SURVIVOR

Vanuatu Episode 4: Now That's a Reward

Previously, this show is not cancelled. This week, it's still not cancelled. I'm depressed. Oh, and two people get voted out but people only remember the new Jerri Mantis in the making, Mia, but alas, she's booted before she makes any further impact on this show. As for John P, good luck in trying to remember who he is because I certainly don't. Oh, and old people hate young people and vice versa. Can we have a quadruple elimination this week? We can eliminate six people in next week, and then, Final Four by early November and just in time before the sixth season of The Amazing Race. Can we?

Credits. I have this feeling that the tribal chants are actually laughter at my expense, because for the life of me, I can't stop watching this show. The joke, therefore, is on me.

Night, day seven, just after the Tribal Council. The Yazoo tribe is witnessing an argument between Elazya and Lisa. Elazya is not happy that Lisa dared to copy her stab-an-ally technique and helped the Burly Girls boot Mia earlier. She is outraged that after the remorse she went through for taking part in booting Dolly, Lisa has the cheek to do the same. Because, see, Mia's booting is all about Elazya. Lisa just says que serra serra and decides to stop talking about it. She knows, like the rest of us, that Elazya can literally talk a person to death. Why court trouble? Elazya continues her outrage in her camera. Betrayal is evil! Except, of course, when Elazya does it. Elazya spits and calls Lisa a bitch. Back at camp, Lisa decides to talk to Elazya after all. She says that she betrayed the Bowheads because she doesn't trust Elazya.

I'm a fool in that I try to untangle her logic. How on earth is her not trusting Elazya has anything to do with Mia? Is she saying that she believes that Elazya is voting for Mia so she decides to do the same as well? That doesn't match with her statement last week that she has a Plan B or her voting booth speech to Mia (shown only on Insider), so Lisa is either a horribly inept liar or a master in revising history to suit herself.

Elazya calls Lisa in her confessional and to Lisa's face on Lisa's hypocriticism. Lisa is rightfully amazed at the cheek of Elazya casting stones at Lisa from inside the Yazoo glass house. Finally Scout just says that the atmosphere of the camp is becoming "polluted" and she's off to bed, which at this point is all she's good for. Other than bitching and moaning and being nasty behind people's backs, that is.

Twila has in her that she should try and rally the team by telling everyone that they have to stick together to beat the JLos. Without waiting for a response, she then goes to bed. Is she going to cuddle with Scout? Eeuw, forget I even mention that. Lisa tells the camera that she believes she did what was right and she is not going to take any nonsense for her decision. I wish she was that wise when she was perusing the fake boob catalogue outside her surgeon's office. Elazya tells the camera that Lisa "repulses" her and she will be "thrilled" if Lisa gets voted out. How sad, I'm sure Lisa is crushed to know that. While we're at it, let's eliminate Scout and Twila along with Lisa and I'll be thrilled along with Elazya.

Volcanoes. Bats. I get it, Burnetto, this show sucks. Enough with the craptastic imagery! Where are we? Oh, that's Pegleg Chad. We're at Camp JLo then. It's day eight. Rory and Chris the Slug are collecting wood along the beach. Rory pooh-poohs the fact that he received three votes last night, knowing full well that the Young Studs are never going to succeed in kicking him off now. Even a crazy grown-ass man can figure out that two against five is still two against five no matter how hard Brady and John K try to look at it. He tells Chris that they will both be same as long as the Old Bunch alliance holds. He thinks he is safe. "Backstabbed" obviously doesn't exist in his personal dictionary.

