SURVIVOR

Vanuatu Episode 10: Culture Shock and Violent Storms

Previously, the men were decimated bit by bit and instead of actually planning any decent counterattack, they whined that they were picked off because they were men. Never mind that the men wanted to do the same to the women - oh no, just because they were men and they were booted by women, it is not fair. A big eat-your-own-fist-and-choke greeting to Lea for his immature and sulky post-show interviews where he pretty much acts like the bully who had just been hoisted on the petard, spreading petty stories about the women and calling them petty names. If I am evil, I would hire some big husky Amazonian women to corner him in a dark alley and kick the crap out of him.

Credits. This cast is really the dullest they can drag out from wherever it is they drag people from onto the show, isn't it? At this point, if Ami does not win, this show is officially insalvageable - a dull season with a winner who stumbles onto the prize without really doing anything to get there.

Night, day twenty-four, just after the boot camp that sent Lea packing to stew over visions of the seductress temptress Julie that has played him for a fool. Chris the Slug gathers everyone around and announces that he has voted for Lea because Lea told him to and it was the hardest vote Chris has ever made. He then tells the camera in a confessional that he made the whole story up and grins because he is so smart. Well, let's see, he has told the women that he didn't betray them. Okay. He also told the women that he betrayed Lea because he had to. I guess he's trying to tell them that he could be used for votes because he could be trusted to betray them if they ask him to. Or something. Like everything else he has done, Chris' "mastermind" strategies are like colored fizzy drink poured into a can with holes all over it. The sight is amusing for a few seconds but at the end of the day the only thing that is getting wet is the floor. But at least he is a strategist in his own mind as well as in the minds of irrational Ami haters out there who blow everything Chris says and does into Burnetto-given signs that Chris will win and The Glory of Man (As It Should Be) Will Be Redeemed. What can I say? At least Chris winning this show will give some people a reason or two to feel validated about their existences. That counts for something, I guess.



Day twenty-five. I really don't know why I am still watching this show. I have this suspicion that if I fall asleep and end up catching only the last two minutes of the show, I would still be able to catch up with what has happened in the entire episode. It's morning and Scout, always a hard worker and an early riser, is up early to tell the camera that she believes that Julie has caused Ami and Leann to ditch her and Twila in their original Final Four arrangement. So who's filling in the fourth place in the alliance, Scout? Could it be... Twila? Heh heh heh. Anyway, Scout declares that Julie isn't worthy of being in the Final Four, unlike Scout who has done nothing whatsoever on this show other than to bitch and flop spectacularly in challenges, so yeah, Julie is not worthy and Scout has laid down the law. So she approaches the two men who are sleeping, awake them, and tell them that she has a plan to keep them around but first she must discuss things with Twila first. Chris is excited, just like his fans are at this moment because, see, Chris has done it! He has magically planted the idea in Scout's head to approach them for an alliance. Chris is such a genius. I want to have his illegitimate children and massage his obese belly as he plops himself before the TV and belch in tune to the football announcer's voice. Scout tells the camera that her plan is to get Elazya out first and then Ami. That's a good idea, really, to get the leader of the tribe out, but Scout decides that it's wiser to get the woman she hates out of the tribe first. She cares more about the harmony of her soul than her chance at a million dollars because she's such a psychadelic loser hippie dipstick that way.

Later that morning, Chad3P0 programs his robotic leg to kill instead of stun - a daily ritual for him before he goes to kill a few capibaras and wild boars with his wonder leg for breakfast. Chris the Slug tells him that they are still here so the game is still on. Chris fans at home bang their crotch against the TV screen and scream in excitement, "I knew it! Chris is such a masterplayer, ooooooh!"

Scout winks at the two men. Sheesh. I will get nightmares from reliving that ghastly sight.

