THE AMAZING RACE

Season 4 Episode 5: You Are Just Deliberately Trying to Make Us Lose!

We're still in Europe this week, with the Teams moving from Marseilles to Amsterdam. I wonder why we are still in Europe. Last season, it's pretty much Europe all over and this season, it's still Europe all over. Did the funding for this show come from the Council of Europe? Team Father and Freak got lost on a highway to nowhere last week and they skid right out of the show, striking a blow against disenfranchised future Bill Gates everywhere as they learn that in the end, Daddy is right and you should always spend money on a cab instead of a bus ticket. Or something. Never mind, while Freak is now leading the nerdkind, with his Father's blessings, to the queue for the next Star Wars movie, we still have seven Teams left in the show to fight it out for love, fame, and one million dollars.

Philo, oh Philo, why are you still wearing that Antoinette red pimp sweater under that white jacket thing you borrowed from Farah Fawcett?

At 2:26 am, the Cordelias are the first to leave the Pit Stop, Chateau des Alpilles. They open their clue and read them aloud, sounding like rudely awaken bullmastiffs who just want to bite everybody. They are to drive to the Marseilles Airport, fly 1,000 miles to Amsterdam, and find the famous "skinny bridge" Magere Brug. Since Holland is the land of legalized pot and free-for-all prostitution, the show gives them only $90 for the leg. (Aw, that will cut down on Chuckles' gay porn hotel pay-per-view.) Meanwhile, I've decided to rechristen these two Cordies Daphne and Velma. Daphne is the more pushy and bitchy one. Velma is the weaker and just as bitchy one. It's a Scooby Doo thing, yes. Velma is driving the car to the airport and Daphne is bitching at her for some reason. Velma says that she's fed up of Daphne treating her like a child. I'm fed up with you two bickering. Just kill each other or get married already, sheesh.

The MillieChucks and the Sideshow Bobs leave at 2:41 am, and they thoughtfully howl as they leave the Chateau. Shut up, freaks. And you Sideshow Bobs, stop with the infernal camera mugging. Just because you're ugly clowns does not mean you are automatically funny. You're not funny. You're not even tolerable. And what's this with Chuckles asking Millie the Mole to keep the clue? Hey, Chuckles, you need a clue alright, so keep it, silly man! And Millie the Mole is now telling me that Chuckles doesn't know him in "some ways", which is just informational overkill. The "Dating 12 years/Virgin" tag should be indication enough that there is at least one "biblical" way that they don't connect with each other. Are these two really that clueless about the double entendres they are using or are they just fooling around? Hmmm. She moans that Chuckles doesn't respect her need for spirited adventures and travels. I nod sympathetically and then do the universal finger gesture to show my support to Millie the Mole. The Sideshow Bobs talk about how they try not to worry about other teams as they "push, push, push" their way to the top. Still not funny.

The Hot Mommas are off at 2:45 am. They say that they are sweet and they listen and respect each other. They're not like, say, the Cordelias, although they say they like Velma, just not Daphne. Since Daphne is bisexual and the Hot Mommas are pretty much religious sorts, one may detect some hint of conflict there. Or maybe the Hot Mommas just think Daphne, the more athletic one, is more of a threat than Velma. I don't know. I still like this team, even more when this episode there is not one word about them being "wives of professional athletes".

The Cordelias are at the airport and they glare stonily at the closed Air France ticket counter. A guy standing around them explains that the counters of the airport open at 5:00 am.

At 2:48 am, Team DADT's turn to host the Vapid Five Second Psychobabble Montage That Kicks Off Every Episode. Chippo is driving and comments that Marseilles looks pretty in the night. Top Gun tells him that they must not be distracted by the sights around them, before telling the camera that they tend to buy too much stuff when they are distracted by pretty things. Aw, so sweet, I can picture Top Gun in a Saks maternity dress and a handbag shopping for lace doillies... oh, you mean drive by, not buy? Bummer. Of course you two drive past things. After all, Top Gun is always calling Chippo to drive faster.

Since there are fewer and fewer teams around and the Oily Bohunks just refuse to go away, the show has to start focusing a bit on them. They leave at 2:57 am. One of them drives a car, one of them sits behind, the one behind calls the one in front pushy, and... and... Heh! The driver goes the wrong direction! They're screwed. Heh heh heh!

