SURVIVOR

Thailand Episode 11: A Big Surprise... and Another

Wasn't last week's recap episode (which I didn't bother with) with its special Cow Does Vogue highlights exciting? Isn't this brand new episode even more tantalizing? Boy, you surely didn't expect Jake to be Pagonged finally, did you? Isn't this show exciting, you, the last six people out there who are still watching this freak show?

Anybody?

Crickets, please stop chirping. That's so rude.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, the Evil Penny was booted most ceremoniously - with minimum dignity, the way it should be done - two episodes (counting the "special" last week) ago, and Fake said some nasty things at the Tribal Council. Or at least, Bray finds it nasty. If Bray finds it nasty, you know it must be really nasty. Or really noble. Whatever. Bray's scum and he's a midgety scum.

They're back from the Council, and Bray is ranting on Fake. Jan the Insane Hen says that Bray isn't happy with Fake's throwing his superior contributions compared to Bray's lazy-ass bum-leering act to Bray's face. Helen says that Bray is upset because Fake is right, he contributes so much more than Bray, and Bray feels the sting where it hurts the most: on his ego which we all know is overcompensatingly large to make up for his midget-sized stature. Saggy says that Bray is being childish - they're just words, man, who gives a heck? Good advice he should've taken himself during the Grindinggate, eh, Saggy? Pot, kettle, Saggy: all can go to perdition.

Why am I even watching this show?

Porno, hirsute, a demonlord of the most delightful sort of evil, watches from the sidelines, secretly laughing at the freaks that let him climb so easily to the top of the scrap heap to be the dubious king of fools.

Morning. Ooh. Porno opens his eyes. He's wearing an ugly and no doubt stinking greenish jacket with comouflage motive, and he's ugly again.

Bray whines that he misses his family. Oh yeah, Magilla the Magic Monkey hasn't been making much appearences lately, has he?

He also complains that he has lost weight. Oh, I'm so sad, boo-hoo-hoo. He smells. That's something new.

Fake writes in his journals his adventures here. It probably reads something like this: "I picked a team of good-looking athletic youngsters, and they turn out to be a bunch of useless, no-good, lousy sons of female stray mutts. Burnetto is the &^%$ %$#% #$%^. I end up in a merge where I am only one of the three Soochees. They don't believe me when I told them how I single-handedly saved eight kids from a burning bus while suffering from a cardiac arrest and trying to perform an impromptu Caesarian using a pair of pliers on an 80-year old autistic woman giving birth to conjoined Siamese triplets at the same time. Don't they know how tough it is to do that? It takes a special Texan hero - me - so why can't they see that? My right hand man, the Ken Doll, is useless. The Evil Penny backstabs me (although she got what she deserved when they kicked her off). Bitch Bad woman, that Penny. I'm now the last of the once young and beautiful Soochees. I know I will go tonight. Ho hum. Who should I vote for tonight? Eenie-meenie, you know what, wife? I hate this game! It sucks! I want my Mommy!"

He says that he can "see the ending coming" and he's just waiting for the Immunity Challenge to try a last moment bid to give himself some more time.

I think he'll have a better chance of winning if he goes berserk and murders everybody else with a coconut. But that's just me. Maybe a divine miracle can happen in the next few hours - like maybe somehow the Cow joins the tribe again and they will have to boot her out once more - who knows? Or more accurately, who cares?

Jan and Helen, the Insane Hen wearing a bikini that will look good on, say, Porno's wife but totally nauseously hideous on her, find a cute little fake gold pot-like thing that holds the new poetry-challenged missive inside. Helen immediately proves right the Darwinist theory of evolution, and Magilla weeps happy tears as he finally discovers his long lost mommy, as Helen goes into hysterical "Oh, oh, OH!" full-blown fists-on-my-chin, jump-up-and-down, I'm-vertically-epileptic mode. She and Jan sprint back the beach like sexy female Baywatch lifeguards (after the Politically Correct Society for All Types of Body Beautiful has struck on the show, that is), and Fake amazes at their agility and speed when the rest of the tribe could barely walk. At least, I assume it's their agility and speed he's marveling at, because he sure can't be awed by the ladies' non-existant Pamela Andersonesque bounciness.

I'm quite disturbed that even then, Helen and Hen still come off as the sanest, most likeable people on this sorry freakshow.