Even later that morning, right after my sixth cup of brandy (I need fortification when I watch this show), the Atloonteans have tree-mail. The tree-mail comes with a small wood with holes and ropes tied in and out of these holes. Is that a deep symbolism for the state of one's brain after watching this dreadful season? Twila reads the clue in a manner that reinforces my belief that this woman taught herself to read at home by reading the subtitles in the episodes of The Beverly Hillbillies and tells the tribe that they must bring Pookie the Pig along with them. Ami grabs Pookie in her arms and Pookie squeals in excitement because be they turn him into ham or let him loose, he is free of these wretches and this show and I kinda envy him. I wish we are all so lucky at having so many choices in our lives.

Jeff "Forty Minutes More Before This Episode Ends, Yay" Proboscis is waiting for them in a clearing. He gives Pookie an orange buff. Poor Pookie. He is one of them now. There is no escape. He will be boring and he will wish he is dead. Probby asks the Atloonteans for the name of the pig and Ami reveals that the creative Atloonteans call Pookie "Piggy". Piggy with an orange buff, huh? Pookie glares imploringly at the camera, begging for arsenic in his bovine dinner tonight. Pookie is then sent into a cage while the grown-ups do their thing. In today's case, winning something on the Reward Challenge. Before they do that, Probby asks the Atloonteans what it's like having "Buddy" as a "little company" in the tribe. (Pookie says, "Piggy? Buddy? Well, it could be worse, I guess. These humans could have name me like those Hollywood idiot actors name their children - Apple, Dakota, Denim, or some shite like that.") He is being facetious but Twila, who doesn't have "sarcasm" or "facetiousness" in her twenty-word dictionary, answers solemnly that "Buddy" doesn't make much fun company because Twila wants to eat Pookie so badly.

You know, there are worse things in life than watching this show. I get it now. I could be, for example, stranded in a deserted island with a very hungry Twila.

Probby announces that for this Challenge he will randomly split the tribe into two teams of four. One member will be tied up in ropes that go through several obstacle courses (under and over a fence, around a few posts, and up and under a sets of hurdle thingies). The three other members will have to manhandle, I mean, carefully move the tied-up tribe member through these obstacle course the fastest, until they reach the finish point and free this tied-up member. If this sounds rather confusing, it actually becomes very clear when one watches it. And you should, if you haven't, because this Challenge is like a very santized bondage softporn designed especially for primetime TV. But don't beat yourself up if you didn't catch it because everything else about this episode doesn't make the brief fun moments worthwhile. Probby announces that the winners will get to visit a native tribe for "cultural activities", among which a "big feast" is promised. The Atloonteans are so excited to attend a native feast when this island is supposed to be rife with cannibals. Then again, they aren't selected to be on this show on the basis of their brainpower in the first place. Oh, and Pookie will be the Atloonteans' gift to this tribe.

On one tribe there are Scout, Julie, Leann, and Twila with Julie being the trussed-up pig while the other tribe has the strongest members Ami, Chad3P0, and, er, okay, Chris the Slug getting to manhandle Elazya. So much for random, I tell you. ("It's not random because any team that has Scout on their side automatically loses," says hubby. "Can that woman do anything?")

Hubby wants everyone to know how much he loves a show where two nubile babes are tied up and dragged through all sorts of ditches, over wooden bars, around posts, and other kinky props. I must confess that I find these scenes enjoyable too in a way because heh, I've never seen a bunch of twits manipulated into reenacting softporn on TV. First we have the whole same-sex body rub thing, then we have the whole Ami and the Island of Lesbos thing, and now we have Elazya and Julie being punished for being bad, bad girls. I can't wait to see what desperate Burnetto's dirty mind will come up with next. Elazya helps her team tremendously by actively pushing and hoisting herself while Julie doesn't seem to be as energetic as Elazya in that regard. In the end, Elazya's team scores a victory. Julie cries and when Probby asks why, she says that it's because she hates losing, not because she has been dragged, prodded, carried, thrown over, flung down, and thrown flat onto the ground from start line to finish line. Whatever, the winners will now take Pookie and go this way to the plane waiting to fetch them to who-knows-where and the losers can get lost.

