SURVIVOR

Thailand Episode 8: Sleeping with the Enemy

It has to happen. With the most interesting (and odious) types gone, all that are left in this sorry show are the hypocritical, nasty, and insane MotherFUTRs (FUTR = Flying Under The Radar) of the game. This episode is so cringe-inducing, Soochee has mutated into a tribe of four Nelehs, and I want to pull every hair out of my nostrils and offer my ear to Mike Tyson. This episode is so horrible, my greatest regret is that I've set it such that the grade D has no plus or minus. Because if I do, this episode will get a D---. F means somebody has to screw somebody else to get the crap made and shown on TV, but I'd rather face an oncoming bus rather than to imagine the Cow or Bray or any of these sorry freaks screwing Mark Burnett on the casting couch. Some perversions are just ain't right, people.

Shii Devil is gone. Tooollll is gone. So let's see who we have left. A mean old gnome, Bray. A big fat bald crotch-grindin' rhino, Saggy Manboobs. Jake the Nondescript. The blockheaded grunting neanderthal Ken Doll. Evil Penny and Erin Boobavich, the two pseudolesbian uglies, Vecepia redux and her Lesbian Bride of Chuckie. Helen and her love affair with Magilla the Magic Monkey, and of course, Porno, my Porno who's gonna win this crap, screw Penny, sodomize Ken and Jake, and kick everybody down the sea to drown. You read that here first. My reality TV evil boyfriend is winning the game.

Anyway, full moon again. Night time. Chewing Gum is waiting for Soochee to return from the Shii Devil trouncing Tribal Council. Saggy wants to ask the Soochees why they vote whoever it is they vote. Porno has forgotten Shii Devil's name already ("Soo Yee? Whatever.") but he is certain that she is the one to go. Shii Devil inflicted quite a lot of damage when they dragged her down screaming and fighting.

The Soochees are walking back. Evil Penny is gloating. The joke's on the Shii Devil, she says, Shii Devil's gone and she's still here. Yeah, Shii Devil is enjoying free holidays around Thailand, and you are struggling like hell in game you have no chance of winning, looking more and more like death warmed over ten times day by day. The joke's not on you, but the punchline sure is. She tells the others, they are strong, they will stay strong and true to each other. Translation: Screw you, screw you, screw you. Ken Doll and Jake nod like idiots, probably thinking, "Screw you, screw you, screw you." Erin is nodding too. Her thoughts? "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, open mouth to speak, close mouth after speaking." Ken tells the camera that Penny is trying to do some damage control. Translation? I'm gonna stab that bitch to death.

But they all love each other, really, I'm sure. Those million bucks are just getting in the way of the luuuuurve in the caves.

The tribe meets, and it's insincere and fake gushing and hi-y'alls all around. Ken Doll points out that Chewing Gum is probably thinking of Pagonging the rest of Soochees once Shii Devil is recruited into their ranks, but I'm sure Ken loves the Chewing Gum too. Or something. I don't care, and I'm so not following these nonsense. Like Porno sums it up concisely, "Yeah, whatever."

Ken Doll eats his Neanderthal happy meal. He looks like a block-headed troll. I don't like him. I don't like anybody on this island anymore. Ten minutes into the show, and you know what? Toollll and Shii Devil, please come back, you're both forgiven, just come back and save me from boredom! Or at least take me with you to Loser's Lodge.

Porno walks around as the others sleep. He's not going to accept Soochee, he tells the camera, no matter what because they are the enemy. "Sleeping with the enemy, it's a weird feeling," he says. As opposed to sleeping with Suzy Bigbombs and Cutie Analista, I guess?

Morning. Saggy sits on the beach, probably hoping to do a Buddha impersonation, but he actually looks more like a bleached whale. Penny walks up to him and talks in the fakest sincere BS I've ever seen. Is this the woman who is said to manipulate Soochee? Then again, I recall the members of Soochee and shake my head. Mark Burnetto must have found these bunch of dumb freaks from the local genetic garbage centre. When she walks away, Saggy rolls his eyes upwards that you can see the white of his eyes. The Cow is probably relieved that the grindin' never gotten that far - imagine looking at that expression up close. Eeeuw.

Besides, Saggy's grindin' on Porno now.

"She's trying too hard to be overly nice," Saggy says. "She feels fake." Who? Erin Boobavich? How did he... oh, he's talking about Penny. Erin's safe from the Grindin' for now.

Evil Penny, if even that crazy old dingbat Jan the Hen can see through you, it's time to go back to basics and kill everybody with a coconut.

Where did Burnetto find these bunch of freaks, really?

Bray says that Penny is cute - well, after 21 days in an island with only Helen and Jan the Hen for company, I guess even a rabid flea-infested gibbon will look shaggable - but he's 46 years old (yeah, and I'm 24) and she's not getting any from him.

