SURVIVOR

Pearl Islands Episode 3: United We Stand, Divided We...?

Without much ado, camera pans on the scenic canopies of the deceptively peaceful-looking Pearl Islands as Jeff Proboscis goes "Previously..." Blah blah blah Morgons biggest losers ever yadda yadda - what on earth? Did Probby call the Morgons the "underdogs"? That's a vicious insult to dogs everywhere and a complete mockery of the concept of underdogginess. The Morgons aren't underdogs as much as they are slugs that deserve to be eliminated one by one until there are only the Quacks left.

Morning - day seven. Crabs scurry over the beach as the waves hit the sands, but the biggest crabs on the island are at Camp Morgon. Except Scoutmarm Lil, who isn't a crab as much as a poor soul lost and isolated from the rest of her tribe because she's not young enough to hang on to a horndog for protection against Dar Morgon Feuhrer. She walks along the beach like a lost soul, dragging what seems like a tree bark or something to draw a line along the sand. The rest of the Morgons sit around the fire, looking at each other like zoned out zombies and wondering why they are still so sad and blue now that Nerd&Shoulders are gone. After all, everything is that skinny ugly uncool nerd's fault, isn't it? But now that he's gone, why isn't the sun shining, why isn't it warm and nice again, damn it, why aren't they cool and popular? They stare at Scoutmarm Lil. Must be that bitch's fault, of course! Old people are so yucky. They must get rid of her, and then everything will be alright in Morgon. This is the only thing to do, right?

Dar Morgon Feuhrer tells the camera that the Morgons are now down to six people. He finds himself looking for two more tribemates, however, no doubt seeking to blame these invisible twosome for the Morgon's troubles. He says that morale of the tribe is low. He says that they need a victory to cheer everybody up. Oh please, Andy, not even ritual sacrifice will help any of you recover your dignity. Just swallow a coconut whole already!

Back to Scoutmarm Lil. She sits down alone on the beach and closes her eyes in prayer. She says that she is praying for strength for herself. She is also praying for her husband, her troop back home, and - here she sobs a little - her "new friend" Nerd&Shoulders. She tells the camera that last night she voted for Osten Powers because Osten just quitted. Camera pans to Osten, lying on the floor of the shelter like a giant steaming pile of babboon turd. Lil adds that she knows her time is up, but she hopes that by working hard around the camp, she will hopefully at least outlast Darrah, who is right now doing a good imitations of the stiffs she uses to embalm back home. Now, I'm not the usual person that insists on work principles and likeability being the sole criteria of a sole Survivor, but in this case, I really feel for Lil. She's far from the worst contestant on this show, and while I understand if there are better contestants in the tribe that makes her useless to the tribe, in this case we have a tribe of whiners and quitters not even giving this lady a chance to fit in. Oh, Lil, you should have been in Quack and Jon Fairplay should have been in Morgon.

Lil talks to the Feuhrer. The Feuhrer asks Lil whether Lil thinks that Darrah is useful to the Morgons. Lil, in her usual passive-aggressive way that does herself no favor at all, merely says that Darrah weighs a hundred and two pounds. Expecting this tribe to join the dots is a futile waste of time, so Lil should have come forth and tell the Feuhrer her case for remaining on Morgon. Lil reminds the Feuhrer that Osten quitted. Camera pans on Osten just sitting at the shelter and staring vacantly into space. The Feuhrer who has a fetish for young muscular flesh tells Lil that there's a big difference between "quitting" and "pulling the trigger", that is Osten didn't quit, he just said he quitted. I blink at this very sad attempt at lawyer logic. No, I still don't get it. The Feuhrer says in an interview that Osten is very important to the tribe because this man who has done nothing for the tribe is Very Physical and hence Very Valuable. Meanwhile, Osten the Physically Valuable says that he has talked to God and God tells him not to quit, so now he's going to use the sorry state of the Morgons as a motivation to go on. Sure, he misses cheeseburgers, blah blah blah, but he's staying because God Says So. I tell you, God cares way too much about this show. He should pay more attention, because his negligence has allowed Ahnuld to become Governor of California. Obviously America has learned nothing from the mess all those vainglory film stars turned politicians caused in India and the Philippines.

