THE AMAZING RACE

Season 6 Episode 1: The Game's Afoot

Has it even been a month when we last said bye-bye to the delightful Teams of The Amazing Race 5? Colin has long since moved to being a star in his own reality TV show Surviving Neverland: Three Months In Prison, Christie is touted to be the next Audrey Hepburn, Lillie is now a CNN anchorwoman, Brobbie is on her way up in the US Campaign trail, the Bates Sisters are sizzling up the music charts with their red-hot debut CD Bowl's Yer Momma and having every red-hot R&B and hip-hop producer begging to work with them, and I have acquired some amazing swamplands in Florida that I know you must buy. Now, where were we? Ah yes, The Amazing Race 6.

There's Philo Koughie. Hey, the package is gone. Please don't tell me he's been using a prosthetic. I will cry. The last of my illusions about men has been shattered. Anyway, looking quite dramatic in a windblown pose as he stands atop the... um, I don't know Chicago so I can't identify the tall building he is standing at the roof of. He says that he's in Chicago, the Windy City (as if the whole artificially generated wind blowing at Philo's way isn't telling enough), adding that Chicago is the gateway to America's midwest region. Eleven Teams will be competing in this Season for a million dollars in a "race around the world" blah blah blah the same old drill. And then, Philo gestures for the camera to zoom on some speedboats making their way across Lake Michigan to the starting point in Chicago. It's time to take a look at the Teams.

First off, the obligatory dating long-distance Team Template comprising of Kris and Jon. They pose in their swim suit thingies for the Introduction scene and manage to tie that scene in with the fact that they are dating despite the distance between Arizona and California. Jon looks like that former New Kid On The Block guy, Joe McIntyre. It couldn't be... nah. Kris looks like that nasty Christie from the last season. They hope to know each other better on this Race. Translation: we are models who happen to sleep together when our paths crossed and hey, we want a career! Give us a career, TAR!

Say hello to Lena and Kristy, sisters who are also Mormons who also happen to be models. One look at Team Mormodels' bleached blonde looks and unimpressive height and I have a suspicion that their photos crop up in magazines that I won't have a clue about because I'm too high-class to get those magazines that come with discount coupons for my next trip to Wal*Mart. Kristy says that she's still a conservative Mormon - who just happens to model - while Lena says that she is the wild and crazy type. To prove it, she rides a bicycle for the camera. How outrageous. Look at me, I'm blushing. Translation: we want to be models and if we call ourselves models often enough on this show, people will believe it and give us a career. Give us a career, TAR!

Fighting crime in the City can be tiring and tough on the soul, especially if the superheroes in question are as dumb as rotten potatoes, so it is no surprise that the Tick and Captain Liberty decide to take part in The Amazing Race 6 for some R&R. Captain Liberty thrusts her mighty bosoms to the camera and declares that she's a bitch. The Tick is supposed to be intimidating. They call themselves professional wrestlers but I only get footages for their wrestling in the backyard. I guess the wrestling career is going as well as the modeling and acting careers of the other Teams on this Race. The Tick says that they have an advantage over the other Teams because they have "suave on the streets". I think he means "savviness". I hate to imagine that he's still listening to that crap Rico Suave song by that one-hit wonder Geraldo or worse, adopt it as his motto. He promises that this Team will be really bad and annoy everybody they meet. At least the Superdumbos have the decency to warn me in advance, I guess, unlike those creeps the C+Cs.

What's this show without cannon fodders? Don and Mary Jean are the obligatory Team comprising of People Over 40 Who Will Be Eliminated Soon Enough. MJ says that she expects Team DMJ to be underestimated by everybody (oh, really?) and Don insists that they are in good physical shape. They have antique cars and ivy vines in their Introductory Scenes. I guess they want to be models or something.

The Marvins are Avi and Joe. They will never be models in a hundred years, not without several sessions of cosmetic enhancements and improvements. But they are best friends from Brooklyn and both claim to have big brains, although Joe, the taller and more human looking one, claims to have a big heart as well while Avi, the one that looks like a rat and hides his bald patch under a baseball cap that he wears in reverse, says that he has no heart. I wonder why they are on this show. They can't be models or actors looking to shotjump their career. Maybe they are here for the fun of it? Shocking, I know.

Hayden and Aaron are the dating actors although I don't know what kind of movies they appeared in. I have a gay friend who swears that Aaron is a dead ringer for the gay porn star Josh Hammer. I Googled "Josh+Hammer+gay+porn+star" but I couldn't find a decent picture of this Josh Hammer fellow though, although I did find enough scary pictures to make me forgo hotdogs for next few weeks. Oh, and a few nice desktop images for my PC as well, but that's another story. Hayden is definitely a model though. Her profile at Peak Models, Inc lists her bust size as 36C, her waist 24, and her hips 34. I am sure some people are interested about that. Aaron says that he loves her more today than yesterday. She gives a smile because they love each other and together, they are Team Mollywood! Translation: they want a career! Give them a career!

Gus and Hera are the father and daughter Team of Girl and Girth. They say they clash a lot over issues like daddy-knows-best, daughter-knows-better, did-not, did-too, did-not, shut-up-missy, and i-hate-you-daddy. While they worry that their conflicts may sabotage their Race, I suspect that Fat Gus' three zillion pounds will do the trick where a hundred squabblings fail. Hera probably wants to be a model too.

The STDs, Pornathan Simmons and his January 1996 Playboy Bunny wife Tori are next. He is an "enterpreneur". Translation: porn mogul, bling-bling included. Pornathan, the secret bastard son of Richard Simmons, has been dealing with his feelings of inadequacies all his life, which is why he buys the fastest car, marries the dumbest and bustiest bimbo he can find, and acts like the biggest prick ever just to make up for the fact that while he is a big prick, he doesn't have one. In fact, I hear it's even smaller than Colin's. He calls himself a dictator. She says that she tries to keep out of his way when he's like a "speeding train". Translation: give us a career, any career, our acting skills are too poor even for porn!

Freddy and Kendra are next. They of Team FRe&K are "engaged". And guess what, people? Yes, they are models! What happened to bartenders? Is "model" the new "bartender" in Reality TV Land? Freddy could be a model in the sense that he has that pretty GQ guy look, which is a refreshing change from the asexual hairless Abercrombie types that self-proclaimed "male models" usually are. Unfortunately, at the end of the episode I have no idea who they are or even what their names are. I only remember these details when I look up their bio in the official website. He says that he is ten years older than she is. He wants children. She isn't sure about having kids. Have to play it safe because one day she may just become a model, doncha know. They try to pass themselves off as the Harley Davidson type of people. Who are they fooling? I bet they will scream like little kiddies when the wind musses up their hair. Translation: we are models and we want our careers now.

The M&Ms, Meredith and Maria, have the same hair, same teeth, and they share the same room in Queens. They call themselves "friendly" and really, I won't be surprised if they have the same modeling gene as nearly every other fricking Team on this Race. I don't know why all-women Teams both to apply. They never last. The Race isn't designed for women. They should've just dragged their boyfriend, husband, or a male relative along instead. Why not? This strategy worked well for the useless women in the final Three of the last season.

