THE AMAZING RACE

Season 4 Episode 7: We're Going Down the Wrong Side of the Freeway... and the Lights Are Off!

Last week on The Amazing Race 4, the Racers came to Mumbai, India, where many of them learned that it's not all saris and rolling down grassy slopes while singing a Hindi love song in Mumbai. Some, like Top Gun, said he would sleep seeing hungry and ill-looking people in his dreams, while others, like Millie the Mole, announce that they want to help the children. Others, like the Barrs, don't give a damn and just trudge on. The Cordelias bond over a humiliating ordeal in an all-male train carriage. Everyone's hot and bothered, but in the end, someone has to go, and that's the Hot Mommas at the very last thanks to a major transportation screw-up. This week, we have six teams left. Who will be eliminated next?

Thanks Philo. Now be nice and wear some nice threads today, okay? We're in tropical climates now. Bring out the Speedos, buddy! Credits roll, a commercial break, I go check my teeth in the mirror, and then it's time for the Teams Are Departing And Psychobabbling First Ten Minutes of the show. Okay, let's get this done with quick.

Mumbai. The Pit Stop - Gateway of India. Philo explains that Mumbai has eighty million people but the size of the city is only one-tenth that of Los Angeles. Boy, MillieChuck must be glad they remain virgins.

12:51 am. The Oily Bohunks leave first. They rip open their envelope and read out the instructions. I almost fell asleep right there and then. For the sake of this show, I suggest we eliminate these losers now. Teams must take a train from the Panvel Station to the Ernakulam Junction. It's forty-three miles to Panvel, eight hundred and sixteen more to Ernakulam Junction. Oh boy, the ladies better start stocking up on cattle prods. The Bohunks talk about being fit and thoughtful and firing all cylinders and there are sixteen sheep jumping over the fence before hubby's snores cause me to jump and escape falling into a coma right there and then. I have to wake him up and we both agree that if the Bohunks cannot be eliminated today, we dub their voices in subsequent episodes using voice tracks from The Simpsons and South Park. Hairy Pornstar Bohunk should be saying "Eat my shorts, man!" and "I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!" while Shorty Shifty-eyed Bohunk will just keep saying "Ohmigod, they kill Kenny!" non-stop. All their Pit Stop Victory quotes should be redubbed to the South Park cast singing "Shut your ugly face, unclefarka!..." Nobody deserves to be inflicted with such indescribably horrific blandness.

12:52 am, another bland and boring team - or rather, Top Gun is the most boring Aryan doll in the world, while Chippo the Hairy Chimp makes such cute faces when he's pissed off - DADT is out and about. Chippo proves that while Top Gun looks like the dominant guy in this relationship, Chippo's the guy with the biggest balls in the land. Unfortunately, because Top Gun automatically defers to Top Chimp Chippo when Chippo speaks in an alpha way (just think the orangutan generals in Planet Of The Apes), they often make blunders thanks to Chippo's, er, lapses of judgment. I'm starting to think that these two aren't married, Chippo is actually Top Gun's pimp and they just want the million dollars to set up an adult film company to rival that of, er, I don't know, what's the biggest gay porn company around anyway? Falcon? (I got that name off the Internet when I typed in "gay adult film company" into Google, so don't look at me that way, okay?)

The Bohunks call ahead on a cell phone while they are in their cab, and learn that the Panvel train leaves only at 11:20 am. Meanwhile, DADT walks back to the hotel and speaks to the concierge about booking a cab to Panvel. When the cab arrives, Top Gun asks whether they have enough fuel. As we shall soon see, DADT's preoccuption with fuel will lead to problems later on the Race. It's a smart thing, checking of fuel, but sometimes, "smart" doesn't translate to "lucky".

At 1:19 am, the Barrs are allowed to leave. Roseanne calls herself a "high maintenance" woman and yet at the same time she thinks Dan is being selfish and not including her in team decisions. She grabs the clue from Dan with a terse "I wanna see it!" and adds in a voiceover that they will get along fine if Dan accepts her as an equal team member. Except when they are doing Roadblocks, which, of course Dan will do everything. They call a cab. They learn that it's probably better to take the cab to the nearer Victoria Station and from there, get the train to Panvel.

