SURVIVOR

Vanuatu Episode 9: Gender Wars... and It's Getting Ugly

Previously in an effort to provide cultural and societal awareness the way he contributed to the affirmative action of African Americans, Asian Americans, and gay men, Burnetto applies his magic touch to the lesbian affirmative movement. Ami the ball-busting man-hating bitch has the women under her thrall and they are touching her, painting her body, letting her paint their body, lying beside her... fourteen-year old Timmy Tedesco from Boise, Idaho stops in the midst of burning down the Muslim convenience store to declare that lesbians are so cool and rushes off to buy Girls On Girls, Volume XVIII from Joe's Wholesome Christian Film Store (Joe keeps them under the counter). Sales of lesbian porn increases by 11% but the ban on gay marriage stays. But lesbians are hot so Burnetto is happy and the world is okay.

Credits. This season starts off by treating women like third-class citizens. The men, of course, like that. Now, the women are ditching the men for their lesbian utopia. Naturally, the men now call the women bitches and want to burn down the shelter when they leave. Survivor Vanuatu is more effective than herpes when it comes to cutting down male-female interactions among its viewers.

Night, day twenty-one, just after Rory's departure. Nope, that loser hasn't carried out his threat to burn down the shelter like he vowed to do should he ever be voted out, that chicken. Ami tells the camera, as the Atloonteans walk into the camp and move around the fire, that she is pleased with the way Tribal Council turned out. Well, duh. She says that the women kicked the "shi... shiznit" out of the men. Well, since we are talking about a silly old fool stuck in a midlife crisis, a fat buffoon who is far less smart than he imagines he is, and a one-legged idiot, it's not exactly some achievement to crow about, is it? Chris tells the camera that in the end it boils down to men versus women after all - a completely different agenda compared to his initial plan of weeding out the women one by one that understandably leaves him flabbergasted. He says that this is the first time that people in his alliance turned on him and he is not used to being around unreliable people, the last probably because he needs to be around reliable people to clean up his mess for him. He laments the fact that he trusts Twila and Julie more than he should have. Hindsight makes even the biggest fool look wise. He concludes that the men are in a precarious position. But at least they get to see Julie topless so that ain't so bad, eh, Lea?

Chris tells Lea the same thing he just told me - that the men trusted Twila and Julie when they shouldn't have - and Lea just looks on, still bitter like the way most seventysomething men are bitter when they realize that the teenaged big-busted bimbo they married only wanted their money and nothing more. All those pretty words are lies! Lies! She fakes everything - EVERYTHING! Lies! LIES!

Twila explains her vote for Rory in her confessional. See, she believes that the men are just playing her, repeating the lie Julie told her that the men extended Final Four invitations to both the women. She admits that she feels guilt for betraying the men but insists that she did what she had to.

The camera zooms on Julie's deceptively sweet and innocent face before everyone calls it a night. Chad3P0 and Chris manage to discuss some plans, where Chris insists that the two women are no better with the Sapphorific Babes than with the men. See, that's what I've been saying all along. Chris however thinks that this situation means that the men have a chance because the game is not yet over, as he insists, and "anything can happen". I can relate to that. Even when I'm down to my last penny, I'd still starve and use the last of money for that lottery ticket because the game is not yet over and anything can happen. I can win! Chris can win! We both can win! Hee hee ha ha bwa ha ha ho ho hee hee ha ha, no take those men in white coats away from me, nooooo!

Sun rises. A volcano blows some smoke. Day twenty-two, good morning Atloonta, this is your DJ, Mrs Giggles, of V-ZZZ, announcing that it's a fine day to whine. Chris and Lea take this advice to heart as the other Atloonteans wake and laze, with Lea complaining to Chris of how much it hurts to know that Twila has played him all along. Er, Lea? See Julie? No, not her breasts, look up at her face, yes, that's it - see Julie? She played the men for fools, Lea. Twila is just some dumb hag he took for granted. Chris says that he doesn't understand why Twila would defect like that. I mean, seriously, why abandon the penis for a vagina when both are offering Twila the same thing? The penis is puzzled. What does the vagina have to offer that the penis doesn't? What makes the vagina so special? The poor penis is confused. Chris deduces that it's a "women's thing" and Lea agrees. Just like, you know, how stupidity is a "men's thing".