Now the Feuhrer is talking to Tijuana. He's taken to calling Osten "OT". Osten is "OT" (Ostentiously Terrible, perhaps) and Ryan O is "Rhino". They should leave the nicknames to me the next time around. Anyway, the Feuhrer tells Tijuana that the Morgons must get "OT" all "fired up" for the next challenge. I hope he is not suggesting that Tijuana fires up Osten in you-know-what way. I guess that despite the Feuhrer's telling Lil that Osten is still enthusiastic about the game, he is actually far from confident. Camera pans to Osten, his undies sagging so that one can see the entire buttcheek from the side, and I think there must be some Deep Meaningful Message to be absorbed from this scene. Maybe something like Whiny Quitters Wear Saggy Underpants. I don't know. I'm too fatigued by digust at the whole tribe to care, and it's not ten minutes into the show. Ooh-boy.

To the camera, the Feuhrer says that each tribe member must "check his mental infirmities at the door". If that is the case, the Feuhrer must have taken the mental infirmity box and eat everything in it. He says that tribe members must "suck it up". No, I don't know if "it" refers to his ego or his weenie. How amusing that he has no patience with Nerd&Shoulders and Scoutmarm Lil but he will make a million excuses for that whiney turd Osten. In fact, there is a misty glaze taking over Feuhrer's eyes as he now waxes lyrical over Osten's personality, one that only the Feuhrer can see. He vows to help Osten become that "awesome, larger-than-life individual he was when he set foot on this beach". Yep, I guess the Feuhrer is more than ready to suck it up. Get in position, Osten!

How do I go about getting a tidal wave to sweep all traces of the Morgons away to the sea? Along the way, I want the Feuhrer to hit his head several times against some rocks while he's being flung by the waves to the sea.

Happy tune signals that we are now moving on to Tribe Quack, where everyday is sunny, or so it seems, a lesson learned the hard way by the Rothunk tribe in Marquesas when the Maramoomoos finally stop sucking after a mercy switch by Burnetto and the Rothunks have to eliminate the most idealistic of them all, the idiot Moppet. If there is a sky message saying "too good to be true", well, it is.

If the Morgons are boring in a kill-me-now-oh-God way, the Quacks are boring in an oh-please-this-is-sickening way. Why? They have all decided to go hunt for the treasure buried on the island even when they are equipped with only one third of the map. Hagrid wants some rum. If it's strong enough, give me one too. Burtman, ever the intellectual, says that the map piece talks about being at the right time at the correct spot, and he deduces that this means the treasure is buried in a place where they will have to find when the tide is low. Because, as he says, time affects only tide on this island. I think these people must be particularly imbecilic creatures from Planet Moron. Enlightened by Burtman, the Quacks decide to take a boat at low tide to... um, look at the treasure, I guess, although how they will do this is beyond me. Trish, in a valiant attempt to inject some personality in herself, says that she really wants to find the treasure as she suspects that it may be warm clothes or junk food. Boy, will she cry when it turns out to be a product-placement junk, like maybe a stash of iced Coke, which will be fun to drink when the night is icy cold. Shawn stands up, chest puffed up, surveying the vast expanse of sand and rocks, no doubt thinking that if he digs up every corner for the next, say, fifty years, he will finally find the coveted Mars bar buried somewhere in the bungholes of the beach.

Then the tribe - minus Cokecasta and Jon Fairplay, who knows what they are up to - begin digging nilly-willy. Hagrid, holding up what seems like a silver shallow bowl filled with fruits or something, grumbles that the Quacks set up on this treasure hunt "half-cocked". He says that pirates are not idiots. Hagrid, hon, I know you love to be a pirate, but let me tell you a secret: you are not a pirate. None of you are pirates. Then the Quacks, empty handed as expected, decide to row back to their camp, with Shawn's parting words saying that he wants the remaining pieces of the map now. And then I write a strongly-worded letter to Mark Burnetto: "Dear Burnie, picking scabs from the bottom of a diseased babboon is more rivetting that your latest season of Survivor..."

The Feuhrer and Tijuana find chest-mail. Tijuana is happy. "Tree-mail!" she shrieks, ignoring the fact that there is no tree involved and the mail is more like bad poetry from hell. The badly worded poem suggests that the prize will be something nice and comfy for sleeping. Ryan O is hopeful that they will win blankets. That way, he can snuggle up to Darrah and he will have pillows and blankets at one go. Tijuana wants food. Osten complains that he is cold. Shut up, bitch.