1:34 am. Virgin Moley and the Werewolf look like death without a pity warm-up. Millie says that she and Chuckles had a long talk during the Pit Stop - is this the same talk they had in the Pit Stop before this one? - and now they are tired of fighting and they want to treat each other nicely from now on. Of course, she's the one doing all this talking. I suspect that it was the same the night before, with Millie just going on and on while Chuckles the Werewolf just sits there with blank look, not really listening but imagining himself in a meat double-decker sandwich with Top Gun, Chippo, and Dan Barr.

1:36 am. The Cordelias feel great today! Daphne wants them to be the first all-gal team to win this Race. Me too, ladies, me too. It's funny, this team - they are bitchy and sometimes are as bad as the most virulently bitchy couples around, but at the same time, they are also currently the most interesting team on the Race. Daphne's kickass pushiness and Velma's often acerbic wit play each other off beautifully. I think it will really be nice if we have a Team consisting of some tough ladies like Rambette Girl from Season Three and Daphne here. We get male alpha teams every season, but the women are never too promising. The best, like the Hot Mommas, are dogged by bad luck. Sigh.

Anyway, back to the show. The Sideshow Bobs depart at 1:37 am. They say that coming in second last during the previous leg is just "too close" for them and now they are going to work harder and focus closer to the Race. This is, of course, yet another variation of the "Push!" yammerings they have been giving since the show began. They learn from their cab driver about the nearer Victoria Station, with the driver helpfully adding that it's cheaper to take a train from Victoria to Panvel than to take a cab straight to Panvel. Okay, the Sideshow Bobs say, he's the man.

Speaking of Victoria Station, the Barrs reach there. We see a row of homeless people sleeping outside the train station. Dogs look up, seeing that it's only their relatives visiting, nod at Roseanne and Dan the way one would greet unwanted pesky relatives dropping by, and go back to sleep. They learn that nobody sells tickets to you at one something in the morning. They will have to wait until 4:00 am for the counter to open. They are not happy, but they have no choice but to go back to their hotel. In the meantime, the Sideshow Bobs are pulling up too, with the cab driver pointing out the ticket counter and then thoughtfully adding that it isn't open until 4:00 am. The clowns too decide to turn back for their hotels, and the smart cabbie guy has earned himself some extra changes for the night. The Barrs crack a joke about how "nobody is partying on Friday night". Yeah, wait until a mob surround your cab and push it over. Then it's a party alright. Dan asks for fun nightspots to hang out. Thankfully, he's not serious, or the cab driver would have driven him straight to the local transvestite brothel, the cops will raid the brothel, and the scandal will destroy the show. The Barrs argue briefly about the time to leave for the station. Dan wants to leave at 7:00 am, but Roseanne wants to leave at 6:00 am to avoid the rush hour bum-punching women-molesting traffic on the train. Roseanne insists that it's 6:00 am or nothing, upon which Dan agrees and rubs something off her shoulder. Hey, if Homer loves Marge, Dan loves Roseanne too, I guess. It's kinda sweet, really. Besides, people, remember: gargoyles need love too.

On the road to Panvel, the Cordelias are being scared out of their wits. It is dark and their cab driver is not only speeding, he is also driving on the wrong side of the road! "We're going down the wrong side of the freeway... and the lights are off!" Daphne gasps. Welcome to Third World Freeway Driving. This is nothing. I invite Daphne and Velma to sit on my Malaysian nephew's car when he's speeding down the Bukit Ceraka highway. My husband still swears today that we are just lucky the car didn't hit a rock and send us hurtling straight to the moon. Finally the Cordies' cab driver manages to drive back to the correct side of the freeway and Velma breaths a "Thank God!" in relief. I wonder whether the Bohunks and the DADT's cabs are speeding on the wrong side of the freeway too. Then again, knowing boys with toys, they're probably cheering their cab drivers to run down a few cows for fun.

