SURVIVOR

Vanuatu Episode 2: Burly Girls, Bowheads, Young Studs and the Old Bunch

Previously, if you missed the show, you are a wiser person than me. A pig died, some... things squeal (not the pig though), and someone get eliminated. Who? I don't know. Someone called Brook. Why? Beats me. Somebody has to leave and maybe he has the shortest penis of all the men in JLo. Oh, and the old ones are systematically eliminating the hot young cuties. Good for them, but for the viewer like me who just wants to see pretty on the teevee, I feel my life flashing before my eyes.

Credits. Oi, bungee-jumping guy, next time, keep the loincloth at home. At the rate the young hot ones are getting kicked out, he may soon be the hottest thing on this show.

Day four, Camp JLo. The men are huddled around their fire pit. They still can't start a fire, it seems. Bubba complains to the camera that the night was freezing cold and he woke up every few minutes to cry like a baby. Why am I not shown this idiot crying like a baby? Now that will make this show comedy gold. He points out unnecessarily that the men need fire to keep themselves warm. He also tells me that they need the fire to cook their meals. Yeah, send this Einstein to his first camping trip and now he thinks he knows everything already. Next he will be teaching me how to swat mosquitoes with my hands. The camera shows Lea giving Pegleg Chad what seems like a thick juicy maggot plucked out from a nut to share. No, not that kind of nuts... sheesh, why are dirty-minded twelve-year olds reading this? Chris the Slug says that they need something to keep their morale up. Let's sacrifice him to Yasur! John P and Bubba bend over and work on sticks to get their fire stonking. Lea tells the men over and over that they must "respect the island and pay tribute". They put guns in his hands back in America, don't they? Oh, dear. It begins to rain and the puny attempt at starting a fire fizzles at once. Chris says that they have no fire and Bubba is worried that the Yazoos will "kick their asses".

Bubba is seriously overestimating the women. Over at Camp Yazoo, the camera zooms in on Lisa's breasts as she climbs up to cut down some plantains while being supported by Mia and Twila. Okay, how much did Lisa's plastic surgeon pay Burnetto? Whatever it is, he's not paying enough because it's apparent that the boob job doesn't come with a much needed face lift and that's not exactly quality for one's money. Dolly is there too. She's standing there, looking around. Maybe she's keeping watch for the marauding pygmies waiting to pounce on the ladies. When Lisa's hold on the machete begins to noticeably weaken, Mia understandably begs her not to drop it. A machete in one's skull is such a fashion faux pas, after all. After some hustle and bustle, Lisa manages to cut down a bunch of plantains and Dolly tells them to go back to camp. So that's what her job is! Someone has to remember the direction back to camp, after all.

Back at camp, Mia whines to the camera that life here is "about a thousand times harder" than she thought it'd be. I know. A show with a name like Survivor, oh please, how hard can it be? The Yazoos manage to get their fire started - they won the flint in the last episode - when the same rain that drenches the JLos hit them too. Elazya complains to the camera that the beach is uncomfortable and so's the water. I don't know how water can be uncomfortable so don't ask me what she's talking about. Oh, and she complains that they have for food plantains that taste like "burned mush". She says that someone on the tribe mentioned earlier that life here is like that in prison and she agrees with that opinion. Because at the end of one's prison term, the prisoner gets a million dollars prize money.

Why are these people complaining? Why don't they learn how to make fire or master some basic camping skills before they come here? I know this show has no shred of credibility left, but come on, whining about life in the great outdoors sucking when one voluntarily signs up for the ninth season of a show all about outdoor living under harsh conditions, that's really imbecilic.

Eeeuw, there are maggots in the plantain! The Yazoos squeal and make appropriate sounds of disgust. But not Twila, who loudly insists that those things floating on the surface of the water are not maggots because they have boiled the plantains so yeah, those things can't be maggots. That makes sense. Maggots in the plantains magically evaporate when they are boiled. I learn something new every time I watch this show. Twila then insists that the white things, which aren't maggots, no siree, are extra protein so she chows them down and makes lots of disgusting noises that guarantees her the entire table for the next two hundred dinners she attends. Dolly looks like she wants to throw up. She weepily tells the camera that life may be tough but she's having fun. How nice, dear, now someone please put some more maggots in her mouth so that she won't make so much noise. She nonetheless eats the plantains, maggots and all. Ami and Twila embrace her because eating maggots is the secret initiation ritual to the Burly Girl Sorority. Twila tells the camera that she will eat maggots as long as they are cooked because they are protein. Wait, I thought she said that those things couldn't be maggots? She tells her detractors to shut up and adds that all those useless skinny young girls should go back to Holiday Inn if they want to be pampered. And then she straightens her posture because she needs to keep the huge chip on her shoulders from falling off.

