SURVIVOR

Pearl Islands Episode 12: Mutiny

Twelve episodes down (technically, thirteen, but the pain has taken over and I stopped keeping close count after five) and one more to go. Ooh, I can't wait for the show to end and I can go watch movies or take up ballroom dancing in the time slot I usually allocate for my weekly TV torture. (What's that, you say? American Idol 3 is starting in mid-January? I can't hear you, la la la.) Anyway, let's make this quick - this week's recap is a rushed job as I only have one day between this episode and the finale to rewatch the episode, jot down notes, type this stupid thing down, put it up on the website, and then happily tape over the episode with scenes of death and destruction as a cleansing ritual on my part.

"Previously," Probby narrates, which is the sign for people to go take toilet breaks or do whatever they need to do before the show starts and the commercial break that takes place, oh, three minutes later. Well, previously Burtman, Lil, and Jon continue to stick together, although cracks are showing in our favorite Ashton and Demi couple of the year. Sandra and Cokecasta rail against the solid wall of this alliance, biting desperately on every false promises that Jon and Burtman feed them, and when Darrah wins the Mattel Sabre, there is no where for Cokecasta to go except straight down the long and winding road to Loser Lodge. "This week, five are left," Probby intones as he discreetly picks his nose while doing the voice-over, "who will be voted out tonight?"

Someone plays that gong sound and the horrid theme song starts. The credits. Hubby wonders why, in the history of this show, the Final Fives are always the ugliest Survivors of the bunch. For the women, that may be true but I have no complains myself as the men aren't too bad. Let's see, Pulau Tiga is really ugly, Australia has Colby, Africa's Ethan is debatable but okay I guess, Marquesas's Sean "Ja Tool" Rector is very hot neck down if I can overlook his attitude, Thailand has Porno who is hot, Amazon's Queen Elfreda isn't too bad, and this season we have Burtman. So, Pulau Tiga being the single aberration, we always have at least one resident male hottie in the Final Five.

Anyone, on with show. It's night thirty-three. Ooh, here's a snake. The snake is slithering on a log on a stormy night as lightning streaks across the sky. Look, there's Jon walking back to Camp Bobo after they have given Cokecasta her metaphorical OD. Burtman walks behind him, followed by Lil, then Sandra. Jon and Burtman are all smiles. Jon tells Sandra that before she starts cussing at him, she must understand that this is not a two-person game and she should be glad that it is Cokecasta that goes instead of her. Burtman in his confession is gleeful as he talks about how they have blindsided Cokecasta "just out of nowhere" and how this is the third time in a row he and Jon have orchestrated a blindside eviction. "It is beautiful," he says. Please note this scene down as it is very important that we can all sit back and laugh when Burtman realizes first-hand, up-close, that being blindsided is indeed very, very beautiful.

Back to the Single File of the Lovelorn and Desolate, Sandra tells the others that she can't complain but she knows that she has only three more days left. In his confession, Jon says that Sandra will go, but after Darrah goes. He's not telling her this however, as the thought of Sandra constantly being kept on her toes as she jumps on hot coals delight him to no end. Why Darrah? Darrah is perceived as a threat as she keeps winning Immunities like nobody's business. Jon cackles because he thinks he is the smartest man in the world. No doubt, his drinking buddies cackle with him as they watch him on TV, and that's before the long-suffering bartender rolls up his eyes and wishes that he's taken up toilet-cleaning instead of catering to these losers.

Day thirty-four, early morning. Sandra wakes up and starts moaning that she doesn't feel good. So much for not complaining. Burtman and Jon are also awake and Burtman doesn't feel like fishing today. He thinks they will just go forage for seafood instead. In her interview, Sandra confesses that she is so furious at the disintegration of the 9-to-5 clique that she is planning her very own special scorched earth counterattack. Her revenge will unfold with her hiding every tool she can get her grubby paws on. She'll hide the water cans - camera pans on the equipment in question - the rarely-used nets, the pick-ax, the knives, the fishing spear, and the four swim masks. With a defiant nod, she says that she is going down, but the others will feel it worse than she. There's probably a dirty joke in there, but I don't think I want to go there. I must say though, as despicable and misguided this woman is, the way she rattles off her deadpan speech about her revenge plans is very amusing. To be honest, I don't blame her one bit for wanting to take revenge, but she is still a mean-spirited bitchsnitch that is often cruel for no reason other than she can and she will.

