SURVIVOR

Vanuatu Episode 3: Double Tribal, Double Trouble

Previously, Dolly dithered and swung herself out of the game. The show received a mild boost in the cool-o-rama factor when Burnetto forces the men and the women to rub against their own tribemembers. Hey, when one is desperate, there's always the gay stunt to fall back on to get people talking again. Just ask Britney and Madonna. But Vanuatu is still a one-bore-boo and the only way this show can be saved is if an alien mothership makes a surprise appearance in a twist of some sort and blasts every single one of the hypocritical, self-righteous, and utterly useless Burly Girls and Old Bunch to dust, leaving the dim-witted Bowheads and Young Studs to copulate away on the island for our merry X-rated pleasure. Not that I care about seeing these supposedly "young hot" people naked, but I'd take them compared to a Final Four of Twila, Scout, Chris the Slug, and Bubba. That will be hideous to watch.

Credits. They're trying so hard to turn Brady into the new Colby in the credits but unless Brady can extricate himself from the Next To Go list etched in stone and written with the blood of the Young Studs in JLo (or when Burnetto pulls a tribe switch), he and his Young Stud allies are in line to get the boot.

Night six, after Tribal Council. At Camp Yazoo, Elazya has to face the wrath of her Bowhead buddies for turning on Dolly earlier. Elazya recaps for those lucky people who missed the last episode that Dolly thought she was a swing vote but instead the Yazoos swinged her out of the tribe. Oh well, sheep happens. Mia and Julie confront Elazya, demanding to know where the extra vote that sealed Dolly's fate came from. It's a rhetorical question but it's a step up of an outright hair-pulling bitchfight. Elazya's defense is that she is afraid that Dolly, who said she would vote at random, would have one of her weird moods and end up eliminating Elazya and That Will Not Do. Mia, who obviously doesn't understand why Elazya would want to fight to stay on the game (sorority sisterhood over a million dollars and all that), tells the camera that she trusts only Julie and Lisa now. Heh, she trusts Lisa. But I'm getting ahead of myself. She tells the camera further that when morning comes, the Bowhead will have a serious discussion about were Elazya's loyalties lie. Or, as she says, "where her head was at". I'd say it's up Elazya's own ass, but that's not very likely, I suppose, seeing that she probably can't tell her head from her bottom.

Day seven, Camp JLo. Well, since there is a Black man on the tribe, it can only be time for the mandatory Look At That Crazy Old Lazy Black Guy montage viewers of this show can expect every season. Remember lazyass Gervase and crazyass Alicia? How about that lunatic Loonda's rantings about Mother Africa? Oh, Ja Tool's racist ramblings and laziness in Marquesas, those were the days, and did I mention InVeeSible the lazyass invisible creature? The Saggy Manboobs and Cow fatal attraction saga is so cool, isn't it? Look, Hosannah the Bride of Satan is waving her palm at C Girl in Amazon! Osten quits in Pearl Islands and T&A is just plain lazy. Well, in the grand tradition of Black People Against Burnetto epic moments, it's time for Rory to act like crazyass to entertain the TV audience. I guess Burnetto finds these crazyass people from mental institutions or on the streets. The few decent, sane Black men, he pops them over to Donald Trump. He still doesn't know where to find sane Black women, though.