Let's head back to Camp JLo, where things are surely more interesting. Look, it's John P and Bubba walking along a path. John P asks Bubba whether the Old Bunch have discussed voting out John P. Bubba asks which Tribal Council John P is talking about. Why, the first Tribal Council on the Amazon, of course! It's understandably easy to confuse that season with this season. John P tells the camera that the game is on between he, John K, and Brady versus Bubba, Chris the Slug, Rory, Lea, and Pegleg Chad. He ruefully concedes that three versus five may not be in the Young Studs' favor. Bubba tells John P that the latter is a threat because of John P's personality and good looks. Seriously, that's what he says. You know what I think? The last time a tribe kicked out its youngest, strongest members one by one even before the merge, that tribe was devoured alive come the merge. Isn't that right, Lex Loser? Bubba adds that he is basing his decision on whom he'll vote based on his wife and kids at home. Hey, he's not making sense previously so he may as well be consistent and not make sense now. John P incredulously asks Bubba whether he would be seen as one of the Old Bunch if he has a wife and kids. Bubba tells him instead that there are "seventeen threats" in this game and "only one winner". I think Bubba understands the "one winner" thing very well but the rest of his strategy needs to be taken back to the square one in Moron Country and given a revision or two.

I feel like I've aged ten years recapping the last fifteen minutes of this show so thankfully this show cuts straight to the Reward Challenge. Jeff "One Day More... One Day More" Proboscis welcomes the two tribes and points out to the Yazoos that Brook was eliminated last night from the JLos. The Yazoos look at each other questioningly. Yeah, I don't remember who Brook is either.

The challenge today is simple. The two tribes stand in a line on a narrow platform each over the sea and the person at the back of the line will have to squeeze past his or her tribemates to get to the other end. Once this person reaches the finish line, the next person at the back will follow. The winning tribe is the one where all members reach the finish line first. Because this Challenge requires tribe members to rub bodies against each other and we have several Old, Conservative, Republican, and maybe even Eeek, Don't Touch Me, Homo kind of men on the JLo tribe, it's a no-brainer who the winner will be. ("Also, there are quite a number of fat, ugly guys on the JLo tribe. How do you get past their bulk?" hubby wonders.) Probby unveils the prize: a hammock, two pillows, and three blankets. What, no four masseurs? At the rate Burnetto is throwing everything to these pampered brats calling themselves Survivors, we may as well throw in the masseurs. Oh, and because we can't let people go without fire even if they are dumb enough not to know how to make one when they sign up for this show, Probby tells the JLos that they will also win the flint if they win this Challenge. Everyone is excited, although the JLos obviously care more about the flint than the hammock. These manly guys don't cuddle, after all.

Scout sits out for JLo. Elazya and Julie have to rub against each other. Hubby likes that, the pervert. Brady has to press his manly torso against John K's and rub against the man. I like that. We Giggles are signing up for Perverts Anonymous next week. Brady falls off - maybe some inconvenient protrusion from John K topples him off-balance or something. They have to do that hot Man Rub thing again. I really like that. Elazya bounces against Lisa's perky chest cushions and falls off. She grabs Twila's hand in instinctive need to stop her fall and they both fall into the water. She has to rub against Julia again. The poor thing. Hubby sympathizes. Brady meanwhile is rubbing against John P's chest in full-contact heaven. I sympathize too. Elazya gets past Lisa and Dolly and then she's at the finish line. Brady passes the rest of the men soon enough and now John K has to man-rub John P. Probby, who has his eye on these things, points out that the two men are really into the man-rub thing. So am I, Probby, so am I.

Then, a strange pattern is formed among the JLo tribe. Bubba starts pushing the hot guys that tries to man-rub him into the water while allowing the Old Bunch past him. If he thinks that if he allows only ugly guys to man-rub him, nobody will crack jokes about him, he has another thing coming. Ooh, John P and John K are in a tight embrace again. By now Brady stands alone on the finish line, looking really frustrated as five women cross the line while his tribemembers just can't keep their feet on the narrow platform. To nobody's surprise, the Yazoos win despite having to navigate past a few sets impressively perky floatation devices. Mia leads a victory dance on the Yazoo platform as they receive their goodies. The men watch in defeat.

