Paizo, $19.99, ISBN 978-1-60125-302-6
Fantasy, 2011
Rival Guide is an essential splatbook because what every DM needs is a ready-made collection of NPCs with stats that make you question if Paizo’s designers have ever actually played their own game. This tome of questionable character choices brings you 10 parties of four, each designed to either oppose your players or make them wonder why they didn’t just become accountants instead.
Let’s dive into this circus of sub-optimal builds and baffling backstories, shall we?
The Argentate Blades (CR 13)
Nothing says “family bonding” quite like a trauma-induced oracle and a jealous wizard with more baggage than an airport carousel. At least the volatile kick-ass sister might keep things interesting… if you can get past the artist’s apparent time-travel shenanigans with character ages. The “young man” looks like a 40-year-old.
The Children of Steel (CR 23)
Because every party needs a pole-dancing elf wizard with no personality and a dwarf who’s been killed by friendly fire more times than Kenny from South Park. Their cleric leader’s hobby of “running people through with a greatsword” really brings that spiritual touch.
The Dust Coven (CR 19)
Ah, drows, for those special campaigns where you absolutely, positively need every stereotype of backstabbing evilness in one convenient package. Complete with magical roofies for the discerning villain!
The Hands of Slaughter (CR 11)
For when subtlety is overrated, and you just want to yell “We’re evil!” at the top of your lungs. Featuring a blonde killing Mwangi elves (stay classy, Paizo) and a sorcerer who apparently couldn’t get into botany school. The demonic talking, killing ape and the violent lion-riding dwarven druid are cool, though.
Hellblood Corsairs (CR 21)
Evil Team #573, now with more possession and failed assassins. Perfect for GMs who think character depth is measured in pints of blood spilled.
The Kodar Kneecappers (CR 7)
Finally, some nuance! Watch as these lovable dwarven screw-ups make your players wish they were fighting straightforward evil instead. Who needs giants when you can antagonize every monster in a 50-mile radius?
Marrow Reavers (CR 12)
Evil with a side of papyrus. Comes with a free “angsty werejackal” wondering how she ended up in this furry convention gone wrong.
Night Harrows (CR 17)
Hammer horror meets D&D, minus the charisma. Somehow managing to make “wannabe-undead bride of an apocalyptic lich” sound as exciting as watching paint dry in a dungeon.
They would still make a much better antagonist than all the unimaginative losers tossed into the Tyrant’s Grasp adventure path, though—too bad Paizo forgot all the halfway decent Tar-Baphon-related elements they had inserted into their campaigns up to that point and chose to instead make Arazni into their new poster girl for edgy blue-haired sarcastic waifu-ness.
Poisoned Lodge (CR 9)
For when you want your Pathfinders to be less Indiana Jones and more Trainspotting. Perfect for those awkward moments when your players realize they might be the baddies.
Queen’s Hands (CR 15)
Proof that even in fantasy worlds, government work is soul-crushingly boring. But hey, at least the Hellknight’s armor has enough spikes to make a porcupine jealous.
In conclusion, Rival Guide offers a smorgasbord of NPCs ranging from “might be interesting with some work” to “why do they even exist?” It’s just what the cleric ordered for DMs who enjoy the challenge of turning narrative lead into gold, or for those who simply need some pre-made punching bags for their players.
