THE AMAZING RACE

Season 6 Episode 4: What If It Isn't Sanitary?

I still cannot believe that the Mormodels were eliminated last week after a futile eight hours of Lena unrolling bales of hay. The whole thing felt like a joke and when Philo stepped in to eliminate them late in the night, I half expected him to say that they are on Candid Camera, ha ha. Alas, it hits when the show rolls that the Mormodels are truly gone from the Race. Sigh.

Credits. I squint hard to see where they put those batteries into Kris and Jon but I can't see it. I bet they must have covered those areas well with paint. But be rest assured I will try even harder because I swear, these two are robots.

Woosh! When the show opens, Philo "I'm Like A Stamp - Totally Mountworthy!" Koughie steps out to remind everyone that the Racers are currently waiting to be released from the Pit Stop in Stockholm, Sweden. The Pit Stop of the previous leg of the Race is the af Chapman, a historic vessel anchored near a bronze hand pointing at the vessel with an intimidating finger. Ha, ha, those amusing Swedes! No wonder Roxette's lyrics are so silly. Only a Swede will rhyme "balloon" with "babboon"! Anyway, Philo wonders whether the first Team (the Mollywoods) will be first while the last Team (the DMJs) will be last. In case he hasn't noticed, the last Team of the previous leg has always been eliminated in the next leg in the last few episodes. If he has paid more attention to the Race instead of stuffing his crotch, he won't have to ask those silly questions more often. He should be asking instead, "How many artificial bunchings can we put into a single episode before you fling a slipper to the TV?"

2:04 am. The Mollywoods are off and over the usual forgettable babble about their relationship and what-not, they run off the af Chapman. Philo explains that Teams must now head to the Town Hall Tower and climb the stairs to the top, where the next Clue awaits. The Mary and Marty Sue pair, the Templates, leave at 2:05 am. The two Teams meet on the street and decide to go to the Tower together. Safety in numbers is the best bet against dangerous ABBA impersonators lurking around Stockholm in the ungodly hour, after all. They find the Tower without much problem only to discover that it is closed.

I don't blame Bonghammer. I'm sure his hands are tied and there is no way they can persuade the town council to let the Teams get inside until later in the morning. There has to be a good reason why the Race is determined to have every Team start on equal footing at the start of every leg and then maybe in the middle of the leg too. If we Giggles are racing this Season, we'd switch off our alarm clocks and wake up at 7:00 am, refreshed and ready to roll, because really, who cares? Being first means earning the privilege to camp outside an unnecessarily closed establishment and watching as other Teams come in one by one to catch up.

Anyway, the two Teams ask a passing stranger about the time the Tower opens. Apparently, it opens at ten. The Teams decide that there is no point camping outside the Tower - I guess they (especially Hayden) may be mistaken for drag queen Roxette wannabes and be hauled off into a jail cell filled with ABBA impersonators - so they decide to head off to the nearby Stockholm Sheraton to get some R&R. They plan to come back to the Tower at 9:30 am to plant themselves by the gate. The Templates are naturally sunny, giggly, and chirpy about this. I don't think they are programmed to exhibit any other emotion.

3:06 am. Girl and Girth are on the loose. As they leave, Fat Gus expounds on the Team's brilliant modus operandi: whoever leads will lead while the other person obey. I wonder how they decide on who will be doing the leading. A donut chomping tournament?

3:10 am. We're in Stockholm so it won't do to miss the joyous start of a new day for Ms Stockholm Syndrome and her husband Pornathan. He tells the camera that their problems are with each other, not with the Race. Well, the Race has problems with them because right now, I am watching the Race and I can say this: the Race sucks gigantic nuts when they are on it. Tori, looking really like a cry for help, says that the STDs sometimes like each other and sometimes (sometimes?) want to kill each other and their mood apparently swings back and forth between the two extremes. I haven't seen any swinging of the moods though so far, unless she is talking about "like" as in "they like each other dead". Or am I confusing their moods with my mood? Anyway, they leave the af Chapman and catch up with Fat Gus and Hera. They locate the Tower as a group and learn from the helpful locals that the Tower opens at ten in the morning. They decide to crash in at the Sheraton too.

5:37 am. The Goth-Nots leave. As they leave, Rebecca tells the camera that Adam Ant is a baby. Do I know that his mother clipped his toenails for him when Rebecca first met him? Does that mean that Rebecca now clips Adam's toenails? And why on earth does she think that I want to know all this? She says that she told him that if he wanted to be his boyfriend, he would have to cut his own toenails. Okay, so at least he is doing that by himself now. Who is shaving Adam Ant's armpits? Adam, if he hasn't been humiliated enough on TV, admits that he is "definitely a baby" and he still lives with his "Mommy and Daddy". I'm sure he is pleased with his living arrangements but I wonder how his parents feel about that. I hope they haven't thrown a party right before changing the locks of the house the moment he leaves home to be on the Race. To emphasize his being a big baby, the show cuts to Adam trying to make a joke about the bronzed hand pointing towards where he thinks they should go. Call me weird but I still find him quite amusing. I don't want to be his girlfriend though. I draw a line at that toe-nail thing and the whole whiny cry-baby temperament. Rebecca can have him. I'll just be happy watching him on TV. They locate the Tower and, unlike the previous Teams, actually spot the sign by the gates that inform them that the Tower opens at seven. They look at the time. It's now 6:05 am. They plant themselves in front of the gate and wait.

