SURVIVOR

Thailand Episode 10: While the Cats Are Away

Firstly, let me start by asking this: how the freaking hell did that insane bat Jan the Hen manage to last this long into the game? This is a crazy woman who buries her dinner and in this episode, wants nipples - nipples! - on her thermos flask. And she is a first grade teacher? I can see it now: "Children, now that we have buried Osama the pig in the garden, we shall now take out our crayons and draw nipples on our water tumblers and lunch boxes. What's that, Katie? What's a nipple? Let me take off my blouse and show you children what a nipple is..."

I hope for the sake of these kids Jan win the million dollars and found herself a loonybin asylum.

Then again, it would be lovely if she somehow slithers under the rampaging alpha males in this show and wins the million dollars. Words cannot describe the remarkable irony/perversion/twist that will be if Jan the Hen, the crazy Tupperware-nipple-loving, grave-digging, batdung insane woman from Texas wins the money while bumbling and tipping her way like the mad woman with unruly Medusa hair that she is.

Anyway, the show. At this point, Porno is the only pretty contestant left - and that's even pushing the definition of "pretty", come to think of it. We have Saggy and his bloatus, the evil short gnome Bray and his ass fetish, the bow-nag Helen who with her tightly-pulled back hair and sharp facial bones make her look like a shrunken head you'd find in Borneo anthropology museums, Penny and her evil glowing eyes and dull flat monotone, Jake the Fake and his slimy failed Lothario wannebeness, and yes, there's Janny the Batshitey Hen. We may as well rename this show Ghoul Revivor and be done with it.

Anyway, it's night 30 and instead of a full moon, we see a sunset. A lovely sunset to offer little consolation for the ugly freakshow that will follow. We are now looking at Chewing Gum... wait, the tribe has merged in a blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment of anticlimax and now it's called Chuay Jai. Or rather, five Chewing Gums and two sitting duck Soochees. Oh WTF, it's still Chewing Gum, so I will call them Chewing Gum.

Anyway, sunset. The Insane Hen, Evil Penny, and Helen row a boat, giving Miss Thailand a run for her money. "Run" being the operative word, that is.

Fake rubs his lower lips as he probably contemplates how unfair that he has chosen a tribe of gorgeous athletic people only to see his tribe self destruct faster than you can say "Oh my heck!" and leaving him here in the loneliest game of musical chairs in the world. Or maybe he's just thirsty. I don't know.

Saggy Manboobs squints at the sun, a Picasso inspiration for a bloated beached barbecued whale motif in artworks everywhere. He is annoyed that the three Soochees voted for him in the recent Tribal Council. How annoying! I mean, jeez, can't those Soochees vote for their own or volunteer to be evicted or something? Who the hell do the Soochees think they are to mess with Saggy Manboobs? He's Grindmaster Saggy, how dare they even vote for him? The outrage!

He decides to sit beside Fake and asks Fake about his vote. Fake tells Bray that 'someone' from Chewing Gum told him that Chewing Gum intended to vote Saggy out, and here Fake stupidly loses his chance by not revealing this 'someone' even when Saggy asks. Don't these people know anything? Porno and Bray, at this point, are playing everybody, and Fake, being the center of the strategems, knows it. Use the knowledge, loser, and create the wedge between Porno/Saggy that you and the others really need to advance in this game!

Then again, Fake is such a lousy speaker that he comes off like a complete liar even when he's telling the truth. Saggy doesn't believe him, cementing Fake's status as the 'Snake' (as Porno and Bray call him) that cannot be trusted. Saggy tells the camera that he is lying to Fake and Fake is lying to him, and it's okay with him because he knows that's how the game is playing. Newsflash, Saggy: you don't. You're an idiot. You're being played by Porno and you don't even know it until you're bent over in the shower and Porno gives it to you.

Bray and Porno pow-wow with Saggy as Saggy unloads his problems with Fake. Bray chuckles and Porno just nods, an used car salesman and softporn superhero wearing a crucifix, advocating woman-kitchen-laundry principles, and boasting an ugly hair chest and the sexiest stomach ever. Now that's what I call complexity, Survivor-style.

Besides, I like his hair. I don't know why, I normally don't like the George Michael/Duranduran hair-mullet thing, but I find Porno looking good with that hairstyle from tacky hell. Then again, I watch Survivor - I have no taste.