At the Quack camp, there is a heated discussion on who to sit out on the Reward Challenge. Obviously they have nothing better to talk about. Jon Fairplay says that if the challenge is physical, he will sit out, but if the challenge isn't, he won't. At least someone appreciates his own intellect, because I sure as hell cannot see it at all. Then he announces that if the challenge involves swimming, Big Sandra should sit out. Actually, she did sit out on the last challenge, so she cannot sit out this time. Big Sandra, who must be really bored to bite the bait, announces that she's a better swimmer than he. She reminds him that on their first day swim to that fishing settlement, she was already on the beach while he was still floundering in the water. Both of them start shouting and yelling as the other tribe members watch while lazily lying on their backs on the shelter floor. Burtman smiles and breaks a twig over his knee - ooh, macho - as he watches Jon Fairplay starts using expletives to drown out Big Sandra. Finally, he throws up his hands like a Miss Thang and walks away from the scene. To the camera, he smirks and says that he walks away because Big Sandra is a "foolish" woman that can sit and argue with him all day long. "Screw Jon - he's an ass," Big Sandra says in her own interview. Back to Jon's interview: he says that he has a million dollars here saying that Big Sandra will not be in the Final Four, much less the Sole Survivor. Apparently Jon believes himself to be in an alliance that is going all the way. If that alliance also consists of Burtman, Shawn, and Michelle, this will be the most Hateful Alliance ever since... well, the Himbo Haute and Tijuana. I continue my letter to Burnetto: "Your attempts at portraying conflicts this season reek of rotten garlic and stale ideas."

Jeff Proboscis is waiting for them at the beach. This challenge is simple: the tribes will get into two boats each. Each boat has three plugs at each side. These plugs can be removed using long hooks given to each Survivor. Survivors must now sink the boats of the opposing tribe. The hooks can also be used to push the enemy's boat down or to hold it in place. I'm sure one can also use the hooks to gouge out one's eyes or to slit an enemy from ear to ear, just like real pirates, eh, Hagrid? The insurance people, I'm sure, put a stop to the really fun stuff. The boats also have a bucket each, to take out water or to pour water in the enemy's boat. The tribe that sinks the opposing tribe's boats win a pile of eight pillows and eight blankets, a piece of the treasure map, and the wonderful opportunity to loot one item from the other tribe. He asks Quack who will be sitting out. The Quacks all look at each other until Jon Fairplay stands up - chicken, chicken, pok-pok-pok! - and Michelle hesitantly follows.

Then it's fighting time!

Osten, the Shining Glory of Morgons, actually almost unplugs his own boat twice, I think, maybe more. The scene is quite chaotic. I am amused at how Osten also almost falls out of his boat the moment the skirmish starts, and it is funny how he and Scoutmarm Lil actually cause the boat to almost capsize by putting their weight too much on one side. Finally, the Osten Love Boat flee the scene, leaving the two Quacky Boats to ambush the Feuhrer Herr Loveboat from both sides. "OT, help!" the Feuhrer yells as he, Ryan O, and Darrah are attacked from both sides. Osten the Hero finally gets the boat moving, but by then the Feuhrer Boat is drinking water at the bottom of the sea. Not because Hagrid finally manages to push the boat down into the water as he is trying all this while, but because the Feuhrer panics, jumps aside, knocks into Ryan O, and the combined weight of two men at one end of the already unstable boat send the boat - and Darrah - toppling over its side. The two Quacky Boats then eagerly turn to welcome the Osten Love Boat, and you can guess what happens next.

Michelle claps and cheers from where she is standing at a pier structure watching the skirmish with Jon Fairplay. Jon goes wild. He hoots and waves his hands as if he's going to fly. Cokecasta will be so angry when she finds out that Jon has been sticking his nose into her stash. Meanwhile, everyone climbs out of the water to stand around Probby. Nice wet bulge there, Feuhrer. Ryan O has stitched a green patch on his torn shorts, but not the spot where his lil' weenie made a special guest appearance last week. Let's hope we'll see Lil' Weenie O again soon.

Thanks to the stupidity of Herr Feuhrer and Osten Powers, the Quacks have victory handed to them. Jon Fairplay backflips and leaps into the water. Trish roars a victory cry and apparently the editors are so impressed, they slow-mo this scene so that Trish is roaring for what seems like two minutes. And they like it so much, they then show the whole thing again. My letter to Burnie continues: "Burnie, screaming women will not save this show, so give it up already!"

