SURVIVOR

Thailand Episode 6: The Power of One

Hey, this episode is actually very good. Who would've thought love will turn Tooollll into Mahatma Ghandi? Let the violins play a heartbreaking serenade for our star-crossed lovers, Ken Doll and Tooollll. My heart breaks to see the farewell, but like they say, tomorrow is always another day. Or something.

Is it wrong for me to take out my Ken dolls, take a black marker pen and draw a stubble and darken the hair of one of the dolls, tie a bandana around the Toooolllll doll, and actually enact a wedding for those two? Malibu House Barbie plays the priest. I'm so juvenile. To spare you, I won't tell you about the honeymoon night enactment, although hubby is now convinced that I am as senile as Jan the Hen. But I can tell you, it was really good for Tooollll and Ken, and today, in a world that is right and fair, Ken Doll is making the streets safe while Tooollll makes some yummy cake and pasta for his hubby at home.

Tooolllll + Ken = 4eva!

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The show pans in on Soochee. Tooolll stares over the sea, probably thinking of the Cow-Saggy Manboob Grindinggate and wishing he has the courage to ask Ken to spoon with him and grind all he wants against Tooollll.

Penny, who's suddenly very talkative, I must say, says that everyone has to take this game day by day. Her thick accent is kinda adorable, too bad she looks like a mutant offspring from the DNAs of Alanis Morissette and Survivor Neleh.

Tooolllll isn't happy, and he confronts Penny about lying about votes. I have no idea what he is talking about, but I think Penny said something about not voting for Stephanie but actually doing it. Basically, with his DIY allies all gone, Tooollll is feeling rightfully vulnerable and paranoid and he decides to confront Ken Doll, whom he blames for lying to him. How did Ken Doll lie to him? Is there some secret bonding ritual involving... I don't know and I don't dare to speculate, but the thing is, Toooolllll has some emotional investment in Ken Doll that is only surfacing now. Ken has betrayed him! Toooollll is Hurt! Hurt!

Ken Doll is staring at him, wide-eyed and slack-jawed, like someone staring at a brain-damaged yapping puppy actually, but then again, it can also be the stunned look of a devoted husband suddenly accused of catting around by the wife. Lots of bleeped expletives, and it really looks like a lover's quarrel. I love it!

"I'm *bleeping* *bleeping* you," Ken tells Toooolll. You don't want to know how my dirty mind fill those blanks, trust me.

"Yeah? I'm not *bleeping* stupid," Tooollll finishes before storming away.

No, Toooolllll, you're *bleeping* *bleeping* stupid.

To Chewing Gum we go, where the Einstein tribe members are still looking for their missing boat. Helen and Jan are swimming from their lugging of water. Porno wears those saggy grey shorts and the world seems so bright all over again and I feel like breaking into a happy hamster dance at the sight of those lovely arches of heavenly pubis. Bray throws stones into the sea. I see the start of Porno's butt cleft and you know, I can die now. Really.

Helen asks the camera, "Where's the boat?"

Hidden by the crew, who hates all of you, I snicker back.

The men all swim to look for the boat.

Helen and Jan the Hen are amused. Helen muses that her secret husband, Porno, is one good swimmer - ooh - but the other two are, well, not so good. I bet she is hoping that the other two will meet some fatal accident involving a giant horny octopus or something.

Bray needs a restroom.

Porno tells him that he is in the restroom.

The alarms in Earth Watch go off like crazy as Bray sprays his radioactive toxic pee into the waters of Thailand. As of writing, don't drink any water but Evian until they have confirmed that it is safe to drink water once more.

Saggy is flubbing around like a bleached whale. Bray is whining. He wants a hamburger, he wants a rootbeer, and I want him silenced any way I can get it, preferably with a dead skunk stuffed down his throat. Porno stands like a hero on a rock, while Saggy looks up Porno's shorts adoringly. I told you, no one can stand the mojo of Porno. Now bug off, Saggy, I wanna look too. Bray whines some more.

The camera man pans down to the boat, which is nestled in a corner of the island far, far away. If you look closely, you can see Jeff Proboscis waving at the camera right before taking a dump in the boat, but that may be just my overactive imagination.

Soochee. Erin Boobavich whacks away at a coconut. Everyone's starving and getting skinny, but her breasts seem to be getting even bigger. Yep, they're definitely fakes, because they aren't shrinking with the rest of her. By the merge she may need crutches to support those cement balls of hers. It's like watching Callista Flockhart buying Pamela Anderson's implants and stuffing them along with several watermelons into each one of those kittens.

Ken Doll is lazing on the shelter like some lazy ass pasha, but he perks up noticeably when Tooolll wants into the scene. So much sexual tension, I tell you. Toooolll rummages for bananas, ignoring the tribal rule that says no one is supposed to eat the yet unripe bananas. Toooollll doesn't care. "I'm hungry so I'll eat a banana. Don't say a word." Ken Doll, face as dark as night, makes a show of checking and counting the rest of the bananas. He's so jealous because Tooolll wanted that banana and not his. Shii Devil can't resist, and soon she and Toooollll are bickering again.

