Thailand Episode 2: The Great Divide

How many ways can one say "suck" in Thai? It's just episode two and already I'm feeling as if I'm being sucked into a morass of, well, suckydom. Is it me or am I watching some recycled episode of Survivor from previous seasons? Part of the reason is because Burnett keep casting the same old frigging contestants again and again. The same old sweet gals, bossy women, bartenders, old fools, and they get voted out in the same order as in every other previous season.

And to top it off, these season's contestants don't even give good eye candy. Jed keeps his shirt on for too much of this episode, while Clay keeps his off for way too long, and I feel ill. Oh, and hubby feels ill, because that scrawny old hen Jan insists on wearing that bikini. Not that we are discriminating against oldies - we are in that category ourselves - but when oldies go on TV, they bloody well make sure they look good.

This episode starts with a close up on three fugly male bare torsos: Ted's saggy manboobs, Clay's scrawny and grey-curled spotted chest, and Porno Brian's weird chest. The last one is weird because it's too artfully groomed in the chest hair, as if Porno here has brought along an electric shaver and using Ted's manboobs as solar power dish, uses the shaver to groom his chesties every morning.

It's morning in Chewing Gummy land, and the gals are complaining that Clay snores. Hah! He sounds worse when he talks, he sounds like Paul Reiser gone hillybilly. Listening to him is like drilling a hole into one's skull - excruciating. And he just have to talk, talk, talk almost all the time. Let's call him Bray from now on.

Helen and Jan decide to take the boat to look for water. Since they evicted Pastor John last episode, no one probably knows the place well, so unsurprisingly, the two dingbats got lost. Jan can't paddle for smelly peanuts, so in the end, Helen wins me over by saying that if she has a gun, she'll shoot Jan first, then she second. "That's why I don't have a gun."

But she probably wishes she has, as after she has lugged her ass off carrying a heavy bucket of water, she returns to the boat to see Jan floating on her back, enjoying the sun. She probably wishes Jan is as dead as she looks at first.

Meanwhile, Brian, Bray, and Ted, the three Ugly Torsos, play golf using Bray's luxury item. Brian looks kinda hot in those tight black boxer briefs, but that chest negates everything. This man is a softporn star? No wonder "David Roth" also sells used cars. At least when he keeps his shirt on, he may still be able to sell a car or two, because yeah, he kinda looks hot in a psychotic creep stalking you in the bar kinda way. Just don't talk, and keep that shirt on, thanks.

On to Soochee. The guys all build shelters, except for Jed who nominates himself as Chef and Stephanie who, er, does something. Only these two forget to tell the others, so Ken Doll looks at them both disapprovingly and calls them lazy.

Oh please, Burnett, you're not fooling me. I didn't like this tribe when it was called Samburu, nor did I when it was called Rotu, and no, I still don't like Soochie. Get your lazy ass editors to create some new storyline out of these 15 lazy bums wrecking havoc on Koh Tarutao's scenery. How about Jed and Brian getting some hot man-man lovin'? Now that's something worth watching, I tell you. The Porn Star and the Missionary Dentistry Student. "Oh, Brian, use that drill on my cavities! Floss me, you hot stud, oh, floss me, baby! Oh, oh, OH!"

They finally erect a silly shelter. I've seen huts in war-torn third world countries that look like the Great Wall of China compared to that thing they made. Jed, Stephanie, and Toooollll sleep under the stars, forming the DIY (Dumb Inane Youngsters) Alliance. Storm comes, and I giggle gleefully. Jed flees back to the shelter, but Stephanie sleeps like a trooper until she gets ill in the morning. Moron.

In Chewing Gum, it's Helen's 20th anniversary with her husband, and she laments that it's hard being away from him. Hmm, then why do you sign up for this game, dumbass? Porno plays the guitar (his luxury item), and Saggy Manboobs yodels like some mashed potatoes overheated in the oven. He thinks it's funny. It's not. Tanya and Ghandia make Helen a necklace of flowers, and all screech painfully - Jan's chicken smelly stuff voice rising to a hysterical cackle - in a song for Helen. Helen weeps. I weep too - in pain.

"How do you vote off people who are so nice to you?" she laments.

Helen, just think of the one million dollars. See, it's not that hard anymore, isn't it?

Reward challenge. Ghandia suggests using her cleavage to distract the men. Burnett, telepathically overhearing her, immediately devises a blindfold challenge. There is a God alright, and His name is Burnetto. Proboscis stands there, smug as always. "Teamwork and trust," he intones is very important in this game. Yeah right. Each team will select someone as their third eye dog, hoists the dog on some dais thingie, and each of the rest blindfolded, will listen to dog's instructions. Dog will guide them on a figure-8 path, where the dog will then stop at eight points along the way to cut down colored bags. The first team to comes back with all bags wins fishing hooks, fishing lines, and a 30 metre fishing net.

It's as scintillating as it sounds, that game.

I am hoping for a collision, but no. Soochee wins, not that I'm sure the losers know even how to use those things. But I can always hope that someone will go berserk and use those lines to murder everybody else - now that is good reality TV. Anyway, Chewing Gum is feeling blue and sad, predictably. I am blue too, because Penny, playing Soochee's third eye dog, shrieks "To the right! To the right! To the riiiiiiiggghhhht!" at this so high pitch that I'm sure all the windows in Thailand must have been shattered by now.

At this point, the excitement is at a fevered pitch. Chewing Gum finds squids washed up on the beach (Burnetto must have uploaded them there during the night)! Helen cooks squid! Nobody likes to eat squid! So much hot stuff, people, you have no idea what you are missing.

Immunity time. Thank goodness. Fifteen more minutes before this crap show ends. This is a beach thing, so we have all the saggy manboobs and ugly tattoos (Toooolllll, I'm looking at you) bared like a horrifying parade of self-mutilation expose. This is another exciting game. People, dive down and pull up some silly petal flotsam thingie and take them to the center stage where everyone is waiting. First team to pick all pieces win immunity.

I can hardly contain my excitement.

Jan the Chicken Hen costs Chewing Gum their immunity. Erin Boobavich loses her balance thanks to an abnormally high center of gravity, falls into the water, and Proboscis' expression is priceless. His expression and Helen's shooting Jan comment are the only things worth watching in this sorry, deadly dull episode. It's a tight race, as Penny almost ruined Soochee's race, but in the end, Soochee wins immunity.

Ghandia shows her lethal, cow-like stupidity then by nominating Helen. Who will cook squid and take water for the team then? Maybe the rest of the useless tribe members can cannibalize you for food then, you dumb cow. If these people have a single brain cell between them, they'll vote that useless waste of space Jan out. Unlike fellow senior citizen Jake who can hold his own, Jan is a shrill, irritating waste of space. Wait, vote Bray out. He's another useless waste of space with added charm of being smug and condescending as hell.

But in the end, Tanya, sick Tanya, gets the cut. She blows the tribe that stabs her in the back a kiss, vowing love and friendship, and I kick the TV screen. No, I didn't, but I wanted to. This episode is way too long and filled with nothing, except stupid people acting like spoiled snits.

Next week: Ghandia screams like a constipated banshee rhinoceros.