And now, my favorite scene of the season. Scout sits by Lea by the beach and as she combs her hair, she starts singing in a shaky, warbling manner some song about sunshine and love. She's awful, but what makes her so deliciously evil to watch is how she keeps turning to Lea with a beatific expression as if she expects him to smile and sing along. Why be sad, Lea, when she's going to vote you off and leave you to die? Just sing along and be happy! Lea, however, just stares ahead with an expression of outright, pure hatred. In his voiceover, he once more embarks on a female-bashing spree, claiming that he is filled with "despisal" at how the women treated him. Because, you see, they should have let him win! Oh, the disgustal of it all! In a silly confession where he is standing behind the log (as if it will make his penis look bigger or put off the imminent castration - oh please), he takes off his silly hat and sarcastically congratulates the women for being "very conniving". Oh great, here's another idiot contestant who gets on the The People Who Voted Me Off Are Immoral People high horse. He concludes that it's right now awkward for him to talk to any of the women. That's a good strategy, of course - don't adapt to circumstances, don't try to turn the tables, just act like an unpleasant boor around the camp. That will endear him to the other Atloonteans.

Scout, deliberately pretending not to notice Lea's expression - come on, she's definitely nasty enough to do that - sweetly asks him whether he thinks there will be a Reward Challenge today. What can he say? He swallows his bile and with much difficulty spits out, "Yeah, it might be."

And sure enough, it's now time for a Reward Challenge. Because Burnetto has given up all hope on the men, today will be a quiz thingie where the women, including Scout, can play and even win. How sweet of him! Jeff "Lawd, Won't Someone Give Me A Better Job?" Probiscis awaits in a clearing by beach. As the Atloonteans step in, he points out that each of them will stand before three small posts where a coconut rests at the top of each. The coconut is the "ceremonial skull". Probby will ask questions and the Atloonteans will select and display the answer (A, B, C, D or True/Flash) using those adorable big blocks that Burnetto must use every season. Those who have the answer right can set fire on a "ceremonial skull" of the player of his or her choice. Yes, this is another challenge designed to reveal hierarchies within the tribe. Apart from the last season when the Robfather and his minions let Hagrid win just to keep such hierarchy under wraps, the suckers on this show fall for that trick every time. What's the prize this week, Probby? Wow, it's a helicopter ride to the top of a dormant volcano where - no, nobody is getting sacrificed, so settle down, people - the winner will get to eat chicken wings with champagne. I guess I shouldn't be surprised at how these people consume alcohol more than they do milk during the run of this show.

Okay, the questions. Probby wants to know what "Vanuatu" means and no, it's not "island of fire". So CBS is wrong, what else is new. Elazya, Scout, and Lea know the answer, ooh. Elazya says sorry but oops, Chad3P0's skull is burning. Lea burns Scout's skull. Must be the singing. Scout gives back one to Lea. Next round sees everyone correctly answering that there are eighty-three islands in the archipelago of Vanuatu. Elazya burns Chris. She's of course sorry about that. Leann gives Lea a second burn. Chad3P0 goes after the Jezebel, Julie. Ami knocks Lea out of the game. Chris gives Ami a burn. Julie sends heatwaves up to Chad3P0's first skull. Twila sends Chad3P0 out, forcing him to move to the sideline. And before he leaves to sit by the sidelines, Lea takes his final shot at Julie. Julie pretends to be outraged, saying that she hasn't even started on Lea's skull. Uh, I thought she already had since six days ago? Lea tells her that "it" is "beyond that". Julie laughs. It's not as if she has anything to fear from Lea at any point in this game. And finally, Scout takes out Chris.