Porno knows full well that Fake is trying to play both fences - which is exactly what Porno is doing, double-banging both Bray and Saggy in an adulterous race to a million dollars, only Fake is doing it with ten times the smaller ding dong and a million times more ineptly. Poor Fake - outdonged, outsmarted, hoisted on his own petard by the omnipotent Porno. Porno suggests that the heat and the lack of food is wearing Fake and the weaker ones down, so he is confident that he of the long lasting stamina will be the one to keep pumpin' long after everyone else has collapsed in exhaustion.

Bray is hungry too. He says that they can't find a crab in ten days. Yeah? You're just lucky they didn't boil you and eat you up then, you short nasty midget.

The Insane Hen says to Helen that they may have to eat snails. I've read how insane people tend to eat bugs and slimy protists and molluscs. Jan the Hen, meet Renfield the Bug Eater, and may Dracula suck the both of you dry. No, wait, don't. An immortal vampire Jan is truly something out of the most twisted nightmare.

Helen the Shrunken Head is understandably aghast at the notion of eating snails with Jan.

Bray talks about food.

This is really exciting, isn't it? If I have a set of testicles, I'd be scratching them now in boredom.

It's time for the Reward Challenge. "Welcome to another hot day in paradise," Jeff Proboscis, in black khaki that just screams "Tacky Townie", intones. I'll have that glue after you're done sniffing with it, Jeff luvvie.

Basically, the game is this: first they walk on planks, then they crawl on their bellies, then climb walls, and finally tiptoe on narrow logs. Or something. I can't really care, because I am more interested in watching to see whether that mosquito will fly into my hubby's snoring wide-opened mouth or one of his two flaring nostrils. (Hubby asks me to wake him up when somebody on the show either dies, gets mutilated in the genitals, or kills Jeff Proboscis or Bray in a fit of righteous madness.) The prize is an elephant ride to a hill where they can eat Thai food. Exciting. Jeff holds up that fake Visa card - so, at least Visa is sponsoring this show - and wants me to believe that elephant trainers in this rural area of Thailand accepts Visa. Right.

Survivors run in teams. Only we have seven people, so poor Fake is left staggering when everybody pairs up and leaves him standing at the starting line. I'd be more sympathetic if it's not Fake we're talking about here.

Bray pairs with Porno, Helen with the Insane Hen, and Saggy and Penny form the third team. The Insane Hen can't do the plank work, causing her and Helen to be out. Saggy almost emasculated himself on a plank, and hubby is still annoyed that I woke him up for nothing. Oh well, I really thought he would be speared by that plank at that moment. Damn. As hubby rolls back to sleep, the two teams are crawling on their bellies. Bray, obviously a pro in crawling on his belly in the dirt, scurries ahead, followed closely by Porno and Saggy. Poor Penny - hah - is left behind and has to join her sister Misses Universe on the Loser Bench.

Bray, also a pro in scurrying over the walls - Texas law enforcers may have given him plenty of practice - is given the boost by both Porno and Bray, and now he has to make a Sophie's choice - should he help Porno or Saggy over the wall? He chooses Porno. Saggy's out. (It's the rule - you can't climb over the wall unless someone helps you. There's now no one to help Saggy, so he's out.)

Then again, what is a short ugly troll to do, right? Choose to hoist over a bald bleached whale or the more rangy frame of Porno? Bray chooses hairy hard pecs and a huge dong over rolls and rolls of bloatus dead weight, and I can't say I won't do the same if I'm in his shoes. In fact, I'd deliberately fall back afterwards so that Porno is forced to fall along onto sexy old me's body. Ooh, Porno, is that a banana in your pockets for me or for Magilla the Magic Monkey?

Hubby, not fully asleep yet after my premature waking him up, comments that this proves that Porno and Helen aren't in any secret alliance. I'm still being optimistic - if they are in alliance, they won't flaunt it around, right?

Now Porno and Bray race for the finishing line. Porno, aided by a prodigious horizontal muscle in his body that helps him keep his balance, effortless trashes roly-poly midget Bray in the tiptoe on logs lap. Porno has won, and he probably has pointed a great "This is me, Colby. Will you be my Tina and buy me a Harley?" sign on his forehead, but then again, this season's contestants are all idiots and they probably don't notice Porno's physical endurance and superiority.

Jeff calls Porno "baby" as he hands over the Visa card.

"I knew it!" hubby mutters. "Jeff must have starred in some movies with that sleazy Brian guy before he hosted this show. And I bet it involves a prison shower, Jeff trying to pick up soap, and Jeff squealing like a spitted, grilled pig."

I am going to do an online search on "Jeff Probst+Brian Heidik+gay+porn" on Google immediately after this show. After putting a memo on my computer monitor first: "Do not misspell Brian's last name. It's H-E-I-D-I-K and not some more interesting and appropriate misspellings."