The Bohunks climb out of their cab to find themselves at what seems to be the middle of nowhere. They knock on a wooden building and a few irate-looking people peer out the doorway. It turns out that the Bohunks are at the old Panvel station. The Bohunks are not amused and as they climb back into their cabs, one of them mutter something about being surprised at the condition of the station. Where's the desert? Is it nearby? ("I will personally smite India to bits if anybody dares sacrifice the two useless dull pieces of meat to me!" - your friendly Hindu goddess of death, Kali.) Then they reach the actual station, and not surprisingly, the ticket counters are not opened yet. The Bohunks consider sleeping on the floor, but they are unnerved when men start gathering around and staring at them in a Children Of The Corn moment. That reminds me - have the Bohunks bathed before they leave? Finally, the Bohunks, remembering talks of desert sacrifices ("Shut up! I don't want these two! Don't waste your sharp blades on them on my behalf or I will send an infestation of poisonous scorpions on you!" - Kali), quickly decides to go seek a hotel for what's left of the night. I hope these people follow and then stare right at the Bohunks through the window. In fact, let's pay a bunch of Indian guys to follow these Bohunks for the rest of the race. Where they go, they will find Indian guys standing and staring at them. I guarantee those two will have a mental breakdown in no time.

After the Bohunks have fled the Stare Of The Scaries, the DADT, the MillieChucks, and the Cordelias pull up at the Panvel Station in that order. It is still dark. The Cordelias greet Chippo warmly (Daphne: "We almost got killed. You have no idea!"), and Chippo is just as friendly: "Welcome to Fantasy Island!" Aw, Chippo the Chimp is my boyfriend this season. Have you seen the size and length of his thumbs? They are as long as his second finger. I bet he can do amazing... deep... things... with his hands. Everybody decides to sleep there on the station together. Top Gun says that it isn't the most pleasant experience he's had, but they made do. Nitey night, everybody. Wake me up when the choo-choo comes a-callin'.

Morning is coming. At the Victoria Station, the Barrs are at the station. Dan Barr quite sarcastically points out that the train isn't crowded and there won't be a lot of molestation going on today. Roseanne snorts and tells him that it's always better to be safe than sorry. Why isn't he being happy for her? Jerk! They take the 6:40 am train.

Oh look, the Sideshow Bobs are at the station and unknown to them, they have just missed the train the Barrs are on. One of them stops and hands over a donut to a homeless guy. They talk about wanting to be good fathers after this Grand Epiphany of theirs and how they realize things can always be better - oh cry me a river. The huge porportion of the more insipid TAR fans that have nothing to do every week but to sit down on their message board courthouses and pass judgments on the Racers' personalities (DADT - too childish, Hot Mommas - too rich and not worthy and worse, they pray on the show so they are judgmental freaks, etc) will probably be now saying that the Sideshow Bobs are the only ones worthy of winning this show, but me, I am still unmoved. Yeah, they feel sorry for the homeless and they pass a donut to one of the homeless guys. How touching, truly. It's the 7:10 am train for them.

Roseanne is glad that they are not packed like sardines in the train, but she is not so reassured by the scary looking men around her. She asks Dan to stand behind her to, I guess, shield her bum or something. He does just that - and pinches her bum. She shrieks and jumps, and as he - and we Giggles - burst into merry laughter, she smacks him on the arm and tells him that she is not speaking to him for twenty-four hours. But she's speaking to him when they disembark, muttering that he so shouldn't have done that. This is so funny, especially how he then tries to make amends by putting his arm around her and she just flatly smack it away. If you expect me to preach about how nasty Dan is, forget it. I don't watch this show to indulge in morality tracts, and to be blunt, right now this team is fast becoming a favorite of mine. I'm mean and evil, and the Barrs are perfect TV for me. Roseanne searches for the Sideshow Bobs, asks about them, and upon learning that the Sideshow Bobs aren't here, skip rather merrily along. I think she actually likes being pinched in the butt by Dan, good for her, that hussy!

In the meantime, the remaining teams awake just as the Oily Bohunks walk into the Panvel Station. The Sideshow Bobs also arrive. A dog noticeably panics and runs away at the Sideshow Bobs' approach, no doubt terrified that the clowns will attempt to balance it on their noses. All teams are reunited, and they all greet each other, although the warmth displayed by the DADT and the Cordelias are missing here, and later, when the "sleeper class train" arrives, Chippo offers to let the Sideshow Bobs board first. "Age before beauty," our Simian Boy Wonder Chippo tells the men graciously. The train looks as if it has just barely survived a trip through the most wartorn areas of the Pakistan-India borders, which explains the Racers' viewing the train askance. The interior of the train isn't any worse: let's just say if they use this train in Schindler's List II as a slave transportation train, it wouldn't need too much renovation. The walls and the floors are filthy, and equally filthy-looking passengers are sleeping in every spot they can't find. Top Gun complains about how the stench of the train makes him want to gag. "I feel like we're all packed in here like we're getting ready to go to the gas chamber or something," Velma moans. Honey, get used to it - the gas chamber we're talking about may be filled with a million dollars, so really, it's not that bad. One of the Oily Bohunks offer a consoling nugget of wisdom: "No need to sleep in this dirt." I'm starting to understand why this show refuses to show the Oily Bohunks unless they really have to. These two losers are not only boring, the things they say on TV will make the rest of the world believe that Americans are ignorant, ugly, Republican losers that emulate Darling Dubby in trying to say the worst possible things at the worst time. Americans, you may be looking at two future Presidents right here.