Back at Camp JLo, the men are down and gloomy. Maybe they should start practising man-rubs on each other in case they have to do that the next time. Okay, step up, John K, Brady, and John P! Instead, someone (Chris the Slug?) cracks a joke about Bubba and Lea trying to get past each other. For some reason, Rory starts fuming and ranting about "Twila"'s victory dance. Someone correctly points out to him that the woman wasn't Twila (a confusion Mia will not be amused at, I'm sure) and Rory is like, whatever, and goes on to say that the women should have shown class in victory, blah blah blah. See, I know he's crazy. The day Burnetto chooses a sane, hardworking Black person on his show is the day I put a blanket around my neck and jump off the roof to fly like the Supergirl that I am. Lea tries to talk some sense into him but Rory just goes on and on like some crazy drunken loon and he's not even drunk. He even says that Lea isn't a "man" for taking the Yazoo's side in this matter. Lea just gives up and walks away. Rory walks off to fume alone.

Evening turns to night and then it's morning. Day five now. Gosh, it feels like I've been trapped in Vanuatu for years. At Camp Yazoo, Lisa, armed with the machete (does she have exclusive access to it?), leads the women in chasing a chicken up, down, left, right, and up again all over the place. They finally corner the traumatized bird among some bushes where Lisa, the genius, points out that "he" is laying an egg. Must be due to something in the Vanuatu air, I suspect. Now that it's time to kill something, Twila takes control of the machete. Alas, she misses when she administers what is supposed to be the coup d'grace and the chicken bolts off. The ladies start screeching for somebody, anybody, to "get him". Seriously, they all need lessons in basic biology. Never mind the amazing egg-laying male chicken, Twila tells them, at least they have five eggs for chow time. And while they are getting ready to boil the egg, the pot of water tips over, sending everyone scurrying away in terror. Scout grabs for some rocks to balance the pot. I don't know whether they manage to boil the eggs though. I don't care.

Ami gives a useful confessional if only because she explains the dynamics of the Yazoo tribe. She calls the team "cooperative" but admits that cracks may show when they have to vote someone out (foreshadowing!). She points out that the hardworking Burly Girls are made up of women from "older generation" such as Scout, Twila, thirty-five year old Leann, and herself. She makes it a point to tell people that she's thirty-one though. Meanwhile, the Bowheads are Mia, Elazya, Julie, Dolly, and... er, Lisa? Wait, isn't Lisa at least forty? Then again, Lisa has those amazing floatation devices so maybe that's what really keeps the Bowheads together. Ami adds that she doesn't trust anyone on her tribe though.

In other news, Scout is trying to draw Dolly into the Burly Girl Alliance and they pinky-swear to vote out Elazya when the opportunity arises. It's quite sad for Elazya when both factions of the tribe seem to agree that she's the most expendable tribe member.

Dum-dum-dum, comes the exciting music. Oh, it's tree-mail time at Camp JLo as Pegleg Chad and Rory retrieve a wonderful missive filled with badly-rhyming rambles about some spirit "not responding" to the spirit stone so one of them will see his victory turn into dust tonight. I have a feeling that, like everything else about this show, nobody is even trying anymore. Burnetto must have led a bunch of chimpanzees in charge while he goes off to polish Donald Trump's shoes with his tongue. Rory is reminded of the Spirit Stone they have won from Chief Kamukaba and he tells the camera that the Stone hasn't brought them luck like it is supposed to be because they haven't won Immunity yet. Pegleg Chad decides that they should all show the Spirit Stone some respect. The JLos spend the rest of the day sticking the Spirit Stone on top of a tall pole. And then it rains heavily. Rory tells the camera that the rain is either due to "sick timing" or it is a sign that there is really magic in Vanuatu. Magic is how these bunch of bozos manage to make it through the first highway they try to cross. From Lea's chant of respecting the island and paying tribute to who-knows-what to this latest nonsense, these people really need to lay off whatever it is they are using to brain themselves daily with ten kinds of dumb.

On with the Immunity Challenge. Oh look, pieces of puzzle floating on the water and stuck on the ground, two seats on a high platform, a staircase to complete the picture puzzles... yawn. I've lost count of how many times I've seen this stupid seeing-eye-dog thing. This show is already showing signs of burning out and recycling unimaginatively overused Challenges isn't going to slow the crash and burn. Anyway, Probby grabs the Dong of Kamukaba back and Twila promises that the Yazoos will get it back.

