SURVIVOR

Vanuatu Episode 7: Anger, Threats, Tears... and Coffee

Previously, Ami and her band of Vanuatu Sapphodelic Babes went on a barbaric rampage on Camp JLo, plundering, pillaging, and making grown-men cry as they go on their merry way. Probby was left dangling from a branch sixty feet above the ground, held aloft only by the back strap of his "I Love Hot Boys" thong, and this show is moved to UPN after CBS disavowed it ties for Burnetto for "lewd violence and contrary moral values that have no place in the Christian, heterosexual, gun-totting peaceful United States of America".

No, really.

Credits. You know, if Lea isn't such a stupid Ugli, he could have allied himself with the Young Studs and I could have gotten more eye candy.

Instead, ugh.

Anyway, it's to no one's surprise that the last of the pretty goes tonight, unless the person has just tuned in, that is, and hence believes that these people aren't as stupid as they really are. And believe me, buddy, they really are that stupid. But before I get ahead of myself, on with the show.

Morning, day sixteen, Camp JLo. The JLos are about doing their thing, sawing wood, carrying wood, and erecting wood. Wood is the operative here, as Lea tries very hard to make viewers believe, now that there are hot babes like Julie and Twila around to spice up the scenery. Twila is especially a maneater in that luscious one-piece bikini. Those thighs make drool starts to flow and one would look at the fat juicy piece of Kentucky Friend Chicken drumstick in one's hand and sigh in disappointment at how lacking it is compared to the tottylicious Twila.

Because it won't do for people on this show to boot someone because they are perceived as a threat, at least not for this bunch, it's time to fall back on the always reliable We Are Booting Him Because He Is Lazy card. So it's now finger-pointing time to John K who prefers to sleep and laze around. Chad3P0, in his confessional, pushes his robotic foot to the camera to hypnotize people into hiring him as the new Gillette spokesman after the show and talks about how the camp is functioning like some well-oiled machine (barring a few creaks here and there) - how like Chad3P0 to talk about machines, really, seeing that he's a robot and all - and says that everyone knows their place in the tribe. Except for John K, that is. Who, if you ask me, knows exactly where he is in the tribe, right there under the sign "Dead Man Walking", which is why he can't be arsed to do any work.

John complains to the camera that he is bored because there isn't much to do around camp. Meanwhile, everyone else around him works, but I'm sure John is talking about real work like playing shadow puppets and running slow-mo on the beach while smiling at the camera. Chad3P0 walks up to the still lazing John and drops the wood he has collected to the ground in an attention-grabbing manner. John K doesn't even blink. Lea complains to the camera that John is lazy, conveniently forgetting that John is one of the major players in the last few Immunity Challenges compared to Chad3P0 and Chris the Slug. He wonders how John can sit around while the others are working. Here's how: he knows he is leaving and he can't be bothered. The others, of course, take the high horse and assuage their morals by nodding to each other. Yes, John K is so lazy, so they'll just boot him. That will make them sleep easier.

Chad3P0 and Chris the Slug discuss about how little John K works but how much the man eats. Chris the Slug declares that he will not let John K slack under his "watch". It is lovely to see that he is determined to make the dead man walking slave under his thumb while he is determined not to give the man any chance of surviving their next Tribal Council. Why bother with last meals? Put John K on the chain gang and then bring him back straight to the electric chair!

John has a headache and has to lie down. The poor dear.

And now that we have dispensed with the Lazy Bugger Montage that every season must have or it won't be an authentic Survivor, the show moves to Camp Yazoo. Rory is giving thanks to the Lord because he has "cracked" the women. See, he is such a sneaky player. He telepathically put the paranoia in Ami's mind regarding Lisa, just as he used his amazing ventriloquist abilities to put those fatal words in Lisa's mouth! Rory says that he prays every morning. Well, I guess the transmission of divine wisdom from God to Rory must be a little faulty because as far as I can see, Rory's only cracking is the one in his brain.