Probby wants to know the significance of long, curved pig tusks to the men of Vanuatu, with "big, big penis, I swear" being replaced by a FCC-friendly euphemism of "fertility". No, that's not the answer, it's wealth. First up, Elazya sends Chris packing to the sidelines. Chris sarcastically says, "Oh, so it's not a woman-man thing" as if he hasn't anticipated his own glee at taking out the women one by one. Are men always this pathetic when they are losing to women? Lea murmurs under his breath, "Estrogen City". Yes, Lea, and poor man, he's not even allowed past the gates. Ami and Leann shake heads and comment so symphatetically on all that horrible bitterness floating around. Probby tries to reassure everyone that he is All Man, Very Virile, With Big Big Penis And Likes Lesbian Porn by commenting that the women must now "eat" each other. The double innuendo will be more amusing if it isn't delivered in a self-conscious manner by Wee Little Nelly Probe Boi here. And then Twila sets fire to Elazya's skull. Elazya says ooh, so that's where she stands. Lea says yes, that's right, because unlike the women, Lea has always been ready to welcome Elazya the way he welcomed Julie. Or something. Shut up, Lea. Scout burns Leann.

Now Probby wants to know whether the witches of yore in this place really drink magma for their rituals. Of course not, Probby says when the women have revealed their answers, because people will die when they drink magma. Elazya, Julie, and Leann learn something new today. Lea and Chris laugh because really, that's the best they can do to get attention now that they are sitting by the sidelines. Ami snuffs out Twila. Stupid Twila snuffs out Elazya. Stupid Scout sends Elazya packing. They may as well send her a postcard marked with a sinking ship in front and a scrawled "Please jump" at the back. Scouts says, as she sends Elazya packing, that what she did is in deference to Elazya's knowledge. Nice one there. Elazya's clever comeback is that well, if she is clever, Scout isn't. Ooh, Elazya is so clever, Scout says again as she takes her place behind her coconut stands with a smug smile. Elazya looks at the men she is sitting with and tells them that Scout really isn't. Because if she and Twila are smart, they wouldn't have showed the pecking order this soon, especially not to a woman who has a track record of jumping ship at the earliest sign of trouble.

Probby wants to know whether it is true that Vanuatu has the highest concentrations of different languages in the world. Well, yes, that is true. So many ways to say "Sucks!", so little time. Julie lobs at Scout. Probby, trying to catch Lea's eye, notices that the camera is on him and tries to pretend to be rivetted by Elazya's "simmering". Elazya says that she is irritated at being the first woman sent packing. Chris encourages her from the Showboat of the Male Losers to simmer some more. Twila sends Julie out. Scout hits at Ami. Bravo, Twila and Scout, for confirming to everyone that it's the two of them against everyone else! Probby wants to know next what a "tam-tam" is and no, it's not the sound of Colby smacking Probby's bare bum. It's a kind of drum. Leann sends Scout packing, earning her Elazya's glee. Elazya sends Ami packing with her last shot.

Twila and Leann are the last two standing. Leann gets the next answer correct (something about the local currency) and while the both of them get the subsequent answer correct, Twila has only one skull left so Leann automatically wins the Reward Challenge! How exciting! Squeal! Eeee! Now where did I put my sleeping pills? Probby says that it is no fun to eat chicken wings alone (and why not, really, won't it be fun to eat everything instead of sharing) so Leann chooses Julie. Julie squeals! Eeee! Zzzzz...

The two women get on a helicopter. I fall asleep dreaming of the helicopter ride in the first season of The Apprentice, where it's just me and Troy McClain, and his handsome face is glowing with awe that is so beautiful to watch because he gets to see the Statue of Liberty with his hand on my lap. Or, I mean, with me by his side. I miss Troy. He's so hot and so adorable. He should be in every reality TV show I watch and of course, he should win every one as well. And then he'll marry me. And... um, oh, right, Julie and Leann. Like, whatever, nice view, so fine, eeee, squeal, so exciting, pffft. Leann explains in her confessional that she takes Julie along because Julie is the only one whose gameplay and strategy are question marks to Leann. She hopes to get the answers she is looking for on this trip. Oh, and the two women are so excited because they have never been on a helicopter ride before, yadda yadda yadda. Stuff it, ladies, I have never been on a helicopter ride with Troy McClain before (hmm, is that a fine title for a country song or what?) but you don't see me chirping like overexcited hens about it.

