SURVIVOR

Pearl Islands Episode 2: To Quit or Not to Quit

Previously, the cute guys earn the enmity of not-cute people everywhere, Hagrid of Hogwart steals some stuff, and other than the Survivors begging, selling, and bartering their dignity away, nothing much happens. Nobody cares, except maybe for Nicole, the first one booted from the show. This week, nothing much happens except for some petty bickering and the Morgons continuing their downward spiral. Who wants to bet that next week, petty bickerings and nothing much else will happen?

Welcome to Pearl Islands, where swines are pretty and everything else is snoozy.

Night three on Morgon as we see the desolate and sad tribe members huddling before the fire. Scoutmarm Lil sighs and stares at the fire, no doubt seeing better times in her life when she is a happy and dignified scoutmistress instead of being a lonely castaway stuck in the jamboree from hell. Tijuana artfully strikes a Janet Jackson pose, sitting with her left side to the fire and hugging herself with her head turned to look at the fire. She's cold, obviously. The night is wearing her down, she says. She's fed up and freezing but she concludes miserably that there's nothing she can do. I guess stealing Hottiepants' Armani shirt is out of the question. Osten Powers half-heartedly pokes at the burning coals with a stick and laments that the freezing is getting at him. A man can't spend thirty-nine days in saggy undies without freezing at night - what on earth is the world coming to nowadays? He hopes that his poking with the fire will make it burn hotter and help him ward off pneumonia. At the rate this near-nude inept survival-skill free fellow is going, pneumonia is the least of his worries. Try "accidentally sitting on a sharp stick" instead.

It doesn't get any better for the Morgons when they realize that their newly-made shelter (version 2.0) is so badly made that the floor where they sleep on is rough and even sharp and bumpy at places. Ryan O tries to sleep as much as he could. He makes Darrah laugh. What a flirt, even in the bluest times he can still make silly women laugh. He should come fix my lightbulbs.

General Andrew Hottiepants sits among some ferns in his comfy interview and says that everyone here has two hours sleep at most since the last three days, and suggests that soon everyone will start hallucinating. Since Hottiepants insists that he's Dar Great Feuhrer of the Morgons, I'd say the hallucinations have long started.

Nerd&Shoulders tries to sleep with his head resting on his knees. He complains in the morning after interview that he can't sleep a wink the whole night. He needs a sleep. He needs food and rest. "This isn't working for me," he concludes. Osten seems to be sympathetic, until his voice over says that Nerd&Shoulders on a good day can't keep up with what Osten can do on his worst day. Physically, Osten says, Nerd&Shoulders have nothing to offer. As we shall soon see when Osten quits, the hallucination, when it starts, cuts so deep that what little brain cells that still function in that lumbering self-caressing narcissistic idiot's brain die completely.

Normally, seeing people suffer will be fun. But seeing inept and self-absorbed people suffer even as these idiots still act as if they are the best, well, it is fun if I'm up for masochistic TV. I'm not. When can a typhoon come and sweep Tribe Morgon to the sea?

Morning, day four. The much happier Tribe Quack is awake. Hagrid and Trish (who?) are strolling on the beach. Hagrid is very happy this morning. His sleep is perfect, thanks for asking Trish, he loves his life, he loves this life, and to prove it, he jumps on a tree branch and impersonates a bell. Only this time, instead of a bell toll there's my horrified laughter as France, London, and me get to see Hagrid's lovely shiny white panties in full glory. As he swings happily, he calls his tribesmates "beautiful souls", although he concedes that one or two may be having some difficulties adjusting to paradise. Sure enough, the mentally-stunted half-primate, half-slug Shawn Muggwitt cuts open a coconut and juices dribble down his "Beefcake Here, Thoughts Elsewhere" torso. I guess unlike Hagrid, he doesn't need a beard to eat and drink like the slob that ate Oscar the Grouch in the trashcan. Cokecasta smiles at Burtman. I don't know if she's mocking or she's delighted. For her sake, I hope it's the former.

Burnetto, really pulling at straws to show something interesting in this episode, decides to show Hagrid's Undersea Adventures. Hagrid says that he loves his spear. He loves to grasp his powerful spear and work it until he's all hot and sweaty. Killing fishies, of course. He loves "being in the middle of a giant fishing tank" and he loves fish. He then proceeds to stab the fish he loves to death. This sure isn't Finding Nemo (maybe Finding Moron, and with this bunch, I'm so spoiled for choices). So we see him bringing back a huge bounty of fish. Jiggy flute music plays as everyone eats and chit-chats.