The ladies are excited because the badly-worded missive has the words "luxury" and "food" in them. They all get excited and hug, because this must be the reward food challenge and like starving birdies who cannot feed despite being surrounded by edible plants and sealife, they have to rely on Burnetto, their mommy birdie, to personally deliver their food to them.

Jeff is waiting. There are seats, upon which Porno seats himself in the middle like the king, Helen at his right side, the Queen, and Bray at his left side, the Midget Jester. Fake, Saggy, and Jan stand behind King Porno the Erect, hangers-on. Mark Burnetto has finally created a kingdom scarier than Lord of the Flies - bravo, man, bravo!

Jeff announces that it's time for the Family Member Come Out and Weep Moment.

Out comes Helen's hubby, looking like he can give Saggy a run for his money in the Jello Dancin' Boobies Tournament. Helen grabs Porno's arm in joy. The Hubby, Jimmy "Jello" Manboobs, must be amused. Saggy's brother seems to have caught a giant mouse, bits off its tail, and sticks the tail on his chin specially for this show. CC, Porno's wife, struts out looking like Miss White Trash Alabama. Out walks Fake's wife, followed by Bray's wife. I've never known "Texan Wife" is such an effective stereotype. Then comes Jan the Hen's son, looking... well, never mind.

"You found me!" Jan the Hen weeps, and you know, in that moment, I find myself shedding a tear too. Jan is probably insane as hell, but at this moment, she's the only one showing traits remotely human on this island. At least when she's lush, happy, sad, dotty, or just plain crazy, she isn't faking it, which is more than I can say of coarse mean-spirited assholes like Bray or just plain dim-witted people like Saggy and Helen. Yes, Helen, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Jeff says that right now, the Survivors' loved ones must be more beautiful than they ever were to the contestants' eyes, blah blah blah hand me a toke, I need one now. The Reward Challenge will give the winner 24 hours of having the loved one staying with the tribe. Others get to watch and burn in seething envy.

CC licks her lips and gives Porno a come-hither look. They exchange a glance right out of the scene where Rocko and Bambette look at each other before hammering away for fifteen passionless minutes before the camcorder for America's Hottest Amateur Sex Flicks.

Ah, but the challenge is special - this time it is the loved ones who will have to eat the gross food. Boy, isn't Shii Devil steamed that her family isn't in this competition. Anyway, as Jeff speaks, the camera pans on CC's breasts (and how tragic for Erin Boobavich that CC's look more naturally than Boobavich's could ever be) for the obligatory Sole Lascivious Moment.

Helen stamps her foot on the ground and waves her stiff finger (right arm straight out) at Jello as she mouths silently, "You! Eat!" I can hear the snip of the scissors on Jello's testicles already.

The first course is a spoonful of roasted red and flying ants. "They're dead," Jeff reassures them in a voice that shows how much he wishes that the ants weren't. Everybody eats down. Helen nods approvingly as his husband swallows. (Please don't look at me like that - you know what I mean when I say he swallows.) CC swallows too, and Bray makes a very audible sound of excitement ("CC's getting it down!" - oh, the jokes just write themselves, don't they?), more so than when his wife (deliberately?) chokes on her spoonful to get his attention. He is probably wishing that CC wins and then Bray can eavesdrop to the sounds of Porno and CC shagging. He's a dirty old man who isn't above such nonsense.

Everyone passes this one, no problemo. The next course, however, is a roasted water roach (a big one too). Jello chokes. Helen gives a look that is purely Eyes Open Wide and Lips Thin With Forbidding Disapproval as she growls at him, "Don't! Swallow it!" And he does. Poor Jello.

Jeff just has to cut in here by telling Helen just how much Jello must have wanted to be with her and he must love her so much.

"Swallow it!" Helen hisses at Jello, ignoring Jeff completely.

Only CC refuses to eat. Insert your own choice putting-nasty-things-in-one's-mouth joke here. She says that she cannot eat something that Porno kills for her at home (her house has water roaches?) so bye bye baby, I love you.

With uncharacteristic curtness, Proboscis tells her, "CC, time for you to go."

"Bye sweetheart," Porno says. He's probably relieved inside that the wife isn't here anymore - the less chance she will humiliate the both of them with some impromptu striptease thing.

The third course is three live grubs. The three fastest teams to swallow them will be able to move on to the next round.