And finally, the sad Hellboy-wannabe Adam who thinks he's so cool but really, he looks like some permanently-startled ladybug instead and his ex, Rebecca. Together, they are the Goth-Nots. By the way, I hope you have caught on that "ex" on The Amazing Race more often than not translates to "still shagging, pretend to break up to be on the show". The antennae-challenged Adam says that he met Rebecca in the gym where he works. Translation: he tried to peek into the women's changing room, saw her coming out of the shower, and it was love at first sight. She says that they broke up because of what was supposed to be some lack of communication between them. Translation: modeling career didn't go so well. Help us, TAR6!

Philo gives the usual nonsense about whether these Teams can withstand the stress of the Race and use their "brains, brawn, and teamwork" to complete the Race. Yes, your guess is as good as mine where "brains" factor into any part of the Race.

Back to the starting point, Buckingham Fountain. Old timer viewers know the deal: the Teams will start in a semi-circle formation facing Philo, their bags with the first Clue a distance behind Philo, and Philo will explain the Rules to them. Look, there's Pornathon jumping up and down, hoping that his mother will see him on TV, while his wife Tori sways her body left to right and back again like a cobra with implants. Hayden crosses her arms and tries to look bored with the whole thing. Remember, she's a la vie boheme lingerie model. The DMJs look worried. Fat Gus looks excited. Maybe he will trip, roll down the slope, and crush at least seven twiggy models to death even before the show is barely underway. Kris (who I can differentiate from Kendra only because the guy standing beside Kris is not the hotter guy) makes the sign of the cross. Bible thumping models - only on The Amazing Race, I tell you, not counting the mandatory African American psychobitches on America's Next Top Model. For the next season, hubby and I are going to try to get on this Race by pretending to be post-op transsexual born-again model lovers. Wish us luck.

Philo finally cuts off his boring ramblings. The world is now the Teams' to rampage and abuse, so... go!

And so they go. The STDs are the first to be shown reading the Clue which directs them to get themselves to Iceland. I'm sure they mention the actual location of the destination in the Clue but all those attempts to pronounce the names of those cities must have been carefully edited from the show. Pornathan goes, "Yeah baby!" in the way Austin Powers would do if Austin Powers is brain-damaged from a syphilis infection like Pornathan here. The Clue tells them to take one of the three flights available from the O'Hare airport. I'm sure even with this detailed instructions, a few Teams will still manage to end up in the O'Hara Pub in Little Dublin. Pornathan is happy too that he and Tori are receiving $175.28 for this leg of the Race like the other Teams. Don't ask me about the twenty eight cents. I guess Bonghammer must have plenty of one-cent coins he doesn't need and sees an opportunity to get rid of them. One of the Mormodels squeals that her favorite band is from Iceland. No, honey, U2 is from Ireland. Adam asks Rebecca whether it's cold in Iceland. Rebecca tells him that Greenland is cold but Iceland is warm. Prepare to be amazed when she puts her intelligence that she only hints at in this exchange to use in the later portions of this leg. Fat Gus waddles and says that the game is afoot. Or the gain is in his foot. Or something. I send a mental memo to Hera: pairing up with an obese geezer is a guaranteed way to lose on this show and also to be laughed at by everybody watching this show, everyone who is right now thinking, "Girlfriend, what are you thinking? Go with your daddy to the summer band camp if you want some bonding, but baby, this is a million dollars speaking your name and you want a hard-muscled hot hunk to be on your side so that we can ogle at him and you can get him to do all the Roadblocks for you!" Wow, the old couple is trailing behind. I never see that one coming.

And... credits. There are more cleavage in this season's credits than in all the episodes of the entire last five seasons (although Big Chippo and Dan Barr tip the scale plenty for those seasons). That should have warned me that this show has changed into something completely different between the last two or three model teams of the older seasons and the three thousand model teams of this season.

The Teams are now trying to make their way to the airport using the subway service. Freddy (the hot model) and Kendra (the woman with him) are not sure which train they should take. Aaron (the actor) tells Fat Gus that they should take the blue line. Aaron lived in Chicago last year. There must be plenty of acting opportunities in Windy City. The Mormodels poke their heads into a cab and ask the driver how to get to the "O'Hara" airport. I'm sure the cab driver will be happier to answer if they get into the cab first. The Superdumbos ask a guy for directions to the subway station and the guy tells them to just go straight. And, I suspect, go away. As they run down the street, the Tick tells Captain Liberty, who is running ahead of him, that his legs are acting up. Steroid withdrawal can be a bitch, I know. The Tick assures everybody in his confessional that he is used to pain. After all, people throw rotten eggs and tomatoes at him whenever he does his thing (you know, his thing). The Goth-Nots pass through the turnstill of the Chicago O Chicago subway train station.

Pornathan screams at Tori to stay (read: run slower) with him. He's always screaming. I bet his mother used to whack his bottom all the way until he was thirty-four. Pornathan, wearing a hideous outfit that will make even Stevie Wonder wishes that he has no eyeballs, tells the camera that he is an "explosive" person (read: prone to premature ejaculation) but he's also a "passionate" person (read: psychotic asshole) and insists that there is "something" (read: tiny penis) behind "it" (read: grandpa underpants) all the time. The STDs get onto the blue line train and he scolds her because he knows about the train all along, although I don't know why this warrants his scolding his wife. Naturally, when they are arguing, his eyes often stray to the camera to check that the camera is taking all this in. They are obviously putting on this argumentative front for the camera and this is what ultimately annoys me about the STDs. I mean, yes, some Teams argue but they are not being obnoxious solely for camera mugging purposes. The STDs are horrid to watch because they are completely devoid of even a speck of trainwreck entertainment value - they are just a total nerve-grating pain. These two losers won't even make the cut for Jerry Springer - that's how horrible Pornathan and Tori are as "actors".

They are soon joined by FRe&K, the Goth-Nots, the Mollywoods, Girl and Girth, the Marvins, the Superdumbos, and the Templates (who?) and they all take a train to O'Hare. Elsewhere, in another station, it seems, the DMJs and the M&Ms are confused by the existence of a purple line (is that considered blue?) but the friendly Windy City folks are more than happy to help them board the right train. The Mormodels are still looking for the station. They stumble into a station and eventually meet up with all the other Teams on the way to O'Hare.

Mingling takes place between the Teams on the train. Victoria announces that the others call Adam "Hellboy", as if it is not Adam's intention to be called that all along when he took those scissors from his grandmother's knitting basket and used them on his hair because his mother took away his pocket money when she caught him with a pack of cigarettes in his bedroom. Pornathan asks Adam why Adam wants those "horns". Because Adam craves attention and desperately seeks it even as he claims to be too cool for it? Adam tells Pornathan that he, Adam, is just weird that way. For the cameras, that is. When the camera is not rolling, he cries and calls home to Momma because he is so homesick. Adam also adds that he is "eccentric". Translation: he prefers to stay at home on Friday nights to surf for lesbian porn.

