SURVIVOR

Thailand Episode 3: Family Values

Now this is more like it! For a moment there, I thought I was watching Big Temptation Brother Island. There is nothing like a sexual harassment case between two loathsome people to make my day.

"He's so good to hug!"

The show begins in Chewing Gum. Ghandia the Cow is talking about she and Saggy Manboobs have been getting close. We see her great paw slapping over Saggy Manboobs' huge thigh. It's like watching Shrek and his troll girl in some weird courtship ritual. Mr Cow and Mrs Saggy Manboobs at home must be enjoying the show and getting the arsenic ready.

Cut to the sight of those two spooning. Oh yeah, I can just imagine how delighted the Cow and Manboobs clan must be. "Mommy, mommy, look! Daddy's on TV rubbing his manboobs against the cow!" I don't know about anyone else, but if I'm married, I won't spoon with anyone else. Spooning's rather intimate unlike, say, hugging or holding hands.

Burnett must be getting desperate for ratings. Maybe he is hoping that Mr Cow will take a gun and hold everybody hostage at the studio the next day. Although if he's pulling a Temptation Island on me, can I ask that the tempters and the temptees be a little more... cute?

Cut to Soochie. Everyone's tired because they have no food. Tooolll moans in his irritating cavernous gung-gang troll sound that he has no energy. If he will just quit breathing, maybe he will find it more to his liking. Jake shows off his lovely blister, hoping that Toooolll will be motivated to pick it and use it as a source for protein. Shii Devil says she is Ally McBeal's size.

Eight people in a tropical island surrounded by fruit trees and wild life, and yet they are moaning that they have no food and energy? Why are they on a gameshow called Survivor?

Back to Chewing Gum, where the Cow is not happy. She says that Saggy Moonboobs got a little bit intimate with her last night. Lots of "grinding" and hands movements and all. She confronts Saggy, and things seem okay. He says that he thought he was spooning with the woman at home, and he stopped when he realized that it was a cow he was pressing his saggy manboobs against. He apologized, but this is not before the Cow telling the TV folks just how much grinding and touching and nibbling have been going on.

Why do these people do these things to themselves? The camera is watching 24/7, for goodness sake!

The Cow weeps and says that she's glad all this is out, they talk face to face, and she forgives him. They hug, happy again. Maybe their families can get together at Christmas for one big giant spooning.

Oh, reward challenge! It's a beach thing. Several planks cris-cross in a network and connect a pier to two boats, and in each boats were... things, I guess. Each team must cross the planks and take one thing back to their station. On some planks were marked areas called the attack zone. You can push your opponent from the rival tribe off, and whatever the fallen one is carrying is forfeited. The winning tribe is the one with most things, and the reward? Since everyone is dying and starving because they just realize that there is no pizza in a remote island in Thailand, the winning tribe will get two Red Berets (Thai special force guys) to come over, fix up their tents and shelters, show them where and how to prepare food, and secretly laugh at the stupidity of these American famewhores pretending to be hardy adventurers in a TV show.

Soochie have two extra members. Jake sits out. So does Erin, because the tribe remembers that Boobavich encountered some problems in the last episode with her balance and posture thanks to some overcompensation in the upper torsal region.

And woo-hoo! Fight!

Bray versus Stephanie - splash goes Stephanie! Hee hee.

Oh, oh, Saggy Manboobs knows his stuff. He gets on all four on the plank, a bald, shiny hippo with giant swaying udders, and blocks Tooollll's path. Tooooollll, hypnotized by the power of swaying udders, almost fell under Saggy's power, but the Tool Dark Powers in him were too strong for Saggy. Aaaaaaargh! Down goes Tooooollll. I love this show. What will make it better will be a school of piranhas feasting on the losers. Toooollll's screams of agony will win the Grammy Award for Inspirational Song of the Year.

Ken Doll versus Porno. Ohmigod, this is like a porn show, people. The cop and the sleazy salesman. Maybe Ken Doll will punish Porno with his huge bulbous baton. Splash! There goes Porno's scrawny frame into the water. Maybe there is some hidden sexual imagery in that scene, but I'm so not touching that.

Ken Doll is on a rampage. He pushes down Jan the Grandma too. A cop, bullying the useless, scrawny hen? You go, Ken Doll, make NYPD proud, now go beat up the Tooollll.

