SURVIVOR

Vanuatu Episode 6: Hog Tied

Previously, an earthquake happened and the show still managed to do at least ten different ways of sucking. That's all that people who missed the show need to know. Oh, and they switched tribe members and Bubba was booted. Who's Bubba, some people ask? Good question. He's not exactly a memorable character, is he?

Credits. Because the cast is deadly dull this season, I suggest that we save money and replace the photos of the castmembers with cheap Kodak snapshots of kitchen utensils. Scout can be the trash can, Ami the can opener, Lea the stew pot... the possibilities are endless.

Night, day twelve, Camp Yazoo, just after they've bobbed the Bubba to Loser Lodge. Ami and Rory briefly start ripping branches to add to the fire. Scout, who is all about hard work, sits on a log and stares at the fire. Hey, that's hard work too! Then Rory decides to sulk and tells the others that he wants to be left alone. Hey, I don't think any of them are eager to be in company either. He adds that the women had done something he is not pleased with - because, you see, he'd rather see himself be booted off rather than Bubba. Or something. He adds that he wants to be left alone or he'll say something that will disrupt the peace and harmony of the tribe. That's why he'd rather hold his tongue.

He tells the camera that the women made a big mistake in telling him beforehand that they would boot him instead of Bubba. So now he is going to "play up" and act like an offended moron. That makes sense: act like a total ass so that they will regret not booting him in the first place. Did Burnetto implement a mandatory brain-damaging wound to be inflicted on each Survivor become they step foot in Vanuatu?

Well, he said he would hold his tongue so I guess he must be now talking through the hole at the other end when he tells the women that he is not happy to be up at the "auction block". Yes, those women were bidding on Bubba and Rory during the Tribal Council... what the freaking heck is Rory talking about? Is he aware of how deranged he is coming off as? Scout tells him that she can't be blamed for getting him up on the auction block. After all, she hasn't done anything on this show other than to blow hot air out of every orifice on her leathery, mummified body, much less the hard work of hoisting a crazy loud lunatic grown-ass buffoon onto some auction block. Sheesh, this show is going to suck me to death one of these days and let me make this clear, that is not at all a good thing.

Rory understandably explains his two-pronged foolproof strategy to the ten people out there watching this show who must be horribly befuddled by his genius. His plan is to annoy the women but not too much, he explains, so that when he makes good with them, they'd welcome him back as a former "upset, angry brother". Huh? What makes him think they will welcome him back after they have been annoyed thoroughly by him? What makes him think that he is that important to them? I've never seen someone whose plan on this show is to annoy everyone and then act like the repentant brat to be welcomed back to the fold. Does that happen on this show? Methinks Rory have been watching too many reruns of The Cosby Show in that basement of the asylum where they locked him up before this show.

Scout tells the camera that Rory is annoying everyone else and that is making his position in the tribe more precarious. Ah, but Scout doesn't get it - it's all part of Rory's masterplan! Ask any stupid boy in the playground and he will explain the way of life: you like a girl so to make her like you back, you pull her hair and play jokes on her until she cries and runs away. That's what Rory is doing, Scout - he wants the women to like him. Scout concludes her Words from the Hag segment by saying that Rory should just get up off the "pity pot", "wipe his ass", and get over what happened to Bubba. Translation: get off his butt and get to work and cater to Scout because she certainly isn't going to do anything by herself. So there!

Day thirteen, Camp JLo. Because this show is filled with morons and I'm stuck with them until I lose it, pick up my baseball bat, and smash the TV screen to smithereens, I get Lea telling me in a lovely confessional that it's nice to have women around the place. He quickly clarifies that he doesn't need women, oh no, and men and women aren't really different, you know, which explains why Lea isn't so fussy when it comes to making warthog grunts with - men, women, dead fish, old goats, he doesn't need them, it's all the same to him, but he's glad they're around. Just like he's now glad that there are women around.