Dolly sits out while Scout plays the seeing-eye-dog for the Yazoos. Lea plays the seeing-eye-dog for the JLos. In Scout's great strategy to prove how useless she is to her tribe, as if nearly blowing the Challenge in last week's episode isn't bad enough, that stupid woman is really doing an awful job at her instructions to her blindfolded tribemates. I don't think "Go there, over there!" and "Pick it up!" will help those blindfolded women much. The less said about her gesturing to the blindfolded tribemates on where those women should head towards, the better. Lea, on the other, gives precise instructions, right down to directions and the number of steps the men must take. Dolly giggles when Scout sends two pairs of Yazoos crashing into each other. John P seems to be incapable of differentiating "left" and "right" and ends up crashing into a tree because of that. He apologizes to Lea. I have this feeling that John P actually has some kind of father-figure infatuation with Lea and it's strange that Lea doesn't want to take this opportunity to use John P as his minion. Then again, by now it should be clear that the Old Bunch aren't even planning to give the Young Studs any chance - they just want the Young Studs out of their Utopia of the Old and Ugly. Good luck surviving the merge, Old JLo. John P isn't the only one who can't seem to follow directions. Bubba seems to have "left" and "right" all mixed-up too and the result is minor chaos as men and women crash onto each other near the water.

Scout sends Elazya and Ami straight onto some puzzle pieces, straight as in "face, meet hard surface" manner. She's really a moron. John P is really lost as he tries to follow Lea's instruction to "go left" and Rory has a bright idea of cheering over Lea's instructions, causing the tribe to be even more confused. If Rory and Scout have children... oh, let's not dwell on that unspeakable notion. Lea yells at the idiot to shut the hell up a few times before Rory finally clams up. Meanwhile, the Yazoos are pretty much stumbling around thanks to Scout, whose leadership seems to have degenerated into useless hand gestures and vague shriekings. Elazya asks two times whether there are pieces in the water that they should go, and every time Scout tells her that they have everything in place. They haven't, of course. There is one piece floating out there in the water. Meanwhile, John P finally finds his puzzle piece - the last one for the JLos - and crashes his head against the platform as he returns it to his tribemates. Oh well, he'll live.

Probby points out that the Yazoos are missing one puzzle piece and Scout finally notices the remaining piece floating cozily on the water. She ruthlessly cuts off Elazya's angry admonishments and sends her and her partner off to retrieve it. The camera zooms in on Mia's bitch face which is truly murderous. I don't blame her. I'll be scrambling towards Scout to get my hands around that moron's neck if I'm in her shoes. The JLos have some problems assembling the puzzle pieces (it requires minimal brainpower but it's brainpower these men lack, after all) but the Yazoos can't catch up. The Dong of Kamukaba is going to the JLos. The JLos, true to their word, are classy in their victory like Rory advocated. They howl, they jump, they shake the Dong above their heads, they cheer their tribe names, but they don't dance though because they are so classy like that.

Day six. Kill me now, somebody. The camera moves to at Camp Yazoo and Elazya is crying while the hypocritical Scout is comforting her. Elazya is crying because she is having a hard time deciding who should go as she declares to the camera that she likes everybody. I hope she makes a better lawyer than a contestant. After a shot of a fish flopping out of water (the underlying significance of such a complex scene, alas, eludes me), I have Julie and Dolly crouched at the seaside to wash their faces. Julie asks Dolly who the Burly Girls would be voting out. Dolly says that she is thinking of going with the Burly Girls to vote our Elazya. This is the first sign that Dolly is also a moron. Is there any non-morons on this show? Julie tells Dolly that the Bowheads want Twila out but Dolly isn't keen on voting a "hard-working" person out of the tribe. Julie tells the camera that Dolly can be too nice for her own good and then tries to tell Dolly the many reasons why Elazya should stay. She's creative and should stand a good chance in politics. Julie suggests that they vote out Leann. Leann? Who is she again? I'm also quite annoyed that no one is thinking of voting out Scout, right now the weakest and most inept member of the tribe. I mean, seriously! Dolly tells the camera that she is stuck between two factions and she doesn't want to make the wrong decision. Which may or may not be related to her subsequent confessional where she says that she feels more loyalty to the Bowheads. She agrees to go along with the Bowheads to evict Leann. Dolly concludes her confessional by saying that she's in a "jam" and "it" is a "cluster you-know-what". I don't know what. Let's just move on.

Dolly talks to Ami, who surprisingly enough is willing to vote for Leann. Why Leann? Can someone at the editing department at least show me why Leann is being targetted and not Scout? And then, in a monumental move that allows Dolly to elevate in ranks from Utterly Clueless to Truly Dumb Idiot, she tells Scout that the Bowheads are targetting Leann. Scout tells the camera that her teeth nearly falls out of her mouth and says that she is shocked by the Bowheads' decision. I am too. After all, shouldn't they be going after Scout?

