THE AMAZING RACE

Season 4 Episode 6: I Could Have Never Been Prepared for What I'm Looking at Right Now

The Race heats up this episode as the Racers leave Muiden, the Netherlands, and end up in Mumbai (formerly Bombay), India. Don't expect a Bollywood soap opera and a happy ending: one of the remaining six teams are going home after Mumbai. Relationships are in balance. Will the Cordelias finally kill each other? Will the Oily Bohunks fade into the woodwork of the Pit Stop and be forgotten forever? Will Top Gun and Chippo finally show some human side to their robotic persona? How about the Sideshow Bobs - can they stop trying too hard to be funny? Who will win in a fight, Roseanne Barr or Millie the Mole?

Philo, still wearing the same old Marie Antoinette red sweater thingie (has the budget department been hit hard this season?), introduces Amsterdam as a bustling city. Oh look, pretty birds fly in the sky.

The MillieChuck took the Fast Forward last episode, so today they get to leave first at 2:25 am. The Clue tells them that they are supposed to get to the Schiphol Airport and fly 4,700 miles to Mumbai, India, the movie capital of India also known as "Film City". It will always be Bombay to me, but hey, don't let the Indian legislative people hear that from me. Teams must head on down to Gate #1 to find their next clue. Millie the Mole punches the air and yells, "India! Yes!" As they get into a cab, Chuckles the Virginal Werewolf Zombie tells in a voiceover that they had a long talk during their rest at the Pit Stop and they have decided to take some time out. He says that they are both very competitive and sometimes they don't trust each other. Gee, that's why there are no pokies going on. What are they? An undercover CIA agent and some Russian spy pretending to be a Team on this show? He adds that sometimes they both get too "overly frantic" (asthma! panic attack!). In the cab, Millie the Mole borrows the cab driver's cellphone to make some airflight reservation while Chuckles sit beside here and ponder the universal mystery of eternal enlightenment, zen, and how to unhinge his jaw and speak in a manner that doesn't suggest that his lupine vocal cord is having difficulty producing English words. At the rate these two are going, I will stop caring about their virgin status and just be glad that they remain virgins after all. Don't procreate and I will be grate(ful)!

The Sideshow Bobs are allowed to leave at 3:15 am. Lots of expected self-conscious jostling and annoying sounds more appropriate coming from horny orangutans. They are happy to be going to Mumbai, and even happier to be given $110 to spend on this leg of the race. They repeat that they will push their way forward - they seem have a fetish for the word "push" - and their being circus clowns enable them to be prepared for this Race. They are good Racers, I'd give them that, but I still cannot stand to watch them on my TV for more than a minute tops each top. I know this team is popular but I cannot stand them at all. I prefer the more interesting teams of DADT, Cordelias, and the Barrs to bring on the funnies and schadenfraude. The Sideshow Bobs are painfully unfunny and dull, second only to the Oily Bohunks when it comes to sending me into a coma.

3:34 am. Good morning, Roseanne and Dan. Like the other teams, they seem excited about going to India. Dan says that they are getting along better now that Roseanne is not freaking out so much on the Race. Roseanne even compliments Dan as he manages to find Mumbai on the map. This is scary. They either had mind-blowing sex that shattered all the chandeliers in Kasteel Muiderslot last night or Roseanne is really suffering from bipolar problems.

Millie the Mole learns from her conversation with the travel agent over the phone that there is a direct flight to Mumbai on KLM, but leaves only on 10:35 am. She hopes they can find an earlier flight to maintain their lead over the other teams. I don't see how she can expect to find an earlier flight when ticket counters open only around 5:00 am and every other Team is right now being unleashed from the Pit Stop Gates. Bunching is inevitable in airports and train stations, no? But hey, whatever.

At 4:26 am, DADT leaves the Pit Stop. Oh dear, Chippo is not in a good mood. He says that he realizes just how smart the other Teams can be and now he hopes that he and Top Gun can find a way to muscle their way to the front of the line. Well, there's always line jumping, for starters. They hail a cab. The cab driver asks whether DADT wants to go to the airport or the train station. I didn't catch DADT's answer - I think they never showed it on TV.