Night falls over Camp Morgon. Who needs zombies around when we have the Morgons? (And besides, brain-eating zombies will have no use for the Morgons at all.) Wet clothes are hanged near the fire and it's time for the Feuhrer's postmortem whine and dine session once more. The Feuhrer expresses his despair that the Morgons are at an "all time low" and how morale is low. It is especially depressing that they fail to get the pillows because they have no proper sleep! (And no shelter, no clue, no chance, no hope, and no friends.) And then he says that sleeping is the only thing they complain about so far. Gosh, Andy, you are right about that hallucinating thing! I must have hallucinated about Mighty Osten Powers whining about the cold and all!

Stupid lil' Tijuana looks up adoringly at our Fearless Feuhrer and asks him why the Morgons suck so badly at challenges. The Feuhrer says that the Morgons lost because some guys at the Quacks are stronger than some guys at the Morgons. See? He's still blaming everybody else for Morgon's failures because the Morgons are Really Super Powerful and the rest of the world just sucks because they cannot appreciate it! He pacifies Tijuana's doubts by saying that Hagrid is Really Powerful, that's why Morgon lost. I know. If the Morgons have Hagrid, life is peachy, just like how if I have a zillion dollars, life is fruity-tutty wonderful. But I don't, and I live with it. So suck it up, Andy, and quit whining because a crybaby ambulance-chaser makes my eardrums bleed.

Then, in his interview, the Feuhrer sighs and says that the Morgons lost because nobody believes in himself or herself anymore. He laments the fact that Osten, especially, is no longer the man Andy fell in boylust with and... and... "Dear Burnie, consider the attached earlobes of mine, which I tore from the sides of my head in a desperate attempt to stop the pain - consider this a divorce, you son of a dog!"

Everyone is now lying or sitting around the fire. Osten says that all they need is a break and they will win. Yeah, break you in two, you whiney turdball, you are just disgusting. Scoutmarm Lil chirps up that the Morgons are actually doing just fine. Yeah, the house is burning down around them, everyone is slowly being barbecued, but listen to Lil - everything's okay because, er, just because, I guess. She says that they need to go fishing some more. I can just picture the rest of them, all dark and gloomy, gritting their teeth as Batty Miss Sunshine here tells them that everything is okay as long as they go fish in the morning. Personally, I will happily vote to evict her right there on the spot if I were a Morgon. I think someone needs to be sedated so that she can sleep before she goes completely senile. No, I'm not talking about me, I'm talking about Lil. Although I am currently in pain watching this lot of useless people, so the confusion is understandable.

Morning, day eight. Still at Camp Morgon. Help, get me out of here, somebody!

Sure enough, Lil goes fishing alone. Back at Camp, Darrah lies down and Ryan O looks down at her and says that if she works for him, he will have to fire her lazy ass. Is this some sort of flirting? It's horrible to watch, because the absolute flatness of the scene is reminiscent of two rotten onions bumping against each other in the dark. Then again, we are talking about Ryan O, a guy that has what seems like two hundred jobs by the time he's thirty. We are talking about Darrah who spends more time with dead stiffs than live ones. It's like a Foreplay For Necrophiliacs, Volume One thing. Ryan O says that Lil shouldn't go off like that because she's being a "separatist" (ooh, someone read a big word in the newspaper today) and she's not displaying any team spirit. I guess if Lil shares the fun and flirts with Darrah, Ryan O will be so much happier. Can someone just take these whole bunch of freaks off my TV please? Now?

Lil talks as she fishes. She's fed up with eating sand and rice, Morgon's specialty, and she will fish alone if everyone else will rather sleep and laze around and whine about how they are losing because the whole world is against the Mighty Morgons. Creepy Jaws music comes as suddenly - oops! Lil says that she has lost the bait and the hook - the fish has bitten the whole thing off. Oh dear. A blowfish has stolen the hook and now the tribe is down to just one more fishing hook. She says she's a goner. Knowing how she has given the Morgons an easy target to vent their poisonous frustrations on, I am unfortunately inclined to agree. As it is, she tells the rest that she has not only caught zero fish but she has lost the hook. Everyone looks shocked. The Feuhrer nastily says that either she can't tie the knot properly or the line has broken, and snidely says that the line is still intact, hence silently accusing Lil of being an inept knotter. As opposed to Osten being an inept rower, which is okay, or an acute quitter, which is fine, or a hopeless rotter, which is understandable because Feuhrer is all about man fetish.