He is at least lucid enough to know that there is more cracking to be done before he is secure in his tribe. He decides to approach Leann and Ami to start something, he explains, and the show cuts to the three of them in some pow-wow in the bushes. Ami sucks on a sugar cane and listens with a bored expression as Rory babbles about how he does not want to leave before Elazya. Maybe his plan would work if he doesn't sound so condescending in his telling Ami and Leann about what he thinks they should do. Ami tells him that she is determined that the Sapphorific Babes are sticking together to the end. Rory tries to bring up the fact that Elazya is lazy and what not, and Leann interrupts him by saying that the women already have alliances between themselves. Ami asks Rory sarcastically to tell her what he intends to do with the guys "back home" come the merge. Rory, who of course have full intentions of rejoining his buddies, acts outraged and demands to know what she is "f**king" talking about. She tells him not to cuss at her. Rory then tries a different tack - he'll go on strike and not work if he is going. Ami isn't bothered by that. She tells him that to work or not, it's up to him. Rory insists that he doesn't care about the guys at the other camp. Alas, Ami isn't born yesterday and she brushes him off. Rory insists that he is all for Yazoo but Ami is like, "Whatever, girls rule."

Here's the thing: Rory's silly in approaching Ami and Leann with his plan. It is foolish to target someone based on her worth to a tribe, especially when we're talking about a tribe where the walking liability Scout is appointed the figurehead martriach. Rory should have approached someone other than Ami and Scout - Elazya and Leann, perhaps - and target Ami by pointing out the obvious: she has too much power in the tribe. Sigh, this season is filled with people making stupid approaches of alliances to the wrong people. Don't these people understand that they don't have to like someone to be in an alliance with that person?

Rory is on a psychotic rampage as he storms back to camp. If they boot him out, he vows, Yazoo will "burn" because he is going to "salt the earth" and get into "self-destruct mode". Okay, firstly, I think the women will throw a party if he self-destructs into a messy pulp before their eyes. Secondly, what on earth is "salt the earth" supposed to mean? Is he talking about scorched earth tactics? Or does he intend to urinate, er, "salt" all over the camp before he leave? And thirdly, am I supposed to care? Are the Yazoos supposed to be terrified? Oh no, those wee helpless ladies refuse to give Rory what he wanted and now he is going to go Godzilla on them, eeek!

It has to happen every week. The show just brings on the stupid. And just like it was every previous week, the Reward Challenge comes up before this show causes me to lose my mind and start playing hopscotch with Rory in the padded room in La-La Land. Where is my darling Jeff "You'd Love What I Can Do With My Nostrils" Proboscis? Oh, there he is. He is sardonically amused that the Yazoos booted Lisa before Rory. The JLo men, who have no intention of booting one of their own before the two women, oh no, act condescendingly surprised at the Yazoo's actions. Twila, who doesn't have "rhetorical question" in her personal dictionary, answers Probby's rhetorical question by saying that she is indeed surprised that Rory is still with the Yazoos.

Probby announces the rules of today's superbly inventive Challenge: Tribe members much each crack open a coconut and fill another coconut shell with coconut juice. Then, the person must cross an obstacle course that involves balance beam see-saws and bumps and cage doors and more to the point at the other end where the person must pour whatever juice that still remains in the shell into a jar. The first tribe to fill the jar to a level determined by a black line wins what Probby calls a home café, apparently a fancy name for a set comprising a coffee maker, some Folgers coffee powder, and plenty of croissants. There's a bonus too - letters from home for the Survivors of the winning tribe! Because it has been an interminably long time - sixteen days away from home, give or take a few hours - the Survivors are so excited to hear from people they are sure they will never see again.

From Pringles to Folgers. I see the sponsors of this show this season come from the avant garde, trendy circles.

For JLo, Lea sits out. I guess Chris the Slug must have finally discovered his balance skills between the disastrous first episode balance beam thing and now. What can I say? These people walk carefully so it's rivetting to recap them. Oh, and Scout doesn't even try. She just dumps her water and lets someone take her turn. Unlike Chad3P0 who also has some artificial parts in one leg, she's not a robot and only a cruel jerk will expect her to do something as tiresome as walking from one end to another over some obstacle courses to win a million dollars. I mean, what do people think she is doing, like on some Survivor show or something? Hey, wait a minute. Leann trips during the final take-it-home lap but somehow she manages to keep enough juice in her coconut shell to take it home for the Yazoos. The Yazoos cheer. Scout cheer too because she played a huge part in this victory. Her mere presence alone does wonders for tribe morale. Maybe I can put her up on the roof of my house like some figurehead-cum-antenna and the weather at my place will always be sunny. By the way, the women have no armpit hair. They must take Ami's follicle regime very seriously back at Yazoo.