At the rim of the volcano - if it is a volcano, hmmmph - the two women enjoy their picnics in peace, undisturbed by pagan gods with unhealthy fetishes for virgin females. Julie confesses to the camera that she has never really talked to Leann (the Bowhead/Burly Girl fight, remember) but now she is actually enjoying doing just that. Leann correctly points out that Elazya is probably feeling like a cornered rat right now and the men will only feed her paranoia. After all, as Leann tells Julie, Elazya is quite gullible. And I agree. If that silly woman reads all the signs around her and still believe that everything is okay, she is one gullible... oh wait, that's not what Leann means? Carry on then, Leann. Julie suggests that Elazya should go then. Or maybe Scout can go too. She asks Leann whether Scout is in the Final Four alliance with Leann, Ami, and Elazya. Leann says that this is the case at first but she is leaning towards ditching Scout and Elazya in favor of Julie and of course, Twila. Julie likes that idea (duh) and the two women toast to a Final Four of Ami, Twila, Leann, and Julie. Shouldn't Twila agree to this before they toast each other in self-congratulatory hubris?

Back at camp, Scout is cooing to "little one" Elazya that Elazya looks "pissed off". That's a really nice way to send Elazya packing to the other side. Scout can't do it any better if she lifts her leg and gives Elazya a kick in the behind to the men's side... oh wait, that useless old bitch can't really use her prosthetic leg to do anything, much less kick Elazya in the behind. Oops! My bad. Scout tells Elazya that she did what she did because Elazya is a "smart one" and "they" must take out the smart one. Elazya isn't born yesterday - maybe today though - and tells the camera that she knows Twila and Scout are gunning for her and accuses Scout of being condescending (damn right). She looks forward to the day when Scout is gone. Careful, dear, such statements may result in her and Scout being forced to be roommates in the Loser Lodge. Scout on the other hand says that she is "over" Elazya since day two. I don't care whether she's over or under Elazya but seriously, she's telegraphing her intentions regarding Elazya so transparently that I'm starting to believe that Scout is no Tuna Wesson as much as she is just an expired can of tuna.

Lea watches and smiles. Everything is falling into plan the way he planned it. The way Rory planned it. The ladies will burn and the men will rule like the way it should be once more. Muahahahahaha! Chris tells the camera that there is friction in the female herd. Just like he planned it! He too will rule! Muahahahaha!

To plot their world conquest, the three men scurry away like rats into a boat where they discuss the marvelous and totally brilliant plan of letting the women believe that Elazya has jumped sides to the men and thus forcing the women to vote her out instead of one of the men! Muahahahahaha! Isn't that brilliant? How little must the men think of the women's intelligence if they expect the women to believe that Elazya will force the minority alliance in a 4-6 battle at the Tribal Council? Who will be that stupid to join sides with the men - alone - at this point in the game? Chris wastes no time telling me how brilliant this plan is. Seriously, the fact that they still insist on fighting against the women instead of luring Elazya to the dark side brands them all stupid beyond belief and definitely not worthy of being on this show. Let's boot all three of them at the Tribal Council!

The men hear the sounds of a helicopter and look up. Julie and Leann are coming back. The women are there to greet their own and Julie reveals that she has smuggled chicken wings under her shorts for everybody. Eeeuw, does anybody know what else is in there with the chicken wings? But hungry people can't be choosy, I guess, so every woman gets to eat two chicken wings. But there are none for the men though, heh. And when the guys finally return from the seaside communion with Ming the Conqueror, the women pretend that Julie and Leann have brought back chicken bones so everyone can gnaw on them. The women giggle at each other behind the men's backs as the men enjoy sucking on the bones. Lea says that he's actually quite happy to see the bones because this isn't a "normal" circumstance in which he would feel insulted. Elazya giggles to the camera because what the women did is so sneaky and clever. If the men haven't just spent the whole day coming up with utterly useless plans of counterattack, I may feel outraged on their behalf.