"Jeff Probed by High Dick!" husband cackles.

The men in white uniform come in and lock us hysterically giggling loonybins up in the room with padded wall.

But enough about us and how sad this show must be for us Giggles to indulge in inane chatter during the show - not during commercial breaks, mind you, but during the show. Where was I again? Oh yes, the elephant thing.

"I choose Bray because I couldn't have done it without you," Porno says after deftly evading Jeff's pinching his bum (not that the camera showed that or the bum pinching thing almost happened, I'm sure I imagined it), nicely trying to tone down his humongous display of priapric virility to the rest of the tribe members. With the idiots in the tribe, he just may pull it off.

Saggy is disappointed. He sinks neck-deep into the water, looking just like the Shiny Hippo That Ate Swamp Thing, and whines to the camera. The light bulb is still not switched on yet in his head, it probably never will, as he still believes that Porno and he has an agreement. Moron.

Porno, wet-haired, slicked, sexy, wet, muscles glistening, ooh, tells the camera that he's balancing between Saggy and Bray. He will see whom he will find more useful in the end. Man oh man, this is so sexy. Too bad all this Machievellian nonsense is wasted on a bunch of idiotic freaks.

Porno and Bray are about to take their ride to mainland Thailand for their elephantine orgy. Jan shrieks at them to have fun and maybe bring back a dead elephant for her to bury. Then again, I may have misheard her. Anyway, Porno and Bray ooh and aah like two idiot hillybillies leaving their trailer home for the first time. On the helicopter, Porno says it's his first time. Bray drools until he realizes that Porno is talking about his helicopterific virginity. Kidding.

A harassed-looking Thai lady hands them two glasses and some juice. The elephant looks at the camera and then turns away in disgust. Even elephants have more class than the famewhores on this show. The Thai lady takes out a credit card processor, swipes it as if she has never done this before, and I notice that the print-out receipt is blank. Jeez, Visa, are you that desperate?

The elephant blows wind.

Bray jokes that he believes it is Porno blowing his nose.

This is so exciting. Bray wants Porno so bad, it's pathetic.

Bray calls the elephant "Ghandia". Or is it "Giddia"? "Ghandia" is a nice name for an elephant, if I may say so. He also says that his date has a nice ass. Brian's ass? Yes, I've seen it, along with thousands of Kazaa and Cinemax viewers and the ass isn't too bad really... what, you mean the elephant's ass? Too bad PT Barnum is dead, because he may just have some career opportunities for Bray in a starring role in the Midget and The Elephant Sex Show.

Porno is scared of the elephant, and he clings to the side of the wicker basket seat all the way in the two-hour ride to the mountain top. Bray waxes poetry about the spiders, the mountains, the flatulence-prone elephant whom he no doubt perceives as a soul mate much to the elephant's dismay, and whatever.

Yes, this episode is so exciting, I can hardly contain myself.

Back at the Chewing Gum + 2 Dead Ducks camp, Fake and Helen are pow-wowing on a boat. Fake tells Helen that Bray and Porno are going to win this thing. Helen tells the camera that she has been told to watch out for the Fake. To Fake, she tells him that she doesn't think she can win against Porno. I hope she's just BSing the Fake and not actually believing it. Trust me, Helen, between you and Porno in the final two, the bitter Soochee juries will give you a landslide victory. Don't think otherwise, baby, you're winning this game, not Porno.

Fake tells Helen of the Chewing Gum voting order. Helen hesitates. He also tells Helen that it is Porno who tells Fake about Saggy's being the weakest link in Soochee. To the camera, Fake shrugs, saying that he has nothing to lose in stirring up the tribe. Helen asks him what he proposes they do to get rid of Bray. Fake suggests that should one of the Gruesome Twosome of Midget and Porn wins the Immunity tonight, they vote out the remaining votable one.

Helen isn't so sure, but she lets Fake on that she is keeping her options open. Smart - she plays this right, she will have Fake's vote for her in the Tribal Council jury.

Fake tells her that she can win if one of the Midget and Porn twosome is gone. He doesn't add that so can he, then, and so can Penny, but I don't think Helen is that oblivious to things left unspoken, even with the recipes clogging up her mental faculties.

But really, if Helen doesn't act fast, she will be no match against Midget and Porn. If she's smart, she'll rope Jan and Saggy and try to come up with something against the Gruesome Twosome. Kill the ringleaders first, and then it's a free-for-all.