Lea is sitting with the others by the beach and while his bosoms aren't too different from Julie's (his are just a little bigger), he is keen to make Julie's breasts feel at home by focusing his eyes on them while he tries to get them to join the conversation between the guys. He's a polite gentleman, after all - he looks at the things he is talking to right in the eyes, ain't that the truth. He says to everyone that now that there are women around, his dreams are becoming more elaborate. I guess that means he is now trying six different colors of the lipstick instead of three in his Lea Minelli Does Miss Cabaret dreams. Thank you, Lea, for bringing reality to crash around the ears of people who once imagined that men in uniform are dashing, debonair, daring, and divine. I never knew they put bulldogs in military outfits and equip them with guns.

Chris the Slug tells the camera that he finds it fascinating that a beautiful woman is playing the game. What, Twila? Ow, I'm sure that pretty lady will blush. I guess for Chris, who looks in the mirror and consoles himself as he picks up the broken shards that at least he is intelligent, beauty and intelligence are mutually exclusive. After all, he's ugly but at least he's intelligent, so that makes his existence a little more bearable. For his sake, I hope he never wakes up from the dream he is living. "Somebody like that can fly underneath the radar and sweet-talk their way into the Final Five and then, you know, boom! The next thing you know, they're sitting there waiting to win the money." Thanks for telling me that, Chris. Because I swear, I still doesn't understand how Ambore won All-Stars. Now I understand. Chris can shut up now.

And then there's Julie moaning that she probably likes being in JLo better because over at Yazoo, those women are so passive-aggressive at times and she doesn't like it. That's true, I have to admit. I've worked with male and female bosses and I have to admit that, given a choice, I'd work for a male boss anytime. But this is not the place for me to tell old war stories about truly horrendous female bosses I've worked for so let's just leave it at this. To be fair, I've my share of horrid male bosses too but with these male bosses at least I know where I stand with these male bosses. The nasty female bosses always make the workplace a constant psychological battlefield and I'm never the type to play these kinds of games.

As the guys discuss inane matters like who they think got booted last night from Yazoo, Julie and Twila walk off to pow-wow. Twila says that at Yazoo she never really talked to Julie (gee, for a woman who made a big fuss about not fitting in with young women, it's nice to see that she has at least tried to make an effort) but now she is doing that with Julie. It's nice that she isn't above consorting with the enemies when her back is against the wall. When she calls herself an honest, sincere woman as to differentiate herself from the Bowheads, she really means what she says. She tells Julie that they have to stick together because that's their only protection from the men. Unless she's talking about some lesbian show to keep the man engrossed, I have no idea how her idea will work because two versus four is still two versus four. She tells the camera, "We're both vulnerable. We know it. You know, they could be blowing smoke up her ass like they're blowing smoke up my ass. You know, I don't know." Yes, she knows that I don't know either. But I must thank her for the lovely imagery of smoke blowing up Twila's ass. Can someone pass me the brick? I want to slip into a coma.

Tree-mail time for the Yazoos. Lisa and Elazya retrieve that stupid little miniature pig from the gaping maw of the tree and Lisa reads some rubbish about how the show knows that they are exhausted so the show will put some mud in their eyes to improve their comfort in their sty. Don't ask, I didn't write that nonsense and I'm sure the writers didn't either. They probably grabbed some Armenian kiddie story and Babblefished it to give the clue for this week's Reward Challenge. The women seem to think that they will be mud wrestling with pigs and they give an excited cheer. They have always wanted to mud wrestle with pigs after all.