3:00 am. Roseanne Barr, seated at the back of the car, announces that she is the worst map reader in the world. She can't understand a thing about the map she is trying to study. Dan tells her to practice because she can't always be the one to drive. She wonders if this is how he will treat her when they're married. Maybe she should ask Dan that question herself.

The MillieChuck and the Sideshow Bobs are now at the airport. They take their places behind the Cordelias at the ticket counter.

4:27 am. Kabung/Kabang slaps his own face to wakey-wakey even as they say that they are the tortoise to the hares that are the Other Teams. Unfortunately, this anology works only if the hares fall asleep. In this Race, it is the tortoise team that keeps falling asleep, so there goes the proverb thing, Kabung and Kabang.

By this time the Team Incontinent Air departs, the other Teams except for the Oily Bohunks (still lost, sheesh) are at the airport. The Hot Mommas and the Oily Bohunks head to the KLM Air Ticket Counter, while Team DADT frowns at the line ahead of them at the Air France counter. Top Gun says that he bets there won't be enough tickets to go around and DADT, at the end of the line, will be "screwed". Chippo sidles up to Daphne at the head of the line and asks Daphne whether she can book tickets for DADT as well as for herself and Velma. Daphne grunts without committing herself and says that she will talk to Velma about it. Upon hearing this, Millie the Mole is all fired up. She demands to know whether Daphne is really going to buy DADT tickets. Daphne again just shrugs, not committing herself. Ooh, Millie stomps her foot and pouts angrily before dragging Chuckles and the Sideshow Bobs along with her to the British Airways counter. Because, you see, buying tickets for other teams are wrong, and it's not as if she plans to buy tickets on behalf of the Sideshow Bobs. Really! The Barrs happily step up to take over the place in the line vacated by the Virgin Chuckles Alliance.

It's now 5:00 am, rise and shine, the ticket counter fellow says as they are now open for business. The Cordelias learn that sure enough, only two Teams will be able to get on this flight. The flight goes through Paris and is also the earliest to leave at 6:25 am. Chippo comes up to Daphne again, and Daphne, being a Daphne and hence a tease, only now tells Chippo that Chippo will have to talk to Dan Barr whether the Barrs will be okay with DADT grabbing the last pair of tickets. Dan Barr gives Chippo the ultimately succint answer: "No cutting! I'll punch your eye out!" Top Gun says that DADT is stronger and they can always push their way to the finishing line, so they will honor the line. Yes, honor the line because DADT is Tough! Mean! Strong! and not because Dan Barr is going to punch Top Gun's beady lil' cross-eyed squinties out if DADT dares cut the line. Whatever, whatever.

Meanwhile, Millie the Mole buys the 6:50 am flight for herself and Chuckles as well as the Sideshow Bobs. They will be joined by the Hot Mommas and - irony of ironies - DADT. If MillieChuck has stayed put in the Air France line, they will be on the 6:25 am flight with the Cordelias.

Woosh! The planes depart at their scheduled time, taking the Teams out of France. Next stop: Amsterdam.

Finally, Kabung and Kabang and the Oily Bohunks wander into the airport. Needless to say, British Airways and Air France have no more early tickets for these two teams. The only flight available is one Air France flight going through Orly. From Orly, they must catch a cab to Paris to catch a connecting flight to Amsterdam from DeGaulle. This flight leaves at 7:14 am. Beggars can't be choosers, so they take what they can get. 7:14 am and a mad cab dash in between flights it is. Anybody with common sense will know by now that you don't really put "Kabung and Kabang", "Incontinent Air", and "dash" in the same sentence - it's a law against nature, and this plan is no doubt doomed from conception.

Since we really have to show something about the unpleasantly dull Oily Bohunks, we see them grinning like some Brian Heidik-Bert-the-Muppet inbred Chuckie dolls as they indicate Kabung and Kabang seated behind them on the plane. "The BFGs are right on our tail!" they say. The last time they claim that DADT was on their tail, they drove straight to Lost and Dazed. Right now, when Kabung and Kabang are on their tail, they are on a flight to Lost and Dazed, the sequel. The Oily Bohunks like having men on their tail, not that there's anything wrong with that, but shouldn't they boast about having followers of their behinds when they are leading the pack? Incidentally, those behinds aren't worth tailing either. Now, DADT's behinds, that's what worth tailing, whatever faults DADT exhibit in other departments. They arrive at the Orly airport right in the middle of lunch time rush hour. Traffic jam is inevitable. The trip takes thirty minutes on usual sedate traffic. Factor in traffic jam and you do the Math. One of the Oily Bohunks say that they are moving at one mile an hour. Holy sheet. The two most unpleasant teams stuck in traffic and one of them can be eliminated. This must be the best episode ever, right up there with Carmurp and Josh Don't Tell standing on the Seats of Shame in that very special episode of American Idol 2.

