THE AMAZING RACE

Season 6 Episode 5: Quit Following Us

Previously this show is still light and fun. This week, it's a Very Important Show because it is all about Emanicipation and Liberty. It is also about Potential Spousal Abuse. This is a rather bitter episode, so brace yourselves, people. Oh, and if you like to send flames to that vile and disgusting example of a complete waste of carbon material Pornathan, he has, at the last count, three websites (including one where he pretends to be Tori) on the Web that you can locate easily. All three websites have email links for you to either book him for an appearance (yeah right), send him fanmail (snort), or do "other" things. I assume that bitter, hate-filled flames telling him to go kill himself will fall under "other". In other news, the DMJs came in last but weren't eliminated because that leg was one out of three predetermined non-elimination legs. However, they have to surrender their money to Philo as a penalty for coming in last.

Credits. Tori looks so much happier with the family dog than with Pornathan.

The camera closes in on a statue of a man and woman, both wearing shackles and in a heartbreaking embrace, and Philo "Emancipation, Like My Packages, Is Heavy Stuff" Koughie explains that he is standing at the "epicenter" of the African slave trade for more than three centuries, the Ile de Goree. The music is more melancholic than usual so hopefully Kendra, if she is watching this, won't giggle at the wrong moments. He repeats his usual spiel about first Teams and last Teams and wonders whether the last Team will ever claw their way out of the bottom. Judging from the last four episodes, no.

12:52 am. The Most Bloody Boring Perfect Team, the Templates, get ready to leave. Jon, by the way, is wearing some really tight tee that allows me direct glimpse of the two satellite nubs on his chest. I wonder whether they can receive the BBC. Their Clue tells them to locate the Slave House on the island, the Slave House being the place where the captured men and women of Africa were kept before they were herded off to the Americas, although I also hear that the states down the South prefer to read about Huckleberry Finn instead because the FCC thinks that the whole violence and rape thing in the history of slavery will corrupt the morals of the impressionable school children of America today. Kris' insightful opening babble reveals that the two love each other, trust each other, and prefer to run the Race by themselves without relying on allies. I learn something more about them whenever they are on screen.

2:18 am. Sigh, it's that vile creature and his stupid wife. Pornathan says that the STDs have been second for the last three legs now - excuse me, Mr Mental Magician, but the STDs came in fourth place in the third episode - anyway, he says that it frustrates him that the STDs "cannot get it together" to come in the first place. He doesn't say it but I'm sure he'll blame Tori anyway for their inability to get "it" together. And no, he doesn't get "it". I don't think he ever will.

2:19 am. The Superdumbos leave. Captain Liberty says that yeah, she and the Tick "butt heads" often but she loves him at the end of the day. She has to be because she's been married to him for eight years. Anyway, as they wander off in the dead of the night, she scolds him for not having those helmets with torches that Colin used to wear last season.

2:20 am. The Mollywoods leave. Hayden says that she's quite snippy at Aaron when the going gets tough but she won't have any other partner. Why, because only Aaron can stand listening to her without telling her to stuff it? Anyway, yeah, so they go off into the night.

2:21 am. The Fre&Ks leave after counting the money they receive at this leg of the Race ($80) and they bump into the Mollywoods. As the two Teams indulge in some sneaky strategy talk ("Dude, where's the, like, Slave House, bro?" "Yo, dude, I dunno, let's just walk, babe!), Kendra explains to the camera that the Mollywoods are the only Team that the Fre&Ks trust to run the Race with to the end. This newfound friendship must have blossomed at the Pit Stop because on the Race I've seen the Mollywoods interact more with the Templates. Hmm.

2:22 am. Heh, all the Teams after the Templates are leaving within a minute of each other. Anyway, it's the Goth-Nots turn to leave. Adam Ant says to the camera that he doesn't think that they have done well on the Race so far. Probably not but I have a good time laughing at their expense nonetheless. As they wander off into the night, they try to work on not following people around only to end up admitting that they are doing just that by trailing after the Fre&Ks and the Mollywoods on the street. Rebecca tells Adam that she loves to get out of Africa and adds that she now understands why so many people wanted to "escape" from this country. I'm pretty sure that Africa will be just as happy as she is to see her "escape", preferably via a box thrown from an airplane straight down into the Pacific.

2:45 am. Girl and Girth leave. Fat Gus says that the Race has changed Hera for the better because she is now "focused" and "driven". The formerly flakey and directionless Hera must be so proud to hear this high praise from her father. Spending time together on a Race to win a million dollars does wonders for a relationship.

4:28 am - oh my goodness, look at the time - sees the DMJs leaving the starting line. They don't receive any money for this leg of the Race but Mary Jean tells the camera that they will sing and dance if they have to in order to get some money. Well, they can dance, I suppose, at least until their legs give way like they always do after a climb up a flight of stairs or a fast run along a street.

The Templates locate the Slave House where a local lady hands them a scroll. As they read, the show segues into a montage of every Team reading out a message from Bonghammer. The Slave House will open only at 8:30 am. This bunching serves a purpose though: Teams must perform a simple ceremony before they leave Ile de Goree. When the doors of the Slave House open, Teams must walk down the narrow hallways to the Door of No Return, a door where slaves were loaded onto the slave ships headed for the New World, and place a single white rose there in tribute. The usual custom, I hear, is to pour some water from a bottle of water onto the ground (usually after a round of prayers) as a form of tribute, but I guess white roses are more dramatic than subdued grief and tears when it comes to TV, especially when one gets to zoom down on the roses in slow motion.