Poor Brady. He stares lifelessly at Rory, hating the fact that this isn't America where it's always easy for law enforcers to get the Black man out of the picture and into the slammer ASAP. Maybe he will tell his superiors back home that Vanuatu is harboring weapons of mass destruction because he just knows it. And of course, that's evidence enough to commence a mass bombing right before the next Presidential elections. John K sighs for the camera. He hates the way the game is going. Why are, as he puts it, the hot guys with great personalities being eliminated one by one? Um, hot? That's because the other guys are Fat and Ugli. As for personalities, remind me again the names of the last two Young Studs that were eliminated and one memorable line they gave on this show? John K and Brady then talk a walk in the bushes. Alas, they aren't heading for an illicit rendezvous as much as they just want to bitch and moan. John K doesn't understand why the Old Bunch are doing this. Are they deliberately trying to lose the competition? He doesn't understand why the Old Bunch think that their plan to remove the Young Studs will work. Er, maybe because it's already working? John K needs to recheck the circuitry in his brain a little as his logic is short-circuiting. Brady tries to shake some trees and a coconut falls on his head. To my dismay, John K misses the cue to kiss the man's wee little bruise away.

Okay, in a way, I can see where the Old Bunch is coming from as the Young Studs are targetting one of them from day one. I can also see where John K is coming from. My stance on this is simple: a tribe before the merge must not lose any Immunity Challenges if that is possible. Removing future physical threats at this early stage in the game is dumb because it's always a game of numbers after the merge. If the Old Bunch deliberately throw the Immunity Challenges so that they lose all the Young Studs and then enter the merge at a smaller number than Yazoos, what will save them from being Pagonged? This is one season where I wish that Burnetto will not introduce some tribal swap because I'd love to see the Old Bunch get a taste of their own medicine. But of course, I won't get my wish, which is why this season sucks. It's predictable and boring.

Brady decides to fish to prove his worth to his tribe, now that his skills in apprehending and removing scary Black men from the premise aren't being appreciated by the home turf. He does so in a predictably superheroic montage and promptly invites howls of derision from the world when all he brings back are tiny fish that will never fill the bellies of the Fat and Ugli. By the way, there's a disgusting close-up of Bubba's disintegrating Bob Barker shirt in there somewhere. Memo to the next crop of Survivors: unless they have physiques that people can enjoy watching on TV, they can bloody well stick to clothes that aren't two sizes too small for their bulk. This season is bad enough without the boring losers trying to make me lose my dinner. Brady calls the two puny fish he caught Little Fish and "his brother" Littler. I'm afraid to ask what he calls his penis. He then goes on to call Littler dumb because Littler, unlike Little Fish, stands still for him to spear... hold it. What am I doing? Sheesh, let's just move on. Bubba says that the two fish aren't worth eating. How nice. I wonder how big will those fish that he will no doubt bring in be. Rory is happy to eat those fish, though. He's probably a homeless street prophet Burnetto pulled from the projects for this show. Brady concludes that things are looking gloomy for him, John K, and people like me who tune in solely for the pretty. Without the pretty, what will this sucky season be?

Tree-mail, tree-mail! The idiot poetry tells of something great going to happen. Does this mean that the show is getting cancelled? No? Then the poetry lies. It lies. The mail hints that the upcoming Challenge involves puzzle games that test one's concentration. Ah, so that explains the Pretty Purge! The Fat and Ugli don't want taut, luscious male buttocks around the camp to lead them down the path of sin! Anyway, Bubba swears that he is good at this. At concentrating, that is. No, not at luscious male buttocks, but in the game of Concentration. Meanwhile, Twila insists that women are better than men in concentrating. That's why men always grumble that women never forget a single transgression, real or imagined, perpetuated by these men. The women, meanwhile, see a rainbow in the sky. Ami, who really should know all about the rainbows, say that this is a sign that the Yazoos will win the Challenge. Normally, I would assume that this is a foreshadowing that the women will lose, but I guess the chimpanzees running the show aren't even trying anymore to create suspense.

Creepy snake sounds pop up when the Survivors step before Jeff "I Must Secretly Hate My Job" Proboscis. Since there isn't any anaconda waiting to eat everybody, I hate Burnetto now. Probby asks, and Scout says that life at Yazoo is now more peaceful. She doesn't elaborate that it's because Mia is gone and she's now the reigning bitch queen, though. Probby asks how life can be better for Yazoo. Instead of "a nuclear warhead onto our heads", she says that they could use more skills in foraging for food. Funny, and here I thought she eats babies for snacks. Probby asks the JLos about food and Brady reminds everyone that he is the magnificent fish hunter of the JLos. Has he shown Probby his Little Fish yet?