Burtman and Lil are now chipping away at mussels that are attached to the rocks along the shore. Jon is of course helping by standing beside them and talking about strategy. Remember, he's the mastermind after all. Jon announces that Darrah must go next because she's a threat. Lil noticeably freezes and squawks out that she doesn't agree with the idea. Jon launches into the Darrah is an Immunity threat speech for her benefit, but Lil isn't buying anything that he says to her. In her confession, she says that she is quite irritated that the men can so easily break their word. It was supposed to be Burtman, Jon, Darrah, and Lil to the Top Four after all, and now Lil wonders whether the men will break their word to her as easily as they are now breaking their word to Darrah. She brings up the fact that Burtman is already wavering on the concept that he and Lil will go to Top Two. If they can screw Darrah over, she wonders aloud, they can just as easily screw her over too. But to Jon, she agrees with him although there is clearly reservation in her voice, saying that it's better that Darrah goes instead of her. She reminds the men that they promised to take her to Final Three at least, just for good measure.

It is now time for the Immunity Challenge. Probby waits until the five Bobos are standing before him in a clearing filled with props before he congratulates them on making it this far in the game. He announces that this Challenge is called "Second Chances", in the tradition of Burnetto reusing the same props every season for one last rehashed Reward Challenge.

This time, each Survivor must compete in a series of obstacle courses. First, their hands are tied to a post from which they must free themselves. Then they will dig themselves under the wooden bamboo prison gate to reach a sand pit inside the cage. There, they must use a compass, a coordinate map, and some ropes to locate the spot where a key is buried. After they've dug up the key, they will have to construct a pole from branches and twigs to pick up a second key from outside the cage. After using both keys to unlock themselves from the cage, they will run to a nearby firing range where they will have to take up a slingshot and break three plates. Each broken plate will release a bag containing a puzzle piece. They must collect the puzzle pieces and run to the nearby table to assemble the piece to form the word "Jolly Roger". If these obstacle courses sound familiar, they are, as they are parts of earlier challenges not just in this season but also from the season before and the season before the season before and the season before that and... you get the idea.

I am starting to suspect that Burnetto keeps all his props in a giant transportable trailer to be whipped out and recycled in every location for every season, just like how Probby has to recycle his wardrobe every season as well. I strongly suggest that Burnetto dispense of wardrobe budget altogether by having Probby host the show in his birthday suit next season. Please don't get me wrong: it's not that I want to have rumors of Probby's overendowment confirmed or anything like that; I sincerely want to see better props and more creative Challenges in the future. Burnetto will do well to heed my well-intentioned advice.

Burnetto reveals that today's prize is a visit to Panama City. He explains that Panama City was a fabulous place where the natives perform wonderful ritual sacrifices until in 1671 when that spoilsport pirate bloody Morgan comes on over to loot, pillage the gold, rape, plunder, and ruin everything. While the winner will not be able to loot or pillage or become the annual sacrifice, alas, he or she can plunder through a feast of roast pig (Probby specifically says "roast pig"), fruits, potatoes, and other dessert.

Then the Bobos are all tied up and ready to go when Probby gives the signal and he does, saying "Go!" Sandra is the first to use her teeth because it comes naturally to her and Burtman follows suit to untie themselves. But it is Lil that frees herself first - she's the Scoutmarm after all and who knows, maybe she and Lonnie practise untying each other's knots often in their free time. As she starts pushing herself under the prison gate, Burtman follows, so does Jon, Sandra, and finally Darrah. Darrah's small frame allows her to catch up with Lil and soon these two are digging in the sand. Lil, however, has what seems like a panic attack as she tries to sort out the map reading. When I remember that she should be good at first, it's quite amusing in a tragic way. Darrah has no problems locating the correct spot while Burtman just keeps digging without bothering to consult the map. "Alright, let's think about this. Ignore the others," Lil tells herself aloud as she tries to sort herself out. Probby helpfully tells her to start everything from the top. Lil replies by telling him that she can't think. During this time, Jon is the first to locate his key. Probby wonders whether Burtman knows what he is doing, and as it turns out, Burtman does as he grabs his key from the hole he's dug and runs after Jon.

Lil, Darrah, and Sandra are still at the sand pit. There is a spider web in the foreground when the camera focuses on Sandra. A subtle man, that Burnetto. Snakes, spiders, so many animals on this show and none of them plaguing the Bobos in any way. Color me bitterly disappointed. Darrah digs. "Come on, old girl, focus!" Lil tells herself as she stares at the map before her. Boy, I'd hate to be in her troop when it comes to an emergency.