At 8:30 am, the doors of the Slave House opens. Even on TV, the sight of the dank and narrow hallways of the slave warehouse leading to the only source of light - the small opening that is the Door of No Return - is heartbreaking. I'm less impressed with the unsubtle Wailing of the Damned soundtrack or the sight of Pornathan playfully smelling the rose and making a face when the other Teams are doing the best to act solemn. Don is tearing up when the DMJs leave the Slave House. But Fat Gus and Hera are understandably deeply affected by their visit and Fat Gus breaks down into sobs. Hera comforts him and later, as they walk down the street, Fat Gus apologizes if he has somehow embarrassed Hera. Come on, there's no shame in being a decent human being. Hera assures him that he hasn't embarrassed her and they share another hug. To the camera, Fat Gus says that he didn't cry at his father's funeral but the Slave House moved him because he saw himself as one of those slaves being herded through the Door of No Return. He hopes that the other Teams realize the "magnitude of the human experience that is incorporated in the Race". What an optimistic fellow. I guess he doesn't follow too many reality TV shows. Before everyone leaves the Slave House, the show cuts one more time to the statue of the embracing slaves in the compound, in case there are still two people in the audience that haven't received the Slavery Is Evil message the show is dealing out today.

The Teams are given their Clue after they have paid their tribute to the Door of No Return. They learn that they must now travel to Berlin, Germany, and locate the Berlin Wall. Or rather, what's left of it after they broke down that thing and thousands of East Germans discover the joys of mass partying and capitalism one fateful night in 1990. You probably won't believe me if I say that Kris is excited to be going to Berlin. Jon's nipples are just as excited. Oh, and Philo explains that the Teams are expected to take a flight and then a train to Berlin.

The Teams rush to the ferry terminal only to realize that they have just missed a ferry going to the mainland. The next ferry leaves at 9:30 am. As the Teams wait, the DMJs tell the camera that they can't in good conscience beg for money from the thousand or so people living on Ile de Goree. They also bring up the fact that they are from affluent backgrounds which I suppose makes their observation about the simple living conditions of the locals they come across more valid than if they are, say, stinking poor. Anyway, the DMJs decide to beg from the other Teams instead. The other Teams nicely cough up some spare changes here and there. Rebecca even asks Adam whether giving the DMJs five dollars will break the Goth-Nots' bank and when Adam reassures her that it won't, she hands a fiver to Don and Mary Jean. Pornathan naturally wants to hog the stage by giving twenty dollars to the DMJs. Between this and his paying off the various tour guides he picks up (at least, I hope he is paying them with money and not anything else), I look forward to seeing the STDs completely broke and stranded in an airport without a cab somewhere later in the Race.

After surreptitiously counting their money, Don whispers to Mary Jean that they have more money than some of the other Teams but sssh, let's not tell anyone. He's the man, I tell ya.

Everyone boards the next ferry without much ado. Pornathan drafts another misguided local to help him locate a travel agent once they reach the mainland. In other news, the Mollywoods and the Fre&Ks decide to be friends forever and buy tickets for each other. When the ferry reaches the mainland, some of the Teams scramble for cabs to take them to the airport. As usual, some Teams give their Cab To Airport Gab to the cameras to pass the time. In this case, the Tick insists that he doesn't want some low-class discount flight for "the goats" and "the sheep". Lest we forget, he's no goat but a rather dim bulldog after all, and doggies don't like livestock much. Meanwhile, Mary Jean says that she must look as if she have aged forty years while in Senegal. Not really. She looks like a woman who took forty hours to travel forty miles though. Moving in a different direction on foot though are the STDs and Girl and Girth. Pornathan's latest friend is taking the STDs to a travel agent and Girl and Girth seems to be heading the same direction as well. The Templates are also getting directions from the locals to this agency. It must be the only one in town. The Goth-Nots take a cab but they ask the cab to drive them to the travel agency.

More cab gab. Hayden and her cab driver are friends now. See? They're both smiling. Aaron must be feeling jealous. In her cab, Kendra tells the camera that Senegal is "wretched" and "disgusting" and she "can't take" the poverty. "And they just keep breeding and breeding!" she says as the camera zooms in on the unsuspecting local women carrying their little tykes on the street. See, who says models are stupid? Without effort, Kendra has discovered the answer to the world's ovepopulation and poverty problems: just stop breeding! I must admit: the context and the timing of her sociological insight are wretched indeed. I don't know if this is an attempt at dark humor that doesn't come through or just the inner silly brat in Kendra talking but I do know that I don't think she is a racist as much as she is just a snobbish, spoiled, and ignorant little princess.