In the plane, everyone as usual acts awestruck by the scenery. Elazya tells the camera that the enjoyment is dampened slightly by Pookie drenching the seats - and hopefully, the four Atloonteans - the way nature designed him to. The plane then lands and a van takes the Atloonteans to what Ami describes as a "very, very backcountry" area. Meanwhile, in the land of Ticky-Tack Natives, the staff lock their television sets and electrical appliances in the back room of their houses, shove their wardrobe of shirts and pants into huge suitcases to be kept in trailers hidden behind the trees, and don grass skirts and ceremonial headgear for the occasion. After all, it isn't authentic until everything's ticky-tacky ooga-ooga like to thrill the tourists. I understand that Burnetto even paid for the two-day crash course in spear use.

Among the banal platitudes expressed by the foursome in the land of Tiki Tack Natives, Chris the Slug call the village "another world", they get a pig in exchange for Pookie, they don't want this pig, so they just put the pig down and forget about it. Wow, I wish I can put down these people and forget about them so easily. The natives enact some dance and song which Ami describes as "magical" and out of a book. The last is true, by the way. The book Ami is talking about is The World As Stupid Tourists Would Like It To Be. Dude, would that funny guy with paintings on his face stand on his head and wag his legs in the air? Can I keep one in a cage back home so that I can show him to all my friends at parties? All that's missing here is the theme song of The Lone Ranger playing in the background. Then again, the Survivor theme song will do just as nicely.

Chad3P0 and Chris try to dance. Everyone drinks kava. Elazya realizes that it's better that she missed tasting it first time around in the welcome ceremony twenty-four days ago (since women are allowed to party here, I guess the welcome committee must be staged in another country or something) when she repeats nearly verbatim Rory's description of the taste of the kava. They react the same way too, although I expect Chad3P0 and Chris the Slug to know better than to drink kava with so much gusto the second time around. Hubby has a conspiracy theory that the welcome ceremony didn't really take place - Burnetto got all the Survivors to reenact it after seeing how the season turned out for the fundamental basis of the "vengeance of the women" theme the season ends up having.

"I feel kinda buzzed, but my coordination is just, like, whoa." Chad3P0 is very drunk. He can barely walk and has to be laid in some shelter when he then passed out after telling the camera, "Ka-aaa-va!" Good night, dimwit. Meanwhile, a feast is laid for three stronger people which consists of undercooked meat served with banana leaves. The three go "Eeeuw!" to the camera because they are hoping for steak or burgers or something. Which brings me to this: have anyone noticed how pampered these Survivors are? In the first few seasons they were starving. Now? They want burgers. Burgers! And finally, the native children are trotted out to sing some "We love White People coming to visit our Dumb, Poor Village and bring us a moment of joy in our pathetic lives with their luminous presence" theme song and the three are so happy to sing along. The camera zooms in on a deliriously fratboyishly obnoxious Chris the Slug showboating for the camera. In homes of his fans everywhere, fanboys howl in joy and rub their crotch all over the TV monitor because this is definitely a foreshadowing that Chris, by being the last man shown in this scene, is the last man standing. He will send the women packing and show them who's the real man. Yeah, baby! And then, irritated by the noise, the mothers of these fanboys storm the basement and send the losers upstairs to take out the trash.

It rains. Over at Atloonta, Scout says to the camera that everything is wet. Thanks for the observation. I wouldn't know it from looking at the TV myself. The fire is sputtering out. Scout says that this is the worst situation she's ever been in in her life. How nice for her. Wait until it floods and her prosthetic leg gets washed away only to be swallowed by a crocodile. We'll have a party then. Leann shivers and casts her Bette Davis eyes to the camera, saying that this is the worst night of their lives. Those poor things, signing up to be on this show and then subjected to rain and what-not. The show is so nasty by not providing them with hotel accommodations.



