THE AMAZING RACE

Season 6 Episode 2: I'm Not His Wife, He Doesn't Need to Yell at Me

Previously, this show had been hijacked by the rejects of the endless Fear Factor model specials, but in the end it was still pretty good because nearly everyone seemed to have fun in the Race. Of course, I don't know at this stage whether there will be another Colin and Christie waiting to go crazy on me (my money is on Kendra, who even looks like Christie and acts like a bitch). From Chicago to Iceland, the Teams did their thing and at the end of the day diversity was sacrificed when the least model-like Teams of them all, the Marvins, came in last and were eliminated. Welcome to the second episode of sixth season of The Amazing Race, with more implants and double the desperation for fame!

Credits. Does the Tick even have a neck?

It is a land of fire and ice. No, Philo is not talking about Mordor, he's talking about Iceland, the country they are all sitting cozily in before they set out for the next Pit Stop at the end of this leg of the Race. He explains that he is standing at the Blue Lagoon, a hot spring located in the middle of a lava field. I'm still unable to accept the fact that That Freaking Movie lied - lied - to me about the Blue Lagoon. He talks about the STDs' bickering and wonders whether it will drive them on and drive them apart. Since those two are still together, I'd bet my money that they will drive me insane instead. He also talks about Fat Gus and Hera coming in last and wonders whether those two would get out of their last place blues. Well, they can always have a hamburger-eating Roadblock, I guess.

It is now 4:57 am. The Mollywoods came in first the last time so they get to leave first. They learn that they must now travel to Oslo, Norway, located a thousand miles from here (thank you, Philo). In Oslo, they will have to take themselves to the Holmenkollen Ski Jump. Gee, I wonder what those guys will be made to do in Holmenkollen. Aaron says as they run to their vehicle that he and Hayden have known each other for around ten months. One day to meet at a soap opera guest appearance stint, one more day to get drunk and end up in bed together, one day to realize that sharing the rent and sleeping with each other have some perks in the arrangement, three months of pestering the agents to get them onto this show... ten months sounds about right, come to think of it. He says something about Hayden being a bitch and he loves her for that. Probably, I suspect, when she starts using the whip and the chains on him. They get into their vehicle, Hayden drives, and they are off.

5:42 am. The two increasingly ridiculously one-dimensionally happy (say that again very fast, if you can) Templates are off. As they leave, Jon says that he doesn't expect them to argue (translation: they don't really know each other yet) so he expects them to do well. He kisses her hand as they leave and I wonder which planet these creatures come from. Sure, they may be nice, but between his Danny-Osmond-on-a-Brylcreem-diet looks and her Jessica-Simpson's-lightbulb-is-on expressions, these two are coming off more and more like running, smiling little Precious Memories figurines.

5:44 am. The Mormodels are off. Kristy is reading the map and as they head off to the airport, she tells the camera that Lena would contribute more to the Team. Yes, that selfish Lena! How dare she doesn't learn to multitask so that she can drive and read maps at the same time!

5:45 am. The Fre&Ks leave. It is a good thing they are here because otherwise the Templates would be known as the more boring Team on this show. Freddy, who is really pretty, says that he always has to reassure Kendra that he will be there for her. He adds that this strategy of his in dealing with Kendra "always works". How nice for him. Won't it be easier to toilet train a dog, though, than to deal 24/7 with such a woman he is describing?

5:48 am. First there was syphilis. Then there was gonorrhea. And now, the STDs are ready to rumble. Pornathan says that the Race shows one things one doesn't like about oneself and he is ready to "rise" above it. Well, I should know. Two episodes down and the Race has shown me so many things I don't like about him and his wife and they should both "rise" up and above into outer space so that I don't have to see them anymore. Tori tells him as they get into their vehicle, "Let's go." It's a simple and harmless statement but Pornathan responds by snapping at her to stop panicking. Who's panicking? Tori tells him that she is not panicking. He then tells her to stop whining at him. Oh, Tori, why hasn't she learned by now? Stop talking to him. Just ignore him! Pretend that he's dead! Alas, that stupid, stupid woman tells the camera that she hopes that this Race will take the both of them to a "better place" that will improve their relationship. The "better place" for her will be in a divorce court. Or in the gun section in the local friendly supermarket selecting the biggest gun to blow his head off.

5:50 am. The Superdumbos manage to count the money they are given for this leg of the Race - $181 - without having to use a calculator. I'm impressed. The Moth must be supervising the Race using some high-tech satellite spy device and trasmitting instructions straight into the secret chip in the Tick's ears. In fact, their participation is starting to come off more and more like some stupid dare Batmanuel made the Superdumbos do for his perverse amusement. The Tick says that Captain Liberty may be bossy but her determination and drive make him a better person and he loves her for that. He goes on to explain that his life was on a downward spiral when he met Captain Liberty and now, as they say, the rest is history! That is so heartwarming, really. I always thought the Tick is in love with the Moth though. Hmm, I guess I don't understand cartoon superheroes that well after all.