Penny wonders why everybody can't get along. See, Penny, it's like this. Only one fellow can win a million dollars. It's kinda tough to get along when you have that. She wonders whether they should just leave "those two" to work it out. Who? Tooolll and Ken Doll? Yeah, that's a good idea. Let me know when those guys are going to rip each other's clothes and work off their sexual frustrations on each other. I'll bring the popcorns and Penny, you bring the binoculars and oh yeah, please shut up.

The reward challenge time. Jeff Proboscis is wearing ugly-ass blue khaki shirt and even uglier shades, but there's no shades uglier than the tiny round ones Ken Doll is wearing. Ken Doll's shades make his head look ten times bigger, like a Frankenstein Monster that's all head (did I see Tooollll perk up at that?) and scowl.

I missed the name of the game, but it involves a tribe member using a giant sling to shoot a rattan-ball to the air and the other tribe members will try and catch it with giant net scoops. One guy will pair off with the member of the rival tribe and each will try to thwart the other. Fun.

Tooollll is very good at this. Bray, Tooolll's opponent, is beyond pathetic, until they have a time-out and Bray changes places with Saggy. Now that's more like it, and Saggy is a very effective wall as he smashes his bulk against Toooollll. But it's too late - Toooollll gets the last score and Soochee wins.

Tooolll single-handedly delivers Soochee their victory, and I must confess, he's kinda glorious when he's being good. Soochee wins a Thai seafood buffet, and everyone loves Toooolllll now.

Chewing Gum is not happy that they have to eat clams while the other tribe dig in and enjoy. Bray is whining again, gawd, will that man ever shut up? Saggy says he hates losing. Bray lies on the white mosquito netting of a bed of theirs, and just lay there like dead meat. Saggy shakes his head and goes "Aaaaargh!" I miss Porno. Where's my always half-naked Porno? These ugly people are scaring me. I want my Porno!

Back to Soochee, where everybody is digging at fake unauthentic Thai food. Any authentic Thai cuisine will have spicy tomyam soup, but I bet that will send these folks into mass diarrhea. Watching them eat make me feel hungry, and I have to call up a pizza. Hmmph.

Then comes the xylophone players and the dancers. It looks like some freak Thai sideshow in the middle of nowhere. Mark Burnetto must have hired the cheapest locals to perform the cheaporamas they are putting on for the Soochee doofuses.

But those morons are so impressed. "Thai culture!" Tooollll gushes. This is what happens when your own culture extends no further than the bottom of the pizza box.

Shii Devil is touched. This is one rare moment where everyone is acting like friends, and she thinks it's cool. Me too. It's always funny when silly tourists gush over some cheap ten-dollar sideshow as some "deep culture" thing. If only they know, really.

Back at Chewing Gum, the guys are having a pow-wow. They decide that they must not lose any more immunity until the merge, or they will be outnumbered by Soochee and be picked off one by one.

Porno and Saggy muse about how good they both are to each other, and how they have an alliance since day one and Bray must never suspect. Gee, a Saggy-Porno alliance, huh? Shocking. Who would've thought, man? Wow. Snort. Porno says that he and Saggy share the same lingo, and I guess it's the same lingo as "bum" and "bleeped". Behold the mojo of Porno, woo-hah!

Soochee again. Ken Doll and Tooollll are walking to a cave in a romantic mano-et-homoeroto bonding. The camera pans to a scorpion and a snake before cutting to these two men, and while I guess that's supposed to be a not-too-subtle snark at the men, but the visual of slithering snakes make this whole Love Story Of The Century even more sexy and romantic.

Tooollll is telling the world about how wise Ken Doll is, how Ken Doll makes Tooollll make sense even to himself (an occurrence he admits is rare), and how his mind is opened after seeing the cheap Thai dancing and eating fake Thai food. Jesus. Both men enter the cave - shut up, Freud - to look at bats, and Tooolll looks and runs around like an earnest child while Ken Doll watches on with tender affection. "Robb, be careful," he tells his wife, and I hold my hands together and press it to my chest. How sweet!

They then sit together, and tears well up in my eyes as those two men talk and gush and try so hard to hold back so as to not indulge in kissing or more before the cameras. Tooolll is so pathetically forlorn, an adoring puppy chasing after the Daddy Rottweiler of the place, and Ken is the guru who will hold Tooolll steady as they come all the way here so that Ken can express how much he thinks Tooolll is doing things the wrong way.

"I love you!" Tooolll breaks into song. "Love is a many splendored thing! All you need is love! Just one night. Just one night..."

And together, they burst into "Come what may! Come what may! I will love you! Until my dying da-yyyyyyyy!"

Camera quickly cuts to Chewing Gum before Baz Luhrmann decides to sue Burnetto.

Yes, I made the love duet up. But it happened, I insist. They just didn't show it on TV.