Now Ami and Elazya are talking with Leann. You know, I thought the Bowheads and the Burly Girls are on different factions and here they are, discussing the other team's strategy with each other in the open. Either they are morons or they are geniuses at work. Elazya realizes, from Leann's elusive answer as to who the Burly Girls are voting out, that she's being targetted by the Burly Girls. Ami, who is trying to play the fence, tells the camera that she isn't pleased with the current nominees for eviction as she feels that she's in some popularity contest. But to Leann, she tells the woman that the woman is being targetted by the Bowheads, with Dolly wanting to save Elazya for "later". I love how Ami makes Dolly out to be some superhenchwoman. Ami then says that somehow, she, Dolly, and Julie are "running" the whole show. At this point I've given up on trying to make sense of this discussion and I'm just reporting what fragmented conversations the chimpanzees at the editing room put together for TV. Elazya says that she is not pleased at being targetted. Color me shocked. The three women then discuss Dolly's two-faced gameplay (Ami, meet pot, kettle, and black) and consider turning on the supposedly devious schemer. They will check with Scout and Twila to see whether they will be up for the plan.

Meanwhile, the Bowheads are watching as Elazya, Ami, and Leann discuss matters. Mia tells Julie and Lisa that she is sure that the three women down there aren't talking strategy because Elazya is down there with the women and Elazya is One of Them. Um, yeah. Heh.

Elazya tells the camera that she is conflicted between sticking with the Bowheads and gunning for Leann or deciding to stick it to Dolly, whom she now trusts the least among the Bowheads. She talks to Dolly who must not have seen C Girl's downfall at Amazon because Dolly, instead of reassuring Elazya, just moans that she is stuck with a Very Important Decision and she has Heavy Pressure. If she is looking for sympathy from Elazya, she's looking in the wrong place. Elazya makes Dolly promise not to vote for her. To the camera, Elazya debates whether she should convince the other Bowheads to vote out Dolly.

Night time, Tribal Council. At Probby's prodding, Scout proudly admits that she blew the Challenge for the Yazoos, fuelled by her self-delusional righteous fury that Pretty People are Evil and They Must Be Stopped. Probby brings up work distribution, which leads Twila into a self-righteous diatribe about how only the Burly Girls are working their asses off. While I don't agree with laziness on principle, I really dislike Twila at that moment because I have seen the Bowheads gather food in this episode. I don't know how lazy the Bowheads actually are, but in this case, I'm starting to suspect that the Old People on both tribes are not going to give the Young People any chance at all to prove themselves. Also, it is never a rule that Survivors should work hard on the show, no matter how many times Hagrid and his delusional fans insist that Only The Hardworking Are Deserving To Win. Shut up, Twila. Leann thinks she's leaving tonight. Dolly gets stupid one last time by telling people that she is a swing vote but she doesn't know what she wants to do. She'll leave it to the last moment, hee-hee! I'm sure the other Yazoos are amused by how lightly Dolly is taking their chances at a million dollars away from them. Elazya hopes that some people will keep their word. I wonder whether she is including herself when she talks about "some people".

Time for vote.

Elazya - Dolly. Dolly - Leann but only after what seems like an eenie-meenie moment according to Insider. Lisa - Leann. Twila - Dolly. Julie - Leann, because she likes Dolly more than Leann. Julie's a teen mentor, how reassuring. Ami - Dolly. Scout, looking like the Banshee of Death strolling up to the booth - Dolly. Her parting words, by the way (not shown on TV): "Even a shepherdess needs to pick a path and stay on it. Good luck on your farm." Oh, and Scout? You blew the Challenge for your tribe. Dwell on that before imparting overly self-righteous high-and-mighty rhetorics. Is "Scout" a feminine version of "Prick"? Mia - "Leigh Ann", because she doesn't know Leann well enough. Or something.

Probby tallies the votes. The Bowheads are shocked, Dolly calm and accepting, when Dolly gets the cut. Mia curses but the editors quickly cut off the expletive. If only they have cut off everything else about this show. Just cancel it already! Probby points out to the remaining Yazoos that they have voted out the person who thinks she's the swing vote. I'm sure the remaining Yazoos will dwell on that insightful observation at night. And then it's a long walk back to camp, where Elazya better hope that Mia and the Bowheads won't rip her a new one on the way back.

Dolly says in her parting words that she is just a simple "farm gal" not cut out to play this game. Um, yeah. If it's any comfort, she's been outplayed by a bunch of morons. Okay, that comes out quite badly. Let's try again: maybe the sheep will offer more enlightening company than these fools. Adios, Dolly!

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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