The Sideshow Bobs learn that one can pay an extra sixteen dollars (American currency, of course) and the ever-helpful train attendant will let them "upgrade" to the slightly better coaches. All teams spring for it except for the MillieChuck, who for some reason decide to save money and rough out the crowded spaces and stench. While the Cordelias cuddle up and rest, bland sticks with the bland, so the Oily Bohunks and the Sideshow Bobs sit together in one compartment to see who can drive who into a coma first, while DADT and the Barrs sit together. Top Gun thanks the train guy as he pays the man - I notice that despite their faults, DADT always thank everyone they meet cordially and graciously - and even tries a little smalltalk by asking the man, "How do you say 'thank you' in Hindi?" The train guy deadpans, "Thank you in Hindi." Top Gun laughs. Oh my, he may have a sense of humor after all.

Morning passes to evening, evening to night, and soon, the next day is dawning. The Cordelias wake up and enjoy the view outside the windows of their upgraded compartments. Velma deadpans that this is like sleeping in the Ritz - "freaking awesome!" They had a great night's sleep, she explains, and now everything's just sunny and fine in their world.

Meanwhile, back in third class where they belong, Millie the Mole says that it is an eye-opener to look outside the window and "see how the other half of the world lives". Honey, India is a densely populated country, but it's far from "half the world". Come to China. It's much better. India's social problems are unique in that most of them are very complicated: the caste system makes it such that there are people that believe they rightfully belong in the filth and dirt. Then we have the severe corruption in the administration, with the central government unable to control the officials running each state as if it's their own personal Zanzibar. There are people starving even as there are stockpiles of grain rotting away in warehouses. I'm not saying that India doesn't need help - the common people do, definitely - but I'm also uneasy with ignorant Americans coming here to see India and then tar the "other half" of the world as being as backwards as India. Just keep an open mind, shut up on the armchair social rhetorics, and just run the race, that's all I'm saying. Leave the bad armchair social rhetorics to CNN. Anyway, back to the show, Millie is saying that she and the Werewolf haven't formed a close bond to other Teams. Not even with the Sideshow Bobs? Chuckles adds that he feels better not being around the others because it's like being in fifth grade all over again. Millie adds that sometimes, the others say things, and leaves it vaguely at that.

As if to prove their point, at this very moment the Barrs and the DADT are laughing uproariously as the Barrs mock savagely at the MillieChuck. Chippo the Simian Speed Racer says it's okay that they all make fun of each other. Roseanne then does the Austin Powers MillieMoleMillieMole thing that sends the DADT into painful-looking convulsions of laughter. Dan parodies Chuckles' werewolf style of talking and more laughter from the very easily amused DADT. There must be a distinct lack of ha-ha's in their lives. Dan invites DADT on a "moleymoleymoley" singalong, which Simian King Chippo sensibly turns down. Dan adds, "I think the mole is growing throughout the Race just because of stress. I'm not even kidding!" Everybody laughs as if it's the funniest thing ever. Okay, it's not well done of us Giggles, but we are laughing too. We can't help it. The camera then pans to Millie staring blankly upwards, that Mole in full focus, and we laugh again. Can she hear them? Am I evil to hope that she does and to want her to walk right there and start a fistfight with Roseanne?

Choo-choo! We've arrived at Ernakulam Junction! The Teams, all camarederie forgotten, dash down the train and begin racing for the cabs. The Oily Bohunks jump into a cab first and asks the driver to go faster and faster and faster. Teams must now keep an eye on the sides of the road. The next clue is located at the foot of a specially marked billboard down the Highway 47 that they must now travel. Team DADT change cabs because the first cab apparently doesn't have enough fuel. The Oily Bohunks speak to their cab driver, asking his name, and the man says his name is Money. Actually, I suspect it is Mani, a common Indian name, but the stupid Bohunks immediately start a sing-song about "Money Man". See, I told you - they are nothing more than stupid overgrown beach bums. Give them a million dollars and watch them waste every dollar on sports cars and fast women. At least if we give the money to Millie the Mole she can use it to get that mole removed or something. Bah.