Alas, Proboscis, not familiar with the ways of the NYPD, points out that Ken is not in the attack zone when he delightfully manhandles the deadweight Jan the Hen. He's out!

Tooollll shows his middle digits in anger. Ugly and stupid. Can anyone ask for more in such a man?

Toollll then grabs Bray around the neck and choke. Oh my god. I almost fell in love with him there and then, thank God at that point I also caught Brian in those tight black trunks and my sanity returns.

Saggy Manboobs calls Tooollll a whiny boy. Whiny boy? Hah! Try brain-damaged walking car accident.

Saggy Manboobs, continuing his butts-up, heads-up Charging Hippo Of Death stance, pushes Stephanie into the water. She trips him, and is disqualified as a result.

"Soochie, you're self-destructing," Proboscis calls out. My, that man is so perceptive. Put him in front of a death charge in Afghanistan and he will report, "I think we're in trouble."

Oh, oh, oh! It's Jed vs Porno! Now this is good stuff man. The missionary dentist student's naked torso smacking against Porno's, oh my. I am willing to convert to any religion whose deity will make those two wrestle on the plank and rip off each other's shorts in some Roman Bacchanalian orgy brawl, but alas, religious enlightenment eludes me still. Splash goes Porno, the second time he fights with a man and causes all those fluids to geyser out from the sea (memo to self: must stop seeing so many dirty symbolisms in TV shows). If George Duroy is reading this, hey, go hire Jed and Brian and give us a porno video of those two, will ya?

Jed is disqualified - he attacks Porno when he's not within the attack zone. Porno must have some hidden mojo that overcomes his repulsive chest to get Jed all worked up and charging at him so lustily like that. Then again, can I blame Porno for losing to Jed? If I see a shirtless Jed charging at me, I don't think I want to move away. Crash onto me, baby, and smash those lovely muscles against me until I give in!

The Cow barks. Let's ignore her.

Bray evades Penny. Chewing Gum wins.

The Cow, whom I haven't seen doing anything in this game, come to think of it, howls in joy and hugs and kisses everyone, yes, including Saggy Manboobs. I think Porno threw a longing backward glance at Jed, but that's probably a figment of my imagination. Aw come on, the Missionary Dentist and the Porn Star - it's a match made in heaven! (Besides, have you heard the joke about the missionary and the used car salesman? Never mind.)

Soochie is not happy at their loss. Or rather, Tooolll is ranting and raving like a complete lunatic with all his screws loose, calling Porno a "weak, whining punk". With his pathetic diction of the English language, it comes out like "Ugha ugha ugging unk!" Oh, so much suppressed man lust there - Toooolll must be more affected by the grazing of Porno's chest against his earlier in the game than he let on. Really, what's with Porno making all these people lusting after him, man? It can't be that chest or that wimpy stubble. Oh, yes, it must be those tight and short black boxer briefs he keeps wearing. Oh yes baby.

Shii Devil calls Tooollll an idiot, proving to me that I'm right in rooting for this gal. She says that Toooollll cannot possibly have any logical thoughts in his head judging from the way his mouth is always flapping. Actually, Shii, if you listen closely, it's not his voice, it's the sound of stinky swamp bog rising from his fetid gastrointestinal cesspits to pass through Tooooolllll's cavernous skull from one ear to the other.

Back to Chewing Gum, the Red Berets are fixing the camp up while the tribe members stare at them the way people at the circus will stare at two pink polka-dotted gorillas mating in a cage. Brian's chest is really ugly, but that's it, Porno, scratch your thighs, and yes, lift those shorts a little higher up your thighs... drats, then comes Saggy Manboobs' jiggly mammaries onto the screen and my hypnotism spell is ruined.

The Cow feels that Saggy Manboobs' earlier apology is "disingenuous". She then tells Jan and Helen, exaggerating things but leaving out Saggy's apology. At this point, she's completely lost me by playing the victim card in that crappy passive-aggressive way. Do I need to hear all about the nibblings and grindings?

Maybe right now Mr Cow is buying a gun, and tomorrow, the headlines will be "Enraged husband takes Burnett's entourage hostage". Jeez, Burnett, if you're so desperate for ratings, here's a nicer alternative: Jed and Porno's discovering true love, Blue Lagoon style (Jed: "What are you doing behind those rocks?" Porno: "Stay away!"). Or how about Lord Of The Flies style cannibalization of Toooollll and Cow? You know what, I think I'll stick to Big Brother - they do sleaze and T&A so much better.