The Hot Mommas depart at 4:43 am, hugging each other as they realize they're going to India. They reiterate their bond and friendship, blah blah blah, time's up. They decide to take the 5:12 am train to the airport, and so hails a cab to take them straight to the train station.

By now the MillieChuck are at the Schiphol Airport, and they are joined soon enough by the Sideshow Bobs. A friendly greeting is exchanged, and as they wait for the ticket counters to open, Millie the Mole tells the Sideshow Bobs about the KLM flight. The Barrs ask around the closed KLM ticket counter and learn of this flight too. However, they decide to go around looking for alternative options.

At 5:05 am, the Oily Bohunks depart. They talk about treating this Race like business and they want to be smart, conservative, and precise (in that order) to win this thing. While I'm all for winning a million dollars, I will seriously sell my TV if this utterly dull couple wins this thing. The Boston Bulldogs in Season Two almost killed my interest in this show, and the Oily Bohunks will be euthanasia overkill after the dim-witted, coattail-shagging, cocky, and bullish Bulldogs. They borrow a cellphone from the cab driver and try to book a flight. I hope they mess up and the plane lands right in the middle of a sandstorm in Kalahari.

Team DADT are at the airport now. As they look around, Millie the Mole books tickets using a cellphone for both her and her lupine animated undead boyfriend as well as for the Sideshow Bobs. Two evil clowns, a witch, and a zombie werewolf. Who's up for a The Rocky Horror Show (With Virgins) renaissance? She remembers to ask for her and the virgin zombie werewolf to be seated closer to the exit though. I don't know though whether she asks for the Sideshow Bobs to be placed right at the back in separate seats. We see the Hot Mommas getting onto the train to the airport.

At 5:42 am, the Cordelias leave the Pit Stop. Daphne says that she will let Velma "be herself" and Daphne will stop trying to get Velma to do things her way. Not that they have kissed and made up, but they are doing this just to survive this Race without self-destructing three minutes into this episode in a mess of collagen tissues, hair dye, thong panties, and chapped lips. In their cab, Velma announces that she is looking forward to buying those lovely "tapestries" in India (I think she is talking about the sari) and maybe even tossing her old clothes out in favor of these saris. Let me just say that Velma clad in a sari and getting wet and climbing mountains will cause the ratings of this show to soar among the straight male and lesbian demographics - provided she doesn't trip on her sari and break her neck ten minutes into the journey. Daphne looks as if she's going to say something to Velma that will cause another catfight, but she manages to keep silent. My admirations - that must have been really tough on poor Daphne.

At the airport, DADT learns of an earlier flight to Mumbai via Milan on Alitalia. However, this is a transit flight and there is always a risk of missing the connecting flight to Mumbai. This flight, however, will arrive forty minutes earlier than the KLM flight. This flight leaves at 6:55 am. Chippo asks the ticket person about the weather in Milan and the possibility of a smooth connecting flight and the guy reassures him that everything will be fine.

The Hot Mommas finally arrive at the airport. One of the Sideshow Bobs watch their arrival with a distinctly unfriendly look on his face. He mumbles under his breath that the "NFL chicks" are "working it", and I'm sure it doesn't sound like a friendly thing to say. Another reason to view these insincere self-conscious Sideshow Bobs with suspicion. The DADT approach the Hot Mommas to share what they know about the 6:55 am flight with the Hot Mommas, but the Hot Mommas are worried about the risk of missing the connecting flight. They decide that it is better to take the direct flight and part ways with Team DADT.

The Oily Bohunks walk into the airport next. They meet the same Sideshow Bob, who must have been set there to spy for Millie the Mole or something. "Why don't you guys just save us some time and tell us which flight to take?" one of the Bohunks tell the Sideshow Bob. The Sideshow Bob laughs in this really fake manner, in that "I'm laughing because you're an idiot" way. The Oily Bohunks, not really expecting an answer, move on.