6:09 am. The Fre&Ks get to leave. Kendra voices over that she likes the finer things in life, like "champagne and flowers", while Freddy likes it "down and dirty", like "beer and dirt". She forgets to mention that there are quite a number of other things that she doesn't like, but I'll soon find out about these things. They meet the Goth-Nots at the gate of the Tower and they all wonder where the leader Teams have gone to. By the way, Adam Ant has pulled the hood of his sweater thingie over his head in a way so that that his "horns" are sticking out. I think I can assume that he is reading those Hellboy comics when his podiatrist Mommy is cutting his toenails, tying his shoelaces, or exfoliating the skin of his foot.

Over at the Sheraton, Girl and Girth are getting ready to make their way to the Tower. The other three Teams are only slowly awakening from their naptime. But I am sure they are in no hurry. They have a 9:30 am appointment and it's still a long time more.

Rebecca is curious about what happened the the leading Teams when the Tower opens at 7:00 am and her Team and the Fre&Ks run up the stairs. "Anything can happen," she says with a shrug, probably imagining the early Teams falling prey to uniquely Swedish pitfalls like getting kidnapped by a bunch of middle-aged drag queens all named Agnetha. Both Teams reach the top of the Tower and are excited when the Clue tells them to go on down to Dakar, the capital city of Senegal. They cannot wait to experience what Senegal has to offer them, I'm sure. The Goth-Nots grab a cab to the airport and the Fre&Ks follow suit. Kendra, however, learns that it is faster to take a train and throws a hissyfit, saying that Freddy won't allow them to stay in a hotel (do they even have time to stop by the Sheraton earlier today?) but he could waste money on a stupid cab ride, eee-eee-eee how dare he expects her to sleep on some dirty floor while they wait for the gate to open waa-waa-waa. Freddy tries to explain that it's simpler to get a cab to the airport but realizing that he isn't going anywhere fast with that argument, he proceeds to tune her out and look out the window. Her voice becoming more shrill, she tells him that he must "think" before he makes decision. Yeah, Freddy, think of her comfort! That insensitive brute doesn't expect wee Kendra to rough it up on this show, I hope! In the other cab, the Goth-Nots are showing the camera their best impersonation of the Superdumbos. Apparently if they clench their teeth to make their necks disappear, they will look just like the Tick and Captain Liberty. I'm sure right after the screening of this episode, they will be moving to another state just in case the Superdumbos decide to drop by and show them a few improvisations in their impersonation.

7:52 am. The Superdumbos finally leave. The Tick says to the camera that the Race has brought them closer together because they aren't arguing any more about "I'm better than you are, you're better than me are" (sic) matters. Awesome. He is so happy, he makes happy sounds of contentment, or at least, the sounds warthogs or bulldogs make when they are happy. Awesome. The Tick should get his own talk show.

At 7:53 am, the DMJs leave. Don says that they were "bloodied" in "Round Three" but they aren't out for the count yet. He says that they will go out fighting. Mary Jean urges the cab driver to hurry. Isn't that the theme song for this Team - Hurry? Sigh.

Around this time, Fat Gus and Hera reach the Tower and realize with some shock that it is open. Hera exclaims that they should have been here an hour ago as they climb up the stairs as fast as they can. Somewhere behind, the STDs are, for some reason, waiting for the Tower to "open" while standing a distance away from the Tower. Tori is spying on the Tower through a pair of binoculars - don't ask me why she is doing that or what she is looking for - and notes that there are people at the top of the Tower. I'm sure a smarter woman would be able to make out Fat Gus on the tower but a smarter woman wouldn't be married to Pornathan. Pornathan naturally doesn't believe her. As they argue, Girl and Girth get a cab to the airport.

At the airport, both the Goth-Nots and the Fre&Ks grab the seats on Air France that will leave at 11:20 am. Adam Ant is really curious about the fate of the early four Teams. The camera cuts to the Templates who seem to be taking a leisurely morning stroll on the streets around the Sheraton while the Mollywoods are only now leaving the hotel. Meanwhile, Tori has her rare chance to say "I told you so!" when the STDs finally walk up to the Tower and realize that, wow, it is opened at seven instead of ten. In their cab, Pornathan smacks the driver's arm and ask him to hurry. The driver says that he cannot do so because they have stopped before a red traffic light. Pornathan shuts up, disgruntled nonetheless. I know, I'm just as shocked when he, you know, shuts up.

The Superdumbos make their way up the Tower after the STDs are gone. The DMJs follow. Don wheezes, "We've been practicing stairs, thank God!" when he and Mary Jean are in their cab to their airport. He can co-host that talk show with the Tick. Won't it be a hoot? Mary Jean and Captain Liberty can be field correspondents. I'm sure the two women will have no problems getting straight answers even from Condolezza Rice, especially when Captain Liberty has her neck in a chokehold while Mary Jean calmly berates her for not cutting straight to the chase.