The Barrs hoot gleefully as their cab passes the MillieChuck's. Millie the Mole sighs dramatically and tells Chuckles to ask the driver to move faster. Roseanne waves at Millie as the MillieChuck passes them once more, and is inexplicably annoyed that Millie the Mole doesn't wave back. Millie instead ducks her head and covers her face with the collar of her sweater. (Overreacting much, no?) Roseanne tells Dan that Millie doesn't like them! I was like, "Wow, no kidding." Dan seems put out that Millie doesn't wave back at them. Oh no, the MillieChucks don't like the Barrs, and I tell you, Sunday comes after Saturday. Bet you didn't know that, huh? The Cordelias complain that there are thousands of the signs on the road - it is so hard to locate the correct sign. Team DADT realizes that while their cab has a tank full of fuel, the driver is slower than a three-legged tortoise. Or as Top Gun puts it, "slower than my grandpa but he knows what he is doing". Cue the cab driver sniffing as if he's been drinking a little too much already. Oh dear.

The Bohunks are wondering whether they have missed the sign when lo, there it is! Yelling at the cab to stop, they then dash down and run across the highway. No, they didn't get run down. No, the Clue doesn't ask them to take their cab to the desert, take off their clothes, and lie there for sixty hours. No, nobody stare at them. But somebody should, if only because I really don't like them at all. The clue asks them to take the cab to a sports field at the village of Alleppy which is twenty-five miles away from the sign. They ask Mani the Money Man to drive faster. I wish Mani the Money will suddenly speak in perfect English, "Shut the heck up already!" That will show those two.

The Cordelias, the MillieChucks, and the Sideshow Bobs spot the sign at pretty much the same time. Chuckles manfully rips at the clue envelope only to sigh in disappointment when it isn't the guide to breaking the zombie reanimation spell that Millie the Mole cast on him. The Sideshow Bobs move past the Cordelias as everybody race down the road to Alleppy. Daphne tells her cab driver to catch up with the clowns. The MillieChuck's cab runs out of fuel - a fate Chuckles will no doubt be familiar with - and they have to stop to retank. Chuckles tells Millie to keep an eye out on teams that pass them while he, er, watches the cab driver refuel or something. I wonder what he wants Millie to do when a team passes them by - jump in front of the cab and scream "Stop in the name of my hymen!"? Indeed, the Barrs soon whisk past them. Roseanne squints at the two bizarros on the roadside and wonders aloud who may they be. Dan squints and says that it's "Millie Mole". Poor Chuckles. Even the Barrs don't have it to notice you, much less mock you. Chuckles remarks that the MillieChuck are suffering from bad cab problems. Gee, Chuckles, and do tell me, what color is the sky again?

Meanwhile, Team DADT must be really wishing that it's Top Gun's granpa that's doing the driving because only now do they pull up at the correct sign to read the clue. Meanwhile, MillieChuck's cab has degenerated from No Fuel to Smoking Ominously, causing Millie to go, "Ohmigosh, ohmigosh, ohmigosh!" After all, it's the most virile scene she has come across in her life. Chuckles explain that the cab is now overheating. Must be their suppressed sexual frustrations causing the car engines to implode. Let this be lesson to all you people out there: we must all get naked and have sex as often as possible so that our engines don't get overheated and stall, you hear? Millie the Mole stares at the cab driver as the cab driver pours water into the radiator. If one wants to be mean, one can crack jokes about her being envious of the radiator. One thing's for certain though, I don't think she's all about the children of Mumbai anymore. Oh, and still lagging at the end, the DADT's cab runs out of gas as well. The cab driver asks them to pay for the fuel, and after some indignant sputtering, Top Gun hands over the money. The MillieChuck's cab is now running again, and so they're off, leaving the poor DADTs to really, really wish that Top Gun's granpa is here.