6:33 am. The Goth-Nots are ready to rumble. Rebecca says that "when push comes to shove", they "come" together. Oops, sorry about my giggling fit. I'm twelve and it's still early in the morning. She harps on Adam Ant's driving, telling him to drive faster and cut every Blom, Dicha, and Holmie on the road. He starts to shout "Rebecca", catches himself, and tells her sweetly instead, "Rebecca? Rebecca, honey? Can you sit back and enjoy the drive?" Be still, my thundering heart. His hair is starting to grow on me.

6:34 am. The M&Ms leave. One of them calls the other a great person to be on the Race with. The other person says that the men in Oslo are very handsome. Yes, but are they a handful as well? Handsome men without talented hands are of little use, if you ask me. Um, sorry, did I mention that it is very early in the morning? The other person says that they keep a positive attitude on this Race.

6:38 am. The DMJs slowly burn rubber out of the starting line. Mary Jean says that Don thinks he's in charge but she is the one pulling the strings. Or something. They're

Girl and Girth leave at 6:56 am. Fat Gus says that he and Hera have issues that they are bringing into the Race. Look at the bright side: he'll be so out of breath that he won't have the energy to argue with Hera much, yes?

On the road, it is becoming clear that the STDs are not becoming a fast favorite among the Teams. The Mormodels note that "Botox" is just behind them. I don't who they are calling Botox, Pornathon or Tori or the both of them, but I'm all for the STD hate. The Superdumbos are behind the STDs. When the STDs veer off into a different direction before turning around altogether, Lena disdainfully says that the STDs have no clue as to where they should be going. Captain Liberty says that she is glad that she doesn't have to look at Pornathan's "goofy" face anymore. Her restrain in unleashing the full extent of her Pornathan hate should be commended. Meanwhile, even ahead, the Mollywoods miss the turn to the airport, allowing the Templates to become the first Team to walk in and admire the view of the ticket counter. The Mormodels come in next before the Mollywoods finally reach the airport. But it doesn't matter who comes in first or last because bunching is inevitable. The flight to Oslo via Copenhagen on Iceland Air will see quite a number of Teams filling the seats this morning at 1:15 pm. Kristy tells the camera that there are plenty of seats available on this flight. I guess nobody is eager to leave Iceland. Is it because of the therapeutic mud baths I keep hearing about? She adds that there is a strong possibility that every Team will be on this flight. Since the flight leaves at 1:15 pm and it's now, what, 6:30 am? Anyway, I'd say that there is a huge certainty that this may be the case indeed. Here come the Superdumbos. I don't know why Captain Liberty pushes the Tick's head against the wall. It must be some ritual of love between them. And here are the rest of the Teams. As Kristy predicted, everyone gets to be on that flight. They are one big family, sweet.

It is dark when the Teams arrive in Oslo. The Teams scramble in several different directions out of the airport but the Fre&Ks and Girl and Girth (shocking, I know) manage to find their vehicles first. The STDs are disoriented and they try to solve this problem by having Pornathan scream at Tori as usual. The DMJs spot their vehicle when the STDs could be heard nearby. Quickly, Mary Jean grabs Don and they try to keep out of sight, heh. But it's no use. The STDs find their vehicle anyway and it's a good effort on Mary Jean's part nonetheless. I approve. The Mormodels have some luck - on the plane, a creepy father, seeing an opportunity to pimp off his gangly teenaged kid and save money on the usual dad-brings-virgin-son-to-brothel nonsense I hear those funny Scandivanians love to do, sends his son to them and tells them to bring him back when they are done with him. In their vehicle, Lena asks that kid whether he will help them if the Mormodels are big hairy men. The kid says no. Kristy slaps him playfully in the hand. If he is thinking that he'll be starring in his personal Y Tu Mamá También anytime soon, though, he's doomed to disappointment.

The M&Ms aren't so lucky. Maria, who is driving, realizes that the vehicle runs on manual and she doesn't know how to drive stick. Meredith doesn't seem to know how to either, so their vehicle ends up moving a short distance before coming to a shaking halt each time Maria tries to get going. The Teams behind them soon overtake them. Maria whimpers. Oops. Ahead, Freddy isn't so happy either when he realizes that the Fre&Ks are lost. He can't believe that they are lost. Echoing his thoughts are Fat Gus and Hera who are now stopping to ask for directions. Elsewhere, the DMJs are lost. Saying that they are "off the map", Mary Jean tells Don that they are supposed to be strong in navigation to make up for the fact that they are not as physically competent as some of the younger Teams. "What happened?" she laments. I love her. She is so, what's the word, British?