The travel agency turns out to be an Air France branch. The STDs come in first and manage to get seats on a 7:15 pm flight. Fat Gus and Hera along with the Goth-Nots and the Templates also manage to secure seats on that flight. All an all it's been very uneventful at Senegal Fly or Breed Travel Agency but the situation at the Dakar airport Air France ticket counter is a different story. Since the Mollywoods and the Fre&Ks have a deal to buy tickets for all of them, the Mollywoods who are the first in line will buy tickets for the Fre&Ks who aren't even in the queue yet. This doesn't make the Superdumbos, who are in line behind the Mollywoods, happy. The Tick loudly announces that the Mollywoods shouldn't be allowed to buy tickets for the Fre&Ks. Hayden tells him to stop making a scene. How rude of that man to tell other people that she is trying to help the Fre&Ks cut the queue! The Superdumbos tell Hayden that she shouldn't "cut line" for the Fre&Ks. Hayden protests that oh no, she is not cutting anyone's lines - what are the Superdumbos talking about?

The Fre&Ks finally arrive and are greeted with a particularly heated reception by the Superdumbos. Aaron finally speaks up to tell the Tick to shut up. The Tick quickly turns to him and puffing his chest up, wants to know what Aaron intends to do about the Tick not shutting up. Hayden comes between the two men and says that there will be no fighting ("Lower the testosterone a bit!") even if the Tick is five feet five and is on steroids. Wait, maybe she actually wants a fight so that she can join in. Anyway, the Tick announces that he's not on steroids. Does it matter, really, as long as he can swing Hayden in one hand and Aaron in another like a helicopter before sending the two twigs crashing out of the travel agency through the wall? The camera cuts to the dismayed/what-the-hell expression of the ticket lady. I bet she can't wait to see some teeth being loosened from the gums. Fight! I want to see a fight! Fiiiiight!

Alas, Hayden and Aaron won't have to splurge on cosmetic surgery because in the end Hayden decides to drop her intention to purchase tickets for the Fre&Ks. She sends Aaron to inform Freddy and Kendra of this. After hearing from Aaron that there is too much "drama" that prevents the Mollywoods from getting tickets for them as well, Kendra declares that some people are like "barbarians" inside the agency. I agree. Cutting queues are such barbaric social faux pas, and disgraceful to boot! I'm happy that Kendra agrees with me there. Maybe she should tell Hayden and Aaron not to breed as well. Despite Hayden really being undeserving of one, the now placated Tick gives Hayden an apology and even pats her shoulders in an awkward but endearing "We're friends again, right?" gesture. And he adds that he is not on steroids. Hayden gives a short laugh. I don't think she believes that. And after all that drama, everyone gets on the same flight without much problem. Isn't that a laugh?

All Teams are boarding the same flight from Senegal to Berlin via Paris. Philo comes out to explain that the Clue is located along a half-mile stretch of a part of the Berlin wall that is still standing.

Because people in Germany are mostly Caucasians and nobody cares about poor white people, the show skips the whole "Ooh, what a ghetto some places in East Germany can be!" things normally reserved for countries with dark-skinned people and zooms straight into the airport dash for cabs. The Fre&Ks are the first to get a cab and Kendra tells the camera that Berlin is so much different from the "ghetto third world". I have a hunch that she won't come off as so objectionable if she doesn't use the world "ghetto".

Look, the Templates love Berlin like they love Senegal (and Tokyo and Kalahari and New York and...)! Call me psychic but I'm sure if we drop them right into a site of brutal massacre in Rwanda, they will still go "Oh! What an interesting culture we are witnessing today!" The Goth-Nots mangle some German to their cab driver. I cringe and I don't understand German. Pornathan says that Berlin is beautiful because we have to love the people of a place that makes Mercedes. I hope he gets run over by a Mercedes. Hayden's German is probably better than Adam Ant's, although not that much. Fat Gus tells her daughter that the game is "afoot". Maybe he's saying "I hope we don't have to be on foot all the time" and I catch only a bit of that, who knows? The Superdumbos hail a cab. And lookee, there are the DMJs still wandering around the airport looking for the place where the cabs line up and wait for happy dotty tourists to fleece.

The STDs, the Goth-Nots, the Templates, and the Fre&Ks have arrived at the station. The STDs and the Fre&Ks learn that they must look for the train called the "S-bahn" that will take them to the Wall in question. The Templates on the other hand are told to look for the "U-bahn". Oops. Unless I am greatly mistaken, S-bahn and U-bahn are actually two different trains ran by different companies. The STDs are told to take the S-bahn by another local guy who will in fact bring them all the way there (what the hell is with people helping out this Team - please stop, people, STOP!) but when they meet the Templates and bring this up, Jon tells the STDs that they must look for the U-bahn instead. Unfortunately, the STDs don't believe them and trust the local that is helping them instead. The Goth-Nots who have been wandering around in confusion all this while catch sight of the STDs and quickly follow them. What happened to the resolution of not following other Teams, Rebecca? Pornathan is not happy and tells them to stop trailing after the STDs. Rebecca tells him that he is so smart so the Goth-Nots want to do everything that the STDs do. Please don't encourage him, he's bad enough already! Pornathan isn't amused and ends up yelling at them to quit following him and just get lost. Tori tries to chime in her support to him but he just tells her to shut up and stand there while he masterfully screams at the Goth-Nots to get lost. Of course, the Goth-Nots keep following anyway and there is nothing Pornathan can do. It's an uncomfortable train ride for the two Teams along with the Fre&Ks on the S-bahn. At the location of the ticket machines, the Templates are getting tickets for the U-bahn, smiling as always, those happy people that they are.