The Mollywoods believe that they have time to spare but they wisely decides to go "early" to take their spot before the gate. When Hayden spots from a distance some people going in and coming out of the Tower, that is how they learn that the Tower has been opened since seven. Hayden says that they have been stupid and Aaron agrees, saying that they should have been waiting here all along. Dang, it's hard for me not to agree when they are being so reasonable about their own mistakes. They decide to take a train to the airport, although I'm not sure whether this is a lucky accident on their part or they know all along that taking a train is faster. As they leave in a hurry from the Tower, the Templates spot them and realize that the Tower is already opened. Kris says in only a little less chirpy than usual manner that they have been stupid. I shudder. From the way they talk (straight out of some greeting card) to the way they behave (unnaturally perky all the way), the Templates give me the creeps. Both Teams take the train to the airport. At the airport, Girl and Girth, the Superdumbos, and the DMJs get tickets to the same flight as the Fre&Ks and the Goth-Nots. Back in the train, the trailing two Teams beat themselves up over their foolishness.

The STDs arrive at the airport but Pornathan deliberately buys tickets to a different flight that allows them to take off ten minutes earlier than the Air France flight the other Teams in the airport are taking, although it doesn't matter in the end because the STDs will have to switch at the next transit stop to the same connection flight as those other Teams. Pornathan, however, thinks that this is a brilliant move on his part because it will spook the other Teams. He's assuming that the other Teams actually care to keep track on the STDs instead of high-fiving each other when they realize that the STDs are missing. Anyway, so the Teams board their flights and va-voom, we all go from Stockholm to Paris to hello, Dakar, Senegal!

Zipping past the usual scenery of a beach, a town, and some women doing their thing (how come there are never any men doing their thing on this type of montage?), and day quicks turns to night when the Teams arrive at the airport. They locate their clue outside the airport and realize that they have in their hands a poem called La Femme Noir. Teams must locate the gravesite of the author of this poem. Philo comes out to explain that the author of the poem is the former President, Leopold Sedar Senghor. Senghor has quite a way with words, really, if the English translated version of that poem is anything like the original French version, because some of the turn of phrases in La Femme Noir are very erotic.

But the Teams don't care about poetry, they just want to go to where the dead coot is buried ASAP. Fat Gus and Hera try to get a cab but the man in charge of the local cab driver pools, I suppose, brush them aside and abrasively tell them to find another cab. There is no explanation on this behavior by the guy, but I won't be surprised if some local guys have staked out on the area and you can only get cabs through "approved persons". Hera however finally gets a cab for her Team. The Templates have not much problem getting a cab but they don't know where they are going to. They hope the driver knows, heh. The DMJs find someone who can tell them that the author is Senghor. Meanwhile, the Superdumbos and the Goth-Nots - still together, how romantic - are told that they must head over to the Bel Aire Cemetery. Shut up, Will Smith. I just have to say that. Pornathan is as usual acting like a screaming Minnie, loudly asking for someone who can speak English. For some reason, he punctuates his request - delivered in English, of course - with a throat-slitting gesture. Is he trying to tell the Senegalese that Americans are murderous bastards? The men he is talking to actually stare blankly at him until someone mutters, "Bel Aire". I suspect that these men do know how to speak English and they don't want to entertain this idiot until he shows that he just won't go away until they say something. The STDs get a cab and Tori practices one of the two things French she knows in life when she tells the driver to vite.

Meanwhile, Rebecca is very skeptical when her driver insists that he knows where he is going. Adam, on the other, is sulking as he looks around him and tells the camera that "so far", Africa "sucks" and Dakar is "the worst, most nightmarish place" he's ever been in his "whole life". While I do understand how nervous and even scary it can be when one is faced with a chaotic situation in a foreign land, I strongly suspect that it is an exaggeration to say that a confusing cab scramble is the worst thing he has ever encountered. Adam has obviously never been caught in the middle of police raid on a ladyboy cabaret club in a seedier side of Bangkok. Not that I know anything about that, of course. The Superdumbos, on the other hand, are more sanguine about their choice of cab drivers because, as the Tick says, they don't have time to drive all around Africa - and I hope not, as Africa is a very big continent and I don't have all day to see them do that - so their driver has better know where he is going. At least they trust their driver more than Rebecca trusts hers and that counts for something. Right?

The Fre&Ks can't find anybody to tell them the poet's name or the actual location of the gravesite other than it is "downtown". They finally decide to just get into the cab of a driver who seems to know where he should be going. Kendra calls the cab a "jalopy". Freddy calls Dakar a "mayhem" and thinks that it is an "unsafe" place, what with the airport (what happened at the airport - is there a stripsearch that I should know about?) and the people. Meanwhile, the Mollywoods find a cab and Hayden goes "Gross!" when they took in the grime of the backseat. I'm all for calling a dirty cab a dirty cab so I don't find her attitude as offensive as some people out there do. In their cab, Don and Mary Jean learn quickly that people in some places don't get as physically demonstrative as the Americans tend to do when the driver tells Mary Jean (who leans forward to tap his shoulder as she tells him to drive quickly) to take her hand off him.