Meanwhile, the Oily Bohunks have reached Allepy, the Sideshow Bobs close behind, and they dash across the muddy fields to reach the Route Marker. Ta-da, it's Roadblock time! This time around, one team member must go grab on to a wooden bar attached to a buffalo. Sexy Indian guys in very nice short short tighties (purple, green, blue, it's a rainbow of sexy tighties here) will lead the buffalo across the muddy ground, dragging the team member to the finishing line upon which the member will receive the next clue. Anybody who can't complete this task has to start again - and if there is a line formed, he or she will have to move to the back of the line. Philo, wearing a really sexy brown shirt with the collar a little too low for decency, explains it all. I wish shirts like that don't come with buttons. Then I remember Philo's manboobs that come and go at the strangest moments and I love buttons all over again.

Chippo the Chimpy Chump blames himself for not choosing a better cab driver. They are now crawling slowly towards Allepy. Top Gun is silent. He'll follow Chippo quietly straight down the road to disaster. Meanwhile, Dan relives his infatuation with Daphne as he urges his cab to overtake the Cordelias'. Daphne rolls up her eyes.

One of the Bohunks return to the primordial ooze of feces and mud that spawned him when he is dragged across the mud. The other Bohunk shrieks, "Don't let go! Hold on tight!" I knew it - gay, both of them. I feel so sorry for the gay community - you guys don't deserve to be bored stupid his way. The dirty and disgusting Bohunk staggers to his feet looking like Dung Thing, Swamp Thing's more ugly brother, and he says that he wished he had remembered to remove his clothes before he played with mud.

"Does this mean that the models will get naked?" hubby asks a little too excitedly for my liking. Then I remember Chippo and I get a little bit too excited for his liking. But we all agree that MillieChuck can keep their clothes on.

Anyway, the Bohunks must now take a cab to a place called Beach Road. The Sideshow Bobs have little problem hanging on as well, and soon they are on their way. I feel so sorry for the cab drivers.

The Cordelias face a problem, however. Daphne - what, you expect Velma to do a Roadblock? - let go the first time. Dan Barr takes over and easily finishes the Roadblock, especially with Roseanne's loving shrill heckling spurring him on. The man, hearing Roseanne, must be clinging to the bar hard for dear life. "That was yucky," he says as he quickly rinses himself from a trough near the finishing line. Roseanne reads the clue aloud, and then they are off.

The second time around for Daphne, the strap holding the wooden bar breaks. She says that she is having problems holding on, and a man actually tells her to hold on properly. Incidentally, this sport is one that is done only by men in India. Judging from the set-up of this game which very heavily relies on the brute strength of the upper body, I would expect this show to deliberately want to lose its all-female teams. Bonghammer, do you seriously believe that guys will want to watch an all-male finals? You think I want to watch a final showdown between the Sideshow Bobs and the Bohunks? That's like watching Comatose and Lethargy duelling it out for the big fight to the finish. The next time out, I suggest you, Bonghammer, to seriously consider casting two female bodybuilder Racers if you insist on stacking the odds against all-female teams on this show. Meanwhile, Velma is calling out that Daphne is a "surfer chick" and "surfer chicks hang on".

Meanwhile, the MillieChucks pull up. Millie is openly praying that it is a Roadblock, upon which she pretty much orders Chuckles to do it even before they read what the clue says.

After one more failure, Daphne finally completes the task. She checks her top to see whether she is giving anybody a free show ("I hate gravity and friction! They're not large in magnitude enough! Let's all move to a smaller planet!" hubby - a geek if you can't tell - complains) and then runs to meet a joyous Velma who tells her she rocks.

Finally, Team DADT reaches Alleppy. But they can't seem to find the field and starts asking for directions. Good grief.

In their cab, Daphne is laughing. Velma says that Daphne looks "sexy as s**t right now with all that mud on you." Daphne says that hey, whatever, at least she's getting a facial. Velma asks thoughtfully whether all that mud back there is "strictly mud". Daphne admits, "Probably not." See, they are a fun team! I like them, and not just because they're the last of the tolerable women on this show.

Chuckles holds on to the wooden bar, and probably has lots of fun doing it. Top Gun says that he is dragged through the mud and bull feces for about a hundred yards and it's the most disgusting thing he has ever experienced. I am very tempted to make a bad and no doubt distasteful joke about anal sex here, but I'm a much better person than this, really. He is still complaining to Chippo in the cab that they are still "f**king last" despite his having gotten his pretty Ken Doll face dirty.