The Mollywoods and Girl and Girth arrive at the station next, followed by the Superdumbos. The Tick asks some people where the funny Germans "knocked down" the Wall (complete with hammer swinging gesture). They and the locals are still trying to figure out each other when the Mollywoods and Girl and Girth figure out that they must board the S-bahn and do so accordingly. By this time the Templates realize their mistake so they join the Mollywoods and Girl and Girth on the platform. The Superdumbos rush in only to watch the train pulls out with the other three Teams onboard. Hayden waves hi to them while the Templates laugh at the Superdumbos' missing the train. Wow, so the Templates can be quite mean too! There may be a chance for them to earn my approval after all, heh. The Superdumbos manage to board the next train. When the DMJs finally wander into the station, the Superdumbos are long gone.

The first train stops at the Warschauer Strasse S-bahn station and the three Teams on it get off. Pornathan smirks to the camera and explains that while he and Tori look along the wall for the clue stand, the other Teams go "into the Wall". Eh, what does that mean? I also have a sneaky suspicion that the Fre&Ks are the ones who decide to go "into" the Wall and the Goth-Nots blindly follow those two. As it is, the STDs are the first Team to locate the Clue and I nearly rip my eyeballs out of their sockets in frustration when it hits me that this Team is in first place. Philo comes out to explain that Teams must now go to the Kaiser Friedrich Gedachtniskirche, which he doesn't actually mention in name because I don't think he has the guts to try. He just calls the Emperor Fredrick Memorial Church, which is what we call the building in English, a church that was "partially destroyed" during the World War 2. (Trivia: it is never rebuilt in order for it to remain as a monument to the devastation of the war.) The clue stand is located in front of a sculpture across the street from the Church, a sculpture of broken chain links that represent the usual peace and unity thingie. Chains are easier to sculpt than doves, after all.

Meanwhile, the second train is here and the next three Teams get off. Girl and Girth are quickly left behind as they keep up in the pleasant walkie-walkie pace they tend to stick to while the Templates and the Mollywoods take off to search for the clue. Fat Gus looks around him, sighs heavily, and saying that after what he has witnessed in Ile de Goree and Berlin, he will always wonder how humans can bring about such destruction onto themselves. Wait, he used to be in the CIA, right? How can he ask such a question if he was in the freaking CIA? ("Not to mention, he's been traveling for days now with the STDs," says hubby.) The third train arrives next, releasing the Superdumbos loose. I have a pleasant vision of those two pulling apart brick by brick with their bare hands and sending the remaining portion of the Berlin Wall crashing down because they somehow misunderstood that the Clue is hidden inside the Wall.

Back to the earlier Teams. The Goth-Nots and the Fre&Ks realize that something is wrong when they reach the end of the Wall and can't see any red and yellow clue stand waiting for them. Freddy urges Kendra to get on her back and crawl under a metal grate to get to the other side. I'm sure the Berlin Town Council is going to hear from her about the wretched ghetto state of the city soon enough. Meanwhile, Rebecca tells Adam as they reach the end of the Wall without finding what they are looking for, "Come on, Adam, the Wall's done!" I'm sure it is.

"Oh God, these runs!" exclaims Mary Jean as the DMJs half-jog, half-walk to the Wall. I like this couple but egads, even with the bunching, they manage to get themselves cut off from the rest. I know fatigue can be a killer but this Team is just so slow, it's frustrating for me to watch them! Meanwhile, the Templates and the Mollywoods locate the clue stand and then they are off. Fat Gus and Hera locate it next and as they leave, they meet the Fre&Ks and the Goth-Nots coming from the other direction. Hearing Rebecca tell Adam that the Team has overshot the clue stand, Hera tells the camera that this is what happens when people run too fast. I don't know what her chances of becoming a successful motivational speaker are but I do know that she is not the one to talk about the consequences of running too fast. It's not as if her Team can actually run fast in the first place to test her theory. Soon joining the parade of Cabs to Church are the Goth-Nots and the Fre&Ks. Adam has finally discovered that if we tell the cab driver to "Turbo!", he'll drive very fast. I can't wait to try it out the next time I visit Berlin. The Superdumbos also manage to locate their Clue without having to break down even a little bit of the wall. I'm impressed. Captain Liberty tells the cab driver to run red lights and people over. Unlike Christie from the last season who comes off as deadly serious when she said it, Captain Liberty is so being funny. Maybe Colin will dump Christie for Captain Liberty now that Brobbie is not returning his calls and the Tick will break him into little sausage-sized pieces. The DMJs get their Clue too but instead of getting a cab, they decide to buck tradition by taking a train after receiving some advice from a stranger. Oh dear, this is not good.

The STDs by now have located the statue of broken chain links and realize that it's now time to do a Detour. "Brats" or "Beer", people? Philo explains that in "Beer", Teams must travel to the local watering hole, or the Brauhaus as cool people would say in German, and while carrying huge steins of beer, locate five coasters bearing the Teams' images and swap two steins for each coaster. I'm sure those waiters and bartenders on this Race will love to do this one. In "Brats", no, it has nothing to do with screaming babies, thank goodness, or Kendra will definitely have a nervous breakdown. Teams must travel to this place called the Zitadelle where they will have to operate a sausage press to make a bratwurst of five links, each link at least seven inches long. By the way, the local bratwurst makers are not using gloves when they are stuffing meat into the hole (oh stop sniggering, please). That's dirty. I mean... oh forget it.