Today's Challenge is simple: there are thirty things, arranged in pairs, placed under various covers on a table. The Survivors will try and remember what is under each cover and then take turns to uncover each lid and locate the matching pair under another lid. First Team to match five pairs win... er, what, Burnetto? Well, a native for the day, of course. His name is Da. He has ditched his shirt and trousers because Burnetto won't hire any natives that don't look like your stereotypical ugga-wugga onga-bonga barely-caveman caricature. Da has his cute little nephews and nieces design a grass skirt out of rustles just for today. We can all thank Burnetto for setting back anthropology by seventy years at least. Da will spend a whole day showing the idiots on the winning tribe how to cook, forage, housekeep, and fish with his (as Probby calls it) "rock star" abilities at survival. In short, Da is the unpaid slave for the day. Probby also takes the opportunity to rib the Survivors for faring so poorly when it's just a little over a week into the game. So which is worse, then, casting losers on this show or pampering the losers with a third-world slave for the day?

Of course the Survivors want to win Da. I'm sure many of them are disappointed that he doesn't come with fake boobs because that means he can't join their sororities. He's also too cute for the Fat and Ugli, I think. But he'll do. Just start cleaning, Da.

Pegleg Chad finds a wooden pig first. There's a bad joke in here somewhere. And then he finds a... um, "tam tam" as Probby calls it. I didn't get a close look to discern what a "tam tam" is. A quick use of Google comes up with a dominatrix site at the top of the search results and followed by a lingerie site. So I still don't know what a "tam tam" is.

Lisa goes first for the Yazoos to look for her pair (haw, haw). She finds instead a shrimp trap and a coconut. Rory finds the drum he is marching to on his own and then a wooden idol for him to use on that drum. Scout finds a gourd and a nautilus shell. There's a good "wind blowing through the ears" joke in here somewhere. This contest must be rigged because all these remarkable "coincidences" are too good to be caused by randomness of the universe. Bubba finds a grapefruit and Probby tries to make a risque joke about it only to fall flat in the effort. Only Twila finds it funny but she is always trying to be one of the guys. She probably shares her amazing collection of strap-ons with Probby. Bubba then locates another drum. This allows Ami to match the drum Rory found with the drum Bubba found. One point for Yazoo.

Brady finds a palm frond. He thinks the frond is too sissified for him and waves it away with disgust. He is, after all, the manly dude who straddled a greasy pole. He then locates another grapefruit. Lisa squeals because she's certain that these are her missing real boobs. Elazya gives her tribe another point when she matches Brady's grapefruit with Bubba's (eeeuw). Ami says that Elazya has nice grapefruits. I'm afraid to touch that one with a ten-foot pole. Chris the Slug appropriately finds the jaw of a pig and then - to Yazoo's delight - a shrimp trap. Julie nails it for her tribe. The Yazoos should thank the idiot JLos for happily opening all the lids for them. John K finds another pig jaw but can't remember which lid Chris opened for the previous pig jaw. Oops, he gets a wooden pig. This allows Leann to pair up the jaws to give Yazoo the fourth point. Lea grabs one point for JLo by matching the pigs. Well, it has to be pigs for the men just as it is grapefruits for the women. The universe often works in mysterious ways and the message it is passing loud and clear through this episode is staggeringly deep.

Twila screws up, but I'm sure she'll say she works harder than everybody else in that as well. Chris the Slug nails another point for the JLos with the coconuts. Lisa dances the Grapefruit Bongo when she finally gets the victory point for her tribe, thanks to the nautilus shells. Rory, predictably, is not amused and the men watch in defeat as the women cheer, hug, and walk home hand-in-hand to wait for Da.

