SURVIVOR

Thailand Episode 9: Desperate Measures

This episode is brought to you by Shii Devil and today's letter is R and the word is "Revenge". For kicking out her and losing the snark, the remaining Soochee members are forced to be Shii Devils this episode, for all the good it does them. Nobody can be the real Shii Devil - there is only one Shii Devil, so there!

It is night 24, and it is still a full moon. Either they are showing the same opening night scene every episode, or even nature knows that the island are populated by Dr Moreau rejects and the moon is there to make them behave like the freaks they are.

While the Soochees are away at the Tribal Council (where they voted out the three excess baggages on their tribe, see last episode), the Chewing Gums form a circle and wowee, the gloves are off. If you haven't seen the extent of the contempt these people deservedly heap on the sorry losers of Soochee, you'll have to be blind not to see it now.

Saggy Manboobs is gloating that they are powerful, they are five to Soochee's three and they can do whatever*coughgrindingcough* they want to the Soochees. The Cow's shadow looms over the island. Porno, channeling William Golding, happily announces that yes, it's Chewing Gum's turn. They are probably high on island poppy, because they have lost it. It's like, to quote Bray, five granmas have been smacked in Thanksgiving.

Bray does an awful but hilarious imitation of Jake the Fake, complete with bad redneck overtones. Jan the Hen calls the Evil Penny a cheerleader, and Helen follows up with a truly priceless snark on Penny. Her "Oh no, oh no, I must backstab my best friend Erin!" is worth one million dollars - someone give this woman the prize! I am laughing so hard that I almost missed Porno's crazy parody of the Ken Doll - "How's my hair, Jeff?" - but Porno, calling Ken Doll vain is a bit of an overkill. I mean, look at your own hair, buddy. Ahem. Porno does a bad "Yo, yo, yo!" street send-up to his Ken Doll parody, and Jan laughs hysterically.

This is so cute. As I wipe the tears from my eyes, the Soochees come home, and I laugh hysterically again at how quickly the Chewing Gums switch off their Venom Showcase and put on solemn, fake we're-sympathizing-with-you faces. Damn, I want that Venom Showcase back.

Is it me or the Evil Penny and Jake the Fake's speech have slowed down to a crawl and all they can talk about very... very... slowly... is... how... lovely... everybody... is... on... this... island? Do they really think that we are buying their crap? Freaks.

There's no mistaking the gloating-hyena air of predatory anticipation in Chewing Gum though as they fake-hug and fake-comfort the Soochees. Bray is probably missing the Erin the Fun Bags already. The Soochees are so down and miserable, they know they will be picked off one by one. If you hear closely, Shii Devil is laughing at her former now beyond pathetic tribe mates as she whips the Toolll into submission at the Loser Lodge.

Penny, tear-free, emotion-free, speaks in her Zombie Alanis voice that Erin Boobavich is like a sister and a best friend that she has backstabbed, sold out, mutilated, betrayed, murdered, evicted, cast to the wolves, and hung up to die, and she misses not having that sister to sleep with tonight. She's coming off like a bad imitation of Judas Iscariot, try Penny Incapable-Idiot.

Jake the Fake wants to fit in. So he gathers everybody around to tell stories of his ranch days. From what I can catch through the bleeding of my eardrums, it involves killing Osama bin Laden, single-handedly capturing Adolf Hilter, butt-bopping Saddam Hussein, and eating Mussolini's liver for breakfast in between shagging horses and cows.

Saggy wonders if he's supposed to be awed by that. After all, his manboobs are bigger than Jake's, and they can torpedo Jake's sorry ass to that hick farm he came from.

Magilla the Magic Monkey yawns. He's definitely the king of them all, the boss of them freaks.

Jake the Fake confides that he hopes that if he tells them that he too is an adventurer, albeit an old one, they'll accept him. Someone please tell him that painting a big bullseye on his forehead with the red paint of desperation is not exactly an effective strategy.

Saggy laughs weakly.

Bray says that he is sick of Jake the Fake's stories and he wishes that man will just shut the fork up. I'm really digging the evil mean gnome that is Bray. Which hovel did Burnetto dig him from? He's kinda cool as long as he keeps ripping on Jake the Fake and Jan the Hen while shamelessly ogling the pretties.

Saggy says that Jake's parachute story is way too far-fetched. At least he's paying attention. Hubby and I are too busy laughing at Jake the Fake's sorry, desperate ass. Jake and Penny are the worst contestants ever, they must have learned the Art of Persuasion from the biggest fool of them all, Silas Africa Gaither. They deserve to be kicked out for being corny and transparent fake losers alone.