Tori wants to play with bratwursts. It's the closest she'll ever come to holding a solid piece of meat in her hands, after all. They take a cab to the Zitadelle. Along the way, Pornathan wonders how hard making bratwursts can be. Tori says that they will find out soon enough. That's not the answer he is hoping to hear so he snaps at her, saying that he has seen Lucille Ball do it on an I Love Lucy episode so it can't be that hard. I'm more distracted by the fact that he watches that show rather than by his bizarre logic. Lucy is dead, why can't we let her rest in peace?

The Templates decide to choose the beer. Being perky all day long requires a huge amount of artificial fortitude that comes from alcohol, after all. Alas, they miss the train that will take them to the Brauhaus. In the meantime, the Mollywoods and Girl and Girth also decide to do beer. Aaron pleasantly anticipates drinking (cue his adorably cheesy German accent here) "da beers" while in a very funny contrast, Hayden beside him is waving her hand frantically at the cab driver to start driving fast while turning her hand back to see whether Girl and Girth have caught up with them every two seconds. It's like the bizarre coupling of a simpleton drunkard and the lead of The Exorcist. Beer and Satan, I like. Reaching the clue stand next, the Goth-Nots and the Superdumbos decide to play with brats. Finally, the Fre&Ks reach the clue stand and while they have no idea what a "stein" is, they decide to do beer. When in doubt, choose alcohol. You can't go wrong with that. And finally, the DMJs emerge from their train and wander around the place looking for a way out of the station. I hope they don't end up in the toilets by mistake.

At the Zitadelle, Tori puts her Playboy Bunny experience to good use as she slips the skin over the minced meat like a pro. Pornathan gets down to business, using his hands to mould the sausage links like the fluffer he was rumored to be before he opened a brothel, oops, sauna in LA. They aren't arguing for once, which surprises me until I realize that they probably had no-talking rules around the film sets that these two creatures used to lurk at and the STDs are nothing if not professional.

Over at the Brauhaus, there is wacky music courtesy of a scary looking accordian lady along with many happy people getting drunk like they have nothing better to do. Maybe I should move to Berlin and open a pub. The Mollywoods are the first to arrive, beating the Templates because the Templates chose to take a train, and with about three steins in each hand, the both of them start asking the patrons whether they have seen the coasters the Mollywoods are looking for. The Fre&Ks arrive next and Freddy and Kendra decide to split up, each checking out a different section of the Brauhaus. Freddy, the charming man, actually moves around and lifts people's steins up to check out the coasters underneath. He's lucky that nobody takes offense and smashes the stein down on his head. The Fre&Ks' strategy is worker better than the Mollywoods' "two voices are better than one when it comes to penetrating the drunken haze of these people" strategy as the Fre&Ks quickly secure two coasters shortly after they begin. Seeing this, the Mollywoods also quickly adopt the divide and conquer method.

The DMJs finally find their way out of the station but now they have a problem. For some reason - fatigue, I suspect - they miss out on nearly half the Clue and believe that the Clue is located in the church instead of at the statue across the street from the church. Which won't be so bad if the DMJs can locate the church in the first place. Which they can't. They muddle around, looking lost, as they walk around the place looking for the elusive red and yellow flag that marks the location of the clue stand. After a long time (two hours as the DMJs reveal in post-show interviews), Don spots the clue stand purely by chance and they stagger towards it. After reading the clue, they decide to do the bratwurst. As Don says, he always wanted to make sausages.

The STDs are done and Pornathan crows that they are first. They receive a clue that tells them to go to Teufelsberg five miles from Berlin. Philo steps out to explain that Teufelsberg translates to "Devil's Mountain". Philo doesn't say this but Teufelsberg is actually the rubble of the Wehrtechnische Institut, which was used as a warehouse for explosives and missiles in the World War 2 until the Allies fired a few missiles at it and sent it crashing down to the ground. Located near the lake called the Teufelssee (from which Devil's Mountain gets its name), the Devil's Mountain is never a natural mountain. An outpost for spies until the end of the Cold War, the Teufelsberg is currently a site of historic interest as well as a site increasingly populated by hotels, overpriced shops, and such.

As they leave, Tori tells him that he has picked up her bag by mistake. She bends to pick up his bag and then snarls that his bag is so much lighter than hers. "Are you kidding me?" she snaps as she passes his bag to him. Pornathan puts on a dark frown and snaps at her to hurry up. He sees the Superdumbos pull up in their cab while waiting for Tori to catch up and screams at her to hurry up. That's not nice, especially when he's making her carry the heavier bag. In the cab, he tells her that she gets lazy whenever he needs her to buck up. Wait, who is carrying the heavier bag again? She tells him to leave her alone and he tells that he never "promised" to leave her alone because he married her. You know, I hate to speculate about the state of these two's marriage, which must be filled with uxorial bliss in real life, I'm sure, but if they want to make me suspect that the only happy ending this couple can find is via a divorce, they are doing a good job in planting such suspicions in my head.