For a moment I nearly had a heart attack when I thought Hagrid is making his way to the Yazoo camp by boat. No, it's actually Da. Elazya is keeping watch for him while the other women are doing whatever it is they do and she squeals in delight when she sees him. Burnetto has thoughtfully bedecked Da in stereotypical Cro-Magnon native regalia that makes King Solomon's Mine erudite in comparison so Elazya won't accidentally mistake Da for Donald Trump. Twila tells the camera that the Yazoos want to learn plenty from Da. Not, I hope, his fashion sense. Someone tries to greet Da with "hola". When in doubt, always resort to Spanish. Da, as a member of a tribe that have no use for women, ignore the Yazoos (but he'll play greasy poles with the JLos though) and goes straight into business.

Da cuts coconuts. Women say "Ooh!" Da finds edible roots. Women go "Wow!" Da finds sugar canes. Women go "Eeee!" The women coo and sigh and fall over themselves gushing about how remarkable Da is. They are also delighted that they finally manage to overcome their language barrier with Da by getting him to point at them what they can or can't eat. Da shows them how to cut open a coconut. I'm impressed. Hey, Burnetto, where can I hire one of these ignorant near-naked third-world hicks to be my slave?

Over at JLo, the men are sighing over the missed opportunities they could have had with Da. Rory declares that Da could have provided them with every "creature comfort". How nice, Rory. Here's the whip, just show Da where the slave pens are and he'll be good to go. Pegleg Chad tells me unnecessarily that tribe morale is low. It sucks not having a slave to do their work for them. No wonder they are in despair. Bubba whines that the food sucks, he misses his family, and hopes that they are okay. He claims that his kids are the love of his life. This is why he leaves them for thirty-nine days to play in Vanuatu. Pop quiz, people: who loves who more, Jabba and her dying mother or Bubba and his kids?

Rory and Pegleg Chad are now discussing Bubba around the fire. Rory declares to the camera that Bubba's missing his family is a sign for "weakness", unlike strong and macho Rory who has nobody that likes him one bit on this show. Pegleg Chad diplomatically says that Bubba sometimes lets his thoughts get the better of the man. Be like Chad, Bubba, don't think. Rory tells Bubba that people will start to say that Bubba is "tripping" if Bubba goes on about his family some more. Rory is the one to talk when it comes to "tripping". Bubba tells the camera that Rory is "misunderstood". Oh, he's right. I don't understand half of what comes out of Rory's mouth. Bubba says that Rory is a person with "strong personality". There's John K, jumping up and down and waving to Bubba, hoping that he'll be included in Bubba's list of men with "strong personalities". To prove how strong Rory's personality is, the show cuts to a scene of Rory arguing who-knows-what with Lea. Since Lea has proven that he's more bark than bite, I don't understand how exactly is this scene supposed to prove Rory's "strong personality". Unless crazy grown-ass man is now the new strong, that is. Bubba tells the bickering twosome to take a time-out and sighs to the camera that there is just not enough peace and harmony around the place. And so they kick out the hot guys... why, Bubba, why? Without hot guys around, tempers flare. Manlove would have done wonders for the peace and harmony around the place. As Ewan McGregor said in that classic movie all about love Moulin Rouge, all we need is love, love is a wondrous thing, love lifts us up where we belong, and money can't buy me love. Wait, not that last one, wrong movie. Anyway, don't kick out the hot guys, people. Just strip them naked and tie them to a tree or something.

Over at Camp Yazoo, Da is making matresses for the Yazoos to sleep on. How nice. Of course, I'd laugh when the women get this spanking new shelter only to experience a tribal switch next week. Oops, am I getting ahead of myself? Ami wants Da to catch, er, show them how to fish. Since he doesn't have anything to fish, maybe he can just dangle Ami over the cliff and hopes that a shark will leap out to take a bite. Da instead bring the women to the beachside as the day turns to dark and shows these women where and how to catch crabs for dinner. Scout, who knows expertise when she sees it, declares to the camera that Da not only healed some "ugliness" in the tribe but also showed them a lot of useful things. Like how useless the Yazoos really are, for one. And if Scout wants the tribe to be peaceful and harmonious, she can start by being less of a talk-behind-your-back bitch for once.

