Main cast: Stephanie Shemanski (Alyssa), Judson Birza (Denny), Rachel Rosenstein (Jess), Jeffrey Decker (Tyler), Nikki BreAnne Wells (Marcie), Braden Bacha (Bryce), and Donna Wilkes (Pamela)
Director: David DeCoteau
David DeCoteau’s career is as varied as a box of assorted chocolates, if those chocolates were all slightly past their expiration date. From his early days crafting B-grade horror flicks like Creepozoids and Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, to his unexpected detour into the world of homoerotic softcore, and now churning out an endless stream of Lifetime movies about nefarious roommates, untrustworthy teachers, and life coaches from hell, Mr DeCoteau has truly seen it all.
Enter 90210 Shark Attack, a 2014 masterpiece(?) that marks Mr DeCoteau’s awkward transition from softcore titillation back to the warm, respectable embrace of mainstream mediocrity. If this movie is any indication, that journey was about as smooth as a shark’s skin.
One might wonder why this movie exists at all. On paper, it’s about a group of “students”, played by actors old enough to have student loans of their own, and their teacher moving into a rented mansion for an oceanography trip. In reality, it’s 90 minutes of blank-faced characters wandering aimlessly through hallways, interspersed with gratuitous scenes of shirtless men showering and caressing their own chests. It’s as if the movie can’t decide whether it wants to be softcore or hardcore boring and achieves a lethal dose of the latter.
The “shark attack” part of the title comes from one of the female characters who transforms into a shark when she gets… passionate? The special effects for this transformation look like someone tore open a portal to the Atari dimension on her face, from which a CGI shark that would make the creators of Sharknado cringe shoots out.
It’s the cinematic equivalent of a jump scare, not because it’s frightening, but because it’s the only moment in the film capable of jolting you awake.
Adding to this chum bucket of entertainment are two reality TV show castaways: a first-out contestant from Big Brother and a Survivor winner whose acting careers prove to be even less enduring than their 15 minutes of fame. Their performances here make a strong case for why they should stick to being themselves on camera… or perhaps not be on camera at all.
In the end, 90210 Shark Attack fails spectacularly on every conceivable level. Its existence raises more questions than it answers. Was it a money laundering scheme gone wrong? The result of a lost bet? A cry for help from a filmmaker trapped in development hell? We may never know. What we do know is that this film is less a shark attack and more of a beached whale—bloated, lifeless, and best avoided at all costs.