Bray scratches his chin, looking stupefied as Fake drones on and on and on. He says that if Fake thinks Chewing Gum is buying that crap, Fake's crazy. Bray is hysterical. I want to keep him in a cage and kick the cage whenever I'm down, so that he can always cheer me up with his mean lil' funnies. He is so much better than a foul-mouthed parrot.

Jake is sucking up like a nuclear-powered vacuum cleaner, but nobody's buying from the biggest freakshow of them all today.

I think aliens must have hijacked my TV, because now I'm seeing Bray staring at the full moon like some wacko lycanthrope. But instead of turning into a weremidget, he waxes some stupid poetic stuff. Eeeuw. What happened to the mean old horny lech? Helen breaks into some song out of Lady And The Tramp, and I must say she's actually pretty good. Everyone now stares at the moon like some coven of freak Hecate fanatics, and I hope that they are looking at an UFO's headlight and the UFO will come down and take them all away to Pluto where they will freeze to death and never bother me again, but damn, it's just and still a moon. Sigh.

Helen's singing is lovely. I wonder if Kazaa has it.

Oh look, it's the reward challenge time. A TV, and eight cheap-looking Make In Thailand Very Cheap Only fake bamboo chairs, and Proboscis, cheerful as ever, stands there and greets them. Oh God, it's the Scream Your Heart Out, The Muzak Family Hour thing. I get a bottle of vinegar ready for the inevitable too sweet moments.

Evil Penny, by the way, is starting to really look like Neleh grown up. Scary.

Brian sees his wife and kid. Boy, if only he knows what is coming.

Jake's wife looks like Shirley McLaine five years younger and after the Revenge of the Carbohydrates.

The entire cast of The Kentucky Hillibillies show up for Jan's video. Wait, it's just two dumb logs and one penguin.

Bray yelps and hops like some epileptic bullmastiff when he sees his daughter and his Missus Steroida. No wonder he finds Erin's bikini bottom beads so fascinating last episode.

But he is nothing compared to Helen, who shrieks and does her best impersonation as Magilla the Magic Monkey's mother when she sees her cat. Yes, her cat. Hubby and daughter, she's cool. But when she sees the cat, she loses it. The cat, by the way, looks more well fed than the husband and daughter. Hmm.

Ken sees his mom, his dog, and his gay lover - or is that his brother? I don't know. All three in the video looks kinda alike, but the dog is the cutest of them all.

Penny, or Penneleh as my husband calls her, sees her hubby-to-be and the whole ugly clan of Texan Suburbia Hell. Jeff just has to ask this woman about love, and Penny the Dehydrated Hag just has to go on in that fake PR crap of hers about how she wishes she will find love like everyone here and how she loves everybody she will stabstabstabstab in the back because she loves everybody and she's an idiot, and look, I'm kicking her in the ribs and down the ditch, hurray!

Bitch.

Saggy sees his wife, and I can see why he'd rather grind with the Cow, because his wife is an Elephant. The newborn daughter is very cute though. Wife is so happy to show off the kid, and I wonder if she's still happy now that her hubby has ground his pendulous belly against the Cow and Porno and who knows who else, maybe even Magilla the Magic Monkey.

Jeff also gives them ugly gold bandannas and tell them that whoopee, the tribe has merged!

The entire world yawns.

Only Jan the Hen is happy, but she's insane, so her reaction doesn't count.

The Reward Challenge is like this: first you pair up in teams, and then each team take a machete and chop off a ball, roll the ball along a net thing and zzzz. Let's just say it's some kiddie telethon thing. Winner team pits its members against each other, and last one standing gets to watch the home-made America's Funniest Home Video entrant from home.

Ken and Bray, the Square Hickey team, first squares off against Team Geriatol (Jake and Jen). Apart from Jen tumbling down the netting most comically and a too brief camera shot up into Ken's shorts (I can't see anything, damn it!), no surprises here - Square Hicky craps all over Team Geriatol.

Next is the Alliance of Evil and True Love, Porno and Helen, versus The Missing Boobs of Neleh (Saggy and Penny). Saggy violates a log with a machete, but other than that, nothing much. Porno and Helen, the new Hunter with Sex Appeal and Gina, work in perfect synchrony. They're having an affair and they're so getting married, I tell you.

Next round, Alliance of Evil and True Love versus the Square Hickey. After a rough start, Helen and Porno win.

Jeff, can I beg you never to say "Bray's ball is loose!" ever again? I actually shriek in horror and avert my eyes before I realize he means that ball, you know, the real ball, oh never mind.