The Templates in their cab say that they don't know where they are going and hope that the driver does. They have said this before and the fact that they see fit to repeat themselves again and again leads me to believe that this Team has very little of interest to say to the TV. They must be waiting for the alien mothership to transmit some one-liners into their receptions. The Fre&Ks are not happy when their cab driver stops at the gas station. Tori is still telling the STDs' driver to "vite" but Pornathan thinks that "beep, beep" drives home their urgency better. She tells him that "beep, beep" is not "the" word. Hmm, profound, that. Over at the DMJs' cab, they encounter a flat tire. Freddy spots them as the Fre&K cab passes them and he says, "Oh no!" in that sleepy bedroom manner that makes me forget whether he's being sarcastic or concerned. Maybe he should say it to me a few more times so that I can make sure. Mary Jean waves for the cab to stop but of course the Fre&Ks just pass them by. She and Don sigh when they realize that the cab driver has no jack to help him change the tire. Don cracks that they need the Tick to help them out. Well, the Tick and Captain Liberty are far ahead on their way to the cemetary so there's no help from that department. In the end Don and driver lift the cab up a little so that Mary Jean can change the tire. That is so cool. And then they are on their way again. Don tells the camera, rather dramatically, "Once again, the fickle finger of fate has diddled us!" Mary Jean laughs and so do I. There's something so adorable about a man like Don using the word "diddle".

The Templates reach a cemetery but apparently it isn't the right cemetery. Jon tells Kris so, calling her "babe". Once more I give an involuntary shudder at how this Team can come off as so dreadfully corny in just a few seconds of screentime. Hera isn't happy in her cab, convinced that her driver is taking her and her father off down the depths of the earth for all she knows. Tori can't be happy as Pornathan is haranguing her for who-knows-what. Kendra is not happy as well as she complains about the smell of the cab and compares the stench to that of sewage. Oh, so many unhappy women in Senegal today. My heart is breaking for all of them.

In their cab, Jon, smiling, tells Kris that the cemetery mix-up was "crazy". She nods happily. "I really love it though! We're so removed from our culture! And it's enlightening, I think!" she chirps. I don't know what to say. Good for them for being so enlightened. I'll cheer them on if I can shake off the creepy vibe they put in me.

Well, well, the STDs pull up first at the cemetery. They realize soon however that the cemetery isn't opened until 7:30 am the next morning. Bonghammer is very considerate that way - every Team must start off each day at the same footing because it isn't democratic if a Team actually moves ahead of other Teams. After all, the Race isn't about the selfish action of beating your fellow human beings to gain something for your own use, no, it's about the human race, where we must all understand that we are all the same inside and we should all share and share alike in good and bad times. So it will be boorish of me to call the designers of the Race ten ways of dumb for introducing this truly unnecessary artificial bunching in this leg of the Race. I am, after all, all about the Human Race.

Teams start coming in. There is some argument between Freddy and the driver because the driver wants ten dollars and Freddy wants to pay only five. Colin from the fifth season, I see, has inspired men everywhere to find their balls and stand up against the tyranny of cheating, lying cab drivers of the world. Kendra however just wants the whole thing to be done with because she feels so unsafe being out here in what she calls "ghetto Africa". It's amazing how she can so succintly describe her surroundings with that simple word, "ghetto". The show is indeed about the Human Race. Can I have an amen, brothers and sisters? To placate Kendra, Freddy pays the driver seven dollars and the driver has to settle for that. Fat Gus and Hera arrive next and all three Teams decide to relocate to a nearby hotel for the rest of the night. Yes, this time they definitely know what the time the cemetery will be opened to visitors.

The Templates finally stop to ask for directions. In a rather creepy moment, the cab driver leans over them and peeks over their shoulders. I'm sure he's listening to the person giving directions instead of trying to peer down Kris' blouse. Anyway, they believe that they know where to go now so it's off they go. Kris says that they must be last. They reach the cemetery just shortly after the DMJs and are relieved to realize that Bonghammer, in his newfound concern for the Human Race, has introduced yet another bunching to save the models and young ones from the mistakes they have made on the show. Kris says that it has been a humbling day as she grins to Jon. I'm really impressed at how these two always manage to come off like truly one-dimensional greeting cards that come only in two colors, grey and white.

When 7:30 am arrives, the Teams rush through the gates, although they don't run as much as they walk speedily in their respect to the dead, barring a few careless stomps here and there on gravesites. The STDs find a pimp daddy called Ejal and Pornathan tells him that between his America and Ejal's Africa, they can be a superpower. Ejal, for some reason, agrees to be the STDs' tour guide for the rest of the leg. Some naughty people speculate that Pornathan must be offering Ejal a sampling of Tori's fabulous talents in her "enterpreneuring" trades (and a free anal if he gets them in at first place!) but I'm sure Pornathan will never stoop so low as a human being. Meanwhile, Kendra is quite apprehensive about stepping over a grave and she finally does so with lots of "Eeeuw!" and "Oooh!" Freddy chuckles at her. It's nice that he is babysitting this woman like the daughter he always wanted but I don't understand why he must go get himself engaged to her. Men, I tell you.