(In Penny's The Early Show interview, she will claim that Helen immediately runs to Porno and Bray when the Gruesome Twosome come back to camp to report the conversation she had with Fake. I hope Helen knows what she is doing.)

Back to the Midget and Porn show. Another long-suffering "I'm only doing this because of the crappy minimum wage you people are offering me!" Thai waitress serves them "Thai noodles" and other yummies. Bray is ecstatic. Yummy food! He has forgotten, he says, that food even has taste until today. He is also sure that he and Porno are now "tight".

Bray also pours the tomyam soup into one of his two water flask, making sure to stick his dirty, stinking finger into the flask while pouring (yummy). He fills the other flask with liquor, hoping that while it comes to him and Porno in the final showdown, they will remember Bray's pathetic pity-fuck gifts and give him the money. To which I say, not bloody likely, you evil ugly midget.

Bray says that he is so happy. He loves Porno. He wants to move in with Porno and his darling wife CC and be the new X-rated Three's Company show. (Bray will force his own wife to raise Porno's kid back in their trailer trash home in - where else? - Texas.)

Porno smiles evilly. The seduction of Bray is complete. Porno is now the real king of the scrap heap.

The Insane Hen, the Evil Penny, and Fake are trying to catch crabs when the Insane Hen sees the boat bringing the Midget and Porn back, and immediately goes into Batdung Crazy mode. "Yoohoo! Woohoo! Etc."

Porno tells the camera that they are like sheep waiting for their lost master (ie he) to come home. Yeah, Porno is the shepherd for prion-infested sheep, definitely. Ah Porno, the Pope asks you to stop messing up Biblical imageries because he says that God will not appreciate someone who has starred in gems like The Virgins Of Sherwood Forest trying to act all holy like Jesus Christ gone Donny Osmond via George Michael, even if you look that part.

Midget and Porno tell the others, holding up Bray's Stinky Finger Offerings, "Here comes Santa Claus!" Midget Christmas gremlin Santa porn afficiandos, this is your day.

Jan is so happy that Bray has brought back liquor. Lush, red-faced, her AA card on full display to everybody and the parents of her first grade kids, the Insane Hen complains that she doesn't want to share the liquor with anybody. Oi, Lush Batdung Granny, detox is calling. Don't fight it.

Fake admires Midget and Porn. He should. He could only wish he has the charm and the subtlety of Porno.

Morning. Bray rapes a log with his ax. Saggy pours water into a pot. Another exciting day for tribe Chewbacca's Dung.

Evil Penny, sporting the Pigtails That Choked Punky Brewster To Death, says to the camera that the Chewing Gums are very secretive, plotting behind her back so much so that she can never know when they are plotting. Imagine that those guys don't want Evil Penny in on their plans. Jeez, who would've thought? She tells Fake that in their swim pow-wow, and Fake admits that he too can't break into the ranks of the Chewing Gum. Gee, Fake, hear that? That's the Shii Devil, laughing her sexy ass off as she raises a toast to both your humiliating defeat.

Evil Penny tells the camera that she knows Fake is being viewed with distrust by the camp - as opposed to Sweet, Open Penny, I presume - and she decides to stab Jake in the back.

We then see Bray telling Penny that he will take her to the final four. Apparently, Bray tells everybody he will take them to the final four. He shrugs it off to the camera - he wants to win the game and to do that, he needs to charm the future jurors in the Tribal Council. But the Evil Penny believes him, that stupid woman, and when we see Bray and Saggy laughing nastily over Penny's being played, I laugh too. There's something satisfying about seeing the Evil Penny being played the way she played others, but both Penny and Fake are so pathetic that it's like watching the Chewing Gums taking up baseball bats and beating coma patients to death. Still, Penny is going to stab Fake the way she stabbed Erin Boobavich. That bitch has it coming.

Immunity challenge time, and it's at night. It's like that now infamous coconut cutting challenge late in the last season, only this time you snuff out torches instead of chopping down coconuts. Since at least some of these people should have watched that infamous Rothunk Quartet blasting their own kneepads with their own egomania, I don't think we will see Saggy or the Insane Hen undergoing Neleh's Dawn of Enlightenment and band up and kick the Midget and Porn duo in the balls.

Jeff Proboscis asks questions about Thailand. First question. Bray doesn't know that Siam was the old name for Thailand. Oops.

The Evil Penny snuffs out the first of Fake's three torches. Ouch.

Porno snuffs out Helen's. Fake snuffs out Porno's. Helen kills Bray's first torch. Saggy gives it to the Evil Penny, and the Insane Hen, getting the evil eye contact from Porno, kills Penny's second torch.