The Superdumbos, when confronted with the sausage press, are quite predictably unsure as to how to even begin. Captain Liberty thinks she knows how so she shrilly barks orders to the Tick. The Tick asks her why she's being such a bitch. They don't show me her response but I have a strong hunch that it is "You're an idiot!" I still like them though, mainly because the Tick is such a huggly-wuggly teddy bear that reminds me of every cute dumb fat dog I have the pleasure of knowing.

The Fre&Ks locate their fifth coaster and they get ready to leave. As they run for the bar where the lady there awaits to exchange the five coasters for their Clue, Freddy tells the Mollywoods that there are a section on the first floor that the Mollywoods haven't explored. Really, that's very nice of this Team, don't you think? The Mollywoods quickly stomp up the stairs to the area Freddy indicated and sure enough, they locate their fifth coaster there. Aaron puts down his steins before the happy drinkers and tells them, still with that accent, to "enjoy da beers". By the way, Freddy and Aaron can't resist chugging down as much beer as they can before their partners drag them out of the Barhaus in exasperation. Men, they are the same, heh. These Teams are also going to Devil's Mountain.

Alas, while the Fre&Ks' cab driver know where to go, the Mollywoods' cab driver doesn't know where Devil's Mountain is. Maybe she's new to the job. She asks the Mollywoods whether they have an exact address for her to take them to. They haven't. As the cab driver radios some buddies for directions, Aaron says dryly that they have to put their faith in God now, heh. Hayden, completely missing the point, says sharply that she hopes he's right. As she angrily fidgets around in her seat with the clue envelope, he rolls up his eyes and makes a "whatever" gesture at her. He's very good at playing a flaming queen sometimes. Hayden, unfortunately, misses Aaron's audition for a guest starring role in Will And Grace. Finally, the cab driver gets moving. I hope she knows where she is going.

Girl and Girth arrive at the Brauhaus and my, Fat Gus can't wait to examine the beer steins. Hera's brilliant idea is to ask the clientele in the pub whether they have seen her and her father's faces. Receiving no answer, she asks in exasperation, "Pictures? No? Black people? Anybody? No?" Heh.

As the Superdumbos are pumping out the meat, oh yeah, the Goth-Nots walk into the Zitadelle. Adam Ant asks the Tick, "Is it hard?" Why, does he want to touch it? The Superdumbos' finished sausage has one link that is too short so they have to get back to work. Adam Ant is watching them and smirks when he sees the Superdumbos forced to work on another bratwurst. Rebecca asks him to pay attention to what he is doing. As he happily watches the long, smooth bratwurst slide out of the hole, he purrs, "Oh, I'm paying attention." I bet he is. "This is hilarious," he adds. Oh, I bet it is.

The Templates finally arrive at the Brauhaus and naturally, Jon has to locate a coaster in, like, two seconds after they start looking around. Maybe if Gus spends more time looking for his Team's coaster rather than drinking from the steins around him, Girl and Girth will be faster. As it is, they find one coaster after the Templates find theirs. Hera, watching her father drink from a stein before putting the stein back down at a table, tells him that he's not supposed to drink from the stein. Hic!

At the Zitadelle, Adam Ant can't seem to tear his eyes away from the Tick's working at the sausage press. He makes a sound that is part excitement, part horror when the Tick grabs a pawful of ground meat and pushes it through the machine like an angry child punishing his Play-Doh clay. I wonder what is running through Adam's mind as he watches in avid fascination. I suspect that The Tick is also munching on bits of the ground meat although I don't dare to watch too closely to find out.

Back at the Brauhaus, the Templates are done - shocking - and they leave. Hera is trying very hard to stop Fat Gus from drinking everything in sight. At the very least, he is stealing sips from the steins he is carrying, which is why I will walk out of a pub if I ever see him being the waiter in the place. Even when they locate all five coasters they need to leave, Fat Gus insists on staying back to "check his things", which turns out to be an attempt to drain all the steins on the counter top before Hera finds out. Hera, exasperated, drags him out of the Brauhaus and Fat Gus is noticeably a little off-balance as he tries to keep up with Hera. In their cab, Fat Gus says that he'd like it better to stay a little longer in the Brauhaus. Hera says that she'd like it better if her father will listen to her. She is so insensitive, isn't she, Fat Gus? She obviously doesn't understand how wretched the wine bar is at those Pit Stops or how a man needs to drink until he's completely soused to his gills. Daughters today, hmmmph!

At the Zitadelle, Adam Ant wants a sausage press for his house. Wait, what will his mother think? Or maybe he wants to move in with the Tick after the show? The Superdumbos master the art of the seven inches and they leave, leaving a heartbroken Adam to wonder why his own sausages aren't coming up to measure. He says that he is surprised that Pornathan isn't here because "he's the biggest wiener of them all". Rebecca has no time for her nancy boyfriend. She watches as the last link of the bratwurst ooze out from the sausage press. "The last one's lengthy and girthy!" she cooes. Let me look. Oh my. The bratwurst supervisor agrees and the Goth-Nots leave. While the Superdumbos walk to take a train to Devil's Mountain, the Goth-Nots take a cab there. I don't know what the Superdumbos are thinking, really.