Th Superdumbos stumble upon Senghor's grave by accident and Captain Liberty quickly shushes the Tick as they pull a clue from the rattan basket beside the grave and quickly leave the area. Philo comes out to explain that Teams must now proceed to the nearby village Kayar to locate a carpenter's shop for their next Clue. Girl and Girth and the DMJs also stumble upon the grave by luck and they also quickly leave so as to not show the other Teams where the grave is. Ejal shows the STDs where the grave is and in their cab where Tori has to sit on Pornathan's lap to make room for Ejal, Pornathan asks Ejal to tell the driver to drive faster to Kayar. Ejal tells the driver, "These dumb Americans are paying me good old American dollars and free BJs from that trampy wife. Am I smart or what? Stupid loud American tourists - they are so good for the local economy. Oh, and just drive." I made the last one up, by the way. I hope.

The Goth-Nots also locate the grave and Rebecca just has to squeal in joy loud enough to alert the Templates, the Fre&Ks, and the Mollywoods to the location of the grave. Those models, ugh, I'm never going to be rid of them. As the Teams get into their cabs, the Fre&Ks and their driver agree to a fare of $30. The fare comes into play because what happens next is some drama involving fares. Or more specifically, some cab drivers start demanding more money than the initial sum they agreed on. There are some people who quickly assume that the Senegalese must be in the right because they are Poor African People while the Racers are White Americans but they should check their reverse racism at the door and rewatch the show. The Fre&Ks are in the right.

The Superdumbos quickly learn that their driver demands $60 instead of the $40 they agreed on earlier. Captain Liberty refuses to pay up that amount, saying that she doesn't have $60 to give. The Tick, noticing a crowd forming around them, tells her to just pay the driver and be done with it. She won't and he can just shut up because he's an idiot. She rudely shoves $40 into the driver's grubby paws and stomps off. The Tick runs to catch up with her, telling her that she is making an ass out of herself and her recent confrontation with the driver is "that kind of attitude" he is talking about in what I assume is some long-standing argument between them. Come on, she is standing up for them against dishonest cab drivers so I don't understand why he is so annoyed with her. Fat Gus and Hera pay $40 to their driver without much fanfare. $40 seems to be the standard fare to Kayar. On a more pleasant note, the DMJs note in their cab that while they have encountered plenty of poverty in Senegal, they also appreciate the vibrant colors in the local fashion and smiley kiddies. That's the attitude! Bringing up smiling kiddies is the best way to soften any "I am not a horrible person if I honestly point out that poverty really sucks and I am glad I live in a city" viewpoints from the Racers on this show.

The STDs are the first to reach the clue stand and it's now time for a Detour. Philo explains that in "Stack 'Em Up", Teams must take baskets of small fish and stack them up nicely on a large table to the satisfaction of the supervisor lady. This task can be time-consuming. In "Pull 'Em Up", Teams must head out to sea and catch four fish in what Philo calls a "fertile fishing ground". This task seems easy but speaking as someone who has watched her husband spend three hours with only a small fish to show for it, I'd go for stacking 'em up over pulling 'em up anytime. Ejal agrees with me and tells Pornathan to go stack 'em up. In other news, Girl and Girth want to fish (between the both of them, they're stacked as it is already), the DMJs follow suit, and the Superdumbos decide to look at both options before taking the plunge.

Meanwhile, on the way to the stacking tables, Pornathan decides to indulge in some quality camera-ho time. So he hands out four pieces of candy to about ten or eleven children by the wharf, all the way saying that he loves children and he has the names planned out already (Damien?) Tori says wearily that Pornathan will make a great father. May God have mercy on those unborn children. In a really telling moment, Pornathan thinks that the camera has stopped being on him and quickly stands straight and walks past the children without any further look at those kiddies. I guess those four pieces of candy must be very big ones for those kiddies to share between them. The STDs locate the table and Pornathan, looking at the heavy basket of dried fish, says aloud that they must arrange those fish "bag side up, tail out".

The Goth-Nots and the Templates arrive and decide to stack. The Superdumbos take one look at the waves rolling over the sea and wisely run off to stack. The Fre&Ks decide to stack too but their cab driver, realizing perhaps that $40 is the standard fare, begins pestering them for that amount instead of the $30 fare initially agreed. The Fre&Ks are in the right but Freddy probably shouldn't have said that the driver has made enough in one day and he doesn't need more. And Kendra really shouldn't have said that the driver has already earned more today than in the entire year because there's no way she could have known that, right? But in this case the driver deserves what he gets for trying to rip people off so what the heck, really. He doesn't get what he wants though and ends up scowling and grumbling and arguing with the Fre&Ks until a local guy comes up and drags the driver away. Freddy and Kendra console themselves over the "hellish" encounter they had. Cab drivers in America never try to rip their passengers off, after all.

The STDs can find any reason to argue and they are doing so when they realize that the Templates are catching up and Pornathan sees this as Tori's fault. On the other hand, Jon is telling Kris, "Good job, babe." See what I mean? These two are so annoyingly efficient and... and... boring! The Superdumbos are also arguing because the Tick thinks that Captain Liberty has her fish all in the wrong direction and she insists that they aren't and oh yes, he's an idiot. Rebecca says dryly that the smell is something to wake her up in the morning as she empties the bucket of fish onto her table. The Mollywoods make appopriate facial expressions as they too join in on the fishy party.