Ryan O and Osten chime in on the whinefest. Ryan O says that Lil should have waited for him to join her. Oh yeah, Wee Lil' One, what would you have done if Lil lost her bait? Use your stumpy dick for bait? God, these people! They sit around and do nothing, and then chime in on the "I could have done better!" bitchfest while they pass the blame around on the person that actually tried to do something. Lil says in her interview that she was just trying to "shine a bit" before facing the execution in the next Tribal Council. I am aware that Lil is not the smartest Survivor around, but these useless vultures that are her tribemates are just ridiculous in giving her so much crap when they have contributed much more to the downward spiral of the Morgons.

A timely change of scenery to the Quacks before I burst a blood vessel while trying to throw the TV out the window. They have now two pieces of the treasure map, and now they are even more excited. Burnetto, if you show me another futile treasure hunt, I will come over and make you eat my shoe. Jon Fairplay, who claims to be a smart guy, wants to go treasure hunting again. Burtman, who has his uses however little, tells him that the Quacks have better things to do. Jon says that the Quacks have done everything already! Oh, quit whining, Jon. Burtman isn't interested in rubbing manboobs with you. Get the hint and suck on your heel or something. Cokecasta, overhearing, reminds him that they should decide on what to take from the Morgon camp today. Take any one of them and gag that twit, that's all I ask. Since Cokecasta brings up the matter, the Quacks decide to send her over to loot. Big Sandra tells them that the Morgons has what seems like only one water pot. Let's take it!

Wait, Cokecasta and Hagrid are not sure whether they should take the pot. Burtman says why not - the Morgons can take it back the next time and the Quacks don't have to worry about losing anything of theirs. Okay, who whispered this bright idea to that musclebound lunkhead? I doubt he came up with that one by himself. Cokecasta worries that should they take the pot, the Morgons will all die. "We're taking their lives!" she says dramatically, unaware of my wild shriek of "Take it! Take that damn pot NOW!" Hagrid finally gives the last word: he doesn't feel guilty because pirates plunder and he's a pirate. I don't think I like him anymore. In fact, I think he's slowly becoming mad. Harry Potter, take him back to Hogwart before he goes completely demented and starts sticking burning matches in his beard or something.

At the Morgon vilehole, Ryan O is making a fishing net when Cokecasta makes her way to steal the pot (heh heh heh). Ryan O says that he's turning into MacGyver to survive. Well, MacGyver would have built a condo by now, so maybe Ryan O is more like MacGyver's slow-witted brother. But at least he's doing something other than yapping and whining and sucking heels, so that's okay, I guess. The Feuhrer suggests that they hide this net by bunching it up and hiding it in their boat. I propose we stuff it into his mouth instead. Of course, they never listen to me.

And why is the Feuhrer wearing his suit jacket over his bare torso and ugly red shorts? Doesn't anyone tell him that he looks pathetic instead of important? Why do I even ask these questions? Pass me the bucket and just let me heave already.

As Cokecasta's shadow looms over the Morgons, the Feuhrer whines that someone is coming to take the Morgons' one of their "prized possessions" away. And that will be... what, exactly? (I love the sounds of crickets chirping.) It must be the water canteens, or at least to Tijuana, who hopes that they won't take a canteen away. The Feuhrer assures her that this interloper can't take all their canteens, so it's still okay. Besides, it's all Lil's fault! Ryan O hopes that the Quacks will overlook the silver pot. It looks like Big Sandra is wrong - the Morgons have two pots, not one. Damn. Still, he says that he hopes the fire will have made the big silver pot so hot that the looter will burn his fingers while trying to take it. Why didn't he just then the pot and shove it up his ass is beyond me. I mean, if he wants to make life difficult for Cokecasta, let's ask her to stick her hand up Ryan O's ass. That is, if she can tell the difference between Ryan O's mouth and ass. I understand that sometimes people get the poor man's nose and penis mixed-up.

Here comes Cokie! Tijuana snorts and calls Cokecasta "the blonde chick" in a nasty way. But that fake bitch immediately puts on the fakest smile ever as she embraces Cokecasta and says through a constipated expression, "Congratulations again". Cokecasta, happy to meet a pharmaceutical salesperson, is all smiles and even relief when she notices that the Morgons have two pots. She tries to tell the Morgons that the pillow and blanket prize was no big deal, saying that nobody can fit on the pillow anyway. I don't think one is supposed to fit on a pillow, but let's not tax Cokecasta's mental faculties too much or she will be screaming for Betty Ford. The Feuhrer tries to be charming by saying that he sleeps on his rolled-up buff. Good thing I'm not the incontinent type or I will have to change my pants there and then. Darrah looks pinched. Then again, she always looked pinched anyway. If you have access to Survivor Insider, you will be fortunate to listen to an amazing six and a half minutes - six and a half minutes! - shrill litany of complains from her, all spoken in that thick half-Earth half-alien accent of hers. Darrah is not a happy woman.