DADT are still agonizing over the 6:55 am flight. They have only five minutes more to buy tickets or miss the flight forever, and poor Chippo really seems to be dancing on hot coals as he tries to make a decision. Top Gun, whom I'm really starting to suspect is the submissive dingbat in this relationship, says that he trusts Chippo's instincts. Meanwhile, one of the Oily Bohunks are laughing with one of the Sideshow Bobs - if you expect me to tell these two men apart, sorry, I can't be bothered, with so little incentive these teams offer me to even try a little - over Chippo's increasingly hysterical stressed-out expressions. Then again, it's for a million dollars after all. Team DADT decide to go for it. "On paper," Top Gun voices-over, "it looks like the best decision." Not really - the flight will reach Mumbai late at night. Gate #1 will no doubt be opened only in the morning. Team DADT may as well save the stress and take the flight with the rest of them. Then again, there are so many times DADT shouldn't have done on this Race. This Team really has a tendency to stress and agonize over the most trivial matters in an overblown melodramatic way.

The Cordelias finally breeze into the airport, and Daphne tells the same guard dog Sideshow Bob that she is surprised that the Teams are all still here. The Sideshow Bob tells her that the ticket counters have just opened.

At 7:00 am, DADT leaves Amsterdam for Milan. Meanwhile, there seems to be a brief panic among the other Teams that aren't aware of this flight, and in the end, everyone reassures each other that KLM is the way to go and hopefully DADT will screw up badly and lose, bwahahaha. One of the Sideshow Bob agrees with Millie the Mole that the connecting flight thing is too risky. But it's a risk that may be worth taking, when DADT touches down at Milan at 8:35 am and leaves at 10:15 am for Mumbai. A forty-minute lead when bunching is inevitable seems like a dubious achievement to me, but I guess Chippo just wants to prove that he has the biggest balls of them all, and in this case, he has succeeded where the Oily Bohunks failed. All hail Chippo! At 10:35 am, the rest of the herd departs. Roseanne cackles that the Barrs don't care as long as they are with the pack. "We're going to somewhere hot!" she cackles, and I cringe, expecting Nelly's overplayed Hot In Herre to come on and Roseanne to start doing a striptease. She doesn't, but now I can't get the song out of my mind. Damn it!

It is 10:55 pm (night) when DADT lands in Mumbai. We see kids and women and lights and shanty towns and whoa, we're in Bollywood, baby! Don't forget the snake charmers. Don't look too closely, Chuckles, you may get hypnotized forever. DADT grabs a cab and then the show is hijacked by aliens and I get a What About The Mumbai Children? docudrama. It is 11:00 pm when they clear the airport, and while Chippo seems to genuinely enjoy the people of India, I am not happy at all with the way the camera lingers slow motion on the slums and their inhabitants. In a documentary, this will be welcomed, but this is a silly reality TV show. All this condescending "Whoa! Look, people, sickly Indian people. Let us all be grateful for our lives!" overtones don't sit well with me, and I half expect Sally Struthers to make an appearence and ask for donation even as Ignuanita Barber massacres What About The Chil'run? in the background. "I could have never been prepared for what I'm looking at right now," Top Gun says as he wipes away at a tear. "What could have happened here?" he asked. Imagine me rolling my eyes upwards. He adds that he will be thinking a lot over what he has seen here tonight.

It is nice to see people finally experiencing the gritty conditions of the slums in a third-world country, but at the same time, the camera seems to linger too long on the slums and the show seems to focus a little too heavily on the "Ohmigosh, I'm shocked! How awful!" spectacle for shock value as opposed to them showing these scenes for educational purposes. If this show presents an address, a phone number, or an email or website address for donations or enquiries, I will be less discomfited by the whole "Omigosh! India is just so sad!" angle. But hey, that's just me and that's enough for my rant for now. On with the show.