The DMJs finally reach the Zitadelle. As they study the sausage press, Mary Jean exclaims to the camera, "We're going 'seven inches, seven inches,' and I go, 'My God, seven inches is really big!'" Don, beside her, flashes a really appealing grin that is at least seventy years younger than he is. I'm sure their children are going "Eeeuw, Mom and Dad!" like children always do when their parents act like dirty-minded youngsters, but I think they are too cute for words. They quickly produce a "really big" bratwurst and go on their way in their cab. Mary Jean hopes that some Team will get lost and give the DMJs a chance to keep up with everyone.

Speaking of Teams getting lost, the Superdumbos are on a train, which is fine, until they are told that they are on the wrong train, which isn't fine. They try to get out at the next stop but the door won't open and the train moves on with the Superdumbos still on it. Captain Liberty moans that they are doomed and she gives up. Oh, horrors, what will Vince McMahon have to say about such disgraceful attitude? Still, all is not lost as a nice gentleman tells them which train to take and how to get to Devil's Mountain from the correct stop. Captain Liberty wonders aloud why they didn't take a cab to Devil's Mountain in the first place. The Tick reminds her that they can't afford to, that's why. I wonder what they do with their money. Bought any, er, pharmaceuticals lately, fellows? The Tick points out that they may have a chance because they haven't reached the Roadblock yet, which is his way of saying that the leg is not over yet and anything can happen in the meantime.

Who says "Roadblock"? Well, here are the STDs at the Devil's Mountain, ready to do the Roadblock. Pornathan as usual is ordering Tori about like an absolute ass. That is after he has smashed the trunk onto her fingers and doesn't apologize when she shrieks in pain, by the way. At this point I'm so exhausted, emotionally, by the negative feelings I experience whenever these two are on the TV screen that I have no more words to express how loathsome I find Pornathan, except that I hope that I don't have to see him again on TV anytime soon after the STDs' elimination. Please let that elimination be soon.

Philo explains that for this Roadblock, one Team member will have to get into a gravity-powered race car thingie shaped like a box at the top of the mountain and drive it down the mountain to the finish line in under 37 seconds. Philo insists that 37 seconds is the "competitive time on the German Soapbox Derby Circuit". What, the time of the person that came in last? Pornathan wants to do the Roadblock because this one won't get him dirty or sweaty (he leaves those to Tori) and as he climbs into the box car, he says in a voiceover, "When I was a kid, I raced go-carts and raced cars, and I own a Ferrari!" Oh, please. Can someone break into his house, steal his Ferrari, and crash it through the glass doors of his sauna for me? He gets the Roadblock done in 35 seconds and he acts as if he's just come in first in Formula One and Michael Schumacher should kiss his ass.

Philo says as the STDs receive their clue that Teams must now take one of the Mercedes cars in the parking lot nearby (buy a Mercedes today!) and drive themselves back to Berlin. There, they must locate the Brandenburg Gate, which is the Pit Stop for this leg of the Race. The Gate, Philo says, is the "symbol of German reunification after the Cold War". Don't let that fool you into thinking that they built the landmark recently, though. The Brandenburg Gate was erected in 1791 to symbolize peace but somehow became part of the Berlin Wall during the Cold War. I know, those East Germans are crazy.

As the STDs ask around the carpark for directions, they spot the Fre&Ks arriving. Pornathan, as usual, flies into panic and orders Tori to hurry up now and get into the car. When she gets into the car, he berates her for not being fast enough, saying that just once he wishes that they can do "this". What is this "this", anyway? Hopefully it's a knuckle sandwich to his jaw.

Freddy goes into the box car and goes down in 35 seconds. Um, yeah, I am now convinced that 37 seconds is the "competitive time". Who takes part in the German Soapbox Derby Circuit anyway? Octogenarians? Kendra is thrilled to see the Mercedes, which she describes as a "big step up" from I presume the cabs she has to put her behind in. They decide to hire a cab to lead the way to the Pit Stop.

The Mollywoods arrive next and Hayden takes the box car. I'm amazed that she doesn't pop up from the low-cut blouse she is barely wearing but she nonetheless manages to clock a time of 34.36 seconds. Any similarity to her measurements is strictly coincidental.

Fat Gus of course allows Hera to do the Roadblock. He is a generous man that way, wanting his darling daughter to experience life to the fullest. Hera and Jon race side by side, prompting Fat Gus to say, "Coming down the mountain is a screamin' demon versus a little girl from California!" Hera should check his bag to see whether he has sneaked some "souvenirs" from the Brauhaus. Both Jon and Hera chalk a time of 35 seconds. I'm starting to suspect that the timer stops at 35. The Templates manage to run to the carpark first (I wonder why) and are negotiating a cab to lead them to the Pit Stop when the Girl and Girth catch up and Fat Gus offers to pay half the fare if they get to follow too. The Templates are all for it. In their cab, Kris tells Jon that he has done a "good job, babe". Their babies will bring about the destruction of the world, I'm sure of that.

The Superdumbos are at the foot of Devil's Mountain and now it's a long walk up to the Roadblock site. Captain Liberty whines that they should have taken a cab. It's a painful long walk up.