Out there in the increasingly rough waters, Hera is feeling nauseous and vows that she is never going fishing again. Don is also seasick and to prove it, he bends over the side of the boat and nicely gives a big "Bleeeeeeeeurghhhhh!" Fat Gus and Mary Jean have not much luck with the fish although Fat Gus catches one small fish eventually while Mary Jean hauls in two. She tells Don dryly that if he throws up some more maybe she'll catch more fish. He just as dryly promises her that he will.

Back at to the fishermen's friends, the STDs are the first to complete covering the entire table with fish and receive their next Clue from the supervisor lady. Pornathan must think he is some sort of Lothario to grab that woman for a smacker on the lips. Maybe he will be one if he looks like Freddy and behaves a complete one-eighty from the jackass imbecile that he is now. As for now, he's just ass. Philo explains that Teams must now travel to the Lac Rose, a lake well known for, among other things, changing colors from pink to mauve depending on the time of the day, being the location for finishing leg in the other amazing race the Paris-Dakar rally, and a natural source for salt. Of course, Philo doesn't mention any of this on the show - a pity if you ask me because one should at least mention why a certain landmark is noteworthy enough to be featured on the show. Pornathan, Tori, and their new friend Ejal pack into a cab where Pornathan again asks Ejal to tell the driver to go faster. What happened to "beep, beep"?

Kendra declares that the dried fish are disgusting. Then again, what isn't disgusting in this place to her? The Templates are the next to finish ("Mission... accomplished... report to... mothership... Plan B... set... in... motion...") much to Rebecca's consternation. Maybe the Goth-Nots will finish faster if she isn't so focused on watching the Templates. The Fre&Ks are also done, followed closely by the Mollywoods. This leaves only the Goth-Nots and the Superdumbos not to finish stacking up the fish on the table.

Don is really sick. Mary Jean is carrying on for the both of them and tells the camera that Don is, er, really sick but she isn't supposed to talk about it, snigger. Hera is well enough to help Fat Gus in fishing and she manages to catch their second fish. She still says she is feeling sick though.

The STDs approach the Lac Rose, where for mystifying reasons Pornathan announces that he can see "mounds and mounds and mounds". He's the kind of guy who will stare at an oncoming train heading straight at him and brags that he can see a train coming at him, as if I can't see that myself and cheer the train to pick up speed. They learn that it is now time to do a Roadblock. The clue asks for a person who would like to bathe in rose water. Tori says that Pornathan will do it. It must be a lucid moment for him because he doesn't offer a shrill, illogical counter-argument like he tends to do. Philo comes out to explain that, aside from a Team member being able to perform only a maximum of six Roadblocks, this time the Team member must carry a basket, wade into the lake, and scoop up salt from the bottom of the lake to fill a pail in the beach. Once the pail has been filled to overflowing, the Team will receive their next Clue. Tori yells some obvious instructions to Pornathan as he tries to... er, I don't know what he is doing. From the angle of the camera, he seems to be trying to rub his chest against the water, as if by doing so salt will magically rise to the surface of the lake or something. He's vile but I don't think anyone is repulsive enough to attract salt from the bottom of the lake using biological electrostatic forces. In the end he realizes that he must use the basket to scoop up the salt. There may be hope for him yet when it comes to using the toaster at home.

Back at the wharf, Captain Liberty covers the last bare surface of the table with finish. The Superdumbos get their Clue and take off. The Goth-Nots are done soon after. It's now down to two Teams still trying to catch some fish out there in the sea. See, I knew they should have chosen stack!

Mary Jean catches the third fish. However, Fat Gus ups that with one more fish for his Team. Because they are in Senegal, Fat Gus tells the fish, "Sil vous plait." The fish, I'm sure, is appropriately impressed.

The Templates seem to have lost their way because the Fre&Ks and the Mollywoods pull up at Lac Rose after the STDs. Hayden and Kendra decide to bathe in rose water, although Kendra is concerned that the lake isn't sanitary enough for her. Bonghammer should have chlorinated Lac Rose first, that thoughtless dingbat! Kendra worries to the camera that the lake is pinkish in color because of blood. Yes, I hear rumors of ritual sacrifices taking place in that lake. Who knows what those creepy dark-skinned people do, or more horrifyingly, what they would do to a pretty beautiful babe like Kendra? Kendra starts fretting, asking whether she can somehow perform the Roadblock without getting wet or dirty. Freddy, watching her, wonders why he allows her to do the Roadblock. He's not being concerned as much as he's being increasingly annoyed and impatient with her. Hayden is not keen on getting wet and dirty too, it seems, although at a lesser extent than Kendra, and Aaron tells her that she has to get wet if she wants to do the Roadblock. So Hayden goes into the water. Behind them, the Templates arrive, followed by the Superdumbos. Kris and Captain Liberty grab the baskets and get ready to scoop the salt. The Goth-Nots arrive soon after and Rebecca, deciding that this Roadblock must involve some "manual labor", tells Adam to do it.