At 11:30 pm, the KLM flight reaches Mumbai, and the Teams all dash towards the cabs. Why bother, really? It's late. Unless the show wants them to go hunt for crocodiles in mangrove swamps, I doubt they will have anything more to do today. The Hot Mommas begin praying when they realize that their cab driver is drunk. I wonder if praying won't aggravate the drunken driver even more. The Barrs are a little divided: Dan seems to enjoy the chaos, saying aloud to Roseanne, "Welcome to Bombay!" (fine him, Mumbai cops, catch him and fine him now!) while Roseanne cowers from the scary crowd milling around their cab, muttering non-stop that she is trapped in a nightmare. The Sideshow Bob balances a pen on his nose while a cab driver tries not to look perplexed. One of these days the clowns will end up in a country where balancing a pen on one's nose is tantamount to an invitation for anybody to shove a pencil up his nostril. That will really teach the camera-mugging ho clowns. The Oily Bohunks win the prize for the most wretched attempt at humor, commenting about their cab driver, "We're going straight into the desert to be sacrificed." The Ugly American Masterpiece Classics Montage has already started.

The Cordelias provide some safe refuge from the other Teams' complete breakdowns: Daphne looks around her, looking genuinely fascinated by the entirely new world unfolding before her eyes, and says that she has never seen anything so busy and filled with life before - she loves it. Velma comments dryly that Mumbai sure smells "different". When they are not fighting, Velma and Daphne actually play each other off very well and come off as a very interesting Team.

DADT pulls up at Gate #1, where they find their clue. It tells them to proceed to take a designated bike and cycle to Studio 10, where the next clue awaits. Studio 10 opens at 9:30 am. See, I told you, Chippo! I told you. Hah! The two tough guys decide to sleep by the bicycle lot. They don't have anything to worry. They won't stand out among the thousands of homeless sleeping on the streets of Mumbai that night. I know, I'm as bad as the Oily Bohunks.

Meanwhile, Daphne continues to take in the sights of Mumbai at night. Dan tells Roseanne that they aren't in Jersey anymore, "that's for sure", and she tells him that they aren't at "Texas" either. Meanwhile, Chuckles swears that he has seen the biggest rat ever. No, that's just Millie's mole, don't worry. He says that it is as big as a cat. I wonder whether Millie the Mole will ask Chuckles to catch the rat and bring its dead body back to her like the loyal zombie werewolf that he is.

DADT apparently now act at the doormen for the Teams when they pull up at Gate #1. They greet the Hot Mommas by gesturing at the clue stand. The Hot Mommas hug them warmly and exclaims, "You made it!" I like how the Hot Mommas bring out the warmth in the otherwise robotic DADT. Roseanne seems somewhat daunted by the other Teams' sleeping right here until morning, but she says that if the Hot Mommas can do it, so can she. I guess praying is excluded from that statement. Velma and Chippo share a sweet kiss. Aw, so cute, they're like sweet little girlfriends that get together and bitch about boys and girls while doing each other's nails. All the Team huddle down on the floor which they lay their silvery jacket bedspread thingies over. An Oily Bohunk comments that it's like a big sleepover and they all try not to think of tomorrow. Proving that he has learned a thing or two from listening to speeches made by Republican politicians, he says that their situation now is "the calm before the storm".

Morning comes. Daphne is adding some twigs into a fire while one of the Oily Bohunks is brushing his teeth. Brushing his teeth, huh? I really hope he is rinsing his mouth with some Evian and not some tap water from Mumbai. I went to a science conference in Calcutta once and I had the worst diarrhea after drinking tap water there (I was young and really naive then). Millie the Mole is tearing up (see touching picture above) as she looks down at the slums. The camera lingers slow-motion on the malnourished kids with bloated bellies. Millie the Mole goes on to say that if she wins the million dollars, she will help the children down the hill. A nice sentiment if I haven't heard so many similar declarations made in the heat of the moment and seen too little follow-up to them. Dial down the pseudo-social commentary, Bonghammer. It's just not working.

At 9:30 am, the Teams are lined up as they collect passes to enter Film City. One of the Oily Bohunks say that they have no idea where they are going. Roseanne says that this (cycling) is crazy and I don't know what she's talking about. One of the Sideshow Bobs asks the other to keep an eye on him so that they don't get separated. The Teams are all cycling in search of Studio 10. In a rare moment of assertion, Chuckles tells Millie the Mole to "go fast, go hard". Too easy, really. Daphne is urging Velma along while Velma apparently is unable to go fast despite it being so early in the morning. Sometimes I find it hard to fault Daphne for being so hard on Velma. Velma is a weak partner to race with. Amidst the drama for more speed, the Oily Bohunks predictably make their way to Studio 10 first. There are both male and female dancers twirling around some cushions on a stage, and the clue is found in the pile of cushions. It calls for a Detour.