Morning, day nine, and it's time for Da to leave. Won't he be glad to leave when Twila insists on hugging him goodbye (he looks like he's being hugged by a particularly ancient granny with bad breath), and won't he be especially glad when the women decide to sing a bye-bye song to him that is best described as feline caterwauling. The women may think that they are blessed but one look at Lisa leading the caterwauling and he can't wait to paddle out of this show. Elazya says that the Yazoos have become attached to Da. I would be attached to a man who feed me, repair my house, clean up my mess, and do so while parading in a grass skirt too. Ami and Twila actually hug and cry as they see Da paddle away. How Gone With The Wind, really.

Over at Camp JLo, Rory goes off on his daily morning crazy-ass routine, taking the fish sling to attack trees and bushes. I'm not kidding. The next time you see this crazyass man walking towards you in the supermarket with a carton of milk, run for your life because he'd probably bash you in the head with it. Brady calls out to Rory as the latter leave with the sling, telling Rory not to break it. He then tells the camera that Rory doesn't do anything "productive" with the spear except to wander around with it for hours doing that crazyass thing of his. You know, maybe Rory can kill a chicken with it. At least that will be more filling that Brady's two little fishies, I'm certain. Brady tells Lea that Rory is never going to do anything useful with the spear and they should all get rid of Rory now because no one is going to suspect him of being a threat and Rory may end up at the finish line because of that. Lea just grunts non-comittantly. Brady tells him that they need people like Brady around to win Challenges. To the camera, Brady hopes that he has "planted the seed" - sorry, have to go get myself a cold shower there - to get Lea to think poorly of Rory. I hope this is the last time I ever put "Lea" and "planted the seed" in the same sentence.

Good heavens, how long more before this show ends? I'm getting older by the minute. Anyway, it's now time for tree-mail at Camp Yazoo where Julie and Elazya retrieve another badly-worded poem about teamwork and victory. Elazya says that it is crucial that the Yazoos win Immunity because right now Julie and Elazya are the two odd women in the tribe and they do not want to leave anytime soon.

The tribes walk into a site where giant puzzle grid awaits for each tribe. Yay, another puzzle challenge. The Young Studs' case for the importance of having physical strength in a tribe is sinking day by day. I hate you, Burnetto. The objective of the game is this: there are sixteen boxes in the grid and there are four boxes each with the same color and symbol. Tribes must rearrange the boxes so that no boxes of two same color or symbol are side by side. Probby tells the tribes to select each a person that will give instructions to the remaining tribemembers. The Yazoos choose Elazya and the JLos choose Rory. Are these two tribes trying to throw the Challenge or something? The evil Fat and Ugli people of each tribe must be really trying to eliminate the young hot ones. Don't they know that if they do, people will tune out by the thousands and nobody will care about their post-show famewhoring antics?

But surprisingly Elazya displays a clear head in tackling the problem. The Yazoos listen to her. On the other hand, the JLos who generally ignore an incoherent Rory and plunge straight into an utterly disorganized mess and force Probby to announce that Rory has lost control of his tribe. To no one's surprise, the Yazoos trounce the JLos in this Challenge. The women cheer, Probby mocks the men that they are going to Tribal Council, and the women cheer some more as the men walk back to camp with their heads hanging low in shame.

Back at camp, Chris the Slug calls the Challenge a mess. I don't know why, but just looking at him makes me feel like wanting to break something. Maybe it's his smug and loathsome face. It's amazing how a guy can grab a few minutes of each episode and still make me want to kick his bum back to whichever town he hails from. Then again, I'm sure the people in that town will hate me for bringing him back. Lea is so amazing: he blames Rory for their defeat, saying that he (Lea) knows how to solve the puzzle but he didn't lead because he wanted Rory to be in charge. Wow, that's what I call precise logic. Brady, eager to join in the feeding frenzy on Rory's hide, says that there weren't enough "directions" from Rory during the Challenge. Rory doesn't let the men bother him though. He tells the camera that the men can blame him for all he want but it's a team failure, although he's always magnanimous enough to allow the men to lay the blame entirely on him.