Anyway, back at Camp JLo, whose namesake's dating P Diddy once upon a time may or may not have anything to do with the Burnetto Against Black People theme of this show, the men are hard at work on their shelter. I don't know what they want to do with it. Maybe they want to erect a shrine for the Spirit Stone. Or a huge sign saying "Muskula Hot Hunks Kepp Owt - Fat An Uglis Onli" (a bouquet of thanks must be handed to Bubba for his dedicated work on the sign) over the entrance. Rory wanders alone to gather lemons for his fellow JLos. There's a really bad joke in there about life and lemons. Lea tells the camera that Rory isn't doing his share of physical work (because scouraging for lemons require only telepathy) and Rory isn't a team player. Which explains why he keeps Rory at the end of the day... oops, getting ahead of myself again as usual. He pulls Rory aside to tell the man that Rory isn't endearing himself to the JLos by keeping to himself and giving this impression that he isn't contributing to his share of the workload. I'm sure the JLos enjoy the lemons though. I'm sure they thank him for his efforts too. Nah, I don't think so either. Rory gives a crazy rant on camera where he accuses Lea of dictating when the JLos can "take a crap" or "bath" (I'm sure Lea is just lonely and he wants to watch) and Rory, a self-described "grown-ass man" (as opposed to being an "underaged-ass man" like R Kelly, I hope), doesn't take orders well from Lea. To Lea, he tells the man to talk to him when Lea feels that Rory isn't pulling his weight. Lea looks puzzled. Hey, isn't he talking to Rory now? But Rory just walks away, leaving Lea to rest with the rest of the JLos as they drape themselves over a log. Seriously, that's what they do. No wonder Rory, the grown-ass man, doesn't feel like joining in their fun. John P, in his confessional, hopes that Rory will cause the Old Bunch to kick him out at the end of the day, thus sparing the Young Studs. I hope he isn't holding his breath for that to happen. Fat and Uglis only, after all, that's what JLo is all about.

I'm bored. Am I evil to hope that someone will at least get injured on this show? Well, I'm now looking at the evil witch Twila sharpening the machete so hope always springs eternal. The Yazoos are talking about a food hunt and Julie brings up some duty rotation plan for all the Yazoos. For some reason, Mia, who has never been happy since Dolly was booted, takes this opportunity to launch into a shrill diatribe about Twila's snotty speech at the last Tribal Council about "some people" not doing the share of work. Mind you, I'm on her side, partially, in this matter. Twila is really being overly self-righteous during that speech, which serves nothing other to make herself feel good. But Mia isn't doing herself any favors by whining childishly about how the Bowheads have done "a ton of work". If she's talking about "a ton of work" on themselves, I only have to look at them and agree (and advice them to get work done at another clinic the next time), but if she's talking about work done on the Yazoo camp, I'd say "a ton" is an exaggeration. Twila tries some lawyer-speak by claiming that she doesn't say that "some people" don't do any work, she only said that "some people" do more work than others. There's a good reason why she works on repairing highways and not in the courtroom, and she really shouldn't try so hard to expand her horizons. Mia says that the Bowheads will have done more work if Twila doesn't do them first. Okay, the conversation has officially degenerated into ten-year old speak. Mia accuses Twila of being a martyr and playing the hard worker card and she warns that the strategy will backfire on Twila. She insists that without Twila, the Yazoos will still have food, fire, and shelter. Because, after all, Scout is still there to do all the work, along with Ami. What, that isn't what Mia is saying? My bad.

Hmm, crazy spoiled bitch on one side and self-righteous abrasive bitch on the other. Whose side should I be on? Decisions, decisions.

Twila accuses the Bowheads of doing a little work and then taking a long break in-between. She says that Mia knows this is true and tells Mia not to give her "no bulls**t, bitch" because if Mia does, Twila will "whip" her "butt". Mia tells her that Twila has only one card to play and she can damned well keep playing it. I don't know what she means by that. They argue on and on and on until my eyes begin to cross. The gist is, Twila thinks she's right and she'll whoop the asses of anyone who disagrees while Mia wants Twila out because Twila doesn't agree with her. They are all behaving like spoiled little girls. Can we leave them behind in Vanuatu and just start a new season from scratch?

As Twila sharpens the machete angrily, the Bowheads gather tree-mail and take the opportunity to discuss strategy, or what little of it that they have. Elazya tells Julie that she's tight with them this time and her previous treachery is only a one-time aberration to save herself. Mia declares that they will get rid of Twila and warns Elazya not to swing. With the four of them being strong, Mia says that they will be rid of Twila for sure. However, Lisa, the fortysomething woman who boasts a spectacularly bad boob job, says that she doesn't trust Elazya and she has some "backup plan". Maybe she realizes that those Bowheads are prettier than her and That Will Not Do. She will be the only woman with a boob job on that island! The Bowheads are going down and Lisa will be pretty, so pretty, pretty pretty precious...