For some reason Fat Gus wants to have an alliance with the Marvins and the Mollywoods. He says that their alliance will crush the other Teams. He also adds that he is an ex-CIA officer (they must have kicked him out for eating all the donuts in the building). He neglects to mention that he must have confused this show with another show, say, Survivor ("Shut your mouth!" - Jerry Bonghammer). Fat Gus points to Pornathan generally acting like an ass who also looks like a scrawny duck and says that they will take out that loser first because he is a "pain in the ass". Boy, you have no idea how much I wish that the show is like Surv-, okay, that show (happy now, Bonghammer?). Anything that brings down Pornathan hard is okay with me.

Pornathan and Tori are arguing - something about her not wanting to do something, whatever that is - as he seizes up a guy and demands that the guy use his cell phone to call up some people to check for Pornathan as to which of the three O'Hare flights will leave first for the City of Unpronounceable Name in Iceland. He proudly tells the camera that he is a "mental magician" (translation: f**king delusional asswipe) because that's all it takes to be one: just order someone around in a rude manner. He adds that he has this amazing foresight that allows him to walk into any situation and see what needs to be done. Someone please test his theory out for me. Put some rope in Pornathan's hand and see if he hangs himself like the situation needs him to do. The camera, by the way, zooms on his head as he harasses innocent people on the train (thank you, cameraman, here's a rope too - is his foresight as amazing as Pornathan's?) and the bottom few inches of Pornathan's hair is blue. Underneath his bluster, insecurities, and self-hatred, all Pornathan really wants to be is Tinky-Winky.

Jon also has the same idea as Pornathan, although he has the decency to at least borrow the phone from some nice fellow wearing neck braces (the fellow must be on his way to see his lawyer) and calls up for information on his own. How do I tell that it's Jon? Because he isn't hot like Freddy and he isn't with a woman who looks like a man with very scary implants like Aaron. Hera is also doing the same with a borrowed cellphone. The people have changed since the last and only time I dropped by that place. The last five hours I spent in Chicago, I was mugged. Was it because I didn't have cameras with me? Anyway, the Teams learn that the American Airlines connect at Boston and Baltimore while the United Airlines connect at Minneapolis. Fat Gus doesn't like the United Airlines stopping by Minneapolis. Tori asks Pornathan to ask how the weather is like in Minneapolis so that they have an idea whether the flight will be delayed there. Pornathan snaps at her to shut up because he can't listen to her and talk into the phone at the same time. Isn't it tiring to be constantly pretending to be quarreling? Stop breathing, Pornathan. Just die already, thank you. Jon learns that there is a hurricane blowing towards the west coast later that afternoon so the flight through Minneapolis is the one to go as it is a non-stop flight with no other stops in the way. Pornathan gets a similar message to go to Minneapolis "because of the weather", spoken by the person at the other end in a tone that implies so succintly that he wishes Pornathan to be caught in some hurricane and suffer a painful and slow lingering death as a result. See, even people at the other end of a Pornathan phonecall are repulsed by him. Why then is Bonghammer making me look and listen to this odious cartoon character? That cruel, cruel man! Fat Gus grumbles that Minneapolis isn't exactly famous for its smoothly-run airport. I don't know, I don't know Minneapolis that well, but I guess I'll just have to take his word on that. Anyway, Fat Gus and his buddies the Marvins and the Mollywoods decide to go ahead and try for the American Airlines flight.

Philo steps out as the camera zooms in on the O'Hare airport to explain that there are three flights, yadda yadda yadda. He also reveals that the three flights will land within five minutes of each other. Hmm, so the producers are just creating drama for the sake of drama? I guess "spoonfeeding" is theme of this season after the designers receive news that the Racers will be stacked with models. When the Race is over, one of those intrepid Racers will be bound to auction his copy of The Amazing Race Guide To Breathing on eBay. Freddy boasts to the camera that he and Kendra, being models, are familiar with the "nuances" of airports. Okay, so he has been dipping into Acme's Big Book of Bigger Words for Pretty Models Who Want To Sound Smarter Than Usual On TV but I'm sure he is using "nuances" all wrong. Unless he is talking about how when the airport tilts a little to the right, he can immediately sense that the building is going to collapse. Or something. Anyway, it doesn't matter. He and Kendra approach a counter and are told that they are at the wrong counter altogether. The counter sells tickets to flights going to Canada, says the ticket counter person in a peevish tone (I guess it's because many people approach the counter after mistaking it for something else - nobody really wants to go to Canada, after all). Oops. I guess the whole destination thing is a little too subtle a nuance for pretty Freddy to grasp. Meanwhile, Pornathan and Tori are still quarreling over which counter they should go to. Let's just ignore them and see what the other Teams are up to.

On the second train, the M&Ms, the DMJs, and Mormodels decide to take the American Airlines flight to Canyoupronouncethename, Iceland.

The Templates locate the correct counter first for the United Airlines flight (it has the red and yellow flags that Teams really shouldn't be able to overlook) and as they stand in line, the Superdumbos show up. Over at the American Airlines counter, some fuss arises when Fat Gus becomes rather vocally pleased to see the counter and his buddies all jostle to get in line. Hera tells the counter fellow to give her the fastest plane of American Airlines. I don't think she can afford that, to be honest. As the Teams get their tickets, the M&Ms, the DMJs, and the Mormodels manage to catch up with them and it's a party for everyone as they all pretend to like each other. Okay, I'm just being facetious. Call me idealistic but I really believe that these guys like each other.

I can't say the same for the folks at the United Airlines counter though. Pornathan is making some ridiculous "Hoo-ha!" sounds to draw attention, and failing to receive what he thinks is his due, he decides to bug the Tick. He elbows the Tick in a truly obnoxious manner and tells the Tick that, and I quote Pornathan, "Between my blue and your yellow, we are superheroes!" The thing is, the Tick is wearing blue and Pornathan is wearing his sick bucket yellow shirt. Pornathan can't even get his rehearsed script right. Now I know why they kicked him out of porn. He couldn't stop accidentally stealing the actress' line ("Give it to me, stud! On my face!") even if his life depends on it. The Tick gives him a wonderful "Eeeuw, if I beat the crap out of him, will people still like me, even if I really want to beat him up?" expression and then looks stonily ahead, making a show of ignoring that loser. After the Superdumbos and the STDS check in, there are only enough seats to accommodate the Goth-Nots. Poor Fre&Ks, who came in after the Goth-Nots, sigh and head over the American Airlines counter, where they along with the DMJs, M&Ms, and the Mormodels are given seats on the flight that transfers at Baltimore. The earlier teams of Girl and Girth, the Mollywoods, and the Marvins will take the other flight that stops at Boston. The Teams that will be passing Baltimore sigh and act upset because that flight leaves later but as it turns out, they and the Teams on the United Airlines flight do okay because their flights aren't delayed like the Boston flight. Oops, what was Fat Gus saying again about knowing his airlines? As the delayed Teams wait impatiently at the airport, Avi consoles himself by telling the camera that a 45-minute delay won't affect his Team's chances of catching that connection flight in Boston.

And then, they too finally board their flight and it's time for Philo to step forward and give a recap of the flight pattern and the Teams that are on each flight. He reveals that the Teams are heading towards the capital city, Reykjavik (boy, am I glad they didn't show Pornathan and company trying to say the name of that city), where upon landing Teams will find vehicles in the car park that they can use to drive themselves to the next location. The next Clue is found in each of these vehicles.