Cokecasta, happy that she can swipe the big silver pot without having to fear that the Morgons will die of dehydration (her own words), tells the others about her bug bites and acts like a giddy idiot (or is she really acting?) when the Feuhrer tries to pump her for information. He's very subtle - I mean, even Cokecasta catches on fast when he demands to know who the Quack leader is and who the Quacks will vote out first. Cokecasta says in that tee-hee-hee way that she finds it sooooo hard to resist the Feuhrer. I look at Feuhrer and his dirty suit jacket over his sand-covered werewolf chest and I have only one thing to add in my letter to Burnetto: "Your PSA about how kiddies should never do drugs is A+ though. I prefer subtlety, but your method in this context is devastatingly effective."

When Cokecasta has left, the Morgons begin unsheathing their claws. Osten calls Cokecasta a phony, saying that her "Big Bird type personality" is a fake and that she is lying when she says she doesn't know understand. Wow, that's a really insightful observation. Who would've thought that Osten is an expert in recognizing fakes? It takes one to know one, I guess.

The Feuhrer just cannot resist, can he? Now he is saying that the Morgons are in an advantageous position compared to the Quacks because the Quacks have not experienced the defeat the Morgons have. Apparently the Feuhrer believes that having plentiful of sleep and fuelled by the euphoria of previous victories all lead to defeat. No wonder the Morgons are sucking so badly. It's a Winning Strategy, y'all! When they are near-death from hunger, watch them cross the finishing line first!

Day nine. Time passes slowly when you're watching stupid people behaving badly. Happy music comes on to taunt the Morgons as Scoutmarm Lil removes a flag from the chest mail thingie. Ryan O gapes at the pirate insignia on the map. The writing on the flag talks about choosing the strongest of strength and strongest of will. Osten is chosen as the strongest and Darrah is the most strong-willed. As the Feuhrer says, Osten is not strong mentally. And I have a feeling that by the end the season ends, I will be reduced to a mental nutcase myself.

Darrah preens because she likes being considered the weakest of the tribe. She opens her mouth and I continue in my letter to Burnetto: "Getting martians with indecipherable accents will not save your show." Seriously, half the time I have no idea what this woman is speaking. Imagine C Girl from Amazon slurring ten times more slowly and eighty times more annoying. I pressed my ear to the TV screen as I replay her conversation a few times, and in the end, I figure out that she is saying that Tribal Council sucks and the Morgons have six Survivors to the Quacks' eight. I have wasted five minutes of my life deciphering Stupidspeak. Ugh, I hate this show.

The Feuhrer concludes that if the Morgons go to another Tribal Council, they are all "finished". I wish.

We're back at the beach as Probby greets them. The Feuhrer is still wearing that stupid black suit jacket. I hope it drags him down the sea and causes him to eat seaweed fresh from the source. Today's Challenge suggests that pirates of yore love to play stupid tug-of-war games. The weakest Survivor from each tribe is dangled on a harness hanging from a wooden tripod in the sea, and the remaining five Survivors will hold on to the rope hoisting this Survivor aloft. Every five minutes, the person in front will have to let go of the rope. In the end, the strongest Survivor - at the back of the line - will have to be the sole person holding the weak Survivor aloft. Winning tribe is the one that holds the person up the longest.

The arrangement for each tribe is as follows: Quacks - Hagrid (strongest) at the back, then Shawn Muggwitt, Cokecasta, Big Sandra, and at the front is Jon Fairplay, while Michelle is the weakest Survivor; Morgons - Osten (strongest), Ryan O, the Feuhrer, Tijuana, and at the front is Scoutmarm Lil, with Darrah dangling from the harness. Burtman and Trish sit out for the Quacks.