At 11:02 am, Amsterdam has the honor of welcoming the Barrs and the Cordelias. AT 11:05 am, the MillieChuck, DADT, the Hot Mommas, and the Sideshow Bobs are close on the first two Teams' tails. Millie the Mole bark at the locals for directions to the skinny bridge. They decide to get a cab to get to the Magere Brug. Meanwhile, DAT, the Sideshow Bobs, and the Hot Mommas hop onto a train to get there. The Cordelias, however, fidget around asking men whether they should take the train or the cab. The man they ask explains the obvious: the cab is faster and more expensive, while the train is slower and cheaper. And then the Cordies argue whether to buy a map. As a result of their terminal stupidity, they end up left behind on the train platform (yes, they decide to take a train in the end) while the other Teams are already on their way to Magere Brug, with the train actually moving side by side with the MillieChuck's cab.

It's a good thing the MillieChuck get a cab. The cab takes them to the wrong place, and the two decide to just get out of the cab and run towards the bridge instead. Millie the Mole calls out "Go Chuckie!" to her reanimated zombie platonic boyfriend as they dash towards the bridge, because Chuckles really need all the encouragement he needs to make even a single teeny-weeny move on this Race. Have to think of his rotten zombie joints, you know. I doubt Millie the Mole's reanimation voodoo spells can last without requiring a recharge now and then. They reach the clue stand and grab and rip open a clue envelope. They must now head to the 400-year old warehouse-turned-nautical-museum, Scheepvaart Museum, for their next task. To get there, they will have to get on the boat on the pierside and make sure they reach their destination in a timely manner.

In the meantime, we see the other Four teams leap off the train and dash towards the skinny bridge. The Barrs run down the stairs to the pierside. Chippo dashes along the highway. I hope they are all heading towards the same direction.

Millie the Mole is asking the woman in the motorboat with them to get moving. Chuckles point out that they must drive the boat themselves. He opens the map and studies it closely. Millie the Mole wonders how Chuckles know that they have to navigate the damned boat through the waterways themselves. He reminds her once more that they have to drive the boat themselves. Meanwhile, as he studies the map, Millie the Mole gets antsy when she sees the other Teams running towards the Clue Stand. "Chuck!" she pleads, "We have to go!" Chuckles just stares at the map. He confesses in a voiceover that he knows they have to go now, but his mind has frozen - more than it usually does anyway - and he can't make head or tail out of the map in his hands. He only knows that he has to look at the map. Oh dear, is another panic attack coming on? Millie the Mole looks back at the Other Teams, really panicking now. "Chuck, please go," she pleads lifelessly now. Chuckles just stares helplessly at the map in his hands.

Team DADT read the clue and jump on a boat.

Chuckles say in those seated interviews in a cozy room that Millie the Mole is really distracting him from his attempt to read the map. Seated beside him, Millie the Mole just glares furiously at the TV screen and at Chuckles. Don't kill me, Millie, please.

The Barrs and the Sideshow Bobs read their clues and get on a boat. Meanwhile, the Hot Mommas ask for directions. They get a little bit lost on their way to the Clue Stand. Yes, read that in any way you want, literally or not.

Chuckles are now telling Millie the Mole that they have to read the map correctly so that they know where they are going. It makes sense to me. But Millie the Mole just repeats in that weak lil' whiny way of hers her plea for Chuckles to get going. Why can't she drive the boat herself if she wants them to go badly? I'd love to see her scream, kick Chuckles off the boat (splash!), emit a Xena whoop, and run down the other boats like a Mole-Jaws berserk. ("Die, die, die!" "Millie, I can't swim! I'm a zombie, remember?" "STFU, Chuckles!")