But before the arousing sight of Scout cavorting with a giant pig in the mud can happen, Rory calls them to gather round. He wants to apologize to them for the hurtful things he told them last night in his mind. Yes, in his mind. I guess being ridiculously narcissistic is part of his plan too. At least the Yazoos are better than me in that they seem to listen because if someone apologizes to me for calling me names in his mind, I'd ask him where he gets off from thinking that I even care a little about what he thinks in the first place. Rory tells the women that he becomes "extraordinarily hurtful" when he becomes angry. Awww, so he wants to be seen as a misunderstood poor sod after all. How sweet! Rory tells them that he will be loyal to them because the men of JLo will think that he sold Bubba out and they would never take him back. But he did sell Bubba out! Oh, I forgot, he couldn't help what he did, the poor thing. He then says that he will not be doing work (or "slave around", as he puts it) for the women if he won't get a chance at surviving the next Tribal Council. It doesn't occur to him that the women can say yes now and then boot him at the Tribal Council, but I don't think Rory's mind has reached that state of development yet. At this point, his brain can only function in the key of Me, Me, Me and how the world must only react to what Me, Me, Me does.

Rory chuckles in his confessional because he has been so-ooo-ooo clever. He says that he has composed that cheesy speech in his mind and he is sure that the women won't buy it. Well, they won't, but there is nothing to stop them from pretending that they do, is there? He acts surprised when Scout leads the others into going "Awww, you're one of us!" If he has watched the same show as I did, he would know that Scout's "Awww, we're good together!" schtick hides a knife she carries under her skirt. Only she won't stab Rory in the back though, she'd just get someone else to do it for her. She's hardworking but not hardworking that way. Or something.

Before these people have irritated me to the point that I've pulled every hair out of my scalp, the show mercifully progresses to the Reward Challenge. Hello, Jeff "I'm Sure The Surgeons Meant Well When They Accidentally Attached A Penis To Where My Nose Used To Be" Proboscis. He greets the losers and points out Bubba's departure. Chris the Slug seems pleased at Bubba's departure. Lea's precious team may not be as tight as the idiotic Sarge thinks it is.

Probby explains that pigs are valuable in Vanuatu as a currency (you can trade a husband for a pig, they're interchangeable) and status symbol (as the first episode demonstrated, men with pig's blood are automatically considered warriors regardless of how the blood got there in the first place). And now, he says that the pigs are going to be very valuable to the Survivors. Oh, there are pigs in the pen near Probby. Someone has painted those pigs in either green or red, as per the tribes' colors. Probby explains that the winning Tribe will get thick, juicy steak and a BBQ set (the last which they may have to give them back, I'm not sure). The Survivors are so excited. The pigs probably are too because they, at least, aren't going to be filling those losers' bellies. For now. The winning tribe must collect ten pigs that bear the tribe colors. Each Survivor from a tribe must collect two pigs each. One Survivor can guard the gate so that the pigs deposited by the tribe members don't escape. Julie is JLo's gatekeeper. Scout, of course, is Yazoo's gatekeeper. She doesn't do that running thing, after all. She just watches and bitches at other people's progress.

John K isn't my favorite eye candy of the bunch but I'll take what I can get at this point so a shirtless wimp is still good enough for me, mmmm. Twila in that bikini, though, isn't that nice on the eyes. Anyway, amidst the grabbing and falling, pandemonium ensues, backed by pretentiously wacky music. Lisa is slow but that is nothing compared to Elazya who spends, like, an hour fretting and staring helplessly at the pigs before giving up after not even touching one of those pigs. On the other hand, Twila is just plain scary as she ambushes those poor piggies and I'm sure she would have bitten their heads off if Probby hasn't stopped her. She eats maggots. Live raw piggies will be a piece of cake. The whole thing is pretty fun to watch, actually, because there are pigs and really, nobody can go wrong with pigs.

Thanks to Elazya, who has no pig and doesn't want one, the Yazoos will have to go without beef tonight. Twila is overjoyed as the Yazoos walk home, telling the camera that the JLos "slaughtered" the competition and "done good". She's so happy when she gets her beef, I tell you. And so the JLos eat. Lea proclaims that beef is "better than sex". Maybe he means "heterosexual intercourse" because he really likes his beef, what with the state of his brainpower preventing him from forming words that have more than two syllables and all that. The JLos slurp and munch on their beef and predict that Elazya is out of there. It is interesting to watch Julie's expression as Twila rips into Elazya before the men. Julie weakly adds a few throwaway lines into Twila's feeding frenzy but I suspect that this may be a diversion to keep Elazya from being seen as a threat by the men after the merge. Julie and Elazya are thick, after all. They may be the new Jabba and High D. And Elazya will win this thing.