Burtman gets his key. He runs up to the firing range and breaks his first plate.

"Jon is working on his pole. He wants to make sure that it is long enough, but he is six inches short," Probby announces. Thanks, Probby. Now hand me the Chlorox so that I can pour it into my ear canals and bleach my brain from the horrid image your words sear into my poor, poor brain.

Burtman hits the second plate and then the third. He is now pulling the bags to him along the ground.

Lil is finished with laying eggs on the sandpit and is now throwing to work that pole to get her key. "There are lots of bends - it doesn't look strong enough," Probby tells her. More Chlorox, please. Darrah and Sandra are also working on their poles. Sorry, it's now too late to put a stop to bad puns. It's Probby fault, by the way. He started it, not me.

Jon's pole is finally long enough and he grabs his key. But it's no use. Burtman manages to fit together the three pieces better than he can spell, so he wins the Reward. Wow. Jon drops the key but he manages to push his fist out from the cage to punch it with Burtman's fist. He is such a loser. He's that freak that calls the popular kids all sorts of names but the moment a popular kid beckons to him, he all but bends over and pretends to pick up the soap he deliberately drops down.

Probby repeats that spiel about how it is not fun (or "not much of a memory" as he puts it) for anyone to eat and enjoy the Reward alone. He urges Burtman to consider taking someone. Burtman chooses Jon and Jon runs like a madman and hops into Burtman's arms, saying, "You get a big hug, baby! We're gonna be happy!" I'm talking about legs clasping Burtman's waist and Burtman running his greasy palms up and down Jon's back. Heck, don't bother with that Chlorox bottle. Just drive me to the Chlorox plant, I'll just dive into a tank full of that stuff. And besides, who will want to have memories when Jon figures prominently in them? Burtman must be demented and desperately in love with that imbecile, because I can't think of any other reason why he wants to take that six-inches-short freak with him.

Now we have that boat cutting through the sea as it brings Jon, Burtman, and Probby to the Panama City harbor. Burtman confides to the camera that before the Reward Challenge, he and Jon have promised to take each other should each win the Challenge. He adds that he is looking forward to enjoying this Reward with someone fun. He is talking about Jon. He truly is demented.

A whale surges up from the sea and flops back down when she realizes who the people on the boat are. "Look at how close we are," Jon tells Burtman as they watch in awe. How close, indeed.

Jon confides that it is wonderful to be with Burtman and away from the rest. He feels that this is the first time that the men can step away from camp without truly worrying about strategy. This is really a bad misstep, as we shall see. For two people so hung up on playing the game strategically with lies and false promises, it is highly ironic that they assume that their victims are incapable of doing the same.

The boat docks at the waterfront and Probby leads Dumber and Dumberer up the stairs. Burtman narrates as the camera shows how Probby brings the men to where an Envoy SUV, all sparkly red to suit Burtman's flaming personality, awaits. Probby gestures at it and passes the key to the SUV to Burtman. Burtman waxes lyrical about his "brand new Envoy" as Jon hugs and congratulates him in that broken "Please, I just want to be accepted, really!" voice of his while Probby explains about why we viewers at home should buy one Envoy SUV for ourselves. I'm not a car person so I am not going to repeat what Probby says, only that he really should know all about gearsticks and knobs. Burtman, oblivious to the Curse of the Car where everyone in the history of this show that wins a car ends up losing the grand prize, talks about how he loves this Envoy as he loves camping and skiing and telling everybody about it until they flee to the broom closets and lock themselves in out of desperation.

Probby points out that there's a map in the car to take them to their actual destination, the old ruins of a 16th-century settlement that is not named on the show but it's actually called the Panamá Viejo. As Burtman drives and Jon lounges at the backseat, Jon confides to the camera that usually he will be bitterly jealous over anyone else winning the Envoy, but he feels that Burtman deserves to win this vehicle. He even says that it feels nice to come out and say and mean every word of what he has just said. To Burtman, Jon says that Burtman is the only person he likes on the show. Air bag, meet my vomit. Meanwhile, Burtman drives a little like a road maniac as some third-world Panamese kid looks on by.