The camera zooms in on the Eiffel Tower and the Arc de Triomphe. Huh? Have those shifty Dutch folks taken France while I'm not looking too closely? No, we're in France - we're now with Kabung and Kabang and the Oily Bohunks. They are finally at the DeGaulle airport, looking at the blank face of the ticket counter person as they realize that they have missed their earlier connecting flight. Dramatic drum beat plays in the background and the two Teams look appropriately (and melodramatically) horrified at this actually expected turn of events. Their next flight leaves at 11:45 am. I hope the pilot accidentally flies to Harare instead of Amsterdam. Won't that annoy these four boring and useless men?

Back to the shifty Dutchmen, Millie the Mole and her zombie boyfriend are finally moving down the waterways of Amsterdam. Behind them are the Barrs. For some reason, suddenly Roseanne is calling Millie the Mole for being, well, moley. "MillieMoleMillieMole," Dan chimes in. Roseanne proceeds to pull at her own cheeks as she calls Chuckles a "second stage werewolf". Mind you, he's a handsome man, she clarifies, but he has these "funky muscles" that make him look like a canine nuzzle is going to rip out of his face anytime soon. I must confess that I laugh at the Barrs' juvenile namecallings. They are shaping up to be the Thenardiers of this season - a more petty Hydra and Guido, only meaner and without the moralistic self-justifications of their pettiness. Hee! MillieMole, MillieMole, MillieMole! Hee, hee!

The Sideshow Bobs announce that they know where they are. Good for them. DADT is scanning the waterways. MillieChuck are looking lost. Meanwhile, the Hot Mommas finally climb onto their boat, but they are looking even more lost than the others. So many clueless boatfuls of Americans in Dutch waters today. Meanwhile, the Cordelias finally arrive and Velma is complaining that Daphne, who is the driver of their boat, doesn't listen to her. The MillieChuck are arguing too. Millie the Mole is annoyed that Chuckles doesn't seem to know where he is going. The fact that she pestered him earlier to go without checking the map is conveniently forgotten by her. Chuckles are arguing - mumbling, actually - and thanks to the Barrs' remarkable powers of intuition, I find myself staring at the bizarre way Chuckle's jaws seem to have difficulty moving. He seems to have problem speaking normally. Maybe second-stage werewolves tend to have their human vocal chords halfway turned lupine. Eeuw, I feel a faint shudder of terror coming over me. The witch and the reanimated zombie werewolf - and to think I thought the demonlords Kabung and Kabang are horrifying enough!

Dan Barr says that they may as well follow the MillieChuck, who is leading the line of clueless to the way to the clue stand. Roseanne snaps that the two undeads are idiots who don't know what they are doing. DADT, who are close behind, finally realize that the MillieChucks really don't know where they are going and DADT are following the MillieChucks straight to the ocean if they are not careful. Chippo calls out that they are turning their boat around.

Meanwhile, the Sideshow Bobs find their clue first. I dislike their unfunny muggings, but I have to admit: they really know what they are doing on this Race. They discover that they must now do a Detour. A Detour is a task a team must perform, blah blah blah. They can choose to perform "15ft" or "500kg". Bizarre mixture of SI units with non-SI units aside, "15ft" requires contestants to wade through a fifteen-foot pile of cow manure and dig deep to find the next clue. "500kg" will require a Team to wear traditional wooden clogs, pick up cheese and pile them on a wooden stretcher, and bring exactly 500kg worth of cheese to the man nearby who awaits with the next clue. "15ft" is fast but disgusting, while "500kg" is clean but performing it will obviously take a longer time. The Sideshow Bobs choose to perform "15ft" and now has to drive in a designated car 12 miles down to find the Poopy Farm. In case there is any doubt what they have chosen to do, one of them yells at the camera, "Cow manure!" Oh shut up, Krusty.

Still on the River of Eternal Cluelessness, Millie the Mole is now blaming Chuckles for not following her advice to turn, wherever this turning direction is. She whines that she begged - begged! - him to turn but he just charges ahead nonetheless. Meanwhile, despite pegging the MillieChuck as idiots, it turns out that Barrs end up following the idiots after all. Now, Roseanne and Dan finally to turn around, with Roseanne mocking Millie the Mole's speech mannerisms as one last (juvenile) parting shot. Watching these two hating on the MillieChuck together when it's actually their fault for being stupid in the first time - aww, this, people, is true love. Roseanne and Dan deserve each other.

