Transcript of the Speech of the President of the Children Exploitation Action Torpedosquad (CHEAT)

Greetings. I am speaking on behalf of the newly formed worldwide fictitious organization CHEAT on behalf of all fictitious children and pets everywhere in Printed Word Land. We are here because we believe the exploitation of children and animals in Romance has reached a point where it is unacceptable. From data gathered from all sources, the greatest tyrants are proponents of contemporary romances. These people are ruthless in their callous use of innocent children and helpless animals for their unscrupulous profit.

The biggest culprit is also - unsurprisingly - the dominant publisher in category romances. In a recent shocking study, 5 out of 6 books in one line - one line alone! - have uncondonable misuse of a baby's innocent charms to bring two lovers together. You'd think at this day of online romances and superinformation highway, people would boink online, but this archaic publishing house still relying on dumping babies on an unreliable man of unproven father material, forcing babies on unreliable mothers who refuses to reveal the paternity of the father (how irresponsible!), and abusing single motherhood or fatherhood by highlighting only the joys of wrapping diapers and none of the doo-doo's in that diaper.

This house and many other contemporary romance publishers also revel in a sickening sexist stereotype: single fathers are noble, virtuous, martyred heroes in need of a good woman's love, while single mothers are deranged, shrill, bankrupt, they scream at their babies, and are in dire need of a man's steadying presence and wallet. It is simply careless generalizing and insulting stereotyping. It places the burden of unwanted pregnancies on the woman: honey, if you get pregnant and die on your man, he takes care of the baby and you're the lying, cheating wife who has the grace to die before the book has even started. If you are single and got preggies, you're in for it now. You will have to have slept with a gangster/abusive boyfriend to get that baby (and you're probably drunk too) or were raped by a sick relative. You never get even one orgasm to compensate for the agonies of childbirth. We CHEAT think it is unethical to place so much misguided burden on the sex of the majority of the readers of these books. In this case, not only babies are abused, pregnancy is exploited . It must be stopped!

Think about it, ladies and gentlemen. Babies thrown on womanizing, unfatherly men's doorsteps. Babies born to mothers who have no time for them. Babies whose parents are killed so that the hero or heroine can take custody of them and lure their future sex partners. If this is Hollywood, we will be screaming for child welfare reforms and suing the irresponsible powers-to-be for such hideous misuse of innocent, unknowing children.

For the 21st century, CHEAT proposes the following legislations:

  • Use of children in romances be limited to 20% of the total pages of the book. This is equivalent to the mandatory maximum job hours children are protected by in the movie business.
  • >Children must not be made to undergo bad mishandlings and bottle-feedings by the equally incompetent foster-father. These men must hire a nanny instead of being cheap and getting their neighbors/secretaries to take care of them. Babies are human too - they are more than a tool to get two people to spark. Any hero who fails to hire a qualified nanny within 4 hours of receiving the baby will be slapped with a 10% decrease in length of lovescene fine.
  • Women who get pregnant by their bad boyfriends and then conveniently forget to go after the irresponsible jerk (waving a paternity suit) will be fined by an increase of 10% of lovescenes. We know romance heroines hate men and dislike sex (unless the sex is in the last 20 pages), hence we know this fine will terrify them to be responsible.
  • Silly people who forgot the rubber and diaphragm will be fined 3 inches of their wookie (the man) and 14 more bad boyfriends (for the heroine). If they get pregnant after one night of How's-yer-father, the author will be fined by 16 hours of attending Biology 101, with emphasis on How Difficult It Is to Get Bullseye On Your Womanly Functions in Just One Night, Much Less in 5 Out of 6 Books.

It is sincerely hoped that CHEAT will go stronger in numbers and be a force strong enough to convince the powers-in-charge that we must stop abusing and exploiting children and pets. Spare these beautiful and innocent beings from being mere tools in the bringing of two people together. If two people requires a baby or a puppy to bring them together, believe me, they won't last long. Relationships are built on mutual trust, care, and respect, not because Jamie Studly in tight jeans and a baby clasped (wrongly) to his hairy, muscular, TEXAN cowboy bare chest is sexy. Protect the babies. Give them better stories!

I'll stop here. Next is the President of Stop Stereotyping Us Dudes Of Texas (STUDS), and he will have an equally invigorating speech.

Thank you very much. God bless.

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