Burtman narrates as the camera shows how they go through Panama City where Burtman describes a "large tower still standing" at the location they are heading towards. There, they find a large tent where a table filled with food awaits inside. "Food everywhere!" Burtman exclaims. They all begin to eat, as Burtman creatively explains how there is no first course and everyone eats everything at the same time. Last week Jon talks about eating for hours straight and this week he talks about eating for six hours straight. That freak doesn't do anything half-way, does he? They all have a good chuckle as Burtman calls this a good meal and Jon good company. Deranged, that's what he is. Jon laughs as he envisions the women back at camp eating the mussels they have collected while the men feast here. Burtman tells the camera that the "girls" can't catch fish so they can only at the mussels the men and Lil collected earlier during the day. He adds that the women have been riding at the men's coattails all this time. Obviously Mr Smart Aleck here is not aware of how some parasites often kill their hosts before moving on to the next host. If you know that you are dealing with parasites, you make sure that they don't do anything funny behind your back, and you certainly don't leave them behind to their own devices without your supervision.

Like clockwork, the show now shifts to the Bobo camp, where the women are lying on the shelter floor looking miserably at nothing in particular. However, a crucial development is taking place: Lil is telling Darrah and Sandra everything the men are plotting behind the two women's backs. "You don't know what they are saying, what they promised all of us," Lil says. Ah, a classic exchanging of notes scenario that, for some reason, never happens enough on this show. If Helen and Jan had this talk in Thailand, they could have slayed Porno and Bray. Sandra points out that "everyone was promised something different", which is wrong, as in this case, everyone of the women here is promised the same thing (Final Three). But I think Sandra gets the gist of the discussion nonetheless.

Lil says that she doesn't think that she can't trust the men and Darrah gives an unnecessary confession repeating what Lil just said. How sad - they have to let her speak to fill up the airtime now that they are down to five people, but Darrah still can't say anything memorable even to the camera. Sandra declares indignantly that she will not let Jon screw her over the third time. To the camera, she calls the men snakes and liars. Lil tells Darrah that she fought the men's decision to get rid of Darrah next because she feels that Sandra must go. How smart of her to say this in front of Sandra. To the camera, Lil says that "they pissed me off" because they break their words so easily. Why should she be angry? Is her morals offended, because the truth is, I don't see what Burtman and Jon are doing as wrong. But if Lil is angry, hey, what can I say? She's Lil.

Sandra asks the other women what they want to say to her. Do they want her to help them get the guys out of the game? They can tell her straight now that it's just them women around - they don't even have to drag her into the bush to talk. Heh. Lil sighs and says no matter what, she's resigned to being third place. Sandra, whether she genuinely wants to reassure Lil (as if) or wants to persuade Lil to confide in her, tells her that Lil is not bad for a fifty-year old, fifty-year old looking like eighty if you ask me. Lil reminds Sandra that the woman told Lil that no one wants to face Lil in the Final Two. Sandra reassures her that the women are not strong and Lil can stand a better chance to "move up" if she sticks with the women. Sandra, in her interview, rather unnecessarily repeats what she has told Lil. Darrah nods and chimes in a few words here and there in that accent that makes it hard for me to understand her completely. Since I am rushed for time to put this recap up, I'm not even going to spend time trying to decipher her words. From her short oral history on this show, I doubt she has anything of interest or significance to say anyway. I do catch her telling the women that one of the men must leave next, and if one wins Immunity, the other one will go. It will be the three of them to the end.

Sandra announces in her interview that she is feeling "so happy" at this latest development that can only benefit her. Now she has to hold off her plans of sabotage, she says with not a little regret, because she thinks that it's best she doesn't raise any commotion for the next few days. Heh heh heh. I'm starting to like her, actually. She's mean, but damn, she's feitsy.

The women punch fists. Lil lies back on the floor, looking up at the roof, a melancholic expression on her face. Strategizing even a little seems to drain everything out of her. I wonder sometimes what she is thinking to come on to this show in the first place.

Night has fallen and at the Panamá Viejo, the men have set up the back of the SUV very nicely and comfortably for some hot snuggling. Eeuw. Jon wonders whether they should be worried about what the women are up to back at Camp Bobo. Burtman shrugs, saying that whatever the women are up to, the men can easily sway one of them back to the Burthound Gang to make the difference. He doubts that the women have any strategy between them and he predicts that the men can easily squash their plans. Jon confides in his interview that they don't see a problem as they only need one women to sway and he is certain that the men have an "intellectual advantage" over the women. This man is demonstrating that sometimes it is possible for men to degenerate along the evolutionary timeline.