The STDs are as usual quarreling. They do this more than breathing. I seriously hope that they get their The Diseased Not-So-Newlyweds career going after this show or all their energy channeling into such obnoxious screaming and all my pain from watching them will go to waste. At the very least, someone should be inspired after watching this show to go down to Pornathan's spa and pour black paint into the pool for me. Pornathan claims to the camera that Tori has "some challenges within herself" (translation: she is still struggling to understand the meaning of the word "divorce") and says that Tori's worst quality is her being a "panicker". The show cuts to Pornathan screaming at her in a girly panicky voice to shut up. Oh, Tori, she's such a panicker, unlike Pornathan who is an ice berg of calm.

The M&Ms manage to make their way to a tollbooth before the vehicle stalls once more. That has to be embarrassing. At least she doesn't accidentally drive into the tollbooth like I hear, ahem, a friend did once upon a time. Ahead of them, the Mormodels' Ferris Bueller tells them to turn. The Templates take that turn too. Kris tells the camera that she is a geography major so she knows where to go. And here I am, thinking that georgraphy is a fun subject but a completely useless thing to major in. But what do I know? Geography majors are taking over the Race, woo-hoo! Sure enough, the Mormodels and the Templates soon see the ski jump ahead of them. The two Teams get out of their vehicles, reach for the Clue, and discover that it's time for a Roadblock. Who, the Clue wants to know, is up for an "Olympian challenge"?

Philo steps out to explain a new change in Roadblock rules that makes me want to weep in joy. See, previously it is okay for the Flodungkas, Christies, Kims and Joans-of-Arc of the world to enter this Race and then expect their tall, brawny menfolk to do all the work. All four women end up in the Top Three, two of them winners, so obviously this is one damned good strategy for useless women to advance in the Race. Now, however, each Team member can only participate in six Roadblocks. So both Team members must now take part in Roadblocks. Yes! As someone who really dislikes watching useless Team members whining and acting like self-entitled princesses while they contribute nothing to the Team, I want to hug Bertie Van Munster, the producer, for pushing for this new Rule to take effect. Unlike some people (*cough* Mark Burnetto *cough*), here is someone who cares about the direction of his show.

This Roadblock doesn't involve skiing like I expected. It's actually worse: the Team member must ride a zip line down about a thousand miles to the bottom of the slope before the Teams receive the next Clue. And despite the new six-Roadblocks-max rule being in effect, old habits die hard. Jon does the Roadblock for the Templates (because Kris must use her geographic knowledge to calculate the maximum speed Jon can go based on wind speed and direction - or something, I guess) and Lena does the Roadblock for the Mormodels because, as Kristy tells the camera, Kristy is afraid of heights. Every season there is someone who is scared of heights, dark crevices, speed, animals, dirt, and who knows what else. One day, I expect to see someone who is afraid of travelling to end up on this show.

Jon zips down. "Woooo!" screams Kris. Lena zips down. "Wooo!" screams Kristy. Kris and Kristy should get together and do the woo-woo sometime. The two Teams now learn that they must drive about fifty miles down to a tourist locale called the Viking Village. Ferris assures the Mormodels that he knows where the place is. I have a feeling that he will say he know how to get there even if the destination is Kathmandu. Then again, I will say I know everything too if some Team like, say, the Zoolander Twins or Hugh Jackman and his twin brother come up to me and ask me to take them on a trip around the place. How to go to Shangri-La? Why, just follow me! We'll worry about the logistics of the actual travel later.

The M&Ms' vehicle is being very stubborn. It doesn't want to move no matter how hard Maria abuses the gear stick or how hard she steps on the gas. Maria sobs and presses her hand to her forehead. In the backseat, Meredith similarly clutches her head. I do feel sorry for them because they seem like very fun ladies with the right attitude regarding the Race but seriously, they really should know better than to come into this Race without learning how to drive stick. Even the much maligned Brobbie (whom I adore) took a crash course before she joined the last season. Finally, after a painfully slow start, the vehicle gets moving again. Now all Maria has to do is to avoid another repeat of this problem is to keep driving all the way from here to the Pit Stop, heh.

The Superdumbos reach the Ski jump next, followed by the Goth-Nots. It's nice to see the Goth-Nots. I thought they've fallen off the earth completely. To be expected, the men do everything, as usual. Zipping down a slope is really hard to do, after all, and those ladies may accidentally lose an implant or something. The Tick goes down first. Yeah! Watching that man, Adam Ant actually starts biting on his thumb in his nervousness. The guy assisting each jumper tells him with a chuckle that Adam really must not like heights that much. Is it me or that guy is flirting with Adam Ant? The Tick reaches the ground safely. Hey, he does that jumping from building to building thing on a regular basis, after all. He's a superhero! As he and Captain Liberty take off, Adam Ant looks nervously to the camera and tells his mother that he loves her. That goes the last of his "cool, eccentric" cred. He screams hysterically again and again that he loves his Mommy soooo much as he zips down the slope. How embarrassing. I have to admit though, he's also quite sweet at the same time. What can I say? I'm a sucker like that sometimes. I'm sure Mummy at home is burying her face in her hands in embarrassment, though.