Look, there's Reykjavik, home of many people who are fed up of being confused with Irishmen. I am not responsible for any spelling errors that crop up in this recap while the Race is taking place in Iceland. The American Airlines flight that passed through Baltimore lands first at 5:54 am and it's subsequently a race to the vehicle for these people. The first Team to get into their vehicle is the Fre&Ks. They realize that they must now drive to the Seljalandsfoss waterfall, some 130 miles from the airport, where the next clue awaits them. Kendra tells Freddy to take "the One", which I presume is a highway. The other Teams, after consulting their roadmaps or just guessing blindly, also decide to do the same. What is this show without nuggets of wisdom from our sage Racers, right? So Kristy of the Mormodels starts the show by complaining that the sunlight is bright and there is fog too, so she is finding it quite hard to drive. She then says that she has been dreaming to come here "forever". Good luck in locating Dublin, Kristy! I hear it's just around that corner over there. Don (the old man - and trust me, I do understand that it's hard to keep track of these people) compares the icy landscape to that of the moon. Yeah, I hear the polar bears are cute too on the moon. Santa Claus feeds those creatures well.

At 6:03 am, the United Airlines flight that passed through Baltimore arrives, releasing the STDs, the Superdumbos, and the Goth-Nots to Iceland. At 6:04 am, the American Airlines flight (that passed through Boston) lands, bringing at last Girl and Girth, the Marvins, and the Mollywoods to Iceland.

In a refreshing contrast to the pervalent "Boy Do, Girl Coo" theme of the last season, Aaron Mollywood is in the backseat while Hayden drives. I love a man who lets the lady play with the gearstick. And Hayden, she tells Aaron that she loves a man who can read the maps for her. Amen, sister. The STDs are arguing, throwing maps all over the inside of the vehicle, and generally behaving like showboating Jerry Springer guests. Let's just pretend they are not here. Adam Ant is telling Rebecca to watch the map and gets annoyed when she prefers to give a dreamy travelogue to the camera instead. She says, "It's very Scottish-feeling here, you notice that? It's very ominous and there's that mist sort of lingering on the ground..." Instead of humming the tune of The Twilight Zone theme song, Adam tells her to cram it because they are not in Scotland. Guffaw. I'm starting to like these pretty people despite my initial reservations about them. She tells him that she can't read the maps anyway so it doesn't matter. Indeed, it doesn't. Who needs the million dollars? Just look at the mist! The funny thing is, as they are arguing, they drive past this big road sign with a prominent arrow pointing out that the highway they are looking for is just straight ahead.

Kris tries to read out some names of the places on the map she is studying only to give up and collapse in giggles. Fat Gus stuffs himself in the back as Hera drives. The Marvins are last. Avi says that he and Joe complement each other because he supplies the logic and Joe supplies the creativity. And since they're dead last, they better start complementing each other soon. Avi then starts singing, "New York Jews in Iceland!" He's really quite funny there. Ahead, Kendra (the manly male model's Team Partner) and Kristy (one of the Mormodel sisters) in their respective vehicles are starting to worry because they can't see the waterfall - or any waterfall - around them. Lena tells Kristy that there is no way that they can be lost because if they are, they are total idiots. Oi, didn't their mother teach them not to dig their own graves on TV? Don (the old geezer) and Mary Jean (the scary-looking old broad) stop to ask for directions but they must not have received much useful help if Don ends up telling Mary Jane that those Icelanders must be "ripped". Oh, Don, it's not even afternoon yet! Aren't these Icelanders fun or what? The M&Ms wonder whether they are on the correct highway. The STDs are quarreling and I am putting my hands over my ears and my toe on the fast forward button on my remote control as I sing over their shrill bickerings, "And moving on..."

The Superdumbos are also arguing, although their argument is more tolerable to watch because they do it more, what's the word, naturally and spontaneously than the vile showboating STDs. They stop to ask a guy who is fishing. While they stop, the vehicle of Girl and Girth zooms past them. Captain Liberty shrieks at the Tick to get back inside the vehicle and start driving. After all, she doesn't want to be beaten in the race to Planet Lost, after all. Hera playfully honks at the Superdumbos when the vehicle passes theirs, which leads Fat Gus to admonish her and then tell the camera that Hera behaves "too much like an ass" sometimes. Coming from someone whose ass can eat Tokyo and then maybe Long Island too, he's the one to talk about asses. Relax, Pop, and feel the love. The Marvins also pass the Superdumbos and they just have to smile and say "See ya!" I bet that Captain Liberty must love that one.

The Girl and Girth vehicle soon catches up with the Mollywoods'. Aaron suggests that Hayden let them pass and follow their lead. He's assuming that Hera and Fat Gus know where they are going. ("We still can't find Dublin! Where is it?" wail the Mormodels.) But when Girl and Girth nearly pass them, Aaron realizes that he has located the Seljalandsfoss and tells Hera to just follow the Mollywood. Hayden sighs to the camera that she's not too fond of alliances because it makes her feel like she has to keep track of four people instead of just her and Aaron. She's right. But at the same time, there's no need for cutthroat antics, I think, not at this early stage of the Race, so hey, there's nothing wrong in offering a helping hand, right?

The Templates are finding it hard to ask for directions because they don't know where they are going in the first place. Hmm, that's deep. Does Buddha have an answer for that one? Rebecca and Adam Ant are arguing over his shades. She says that they will interfere with his driving, what with the fog and all. Nobody touches Adam Ant's shades, however, and he growls that he will stuff her in the trunk if she persists at it. She blows and pops a bubble at him. These two are definitely showboating in this scene but unlike the STDs, they are actually kinda cute in a loser-goth-wannabe way to watch.

The Fre&Ks are confident that they are heading in the right direction and the Mormodels are happy because they will just follow the Fre&Ks. And then Freddy sees a waterfall. He gives a whoop of joy in which his voice breaks, and he laughs along with me when he realizes how he sounded. But then, I don't know why, Freddy decides that he must have found the wrong waterfall and asks the Mormodels to follow him and Kendra back to the highway. The camera zooms in on the red and yellow flags on the trail to the waterfall - it is the correct waterfall. Kristy (one of the Mormodels) isn't so sure and conflicted, she tells her sister Lena that they have decided early on not to follow people but here they are, following Freddy and Kendra to who knows where. Oh, what to do? Unfortunately, she decides to brush off her gut instinct and follow the Fre&Ks. They drive and drive and drive, slipping from first and second place to, um, lower and lower and lower, until they finally decide to go back to that waterfall Freddy saw earlier. I will be laughing if these people aren't so pathetic.