Philo has ditched the Marie Antoinette sweater for a simple white shirt as he walks out to explain the Detour. Hey, the manboobs are gone! Philo's been working out. Is all that effort for me? No? Bummer. Anyway, the Teams will have to choose between "suds" and "duds". "Suds" will require the team to wash a bag of dirty laundry in a public wash area. The clue is printed on one of the garments. Teams that choose to perform "duds" will have to look for a textile store and search among the hundreds of saris in the store for the right saree among which the clue is hidden. "Suds" is messy but fast, while "duds" is clean but slow. The textile shop is not easy to find and there are many saris to search. But before the Teams can perform either Detour, they have to find their way to each location of the Detour first, and while this village isn't named on the show, it's a pretty long distance away from Film City.

The Sideshow Bobs decide to perform "duds" while everyone else performs "suds". But first, travel. DADT decides to cycle back where they come from, while the other Teams run the opposite direction. I love it when these things happen - a team will either be vindicated and the others humiliated or this team will be the ones left burned to crisp by their mistake. The Cordelias are heading... well, it doesn't matter. Velma is still in broken-down mode, and she says that the other Teams are all ahead anyway so they may as well walk. Daphne looks like she wants to scream at Velma, but as she voices over, she decides to just bite her tongue and walk with Velma. "You can't make a dog with three legs run faster," she muses. So now Velma's a dog, huh? Snigger.

Team DADT, after asking around, hops onto a bus that will take them to the Mumbai train station. From the station, they can board a train to the location of the "suds" detour. In the other direction, the Barrs, the Oily Bohunks, and the MillieChuck stumble upon a bus heading towards the Mumbai train station. The Hot Mommas are busy asking around, so they turn around one instance and woosh! Everybody else except for the similarly bewildered Sideshow Bobs have vanished! Oh dear. The Cordelias hop onto the next bus. I guess the other two Teams have walked off in some direction that the buses don't go. Oh dear.

Team DADT buys tickets from the Mumbai station. When the train arrives, they gape at the sight of people cramming the coaches until they are hanging from the sides of the entrances. Top Gun says that they will have to muscle their way. Oomph! Ugh! After some difficulty, those two find themselves in a packed coach on the way to... well, somewhere.

The Barrs and the Oily Bohunks reach the station next. The sight of the trains petrify them that they just watch the train pull out from the station. As Mole and Werewolf catch up with them, they all watch the next train approaching warily. Roseanne tells Dan to push hard, and we see the Barrs and the Bohunks doing just that. Roseanne calls out to see if everybody is on board. Then she exclaims that someone's grabbing her butt. Since she's a woman in an all-male coach, I'm not surprised. I sympathize especially as the women on this show are forced to endure the male coaches because their camera crew are males. I suggest that Bonghammer look into this matter and suggest alternative transportation for the Racers if the women are going to be molested in the name of TV. She says that she's living a nightmare again and again, and then shrieks as someone touches her again. She wants to be let out of the train and Dan calls out for someone to help his missus. Oh dearie me.

The MillieChuck, having missed the train, are now watching the next train coming in. Millie the Mole jumps onto the train like a heroine and yells for the Werewolf to follow. Chuckles, always the timid one, takes a step back and shakes his head, "I can't!" Millie yells back that well, Chuckles, she can't get off (heh heh) so Chuckles better get on or else. Chuckles finally takes a deep breath and jumps on the train. The train leaves, and the camera captures the departing train. I think it is safe to say that somebody has lost his or her camera crew. Damn, now we will never see whether Chuckles will like getting fondled by the guys on the train. I Came Out In Mumbai has a nice ring to it.