Fat Gus and Hera show up at the ski jump. Hera does the Roadblock. I bet she wishes that she has paired up with someone tall, strong, fine, muscular, hot, and shaggable for this Race. I wish she has. In the cause of shallow eye candy appreciation, I'm getting bored of the toothless pretty Abercrombie boys that keep cropping up on this show. I want to see a masculine, hirsute, rugged but not pretty hunk for a change. The Fre&Ks show up after that. To my pleasant surprise, Kendra performs the Roadblock while pretty Freddy cheers her on. Good for her!

The Mormodels reach the Viking Village and thank Ferris for taking them here by hugging him. I wonder how Ferris gets home. Maybe he will try and hook up with another two female tourists. Perhaps he's some sort of hustler and his father is actually his pimp! Oh, those enterprising whale-killers, I tell you. The Templates pull up shortly. They have plenty of time to wind down after the exciting (snort) Roadblock because the Viking Village only opens at 7:00 am the next morning. Philo explains that at 7:00 am, Teams will get into one of the two Viking longboats on the dock. Teams will end up in one of the two boats, five Teams per boat, and the Teams on each boat must row their way across the lake to the dock at the other end for their next clue. No Viking helmets are provided, alas, and Teams are not allowed to loot, pillage, and plunder any monasteries along the shore.

The Mollywoods are hopelessly lost. In the meantime, the STDs and the DMJs reach the ski jump. Don runs off to do the Roadblock without consulting Mary Jean. In their confessional, Mary Jean explains that she is angry because they have agreed before the Race that she would do the Roadblocks that require speed and coordination while he would tackle those that require strength. How shocking, here I thought the common rule should be Let The Man Do Everything. Even more shocking is that she is also angry with him because she really wants to do that Roadblock! Wow, I know there's a reason why I really like her from the start. Don huffs and puffs that the stairs are easier to climb when he was here in another lifetime when he was a seventeen-year old kid. Did he come here then with two model Mormon sisters? I'm just wondering, it seems like a typical rite of adolescence for teenaged boys around Oslo. ("I wish I was born in Oslo," wishes hubby.)

Pornathan zips down first. For some mystifying reason, he has taken off his shirt. His body is one body that I can do without having to see in my lifetime, if you get what I'm saying, unless there's a lovely bleeding wound somewhere on the chest. I guess he has this mistaken belief that taking off his shirt will increase his sex appeal among the viewers of this show or something. What a freak. Don zips down alongside Pornathan too and he keeps his shirt on, that classy guy. As Don and Mary Jean run to their vehicle, Don tells her that the climb up the stairs was a "killer". She reminded him of their initial agreement and tells him that she would have climbed the stairs with no problem. Guffaw.

In other news, the Mollywoods are arguing because they are still lost. The M&Ms fare better - their vehicle is finally on the roll and they are told by a helpful bystander that the ski jump is "only" sixty kilometres away from where they are. Meredith commends Maria for a job well done in driving.

Pornathan stops for directions, Tori comes out and passes him some pen and paper for him to write the directions down, and of course he starts yelling at her to back off because he can remember everything. He shoves her away at one point. I'm sure that will get the ladies to flock to his spa after this episode is aired. "Pornathan is so nasty to his wife and that is so hot - I must visit the Gonorrhea House of Nasty Hot Waters today!" When they are back in the vehicle, she nags at him for not writing things down and he snaps back at her. It's a wonderful day for a traffic accident, methinks.

It seems that the Superdumbos and the DMJs are finding the map that comes with the Clue unhelpful as they struggle to get to the Viking Village. The DMJs are driving through what seems like a swamp. I hope they don't end up in the lake by the Viking Village by accident. I'm sure Mary Jean will never let Don live that one down.

The STDs on the other hand arrive at the Viking Village. Pornathan is a "mental magician", remember? As they unload their bags, he hits her in the head with the lid of the vehicle trunk. As she gasps in pain, he doesn't even stop to look at her. I would hate to think that he's so used to causing her physical pain that he's become desensitized to her condition but in this case, I really don't know how else to think. He's such a despicably vile creature. Pornathan grabs the clue and gives a mighty roar. Hearing him, Lena in the nearby booth gives a nervous chuckle. As the STDs run to the Viking Village entrance, Pornathan says that the STDs are the first Team to arrive. Tori says that they aren't. Hearing the exchange, Lena and Kristy laugh because like me, they probably don't know how else to react to such over-the-top hideous behavior. Pornathan insists that the STDs are team number one and shouts that she is being a "complainer" and a "whiner". What do you know, he finds the Mormodels in the booth and asks Lena what position the STDs are in. When told that they are the third Team to arrive, Pornathan crows that he knows that some Teams are not smart enough to locate the Viking Village. Before the aghast Mormodels, he forces Tori to apologize to him for not having confidence in him. Dude, he thinks they are the first Team to arrive and now he wants her to apologize for being right? When she meekly apologizes, he yells at her to look inside herself and do "something different". Perhaps she should buy a gun and shoot him dead, is that what he is saying?