Elsewhere, the M&Ms are annoyed when they realize that the Marvins are catching up. The Marvins are happy because the M&Ms are on an earlier flight. The fact that they have caught up with the M&Ms means that they are making up on lost time, right? Somewhere else, Hayden spots the waterfall and tells Aaron that hey, she contributed something after all (apart from the driving, naturally). The Mollywoods are ahead, the Girl and Girth close behind, the Marvins have overtaken the M&Ms and closing in behind the Girl and Girth Team, and at the back of the line are the M&Ms. One straight highway, one straight line of cars. What can go wrong? Well, the highway branches out and the M&Ms heads in one direction while the Marvins head off in the other direction. The Marvins end up taking the correct route and Joe gives the thumbs down to the Queens (the M&Ms' home turf), saying that Brooklyn (the Marvins' home turf) is better. The Marvins have a short but happy reunion with Hera and Fat Gus at the Seljalandsfoss. As they run for the waterfall, the Superdumbos pull up and get out of their vehicles. As for the M&Ms, there they go into the metaphorical sunset. Aren't they beautiful?

The Mollywoods reach the clue stand at the waterfall first. They and the other three Teams are soon ripping off their clues and reading aloud to their respective cameras. The show deems that the Mollywoods make the best Clue readers so it is they whom I get to hear reading that stupid thing. The clue tells them to head down to the Vatnajokul, which Philo explains is the biggest glacier in Europe. The Teams won't be driving straight to or into (a pity) the glacier, though, they will have to go to a location near the Vatnajokul where they sign up for a charter van that will take them to about ten miles to the edge of the glacier. As the Mollywoods run to their vehicle, Hayden says that the run to the waterfall "kicked ass" and snaps at Aaron to "stay with" her (read: stop running too fast). Aaron says to the camera that Hayden can be a bitch at times. Wait until he meets Hayden's mother. Close on their heels are the other Teams.

The M&Ms finally decide that they are lost and turn around. They come across the Mollywoods moving in the opposite direction. That means they are on the right track. But naughty Aaron sticks his hand out and gestures to the M&Ms to follow the Mollywoods. And the M&Ms then turn around to follow the Mollywoods! Hayden says that Aaron is such a meanie for doing that. Aaron giggles at his own cleverness. Yeah, he's a naughty boy, but at the same time, it's hard to emphatize with the M&Ms when they should know better than to blindly follow their rivals in a race for a million dollars.

Somewhere, way back, the Templates (the dating long-distance models, in case you have understandably forgotten them already) are trying to cut past the Goth-Nots but Rebecca is telling Adam Ant not to let them pass. Jon manages to cut past the Goth-Nots and tells Kris that he is oh-so-daring to make such a "bold" move. Kris giggles because the face Adam Ant made when the Templates passed the Goth-Nots are supposedly funny. Adam Ant, meanwhile, is telling Rebecca that he is going to ram this vehicle into the Templates'. Rebecca whines that Adam is irritating her so he'd better stop doing that now. How old are all these people again? Nine? Both Teams reach the waterfall without killing each other, read the clue, and go off to look for that big glacier. Then come the Fre&Ks and the Mormodels and then they are off. As they leave, the STDs pull up. Whatever. La-la-la, fast foward. In the FRe&K vehicle, Kendra is bitching that Freddy always runs ahead and leaves her behind. Freddy just nods. Ten bucks he hasn't heard a single word she is saying. The STDs are screaming at each other as they run to the waterfall. Hey, what does the mute button on my remote control actually do? Let me test it out.

The DMJs (the old geezers) are still looking for the waterfall. Don notes that the fog is clearing. I think he's talking about the fog around him and not the fog in his mind.

Anyway, far ahead, Hayden is complaining that the other Teams are on her "ass". Wait, isn't that why she signed up for this show? Aaron tells her to keep driving and forget about the Teams on her ass. Meanwhile, Girl and Girth are letting pretty much every Team, even the Templates and Mormodels, drive past them. Why? Whenever Hera tries to accelerate, Fat Gus snaps at her, telling her that they won't kill themselves with "crazy driving" that he feels are getting out of hand. Poor Hera. Her ridiculous father is going to make her a laughingstock and there is nothing she can do, short of sedating him into a blissful stupor with a ton of Big Macs and leaving him behind in the Pit Stop, to prevent that. What does Fat Gus think he and his daughter are participating in? The Amazing Drive Carefully Campaign?

The DMJs finally pull up at the waterfall. Mary Jean tells Don to walk so that they will both avoid breaking their legs or something. You can't always be too careful on the Race, after all. Do the DMJs want some kneepads to go with the leisurely stroll?

Oh look, there's Adam Ant. He and Rebecca stop by a gas station to ask for directions. Apparently they have broken away from the pack and gotten lost in the process. The M&Ms seem to have lost the Mollywoods and now they are looking for the waterfall. Good luck in that one, ladies. The world outside the Queens is a cruel, cruel place. The M&Ms come across the Goth-Nots. Rebecca is nice enough to take out her map and show the M&Ms where the waterfall is. She also tells the M&Ms that the waterfall is about an hour and a half journey from this place. The M&Ms are rightfully horrified - and as one of they says, "nauseous" - that they have been lost for this long. As they finally make their way - to the correct place this time, I hope - they describe their adventures so far as "pretty disconcerting". These ladies have a gift of being understated. Impressive, really.

Ahead, the Teams begin to reach the glacier site one by one. Philo explains that there are four chartered vehicles that will take the Teams to their next destination, each vehicle carrying up to three Teams. The Mollywoods, the Superdumbos, and the Mormodels manage to get on the first vehicle. Mormon models, engaged actors, and professional wrestlers in the same bus - what is the world coming to? The Templates, the Marvins, and the Goth-Nots have to watch in disappointment as the first vehicle leaves. These three Teams will have to catch the next vehicle. The STDs are still quarreling as they look for the glacier site and Pornathan tells Tori that he wants a divorce because she has no idea where her boundaries are. If she knows, Pornathan, Tori would be fencing herself in and pointing a gun at him so that he can stay the hell out of her life. That is what boundaries should be all about. Since they are dead to me, I'm moving on to the next Team.

As the first three Teams approach the glacier, the Teams that have found the waterfall and are currently lagging at the back (Girl and Girth, the Fre&Ks, the DMJs) are making an assortment of excuses, exclamations, and hopeful exhalations as they try to find their way to the site. Mary Jean tells her husband Don that if they get lost one more time, she's jumping off the bridge. Heh, it's nice to see a granny who wants to win for once instead of just being nice or sweet on TV. The STDs reach the site just in time to see the vehicle carrying the Goth-Nots, the Templates, and the Marvins leave. Pornathan screams that his Team is screwed. Whatever, really. This Team, along with the Fre&Ks and Girl and Girth will be on the third vehicle.

The first vehicle reaches the destination near the glacier. The first Team to get off the bus - the Suerdumbos - open their Clue and learn that they must now take one of the available snowmobiles and take themselves down to a camp site set up about two and a half miles from the glacier. The Teams will be sleeping overnight there. Outside each cute round tent will be a post that has a depature time for a vehicle that will take the Teams to the next destination. Teams will have a choice to pick from tents that have departure times of 10:00 am, 10:30 am, 11:00 am, and 11:30 am. Obviously, first come first serve. One of the Mormodels, Lena (the "wild" one), says that she doesn't like the idea of sleeping in tents because she's not the kind of person to "rough it". I know, this show is so inconsiderate. And when is the bachelor going to hand out roses to the women he wants to sleep with during the show, pretend to be in love with at the finale, and dump ten seconds after the finale? Oops, wrong show. Think about that, Lena darling.