It doesn't take long before Momma's Boy starts whining. "Why am I doing this?" he grumbles. Because of a million dollars? That will make Momma very happy, I'm sure. "What do I do with this?" he yells to Rebecca, gesturing with the basket. Rebecca, instead of telling him to eat that thing, tells him to "scoop it up", making hand gestures in case Adam Ant really decides to, you know, eat that thing. Pornathan hauls a basket full of salt and he is followed closely by Kris, whose bionic limbs endow her with superstrength and allow her to beat Hayden and Kendra in the race to scoop the salt. Jon grins lasciviously and tells the camera that Kris is hot and she looks even hotter doing that Roadblock. The camera zooms in on Kris' blue-bikini top covered breasts. I think that scene is supposed to drive home how hot Kris is but those breasts look like they aren't just cosmetically enhanced - they probably come with batteries. The Tick roars to Captain Liberty to carry the basket on her hand and yells in approval when she does just that. I'm sure guys and ladies with a thing for Amazonian dominatrix fantasies will approve of this scene. Kendra squeals that there is salt in her eyes and she can't see so she returns to the beach for Freddy to rinse her eyes with their drinking water. Adam Ant can't see too but that only makes him very angry at Rebecca, just like I expect a Momma's Boy to react in a situation like this. Oh, Rebecca, cut bait and run. His mother will be moving in with them. Isn't that enough to run the other way?

Pornathan is the first to finish the Roadblock and as the jerk performs the usual disgusting chest-thumping macho rubbish, Philo comes out to explain that Teams must now travel to the island Ile de Goree, the infamous former prison to hold slaves before they were transported to the supposedly more civilized New World now turned into a tourist attraction. Teams must take a ferry to the Ile de Goree and search the streets to locate the Pit Stop for this leg of the Race. Pornathan and Tori take off.

Rebecca tells Adam that he is a man but he is getting trashed by a bunch of women. Shouldn't he be stronger than that? Adam predictably reacts to such morale-boosting cheer by telling her to shut up. As she watches him struggle with a basket full of salt, she tells the camera that she should have done this instead of him. Oh, and the Templates are done. They as usual giggle and tell each other what good job the other has done (babe) and then they are off too.

Back at the wharf, Fat Gus finally catches the fourth fish and he quickly has the boatman steer them back to land. As they get into their cab, Fat Gus complains that they are last. Hera reminds him that the DMJs are still out there in the sea. Well, not much longer, as Mary Jean catches her fourth fish shortly after Girl and Girth left. "Andale!" she says, not aware that the fish in Senegal understand French better than Spanish. She tells the camera that every time Don pukes, she catches a fish. I really like this couple. The fact that I like them probably means that I've jinxed them. Sigh.

Captain Liberty brings in her last basket of salt and the Superdumbos are off. The Tick calls Captain Liberty "fricking ass-kicking" and this is a first for me, men measuring their worth by the competency of their wives instead of the length of their penises. Yeah, I find him an adorable dim-witted lughead so sue me. Hayden, ignored by the camera all this while, finally gets some air-time when she hauls in her last basket of salt. In their cab, she wonders dryly how Kris can beat her. Aaron cheerfully says that Kris kicked her butt. Of course, in the other cab, Jon is telling Kris how much she rocks bad. He even lengthens the "bad", as in ba-a-a-a-a-ad, and I have a vision of these two having a conversation which consists of nothing but them telling each other how the other person rocked. The Templates must be the first Team ever to combine boring with creepy. I don't even think boring can be creepy until I see Marty and Mary Sue here on my TV. And then, even Kendra is done.

Poor Adam Ant is taking a beating when it comes to his masculinity. Rebecca points out to the camera that Captain Liberty and Adam started at the same time so she doesn't understand how Adam could lose to that woman. Come on, says who that men must be stronger than women all the time? Has Rebecca noticed the muscles on Captain Liberty? Adam has really nicely-toned leg muscles (not that I am paying attention to his legs or anything, mind you) but I don't think he is a match for Captain Liberty, strength-wise. He loves his mother. Captain Liberty eats evil mothers-in-law for breakfast. Rebecca keeps shouting useless advice to Adam and he yells at her in response to shut up. He finally hauls a basket full of salt, happily convinced that he's done, only to learn that he needs to bring in some more salt. Oopsie.

The STDs are caught in traffic. The Templates naturally have to notice the traffic grind before they are caught in it and asks their driver to go another way if the driver knows any. And being that this is the Most Bloody Boring Perfect Team ever, the driver naturally knows a way. I'm so happy for them and their beauty and their nice teeth and their always getting out of trouble and their constant preppy happy kissy baby talk (babe) and their... I need to lie down. I'm stunned at how worthless I really am as a human being compared to these golden demigods.

Adam is finally done. He's spent. In their cab, he says that he now knows that he is "physically weak". Rebecca tells him that if he stops being a "wussy boy" people won't keep picking on him. Maybe he should marry his Mommy and she should hang out with a macho man. Have the both of them ever considered that? Ahead, Pornathan begins to loudly complain about the jam. I'm sure if he keeps at it, someone will start paying attention to him. The Templates are finding a way around the jam and Jon happily says that his driver is "the mack daddy driver; he's got the stogie hanging out, a little cell phone..."

Okay, I'm back from my short run to the open window and screaming in terror at the sight of a white guy mangling the mack-daddy language in a way that will give any self-respecting Def Jam rapper enough cause to shoot him on sight. Where was I?