On the road, the Oily Bohunks are ahead. The desert, cab driver, the desert! ("Shut up! Don't give him any ideas!" - Kali.) The Sideshow Bob that did the Roadblock takes off his shirt and change in the cab. This is not fair. Of all the guys on this show, I get to see this one shirtless. Why can't my Chippo the Monkey Love Man get shirtless? I hate this show! The Barrs stare ahead, all filled with urgency as they urge their cab driver to go faster. The Cordelias say that one mistake on this leg can bring about an elimination. Behind them, MillieChuck sit stonily in the cab, thinking lovely thoughts about wrapping their fingers around each other's throats and squeezing really hard.

The Bohunks reach Beach Road first and grabs the clue. Now they must do a detour, "baskets" or "trunks". Is that a gay swimsuit orgy thing? Philo comes out to explain that it's not a Speedo fetish detour but a fairly less salty one: "baskets" will require the team to carry ten chickens in a basket using a bicycle to a farm indicated on a map. This one is fast - if you can cycle and read maps fast, that is. "Trunks" will require the team to carry a bundle of fabric onto an elephant and then let it take you slowly to a shop indicated on the map. You have to read the map yourself, but the speed you will travel will depend on the elephant's whimsy and mood. Since everybody wants to ride an elephant in India, the Bohunks and the next team to reach Beach Road, the Sideshow Bobs all want to ride the elephant. The Barrs run in and Roseanne screams in excitement when she learns that she can ride an elephant. What's with all these people and elephants? My husband at one time worked at the zoo and I get to know the elephants there very well. They smell, they are a little bit dim, although I admit they are very friendly and even adorable once they know you better. Riding one, however, is an overrated experience, unless you're seated on those elaborate and ornate elephant throne seats made for maharajahs. I still think doggies are better buddies than elephants - they're also easier to clean up after.

Speaking of overrated, the Bohunks complain that the elephant's spine is close to their skin "and so you feel it right up the old, uh... you know, friendly family there." Between Survivor Jabba's "dark place" and the Bohunks' "friendly family", reality TV shows are slowly killing my braincells. Incidentally, the Bohunks must be a riot to have at strip poker or dirty scrabble tournaments. "Hiya baby, let's get drunk and let our families say hi to each other!" must be their favorite pick-up line. Like I said, things at LA have certainly changed since those Bohunks overrun the place. The Sideshow Bobs concur that it is "very painful" for them, but thankfully stops short of going further.

The Cordelias also choose to do the "trunks". Daphne says in a voice-over that she believes that "basket" will be faster, but since Velma so dearly wants to ride on an elephant, she decides to hold her peace. It is a costly mistake, as they will soon learn. Then they realize that they have gotten onto the elephant without picking up the bundle of fabrics first. Let's just say once an elephant stands up, it takes a little while for it to sit back down to let you get off. Not too long for well-trained elephants - maybe a minute or two - but in this Race, even a minute delay can cost one dearly. The MillieChucks, also choosing "trunks", take the opportunity to overtake the Cordies.

Team DADT, left at last place, realizes that every other team are gone. Believing that they need to be fast, they decide to do "baskets". Ten chickens are dumped unceremoniously into a basket, loaded on the back of the bike, and then Top Gun is off, with Chippo the Running Chimp running to catch up. "Top Gun looks fitter, he's an ex-Army guy right?" hubby wonders. "Why is that monkey-faced guy doing all the tough jobs on this Race?" Good question. But like I said, Chippo wants to show the world that his balls are the biggest, so hey, there he goes!

Dan Barr is in pain, and he vocalizes it loudly. Roseanne sneers at him, dismissing his pain as trivial because, as she puts it, "I have chains up my cookie!" Shall I call her Cookie from now on? Nah, too easy. "I'd rather have gotten dragged for two hours by the bulls in poop than go on that elephant for five minutes," Dan tells the camera in their cozy room interview. Roseanne adds that her cookie is really killing her.

No comments from MillieChuck though. Rumors have it, it is the elephant that suffers from spinal frostbite at the end of the day. Okay, I'm so going to hell. Where's my ticket?

Oh look, the Bohunks have found the fabric shop. Oh damn, so have the Sideshow Bobs. Philo announces that the Pit Stop for this leg of the race is the Finishing Point, a rather overglamorized TAR-only name for the finishing line spot of the local boat race track. Last team will be eliminated.