Teams begin va-vooming across the snow to the camp site and there's nothing to say, really, because nobody gets injured or anything. The DMJs finally find the glacier and they get on the fourth vehicle, certain that they are the last time. No, Mary Jean, the DMJs are not the last team. Say hello to the M&Ms, who are right now still looking for the waterfall. Maybe they will find Shangri-La first. And then the M&Ms are at the waterfall. They console themselves by saying that this time, they definitely know how to get to the glacier site, thanks to the Mollywoods.

The Superdumbos wisely pick a 10:00 am tent. Ditto the Mollywoods. The Mormodels settle for the first tent they see, a 10:30 am tent, and later sigh in disappointment when they realize that they should have looked at the other tents first before choosing one for themselves. Well, it could be worse. 10:30 am isn't that bad! As the second trio of Teams snowmobile to the camp site, Avi points out that for forty years "his people" had been walking the deserts so that he and Joe could wander the glaciers. Heh. Joe adds that God has a funny sense of humour. Hee. I like these two. I want to donate some money for any hair plugs that they need. The third trio of Teams snowmobile too. And as the DMJs leave in their vehicle, the M&Ms finally reach the shuttle transportation area where a fifth vehicle has been kindly provided to accommodate them. How embarrassing, heh heh heh. Still, it's kind of the show people to spring an extra vehicle for them instead of making the M&Ms walk to the camp site.

Back at the camp site, the Templates and the Marvins grab the last two 10:30 am spots. The Goth-Nots have to settle for a 11:00 am spot along with the Fre&Ks and the STDs. Fat Gus topples off the snowmobile (surprise) before he and his daughter reach the site and have to settle for a 11:30 am spot. The DMJs soon arrive and they too take the 11:30 am spot. Don is so sweet when he calls Mary Jean "love", awww. Oh, the M&Ms are finally getting on their snowmobile. "I never thought I'd be straddling you on a snowmobile, Meredith," says Maria. Meredith doesn't know how to answer that one and frankly, I don't as well. The Superdumbos decide to entertain everyone else at the camp site with their wrestling antics. Aaron plays the referee and Captain Liberty is the winner. Well, it's all staged anyway so it doesn't matter who wins, does it?

The evening lengthens and it is quite dark when the M&Ms finally pull up in their snowmobile. The other Teams clap and cheer as the M&Ms arrive. The two women stagger into the campsite, grab the last tent available (11:30 am) and fall flat onto the snow. And thus, a wonderful first day of the Race is done and over with. Good night, everybody.

Good morning, Teams. Adam Ant complains that he is cold when he opens his eyes. Really? With all the ice around him? I'm surprised. Pornathan tells his wife that they love each other again. Tori says to the camera that she will not stand in his way because she wants to win and they won't win if they fight. Since she's married to him, no amount of money she wins will make her a winner in any way, so she may as well just punch him in the face for me right now. In a nice contrast, the DMJs share a nice morning smooch as they giggle. He says that she looks like a Russian peasant in her woolen cap and all and she says, well, he looks like a Stanford Dummy. What's a Stanford Dummy? Whatever it is, I suspect that it must be as adorable as Don over here. The Mormodels' camping experience hasn't changed Lena's mind one bit about camping. The birds chirp, "I don't care."

And then Fat Gus slithers out of his tent, shirtless. Eeuw, I hope he doesn't sleep in that closed space with his daughter in that condition. She may suffocate to death if he accidentally sucks up all the oxygen in the tent. Not to mention that the whole scene feels creepy beyond belief, especially when the camera zooms in on his pulling on his pants over his underpants - Calvin Klein will be calling soon, I'm sure - before Fat Gus has a great time washing his naked armpits with snow. The Tick says that he wants to get the hell out of this place. I don't know if that is inspired by the sight of Fat Gus doing his morning thing but if that is the case, I symphatize. Captain Liberty tells the Tick that her implants are frozen. I like her. She's honest and she cuts straight to the point. Hayden says that she can't feel her toes. Her implants must be less sensitive than Captain Liberty's then.

The 10:00 am Teams soon find themselves some distance away where they find yet another vehicle available for each Team to drive themselves to the next destination stated in the Clue located inside each vehicle. Is it me or so far this show is quite poorly designed and unimaginative to boot? Some minor drama ensues when Hayden bitches to Aaron that the "shady" Superdumbos always just follow the Mollywoods and then try to overtake the Mollywoods when they all get out of their vehicles. Aaron tells her not to worry about the two bozos. I agree, they should focus on their acting careers that will definitely take off once they are done with this show. I'm sure they will be so big that Fat Gus will need to order bigger underpants. The other Teams leave too in their respective designated buses. Oh, Pornathan tells Tori to walk faster because she is too slow and he doesn't care if she is carrying more things than he is. How nice, he makes his wife carry everything, berates her when she's slow, and verbally abuses her when she overtakes him. I seriously hope that he is just playing up for the camera because if this is the real him, he deserves to be tarred and kicked out of town by decent human beings everywhere.

Philo explains that Teams must now drive to the Glacier Ice Beach (is that really the name of that place?) for their next instruction. The Superdumbos and the Mollywoods pretty much reach the beach at the same time and they both grab for their clue. It's now time for a Detour. Philo comes out to explain that Teams who choose to do "Ice Climb" must do just that - climb an ice wall located some 35 miles from here. Teams that prefer to do "Ice Search" must take a boat and search an entire lagoon for a buoy that carry their next clue. The lagoon is not small, so who knows how long this Detour will take? Both the Superdumbos and the Mollywoods decide to ice climb. Their reasoning? In their respective vehicles, the Tick is telling Captain Liberty that Hayden is weak and will never be able to do it while Aaron is telling Hayden that the bulky, overly-steroidal Superdumbos will most likely drop down to their deaths like elephants on a tightrope. Only Aaron says it more politely than me.

The second vehicle takes the Marvins, the Mormodels, and the Templates to the vehicle spot, the Teams drive themselves to the beach, and they get the clue. Repeat for the third vehicle carrying the STDs, the Fre&Ks, and the Goth-Nots. Pornathan is still trying to be the biggest jerk in the world. Watching him is really excruciating because there is no entertainment value at all in his scenes. He and his wife are just two truly horrible people ruining an otherwise most enjoyable episode. The last Teams get ready to leave.

The Marvins, the Mormodels and the Templates read about their Detour and have to make a decision. Kristy, the conservative Mormodel, is nervous about doing the ice climb but Lena, the wild one, assures her that it will be "awesome". Kristy tells the camera that Lena is a great "cheerleader". Literally or figuratively or both, I don't know. The Templates decide to ice climb too. Kris giggles because she is so excited about her first Detour on the show. Is she high on something? She's been giggling every time she's on screen. The Marvins on the other hand choose to ice search.

The Marvins are down in the lagoon now. Mmm, lots of ice and water but not a single hot buoy in sight. Ain't that a downer. Joe asks aloud, if he is a buoy, he wonders where he would be. Not here, asking silly questions, that's for sure. But hey, he's funny. He's alright, you know.