Chewing Gum is all laughing behind Penny's back. I would be laughing if Penny isn't so inept as a villain. She is trying so hard to be Vecepia/Neleh/Hatch rolled in one, she is starting to come off like a brain damage disaster. Girlfriend, lay off that fake smarm now.

Penny and the Boobavich cuddle, head on Boobavich's double inflatable buoys, like lesbian sorority babes in a bad cheap T&A slasher movie. Only this time it looks as if Boobavich is cuddling up to the demon from Tales From The Crypt. But hey, whatever rocks her fake chest bombs.

Jake is mingling around. Ken isn't. I can't care less. Isn't it adorable to see the three Soochee losers (Erin is playing cave wallpaper all this time) doing what they booted the Shii Devil for last week? It's perfect irony if the three of them aren't so annoying.

Where is my naked Porno? Porno, get over here and wear those nice brief black shorts NOW.

Helen decides to be Australian and does her own thing.

Ken shares bananas with everybody.

Can you feel the tingling excitement in the air, people?

Porno says that things seem peachy now, but everything's fake. He can sense it. He can smell it. Ah, but can he spell "Duh"? Very nice and even sexy smile though. This is one sexy bastard who can hawk toothpaste and used cars while fake-shagging a bimbo in some bad T&A late night softporn cable offering. I'm buying, I'm such a weak-willed woman that way, but Porno can sell me football jockstraps and I'll still buy them all.

Ken Doll is annoyed. He doesn't like people pissing all over the cave. Isn't it annoying that no one thought of erecting public toilets with full modern plumbing before the game starts? Look, there's Saggy pissing. How annoying.

Ken's probably too chicken-crapped to accidentally show his tiny wee-wee to everybody. I can understand though. Compared to Porno who seems to be smuggling a bunch of bananas in his trunks for Magilla the Magic Money, an overcompensating tough wimpie like Ken must feel his pathetic lil' tinkie shrivel up an extra three inches. All hail the Priapic Porno!

Ken is saying about how even animals don't do their business at where they eat and sleep. If he's stating a case of de-evolution, I can believe that. I just have to look at Bray to believe everything he is saying. But the more pertinent question is, how the heck did he get so whiny? Is this his gameplay? To mumble and whine everybody to death?

Where's Porno? Porno? Porno!

I want Porno, so what the hay-ell? I get Bray instead. Eeuw. Bray, his troll Rumplestiltskin on crack face filling the TV screen, says that he doesn't get what the fuss is all about. It's just a cave.

Is it me, or those two pee puddles on the cave floor look toxic and radioactive even?

I don't think environmentalists will be making these indiscriminately peeing and what else monsters their spokesperson anytime soon. Koh Tarutao, we hardly know ye. Now drown in rancid excreta of Ugly Famewhores of Survivor!

The gals scoop for food. Erin Boobavich is using her bombs to fish for clams. Kidding. Helen is on a roll. Possessed by the Evil Spirit of Kitchen Recipes sent by the Shii Devil to avenge her defeat, Helen is on a roll, not only talking about ingredients but also methods of preparations of every conceivable dish around. If this is a heinous attempt to make everybody drool in hunger to death... nah, I'm giving her too much credit.

Porno says to Jake that it is so lovely to see women hunting and cooking for the men and actually enjoying it, just like the old days. Look, Porno, I know you are joking, even if you're not I'm such a cheap floozie for your twinkle in your eye that I probably don't care anymore. I'm watching this show. I don't have any more taste to defend. Anyway, Porno baby, has it ever occurred to you that maybe Helen the Kitchen Psycho is teaching the gals how to cut, cook, and eat you men up? Domestication isn't as fun as it used to be, baby, not after we women learn how easy it is to chop big, hairy, and ugly winkies in the name of our patron goddess Lady "Chop, chop, chop!" Bobbit. "The good old days!" Porno, the used car salesman and softporn actor, waxes lyrical about the days of good morals and values.

It may be good, but it will be better when Jan the Hen wins the million dollars and humiliate you men so thoroughly you'll never get an erection again.

Jake can't stand Helen's recipe litany. I can't either, but I have the mute button, so eat loser dust, Granpa!

Jake and Porno go boating together. Shirtless Jake - not bad, shirtless Porno - let me drool. Both of them trying to skirt Lake Homoerotica by discussing gals, because both of them are too lousy at being subtle to fish information from the others. Jake thinks Penny is cute in an exotic way. He's from Texas. Penny's from Texas. Exotic? Then again, she's probably different from the bovines Jake spend his life herding, consorting, and goodness knows what else with.

Night. Helen is still going on and on, but she missed the Shut Up Bitch recipe.