The Cordelias grab the next train. Two American women in a train packed with men - seriously, what is Bonghammer thinking? Velma calmly threatens to throw some man out of the train if he grabs her chest again. She squeals when someone pinches her. Panic sets in when she realizes that she can't see Daphne. Daphne calls out for Velma - she's squashed against the wall and she says that she's being fondled. Velma is close to panicking but Daphne tells her that they can endure this, they can make it through this. Both Cordies comment in voice-overs that this humiliating and degrading experience bond them together and they decide to stick together through thick and thin. I applaud them for that (although I wish they don't require such an ordeal to give them seed to develop), really.

The Sideshow Bobs and the Hot Mommas have been separated. The Sideshow Bobs are balancing cellphones on their noses while a crowd looks on, stony-faced. I don't think they see too many ugly seals in their lives to be amused by the clowns. The Hot Mommas, in the meantime, are told that they can take a train to where they are headed, but the train station is a long walk - the Hot Mommas have obviously been traveling in the wrong direction. They sigh but walk back the way they came like the troopers they are.

The Sideshow Bobs are now on the train. They comment that the train here is a far cry from the subway trains in New York.

Team DADT has finally arrived when their train stops at Mahalaxmi station. The location of the public wash area is called the Dhobi Ghat (trivia: there's a place called Dhoby Ghaut in Singapore, I wonder if they both mean the same thing). "Honey, we're going to wash some clothes!" Chippo calls out to Top Gun as they follow a local's direction to the Dhobi Ghat. At first, there is brief panic as they can't locate the bag of laundry they are supposed to wash. Chippo finally finds the line of laundry bundles beside the entrace and grabs one triumphantly. The clothes look as if they have been thrown into a vat of mud, dirt, fertilizer, and stepped on by a stampede cows to rinse and saturate. Top Gun talks about the filth in the clothes as they both begin getting down and sudsy dirty. Top Gun's voice-overs are always about the obvious things. Chippo is really the brain in the relationship, I think.

The next train pulls up, bringing the Oily Bohunks and the shaken Roseanne who is being comforted by Dan. Dan tells her that there aren't many girls who would take it like a trooper just like Roseanne did, and I'm still trying to see whether that's a veiled insult or a compliment. The DADT aren't too happy when these two teams catch up. Roseanne screams when a particularly enthusiastic local, probably slipped US$50 by sneaky Bonghammer, starts slapping the shirt he is washing into the soapy water, splashing the Barrs who are washing at the next vat. Roseanne makes an annoyed sound.

The DADT discover the piece of garment printed with the clue and read quietly to learn that they must now travel to the Indo Universal Engineering at the Sassoon Docks. The Pily Bohunks are surprisingly fast in this, and soon they and DADT are dashing out of the Dhobi Ghat, leaving Roseanne cussing and hollering as she and Dan try to complete their washing. The alpha males hail cabs to go to the Sassoon Docks. Meanwhile, the strange local guy is really splashing water on the Barrs like a demented loon, and Roseanne complains that she has swallowed a drop of water and she's going to get diarrhea. Finally, she locates the garment with the clue. The Barrs decide to take a bus to the docks.

The MillieChuck are now running into the Dhobi Ghat, missing the laundry bundle just like DADT did earlier. Millie the Mole, the smart one, grabs a laundry bag nearby like some gung-ho dudette and proceeds to wash the first garment she pulls out - until a very irate guy who owns the bundle snatches the clothes back from her. Poor guy: apparently Millie has just redunked his newly-washed garment back into the soapy water. Mind you, Millie the Mole looks annoyed rather than apologetic. Like a regal and spoiled princess, she tells Chuckles to go fetch her the correct laundry bundle.

DADT and Bohunks are asking their cabs to race against each other. Boys and their cars. I will never understand them.

The Cordelias gratefully climb down from their train and vow never to take a train in India ever again. Daphne is half-horrified, half-dismayed because she has never had her butt pinched so many times before. While I do symphatize, I also have to point out that there are coaches in India for women only, and this is a rare exception of a debacle because we have two women squashed in a coach filled with men because their male camera crew prevented them from boarding the women's-only coach. It's not fair to tar the men for a few rotten eggheads in the coach.