And you know what? I actually realize that I don't mind Elazya winning this thing. She's actually the most interesting of the Survivors, to me, because she's openly and honestly wretched, unlike the others who are wretched but at the same time use their hypocritical self-righteousness as a shield.

Oh, the poor Yazoos. They mourn by washing in the sea. Leann whines that it is very hard to lose that Challenge but hey, they did. And may I add, they lost so spectacularly at it too! She consoles Elazya as Elazya tries to pull a pity-party for one and runs around sobbing at how sad she is, boo-hoo-hoo, but Leann is so insincere in that she tells the camera that she cannot imagine how Elazya can not want to win this Challenge. She even asks rhetorically whether Elazya got dirty. Meanwhile, Rory tells Lisa that if he goes, the Yazoos will never win another Challenge again. So they better take him back after he has gone on his ego rampage and alienated them all! I love this guy. He acts as if they desperately need him to win and they should be thanking him that he is here for them. He probably talks to the trash can whenever the wife forces him to take out the trash, telling the leftovers in the Chinese food boxes that wifey will wait and see, Rory will one day prove to her what a Man of All Men he is and she will beg to take him back. And he will go back, after he has played the upset brother and annoy the hell out of her first, of course.

Now, Elazya and Ami. Ami has a glazed expression on her face as Elazya just babbles on and on and on. Elazya is on to something when she tries to bring up Scout's all-round uselessness but she botches up when she tells Ami that she would have caught a pig if Scout isn't around. Because she will then be the gatekeeper and she knows she is a crackshot gatekeeper. Or something. I don't generally pay attention to silly excuses of whiney five-year old girls so I find it hard to follow Elazya's ridiculous defense of her performance at the Reward Challenge. Yes, bring Scout down, but please, do it well in the process! Ami flat out tells Elazya to stop making silly excuses for herself. Elazya stammers and tries to keep going on her Scout Is The Reason Of My Defeat rambling and in a nice detour into non-sequitur line, tells Ami that she doesn't think the Yazoos have it to defeat the guys. Is she telling Ami to kick out the weaklings and keep the strong? Since right now everyone is seeing Elazya as a liability, Elazya should be the last person to tell others to keep the strong and ditch the weak. That's like a crossdresser in Cher regalia walking into an NRA meeting, handing out AK-47s to everybody, and inviting them to shoot.

I tell you, this show is eroding my faith in mankind.

Rory is so happy! He cackles to the camera that he has found his "tiny crack" in the tribe (the pervert cameraman cuts to a shot of Elazya's bikinied bum). Since he has done absolutely nothing to bring about this "crack", I don't know why he is so happy. Then again, I don't know how Rory thinks and I don't want to know.

As the sun sets, Julie decides that it's a lovely time to tan her bottom. Along with scraping the exfoliated skin cells on her stomach and breasts, I'm sure, as she lies on her stomach, topless, and thrusts her ass up to face the sun. She says that flirting comes to her naturally. I must be out of touch with today's trends because I never knew that taking off your top among a bunch of strangers and wiggling your ass at them constitute "flirting". Pegleg Chad stares. And stares. And stares. But I'm sure he's just seeing his lovely wife back home instead of the hussy before him. Or maybe he's practising his robot-zen skills at how long he can go without blinking. I hear that helps when it comes to winning the final endurance challenge. Lea says to the camera that hey, if Julie has "it", she can "sunbathe" it. After all, it is very important for a lady to know her priorities. That tanline is a no-no and even when a woman is starving, she must never neglect to tan her behind before combing her hair a hundred times at night. A traditionalist like Lea naturally approves of such modesty from a becoming young lass like Julie.