The tree-mail is shaped like a cage and contains poetry written by words thrown together at random by chimpanzees rented from the zoo. Apparently today's Challenge is a Reward-cum-Immunity event and Leann is not happy that someone is getting eliminated again so soon. Me? I'm jumping with joy. If we can eliminate everybody by next week, I'm marrying Burnetto. Without a pre-nup.

Jeff "The Only Reason I Haven't Drunk Paraquat Is Because I'm Not Joe Rogan" Proboscis is wearing shades today. Damn, I should've thought of that too. The ugly in this season is dazzlingly awful. The JLos watch as the Yazoos file in and try to figure out who is gone. Probby tells them that Dolly is gone. The men wonder who Dolly is. John P remembers that Dolly is "the blonde" is gone. Lea nods in satisfaction and he just has to say, "Barbie's gone!" He's happy because he has less beauty on the island to feel threatened by. No Dolly to distract the men when he finally orders them to line up and strip search them one by one!

Did I mention that I really don't like anybody on this show?

Probby announces that this Challenge is for both Reward and Immunity, in case the Survivors understandably can't understand the gibberish in the tree-mail. Lisa claps and jumps because she hopes that the camera will notice her bouncing fake boobs. Oh well, I guess we can't all be loaded like Cher and get decent (read: expensive) cosmetic surgery done on ourselves. But in Lisa's case, it's probably cheaper and nicer to just invest in a good pair of padded bra. Today's Immunity Challenge is an individual Immunity, which means that both tribes will be kicking someone out. The tribe that wins the Reward Challenge will go on to compete in the Immunity Challenge, where the person that wins gets the Minor Dong Ring of Kamukaba, a necklace designed just for this occasion. I hear that only men are worthy of wearing this dong ring around their necks though, being the giant dongs that they are.

The Reward Challenge is like this. The tribe must get out of one cage by dismantling the planks. They will then have to make their way past a second cage by using ropes (with hooks) to haul three keys from the other side to unlock the locks, and then they get out of the third cage by using poles to climb out. And the tribe that gets past three cages first will move on to play the Immunity Challenge. And I have to get an aspirin because I've a headache trying to work out what Probby is telling the confused-looking Survivors.

First cage. Guys work on knots in groups, women all bunch together to work on one knot by one knot. The guys are used to getting out of cages though (I suspect that most of them make a habit out of doing so when they want to get some beer from the local Wal*Mart) and they get out first. Scout, our darling Skilled Survivor extraordinaire, dooms the Yazoos in the second stage by taking so long to drag the last key back that Probby actually asks her whether she's thinking of dancing with the key. She frowns. I can see a "All You Pretty People Hate Me Because I'm So Hardworking!" diatribe forming in her mind already.

I'm fed up of recapping so let's just cut the story short. The JLos win and they have won some fishing equipment. I cringe, expecting Hagrid to pop out of nowhere to grab them and yell that nobody can touch the spear except him, but thankfully, that never happens. The Yazoos are forced to sit in the byline as the men compete for the Dong Ring. The Immunity Challenge involves the JLos digging in the sand to find seven rungs that will fit in a ladder. The first to climb his newly runged ladder wins the Dong Ring. The wind is blowing and the men's shirts ripple. Brady and the Johns - yummy. The rest? Please, someone put on two layers of cardigans on those... those... sheesh. The men dig and dig. Without wasting time, let me cut the story shorter and say that John K narrowly wins over Pegleg Chad.

Probby reveals the "twist": John K will be staying with the Yazoos for the rest of the day to "gather information". John K puffs up, imagining harem scenarios with Scout and Twila, no doubt, while the Bowheads are delighted because they have spent hours every morning prettying themselves in the sea just for this. Why can't Twila understand how much work goes into the morning beauty sessions? John K needs this "information" because he will be handing over the Minor Dong Ring to a Yazoo at the end of the men's tribal council. Ah, the theme of the season: men get the goodies because they have the doodies while the women get the hand-me-down leftovers. Just like how this season feels like a leftover from the shredded footages of previous seasons left on the editing room floor. Gosh, this show is deep.