Also in the traffic grind are the remaining Teams who have left Lac Rose. Nobody is happy to be stuck in traffic and they are all slowly melting into panic mode, although Freddy may be on to something when he assures Kendra that all will be fine if they make it to the same ferry as the majority of the other Teams.

At Lac Rose, Gus nearly shovels the salt from the mounts of salt around the lake until Hera has to scream her lungs out that he's supposed to use his basket to scoop the salt from the bottom of the lake. Who's regretting not taking Saltpepper Simon instead of Fat Gus with her now, huh?

Woo, guess which Team reaches the ferry terminal first. Yeah, the Most Bloody Boring Perfect Team Ever, the Templates, woo! I'm so thrilled, seriously. They get tickets and Jon tells Kris that it's now "go time". Enough already, damn it! Stop with this awkward, cheesy, mackdaddy-freaking stogie-choking hideous amalgamation of greeting card slogans, outdated beach dude speak, and babe! Stop, stop, stop! Speak like human beings, damn it, because I can't take it any more. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

But I'm so happy for them, I really am.

The STDs reach the ferry terminal next but the lid of the trunk won't open for some reason. When they finally force the trunk to open and they have collected their bags, they learn that the ferry carrying the Templates have left. Oh, poor Pornathan, his pathetic beggings are to no avail. The camera zooms in on the plastic triumphant Stepford Barbie and Ken. It's go time, after all (babe).

The DMJs join Girl and Girth at Lac Rose. Because Don is too sick, Mary Jean will have to do this Roadblock. Don cheers her on.

The STDs, the Superdumbos, the Goth-Nots, the Fre&Ks, and the Mollywoods leave in the next ferry. As the Teams board the ferry, Hayden tells Aaron that she smells something that "stinks" but shrugs it off, saying that of course it can't be they who are stinking. Adam tells Rebecca that she is being very unsupportive of him at the moment. She insists that she is supportive of him (really!) but he points out that she was screaming at him when his eyes were hurting and... She cuts him off in mid-whine by telling him that she doesn't have time to babysit her "girlfriend". He retaliates by saying that he will jump off the ferry. Well, I guess it will be a less messy way to die than jumping on the tracks. Rebecca tells him that should he jump, that would be "awesome". Oh, Adam, run home to Mommy. The world is a cruel place.

"Dude, look how cool this is!" Guess who says that mind-numbingly banal line. I'd give you a hint: it's the female counterpart in the Team that is right now driving me absolutely insane with their relentless perkiness, incessant smiley-faces, and the unbelievable ability to command so much screen time without possessing any iota of charisma or personality. Of course they just have to find the Pit Stop without much trouble. The Templates are team number one, says Philo after the VIP lady has done her greeting duties, and they win a trip to the Caribbean. Oh great, now they get to see the world too. Adam, we'll jump off the ferry together!

After baring his buttocks in the first episode, Fat Gus revolutionizes the concept of male beauty by baring his pendulous manboobs and adorably wobbly belly when he finishes his Roadblock and climbs into a cab with his daughter. I'm in lust. I want me a piece of the Mack Daddy right now! He tells the camera that he feels sorry for Mary Jean who is still struggling back there in Lac Rose. Well, Don feels differently. He bursts into tears as he weepily tells the camera why he thinks that Mary Jean is such an amazing woman. Unlike the Templates who are all sunshine with little substance, this is what I'd call being corny in a really good way. It looks like Hal from Malcolm In The Middle may have a real life counterpart after all in Don. Don tells Mary Jean that she is "one hell of a woman" and yeah, she is as she gives a mighty cry and empties the last basket of salt into the now overflowing pail. The crowd who have gathered to watch give a round of applause to her. In their cab, they share a kiss despite knowing that they will be eliminated when they reach the Pit Stop. Sigh.

The STDs are team number two. Ejal is now Senegal's Enemy Number One as far as I am concerned. The Superdumbos are third, which I find surprising considering how bad they tend to be when it comes to navigation. In fourth place are the Mollywoods, fifth the Fre&Ks, and sixth the Goth-Nots. Thanks to the unnecessarily high number of bunchings on this leg of the Race, the pecking order hasn't changed much at all. Still at near the bottom of the pecking order are Girl and Girth, who come in seventh. Mary Jean curses, "Son of a bitch!" when the DMJs miss the ferry that are taking the Girl and Girth to Ile de Goree, actually catching Don by surprise. Who says you know everything about your partner after years of happy matrimony? Because of this as well because of their lack of speed and what-not, the DMJs step in last. But Philo has some happy news for them (and me): this is a non-elimination round. Yay!

The DMJs are happy to surrender their money, which is the penalty for coming in last on a non-elimination round, because at least they are still in the Race. Don says that they are the oldest Team to make it this far. To be fair to David and Margaretta of the first season, the DMJs would be gone tonight if this is an elimination round, so they aren't that much better than the adorable couple from Season One. But when it comes to a Team who tackles Roadblocks and tasks that give some people half their age plenty of difficulties, the DMJs are definitely the Team to be given a second chance to continue the Race. I don't think there are any Teams that deserve this opportunity more than they, so this is a very uplifting ending to an otherwise suspense-free episode filled with too many pointless bunchings.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

• More