Day twenty-three. There's a pig squealing. No, that's not Scout pulling off her prosthetic leg and beating Chris bloody in the head, it's a real pig. Elazya finds a pig tethered to the tree-mail post and drags the reluctant pig by what I presume is a strangling chokehold on the leash to the Atloontean camp. Always good with pigs, Elazya screeches for someone to come help her. Chris carries the pig bodily to the camp and puts Pookie the Pig down. Then Pookie stops squealing at last. Although one look at Lea looming with the machete may change that situation soon. Elazya quickly shrieks that they can't eat the pig, just in time before Twila and Lea accidentally lop off each other's appendages in their haste to slice up the ham. It turns out that the tree-mail indeed tells them to keep the pig safe as Pookie is going to be their status symbol pet. Poor Pookie. At least Magilla was free in Thailand. Lea again whines and grumbles to the camera about Estrogen City - does this man even like women? - just like he has been doing the entire episode so far, and concludes that he feels a greater affinity to the pig than to the women. Boy, color me shocked at that one.

It's now time for the Immunity Challenge. Before they start, Probby says that Lea looks angry. Lea says that he's just been thinking. About dead women, I bet, dead lying, cheat, conniving, DESPISALABLE women, with some incoherent flashbacks of a topless Julie giggling at him interspersed between images of dismembered old broads. Poor Lea, he really doesn't take to losing to women well at all. Probby announces that today's Challenge will involve puzzles. He will hold up a pattern for the Atloonteans to study for a while and then the Atloonteans will have to use their puzzle pieces to assemble the exact same pattern as the one Probby showed them earlier.

In the first round, Lea, Chad3P0, and Chris are knocked out of the game. Seriously, I'm not joking. They really are so hopeless, I don't have to heart to laugh because I know their mothers must be crying when the poor ladies watch these buffoons on TV. Twila and Scout are out next. Scout is right, if she wants to win, she needs to take out the smart ones ASAP. Elazya is out next. Probby starts showing more intricate patterns and cutting shorter the time he shows the pattern to the remaining Atloonteans. Then Julie and Leann are out, leaving Ami to wear the Dong Ring of Kamukaba. Heh heh heh, the men must be sweating in their pants right now.

Back at camp, Lea rants and foams about how angry he is by not anticipating how intricate the puzzle would be. I don't know what he means by that. He saw the pattern, he's supposed to memorize the pattern, and he must replicate the pattern with his own pieces. What's to anticipate? What a dolt. Ami is having second thoughts about winning the Dong Ring as it may put her in the spotlight as even more of a threat but shrugs off her doubts because as she says, she can't deliberately dumb herself down in Challenges. How reassuring. She's better win every Immunity Challenge from now. Ami and Leann spend some quiet time where they decide on kicking out Lea because he is a - yes, that's right - physical threat. Lea hopes to the camera that Elazya will go instead of him. Yes, and that's the helicopter right now coming to my place. Hi, Troy! Love ya! Marry me, Troy!

Chad3P0 and Chris try to work their magic with Scout. As usual, they are telling Scout what to do, completely overlooking the fact that there is no advantage to Scout if she keeps these men and boot Elazya out. Then again, the men followed the same strategy and they still insist that their downfall is due to those "despisable" women, so I shouldn't be surprised, really. Scout just mumbles on and on about how she hates the "energy" that is Elazya because Elazya uses "like" in sentences and it's, like, you know, horrible or something. Elazya is right now chasing Ami like a puppy trying to attract the attention of her owner, excitedly gobbling to Ami that Scout is bad-mouthing Ami so Scout must, like, go. Ami all but rolls up her eyes at Elazya. Elazya tells the camera that she's paranoid but insists that on this show, she has the right to be paranoid. To Ami, she tells Ami that Scout has been after her since day one. To Ami's credit, she doesn't ask Elazya why she should care whether Scout goes after Elazya or vice versa.