Twila takes her cue to cozy up to Lea. When all else fails, ladies, "flirt". If Twila can do it, everyone can do it! First she stands on Lea's shoulders as she cuts down some bananas - not, I believe, the best foreplay to conduct around insecure ugly men like Lea who have kicked out all the hotter male competitions. Then she cozies up to Sarge Bitchteats here and rests her head on his chest. Lea tells the camera that he likes Twila as a lady who can be her friend and drinking/racehorse partner. The drunk gambling addict however doesn't say that he wants to have sex with Twila or finds her attractive. Twila doesn't have "it" to sunbathe where Lea is concerned. How sad, Twila. But I'm sure she has heard that "let's be friends, oh, and can I borrow three grand for the racehorses, dear?" line many times before. But I'm sure she has never heard Lea's staggeringly romantic proposal as he tells her that "Chad, Chris, and me" makes "three" and "three is an odd number" and because "four is always better" he wants her to be with his alliance too. Is this guy for real? Of all the many mangled and totally stupid things coming out from the Survivors' mouth in this episode so far, this has to be the dumbest thing I've heard. "Three is an odd number; four is always better" - good freaking heavens. Where did Burnetto find these geniuses? Twila ponders in her confessional whether her new allies are "lying sacks of bleeped-expletive" who are just playing her. I'll go bed pondering that question tonight.

It's time for the Immunity Challenge. Probby explains today's Challenge: tribes must each carry two tiki pieces per member through an obstacle course to a platform in the sea where two tribe members await to assemble the eight pieces into a tiki. That's all. I'd prefer something more challenging, like having to navigate through a sea filled with angry jellyfish, but I'm sure nobody wants to see these idiot losers getting injured or worse. For the JLos, Pegleg Chad and Twila wait in the platform to put the pieces together. Lisa and - ta-da! - Scout will do the same for the Yazoos. People with artificial parts in their legs should mass-apply for the next season. An incomplete leg is an automatic free pass, it seems.

Splash, swim, whatever. Rory is shouting some nonsense to his tribemates but I'm sure he will claim credit for inspiring them should the Yazoos win. Which they didn't thanks to Leann literally freezing when it's her turn, unable to go under the obstacle course. John K's swimming trunks aren't as deliciously easy to fall apart like those of Pearl Island's Ryan O but I need my eye candy and I like that sight of John K diving into the water. When he gets eliminated, I want Burnetto to cancel this show and replace it with some Loser Lodge candid camera show where I'll be treated with non-stop scenes of the Young Studs diving, swimming, soaping themselves under a waterfall, rubbing their hands all over their hot muscled body, shaving, skinny dipping, knocking on my door in a complete state of nudity, offering to be my slaves... um, sorry, where was I? Oh, okay, Yazoo is going to Tribal Council again. Good job, Leann. Now, Brady, you'll be my chief masseur and John K, you can take those plate of grapes and start feeding me as Brady here will start at my legs and work his hands up. And... aw shucks, man, just cancel this show already!

Leann is depressed when they all reach Camp Yazoo. Elazya looks thrilled though because misery loves company and now Leann has the luxury of sharing the limelight in front of the bullseye with her. Leann moans and mopes to the camera and to Elazya. Elazya is thrilled, er, sympathetic, and I adore the evil way Elazya tells Leann that she truly understands what Leann is going through. Oh, karma can really kick Leann good in the butt. I mean, come to think of it, did Leann even get wet? Elazya assures Leann that Leann won't be going - Elazya rules the Yazoos, after all - and Leann sniffs, saying that the Yazoos make her feel like the best loser ever.