Chewing Gum. Jan the Hen finds a dead embryonic bat and wants to have a funeral for it.

Helen makes a very comical face. "Yeah, that's sad. Now bury it before the flies get it."

Ted wants to just send flowers and cards instead of attending the funeral.

Bray's look of disgust makes me almost like that old whiney ass. Almost.

Porno wonders if Jan is going batty, pardon the pun.

Somewhere, Jan's students, watching their teacher bury a bat, must be really proud of their teacher.

Jan makes a cross for the bat's grave. Uh, Jan, what if the bat's a Buddhist? We do have some Buddhists around Thailand, you know.

She names the bat Oscar.

Let's just move on.

Porno appears wearing tight black short trunks. I almost died on the spot, and wow, forget what I said about his ugly chest. Those sworls of hair on his abs are actually pretty sexy. They don't call those things "treasure trails" for nothing, I tell you. One can probably go fishing for lobsters with Porno's.

Immunity time. This is a game called "Thai 21". Let's just say it's a silly game where you have to remove the twenty flags in a circle in four rounds, leaving the last flag for the fifth. Winner is the one who solves this. You can only remove either one, three, or four flags at one time.

Lots of planning, but Soochee makes one wrong move - Shii Devil, when Chewing Gum moves in for the kill: "We lost. This sucks." - and Chewing Gum wins immunity. Woo! (Then again, it's so apparent that this immunity is skewed towards Chewing Gum's favor - I doubt Chewing Gum can handle another physical endurance challenge.)

Jeff just has to stand beside the Soochees and sarcastically tells them, "Just another example of a wrong move that costs you the whole game!" All this with this smirk on his face. What a guy! Hee.

Night on Soochee and it's a full moon. Jake talks for the first time - so he's still alive after all, hiya Grandpa! - about how they love each other, oh spare me. Ken Doll and Toooollllll hug. My heart breaks watching them, because everyone knows Toooollllll is going tonight. All of them celebrate by drinking a bottle of wine they won from the reward challenge earlier, and Tooollll loses it. When he is going "family" and "positivity", oh yes, he is losing it. "You change my life" - is he on crack? "Toolllll makes me think," Erin says, and oh yes, she is on crack. "Life is so important," Toooolll states the obvious, "the people I love! I never had relationships with my dad in twenty-one years of my life!"

Stop it! Don't make me like you, Toooolll!

Ken and Shii Devil call Toooolllll a nice guy.

I weep. This is all so touching, and I weep for Ken and Toooolll's doomed love. A pure, true love, broken by the cruel game of life. How could we let this happen? And who kidnapped Toooolllll and put that moppet Gabriel Cade in his place?

Morning. The camera doesn't pan on a naked Toooolllll and naked Ken spooning and cuddling after their one final night of love, but we all know it happened, right? Right. Anyway, Shii Devil, somewhat embarrassed by last night's show of flagrante, says that it's probably the wine, the defeat blues, and all that got them all mushy and sappy last night. Well, she doubts that this is the Breakfast Club and that things have changed after a cleansing confession. Smart gal.

Jake kills a chicken.

Ken and Toooollll exchange a tender kiss. We don't get to see it, but it happened, people, it happened, so there!

Tribal council. Tooollll has cut his hair and you know, he really looks pretty hot in a Silas Gaither way. Da-yum, I'm starting to like this guy, but then again, love makes one a better man, right, Toooollll?

Penny, though, is still ugly.

Tooolllll is going on and on about how amazing this experience and how he just wants to share "it", whatever "it" is, with everybody and how he doesn't care about winning anymore - oh yeah, he's on crack, definitely.

Everyone is all lovey-dovey today. Then again, look at me, all lovey dovey myself. Ken and Tooolllll, aw. How can we not be lovey dovey after witnessing such a grand, right love? Jeff, the evil man, asks point blank how then will they vote someone out if they're so lovey dovey. Shii Devil?

Shii Devil is flustered. Heh heh heh.

Okay, people go vote now.

Shii Ann gets one vote.

"Two B's, two B's, guys," Toooollll grumbles with a smile as his name is read again, again, again, and again. He's out. He should talk. "Shii Ann" is not spelled "SH", Tooooolllll.

Shii Devil tries so hard not to burst out laughing.

Would you believe that I am actually sorry to see him go? But that long hug of his with Ken is almost worth it. "Much love," Tooolll calls back. I wave my lighter in the air as tears roll down my cheeks. Ah, cruel, cruel world. Love dies. Ouch.

"Clearly you've all experienced a spritual growth," Jeff can't resist stabbing one last blade into this tribe, and how he can say "spiritual growth" with a straight face I will never understand, "but you've just sent the cause of your spiritual growth away. Great game, huh?"

Oh yes, Proboscis, this is a great time. Now let us close the chapter on Ken and Toooollll's beautiful but doomed love story, with Un Bel Di playing in the background to accompany the sounds of our heart breaking, and sigh heavily at the tragedy of it all.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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