Rebecca wants to do the box car. Adam, looking as if he is actually imagining Rebecca and the car exploding in a huge burst of fire, says dryly, "Good luck and don't kill yourself!" And then he tunes out Rebecca's happy shriekings and imagine himself safe and protected in the Tick's embrace. Who needs Mommy? He has a new Daddy now. Um... what? Rebecca tells him that she is done and he gallantly offers to drive them to the Pit Stop so that she won't suspect a thing about him and the Tick. Rebecca's time, by the way, is 34.79 seconds. The German Soapbox Derby Circuit is now officially for amateurs only.

In their cab, Mary Jean is singing, "Happy! Happy! Happy! Happy! Happy, we're in Berlin!" Let me guess, they got confused and did a second Detour at the Brauhaus. Don says that the Race isn't over until Philo tells them that they are eliminated. That is so profound, I have to listen to him repeat that twice for the meaning to sink in. Just ahead, Captain Liberty is telling the Tick why he is an idiot. Apparently it's because they didn't take a cab up to Devil's Mountain. The Tick starts dreaming of a more peaceful life with his good buddy Adam Ant, although he has to admit that sometimes Adam's way of looking at him so intensely makes him feel funny inside.

Pornathan doesn't know where to go and Tori isn't giving him an answer fast enough. As she struggles with her things, she says that she cannot find the map. He says that if they are beaten by another Team, he will lose it. So lose it, she tells him. At that point, he becomes deranged, slams his fist to the wheel, and screams that he will lose it on her. Somehow he thinks that she will do a better job at driving so he makes them switch places. She can't reach the pedals with her feet, which makes him scream at her some more. Tori is fast approaching panic territory as she starts screaming back, asking him why he can't just help her for once instead of just blaming her for everything.

In the midst of their quarrel, the Fre&Ks drive by. As Freddy pays and thanks the cab driver, the STDs catch up and start to run past them. Freddy and Kendra know that they can outrun the STDs and Kendra, whatever her flaws are, is someone who pulls her weight when it comes to doing her part. She runs, Freddy runs. Pornathan, by the way, is having problems with his bag. A bag which, by the way, is lighter than Tori's. He tries to dump it at a local but Tori, who is having no problems with her bag, screams that the local will take the bag and run. That's a nice way of endearing herself to the folks of Berlin. She takes Pornathan's bag, carries it along with her own bag, and... oh God. I don't know how to describe the next scene without wanting to fly down to America and punch Pornathan in the face so hard, plastic surgeons will take one look at him and recommend euthanasia to him.

Tori cannot run fast with both bags on her back. Pornathan runs straight to the Finish Mat, but without Tori, he cannot check his Team in as first. As the Fre&Ks step in and Philo declares them the first Team (with a free trip to "exotic Mexico" thrown in), Pornathan begins pacing towards Tori. By this point, Tori is not just terrified, that woman is weeping hysterically. This is not the act of an exhausted or frustrated person, this is an openly terrified woman, as if she knows from past experience that she will pay heavily for not pleasing her husband. Pornathan screams at her, yelling at her why she has to take his bag, and then proceeds to shove her backpack until she nearly falls onto her side on the road. When they reach the mat, Pornathan is still berating Tori while she weeps brokenly. Finally she just walks off, still crying. Philo, not even masking his disgust when Pornathan shakes his hand after he has pronounced the STDs team number two, asks the asshole whether he would like to talk to Tori. Pornathan says that there are some choices she has made that she has to live with. That's an easy one so I am not even going to try.

And all this over... what? A leg of the Race? What does being first mean anyway? Nothing at all because I guarantee that Teams will get bunched up ten seconds after they leave the next starting line. What really destroys my sympathy for Tori though is how she willingly becomes an accomplice in Pornathan's quest for fame-hoing. Their photos where she wears a T-shirt bearing "Free Victoria" while his has "Dictator" seem to mock the whole horrifying tableau of their dysfunctional marriage that is unraveling on the show. I don't know which is more sickening, this couple or the fact that the couple happily use spousal abuse as an angle to their quest for fame.

Back to the other Teams, the Superdumbos finally reach the Roadblock site and Captain Liberty does a good impersonation of Linda Blair in The Exorcist as she races down the mountain. The Tick cheers her on. He's such a sweetie. Mary Jean gets into the car box for the DMJs and manages to pass the finish line before crashing into some stacks of hay. That knockback looks painful.

In quick succession, the Mollywoods check in at the Pit Stop (team number three), followed by the Templates (team number four), Girl and Girth (team number five), and the Goth-Nots (team number six).

It's down to the Superdumbos versus the DMJs now. The Tick stops the Mercedes to ask for directions. Mary Jean asks Don to drive faster because she loves it when he drives like a madman. Ooh, sexy! And then one Team reaches the car park. They run to the mat. Which Team is it? Philo smiles at the Superdumbos and tells them that they are team number seven. Captain Liberty cracks that she is surprised that they made it to seventh place because they walked "ten miles" to the Roadblock site.

And finally, the DMJs step in for the mercy elimination. I like this couple but they are just too slow. They have been completely separated from the pack early on despite several bunches being in place to save them and they never recover from that. So, when they are eliminated, it seems fair. Don thanks Philo for having them - heh, what is this, a dinner or something? - and the DMJs tell the camera how much they love each other (and their experiences on the Race, of course) before saying goodbye and taking their leave. Sigh, I still feel a little sadness at seeing them leave even if I have been expecting them to do so in the last few episodes.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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