Over at Camp Yazoo, John K asks the women to gather around and put up their hands if they vote for Dolly to leave. And instead of telling him to go screw an angry warthog, the idiots actually let him know at once the tribal dynamics. Mia, the smart one, wonders to the camera what John K is trying to do. The women, especially Elazya, can't wait to tell John K how much the Bowheads hate the Burly Girls and vice versa. Elazya, especially, just goes on and on and on until John K tells the camera that he just wishes that she will shut up for once. Come on, she's a lawyer. He may need her services one day when he's busted for cooking his employer's account books. Shouldn't he be nicer to her? The Bowheads tell John K to not pass the Dong Ring to Twila or Elazya. Why isn't anyone targetting Scout? Oh wait, this tribe is composed of idiots, so I really shouldn't wonder. Lisa says that she doesn't want to vote out Scout. Mia says that she doesn't, either. Like I said, idiots, all of them. Mia is certain that tonight's vote will be a tie between her and Twila. But who knows, she wonders to the camera, maybe John K will give her the Dong Ring. Alas, John K tells the camera that he can't be bothered as to who is leaving, he just wants to get through the day without making any enemies. That's nice of him - he'll make only half a tribe hate him instead of the entire tribe!

Oh - my - God, we're still at day seven? Sheesh. Over at JLo, John P is talking about how he is a dead man walking because his ass is on the line, blah blah blah, cry me a river. Wait, I feel like crying, actually, because I'd rather see him, Brady, and John K around than the Fat and Uglis. John P and Brady, as they test the fishing spear thingie, decide that they will talk to Lea and try to bring that man to their side and vote of Rory. John P explains that Lea and Rory have problems so this may be their chance to get Rory off and delay the two men's execution. If these two men have a braincell between them, they would talk to Rory, the lowest rung in the Fat And Ugli ladder, and get Rory to vote out Lea. Rory has more to gain by siding with the Young Studs than the Old Bunch compared to Lea who is secure in an alliance that only includes Rory for as long as they need Rory's vote.

Brady offers a "clean" and "honest" alliance of four - him, John P, and John K - to Lea, arguing that the Young Studs can win Challenges for the JLos, but Lea is non-committant. Then again, has he ever been any other way? Lea wavers slightly and broaches to Chris the Slug about the possibility of voting out Rory. Chris the Slug tells Lea that it is not the time to get rid of Rory. Of course it isn't - they still need Rory's vote to eliminate the threat of the Young Studs. Lea whines to the camera that he hates building up a team and then having to eliminate people. I know. What is Survivor coming to when we have to eliminate people? That's so ugly. Why can't everybody be nice and just hand Lea the million dollars?

Night time! The show is almost over! Tribal Council. The JLos file in. The idiot men talk about relationships, which is predictably lame and insincere (men and talks about relationships just don't go together), and Brady tries to suck up to Lea in a truly laughably obvious manner, saying that Lea is a nice guy when he knows Lea better. John K brags about his divide-and-conquer method on the Yazoo and the men think he is so clever because he gets to boss the women and for men like Lea, that is more important than fresh new underwear. What's the glory in bossing idiot women anyway? John K says that he is "150% confident" on whom he wants to pass the Dong Ring to. John P wants to base his vote on tribe strength. Lea says that this is just a game and the evicted Survivor is just a "casualty of war". The victims of war everywhere in the world send a big, colorful "F**k You" card to Lea.

Vote time. John K - Rory. Chris the Slug - John P. He says that he is mentally stronger than John P. That's like a slug telling a slime mold that he's smarter. Rory - John P. Brady - Rory. He says that the vote is nothing personal; he's just being consistent. He'll be coming near you Americans soon in a friendly FBI sting. Be very afraid. Bubba - John P. John P - "Royry". Okay, maybe Chris is smarter than this fellow. Pegleg Chad - John P. He says that this vote is just strategy, sorry John P. Lea - John P.

Probby tallies the votes and John P is kicked to the curb. For some reason, John P and the rest of the JLos exchange a long farewell glance between the man takes his walk to Loser Lodge. Maybe everyone wants to take in some pretty because it may be the only pretty they will see for the rest of the month. Probby points out the contradiction between the men saying that they vote to keep the tribe strong and then voting out a young and athletic tribe member. Ah, but Probby hasn't seen the amazing balancing skills of Chris the Slug or the amazing things Pegleg's prosthetic leg can do! He sends the JLos back to camp, except for John K who has to stay back and pass the dong ring to a lucky Yazoo.