Julie and Leann are doing the tango in camp. Yes, that's right, they're doing the tango. The Tango Maureen, I believe. Scout, watching them, voices her suspicions to the camera that Julie and Leann have become close and Julie may have usurped Scout's place in the hierarchy. Hmm, let me think about that one. Scout also repeats that she can't Elazya and the both of them have "tension". Come on, those two, look at Julie and Leann. Let's make up by doing the tango! Scout wonders whether there will be changes that will send her packing in the end. I can't wait for that to happen, really.

Pookie yawns. She doesn't like the dancing.

Lea, elsewhere, tells Twila just how betrayed, et cetera, he feels at Twila's betrayal. In the process, out comes Julie's lie. Oops. Lea asks Twila why she didn't come to him and talk things over with him when Julie told her the big lie. Because Twila saw him letting Julie cozy up to his crotch and more, that's why. Sometimes I wonder whether men are really faking at being obtuse because they can't really be that dumb, can they? But watching Lea, I'm starting to suspect that some men may be. Twila, who must really have issues with her own gender, says that she feels bad about screwing over the men because she likes men better than women, she feels comfortable with them, and hey, Twila, today is her lucky day, Extreme Makeover is coming over and giving her a penis, hurrah.

Chad3P0 finally sees the light in what seems like a few hours before the Tribal Council. Hey, they can vote with Twila and Elazya and force a tie! Wow, Chad3P0, he's such a genius. But it may be a case of enlightenment dawning too late as Twila tells the camera that she will do what it takes to get ahead while Chris says that he feels that it is more important to be in the women's good graces right now as the women have the numbers.

Night, Tribal Council. Probby asks Elazya about her position in the tribe and Elazya makes everyone - and me - laugh by pointing out that she's the only woman here who has her bags packed because she is determined not to get the "Rory syndrome" (become ridiculously overconfident and then lose). Lea announces that he sees divisions between the women - if he can't beat them, he may as well patronize them - and unless "some women" wise up, they won't last long. Gee, thanks for telling the women how to play, Lea. I don't know what they would do without his manly wisdom. Lea then exposes Julie's lie, saying that he wished that Julie hasn't "snaked" her. Hey, Lea, thanks for (a) exposing Twila's alliance with the men, (b) solidifying Julie's position with Leann and Ami, and (c) being a fool in general. It looks as if Lea is going to drag as many people down with him as he can. What can Twila say? She can only say that she likes being with men. Leann says that Twila gets a beating from both the men and women with her wavering between both sides but Julie gets off "scot-free". Julie protests, saying that the men will write her name down tonight, not Twila's. Chad3P0 and Lea will still be writing her name in postcards written in blood years from now. Chris, in anticipation for his own jump of ship, says that it is understandable that Twila and Julie did what they have to do to remain in the game.

Probby reminds them that the person booted off tonight will be the first member of the Jury (which, as the members of the Jury will love to remind everyone in the last few seasons, has a more important role in this game than the actual winner) and then sends them to vote. Ami, of course, is keeping the Dong Ring.

The women give it good to Lea in an unanimous get-lost. What is more interesting is how Lea voted for Elazya, Chad3P0 voted for Julie, and Chris voted for Lea. Chris thinks he's so clever by going with the women. The thing is, I don't think it matters much because Probby didn't reveal every vote in the urn, just enough votes to send Lea packing.

Next week, Scout wants to topple Ami and ropes in Twila and Julie. Looks like Julie is the swing vote again and most likely, a woman would go. Ami? Scout? I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Lea still doesn't get it in his final words. Those women suck, he doesn't suck because he has a great time and he is blessed because he has a family (who have watched him make a fool of himself on TV over Julie) who love him (if they still do when he gets home, that is), and other nonsensical clichés sore losers love to overuse. One more fool down, so many more to go. Sigh.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

• More