The Mollywoods and the Superdumbos are getting geared up for their ice climb.

"Here, buoy, buoy, buoy!" Joe calls out to nobody in particular as the Marvins look around the lagoon. Does that work? He gets excited when he thinks he has seen it, but it turns out that he has seen a boat instead. Bummer. He needs more practice in staring at hot buoys in the beach.

The Mormodels and the Superdumbos climb. Hayden does a good job in keeping up with Captain Liberty when the ladies climb first but Aaron just sort of dangles there helplessly when he and the Tick take the walls. Still, he manages to climb to the top. The two Teams are rewarded with a clue that tells them to drive straight to the Pit Stop at the Blue Lagoon, some 200 miles from here. Wait a minute, the Blue Lagoon is in Iceland? Dang, the movie lied. Philo points out that the last Team to arrive may be eliminated and their dreams of mediaho-dom crushed forever.

Captain Liberty yells at the Tick, who is catching his breath, to "bring" his "ass" "on" as they are here to Race. He tells her to be quiet. Overhearing those two, Hayden tells Aaron that Captain Liberty has some mouth on her.

Hey, the guy manning the boat is quite easy on the eyes. Anyway, the cute boatman tells Avi to sit down when Avi wants to move closer to touch a glacier. Come on, Mr Boatman, it's not as if people get to touch glaciers everyday! It's an experience, so much better than licking the wall inside one's freezer.

The STDs decide to search. The Goth-Nots and the FRe&K want to climb. Kendra whines to Freddy that she wants to do the boats because she is quite "sore" (I really don't want to know, really) and Freddy assures her that he'll be with her all the way. Rebecca tells the camera that she and Adam decide to climb because they believe that the search can consume a long time and be really frustrating. Adam chimes in that he always believe that "not always what's closer is what's faster" (sic). I... oh, forget it. Cut your hair, boy. Just do it.

The Marvins are still searching. They insist that they aren't regretting their decision. Yet.

Pornathan yells at the bewildered boatmen who are waiting by the lagoon, "Who's got game? Gimme a face! Gimme a face!" It must be nice to see the world as one big wrestling ring. He then picks a boatman who looks like he wants to drop down dead on the spot. And as the boat takes off, Pornathan stands at the front and screams "Woooo!" like some emasculated pansy trying way too hard. Tori asks him to sit down because he's obstructing the boatman's view. He tells her to shut up. One episode and he's already becoming predictable. The boatman tells him to sit down. Pornathan sits down. What a loser.

The Superdumbos fall back and the Mollywoods surge ahead in the highway to the Pit Stop when the Superdumbos somehow cannot figure out which way they should go and end up screaming at each other as if they are still reenacting the latest WWE soap opera on TV. Hayden, passing the Superdumbos' vehicle, overhears the two bozos screaming "You're an idiot!" at each other and asks Aaron whether he hears those two too. He does and he and Hayden have fun imitating those bozos ("Slow down, stupid," Aaron teases Hayden) while at the same time saying that it is so horrible when people "degrade" each other. They should keep that in mind when the Race progresses. While I agree with them in principle, this show is a glass house and when they throw stones...

The M&Ms and the DMJs decide to climb. Fat Gus and Hera decide to search. Seriously, you expect Fat Gus to climb the ice wall?

The poor Marvins have no luck and they are still searching when the obnoxious STDs locate the buoys. Life can be so cruel that way. The STDs scream and holler like epileptic howler monkeys and the camera zooms to the horrified expression of the boatman. The Marvins sigh, call themselves morons, and say that the whole hunt sucks. I hate to agree with them but man, this sucks, it really does. Joe says that it isn't about being scared to lose - he's just annoyed by the futility of this frustrating search he and Avi are stuck with.

Aaron says that he has a map that indicates the location of the Blue Lagoon so he's feeling confident that he and Hayden will make it there in good time. The Superdumbos, whom he calls the Meatheads, are nowhere to be seen. He and Hayden say that they like the Tick but find Captain Liberty a little too much at times. The show cuts to Captain Liberty screaming at the Tick, blaming him for getting them lost, and calling him all kinds of stupid for not being able to read the map in his hands. And in a spooky "coincidence", which I'm sure that's all there is to this scene, they stumble upon a Blythe Danner lookalike in the middle of nowhere. Blythe is just standing there with some shopping bags in her hands, as if she has been waiting for them all along! The Tick is understandably nervous at the sight, remembering the villainous Cackling Bag Lady who uses her bags to hit her enemies in the head hard, but Captain Liberty just wants him to get his ass out of the vehicle and ask Blythe for directions. Blythe helpfully provides the directions but Captain Liberty isn't placated. She is still screaming at the Tick and he is screaming back at her to shut up when they drive away.

The Mormodels complete their ice climb and they are giddy with excitement and flushed with satisfaction. Kristy, the initially pessimistic one, declares that she loves the ice climbing. That's the spirit! These model people are making me like them more and more as the episode progresses. Except for the STDs, who can really eat broken shards of glass and die for all I care, that is. The Templates also finish the climb and those two Teams take off for the Pit Stop.

Freddy is fascinated by Adam Ant's "horns" and Kendra tells him that Adam Ant is a "horny hellboy". She even makes those horn gestures with her hands on the sides of her head. Freddy better hopes that she's not talking from personal experience. Behind the Fre&Ks, the Goth-Nots agree that the Fre&Ks are such nice people. In front, the Fre&Ks agree that the Goth-Nots are like "four-foot-two" and the Goth-Nots will be like "little monkeys" attempting to climb the ice wall. Newsflash to Kendra: monkeys are good at climbing. She will need to find another animal for her comparisons. Both Teams complete the ice climb and are soon heading for the Pit Stop.

Pornathan and his wife are lost. He blames her, she denies everything, and they should both die now.

The Marvins are still looking. Fat Gus sinks the boat. No, he and his daughter are looking too. He thinks that his CIA days will be useful here. Did the CIA teach him ESP or X-ray sight or something? The M&Ms begin their climb. Don is having problems with his seat when he is driving the DMJs to the ice climb site but Mary Jean can't seem to adjust his seat for him and finally just orders him to get used to the seat, sit forward, and drive fast. Heh heh, she really wants to win this, doesn't she?

Aaron takes off right left shoe and sock, wave the foot at Hayden, and Hayden uses her right hand to rub the sole. Eeeuw. He then says that his feet stink, she smells her hand and makes a face, and they both laugh over it. No wonder their acting career isn't going anywhere before this. Fetish movies cater to such a small niche audience, yes? Elsewhere, the Mormodels think they know a short-cut but decide to stick to the longer highway because they don't want to get lost. Speaking of which, I wonder whether they have discovered the difference between Ireland and Iceland yet. Or are they still looking for Dublin on the map? Somewhere else, Pornathon accosts some people for directions to the Blue Lagoon. Is it wise to let this man roam around like this? I mean, people may rightfully hate him on sight and break both his knees with a crowbar or something. And that will be a very bad thing to do, right?

The Marvins finally find their hot buoy. They hug and whoop and holler in joy. "Aloha! Welcome to the Big Island, everyone!" Avi calls out to the camera as they jump off the boat and run for their vehicle. Wrong country, buddy, but because he's so cute, I'll overlook that one. Whatever, now get moving! Girl and Girth find the buoy soon after and then they too are off for the Pit Stop.