John P, in his parting words, insists that he is not "outplayed" or "outwitted" or "outlasted". Newsflash, dude, seven men have now outlasted you. Dwell on that over a glass of tequila at Loser Lodge.

Okay, one more elimination. Idiot men leave, idiot women come in. John K takes two hours, it seems, to pass the Dong Ring to Ami. Why Ami? Because, he says, Ami is not in danger of being voted out and he wants the women to work out the issues between Twila and Mia themselves. Pretty grand talk from someone whose alliance is now down to two versus five. But I'm sure he's happy to have his alliance and the Old Bunch work out without any external intervention that may work in his favor. Why are people calling John K smart? He's pretty, which isn't much compared to the rest of the men on this show, but I have my doubts about the smart aspect of this guy. Elazya is looking quite peeved that she doesn't receive the Dong Ring. Ami isn't too pleased. Her expression is akin to a determined under-the-radar player being made the focus of attention and she doesn't like that.

And then it's a totally vapid argument where Julie argues that Twila doesn't try and communicate with the Bowheads and Twila just as immaturely stands her ground and insists that she's not that kind to mingle with the Bowheads. Twila is like the redneck idiot who clings on to ten thousand reasons why she has the right to shoot her neighbors that walk past her lawn or something. Ami, for reasons only she will know, enter the fray, suggesting that Twila should explore her feminine side and maybe they can get together and braid hairs or something. Eh? Twila insists that she has no "femineminem (sic)" side but snidely suggests that Ami can do her nails while they are braiding hair.

At this point, both sides are acting like stubborn children. The Bowheads, for all their immaturity and vapidity, are not as worse as Twila is making them out to be. Twila's insistence that she is in the right to judge and condemn the Bowheads while admitting that she isn't even going to entertain any reasonable approach from them brands her a hypocrite with martyr tendencies. In this aspect, I find her more unlikeable than the shallow Bowheads.

Scout says that she is basing her vote on forming a "healthy emotional attitude" in camp. Since she's the one causing her tribe to lose the Challenges, I guess "healthy" in this case translates to "don't blame Scout, target someone else". Mia thinks that Scout is deliberately sending her a middle finger - and I have no reason to believe that she is wrong - and calls Scout on her passive-aggressive nastiness. Mia also points out correctly that disharmony in the tribe comes from both sides of the tribal cliques. Then she has to say that she doesn't think that she causes any emotional disharmony, which contradicts her previous statements. But hey, que serra serra.

Voting time. Mia - Twila. She wants Twila out. Lisa - Mia. See? She can't stand being the oldest hag with a bad boob job on the island. She wants to be the only one with a boob job. And until Burnetto shows me why Lisa betrays her allies, I'd stick to this reason. Ami - Mia. She'd rather braid Twila's hair, after all. Scout - Mia. She hopes Mia can find a husband who can put up with her, just like how Scout must be so lucky to have found a life partner who can pit up with her ineptness and passive-aggressive malicious ways. Thanks, Scout, for being even more unlikeable than Africa's Dim Kim. The bus fare is on the mail for you to get out of my sight ASAP. Julia - Mia. Leann - Mia. Twila - Mia. She wants Mia out. Elazya - Twila. She thinks Twila has an "amazing" work ethic though.

Elazya is shocked when the rug is pulled out from under her feet. The medicine? She doesn't like the taste of it, even if it's her own. Julie is shocked too. I'd care if I can remember who Julie is. Or Leann, come to think of it. Elazya sends Mia a sad farewell as Mia joins John P in the Loser Lodge where they will spend the whole night bitching about Ugli Fat People being jealous of them. Ami passes the Dong Ring to Probby (who then runs back to his trailer to do unspeakably obscene things with it) and Probby sends the remaining Yazoos back to camp. He hopes they know what they are talking about when they vote for emotional attitude or whatever it is they yammer about earlier.

Mia bitches about Twila in her parting words, saying that Twila doesn't have the social skills to play the game. Er, Mia is aware that she has just been eliminated and Twila is still in the game, right?

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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