Tick, tick, tick. Lil and Jon let go. Tick, tick, tick. Big Sandra says she can hold on for six more minutes, but she and Tijuana let go after their five minutes is up. Darrah scowls as she moves her legs to ease the cramp a little. Michelle, all zenned up, makes herself comfortable. Cokecasta and the Feuhrer let go. Ryan O and Shawn have to go too. Finally, it's down to Hagrid versus Osten. Quick, you have five seconds to guess the winner. Hagrid turns to wink and grin in a deliberately intimidating manner at Osten that the latter turdball struggles to hold Darrah aloft. He grunts. Probby lets the time lapse. One hour five minutes. Probby wonders whether the women on the harnesses will want to quit. One hour thirty minutes. Probby demands that Hagrid and Osten now stand up on their feet and stop using a fence structure in front of them for support. Hagrid uses his midsection for balance - or so Probby says. No, I don't know what he's talking about. I think he's hoping that his inane chatter will drive either Osten and Hagrid mad that they will let go of the rope and choke him to death - ha, ha, tricked ya, you lost Immunity, et cetera. Two hours. Then Osten closes his eyes and lets go of the rope. Darrah splashes into the water as Scoutmarm Lil gasps audibly. Hagrid lets go a second later.

The Quacks are too tired to gloat and cheer, except for Hagrid. That one gives a loud roar and slurps face with poor Bruce the Immunity Idol. The Morgons look shocked that their strongest man has let them down again. After four challenges in a row, you'd think they get the idea by now. Still, I must grudgingly admit that this time, the Morgons at least pull their weight - heh - in this challenge. Not that it matters. Another rat will be expelled from the sinking ship this evening.

The Morgons slink back to their camp in an obviously staged "six side by side, Magnificent Six style" that only drives home how pathetic these losers are, where the Feuhrer says that there is nothing they could have done to prevent their loss this time. Meaning, of course, that it's all Hagrid's fault that the world can't see what wonderful people the Morgons are. Die Feuhrer Die praises Osten for lasting as long as he did in holding Darrah up. Osten says that he feels the "weight of the world" on his shoulders today but he has no energy to carry it. Oh dear, it must so hard on you, Osten. Lie down and stop breathing, thanks. Tijuana says that it is "disheartening" to lose and just hopes that the person leaving is not her.

Tijuana, Ryan O, Osten, and the Feuhrer - four pieces of dung if you will - sit in a pow-wow, Swines With Bloated Sense Of Self Entitlement that will give poor Orwell an aneurysm, and decide on who they will evict. Tijuana says that she admires Lil's hardworking nature. As she should. But the Feuhrer says that there is nothing Lil can't do that Darrah can't do as well. Translation: Lil must go because she is a woman of mature sensibilities. Osten pooh-poohs Lil, saying that everybody here can light a fire and everybody here can carry water. Which is correct, as his constant whining about the cold proves. In an interview, the Feuhrer says that "Rhino, OT, T, and myself" have an alliance. Ladies and gentlemen, witness how sad it is when a sad little man tries to be hip and fails miserably like a pregnant elephant trying to do the ballet. And what's with that tee-tee-tee crap? May I suggest a better moniker of "Little Weenie, Big Crybaby, Shrill Basheeba, and Sad Lil' Feuhrer"? Then these weenies proceed to evaluate the intelligence of Lil and Darrah, with the Feuhrer questioning those two's ability to "think outside the box", and I have to bite on my hand to stop myself from driving my fist through the TV screen.

The Feuhrer concludes that Darrah thinks inside the box. It must be a very small box. He thinks that Scoutmarm Lil works hard, but he also believes that Darrah is more useful at challenges, using the recent challenge as an example. Of course, the fact that he wants to be surrounded by young hot bodies and nubile young babes has nothing to do with this. The Feuhrer is not trying to create the Bimbo But Beautiful Eugenic Utopia by systematically eliminating the skinny nerds and mature broads. Watch as Lil goes and the Feuhrer will then suggest that Darrah be impregnated with superior White Feuhrer seed, all in good time to make a baby that will win the final Immunity Challenge at the finale, of course.

Now the Feuhrer is talking to Scoutmarm Lil. My jaw drops as he arrogantly tells her that the tribe is slaking off weaklings so the one that get voted out should have no problems with it. My, my, how wonderfully diplomatic. He is lucky that Lil is a passive dame that gets washed out with the tide rather than one that challenges the tide, because if that were me he is talking to, I would have hit his smarmy face so hard, he will have to swim all the way to Hawaii to get back his jaw. Lil's strongest response is her telling the Feuhrer that she will feel "very, very resentful" if she gets voted off. The Feuhrer says he will keep her informed of the tribe's decision. She commends him for having "the balls" to talk to her. The Feuhrer says he feels that he owes it to her to be honest about everything and he also feels that she is a "great asset" to the tribe of asshats.