The Hot Mommas, left at the back, asks a passer-by (on land) for reassurance that they are heading in the right direction. When he nods, they charge on with high spirits. On the other hand, the Cordies are at it again. Daphne complains that Velma is not reading the map properly. Velma declares that she knows more than Daphne, and Daphne snaps back that Velma should be looking at the map instead of acting like a know-it-all. A brief scuffle ensues with each Cordy ripping for the map. A pity it doesn't tear and the two women end up falling off the boat. That would have certainly taught them to play nice together. They start calling each other names in mock sweetness but it isn't long before a thinly-veiled "Wow" turns into "Dumbass!"

Thankfully, before blood is spilled onto the waters of Amsterdam, we zoom off to follow the Sideshow Bobs as they make their way to Poopy Farm, led by their noses, apparently, as they comment that they can smell the, er, manure in the air. Hey, they are circus clowns after all. After smelling elephant and tiger and horse manure, what's a little cow manure?

Team DADT finally reach the Clue Stand. They wonder how high 15 ft is. Both look up at the sky, and in unison, choose to do "500kg" while laughing at their own cowardice. They have to make their way to the nearby market where the cheesy fun awaits.

Werewolf and Mole, looking sullenly at each other, decide to cut their losses and chase for the Fast Foward. Philo Koughie appears on screen, standing before a windmill he identifies as the Molen Van Sloten. Are the Dutch making fun of Millie's virgin status too? Philo explains the nature of this Fast Forward: each team member will be strapped on the windmill sail (one hundred eighty degrees away from each other). The windmill operator will then rotate the sails with the Team members stuck to them, and the Clue will be given after the Team has endured ten complete revolutions of the blades. This is a cool Fast Foward, the best so far. I wonder if Chuckles will get a panic attack and throw up.

It's now 12:54 pm. My, how time passes so slowly when the Teams are bickering and acting like Alzheimer-stricken confused geriartics lost in the middle of nowhere. The plane carrying the Oily Bohunks and the Incontinent Air finally arrives. We see those two getting on trains to reach the Magere Brug.

"I smell something good!" Shut up, Sideshow Bobs. They have reached Poopy Farm. They don jumpsuits and rubber gloves and boots and are making lots of self-conscious "look at us - we're funny, we really are!" hoo-hoo ha-ha sounds as they wade their way through the hill of dung.

"Let's do poo," Dan Barr suggests as they stand before the clue stand. "Poo?" Roseanne parrots in disbelief.

In their cab to the Millie Wants Slotting Windmill, Chuckles apologize in a most insincere only-to-placate manner to Millie the Mole for not turning the boat around earlier. Millie raises some compatibility issues in their relationship. Like he's gay and she's a shrew - what, she doesn't mean that? Oh, okay. Upon reaching the windmill, the windmill operator straps Millie onto a sail first, then turns the windmill a little so that he can now strap Chuckles. Chuckles says in a voiceover that the quiet time afforded by the windmill stint gives him time to reflect and calm down, and I hear Millie's screaming and Chuckles' wussy "Ah! Ah! Ah!" over the spinning of the windmill. It may be fun to ride the windmill, but watching it, however, is a different story. "Yeah!" Chuckles cries out when the whole thing is over. It's very convincing - if he's convincing me that he's really a zombie werewolf with speech problems, that is. The windmill operator hands over the clue envelope and - what's this? - a car key to the MillieChuck. They can now drive straight to the Pit Stop of this leg of the race: the old castle, Karsteel Muiderslot, in the nearby town of Muiden. Last team to reach the Pit Stop will be eliminated, the usual.

The Hot Mommas finally find their clue. They choose "15ft".

The Sideshow Bobs are trying their best to clown it up, throwing bits of poop around and using words like "weeniehead" to mock each other. This will be funny if I am ten and if I ever found clowns funny in the first place, but I never did because frankly, I hate clowns and I am not above kicking them in the shins if they ever stick their horribly overly-made up leery face with beady bleary eyes at me. Finally, the pile of manure gets fed up by its violation by the Sideshow Bobs and purges out the Clue for the clowns to find. The poop-smeared Clowns must now travel to the fishing village of Monnikendam. At the foot of the statue of "The Smoker", the next clue awaits. One of the clowns remove his boots and pulls off his soiled sock. And then he eats it. Kidding!