"I don't get it. Isn't the seventh episode usually the non-elimination round?" hubby asks.

Not really, I think. Unlike some fans who choose to believe that Philo is just jerking viewers around, I buy his word that this is the elimination round. Someone is going home today. And by the looks of it, it won't be the Bohunks or the Sideshow Bobs. Damn.

The Barrs realize that they have been going the wrong way.

The MillieChucks are also having troubles with navigation.

Meanwhile, DADT is slowly melting down. Top Gun is biking and Chippo is starting to find it hard to keep up. He pauses to ask for directions and then yells for Top Gun to stop, go back, and then turn right. Top Gun asks sharply whether Chippo is sure (ah, I see someone is starting to learn that Chippo isn't always right) and whether Chippo is reading the map right. Chippo sighs in exasperation and says, "Honey, I think so." So they all turn right. Don't worry, conservative right-wing folks, it's just a literal "turn right" thing and not a figure of speech. You should be more worried about the Bohunks.

The Oily Bohunks are now running towards the Finishing Point, accompanied by local boys running beside them. Don't, kids, you'll terrify them into running even faster. Philo tells them they are the "first team to arrive". Hmm, sounds like a non-elimination round, but Philo did say someone will be eliminated today. The Bohunks win another stupid seven-day cruise to some stupid place in Europe. I'm starting to really fear the possibility of these two lummox oafs winning this race. Come on, after the Esquire Lawyers and the Boston Bulldogs winning Seasons One and Two respectively, if the Oily Bohunks win this one, I suggest we rename this race The Amazingly Personality-Free Colorless Alpha Male Race: Who Will Bore You To Death First... Tonight!. Oh, and Philo tells the mud-stained Bohunk that the man needs a bath. And Dung Thing also needs a personality, but I guess a bath will be easier to manage.

The Sideshow Bobs are second. Not bad, boys. Not bad at all.

The Barrs now send off their bundle to the shopkeeper, and as they leave in their little tuk-tuk cab, the MillieChucks reach the shop.

Meanwhile, the Cordelias are trying to figure out where they should go. DADT too is having some problems - they first come to the wrong chicken farm and then they find themselves caught in a minor jam when a car blocks the lane they want to enter. Fatigue is setting in on the guys. Then the Cordelias have found the shop - just as the DADT has found the chicken farm! As the Cordelias start to dash to the Finishing Point, Top Gun slowly unloads the chicken one by one. Come on, the chickens will all be slaughtered anyway - just throw the whole basket down already and go!

The Barrs are third. The MillieChuck fourth.

No! Having to watch Team DADT or the Cordelias being eliminated - they're both my favorite teams. How am I supposed to watch this? Go back, go back, send the Bohunks to the desert, just go back, GOOOOO BAAAAACK! Then the DADT come into view. NOOOO! Not the Cordies! No, no, no!

The DADTs hug each other. It's a little awkward, but then again, I understand that the show people told gay couples on this show to tone down their displays of affection. Seeing as to how Singapore censors most of DADT's even slightly affectionate interactions, I don't blame DADT for awkward displays of affection. Maybe one day, boys, you'll be able to fit in well with the rest of the world. Let's just hope.

The Cordelias step up to the Finishing Mat just barely a minute later. Velma looks especially stunned to learn that they are the last team to arrive and that they are eliminated. "What? You're shitting me," she says to Philo. In her voice-over, Daphne says that she doesn't regret this whole adventure, and they did the best they could. Velma brings up that they have just started to work together as a team, upon which Daphne places her hand over Velma's knee and only half-jokingly says that their fighting must have something good, because they lost the moment they stop fighting!

Aw, come on girls, you lost by less than a minute, if Top Gun's mother is to be believed (she said in some forum that Top Gun emailed her and said that only around twenty seconds separated DADT and the Cordies). It's almost random. Blame it on the elephant, blame it on Bonghammer's bad game design that forces you to compete against the men in a sport designed for men, but don't blame it on yourselves. You two did an amazing job this leg and you go out with a bang. Your departure will cause the rest of the episodes to be a little less interesting now that the colorful Daphne and Velma are gone. Sigh. I never know how fond I am of this team until I actually see them being eliminated by Philo.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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