Bubba gently points out that Rory wouldn't be of much use as a leader when the other JLos weren't paying attention to him. By jove, he's right! Lea however dismisses that, saying that they didn't pay attention because all Rory did was to give them a blank stare. That is a lie, of course, but I guess Lea needs to somehow assuage his ego at someone's expense. In this case, that will be him pretending that he could have solved everything but he was stupidly considerate enough to give Rory a chance to shine.

John K approaches Travis in a rendezvous and asks Bubba whether Rory is still in the tribe because he is being perceived as a non-threat. As opposed to Bubba being perceived as a non-threat, I presume. Or Chris the Slug. Travis says that Rory is here because he is good at puzzle-solving. I don't know what Rory feeds these idiots but I want some whenever the in-laws drop by for a visit. John K is understandable skeptical but he keeps quiet. Bubba asks John K whether John K is willing to vote out Brady with the rest of them just to prove to the Old Bunch that John K can work with them. How nice. What's to stop them from booting John K out next week? Bubba needs to work on his salesman skills. John K reminds them that they need physically strong men like Brady and him around to beat the women. Travis just looks down on the sand and in the end reminds John K that every shot in the tribe is called on by Lea, not Bubba. It is not Bubba's decision to make whether to save John K or not.

Rory and Chris, singularly the two most repulsive men on this tribe, talk about how Lea is bossy and how maybe they should worry if Lea decides to align himself with John K and Brady. I love how these men so openly tell each other what they want to do in this game. Who needs secrets anymore? Likewise, Lea tries to pretend that he's all about meritocracy as the men get ready for Tribal Council. Brady is a hard worker, he says (cue Brady cutting down some coconuts - whether the coconuts are in any way a metaphor for a portion of his anatomy, I'll leave that to someone else to judge), while Rory is just plain wacko. Oh, what shall he do? Of course, he'll vote out Brady anyway because he's all about rewarding people who work hard. Asshole.

Night, Tribal Council. Probby, right now the only man that looks hot when compared with Joe Rogan or that creepy man with big gums who used to host The Price Is Right!, taunts the men for losing to women and the men rise to the bait. Bubba tries to give Probby some "tomorrow is another day" spiel and Probby flat out tells him that Probby isn't buying any of that. Bubba will never cut out as a salesman. Pretty Brady tells Probby that the men are thinking too far ahead to post-merge situations and they will regret it when they lose to the women because there are no men that can run a few hundred miles without collapsing onto the ground. That theory may work if the fricking Yazoos aren't doing the same thing to the young hot ones of their own. Chris believes that the women will never be able to work together. Gee, I don't know, considering that they worked together earlier today to trounce the men in the Immunity Challenge. Pegleg Chad mumbles some nonsense about how when some people play individually, he has to as well. He's this tribe's Lisa, by the way, in the sense that he's not actually old just as Lisa isn't that young, yet he is hanging out with the Old Bunch just as Lisa used to hang out with the Bowheads. John K declares that he can't help being strong and laments that there is nothing he can do if he's voted out. I doubt John K can be in any way considered "strong" the way, say, Colby is "strong", but at the rate the pretty is being decimated, I'll take what I can take. Brady says he's voting on the basis that his tribe will be stronger when this person is gone. Whatever, time to vote.

The remaining tribemembers unanimously vote for Brady. Rory says that sometimes the spirits dictate who should go and apparently this time the spirits tell Rory that Brady should go. Or something. What a crackpot. Brady votes for Rory, hoping that third time's the charm. No luck there, pretty. He stands to get his torch snuffed. Probby mildly scolds the men that voting out the strong (and pretty) too early can decimate the men before running off to sexually harrass Brady in Loser Lodge. Brady says good-naturedly that the whole situation sucks in his parting words. And then the pretty is gone, along with any other reason to watch this show.

Next week: an earthquake hits Vanuatu. Nobody dies though so there's still no point in watching.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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