Meanwhile, on his mistress' orders, Chuckles run outside to fetch the correct laundry bag for her. The Cordelias rush in even as Millie and Chuckles begin arguing over laundry methods. I'm not kidding. He wants to slowly remove each garment, shake the dirt off, hoping to see the clue, maybe, before rinsing them in the suds. Millie prefers the gung-ho way of soak first, peer later. She begins doing that "Please, pleeeease, pleeeeeease!" whiny thing until Chuckles, in a rare moment of disobedient you know he will severely punished for soon, tells her to be quiet. Daphne asks Velma to just dunk the whole bag into the water, and Velma just pushes the bag into the water - without untying the knots of the bag and releasing the garments first. Daphne, splashed and wet, struggles with the knots as she berates Velma, who deserves every nagging she receives this time around if you ask me.

The Sideshow Bobs disembark from their train and begin hunting for the sari shop. Meanwhile, the Hot Mommas finally board the bus to the Mumbai train station. This is not good, Mommas. Please hurry.

The MillieChuck discovers the clue and dash out of the Dhobi Ghat, leaving the Cordelias still washing and searching among the garments.

The Sideshow Bobs are having problems trying to find the sari shop in the confusing, maze-like marketplace. Please, someone direct them straight to Kashmir before they cause the Hot Mommas to be eliminated. Look at the bright side: with their amazing comedic talents, they can entertain the Kashmir rebels among Kashmir's non-stop strife.

The Hot Mommas are squashed on the train now. They hope that this leg of the race will end soon.

The Sideshow Bobs have found the shop and are now hunting through the saris.

The locals cheer when the Cordies finally locate their clue. Upon learning from a local that the docks are forty-five minutes away, they jump into a cab and urge the man to drive real fast.

The Hot Mommas run towards Dhobi Ghat even as the Sideshow Bobs discover the clue in the sari shop. The docks are only fifteen minutes away from the marketplace, so things really look grim for the Hot Mommas now. Worse, the Hot Mommas wash every garment in their bundle but still cannot locate the clue. Not now, ladies, please! They have to rewash another bundle. "All I'm praying is somebody else had worse luck than we did," they say. Forget prayers, just hurryupandwashdammitandKEEPYOUREYESOPEN!

Finally, they find the clue and they speed out of the Dhobi Ghat. They vow that it is not over until it's over. Run, ladies, run!

In the meantime, the cabs of the Holy Pecs Alliance pull up at the Docks. The grandiose-sounding Indo Universal Engineering looks more like a wooden, broken down warehouse than anything else. The teams will now have to do a Roadblock. Philo explains that one team member will have to enter a "foul-smelling fish market" (please let me know where I can find a fragrant fish market), find a designated fishmonger, pick up twenty palai fish among a pile of fish on the floor, and bring them in a basket to the market manager waiting by a truck at the entrance of the market. I'm quite disappointed - they are in Mumbai and so far there are no detours involving showbiz and bad Bollywood karaoke? Bonghammer is slipping. Chippo and one of the Bohunks decide to work together. The remaining Bohunk calls this Bohunk to "memorize the fish" - how do I get those jumping D-U-H letters to show up here on this webpage? - and then the two Pec Alliance dudes are off, leaving the remaining two men to talk awkwardly about how things in this country is different from America. It's like watching two single straight guys forced to talk to each other in a singles bar because all the hot ladies are attending a Clay Aiken concert instead. Bohunk gets some amused onlookers to help him hoist the basket of twenty palai fish onto his head. Chippo gets help as well. Chippo talks about being rained by fish tuna water that drips from the basket onto their heads. I must say, tuna-fishy Chippo looks kinda hot. The Bohunks? I find a tub of pig grease way sexier than either of those two smarmy guys. The two guys manage to deliver twenty correct fish to the market manager, so they are now free to dash to the Pit Stop for this leg of the race: the Gateway of India.

The Holy Pecs Alliance begin cajoling, bribing (Bohunks offer their driver US$100), threatening, begging, and offering sex - okay, not the last one - to their cab drivers to beat the other cab and be first. Again, I repeat: boys with toys mystify me. It makes no difference who gets in first, unless for some reason these guys are desperate to win some stupid cruise to some Mediterranean sea on a ship filled with out-of-shape retirees with a penchant for bad karaoke. The Bohunks are first, and indeed, they win a cruise to the Hubbard Glacier for seven nights, long enough for them to fall in love with each other or something. DADT watch sullenly until the Bohunks vacate the mat for them. DADT is second.

