Main cast: (Vanessa Angel (Susan Grace), Sebastian Spence (Devon Major), David Palffy (Mark Fairfield), Sarah Deakins (Marg Anderson), and Linda Purl (Kirsten Sorensen)
Director: George Erschbamer
Lifetime movies are truly the cinematic equivalent of a junk food binge. You know it’s bad for you, but you just can’t stop yourself from consuming more. Criminal Intent is one such calorie-free guilty pleasure that serves up a heaping helping of cheese with a side of eye candy.
Let’s dive into this legal drama turned comedy (unintentionally, of course). Our protagonist, Devon Major, a name that sounds like it was pulled from a romance novel reject pile, is accused of murdering his ex-wife. In a move that would make even Johnnie Cochran raise an eyebrow, he hires his ex’s bestie and divorce lawyer to defend him. Talk about keeping your friends close and your enemies… on retainer?
Enter Susan Grace, a lawyer with lips so plump they could probably argue their own case in court. Vanessa Angel’s performance is so stiff, you’d think she was auditioning for a role as a mannequin. Her lips, however, deserve an Oscar for Most Distracting Facial Feature in a Made-for-TV Movie.
The plot thickens faster than instant pudding when the Treasury Department gets involved. Suddenly, we’re not just dealing with murder, but international intrigue! It’s like someone took a John Grisham novel, ran it through Google Translate a few times, and then handed it to a sleep-deprived Lifetime writer.
But let’s not forget the real star of this show: Sebastian Spence. This man is so hot, he could melt the ice in a polar bear’s margarita. Sadly, the directors seemed to have missed the memo that “more and more and more gratuitous shirtless scenes” is practically a Lifetime movie requirement. Instead, we’re treated to fully clothed reenactments of the murder that are about as sexy as a tax audit.
The acting throughout is woodier than a forest, with performances so flat you could use them as a spirit level. The plot twist is about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the face, with the focus shifting from Susan to Kirsten more obviously than a mood ring on a teenager.
Yet, somehow, this cinematic train wreck manages to be more entertaining than it has any right to be. It’s a perfect storm of bad acting, ridiculous plot twists, and Sebastian Spence’s sex appeal. It’s the kind of movie that makes you question your life choices, but in the most delightful way possible.
In conclusion, Criminal Intent is a guilty pleasure that’s more guilty than pleasure. But like a car crash you can’t look away from, it’s oddly compelling. So, grab your popcorn, leave your brain cells at the door, and enjoy this deliciously trashy romp through the Lifetime movie landscape. Just don’t blame me if you find yourself yelling “Objection!” at your TV screen by the end.
