Main cast: Martha Mackintosh (Melina), Anthony Howell (Margit the Fell Omen, Morgott the Omen King), Con O’Neill (Mohg the Blood Lord), Ramon Tikaram (Godrick the Grafted), Pippa Bennett Warner (Malenia the Blade of Miquella), Pip Torrens (Starscourage Radahn, Varré), Simon Gregor (Rykard the Lord of Blasphemy), Aimee Ffion Edwards (Ranni the Witch), Mali Harries (Rennala the Queen of the Full Moon), Jonathan Keeble (Gurranq, Maliketh the Black Blade), Edward Rowe (Godfrey the First Elden Lord), Joe McGann (Sir Gideon Ofnir), Scott Arthur (Blaidd), and William Vanderpuye (Patches)
Developer: FromSoftWare
Picture this: George RR Martin, the twisted mind behind Game of Thrones, teams up with Hidetaka Miyazaki, the sadistic genius of FromSoftware. The result is a world so convoluted and perverse that it makes the Red Wedding look like a tea party.
We’re talking demigods with mommy issues, a shattered Elden Ring, and enough cosmic horror to make HP Lovecraft tremble in fear. And that’s just scratching the surface as Mr Miyazaki and his crew took Mr Martin’s foundation and cranked the weirdness up to eleven. I mean, have you seen the giant hands? Nightmare fuel, I tell you.
Gameplay: The Dark Souls Formula—Now with Extra Frustration!
Look, I love FromSoftware games as much as the next masochist, but even I have to admit the Dark Souls formula is starting to show its age.
The painful kicker here is that while we’re still stuck in ye olde Dark Souls mode with stamina bars shorter than my patience, the bosses are out here pulling Sekiro: Shadows Dies Twice-level gymnastics. I’m talking super armor, Sonic the Hedgehog speed, and combo chains longer than a CVS receipt. Try interrupting that with your measly sword swings, I dare you.
Don’t even get me started on Malenia. Fighting her with a Dark Souls moveset is like bringing a butter knife to a lightsaber duel. It’s anime boss versus medieval scrub, and guess who’s getting their ass handed to them?
Spirits Are Your New Best Friends, Whether You Like It or Not
Now, don’t get me wrong, as I’m not one of those crybabies calling for an easy mode. The punishing difficulty is part of the charm, like Stockholm syndrome for gamers. However, the spirit summons are where things get dicey.
Some of these spectral buddies are so OP, they make bosses look like preschoolers. Take the Mimic Tear, for instance: it’s basically you, but better. Or Black Knife Tiche, an assassin so deadly she makes John Wick look like a rookie. It’s almost like FromSoftware realized they made the bosses too tough and threw us a bone. Or a ghost. Whatever.
Me, I feel that using these spirits feels like cheating on my diet. Yes, sure, it makes things easier, but at what cost? My dignity? My sense of accomplishment? The thrill of the fight?
Boss Designs Are a Feast for the Eyes (and Nightmares)
Credit where credit’s due: FromSoftware knows how to design a boss.
Take Rykard, Lord of Blasphemy, for example. This guy puts the “gross” in “grotesque” with his snake body and face-melting abilities. Then there’s Mohg, Lord of Blood, who’s basically what you’d get if you crossed Dracula with a heavy metal album cover.
The real showstopper, however, is Starscourge Radahn. This dude learned gravity magic just so he could keep riding his comically small horse. Now that’s dedication to your ride-or-die.
Weapons: Tools of Destruction and Delight
Despite my gripes, wielding some of these weapons is pure joy. Holding the Moonveil katana is like wielding a slice of the cosmos. The Rivers of Blood katana turns you into a papercut-dealing machine. And let’s not forget the colossal weapons, as nothing says “hello” quite like smashing foes with a giant pizza cutter (looking at you, Ghiza’s Wheel).
Final Thoughts: Love Hurts, But We Keep Coming Back
Look, Elden Ring is like that toxic ex we can’t quit. It’s frustrating, it’s punishing, but damn if it isn’t addictive. Do I wish FromSoftware would shake things up a bit more in their next outing? Sure. Maybe give us a protagonist who can, I don’t know, jump without it being a whole ordeal?
But until then, I’ll be here, dying over and over again in the Lands Between. Because at the end of the day, there’s nothing quite like the rush of finally beating that boss on my 50th try. Or was it the 100th? I’ve lost count. Send help.