He thinks he must be so powerful to get his wife to apologize to him in public. He misses the eyeroll Kristy made and the "Can you believe this man?" look the two sisters gave each other during this painfully dumb scene. The sisters tell the camera that they like Tori but egad, Pornathan treats her so badly and they dislike him for that. Back to the scene, Pornathan yells - is there a moment where he is not yelling or shouting, for God's sake? - that he is so proud of himself. Of what? Being officially the most loathsome slime to ever grace a TV show?

The DMJs are the next Team to show up. It turns out that the Fre&Ks, the Superdumbos, Girl and Girth, and the Goth-Nots have gotten lost along the way. The map they are given must be really useless, I suspect.

Back at the ski jump, Aaron does the Roadblock while Hayden watches. I hope these women will be up to the challenge when they have to climb a mountain and their men are barred from doing it for them. If the max-six-Roadblocks rule was in effect the last season, Christie, Kim, and Joan would have to be carried past the finish line straight to a hospital in a helicopter, which would make it the best ending ever to a repulsive Final Three in an otherwise enjoyable season. Back to this Race, Hayden hopes that they just don't end up last. That's right, she and Aaron can always try and cover lost ground in the next leg of the Race.

As the other Teams begin piling in at the booth in the Viking Village, the M&Ms finally reach the ski jump. I don't know why Meredith can't do the Roadblock, seeing how frazzled Maria is from the driving, but there you go, Maria does the Roadblock after driving all night. Meredith says, as Maria zips down, that Maria is a good team mate. I have a feeling that Maria has no choice than to be one, if you know what I mean. It is nearly light when they make it to the Viking Village. By that time, everyone else including the Mollywoods are waiting for the gates to open.

When morning comes, the Teams are all ready in their boats. As the Tick explains, the Superdumbos, the Mollywoods, the Goth-Nots, the Templates, and the Mormodels are on the Valhalla Boat while the DMJs, Girl and Girth, the STDs, the Fre&Ks, and the M&Ms are on the What-the-Hella Boat. The Tick points out the obvious: the muscles are on the Valhalla Boat. As the boats take off, Rebecca again insists that Adam Ant remove those shades so that he can see better. She has issues with sunglasses. Maybe a pair of sunglasses tried to eat her up when she was a little girl. Adam Ant tells her to stuff it but he takes them off and places them at the floor of the boat anyway. He is, after all, a softy at heart who does what his women tell him to.

Beowulf the Hornblower sounds the horn and everyone begins to row. The Valhalla Boat is doing fine, with everyone rowing in sync to the other side. The What-the-Hella Boat, on the other hand, is where complete chaos reigns. Don says dryly that he must have participated in what must be the worst rowing crew in history. Meredith sniffles and says that Pornathan keeps shouting at everyone (surprise) and her nerves can't take any more of him after an already exhausting day on the road.

As Kris says, the Valhalla Boat "smokes" the other Teams. The Teams get their next clue, which tells them to drive to the Honefoss Train Station and take a train to Voss, about two hundred miles from where they are. In Voss, they must locate a bridge some five miles from the train station for their next clue. "Honefoss to Voss to the end of a bridge" has a poetic ring to it, doncha think? Someone - I think it's Aaron, who understandably doesn't want to get lost again - suggests that they all go together. They are one big happy family after all. The other Teams ignore the suggestion. One big family? Maybe not.

Finally, the What-the-Hella Boat reaches the finish line. Pornathan asks someone to get his things for him. Freddy tells him to get his own "damn s**t". Hah! As the Fre&Ks get ready to leave, they realize that their clue is missing. They are holding only the envelope. Oops, where is the Clue? The camera zooms in on the clue on the floor. It always amazes me how these Racers manage to overlook the cameraman pointing his equipment to the ground. Anyway, Freddy just goes back to the Clue stand and grab one of the few spare Clues the show people always leave in the box. Ominous music plays to tell me that the Fre&Ks really shouldn't have done that.