Helen goes "Yes!" as Jello swallows once more.

In the end, Bray's wife and Jan's son have to left the Swallow Pow-Wow.

"I love you, baby boy!" Jan the Hen calls, all weepy inside and outside. Aww.

Bray's wife is openly weeping. "I love you!" she tells him. "I love you!" he tells her. "I love you!" she tells him back. "I love you!" he tells her in response. Goodness me, what is this? Titanic Part Two? Wifey is unloading those tears, while Bray is dabbing at his eyes. Celine Dion will be doing the title track of this movie. You read it here first.

Ted's brother has to go too. He doesn't swallow well. He takes off his hat, and everybody seems surprised that he is as bald as Saggy. I guess the Fu Manchu rat tail on his chin must have distracted everybody.

Next: live tarantula! Nah, just kidding, Jeff says as he puts aside the live spider and brings out a boiled one instead. They have one minute to eat the spider. If there is a draw, they'll proceed to the tie-breaker, a really tough one: the cement ball that was Erin's breast. Nah, just kidding.

It's Missus Fake versus Jello now.

"Swallow it!" Fake calls. "Quick as you can!"

"Please! Please! Please!" Helen calls out.

It's a tie. Mrs Fake drinks some water before announcing that she wants to be with Fake so much, she will eat anything. Awww. Now the next one - boiled scorpion.

"Please, please, please, Jimmy!" Helen calls out. "I need it. Swallow it. I need it. Keep it down! Tightly! Swallow it! Swallow!"

"You gotta swallow it baby. It's okay baby," Fake tells his wife. "You gotta swallow it!"

No, people, this is not the X-rated Survivor. What makes you think it is?

Finally, Jello does the honorable thing and swallows faster than Mrs Fake. Mrs Fake proceed to throw up. She blows Fake a kiss, weeping copiously and as Fake tells her it's okay, his eyes are red as well. Come on, Proboscis, give them a chance to kiss at least! She has come this far and fought so hard, unlike someone *coughCCcough*, so damn it, it's evil not to give them at least one hug and kiss. But no, poor Mrs Fake is led away weeping as if she's being led to the gallows (come on lady, it's only for a few more weeks before you get him back again!).

Helen hugs Jello and Jello gets to wear the yellow Chewing Gum+1 Sooche buff. It's a honor, really. He says he will do anything to win for Helen. Aww. Jello is then shown the sights and scenes of the glorious caves. He kisses Helen who hasn't brushed her teeth properly in almost a month. Must be love, people, just the way it should be.

Jello is amazed at what he has seen. I know. I still get amazed everytime I see this show. It's that ghastly.

That night, everybody gives Helen and Jello privacy. Jan the Insane Hen laughs that they tried to listen that night but couldn't hear a sound. America, do you want Jan to teach your kids about sex? Helen reveals that she and Jello just talk all through the night - come on, having Bray nearby is a surefire libido-killer, I'm sure - and she says that this experience has taught her to reevaluate the importance of family, blah blah blah. I love it when people use this crap show to make it sound as if it's the road to karmic enlightenment. No wonder Burnetto saw fit to write a crappy motivational self-help book and same with that Rudy freak and that Hatchetface guy. Survivor teaches self-delusion as an artform.

Next morning, Jello and Helen decide to go take water. She wants Jello to be grateful of the convenience of having tap water just like she is now. He is surprised at how well she has adapted to this game, because according to him, Helen is the kind of woman who sees a two-star hotel as too rough. Hmm, is he talking about the same Helen I see on TV?

Jello may be here for barely a day, but he immediately recognizes the dynamics of the game and rightfully pegs Porno as the power center. But Helen shocks me by telling Jello that she trusts Porno and she is certain that Porno is playing an honorable game. She will also play honorable and if that means she has to concede defeat to Porno, she will. When I could stop laughing, I could only stare at Helen in aghast. Tell me she's joking. Please, tell me she's joking, somebody. Jello tries to tell her to get rid of Porno before Bray, a guy Helen says isn't trustworthy at all, and Helen, for goodness sake, listen to your husband before Porno screws you over.

I knew it. She's just as dumb as the rest of them. It's now the Hen all the way. Go Jan! Win this thing!