They tuck in to sleep at the back of the SUV. Burtman says that they have decided not to bring the SUV back so that the women will not hold the SUV against him. He is also convinced that Lil isn't comfortable with the men's plan to vote out Darrah, so maybe they will vote out Lil instead. "I can't stand her," he says outright about Lil. He suggests to Jon that Sandra can be used to replace Lil in their Final Three plan. Jon however seems to believe that Lil will be with them all the way as she will want to be in the Final Three. Remember, Jon thinks everyone is "greedy" He's right, of course, but his mistake is underestimating the "greed" of others and thinking that no one is as "greedy" as he. Burtman seems to accept this, saying that not one of the women has any decent strategy in the game and that the men have been running the show for the last twenty days. I love how Burtman takes credit for running the show in the nine days in between his first humiliating boot and his triumphant return to the game. Maybe he was telepathically channeling instructions to Jon during those days from Loser Lodge. Jon agrees with Burtman's feeling of gender superiority, saying that he and Burtman have played this game as perfectly as they could have. "Exactly!" Burtman replies. Burnetto dances with glee as he kisses the footages of this episode in the editing room, because Burtman and Jon are giving him enough material for them to hang themselves after humiliating themselves on TV. A script can't get any better than this.

The moon rises over the SUV and the camera focuses on a torch burning before the scene fades out.

Morning, day thirty-five, and monkeys are gathering on the trees to eat breakfast and scowl at the camera. Lil wipes her face wearily, looking like death warmed over and cooled down into tasteless porridge, muttering, "I don't know why God is putting me through this!" Yes, God, why did you force Lil to make that audition videotape to Burnetto and later force her to sign the contract to get on this show? The camera pans to Sandra and Darrah, and they don't look too good either.

Lil tells the camera that she doesn't know whether it is due to menopause or not, but she can't sleep, she feels numb all over, and she's also hurting all over. The camera obligingly focuses on her blistered feet. Back at Camp Bobo, she rests her head on Darrah's hand. Lil tells the other women that she needs rest. She tried to rest, she says, but her mind won't calm down. Sandra asks whether the thought of confronting Burtman is stressing Lil out. Lil says that she is worried about Burtman winning Immunity and Jon attacking them.

Then we see Lil, pantless again, hanging up the laundry to dry. The white panties are no longer white, and I really feel numb all over myself from the sight. Lil can channel menopause like a plague, so watch out, people. Sandra braids Darrah's hair and the two women watch Lil go about doing her laundry duty. Darrah tells Sandra that Lil stresses over every little thing. Sandra points out that they have to get rid of Burtman because Lil is very vulnerable and "one day is enough to turn anyone's head around".

Sandra and Lil are now walking along Liaison Beach. Sandra tells Lil that Jon will definitely come to her when he gets back to pry any details from her. Sandra will just pretend to agree to do everything he tells her to do. She will not betray the women, she reassures Lil. Sandra knows now that she must hold on to this alliance as her last hope. In her interview, she says that she is worried about Lil and what that woman may do, but she's determined to relax and not keep looking over her shoulder to check up on what Lil is doing. That, she says with a derisive sniff, is something Burtman will do. He will keep trying to keep track to see who is cooking, et cetera. This monologue must be one of the funniest confessions for this season. One has to listen to her to appreciate the full spectrum of disgust, derision, mockery, and feitsiness conveyed in such a short but cutting monologue. Sandra is pretty magnificent that way. To Lil, she says that she will keep her "game face" on all the time, whatever that "game face" is.

Oh look, there's the boat. The men are coming home. Lil and Darrah walk up to greet them. Along the way, Darrah asks Lil for reassurance and Lil whispers back that come hell or high water, she's not changing her mind. She's with Darrah and Sandra.

"I hope you guys have hang-overs!" Lil tells the men - the exact thing Burtman told her, Darrah, and Jon last week when the three came back from their spa adventure. But I guess the honeymoon between those two are now over.

Burtman says that as the women meet them, the first thing the women do is to bash Sandra. Lil tells the men that Sandra is all packed up and ready to go. Darrah says that Sandra doesn't even want to talk to any of them. The men charges straight to the shelter where Sandra is lying with blankets pulled up to her ears. "Sandra D, how are you doing?" Jon calls out. Sandra mutters something under her breath and pulls the sheets up higher. Burtman laughs and asks her if she's okay. She says she is. "All good in the hood?" Burtman presses in that cringe-inducing embarrassing way White people tend to come off as when they try to use slangs that don't come out naturally from their mouth. I mean, seriously, a White yuppie trade equity manager going "All good in the hood"? Oh puh-lease.