The dawn arrives and the rain has stoppped. It's day twenty-six. Scout tells Elazya, Twila, and Julie that the storm has gotten her thinking and she thinks that they will keep the men to make sure that the camp remains standing and send Elazya home. Julie and Twila is all over this idea. Leann isn't so sure. She makes a face. She must consult with Ami first because she doesn't have the input in her computer chip necessary to make a decision at this moment. Everyone is happy that Elazya is going even when, you know, no one is sure that she's going or not, because like Twila said, she has no idea how Elazya stayed on this long. Well, let's see, she stayed because the Burly Girls roped in Elazya to boot out Dolly in the second episode... am I right, Twila? Twila wonders aloud whether they should inform Ami of this plan. Julie says that Ami is "cool" with the plan. The camera zooms on Leann. She is not happy. And then the show cuts to a chameleon moving into the bushes. Er, what's that got to do with Ami and Leann and their happy budding lesbian relationship? What, that's not what the chameleon sneaking into a bush is supposed to stand for? Dang, after so many seasons I still can't grasp the subtle nuances of the complex symbolisms and imageries on this show.

Ami, Elazya, Chad3P0, and Chris come home and the losers immediately grill them, wanting any excuse to hate the four for having better sleeping accommodations than they. Elazya is shocked and Ami is annoyed that the soaked and hungry losers are not happy to hear the happy stories of children singing and dim ignorant natives so happy to share their lives with the magnificent first world visitors... shocking really, people have no manners anymore! Ami also adds that the four losers are acting shifty, like not looking in her eyes, and suspects that some mischief is afoot. Heh, I said afoot. Sorry, Chad3P0!

Scout tells the two men of the plan to boot Elazya. The men of course agree with her plan. Scout tells them that the women love her. The women except for Elazya and the next boot Ami, I suspect, just like how Scout loves these men as well as Rory and Lea and all those men she's helped in writing down the names in the Tribal Council. Whatever, Scout loves everybody, they can now shut up and let her walk over them.

Because he is responsible for Scout coming to him, just like how he is responsible for every boot in this game that will only increase his chance of winning (Chris the Slug, is after all, a player, people), Chris tells the camera that he knows it best - when women get defensive, they "snap your neck" (Rory and Lea: Ouch) but when he sweet talks them (like "Uh, yeah, I'll do whatever you say, don't hurt me!"), they will open their back door to him. Unless "sweet talk" is a new kind of date rape drug, I don't think that's very likely, not with this man. Wait, he's not talking about that kind of back doors? Then what the heck is he talking about? Why is he even talking? Shut him up! Stuff an umbrella up his back door and open it up or something! He also adds cockily that women hate Ami because she is cocky and adds that Scout hates Ami now because Rory was booted, what with women all love Rory and they hate Ami for kicking out that hot stud. Chris? There. The boot looks so lovely stuffed down his throat. I suggest he wears it often.

Probby, wearing the shades he borrowed from Horatio Caine in CSI: Miami (and for that, he deserves all the Rock N' Roll Jeopardy jokes he gets), greets the Atloonteans for the Immunity Challenge. Today's Challenge is simple. Everyone get up on that tiki pole, clamp his or her thighs around the pole, hold on hard, and the last person to remain hanging on to the pole wins Immunity. Dang, Brady should have been here. Instead, I get Twila's thunder thighs clamped around the pole - ugh, the least sexiest thing ever after Jan the Hen's "clavage" on Thailand - and that woman biting to the ropes around the tiki pole as the others slid down one by one. She wins Immunity. Hey, she makes a living hanging on from telephone poles or something, after all. For her skill at the pole, she gets to wear the Dong Ring with Kamukaba with pride.