The DMJs begin climbing the ice wall. They rock. If those use-free women Kim, Christie, and Nicole from the last season have to do this Detour in the first episode, those Teams would be eliminated by the end of the day, I tell you.

The Superdumbos are making their way to the Pit Stop but Captain Liberty is still hammering at him hard, calling him stupid and saying that she should have trusted her gut instincts instead of him, and so forth. He apologizes and asks her to just let it go but she keeps on and on and on about his stupidity that they end up throwing the map at each other instead of concentrating on the Race. He tells her to stop running her mouth like a "dumbass redneck". Heh, I find it too amusing that there are wrestlers on this show calling each other "dumbass rednecks". And then they switch topic, this time arguing whether they are last (which she insists they are) or not. I give up. Let's move on to a more watchable Team.

The Mormodels and the Templates are making good progress. In the meantime, the Marvins decide to take a gamble by taking a shortcut through some back roads to the Pit Stop. I don't have a good feeling about this, guys. Hera is worried that she and her father are last but vows to do the best they can to get there. Or in this case, her best to step on the accelerator without Fat Gus catching her at it and giving her a misguided lecture on road safety.

Philo is waiting at the Pit Stop with some VIP who, alas, is not Björk. How could we be in Iceland and not feature Björk even once? After smelly tuna, Björk is Iceland's biggest legend, y'all! We need more culture on this show, I tell you. The first team to arrive is the Mollywoods. Philo gives them a free trip to Hawaii. The both of them hug Philo, no doubt encouraged by Brobbie's amorous attentions in the last season, and Philo, the rascal, enjoys himself to the fullest. Hayden tells Philo that the Mollywoods are a very "loving" bunch. Is that an invitation to some sleazy arrangement? These actors today, I tell you, they have no morals anymore. What is the world coming to?

Mary Jean overtakes Meredith in the ice wall climb. Whoa, that is really cool! Don, when he reaches the top, says in the sexiest brand of sardony, ""I'd rather put that ice in a martini." I'm a very loving person too, Don. Can I give you a hug? The DMJs and the M&Ms dash for the road, both Teams worried that they are fighting for the honor to be the first Team to be eliminated from this show.

The Templates and the Mormodels reach the Pit Stop at about the same time and the two Teams make a mad dash for the Finishing Mat. The Templates reach there first, they are team number two, but it's no feelings between them and the Mormodels as the two Teams exchange a high-five when the Templates step off the mat so that the Mormodels can be ordained team number three. How did it happen, that I start out having plenty of reservations about these models and aspiring actors but I end up liking them? It is, I suspect, because these Teams exhibit what seems like genuine friendly camaraderie with each other and even sincere joy at just being in the Race. Sure, they may have their own reasons to get their agents to get them on the show, but at the end of the day, they all seem to love being here and that's all that matters to me, that they are Racers in spirit where it counts.

The Fre&Ks are in high moods because they are not last and despite spoilsport Kendra's predictions, Freddy says that his optimism is not going to jinx them.

Meanwhile, the Goth-Nots stop for gas. Rebecca wonders whether she should put diesel or regular into the vehicle. Adam Ant is in a hurry to... er, I don't know what he wants to buy really but he's in a hurry and tells her to just choose the regular. Which is what she promptly does and, oops, right there inside the gas cap, is "Diesel" written very prominently. The guy behind the counter is too happy to tell the Goth-Nots that they have to empty the tank and it may take awhile to find someone to do that. Rebecca blames herself, not that it's entirely her fault, and Adam Ant tells her to go away so that he can talk to the counter guy man to man. Or in this case, dweeb to dweeb. Adam Ant is not happy with Rebecca wailing and tells her to cry somewhere else. He is also not happy when a guy comes up and tells him that the emptying of the tank may indeed take a while. How does the guy know, Adam Ant snaps. The guy socks it to Adam Ant good by telling Adam that he's the mechanic called to look at their vehicle problem. Heh. Finally Adam Ant notices the "Diesel" sign on the inside of the gas cap and surmises accurately that they should have read first but apparently the Goth-Nots are not good at that. Since self-awareness is often rare among the Racers of this show, I'm pleasantly surprised by his confession.

The Fre&Ks reach the Finishing Mat without any fuss. They are team number four. Eeeuw, the STDs are team number five. Pornathan hugs Philo, who looks totally repulsed by the full contact, and then spends the next half an hour hollering. The Superdumbos are team number six. Is Captain Liberty happy? She tells Philo that they would have been here earlier if it weren't for the Tick and then, pointing at the still hollering idiot Pornathan, tells the Tick that they have been beaten by "Blue Hair" and it is, in her own words, "embarrassing"! I can't stop laughing. The Tick tells the camera that arguing is the Superdumbos' way of communicating. Wait until she discovers his earplugs. Then there will be real communication alright.

The Goth-Nots have their vehicle fixed up nicely and Rebecca thanks the helpful gas station folks sweetly before the Goth-Nots continue their hellbent driving down the road. And zoom - they past the DMJs, prompting Don to speculate that the DMJs may not be able to outrun the Goth-Nots to the Finishing Mat. Mary Jean says that she can outrun anything for a million dollars. The more I see these two the more I like them. They aren't caustic like the Tokens but they are proving to be as determined to win as the Tokens instead of just being nice and sweet. Nice and sweet are okay with me but competitive gutsy older folks are even better.

Elsewhere, Girl and Girth and the Marvins are approaching what they both believe to be the Blue Lagoon. Fat Gus and Hera reach the spot first and at first can't see anything but yachts and mountains. And then Hera spots the red and yellow flags marking the Pit Stop - it's at the other end across the lake. As they leave, they notice the Marvins pull up. Fat Gus tells them that the Pit Stop is not here but Avi decides that he doesn't trust Fat Gus at this point and the Marvins decide to go in and look anyway. And what do you know, Fat Gus is right. Oops.

The M&Ms and the Goth-Nots pull up at the same moment and it's a mad dash to the Finishing Mat. The Goth-Nots reach there first, prompting Rebecca to laugh at the M&M's face. That's so sweet of her. The diesel mistake has definitely been a humbling experience for this sensitive young lady. Adam Ant spits on the mat - yucks - and then everybody hug because the Goth-Nots are team number seven and the M&Ms team number eight. The DMJs are next, where Mary Jean warns Philo not to say it. Well, he tells them that they are team number nine. The DMJs hug each other in relief.

The show suggests that it's a close fight between the former allies Girl and Girth and the Marvins, but it must not be that close of a fight if Fat Gus can walk unchallenged with his daughter to the Finishing Mat as team number ten. Awww, so the Marvins are the last Team to arrive and it is with heavy heart that Philo sends them away. The Marvins clearly don't expect to come in last and Avi sighs, saying that they have tried so hard. I know, boys. I'm as sad as they are by this turn of events because the Marvins are funny, pleasant, and they definitely have fun on this Race. They talk about friendship and what-not, and then it's time to say bye bye to everyone until next week.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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