In their vehicle, Kendra at the backseat tells Freddy that the What-the-Hella crew has no team spirit. I'm sure there is team spirit though - the Teams are united in despising Pornathan, apparently, because Meredith is telling Maria in their vehicle that Pornathan needn't have yelled at her because Meredith isn't his wife. Actually he shouldn't even yell at his wife like that but at this point I really don't have the energy to point out how Pornathan utterly offends me at every level. I hope Bonghammer fire that idiot that allows Pornathan to be on this show because Pornathan is not just ruining my fun, he's ruining the Racers' moods.

The Templates manage to take a wrong turn to Honefoss. The Superdumbos are lost too, although that's to be expected by now, seeing how they get lost every other turn of the road. So it is the Mormodels who, thanks to a phone call to Ferris, reach Honefoss first, followed by the Fre&Ks and - surprise - the M&Ms. How did two Teams from the losing boat manage to beat several Teams on the winning boat? Maybe Mary Jean is right - the Teams that are weaker make up for that by being better navigators. The STDs are the exception, though, they are just vile. Elsewhere, the Goth-Nots are arguing in their vehicle because Adam Ant's sunglasses are right now at the bottom of the lake. He tells Rebecca that he is never talking to her again if she tells him to take off his glasses again. Which makes me wonder - are those special glasses given to him by his mother or something? Rebecca sobs quietly as Adam sarcastically thanks her for making him lose his glasses. Come on, I'm sure he can always get his Mommy to buy him a new pair of glasses the next time she goes out to shop for his underwear.

Bunching occurs once more at the Honefoss Train Station as Teams gather around the ticket counter. Don is pleased to be able to purchase tickets under the senior discount program and tells the camera that sometimes being old has its advantanges. He should tell me more about those advantages over tea one of these days. Apart from the others, the Goth-Nots are conducting their private Oprah Winfrey soul-baring session (minus Oprah, of course) in their camera-conscious showboating way that I find amusing despite my usual bias against such behavior. She tells him that their second time around isn't working and she's not feeling it for him anymore. It's dying away, probably dead. He gives her that pitiful puppy look and tells her that he will jump on the tracks if that is the case. Does she want him to jump on the tracks? Because he doesn't want her... (here he pauses for effect)... not to love him. Hey, where is that Celine Dion song? It should be played now. Don't go, Rebecca, Adam Ant loves you. He will die without you. His heart won't go on and on! Will I lose all street cred if I confess that while I laugh at that scene, a soppy part of me actually sighs at the whole over-the-top mawkish drama of that scene?

The train arrives and as everyone boards the train, Rebecca says that she forgives Adam because she can tell that Adam is remorseful from the way his "demeanor" has changed. Besides, he's a loving person, she insists. If she says so. She and Adam are laughing together again on the train so it does seem that things are okay between them for now.

Here's Voss! The Templates are the first to reach the vehicle waiting for every Team in the car park while the M&Ms encounter problems that delay them a little. Yes, Maria has problems with the drive stick again. But every Team is very close on each other's tail and it's once more a big happy family at the bridge when Teams learn that they must now perform a Detour. Philo comes out to explain that for this Detour, "endurance" will require a Team to travel for two miles on some ski thingies while "accuracy" will put the Team through three different "Viking games" involving accuracy - a peg-toss, an ax-toss, and an archery round. Members of the Teams choosing "accuarcy" must alternate between each round. The advantages and disadvantages of each Detour option is, of course, dependant to each Team. How good are their balance and coordination? How good that they throw and shoot things at a target?

The Mormodels go for endurance. Captain Liberty cautions the Tick that they have to be "accurate" if they choose "accurate" so the Tick says okay. Heh, these two are really dim that way, aren't they? The Fre&Ks and the Goth-Nots go for endurance and they are joined by the Superdumbos, the Mollywoods, and the Templates. Fat Gus and Hera go for accuracy because there is no amount of alcohol in this world that can help me imagine Fat Gus skating beautifully for two miles in his own Swan Lake. Poor Hera. Why take Fat Gus with her when she could have taken, say, Handsome Hank or Studly Stan instead? Pornathan runs to the accuracy site without even consulting Tori and when Tori calls out to him, he just tells her that he wants to try out the shooting detour. "Who cares?" he yells at her. Yeah, who cares? That's a defense she can use in court after she's shot him dead.

The first round requires the Team to knock down pegs. The thing is, the pegs are arranged with smaller pegs forming a circle around the Daddy of All Pegs and the Team must knock down the smaller pegs first and the Daddy last. Tori takes the first shot and gets a smaller peg. Pornathan's turn is next and he knocks Daddy down. "Sorry, babe," he tells his wife who is jumping up and down in happiness. I think she's happy to see him screw up. She wisely doesn't say anything in response. I'm sure if she's the one who knocks down the Daddy, Pornathan will have a lovely time yelling the roof off at her. At the other side, Girl and Girth aren't having so much success at the pegs either.