Ken Doll and Jake talk. Jake thinks that Porno's a good guy (we in hell howl in laughter at the man's delusion), but Ken Doll asks him to watch out. For what, Ken Doll? The world knows Porno has a bigger dongie than you.

"Can I see if your dongie is bigger than mine, Jake?" Ken Doll asks. "Without Tooollll around to be my bitch, my male ego has been completely cut down and now I feel like a simpering miss. Can you hug me and sing me a lullaby to sleep, Jake?"

"Did somebody order a 'grinding'?" Saggy asks eagerly, pushing his bald ugly face between them both.

If you can't tell, I made the last two paragraphs up.

They got mail. There's a bottle of reddish wine in which a cheap Buddha replica is found floating inside. Bray grabs the bottle and clasps it to his pendulous breasts as they listen to Mark Burnetto's latest massacre of the concept of 'sonnet' and 'poetry', brought to you in Jake's halting monotone. It's immunity time, people.

All of them swim to a square platform upon which Jeff Proboscis is standing. Wet Porno and his wet translucent shirt finally restore some feelings back to my state of stupefaction. Immunity, if anybody cares. The challenge here is to have each tribe goes down and sticks his or her big stinking mouth to a bamboo snorkel. Longest one down wins. Total time is counted, and the tribe that spends the longest time under wins.

Helen, a swimming and scuba instructor, sits out from Chewing Gum. Then again, she probably has no more breath left after expulsing every single word from the Encyclopedia of Recipes in her brain.

"Did somebody say 'go down'?" Porno says, brightening up. "I'm good at that! I'm a master in holding my breath, taking long gulps, staying down, performing for a long long time on neverending stamina..."

Okay, he didn't say that, but actions speak louder than words. That boy single-handedly wins the Immunity for Chewing Gum, and he would have gone down longer if Bray the spoilsport hasn't alerted him that Jake, the last in Soochee to be underwater, has given up.

Gals and guys, I have first pick. He's coming to my Christmas party. You all will have to wait until next year.

This is creepy, but this Immunity Challenge is actually kinda sexy. Porno - going down - long long time. Filling in the blanks may be too much for my poor weak heart.

Jan makes a fist and brings it down as she cries, "Yes!" She should. She has made it this far only because Chewing Gum has never lost a single challenge after the Cow's expulsion.

Soochee is now going to be down to three. I'm so happy, I'm never this happy to see four losers getting the bitch smackdown since I stomped on all those annoying ants in my bedroom two weeks ago. Jeff agrees with me. His face absolutely shines as he delivers the finger to the Soochees.

All of them straggle home like a scene out of The Return Of The Living Dead, upon which Erin remarks that their stuff have been ransacked. Their food is gone! Magilla the Magic Monkey is at it again! Jan pulls her shirt off her shoulder. I've decided to go for a face-lift next week. Porno bares his chest. Toss face-lift, I want my Porno Boy. The chicken feet are gone, Ken Doll points out. "The chicken is gone!" Helen shrieks, mishearing the Ken Doll (not surprising - the man seems incapable of speaking above a mumble).

Helen seems close to crying. The bananas are gone. (So what's that in Porno's shorts?) The food may not last until next week. She is going to kill the monkey. Or eat rocks, but I don't think she means that they're all going to crack open Erin's skull and eat her brain.

Is Magilla running for the next election? I'm voting him for the position of the Prime Minister of Thailand.

Jake feels responsible for Soochee's loss. He weeps. He wants to bitch and whine but he keeps a strong face for everybody.

Erin comforts him. See, I knew it. He's just a dirty old creep like Paschal the Perverted Homophobic Republican Judge From Hell. Erin tells in her squeaky high voice that they can't go back or change things, nobody blames Jake, and my jove, I think this is the first time that gal speaks more than a sentence on this entire season! She tells Jake that they must be strong after the crap Shii Devil put them through (as opposed to the crap she and Penny and the rest put her through?) blah blah blah vapid blah blah blah. How the hell did she get onto this show? At least last season's Sarah is lazy, but she can speak. Erin? Tsk, tsk, Burnetto, won't it be cheaper to buy a blow-up doll, call it Erin, and ask the tribe to lug it around with them?

Chewing Gum - or rather, the men - moan that they can't celebrate their victory. I'm sure they can retreat to the Piss Cave where the Soochee will not venture to and bugger each other with the Immunity doll until they discover enlightenment and nirvana, so shut up and bugger off, you freaks.

Penny says something. I didn't catch it, because her voice is such a flat, dull monotone, I automatically tune out.

Jake and Ken decide to kill the last chicken as a goodwill gesture to the Chewing Gums. You choke my chicken, I'll choke yours. Wait, that didn't come out right.