Kabung and Kabang have somehow managed to move ahead of the Oily Bohunks. They reach the Magere Brug first and climb onto a boat.

The Cordelias, now pretty much letting the boat just drift around as they stare in stony silence at nothing in particular, realize that they have ended up right where they started. At the rate they are going, they are really tempting fate to eliminate them from the Race. Daphne asks Velma finally where the latter wants to go. She admits in a voice-over that they have lost one and a half hour due to their "stupid bickering". She adds that Amsterdam sucks. To which Velma answers dryly, "I like Amsterdam." Seriously, these two are funny when they tone down their toxic arguments. I want them to stay on much much longer.

Kabung/Kabang says from the Incontinent Air boat, it's a lovely day.

The Oily Bohunks finally reach the Magere Brug and they waste no time jumping onto a boat. At the same time, the Cordelias finally reach the clue stand. Velma doesn't want to do poo, but Daphne says that at least they will get their hands warm. Now these women are scaring me.

The Barrs are going to Pooville, as Roseanne calls out cheerfully on their ride to the Poopy Farm. They notice the Sideshow Bobs leaving even as they drive towards the farm. The two cars stop briefly as Dan, who is driving, rolls down the window and asks the Sideshow Bobs whether the latter played with poo and whether it is fun. The Sideshow Bob double affirmatives Dan and then the two cars part ways in separate direction. Roseanne pretends to come on to Dan in her jumpsuit, while Dan steps onto a particularly soft spot in the pile of dung and says in a voiceover, "This is a juicy hole." To Roseanne, he says that they are on poo quicksand. "I got pooped!" he yells when he gets a plop of dung falling on him. This scene is so sweet.

DADT is clock-clock-clocking on their wooden clogs as they giggle - yes, giggle - and carry cheese across the marketplace filled with amused observers. Top Gun says that Chippo is pushing him - which is not quite possible unless he means Chippo, carrying the stretcher at the back, is trying to do obscene things with Top Gun using the handles of the stretcher. Chippo denies that he is pushing Top Gun. The locals laugh at these two weirdos. DADT weigh their first cheese load - um, no double entendres intended, really - and it's - ta-da! - 72kg. Oh boy, back for more cheese, you two.

"I found it!" Roseanne Barr shrieks, pulling out the clue - wrapped up in plastic - and waving it high above her head. "Holy sh... poo!" Dan Barr says in their cozy interview. Hee! Roseanne finds this as funny as I do and she laughs until she collapses on his lap. Who says the Thenardiers can't be funny? "Here a little dip, there a little touch, most of them are goners so they won't miss much...!" Back at the Poopy Farm, Dan wants to do a "high poo five". Roseanne asks to wait so that she can use her poo-smeared hand to do the "high poo five". They high-five, turn away from each other, and gag. I love this Team. Team Barrs all the way!

Top Gun is still telling Chippo to stop pushing him from behind as they carry an extra huge pile of cheese this time around. Funny, I always assumed Top Gun is, well, Top Gun. Looks like Chippo's the one on top in this relationship. Go, El Chippo! It's still not enough, although DADT has crossed the 282 kg mark. Back for more cheese. Chippo, stop playing with Top Gun like that. I think he's shy about open outdoor displays of affection.

Kabung and Kabang, probably high on morphine because they have completely lost all sense of urgency on this race, remark that the day is so fine and yes, they are still taking their time with their motorboating on Amsterdam. Why are they even on this show, may I ask? They think they signed for some Travel Channel Special or something? On the other hand, the Oily Bohunks are all about the urgency. For some reason, one of them says that the other one is driven by urgency to paddle the boat like crazy. Why would one paddle a motorboat? Either way, because Grampas Kabung and Kabang are probably right now exchanging bong sniffs and getting high even as their boat drifts off to the ocean, the Bohunks reach their clue first and quickly decides to jump into poo. Hopefully smearing poo on their faces and calling themselves the Poo Poo Tang will make them less dull and nondescript, although I doubt it. On the other hand, Kabung and Kabang decide to do cheese. One of them has a bad knee, and they want to carry 400 kg of cheese? Children, this is what happens when you do drugs. You lose your chance at winning a million dollars. So no to dope today.

One of the Hot Mommas say that she will never complain about changing her kid's diapers again as she reaches in deep into the pile of dung and pulls out the Clue. Their shoes are stuck! Ow, they fall straight down - plop! They's so hilarious to watch! It almost makes me want to have my own pile of 15ft dung hill in my backyard and invite everybody to play Find The Clue together.