Luckily for Leann and Eliza, Ami is a paranoid megalomaniac (to think I considered her an under-the-radar player only a few weeks ago!) and Lisa can fit her entire foot into her mouth. It all starts when Ami decides to go collect maniocs for dinner and Lisa says she wants to go along. Ami says that there is no need for Lisa to come as it is a simple and quick task. Lisa just has to say that she wants to learn how to collect manioc in case... "You know," she tells Ami. Now, I'm sure she means well. Maybe she is concerned that a tree will fall onto Ami and cause Ami to die a long and lingering painful death. Or maybe she is worried that Ami will get swallowed by an anaconda or something. But Ami, that paranoid hussy, immediately assumes that Lisa is plotting her downfall and Ami, she doesn't like that one bit.

So there they are, Lisa, Ami, and Scout, in the manioc area. I don't know why Scout is there. Shouldn't she be sharpening her wooden leg with her teeth or something? Anyway, Ami says that she isn't comfortable with voting out Rory. When Scout says that she's voting for Elazya, Ami says that she doesn't like the idea either. She tells Scout that she will vote for Lisa after what Lisa said to her earlier today. Mind you, all this while Lisa is standing there with the two women. Lisa gasps and asks why. Ami tells her that it's because Ami finds Lisa's comment rude. Lisa insists that she's loyal and Ami forces her to swear on it in some fist-bonding ritual. But this is after Ami saying that she feels a lot of hostility from Lisa towards her. I suspect that Ami has been stealing some manioc and using them to distill her own brand of alcohol when nobody is looking. Lisa is understandably furious with Ami and declares in her confessional that she's not going to debase herself by kissing Ami's behind any longer.

Scout reports to Rory that Ami and Lisa are having a "tiff". Rory crows to the camera that "amazingly enough" his name is not coming up in the Tribal Council today. He is so happy because, as usual, his sneakiness plays a big role in arranging for this tiff to happen. Watch your back, the Robfather, Porno, and other Big Players of the Game, Rory is coming atcha!

Night, Tribal Council. Scout insists that the Yazoos are still strong even when Probby points out that the tribe has been losing since Scout reshuffled the tribes, just like how she will insist that she's a hardworking and loyal Survivor even when she's done absolutely nothing for Yazoo. Leann is still feeling guilty for botching the Immunity Challenge for her tribe. (Elazya, off-camera: "Hee-hee-hee!") Scout will vote based on loyalty. Elazya insists that she has told some people that she is trustworthy and these people can therefore trust her. (Dolly: "Did she tell me that? I can't remember.) Rory says that she hasn't told him that. Elazya tries to pretend that his opinion of her matters to her. Lisa says that people can trust her. (Mia: "I can vouch for that!") Ami wants to vote based on loyalty. Rory says that he is in the "hot spot" because he's the odd man out - literally - in this tribe. Unless he's talking about a volcanic crater under his feet, I think he means "hot seat". He adds that his "ass" is "hanging out". I shudder to imagine non-English speaking people using this show to master that language.

It's time to vote. Apart from Scout who votes for Rory, even when she's told Rory that she's okay with him, apparently because she can't write Lisa's name down, and Lisa who of course votes for Rory to keep her word, everyone else guns for Lisa. I suppose Elazya will jump at the chance to repay Lisa for that woman's betrayal of Mia and Leann will be more than happy to see anyone go as long as it is not her. Bye, Lisa. She turns to the women and says that she has kept her word before taking the long and winding road out of the game. Enjoy Loser Lodge - oh wait, isn't that where all the hot guys are? Lisa, wait, take me with you! Probby points out the obvious - the women aren't so cohesive now - and Rory grins because it's his big doing and everything is falling into place for his Grand Plan to happen. Probby sends them all back to camp and I dash for the medicinal cabinet.

Next week, er... some thing happens, I guess. What things? Well, things. You know, things.

Lisa says in her parting words that what happened to her isn't fair. I understand. But she gets to play with the hot boys in Loser Lodge while I'm stuck with useless and absolutely boring people, so that should ease the pain a little, surely?

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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