In his interview, Burtman suspects something is amiss. He says that the "girls" are "putting on quite an act", pouting and puffing.

Back at camp, Sandra, still on the floor, is declaring loudly that she doesn't see the point of working at camp when she's leaving tomorrow. "Why should I get water? I'd get bitten by mosquitoes," she snaps. At this, Lil stands up and announces that she is going to dip her foot in water and she'll be back later.

Burtman confides to the camera that he believes that the men will catch the women in their lies anyway as none of them are good actresses and they, as he reiterates, can't come up with a decent strategy between the three of them. I would agree that the women, maybe apart from Sandra, aren't good actresses, especially Lil as one can look at her and straight away detect the high-pitched nervous catch in her voice when she speaks.

As Lil cools her feet in the sea, Burtman asks her what she thinks is going on. Lil snaps that she has no idea. Burtman deliberately wonders aloud why the women haven't formed an all-girl alliance. Lil asks him in an irritated tone what he expects her to say. She points out that Sandra is fed up and she wants to go home.

At the same time as Burtman is grilling Lil, Jon is trying to work his magic on Sandra, just as Sandra predicted. Sandra asks him to get lost, saying that she's tired of all of them.

Lil tells Burtman that she wants to go home too to her normal life, her husband, and her "dirty house and flower garden".

Jon promises Sandra that Burtman and Jon will take her to the Final Three. Sandra looks up and asks him to swear on his grandmother. Jon swears, of course, and asks Sandra to tell him what the other women are up to.

Lil asks Burtman to swear on his grandma that she's with the men to the Final Three. He swears that yes, she's going with them.

Jon is still trying to get Sandra to believe him, swearing on his grandma until grandma, were she really dead, will probably turn zombie and her clawed hand will erupt from the cemetary ground just like those zombie movies because she can't probably rest easy with her grandson evoking her name in vain non-stop.

Burtman wants Lil to promise him that she will vote Darrah out with the rest of them. Lil says, somewhat evasively, that she will do what is best.

Jon asks Sandra to swear on her two kids that she will vote Darrah out with the rest of them. He wants her to take off the sheets so that, as Sandra says in her interview, he can catch her if she's crossing her fingers while she swears. Of course she swears, but Sandra says that in her head, she is actually thinking that she swears on her two kids that she going to screw Jon and Burtman over. Ouch!

It is now time for the Immunity Challenge. "Come on in, guys!" Probby says, cheerfully ignoring the fact that one can't "come on in" when one is at the seaside. As Probby retrieves the Mattel Sabre from Darrah, he comments, "Back to back it's been on your back." Probby is such a flop when it comes to hitting on women.

Today's challenge is Immunity Is Tailor-Made For Darrah, Part II. I don't know what Burnetto is doing, but if Darrah wins this show, he seems to be setting her up for accusations that this whole season is rigged to favor her. In this case, the Survivors have to cross the distance on a pier structure to retrieve a flag and bring the flag back to the starting point. However, to cross the distance, they must let down five sets of planks for them to walk on. Each plank is locked and the key is in the bottom of a narrow clear plastic tube beside the pillar the plank is locked to. The Survivors will have to fill a cainteen with water at the starting point and pour the water into the plastic tube so that the water will force the key to rise up. If you have small hands, you can pour in less water and shove your hand in to get the key.

And who has the smallest hands among the Bobos in this Challenge, just like who was the only one that is a documented gun-user in her CBS bio in last week's shooting Challenge? Burnetto seem to have some bizarre agenda to prove that you can keep quiet, don't do anything, and win Immunities tailor-made for you to win the million dollars. InVeeSible is bad enough, but if Darrah wins this show... well, Burnetto has better hope that she doesn't, because if she does, the whole "Outwit, Outlast, Outplay" philosophy of this show will turn into a joke.

After Probby gives the signal, the Survivors begin filling up their canteen. Darrah gets the first key, Probby pointing out that she has "small hands". She indeed leads the race all the way until she slips and falls into the sea after retrieving her second key and has to start all over again. Lil moves in first, until she has troubles releasing the third plank. This allows Darrah to easily move back in first, Jon second, and finally Lil. Where is Sandra, you ask? There she is, that sly vixen, deliberately and slowly filling her water canteen because she doesn't need Immunity as either way Darrah or Burtman or Jon, not her, will be leaving tomorrow. Finally Darrah wins the Mattel Sabre for the third time, to no one's surprise, malnourishment being the best key to winning Immunities on this show now, apparently. As usual, I missed the memo when they passed it around, drats.

