How to Write the Screenplay of a Box-Office Sci-Fi Film

Now listen up darlings. You want to earn millions writing movies? You're in luck. This season, sci-fi nonsense is IN. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, The Matrix... okay, so what if some bombed, but the thing is, YOUR SCRIPTS GOT SOLD. That's all that matters, right?

So, listen up. Here is Scriptwriting Sci-Fi for beginners.

  1. Always aim for cult movie status, as only then your movies will get rented again and again by pimply dweeby adolescent boys with social skill problems. Hence, your story must RELATE to them. Hence, remember, NERD HEROES are the MUST. The uglier the better. Make him a computer nerd who never sees the sun, acne-ridden, awkward, a lousy fighter, and whacks off to yet somehow managed to get Chosen (let the make-up people worry about making the hunky actor ugly like the guy in your script).
  2. The hero must always FAIL in the first 15 minutes. He must have a master/si-fu/Taoist monk/Jedi Master to train him in unarmed combat skills. Remember, the master must be over 80, short, balding, moustache and beard required. Buy Mrs Giggles' Guide of Si-Fu/Christopher Lambert/that bloke in Kung Fu Mannerspeak to learn phrases like "The sun sets in the West so we must always look East for the zenith in our souls" kinda speak to make your old man convincing. And remember, the master MUST DIE in the hands of the Great Evil, preferably before our hero and a host of impressionable Ewoks. And with the Master out of the way, you can then put in gratuitous sex scenes with heroine "comforting" our depressed hero. Another plus is that the hero can then somehow gain enough skills to destroy Evil, letting the audience feel vicariously the Joys of Becoming a Hero without Really Doing Anything for It.
  3. Oh yes, the heroine. She MUST be beautiful, because our audience WANTS our nerdy, gangly, in-real-life-will-be-outcast hero to get the most babelicious girl ever. This is the 90s, so you MUST NOT make her insipid - she MUST have some skills. But remember, never let her TEACH the hero or DO ANYTHING USEFUL the hero didn't do first. She's only a woman; she MUST play second fiddle. Her First Use is ornamental and to bare her boobies and make our hero look good. Remember, our audience is weaned on centerfolds so you MUST put in some scenes where she gets nekkid, seduces the hero unnecessarily, and wears a revealing slave garb. If can, find an excuse to get her molested by the Evil, and our hero burst through the door Just In Time to rescue her, and then you can have her bouncing - er, running around the last 30 minutes buck nekkid.
  4. Oh, and have an Evil Sexy Villaiess who goes around in thongs and Vegas Showgirl Lycra bra thingie. Make her have skanky sex with the Evil to titillate the audience and have her seduce our hero ala every dumb bimbo villainess in Conan the Barbarian films.
  5. Fight scenes are IN. Study Hong Kong fighting movies, especially those by Jet Li, Jacky Chan, Michelle Yeoh, Cynthia Rothrock, and find the names of their choreographer. Then just put FIGHTING SCENE CONDUCTED BY MR ABC FROM MOVIE XXX.

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