Now it's Helen versus Porno. Knowing how humiliating such family video events tend to turn into - and besides, Helen has seen her cat and it seems to be all she cares about, because heaven knows, the cat won't be speaking in the video - Helen loses to Porno.

Porno is happy. He wins a jug of... something, I guess, and a glass, but his face falls when he realizes that everybody will be watching his video with him. Jeff, you evil man!

Porno is not happy. There are aspects of him (read: his wife) that he wants to keep private from his tribe mates. He begins apologizing in advance - the wife is a bit crazy. I prick up and nudge awake half-asleep hubby, certain that we will be treated to a freakshow of bizzaro proportions. I am not disappointed.

The wife! If Porno loses this, the wife is to blame. With just a short video, she has single-handedly ripped out Porno's balls and feed them to his tribe members. She's a softporn star too and I guess a stripper judging from her dance moves, but that's no excuse to be crazy, showing off the new car and whacking away on that baby piano like some insane Tori Amos impersonator. But worst is her telling her hubby to win a million dollars for their dream vacation to Fiji. What the heck? Like Helen demonstrates, Survivor contestants like to think of themselves as worthy human beings as opposed to famewhores, and the moment someone shows that he or she has money and hence "doesn't need the money", he'll be gone. "If I'm against him - I'm not - this is one reason to vote him off," Helen says.

Then there's that crazy near-striptease dancing and the panicked look on the baby, which leads me to suspect that the poor tyke has seen Mommy gone crazy before. I suspect that if the baby isn't around, Mommy may just treat the Survivor contestants - and us horrified viewers - an X-rated Pamela Anderson solo video.

She says that the house is a mess.

"Why don't you clean it?" Brian says to the TV, which earns him some hate points from me. Sexist pig.

I cringe. If the wife has said, "Honey, I know you're now having two idiots fooled by you like you told me, and I'm sure you're now pitching them against each other and all, so good luck baby!", she couldn't have done a better job in sabotaging her husband.

Bray, though, is excited he all but popped his pants. Gross.

I find it interesting that Porno turns to Helen and apologizes to her and not anybody else when the wife is doing that invisible pole cavorting dancing thing. Hmm *evil winking* mmm.

"She kept her clothes on!" Porno says, awed, when the freakshow is over. "She has uh, problems keeping them on..." he trails weakly when he realizes how close he has been to exposing he and his wife's extra-curricular resume to people like the Evil Penny - who wouldn't approve - and Bray - who will want to move in with Porno right away.

Poor Porno. Poor, poor Porno. Screwed by your wife, and I don't mean that in a fun way. For her sake, I hope Porno does win the money and take them both to Fiji, or someone's gonna be very angry when he gets home, and it's not just over a messy house.

Back at the Freak Cave. Jan the Hen is asking everybody to put their prints on the new flag of "Chuay Jai" (oh, for goodness sake, can't they get a decent name?). The flag looks like a nursery class art disaster. Ken Doll takes off his shirt - I fan myself - and puts his handprints on the flag. I'm jealous of a flag. I can't sink any lower anymore, can I?

What Jake and Jan said about her "leaky clavage" (yes, "clavage") and the sight of her equally leaky buttage I can't bear to repeat. You watch it yourself while I try to find my eyeballs that have rolled under the couch.

Saggy is getting antsy. Helen's recipe litany - yes, she's still at it - especially is drving him nuts. He decides to take some "me time", gets on Soochee's boat, sails off, and is never seen again.

The end.

Nah, I'm kidding, unfortunately.

Jan the Hen is surprised. I bet she's looking forward to finding Saggy's dead boy and burying him in her beloved pet cemetary, next to Erin's silicones, the dead bat, the chicken legs, and her brain.

Porno looks betrayed. He's probably missing the Big Grind already.

The Evil Penny, reclining like Queen Coke-patra on a rock, says that maybe Saggy isn't fitting in like he thinks he is. Like you're fitting in, you evil bitch? You sound like a cheerleader from Heathers, and you are fugly too. Now shut up and suck on your own heel.

I find it amusing that everyone seems to believe that Saggy will meet a bad end out there.

Bray tells Porno, while Bray was neck-deep in seawater like the evil sea gnoma that steals female swimmers' bikini bottoms, that they should kick Saggy out but keep Saggy on their side so that he'll be with them still from the Jury of Losers.

Saggy comes home, like a giant rhino from the sea. Woah!

Fake tries to seduce Bray to their side. Porno has sold him the idea that the Chewing Gums will vote Saggy out if they have the chance, but Fake has a bigger target - Porno.

Saggy does tai-chi, Sand On My Boobies style. I feel ill.

Fake's desperation is so palpible, he can bottle it and sell it. Pathetic. Between he and the Evil Penny, they're setting a new low for bad gameplay.