Sandra smiles privately to herself while Burtman sighs. Darrah flashes her scary smile at someone as the triumphant music of victory plays. Only, of course, this is not triumph as much as Burnetto having an inexplicable fetish for a sullen pinch-faced Survivor. Maybe he likes the fact that he doesn't understand half the things that come from her mouth.

Day thirty-six. Three more days until the Grand Finale, gosh, can you believe that? A bug is caught in a web just above the surface of the water. Poor bug. Burtman whacks away at a log with the machete. Jon says to the camera that since Darrah wins Immunity again, the men decide to target Lil instead. He says that it's too bad but Lil has broken down, not doing any work, and not talking to anyone, and he isn't sure whether he can trust her anymore. Gee, the first sign of Helpless Dotty Lil having problems and everyone thinks she's an unstable time bomb. Poor Lil.

He walks to Lil who is at the seaside, going, "What's the word, T-bird?"

She snaps at him that she's tired, she's hurting, and she can't sleep. "So don't play tag-team on me!" she tells him off. Wow, that's a very un-Lil-like response. Tag-team? Who would've thought?

Jon runs to Burtman like a baby that's just been scolded by Momma now wanting Daddy to tell him that someone still loves Idiot Jonny Fairplay. Burtman assures him that Lil is a basket case that sleeps around an hour each day. It is not as if Lil is annoyed because she is personally repulsed by Jon or anything, I'm sure. Burtman pronounces Lil a disaster and says that they have to get rid of her or... or... Gee, I can't think of anything Lil will do to these Bobos, and I don't know whether to feel disappointed that Lil is such a helpless creature or to feel reassured about humanity still thriving - albeit ineptly - on this show. Or something. Burtman confides to the camera that he gets nervous by Lil's increasingly close relationship to Darrah. He feels that it is best to now get Sandra to vote with them to get rid of Lil.

So off he goes to talk to Sandra. Jon is there too, and all three of them stand in the clearing to talk. Sandra says that she doesn't care about Lil or Darrah. She says that Darrah, "that chick", is winning everything but all she talks about is chocolate chip cookies. (And how Daddy is buying Darrah a boob job for Christmas, if Cokecasta's post-boot chats are to be believed.) Sandra also expresses dislike of Lil, saying that she is too nice to face off in the Final Two. If Sandra can get another three days by voting out Lil with the rest of them, she will. Burtman, in his interview, arrogantly says that of course Sandra will go along with them - it's a "cut and dried" (huh?) situation and she has to go along if she wants to avoid elimination.

It is worth nothing that during the entire conversation, Sandra's eyes are flitting nervously all over the place to look on everywhere but at Jon and Burtman. One look at her and it will be obvious that she's not telling the whole truth. But the men are too arrogant in their underestimating the women to notice. They think they can just tell the women what to do and the women will blindly obey because these women are supposedly too dumb to help themselves.

Burtman and Jon are now barbecuing some fish while Sandra and Darrah feast on those already done. Lil lies on a hammock, looking sick and past caring. I hope they check on her once in a while in case she doesn't... you know. Apparently it's a done deal between the four of them - Lil is leaving tonight.

Jon delivers a classic speech in his interview that will no doubt go down as some of the stupidest things ever said on a show that will come back and bite him big time in the behind. As the others get ready to leave for Tribal Council (Lil even puts on the Scoutmistress hat, although the hat is conspicuously missing when she walks into the Tribal Council later on), he says that the women don't share a whole brain, or otherwise they would understand that they can get together and get rid of the guys. Jon adds that the women haven't done anything for women's rights and he feels that they are better off cooking or mopping floors. Our self-appointed Guardian of the Feminist Movement pronounces the women "foolish" and suggests that they deserve every short stick Burtman and Jon will shove at them. Somehow "short sticks" and those men fit in the same sentence very well indeed.

Night falls, and Tribal Council is commencing. In walks Ryan O, Hagrid (how many of that T-shirt did he pack in his suitcase?), T&A, and then, walking in a hunched manner, Cokecasta. The latter and Sandra exchange a smile.