Dan Barr is now doing the roadblock with Roseanne cheering him on. He carries the basket of fish on his shoulder, and Roseanne goes even wilder ("Is that juice running down your face?") at the sight of fish juices dripping down his shirt in front and back. "Good job, babe! There's no way I could have done that," she jumps and squeals when Dan succeeds in presenting twenty correct fish to the market manager. Then they too are racing for a cab to take them to the Pit Stop. "I smell like fish food," Dan says. With him shackled to Roseanne, one can make an argument that he already is. Fish food, I mean.

The MillieChuck and the Sideshow Bobs - damn, these two teams are like Siamese twins or something - are dashing towards the docks even as the Barrs dash out of it. The Cordelias are close behind. In fact, Daphne, Sideshow Bob, and Chuckles are racing to complete their task side by side. They both ask whether the fish they are collecting are correct, and the fishmonger just nods. As a result, Chuckles brings ten wrong fish back and has to run back to the fishmonger to get more palai fish. "Run, Chuck!" the ever helpful Millie the Mole yells at his back. The Sideshow Bob need twelve more palai fish. Daphne has some difficulty lifting the basket of fish. While the ever helpful Velma - who to date has not performed one single roadblock - hugs Daphne in encouragement, no encouragement from the useless dead weight can mask the fact that Daphne brings back six wrong fish. Daphne sighs and dashes back to the market, the perky Velma cheering her on.

Fishy-smelling soaked Dan - he and Missus are Team #3 - asks Philo for a hug. Philo pretends to be struck deaf all of a sudden.

The MillieChucks finish their task first, followed by their Siamese twins the clowns. They get into their cabs.

The Hot Mommas finally find the clue while washing the clothes at the Dhobi Ghat. Now they arrive at the docks and it looks like they are struggling to get the correct number of fish back to the market manager. This is not good. They pray for a miracle. I don't know, ladies. I really don't know.

Daphne completes her task, and Velma is ecstatic. She says that it is so fun now that Daphne is treating her with respect (and doing all the work, naturally), so she offers her sleeve as Daphne's facial wipe and carries Daphne's bag for her. She even screams for a cab for them both. Daphne must really appreciate this. If she single-handedly tears apart the Pyramids of Egypt, Velma may even buy her a drink the next time they hang out together.

In the meantime, MillieChuck steps on the mat - Team #4. Chuckles looks as if he wishes the ground will open up and swallow him dead. Millie the Mole wants a high-five. Chuckles exhales and high-fives Millie the Mole in an universal gesture of male impotence everywhere. Oh dear, have I stumbled across the real reason for their virgin status?

Then look. Oh dear, the Cordelias are running! Woo-hoo! They drop their bags halfway to speed to the Finishing Mat while Philo looks on with his everpresent mildly-bemused smile and sparkling eyes. They actually beat the Sideshow Bobs and step onto the mat - Team #5! The Sideshow Bobs are just waiting for their chance to step on the mat - Team #6.

The Hot Mommas finally walk towards the Mat some thirty minutes or so later, exhausted and fearing the worst. Indeed, they are Philiminated. They really aren't prepared to go, and they burst into tears even as they thank their families for their support and talk about how humbling the Race is even as they are proud of getting here this far. I am really sad to see them go, but what can I say? They never recover from missing the bus to the train station and their subsequent mistakes prevent them from catching up with the other teams. "India just isn't my cup of tea," one of them sadly laments as they hug each other tearfully.

This is not nice at all, but that's just how the Race goes. One mistake could cost a Team the game, and in this case, it's not one but several mistakes. This episode is well designed because the Teams are now on their own with no hope of being saved by bunching. You raced well, Hot Mommas, and I'm saddened to see you go, but the Race goes on. My favorite team is gone, but there are still the DADT, Barrs, and the Cordelias to cheer for!

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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