Later that day, Ami asks the women (minus Elazya) whether they will continue with their initial plan to boot Chad3P0. Scout stupidly tells her that they should boot Elazya instead, offering the same birdbrained reasoning that the camp will completely fall apart without the men. Oh, Scout, the camp will fall apart because she is useless, not because the men are there to hold her and keep her safe from the Tribal Council. Ami tells Scout bluntly that the camp will hold and go on as it always has before the man and, presumably, after the men as well.

So basically, Ami wants Chad3P0 out. Scout wants Elazya out. Leann tries to come off as a wild card in her confessional but come on, who is she fooling? She's the loyal handmaiden of Ami. Julie says that she sees what Ami is talking about. Ooh. Ami wants Chad3P0 and Chris the Slug out because she says that they are physical threats. Chad3P0 and Chris the Slug, if left unchecked, will go on a mad immunity rampage... oh, I nearly die laughing there. Oh, come on, why can't people on this show come up straight and admit that they do this and that because it is in their best interests to do so? Cut the BS and get on with the neck-slicing, please!

Chad3P0 must have seen where the wind is blowing because he approaches Scout for the latest lowdown. Scout doesn't even look him in the eye as she talks about everything being uncertain at this point but one thing's for sure, she will write down Elazya's name. Hah, hah, hah. He tells the camera that he can feel the wavering in the air and runs to Twila, only to find even less comfort from her. She tells him that Ami is not stupid and she can sense a plot hatching behind her back. Sense? It's more like Ami knows because Scout told her. Chad3P0 sighs and says in his confessional that he doesn't know what will happen at the Tribal Council.

Twila and Ami now. Ami just brushes her off by saying that she's not the person to talk to. Is Ami fooling anybody with her "I'm not the leader, don't look at me" act? Twila then runs off to Julie and Leann, and comes to this dazzling conclusion that while she wants Leann out, she is also willing to go along with the majority. In this case, with Ami. And then, Twila and Scout. How many calories must Twila burn a day with all that running about? Scout tries to speak but Twila just tells her that Twila doesn't want to force any tie situation where any of them can go home thanks to the purple rock and Scout should think about what Twila said. Twila cuts short the conversation by saying that she "has to go this way" and literally and figuratively chooses a direction to walk along, away from Scout. Scout looks after her with a miserable prune-faced expression. Foiled, dang!

Twila repeats the same old "caught in the middle" thing she's been doing since the merge and says that she wants Ami out of the power position but she doesn't know how to do that. By blindsiding Ami tonight by getting Chris the Slug, Chad3P0, and Scout to vote for her? Elazya may be amenable to that if she tells Elazya that Ami wants Elazya out. ("Tell me about it," sighs Dolly.)

Night time, Tribal Council. Because conversations in Tribal Council are pointless as everyone just says things she or he feels that the others need to hear, I'll just skip most of the pointless chatter and point out only a few things of note. One, the men never talked to Elazya, the most gullible free vote in the history of this show. But don't worry, Chrisheads, I'm sure he's still a mastermind and he has his reasons not to talk to Elazya. Probby calls Ami smug. It takes one to know one. And the women all vote for Chad3P0 to leave, even Scout who told Chad3P0 that she would be voting for Elazya. Chris and Chad3P0 are left marooned on the raft with the "That Ain't The Backdoor - Ohmigod, WHAT IS IT?!!" flag. But only shortly, though, because Chad3P0 then takes off to the Loser Lodge. Lea, who has been watching, scowls. Women are sexists! Targetting men and all that! It is okay for the men to want to do the same but hell, the women are sexist bitches! Bitches!

Probby tells the women that one man is left and this man will be a very important vote in the coming weeks. It is nice to see that he still maintains a degree of partiality on this show when he has lost all traces of class and dignity during the wasting years of his hosting this pathetic show. There's your backdoor, Chris! Come to Probby!

Chad3P0 says that the whole experience sucks and he wishes that he has gone further. But he doesn't because he and his allies are idiots. Thanks for playing, have a nice day, whatever, now go away. On with the show. May it end before the suck makes me ill.

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