Fake and the Insane Hen knows that Thai young men are expected to be monks. I didn't know that. The last time I visited Bangkok and with all those naughty, rowdy boys... ahem. Anyway, Jan the Hen snuffs out the last of the Evil Penny's torches, and the bitch is out. Bye! Fake kills Bray's second torch.

Third question. Fake knows all about having fun in Thailand, so he snuffs out the last of Bray's torches. Bray joins Penny on the Loser Bench.

Fourth question. Helen puts out Saggy's first torch. The Insane Hen snuffs out Fake. Saggy snuffs out Porno. Porno snuffs out Fake - Fake's out.

Only Saggy and the two beautiful hags remain now.

Next question. Only Helen and Saggy know that "Bangkok" means the "City of Angels". Is Angels an euphemism for prostitutes and ladyboys? Just asking. Anyway, Helen snuffs out the last of Porno's torches, bye Porno. Saggy snuffs out the Insane Hen's first torch.

Saggy thinks that Taipei is the capital of Thailand. Idiot. But no fear, Jan the Hen snuffs out Helen's torch, and Helen snuffs back the Insane Hen's second torch in payback, much to Jeff's delight.

Next round. Helen is the only one who knows the best way to eat in Thailand. Then again, she's Ms Psycho Recipe Woman. Helen, knowing than Jan the Hen is a schoolteacher and hence smarter than Saggy and is a bigger threat to her winning immunity, happily puts out the Insane Hen's last torch. Saggy says that he will remember Helen's sparing him for one more round.

Saggy doesn't know where Malaysia is and only Helen knows that Vietnam doesn't share a border with Thailand. This is what happens when you join this show without reading up for the inevitable dumb quiz challenge. Helen kills Saggy's last torch, and I throw an imaginary cap into the air. Yes! Helen wins immunity! Yes!

The camera pans on Fake's downcast face, and then on Porno putting his arms around Helen's waist as they all march back to Camp Chewbacca's Dung, and I still want to think that those two are having a thing going. Come on, they're so sweet together! Okay, not sweet, but I'd rather have Shrunken Head and Porn as opposed to Midget and Porn or Manboobs and Porn.

Night. Everybody congratulates Helen and her necklace of sharp spikes of death. How everyone else escapes evisceration is beyond me. Fake is noticeably upset that the Evil Penny snuffs out his torch right away at the very beginning. The Evil Penny says to the camera that she hopes the Chewing Gum get the message that she's not in an alliance with Fake. Someone must have messed up the transmission, because the message I get is: "Hello, people, I am the evil Penny, and look, even when I have no concrete evidence that you people have accepted me, I backstabbed my only ally so that you will understand that the Shii Devil is right - I am a traitorous, evil, untrustworthy bitch who will sell her mother for three more days here - and yes, we Soochees are truly in no alliance. You know what? Here, let me kill Fake for you. See? Hee, hee! *stabstabstabstabstabstab* I'm the Evil Penny, and I'm worse than Rosemary's baby, I'm Rosemary's mother-in-law!"

Chewing Gum has a pow-wow around the fire. Everyone seems to want to vote for Fake to be evicted, but Saggy, not happy that Penny can win over Porno easier than he can, rallies an anti-Penny sentiment around. This is the first time I see him act with a slightest smidgen of brainpower.

Fake wonders how he can get Bray aside and convince him that if Fake goes, Bray is next. Finally he shrugs and laughs weakly, saying that he knows when he can hear the fat lady sings.

Tribal Council. Ken slicks up, and he doesn't look hot as much as he looks like a greasy Chippendale dancer he is rumored to be. Erin, well, she's Erin.

Boring chit-chat ensue about greed and voting strong people (here, Ken and the Boobs share a look as if they believe they are evicted because they are strong - oh please!). Even the Insane Hen is getting paranoid. Sheesh. Fake gives an announcement in his defense that enrages Bray to the point of tears. Maybe it's some sort of code, because to me, Fake is talking about how his performance stands up to everybody else's here. Maybe they're all on something illegal.

Bray votes for Fake. He doesn't like Fake's words to him. Oh Bray, you poor thing.

Penny stabs Fake one last time. "It's my only chance," she says.

But the joke is on her as everyone else votes for the Evil Penny to get lost, except for Fake who inexplicably votes for the Insane Hen. Saggy's magic must have worked, and Penny walks. Bye bitch! Fake exchanges a satisfied smile and a shake of his head with the Ken Doll, and everybody goes home, leaving me wondering what the heck can I do to get an hour of my life back.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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