Main cast: Lee Jung-jae (Master Sol), Jodie Turner-Smith (Mother Aniseya), Margarita Levieva (Mother Koril), Dean-Charles Chapman (Padawan Torbin), Joonas Suotamo (Padawan Kelnacca), Lauren Brady (Verosha Aniseya), Leah Brady (Mae-ho Aniseya), and Carrie-Anne Moss (Master Indara)
Director: Kogonada
Destiny takes everyone back 16 years ago to finally reveal why Mae and Osha are estranged and Mae drinks so much hate-o-rade for four Jedis: Indara, Torbin, Kelnecca, and Sol.
Of course, Indara and Torbin are now dead, which makes me wonder why this episode isn’t the season-opener. The whole “flashbacks sometime in the season” shtick is a played out one, and it doesn’t make the show appear any smarter.
Then again, had this been the season opener, it’s likely that people would end up either howling in derisive laughter or getting so offended that they won’t tune in for future episodes. Not that it matters, because word on the street is that this one has barely any viewer regardless of how the episodes are arranged.
Yes, The Acolyte is queer, if one didn’t already know from all the interviews and talks from the people behind this show and realized that they talked more about the queerness and the feminism of the show than the actual story line—always a red flag that the show doesn’t have anything much going for it aside from the skin color and bed partners of the people making the show. This episode underscores how queer the show is, and it does it in a way that is straight out of a goofy adolescent lesbian fantasy.
You see, there are a colony of lesbian witches in Bredok. Somehow, the most powerful of those two, Koril and Aniseya, can conceive the twins Verosha and Mae-ho by… er, chanting “We are one! We are two!” or something and then the Force somehow put those babies in them and… wait, since these are humans, does that make the Force male instead of female like Kathleen Kennedy claimed?
Whatever. We don’t need no man, men suck, women should be able to give birth to kids without being raped by a disgusting penis, and Disney actually recommends that people buy the soundtrack of this episode for their dads on Father’s Day. I’m not kidding about any of this, especially the last part, although I wish I am.
Naturally, Masters Indara and Sol along with then-Padawans Toril and Kelnacca crash the party to capture the two sisters because the Jedi are now predators or something.
Oh boy, where do I even start?
Aniseya is a terrible mother, undermining Koril’s efforts to instill some boundaries, common sense, and responsibility in the two brats, and I think I can blame her for the fact that Mae seems like a psycho child even from a young age.
The two brats are unintentionally hilarious in a way, because the twins playing them have the same ability as what’s-her-name playing the older versions of these characters in impersonating an inanimate block of wood. Wait, is the barely animated nature of these two gals intentional, perhaps to reflect the abominations that they are? Maybe I’m overthinking this far more than the people behind this show ever did.
Also, because these two are twins, they dress alike and have the same hairstyle, so the two gals and everyone else have to keep calling their names every time they are talking to the gals, because how else can anyone tell Mae apart from Osha? Ugh, by the end of this episode, I’m so tired of hearing their names!
Oh, and the twins are very annoying because they act and talk like three-year old brats.
As for the Jedi losers, I’m still not sure as to why they can’t just talk to the witches nicely, or how the whole thing just escalates like that. Both the Jedi losers and lesbian horrible parents start raging and screaming at one another, and then everything is just wahhhh and uggghhhh and I find myself laughing and cringing all at once.
Even then, the plot forces various characters to be suddenly incompetent just for the sake of advancing the plot. Thus, the powerful witches are imbeciles that can’t do anything when the plot demands it, the Jedi people can’t even catch two idiot brats when the plot wants them to, and so forth. I’m not even mad about this, because this is such a common occurrence in present day girlboss shows that I instead just sigh at how predictable the whole thing is.
In the end, this episode is as fun as wet diarrhea, and it’s also an episode that ends up telling me that everyone in this show is an idiot and isn’t worth rooting for. The only halfway sane character, Koril, is portrayed as an unreasonable twat, and… sigh, the whole is just tragic.
I know there are folks that say this show is the culmination of Kathleen Kennedy’s desire to ruin Star Wars, but I don’t know. I’d think it’s more like she knows that being the boss of Lucasfilm, a post that is handed to her and not one that she actually earns on her own merit, is as good as it gets at her age, and thus, she is going to spend her years on the throne collecting her huge paychecks and indulging in ego trips because the long-term viability of someone else’s IP is not her concern.
As for Leslye Headland, well, where else can the former PA of Harvey Weinstein go to aside from that one company that has a natural affinity for the promotion of closer relationships between adults and children? She has to earn a living somehow, so maybe one can’t blame her for pulling this grift.
Normally, I’d say that it is a shame that the abomination that results is inflicted on the general public, but since barely anyone is watching anyway, clearly nature is healing and the world is correcting itself.
So yes, if you are reading the review but not watching the actual show, good—keep it up and, seriously, don’t watch that thing. It’s nowhere bad enough to be fun and it’s just not good!