Over at the, um, Home Café shack, the Yazoos discover a board set up with baby photos and other wonderful things people would rather die than to have the world see them. Rory, the only African-American person in Yazoo, points to the only African-American kid in the photos and tell the women that the kid is he. The camera zooms in on Leann's "I Accidentally Killed A Cat In My Stove and I'm Wearing It Hoping Nobody Will Realize That Poor Fido Is Missing" hair, Scout's bead-accident hippie look, Ami's photos from her Playgirl centerfold days (kidding, instead it's photos of her days as the long lost Banger Sister), and other wonderful photos that will make these people plan a strongly-worded speech to their loved ones when they get home. Poor Leann, now we all know what happened to Fido the cat. Elazya gets to be the spokesperson from the heart based on her wonderful sensitivity (as Leann can testify) so she tells the camera how touched she is by seeing all these photos of her tribemembers at their most tacky, ooh so sweet, let's put her face on a Hallmark card and mail it to Saddam Hussein, that sort of thing.

The camera zooms in on the coffee machine, which as it turns out is produced by Folgers and called, imaginatively, Home Café. As opposed to Toilet Café, I guess. The camera carefully shows the audience how the Survivors operate the Home Café. All that's missing as the camera zooms in on rich cups of coffee is Lisa's chirpy voice saying, "It's! So! Easy!" as she holds up the machine to her cheek and smiles after giving everyone a cheery jiggle of her synthetic mammaries. Elazya stumbles upon the pile of letters and everyone screams and cries. Oh, it's been sixteen days and they are so sure that they are never seeing their sister, mother, lover, lawyer, psychiatrist, pharmacist, et cetera, again! Because they are supposed to demonstrate that Folgers bring on the fuzzies, Rory gives Ami a kiss on the cheek. See, Folgers will give you what you always wanted - a kiss from Rory! Everyone toast to Folgers and Ami carefully puts the vanilla before the camera while asking in her best Carol Brady voice whether anyone wants more coffee.

Now everyone opens his or her letter. It always annoy me that nobody ever gets a litigation or divorce paper in this type of moment. Anyway, everyone cries buckets. Scout shows the camera a photo of her and her partner Annie whom she calls the most amazing human being on earth, maybe because Annie does all the housework back home and takes out the trash too while Scout does Titanic Rose impersonation on the weather cock of her ranch roof. Ami weeps because her mother writes to tell her that Ami's late brother, who died in an accident, is watching over her from the heavens. Because she receives divine intervention from heavenly creatures, this leads her to announce that she feels a bond with Rory, who of course hears voices in his head that claim to be from heaven. What kind of bond? The executioner and the dead row guy, perhaps. Oh, and Rory's wife writes to remind him that he will always have control over his responses to situations around him. It's a subtle way to remind him not to take action without taking the medications from dear Dr Johnson first. Rory must have heard this line a hundred times a day because he says that his wife has convinced him not to salt the Yazoo camp now. Maybe he'll just fertilize it instead. He tells the others that they will have a good chance at the Immunity Challenge because they are high on caffeine and without the usual medications these people are on, caffeine is the next best stimulant to Prozac and what-not. Everyone is happy and drinks more coffee. Thank you, Folgers! Rory however assures the camera that while it is nice to see people behaving like human beings for once (maybe I can beg to differ), he is still aware of the game and he is still playing it.

Day seventeen, morning, Camp JLo. Twila and Julie have some quiet moments by the beach where Julie plays Twila like a violin. She asks Twila whether Twila has received a Final Four invitation by the gonzos of JLo. Twila is taken aback and asks Julie whether she too has received the same invitation. Twila has, of course, given Julie the answer by her expression. She's not a good player when it comes to masking her emotions. Julie just laughs in a nonchalant "Oh, you know!" manner, letting Twila assume that the men have issued some RSVP Please invitations to the both of them. Twila now voices her doubts about the men's sincerity, especially Lea's, to the camera. Julie in her own confessional admits that she has no such invitation from the men but she deliberately allows Twila to assume otherwise in order to slowly drive a wedge into the bond between Twila and the men. She laughs with Twila about how they both end up allies in a situation like this and they part ways, leaving me feeling newfound admiration for the sneaky way Julie goes about in doing her thing.

