Main cast: Dean Winters (Trevor Gooden), Ashley Laurence (Kirsty Cotton), William S. Taylor (Detective Mike Lange), Jody Thompson (Tawny), Kaaren de Zilva (Sage), Trevor White (Bret), Rachel Hayward (Dr Allison Dormer), Michael Rogers (Detective Givens), and Doug Bradley (Pinhead)
Director: Rick Bota
Hellraiser: Hellseeker, the cinematic masterpiece that proves even Hell has a bargain bin.
Let’s start by acknowledging that the genesis of this film is far more dramatic than anything that made it to the screen. In fact, I’d love to see a meta-Hellraiser movie based on the behind-the-scenes drama, culminating with an enraged Pinhead dragging all involved to hell. Now that’s entertainment!
Picture this: The Weinstein brothers, having taken over the franchise (Clive who?), decide to crowdsource scripts like it’s some twisted reality TV show. “Send us your best Hellraiser fanfic, kids!” Michael Lent’s script emerges victorious, and it doesn’t sound half bad on paper. A severely burned man with a Cenobite claw stuck in his body, experiencing hallucinations as his memories return? Sign me up! But wait, the marketing geniuses in Hollywood know best, don’t they? Let’s take that script and run it through the Hollywood Blander™ a few times until even Mr Lent himself disowns everything but the first 10 minutes. Bravo!
This movie, apparently, was considered the best based on these marketing folks’ collective focus group wisdom. One can only wonder how they decide on their dinner plans. “Jenkins, the focus group says we should have kale smoothies with a side of cardboard. Make it so!”
Now, onto the plot, if we can dignify it with such a term. Trevor Gooden and Kirsty Cotton (she’s back; the actress must need money for her electricity bill) get into a car accident. He survives, she doesn’t. Oh no! But wait, her body is missing from the car… cue Trevor hallucinating like he’s in a really bad M Night Shyamalan knockoff. Occasionally, Pinhead and the Cenobites show up to remind everyone that this is, in fact, a Hellraiser movie, and to showcase how far the mighty have fallen. Then we head to a twist so predictable, you’ll see it coming from the DVD menu.
This movie accomplishes something truly remarkable: it manages to murder the character of Kirsty Cotton, thereby nailing the franchise’s coffin shut with the precision of a sleep-deprived carpenter. Uninteresting plot? Check. Lack of scares? Double-check. By-the-numbers “wandering around poorly lit hallways looking for jump scares” scenes? Oh, you bet! You’ll be snoozing before you lose… your will to live.
In conclusion, this is an absolutely wretched movie, a colossal waste of time that will leave you feeling like you should have been paid to endure such drivel. If you’re looking for a true horror experience, skip the movie and read the studio’s financial reports instead. Now that’s scary.