Penny and Erin cuddle and tell the others to be positive and how sucky that they are going to the tribal council, oh spare me. Jake is weeping. Penny suggests that they all sleep together one last night. Jake, image of Erin and Penny doing that ho-ho thang in his lascivious mind, says that it sounds "erotic". Any man who puts "Penny" and "erotic" in the same sentence is on his way to getting a thorough cat scan ASAP. Everybody hugs, everybody cries, and I scream at them to shut the fork up.

What the hell? What is this nonsense about family and loyalty? All of you will sell your own liver for a dollar, so shut up on the holier-than-thou nonsense. SHUT UP. I'm not watching this show for hypocritical Screwed By An Angel nonsense. Shii Devil, come back and make a snarky, please. Wah, sob.

Next day. Thank you, Burnetto, for sparing me the sight of the gruesome four's orgy aftermath. Now it's time for some sadness. Lucky the last chicken is going to be killed for food. Jake is taking it so personally, reciting prayers and all, while Jan looks on and weeps. I hug a pillar and smash my head against it until I can't see anything but blissful blood in my eyes.

Saggy does sit-ups to the music of "Shake Those Fun Bags". He's not attending that crap. Mercy me, I see ugly everywhere I turn.

Jake puts "dalai lama" and "chicken" in the same sentence. Freak.

He goes on, something about chicken eat grain, man eat chicken. Freak.

Then Jake twists the chicken's neck. Crack!

Bray laughs. It's just a damn chicken, he says. I am starting to like that ugly, mean troll.

Jan weeps as she watches Lucky's death throes. She must be fun to have at funerals. She weeps and says weepily that at least Lucky's death is not in vain, the poor bird died to feed useless, braindead freaky famewhores stranded on a bountiful island yet starving to death... wait, I feel like weeping too. Poor Lucky. Your death is in vain.

Everybody gorges on Lucky. Yummy yum yum.

They cook the chicken first, in case you're wondering.

Jan, still weeping, takes Lucky's legs and bury them next to Oscar the fetal bat - remember Oscar? - and she even rechristens Lucky "Orville" or something. She is so happy that Oscar and Lucky/Orville/whatever are now together again, oh, oh, oh. I'm calling the FBI. I'm sure if they dig up this crazy old batdung woman's garden, they'd find gruesome remains of all the cows, lobsters, pigs, chickens, Democrats, and drug dealers that this blooming certified insane woman has devoured over the years, all named Oscar and Orville. Does she jump up and shriek an eulogy in the middle of Kenny Roger's Rooster before she gorges on a quarter, I wonder?

Soochee pow-wow. Jake asks if they want to spill out who they are voting.

Okay, let me add in something gleaned from Erin in the post-eviction The Early Show thing. They didn't show this on TV, but first Ken and Jake tell Erin that they are a team and they will vote Penny out, and later they will go behind Erin and form an alliance with Penny to vote Erin out. The men are systematically getting rid of the women even as we speak, preying on the women's lack of loyalty to each other.

So now, right now, we have this scene of "touching loyalty" and "love and family". When it rains and Ken says that the Lord is weeping with them, you know what? F**k this. I'm not touching this hypocritical, smug fake show of touchy-feely family bonding, because there's no family bonding. The Lord is weeping because all of you are pathetic dimwits who lie badly and do the fake family crap even worse. Soochee can fall off the very face of the earth, I won't care. I'll probably gloat though. Porno or Helen must win this thing to restore my faith in humanity.

And one more thing, look, Chewing Gum is not your enemy. Your tribe members are your enemies. Porno can't evict you. Bray can't. No, Jake, it's Ken, Penny, and Erin, your family members, who will evict you and vice versa. Damn it, your tribe is your real enemy here. Get that in your thick skulls, all of you, Chewing Gum and Soochee, before I vomit blood in disgust. Come back, Shii Devil!

Saggy feels sad for Soochee as the four morons walk off to the Tribal Council that night because one of them has to go. I feel sad too, because I want all four to go, but I know I still have to deal with three of them in the next episode. Sigh.

Tribal Council.

Ken: "We are a family. This humanizes the whole game."

Okay, that's it.

Ken, you dimwad, and yes, Jake, Erin, Penny, all of you dumb freaks, listen. Families do not cannibalize each other. Families do not lie to each other. The crap you did to each other has nothing to do with family, you are all famewhores who just want one million dollars, so shut up on the pathetic self-justification on your greed and actions. If you are one happy family, you all - all four of you - pounce on Jeff Proboscis now and hold him hostage for a million bucks, upon which you all split the money equally four ways. But you won't, will you, Jake? No, you want the money to yourself, so all of you, shut the f**k up, please, and just get lost so that I can shut the TV and go to sleep.

All of them are holding hands.

I give up.

Erin goes. She's the first, second, and third members of the jury. That is, if we can still remember her name by the next episode. The vapid airbags are gone. Whatever. I'm off to bed.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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