Day eighteen, mid-morning. Hey, what happened to rest of day seventeen? I guess the editors must be as bored of the show as I am. It's time for tree-mail at Camp JLo and the mail comes with a slingshot. How disappointing, I'd prefer a noose to a slingshot. Lea immediately tells everyone that he will teach them how to use the slingshot and furthermore, the JLos will win this time because boys will always be better than gals when it comes to shooting things from a slingshot. Or something. He compares the slingshooting JLos to the slingshooting Yazoos as an SEC team against a high-school team. Some people put the chicken before the egg but Lea here is making KFC even before the egg is laid. As Lea declares that the Yazoos will never ever win and the JLos practice their shooting skills, John K tells the camera that he knows it is a do-or-die situation where he is concerned when it comes to winning the Immunity Challenge. Only the Great Dong of Kamukaba can save him now, after all. He fires. Does he hit he bullseye? What do you think?

The Yazoos have some prep talk from Rory as they practice their shooting, which means that it's all a nonsensical ramble where the sounds from Rory's mouth are concerned. Rory says he feels a "high rev" thanks to Folgers Home Café (Lisa: "It's! So! Easy!") Drink Folgers and you'll be a sad folger just like Rory, y'all! Rory says that this Immunity Challenge is a do-or-die situation for him because if they lose, he's going home. Aww, I'm sure after the Folger high, he'll have plenty of salt to nourish the soils of Camp Yazoo. Why let it go to waste?

Probby is waiting for them. Mistaking complication for inventiveness, Burnetto has produced a confusing challenge that I still don't truly understand. It's something like this: a Survivor uses the slingshot to hit at some vertical grids on a frame of tiles. But the shooter will also eliminate members of his or her tribe from the Challenge if he hits the wrong tile. So they have to hit a tile, but not that tile. Or that one. They must hit this tile instead. Or maybe just the shiny spot on Probby's wrinkly forehead. Oy.

Chris the Slug sits out for the JLos.

Chad3P0 and Rory hit their respective tiles. Okay. Then Ami and Julie miss. Scout and Lea hit. Leann hits, Twila misses. John K hits, Elazya misses. Man, I tell you, I'm at the edge of my seat during this Challenge, it's so exciting! I'm sure it shows from my words. Ami hits, Julie misses. Fast forward a little and it's Yazoo at seventeen points to JLo's fifteen. I'm crushed that they skipped some of the adrenaline-pumping scene, particularly of Scout's amazing mastery at the slingshot. Such concentration! Such power! And oh yes, Chad3P0 is really a robot - oil is leaking from the pores of his metallic arm as he does his thing. It's not bad, those arms, but why should I settle for him when I could have had him, Brady, the two Johnnies, and - um, whatshisname, Brook? - Brook on the TV screen? So he, like Lea and Chris the Slug and Rory and Bubba - the whole Fat And Ugli Alliance - is still in my bad book. Anyway, thinking of the lost eye candy makes me feel a little blue so I'll just cut the chase and mention that Rory brings it home for the Yazoos. Yay, the Yazoos win! Rory is staying! Lea, the SEC lost to a high school team! Hey, look at the bright side - no one expected the Red Sox to do what they did either.

The Yazoos celebrate by making more coffee with their brand new Folgers machine. (Lisa: "It's! So! Easy!") Rory says to the camera that he "rocked the hell outta Ami's world today". I don't think Ami cares one way or the other. He also says that Ami is the first on his hitlist now because she doesn't want him to stay in this tribe. So let me guess: he expects Ami to be grateful to him and he thinks he is so sneaky by planning retribution? Does he expect Ami to be so clueless? And can someone please kick this irritating idiot out before the lack of meds really kick in and turn him into an even more irritating idiot? Ami tells the camera that she is allowing Rory to be cocky for now because he's saved himself from eviction (she's so generous where it counts) but she is also sad that Twila or Julie will have to be eliminated as a result of this victory. The last thing this show needs is more penises, after all.

Over at JLo, Lea tells me that the JLos are going to Tribal Council tonight because they lost the Immunity Challenge. Thanks, Lea, for that tidbit. I learn something new from this show everyday. He sighs that the JLos and the Yazoos are now equal again. The last thing this show needs is more vaginas, after all. Meanwhile, Chad3P0 tells Chris the Slug that he doesn't trust Julie's boobs, er, Julie and he is sure that Julie will bail out and rejoin the Sapphorific Babes once the merge takes place. Just like how he expects Rory to do the same and rejoin the Fat and Uglis, although I'm sure Chad3P0 sees nothing wrong in Rory doing that. Chris says that Julie prefers to boot John K. Duh, of course she will. Why shouldn't she want the target to fall on someone else? Chad3P0 tells the camera that he doesn't trust both John K and Julie. He tells Chris that he'd rather keep John K and make it all guys than to include Julie. (Yes, Twila is really a guy. Chad3P0, with his bionic vision, should know better than you and me.) Chris tells Chad3P0 that the Sapphorific Babes can't be tight if the women booted out Lisa, unlike the Fat and Uglis who have booted out Brady, Brook, and John P, but what the heck, they're all so tight. Selective perspective is what the game is about this season for the idiots of JLo.