Immunity time. Jeff Proboscis holds up a cheap-looking necklace that can double as a murder weapon, with sharp spikes like that. Boy, am I glad that Erin Boobavich is out, or we may get a true case of "leaky clavage" on this show should she win immunity.

The challenge? Memorize numbers 1 to 9 in Thai, and then when Jeff calls out a number in English, the folks will pick up the corresponding card with the Thai equivalent. This is really fun and educational. I think I'll try that myself the next time I want my party guests to lynch me.

Jeff calls out the number nine. Fake, Helen, the Hen, Saggy, and Porno got it wrong and have to sit out.

One. Bray gets it right and shouts, "Yeah!" Penny gets it wrong. She sits out.

Now it's Bray versus Ken Doll. Now they have to... uh, how do I describe this? Using some navigation placards written in Thai and English, these two have to dig at sandy mounds to find nine cards and... oh, forget it. Let's just say that Bray, the evil mean gnome that he is, has no problems digging away. Too bad he can't dig his way out of his bankruptcy (sorry, it's a The Smoking Gun joke). Ken, lost, looks around, and I wonder how this NYPD cop navigated the streets of NYC. Like duh, maybe that's why he's on Survivor and he has ugly actor shots floating around. He wants to be an actor, not a cop. But I hope he can navigate himself to Hollywood better than he navigated himself in this game.

Ken's out. Bray wins immunity. "I know I look sexy, I know," he crows.

Ken offered him a quiet congratulation, and Bray shocks me by answering back graciously. That little fink, he has some niceness in him after all!

Day 27. Everybody congratulates Bray. Fake, fake, fake. Bray intends to keep the necklace for a long time. Watch out that it doesn't slit open your throat by accident, you mean old fart.

Saggy tells the camera that he intends to eliminate the strong ones. Uh, Saggy, the winners of Survivor so far has been MotherFUTRs. I suggest you keep the strong (which is also yourself, idiot) and eliminate the quiet ones first, like Porno or Penny. It's always the quiet ones who win the game after idiots like Saggy kill each other in misguided stand-offs.

Ken, pale, hot, knows he's in deep dung, and he confides to Fake, who suggests that they create a stir. Ken Doll laughs weakly and wonders if they have any more chickens to give Chewing Gum. See, you two? Shii Devil is laughing. You two are in the same position that you kicked her for being in, especially you, Ken Doll, and didn't I predict you to be in this spot now, huh, huh? You should've listen to Mrs Giggles, you dumb pretty stud you, and kick that sadass Penny off. Shii Devil is laughing, I am laughing, because Ken is the biggest punchline in the joke that is Soochee.

Fake tries to bring in Clay to target Porno. He's doing an awful job, it's like watching someone steal donuts from the police station. He is going to get hurt, definitely.

Bray nods and is all agreeable, but as he tells the camera, he's not buying the alliance. Fake's all for Fake, same with Ken Doll, and yes, Bray's for Bray, and he's not jeopardizing his stronger Chewing Gum alliance for three drowning rats in the sinking ship that is Soochee. Stupid Fake and Ken though - they should have gone to Helen, if you ask me, because once the Soochees are gone, Helen will be in a very precarious position, and she should know. I bet she and Penny and Jan will band together to face the Saggy-Bray-Porno alliance, and Ken and Fake could find a more willing listener there than Bray. But Ken and Fake, like all the men here, are sexist fools who constantly underestimate the women. I bet they will regret their ways soon enough.

Finally, Fake, Penny, and Ken decide to vote for Ted, hoping against odds that Chewing Gum will turn on Saggy. Not bloody likely, darlings. You weren't there when Chewing Gum did a SNL parody of you all.

Porno eats a white noodle thing, V eating-a-rat style. Porno is definitely the evil Diana the Alien Commander on this island, you betcha.

Tribal Council is boring. Erin Boobavich walks in like the Boobs of Misery Past, smuggling watermelons for Magilla the Magic Monkey in her blouse. How she doesn't topple over is something I'd leave the physicists to ponder over. Penny is still about the fake love and hugs. Whatever.

As predicted, Ken gets the cut, five votes against Saggy's three (guess who voted for Saggy). Bye, stud! I'll send chocolate chip cookies to you, oh yeah, but I hope you don't mind that I bought them from 7-11. Hey, it's the sincere lust that counts, right? In the meantime, enjoy Loser's Lodge and Erin's stone cantaloupes (if the rumors I hear are true).

Ah yes. To the gleeful laughter of the Shii Devil resonating across the island, I hereby declare, let the Pagonging begins.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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