Probby then begins the chit-chat, again reminding people that the Immunity Challenge is rigged by commenting that Darrah's "losing a lot of weight" worked to her advantage at the Immunity Challenge. Darrah says that her losing weight almost kills her as she has no energy left for anything. Sandra cuts in maybe a little too showily that Darrah can't even talk to them as she has no more energy. I mean, come on, Darrah and Lil said that Sandra wouldn't talk to them and now she says that Darrah can't talk to her? Talk about inconsistencies in one's lies. Probby tries to bring up Girl Power by stating that three of the Final Five are women. Jon agrees, he calls Lil the strongest women, says that Sandra is tough, and commends Darrah for winning three Immunities in a row. Lil says that between Probby, her, and God, she doesn't expect to last thirty-six days (technically, she lasted twenty-seven days, but who's counting, eh?) but she will find the energy to last three more days. Then, catching herself, she hastens to add that if the tribe wants her to stay, of course.

Jon says that he dislikes Tribal Councils because there are always nasty surprises and he hates to be at the receiving end of one. Burtman says that he doesn't like it, but blindsiding someone at Tribal Council is the only sure way to avoid receiving one yourself. "It's a double-edged sword," he concludes.

Darrah is keeping her Mattel Sabre.

"Let's find out which way the sword will cut tonight," Probby says, ooh, that evil man, "it's time to vote."

Burtman - Lil. "Lill, you broke our alliance and you're not someone I want to go up against in the Final Two so your time has come." Yes, expect a big rant from me later on about this man's hypocrasy.

Darrah - Burtman. Sandra - Burtman.

Jon - Lil. "I'm hardcore! I'm hardcore! I'm hardcore! You're nice. Have a nice day." Only three more hours of him and then I will never have to see or hear him again. I can take three more hours. I can be strong.

Lil, looking really pained, Burtman. But she manages to spell his name correctly.

Probby now tallies the votes. He calls out the names on the vote sheets. Lil. Lil looks pensive. Lil. Burtman. Burtman's brows dip, the next best thing to unibrow hell. Burtman. Jon looks at Burtman in horror. Twelfth person voted out - Burtman. Lil relaxes. Darrah turns and smiles at the other two women and Sandra practically beams with joy. And look, in the Jury, Ryan O is all smiles and Hagrid and Cokecasta tap their fists (Hagrid no doubt will have some amazing twist to tell about how he somehow manages to get Burtman ousted) in glee. I foresee someone getting beaten up tonight at Loser Lodge, heh heh heh.

As Burtman leaves after accepting his award for being the first Survivor loser to be booted twice in one season, Probby studies the remaining four Bobos, proclaims them the new masters of the blind side, but reminds them that while it's obvious that three of them are in an alliance tonight, nobody wants to settle for third. He then dismisses them.

Next week: finale!

Burtman's final words: he hopes Jon wins and he wonders how Lil can sleep at night knowing that she broke their alliance that was "as big as Texas". Excuse me? Who broke whose alliance? Now, post-boot interviews have him saying that Darrah told him before he and Jon left for Panama City that Lil are approaching the other two women for an alternative alliance. Suppose that this does happen and that Burnetto deliberately switched the chronology so that he shows the women's plotting after the men's braggings, just to make the show more enjoyable on the viewer's part. Suppose this does happen, why is Burtman so bitter? Doesn't he himself say that an alliance is useful as long as it is mutually beneficial to both parties? He has done his share of breaking the alliances as well: he wants Sandra to replace Lil in his grandiose Final Three plans and he plays an active part in recruiting Sandra into his alliance. And of course, he wrote Lil's name down on the paper. So it doesn't matter who breaks whose alliance first. The fact here is that Burtman has no right to be bitter at something he himself did as much as Lil. Apparently Burtman's idea of "blind side" and "alliances" only apply as long as he's on the winning side. What a tool. The fact that he got blindsided thanks to Lil, the dotty old coot who has three alpha males eliminated thanks to them underestimating her really foolishly, is icing on the delicious irony cake.

And Darrah. Why doesn't Burnetto show us her telling Burtman about the women's alliance, if that really happens? That will at least show me that the woman is doing something on this show to win instead of just lying down there, piggy backing on everybody, and winning Immunities by default or by the nature of the Challenges heavily favoring her in one way or the other. Telling Burtman is a brilliant move, as we have seen: it makes the egomaniacal Burtman focus his wrath on Lil instead of Darrah should Lil and Darrah square off in the Final Two.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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