Tijuana and Darrah are walking along the beach and talking, with Darrah informing Tijuana that Darrah may be going. Darrah is nonchalant. She should be - if you have access to Survivor Insider, you will know that Ryan O will threaten to defect if Darrah goes. Darrah has no reason to be concerned at this point. Tijuana is annoyed, however, because as she tells the Feuhrer, Darrah should be jumping around all worried and begging for her life. Because obviously these Swines enjoy having the idea of Darrah and Lil begging for their lives and they are annoyed because those two aren't going the extra way to inflate their ego. The Feuhrer asks her to think about who has earned her place in the tribe more, Darrah or Lil. Frankly, the idea that one has to "earn" her place in this tribe of utter, utter fools disgusts me.

Night time. Tribal Council. Probby smiles and commends the Morgons for being the "losingest" tribe ever. All hail Probby! He asks the Morgons if they suck. Ignoring the chorus of "Yes, you suck!" from the rest of the world, Tijuana insists that the tribe is awesome. Ryan O says that the tribe is united (in stupidity?) and it's just "one of those things" why they lost. Yeah, that thing and a million other things like stupidity, ineptness, hubris, megalomania, and rampant idiocy. Osten says that they are just going through a slump. I slump over and hubby fans me as we both fight for the bottle of aspirins.

Probby is amazed that they are smiling when they are on a losing streak. He reminds them how they pretty much self-imploded in several challenges in the past. The Feuhrer shrugs - they'll win the next one, he says. Probby says if they don't, soon there will be no tribe left. I feel so cheered up by this possibility. Tijuana says she doesn't worry that there is no shelter, no food, or no water because she's all about the "togetherness" - which is, of course, another nugget of wisdom among the many the geniuses of Morgons have uttered this episode.

Probby turns his attention to the two on the firing squad. Darrah says she's not good at fire, it's Scoutmarm Lil's job. Lil does a salute to Probby. Darrah praises herself for being able to hang herself from high places for so long - let's hope she does that more often - and how she gives her 100% to her tribe. The last I check, 100% of zero is still zero, but don't tell the idiot Morgons that are now nodding in complete agreeance with Darrah. Lil says she's proud that the Feuhrer praises her work ethics (oh please) and hopes the tribe takes that into consideration.

It's time to vote.

Ryan O - Lil. No speech shown.

Darrah - Lil. "Yarra a gray woohmuuh, a harrh whirlkuh, and a controbudduh to arr cam."

Osten - Lil.

Lil - Darrah. She calls Darrah a fragile Mississippi belle with very few skills. "No hard feelings," she says as she folds her vote into the jar. See? I told you she's too much of a passive-aggressive type.

Tijuana - Lil.

The Feuhrer - Lil. We don't see his vote, but we hear him say, "This is totally based upon a strategy. We'll see if it works." If this strategy is to eliminate your tribe members one by one so that one is hopelessly outnumbered after the merge, this may be the only thing right the Feuher has ever done.

Sad music comes on as Lil walks up to get her torch snuffed. Probby fails to snuff the torch the first time, however, and he cracks that "they" don't want her to go. Lil's bitter "Yeah right!" is the response. Finally, her touch is snuffed completely during Probby's second attempt. And then she's gone. Big sad sigh.

The online forums are abuzz with this torch thing because there is a rumor going around that after the merge, one of the Castaways will be brought back to compete again. There is a strong suspicion that if this rumor is true, tonight's episode is a clear indication that Lil is that Castaway and the Feuhrer will really pay for his sins. The torch, Probby's "they don't want you to leave", Nerd&Shoulders' telling her previously that she will not leave until her torch is put out completely, and the very symphathetic editing she gets in this episode. It seems unlikely that Burnetto will spend so much time showing his audience Lil's struggles in this tribe if her story ends here and now. Of course, the whole rumor could have been planted by Burnetto and the editing is an inside joke as a revenge on the online spoiler hos for giving away Survivor Amazon's results even before the season began. Who knows? But I know I'd love to see Lil back again. She deserves better that the horrible way the Morgons treated her.

Bye bye words? Lil is quite annoyed that the Feuhrer never told her she was going like he promised. Again, foreshadowing to Lil's resurrection and revenge? Who knows.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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