I really believe that the problem with JLo is that they are thinking of post-merge situations too early into the game. And even now, they are planning to vote based on trust issues, their decisions all centered around the expected merge. But who knows when the merge is? It could be very late, like what happens in Thailand, and by then who knows what will happen. Another problem here is the Fat and Uglis seriously underestimating the women, treating them like one-dimensional little girls and assuming that they, the men, know what makes the women tick. Are they so arrogant as to assume that Julie, whom they have make no promises to, will be so happy to remain sixth wheel in this tribe as opposed to being with the women where she and Elazya jostle for, ooh, the sixth wheel position? In short, the men offer Julie nothing better than what her old tribemates are offering her, but at least at Yazoo where Elazya has Ami's protection (for now), Julie stands a chance of at least taking Elazya's place should a power shift happens. I don't know why the men think that Julie will be happy with them, or Twila would, for the matter (especially as Twila, Ami, Scout, and Leann are the members of the old, dominant Yazoo alliance). They don't have anything to offer the women that the old Yazoo can't offer. And here is Chris acting as if he knows everything about how Yazoo works. Famous last words, I believe, of the victims of the black widow spider.

On to John K's ineptness to save himself now, where he learns nothing from the boots of his Young Stud allies. What would a cute hunk do in such a situation? Logically it would be sticking together with the outcasts and force a 3-3 tie at the Tribal Council. Twila even says in a Survivor Insider confessional that this was what she and Julie approached him for (so much for Chris' arrogant assumption about the women's complacence) but no, John stubbornly wants to target Chad3Po instead, repeating the Young Stud spiel that Chad3P0 will coast to the Final Two based on sympathy built around his bionic leg. He stupidly tells the camera that he trusts Chris the Slug and he even tells Chris that he wants Chad3P0 out. Since Chad3P0 and Chris the Slug are thick like gellatin, I don't know what John K hopes to accomplish. The whole Sympathy For The Leg thing doesn't work where Brook, John P, and Brady are concerned and I don't know why he thinks it will work for him this time around. Twila seems to be going along with John K's plan to boot Chad3P0 and she tells him that Julie is too, so he's convinced that he has some back-up alliance going. Of course, as they all leave for Tribal Council, he admits that they could all be lying to him but he's not to waste time worrying over something that is out of his hands. I may feel sorry for him if he isn't such a horrifically inept player.

Night time, Tribal Council, also known as "Insincere, Pointless Ramblings To Fill The Time". Probby roasts Chad the Slug for losing to Yazoo because losing to women is so embarrassing indeed. Probby needs to stop reliving his childhood issues on the show. The men all talk about hard work, because this is entirely the thing they base their votes on, honest to dong, and Lea calls Twila a "wanderer for exotic foods" because she goes out and gets them food they have never tried before. I hope Lea doesn't write poetry. I suspect that his poetry that make people cry in pain. John K defends his slacking around at camp by saying that he does what people tell him to do. Chad3P0 talks some more about loyalty. Julie insists that people can trust her and if they do, I'm sure she will walk around naked in camp to thank them all. Er, maybe I shouldn't have said that. Anyway, Chad3P0 can't get over the whole trust thing. Or maybe he's talking about "thrust" because he's really obsessed about Julie.

And thankfully, the whole insincere, pointless rambling session ends and it's time to vote, where everyone slamdunks John K out of the court and straight to Loser Lodge. John K gives them the devil horn gesture while telling them to take things easy and then he goes to join the remaining Young Studs in spending the day at the beach in only shorts, playing beach volleyball, bathing under waterfalls, their skin wet and glistening... oh my God, is that Lea's blurred naked butt in the preview? I hate this show. So many hot guys and I get Lea's naked butt instead. Burnetto, you SUCK.

John K in his final words rambles about something I can't be arsed to catch and oh, he also hopes that Chris the Slug, who betrayed him, wins the whole thing. Then it's time to say bye-bye to the last of the dim-witted but pretty young studs and on with Lea's naked butt. Life can't get any better than this.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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