The Templates decide to switch because Kris has only skiied twice in her life. Shouldn't she have told Jon this before they selected this Detour? Freddy decides to switch too so the Fre&Ks follow the Templates in running off to the accuracy site. While he first says "Screw this!" to the skis, he then grumbles when he knocks down the Daddy, "Did they actually play this in ancient times? Cause this is the biggest waste of time I've ever seen!" Heh, he's pretty and he can be quite the impatient grump. Did I say that he's pretty? On the bright side, the Templates aren't having the time of their life at the pegs either. The DMJs, who choose "accuracy", can commiserate with these Teams.

Captain Liberty falls flat on the ground in her debut attempt at street skiing. The Tick wisely tries not to laugh. In her confessional, Captain Liberty mocks a shrill laugh that ends with "Not!" Oh, she's such a character, alright. Aaron doesn't fall down but egads, he can't stop whining non-stop about about his center of gravity being too high or something. He wants the Mollywoods to switch but Hayden insists that they just keep going. Also determined to keep going are the Mormodels no matter how many times Kristy falls on her bum. Aaron keeps falling down again and again and in the end he stays down, apparently too frustrated to go on. Watching him, the Goth-Nots decide to switch to accuracy. Wise move.

When I mentioned earlier that the Teams are bunched up, I was mistaken because the M&Ms are only right now reading their clue. How far behind are they, anyway? They decide to choose accuracy. Elsewhere, Fat Gus knocks down the last peg - hi, Daddy - and he and Hera head off to throw an ax or two. The Mormodels and the Superdumbos seem to be getting the hang of their skiing thingies and they move smoothly - if awkwardly - down the street.

The Templates knock down the last peg and they too are off to throw some ax. Fat Gus advises Hera on the right way of throwing the ax (use both hands, lift the ax high over and behind her head, and - woosh!) because in the FBI, he throws ax at people's head on a regular basis, no problemo. Hera says that sometimes her father knows what he is talking about. "Sometimes"? Fat Gus will be happy to hear that, I'm sure! Her ax buries itself into the target. So now you know - never mess with Fat Gus when he has an ax in his hands. The STDs complete the pegs, damn. The Goth-Nots quit the pegs and go back to the skis, believe it or not. Kris' ax hits the target. When Jon and she get married, he should watch out when she starts throwing things at him. Fat Gus' arrow hits home. Oh no, Fat Gus is a terror with the bow and arrow too! I want to join the FBI now.

So yes, Girl and Girth are in first place and I'm winning the lottery, just in time for the world to end by Sunday. They are told by their next Clue to drive to the Pit Stop for this leg of the race, a thousand-year old "traditional farm" (read: rich man's den of sin) at Nesheimstunet. As they leave, Jon's arrow hits the target so the Templates are hot on the heels of Girl and Girth. The Templates laugh in their vehicles because they now know that should they get married and start throwing things at each other, both of them have now a fifty percent chance of conking the other hard in the head.

Hayden crashes into some bales of hay. Aaron bruises what's left of his body that isn't black and blue by now. She asks him to see some humor in the situation in between placating apologies. He crashes straight into a wall and I wince as his head hits the wall and actually bounces off it. Oh, Hayden, I'm sure one day he will laugh over this incident, but now? I don't think so.

Don and Mary Jean finally topple down the pegs and he tells her that he'll do the ax and she'll do the bow. She tries to say something but he's already running ahead and leaving her behind. The Fre&Ks also finish the pegs.

And then, it begins to rain, as if the party isn't exciting enough as it is already. Drenched, the Superdumbos and the Mormodels perservere in their skiing while Pornathan's ax finds its target. Freddy gets the ax done too. The DMJs are still trying to bury the ax in the target and note that the M&Ms are still struggling with the pegs so the DMJs aren't out for the count yet. Elsewhere, Girl and Girth stop for directions. The Templates are also on their way to the Pit Stop.

Finally, Don hits the target with his ax. "The ax sucks!" he declares. Come to tea, Don, come to tea. Kendra cocks the bow. Tori whines to Pornathan that she sucks at using a bow and he should have let her do "other things". I don't want to know what these "things" may be. My nerves are not that strong. Freddy tries to give Kendra advice but she turns and tells him to just stuff it and leave her alone. She says please though to sweeten the bug-off. Mary Jean is flopping at archery. In their confessional, Mary Jean says that Don knows that she took up archery in an entire semester of college and not once did she hit her target. She turns to give him a pointed look as she asks Don how many times she has told him this story. He just keeps mumbling that he is so sorry for making decisions for the both of them without consulting her. He admits that their biggest mistake is forgetting that Mary Jean can't use a bow to save her life. "Wait, who made the great mistake?" she asks, interrupting him with another fabulously cold glare. "I did," Don admits sheepishly and she smiles, pleased to have made her point. Come to tea, Mary Jean, come to tea. She's fabulous!