As I predicted last episode, Soochie may have won the fishing lines and net, but they have no idea jackcrap how to use them. Jed and Tooolll wake up and realize, wa-hey, the net is missing! It has floated off to sea!

"Heh heh, the net is missing, y'all!" Toooolll gurgles like a brain-damaged Neanderthal. I weep tears of pain. Is there a more loathsome, odious creature in the planet?

Jed is shirtless. He is also wearing a pair of shorts that have large oval brown patches on each leg. He looks as if he's walking around with giant, brown swollen testicles. It's rather... distracting.

Jed tells the shocked gals (Shii, Erin Boobavich, Penny, and Stephanie) that the net is missing. Tooolllll guffaws. Idiot.

Again, Shii Ann cracks a funny at Jed's expense. She is so this season's Jeff Varner. I like her.

In Chewing Gum, Helen too falls under Porno's mojo, and she confides in him that she and Jan will side the Cow and axe Saggy if they lose the immunity challenge. Brian's still in those lovely short black rowers that left very little to the imagination. Feel the mojo, Helen. Porno's so gonna win this thing.

Porn wants to get Saggy's part of the story. I guess his own job - a double whammy of softporn and used cars - have taught him the painful lessons of being judged so harshly at first impressions. (Not that I judged him harshly - from the waist down, he's still cool with me.) He then reports to Helen that Saggy denies everything. Helen then reports to Cow. Oh boy, this is like grade school all over again. She told! No, you told!

A big bust up. Cow loses it, she screams like a banshee over the sea, and then starts... uh, kickboxing a tree trunk and practises discus throwing with rocks from the beach. At home, Cow's husband must be nervously changing the locks to the knife cabinet. Bray says that she's acting like a twelve-year old brat, she's crazy, and yeah, she does look crazy. Blooming insane actually.

I love this show.

Saggy Manboobs says that Cow is making an issue that is very small. Small, huh? You said it, Saggy, not me.

It's now Cow vs Saggy. Saggy gives a lofty explanation, and the men nod. Silly women, they are probably thinking. Saggy congratulates himself on clearing matters and believe that they can work together again. Uh, I don't think so, judging from the looks on the women's faces. (Although I bet that useless parasitic hen Jen would abandon her female tribemembers in favor of trying to do a Tina Wesson with the men.)

Anyway, is there a way that both Cow and Saggy be evicted together if the tribe loses immunity today?

Immunity challenge time. Finally.

Erin Boobavich says that they are so tired, there have so many members that aren't doing anything to the tribe, so they are ready to evict somebody.

I think that is why they actually let Jed and Toooolllll, two of the least sharp ones of the tribe, take the lead. They want to deliberately lose this thing and kick someone out.

Proboscis calls this challenge "Temple Transferance". Me, I'd call it "Oh great, another block rearrangement puzzle". I'm not even going to describe that thing - if you have watched the previous seasons, you will recognize this one: same game, different blocks.

To think, Burnett didn't even make them all do the challenge butt naked. The nerve of the man.

Chewing Gum wins. "Thank God!" Cow goes, and Saggy chimes in. As they should. By winning immunity, one of them who is definitely leaving is granted another three day reprieve.

Now, it's time for one of Sochee to die.

Kill the Toooolllll!

Tooolllll, Jed, and Stephanie, the DIY Alliance, try to persuade Ken Doll to evict Shii Devil. Ken, however, believes that "some tribe members" are not only lazy, they are hurting the rest of the team. Ooh. I shiver in delight and anticipation.

Tribal Council.

Shut up, Toooollllll.

Shut up!

Jed gets the cut, 4-3. 3 votes go to Shii Devil, but as these votes come from the DIY Alliance, it is clear that Stephanie and Toooolllll will be the next to go after Jed.

I'm kinda disappointed to see the end of the Porno and Jed Love Story That Never Was, and oh yes, those abs and buttocks will be so sorely missed. But then again, that guy's annoying sulky face and his inability to mingle and blend in with his tribe get him his just desserts. He walks out alone, and he never actually thanks anyone except Stephanie and the Lord in his eviction speech. He's just alone, and somehow I get this impression that he likes it that way. Bye Jed. Keep those pecs forever firm and the fires forever burning for Porno! It's destiny, dear - why fight it?

And as for Porno, his mojo is on a roll. Oh yeah, baby, a big freaking oh yeah indeed!

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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