DADT cheer and the crowd claps and make appreciate whistle and other noises when DADT finally unloads the 500th kg of cheese for the happy cheese kingpin, who then offers DADT the clue that tells them to go to Monnikendam. Chippo tries to hug the kingpin, but the kingpin isn't fond of hugging men that try to roger their partners with a wooden stretcher. I'll hug you, Chippo. Unlike Top Gun who's a bit on the surly and stereotypical porn-boy side, you're pretty cute.

The Sideshow Bobs by now have reached Monnikendam and they easily locate the Smoker statue, the statue actually depicting a guy smoking fish instead of sucking Camel. They open their clue and realize that they have to do a Road Block. Only one member can do a Road Block, blah blah blah. This person must have a firm grasp and likes sea food. He must grab twenty-one eels from a basket in a fishing boat and transfer them with his hands to a container on the pier wharf. Now the Sideshow Bobs try to act like WWE wrestlers to show off to the camera. Well, they and WWE wrestlers are equally fake and wear just as much make-up, so it's not as unappropriate as it first seems to be.

The MillieChuck reaches the Kasteel Muiderslot, first. What-FREAKING-ever. They win yet another stupid cruise and they talk about their relationship. I ignore them and focus on trying to summon some wind to lift the kilt of the cute VIP greeting the Racers beside Philo on the Finishing Mat. No, I don't succeed. I'm no Kabung and Kabang. Millie the Mole says that Chuckles doesn't trust her when it comes to making decisions. Chuckles say that Millie's idea of trust is doing everything Millie tells him to. Mind you, these two are sitting next to each other in a cozy room when they are spilling all this to the camera. Millie rolls up her eyes when Chuckles says that Millie's "trust" isn't "trust". It all makes sense why these two can stay with each other for twelve years while not even forming any intimate bonds of commitment. I'm not talking about sex - I find it odd that if you love each other, you don't really make any step to deepen the bond after twelve years. But watching these two dysfunctional losers trying to make me their Jerry Springer, I appreciate the mean-spirited Barrs better. I mean, the Barrs make a lot of noise, but they do seem to care for each other at the end of the day. The MillieChuck is like surgery minus anesthesia.

Anyway, the eel-grabbing Sideshow Bob grabs all twenty-five eels and they're off. Hey, who's that woman screaming in the background? She must be getting flashbacks to some evil clown that traumatized her when she was a kid.

Oh no, the Hot Mommas are having troubles with their vehicle. Just outside the Poopy Farm, their vehicle is stuck in some muddy spot. They try to push the vehicle out of the spot, but to no avail. "Why is this car not moving?" one of them wails. Please don't do this to me. I love this Team. If they get eliminated because of car problems, I will scream and throw something at the TV. One of them says that they cannot give up. But what can they do? The camera pans on the horizon - there is nothing but grass as far as the eye can see. Oh no.

Dan Barr decides to play with the eels. "Oh my God!" Roseanne shrieks when she sees the eels. Then, as Dan molests the eels like a complete professional, she leans over and asks what those eels feel like. "They feel like a slippery penis," Dan tells her. No, I don't even want to go there. "I want to touch one!" Roseanne quickly calls out. Jesus. I need to lie down for a while.

Meanwhile, a truck comes up the lane where the Hot Mommas are stuck. Tearfully, they flag the truck down and ask for help. The helpful truck driver obliges. Hurray! The Hot Mommas are back in the game! Thank you, Helpful Truck Driver, lots of air kisses to you.

The Sideshow Bobs step onto the Finishing Mat. Second. They seem to expect to come in first. Pfft!

The Cordelias are now driving to the Poopy Farm and they seem to be lost. Velma is driving, and boy, she is really ripping into Daphne, who is surprisingly meek at the back. I think Velma must have had it and seized the wheel from Daphne, because she is telling the latter that she doesn't "need a *bleep* bitch like you" and accusing Daphne of deliberately trying to make them lose. Daphne says she offered to drive, to which Velma tells her to stuff it because she is this close to punching her face out. Velma is on the roll. She says that the other Teams must have found the Poopy Farm in no time because their team partners aren't bossy but useless bitches like Daphne. Let's go somewhere else.