The boat comes to collect Jello that evening as she, he, Porno, and Fake collect clams for dinner. "That's it?" she wails. She knows she shouldn't weep so openly because she can alienate the other team members who don't even have a chance to be with their loved ones, and she wishes in a way this never happened, because the low feeling she gets when he's gone really makes her vulnerable. Well, at least she's thinking in some things. Please, Helen, don't trust Porno, for the love of your long-lost son Magilla the Magic Monkey!

The next morning is here. The camera focuses on the banner and pans in on Ken Doll and Evil Penny's name. Yeah, yeah, dredge up the past. Whatever. This show still sucks no matter what.

Saggy brings back more bad poetry. Yay, it's immunity challenge again! Fake knows he must win this one or he's toast. He stares at Helen's Necklace of A Million Sharp Spikes, aka the Cheap Immunity Necklace and he repeats it to himself - he must win immunity.

Jeff is in black. He wears a necklace that just screams "Gay!" Then again, he's the man who hugged Colby way too long for claims of 100% heterosexuality. Since by this time we all know that the challengers aren't up for anything beyond second grade puzzles, we have given cubes cut into several different shaped-chunks. The winner is the one who assembles the cube correctly. The "another suprise" is this: their loved ones come out to help them! Everybody hugs and kiss, except for Saggy and his rat-tailed brother, who just hug, they're macho men, you know. Porno can still prep talk his wife in strategy even as they claw at each other's butts - then again, wifey probably needs one badly. Mr and Mrs Fake tongue kiss. Oh, cooties, goodness. The Survivor and his or her loved one are tied at the wrist, but I'm sure with Porno and CC, that will be no problem. Surprisingly, Saggy and bro win for Saggy, and they are so happy, bro falls onto Saggy to straddle that man and then they roll and roll and roll, ahem, From Here To Eternity. Did I say that macho men don't kiss? Forget that. Saggy and bro here are gayer than the Zoolander Twins, but they lack the hottie factor of the Zoolander Twins. Angelina Jolie and her brother are toast now. Meet the new Poster Kids for Brohomoerotica Yay!

Careful, Saggy, don't let the sharp spikes puncture your boobies now.

More tongue kissing from Fake and Missus. Get a room, you two.

Bray tries to follow his Missus down (hah, I know you, you perv, you wanna see CC!), only to be reprimanded by Proboscis.

All walk back, loved ones one direction, Survivors - what a misnomer of a name - another, Bray's arms around Saggy's waist and his head on Saggy's side, a Midget with his Giant Manboobs. What a touching scene of love and devotion, freak show circus style.

Back at camp. Fake knows he's doomed. He, me, and the other six people who still bother to tune in. "I could've done better," he says. So could we. What's on the other channel? He hugs Saggy, saying goodbye, writing in his journals ("I hate you Burnetto! The money should be mine mine MINE!"), dead man walking to the Tribal Council.

Helen pulls Porno aside and talks about voting Bray. Remember, she believes that Porno has an alliance with her, Porno will never play her out, Porno trusts her and she he, and they are very cool together. She wants to get Saggy and Jan the Hen in to kick out Bray.

But Porno isn't so sure. He has promised everybody - I'm not sure about the Hen though - he will take them to the final two, and the others are too stupid to sit down and compare notes. Porno is winning this game, unless the other three (Bray, Helen, and Saggy) learn of his three-timing and murder each other in the chaos that ensue. Jan the Hen will then beams happily as she clutches the alcohol flask to her chest for her "nipples" and trips over the corpses of her four ex-team mates as she accepts the million dollars paycheck from Burnetto. Forrest Gump? Pshaw, meet the real thing: Jan the Hen!

But that's a different show, an actually good Survivor Thailand show worth watching. I'm stuck with this crapfest of idiots who can't see past their noses.

Porno, by the way, is wearing those short black thingies when he's pow-wowing Helen. Glad to see he still has it. Porno was too much clothed the last few episodes, I was beginning to think that I have merely imagined his hot mojo.

Tribal council. Penny wears an ugly purple dress, looking like a blond Alanis on steroids and unwashed hair. Erin Boobavich is still Erin, while Ken Doll is so not hot when he's not malnourished and dirty.

What? Tribal Council? Jake lost. 4-1. (The one is Jake voting for ...eenie... meeniee.. mainee... mo... oh? Jan? Okay. Jan.) The show's ended. Now let's go party. I think we have wasted enough time with this episode.

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