Life sucks because the STDs completes the archery round and can now head to the Pit Stop. Someone stop them! Slash the tires or something - just stop them! The Mormodels finish their ski detour, followed by the Superdumbos, and these two Teams waste no time dashing off for the Pit Stop. And much later, the Mollywood crashes to the finish line and they wearily take off as well after the others.

Philo and the VIP (and a cow) are waiting at the Finishing Mat when the first vehicle pulls up. Why, it's the Templates! What happened to Fat Gus and Hera? Did Fat Gus prevent Hera from stepping on the accelerator again? Anyway, the always dorkily happy Templates are first and they get to go on a free cruise to Alaska. What is it about Alaska that maks it so cruise-worthy anyway? One of these days I really should drag the hubby off his Playstation and find out for ourselves.

The rain has stopped when Mary Jean finally hits the target with her arrow. Way behind, the M&Ms have only the Daddy peg to knock down. Finally! They are so happy because they only need to spend another ten hours trying to knock down the last peg.

The STDs come in second, beating the previously first Girl and Girth by a considerable margin in a foot race. When Hera is still crying herself to sleep at night because her father slows her down and causes her to lose out again and again on those lovely cruises to Alaska, tell me that I symphatize utterly. She should have taken Athletic Aaron with her instead of Fat Gus. Daddies are good, but obese Daddies on the other, are not just good for the Race. Anyway, Philo once more suppresses a very visible shudder of distaste when Pornathon gives him a hug and he is noticeably more happy to greet Fat Gus and Hera.

Kendra hits the target with her arrow. Only the M&Ms are left in the site. Elsewhere, the Mormodels are lost.

The Goth-Nots are still struggling with the skis when Meredith barely hits the target with her ax. It counts though so the M&Ms happily proceed to the bow and arrow round. The Goth-Nots are done too so they run to their vehicle. Only to find that their vehicle is not there. Oh my heck, what happened to their vehicle? Ahead, Mary Jean gasps when she rummages around the back for her things and realizes that they aren't in their vehicle. How can this happen? All the vehicles have the same key or something? Don says that they have to go back. Mary Jean quickly says that they don't. Ooh, how naughty of her. She really wants to win and I adore her for that. Don points out that even if they don't turn back, they will be stuck with someone else's bags and that would be stealing. Mary Jean relents and they turn back. When they reach the Goth-Nots, no words need to be said. They quickly jump into the other vehicle and the both Teams zoom off to the Pit Stop. Wait, have they checked to make sure that they left with the correct team mate?

Maria struggles with the archery round. It's raining again. The weather can be so unpredictable in Voss.

The Mollywoods are team number four. The Superdumbos are team number five.

The Mormodels are still lost. They should call Ferris.

The Fre&Ks arrive at the Finishing Mat. Philo however explains that because the Fre&Ks have broken a rule (taking another clue out of the stand back in Viking Village), he will have to impose a thirty-minute time penalty on them. The awesome thing here is that the Fre&Ks have to stand aside and watch as other Teams come up to Philo. Freddy and Kendra hold hands and worry that enough Teams will arrive within thirty minutes to eliminate the Fre&Ks from the Race.

That can very well happen as the DMJs are on their way to the Pit Stop. Mary Jean apologizes to Don for yelling at him and says that she really loves him, awww. Don seems surprised that she's apologizing to him, no doubt wondering what kind of "tension" she is talking about in her apology to him. He reminds me of Hal in Malcolm In The Middle who just lets his wife's more aggressive ways float on by, never letting her bully him too much and never letting her get too little from him either because he loves her so, so much. Awww.

Freddy and Kendra hug in that dramatic "Is that an iceberg ahead of our ship, baby!" manner as they watch Philo welcome the Goth-Nots as team number six. The DMJs are the next to arrive as team number seven. "This is it!" the Fre&Ks sigh to each other. Way behind, the M&Ms finally complete the Detour. Can they make up for lost time in the time remaining before Philo checks the Fre&Ks in? And what about the Mormodels, who are still driving around who-knows-where?

Well, Philo checks the Fre&Ks in as team number eight after the thirtieth minute is up. It's now a race to the bitter end between the two all-female teams of this season, which is no surprise given the overall miserable track record of all-female teams on the show. And coming up are... the Mormodels. Hello, ladies! Philo checks them in as team number nine.

It is dark when the M&Ms show up at the Pit Stop. They aren't surprised when they are told that they are the last Team to arrive and they are now eliminated from the Race. They talk about how much they love each other, the usual stuff, and then they are gone. I know they are lousy with navigation and they are actually more incompetent than they should be, but I am quite sad to see them go. They seem like nice ladies and I hope they had a fabulous time in their short run in this Race. Then again, as long as the STDs are in the running, I have a feeling that I will be disappointed to see any of the other Teams leave before the vile duo.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

• More