Hey, we now go to Kabung and Kabang playing with their cheese. Thank you, camera people. Anyway, these two idiots are doing their best to break the record when it comes to the time separating the last team from the second last. At the rate they are going, we may have to wait until Christmas for them to finish.

The Barrs high-five each other as they come in third before exchanging sloppy kisses.

The DADT and the Hot Mommas reach the Smoker statue within a short time from each other. Top Gun is good with eels - insert your own slippery penis jokes here - while the Hot Momma isn't too bad either - insert more slippery penis joke plus some NFL groupie ones if you're really in a nasty mood. They finish at almost the same time - no pun intended, trust me - and the Hot Mommas somewhat meekly as Top Gun if they can follow DADT to the Pit Stop. Top Gun says in a voiceover that the Hot Mommas is the only team he trusts on this Race.

Meanwhile, Velma is accusing Daphne of not reading the map while she is driving. She can't read the map and drive at the same time, she tells Daphne. She says she wants to rip Daphne's head off right now because Daphne is "evil". She is saying all this in a very calm monotone that is actually eerie to the ears. Daphne says somewhat incongrously that she doesn't want to hurt Velma. Velma snorts and says she wants to hurt Daphne very badly at this moment.

Bohunks in poo. Still dull. So dull, in fact, the show only gives them like three seconds of screentime before zipping back to the bickering Cordelias.

The Cordelias finally reach Poopy Farm. Velma wonders whether she is allowed to throw poo at Daphne. Really mature there, missy. Hey, Velma says she is sure that Daphne wants to throw some at her too. Let's everybody throw poo at everybody else then!

Kabung and Kabang are done. The crowd cheer. Damn. I hope they don't hex the Cordelias. Give me Cordelias to these horribly slow and nasty old men any time.

Velma says that her dog never released a dump as much as the hill they are looking at. Daphne is digging deep, but Velma spots the clue and daintily picks it up and waves it at Daphne's face. Daphne complains that Velma doesn't even get her hands dirty. Velma tells her she did. Ladies, please hush and just get on with the Race, please?

DADT comes in fourth, the Hot Mommas fifth.

The Oily Bohunks now are playing with eels.

Kabung and Kabang pulls up at the Smoker. No! Can the Statue fall on them and break another leg?

Daphne complains that she is doing all the work for the Team as she flings the poor eels into the container. Oh, so they're not behind Kabung and Kabang after all. Then we see Kabung/Kabang manhandling the eels as well. And then the Bohunks step on the Finishing Mat - sixth. The editing is really on crack now as evening starts to fall. Daphne stares outside the window as Velma drives to the Pit Stop and she says that while she doesn't want to be eliminated, a part of her will be relieved if they do. She has completely gone over the edge, I think, and is beyond caring anymore. On the other hand, Kabung/Kabang says that Incontinent Air not giving up. Then we see a car drive up, the headlights blinding me so that I cannot identify even the sex of the person behind the wheel. We see Philo squinting to look at the oncoming Team, while Mr Sexy Kiltman looks as if he's just counting the minutes to go home. Who's coming up the Finishing Mat? Who?

Like triumphant superheroines, complete with wind blowing Daphne's hair dramatically to her left side, the Cordelias step onto the Finishing Mat. Seventh. Velma can't believe it. Daphne says she's somewhat hoping to be eliminated. Daphne says in a voiceover that they are both relieved to be still on the Race, but she doesn't know how they will fare or where they will go from here. I would suggest kissing and making up at the Pit Stop and reorganizing one's priorities. Come on ladies, a million dollars. Surely you two can work together for that, at least?

As for the Incontinent Air, they finally get what's coming. They wheeze that see, they did run - at least once, now at least. They want to keep a cheese with them. I hope the Dutch Cheese Kingpin won't go after them. Philo sends them home, and Kabung and Kabang talk about how they miss their wives, et cetera, and how they did good for a couple of old farts. Um, no. The Tokens did good, Dave and Margaretta from the first season did good, but you two, the both of you seem to be under this assumption that you can just take a leisurely stroll and cut queues and people should let you remain on the show because you keep reminding everybody that you are old and fat. You did pathetic as a couple of old farts. Goodbye - you will not be missed.

Next week, Molested In Mumbai, a brand new soap opera, debuts on The Amazing Race 4. Stay tuned.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

• More