Then Burtman wants to go fishing too. After all, He-Man here wants to prove to his good buddy Shawn that he is worthy of Shawn's abiding love too. Hagrid is not keen to let Burtman touch the spear, which he has laid claim on. The crown of his spear tends to get loose, he says, so Burtman must touch and handle the crown most delicately. "Delicate, uh-huh," Burtman must thinking in his snail-paced mind as he closes his fingers around Hagrid's spear. Hagrid says in his voice-over that he doesn't like anybody touching his spear. If someone has to kill fishies, he want to do it himself. Anyway, this scene concludes with the rest of the Quacks making happy sounds because they are so full and their moods are high. Burtman bites on a fish and raises an eyebrow to Jon Fairplay. (Did Shawn see this? What a slut!) Everyone's happy. All thanks to Hagrid's mighty spear. "Man, I'm full," Hagrid concludes with a burp.

It's Chest Mail time. Nerd&Shoulders brings the mail back to his unappreciative Morgons of the Flies buddies, and says that this particular Reward Challenge is a "super big one" as he has to prove himself to the Himbo Haute or he's history. Although he sighs that his "poor little body" may not be up to the task. Which probably begs the question: what the heck then is he doing here? Shouldn't he at least bulk up before the show? Then again, it doesn't matter. The megalomaniac Himbo Haute wants a scapegoat for their overall ineptness, and Nerd&Shoulders offers the easiest choice of target.

Probby watches the two tribes congregate before him and asks Quack to look at the "newly reformed" Morgons, nothing that Nicole is gone. I'm sure the Quacks care about this useful tidbit of information. He proceeds to announce another unnecessarily complicated kiddie pirate telethon game. First, tribe members go swim to the sea where there are buoys marking a spot. Tied to the bottom at each buoy is a "piratey" item (cheap candlebras, pots, et cetera). Each tribe must collect all five items, dump them in a chest also at the bottom, and then carry the chest to the shore. The first team to do this will win the Reward! What Reward? A chance to loot the other camp, Probby tells them, and one-third of a pirate map that reveals the location to a Great Treasure!

I'm beside myself with excitement.

Big Sandra sits out for the Quacks. And in another amazing display of leadership, the Morgons have Nerd&Shoulders competing with Burtman in the first round. Burtman dives, grabs a goblet, and dumps it into the chest. Nerd&Shoulders flail like a drowning dog, loses his mask, and fumbles even as his tribemates moan and desperately cheer him on. Burtman runs back to the Quacks and Shawn runs to grab another fake pottery. Nerd&Shoulders loses his mask again as he gasps for breath. The Morgons look horrified by the spectacle. They are the only ones surprised at this turn of events. What do you call a bunch of idiots that send a loser they insist is a loser to kick off a challenge they want to win? Morgons, that's what. Nerd&Shoulders grabs a goblet but judging from his actions, he'll probably die of exhaustion before he reaches the chest. Thinking of the insurance people behind this show that must now be close to getting multiple anginas should Nerd&Shoulders actually die on this show, Probby calls out to Nerd&Shoulders - he can pass the goblet to his tribe member who will then take over. He passes the goblet to Ryan O even as Shawn finishes his lap, and Ryan O... er... the front of his shorts is torn. It looks like a cute lil' cocktail sausage. I have a flash animation of Ryan O Junior peeking out at the world as the man runs to the water. I watch it whenever I want a good laugh. And no, you can't have it.

Nerd&Shoulders sit down and play with some suspiciously stringly fluids oozing from his nose, knowing that from now on, whenever he bags groceries at the store where he works, even babies will mock him as they are pushed pass him by their mommies. Hagrid takes over from Shawn, the Quacks now three items down to Morgons' one. Ryan O's shorts dip down - oh, just get rid of it already, making Ryan O this week's T&A provider. He's so High D to Osten's Jabba. I can't wait when they strip for peanut butter and KY jelly. However, Ryan O cannot open the chest, and he has to surface for breath. Hagrid places his item in the chest and swims back, letting Cokecasta take over from him. Ryan O gets the chest opened, dumps in Nerd&Shoulders' goblet and reaches for the next item. Cokecasta dumps her item in the chest and swims back to shore, with Burtman waiting to retrieve the Quacks' last item. Ryan O finally returns to shore and high-fives Scoutmarm Lil, who has removed her pants to reveal the giant white granny panties that ate Montana. General Hottiepants dive in even as the Quacks now drag the chest back to shore. Needless to say, Quacks win the Reward Challenge. It isn't just Nerd&Shoulders' fault, although he should receive a bigger share of the blame - Ryan O's performance isn't exactly a shining moment either in the history of stellar athleticisms.

The Quacks as usual cheer and gloat openly before the Morgons as Probby tells them to send someone over to loot one item from the Morgon camp. The Morgons walk home, defeated and totally humiliated. I'm sure they will get used to the feeling.

Celebration at Tribe Quack sees these people staring at the map and Burtman saying that their "hands are tied" because "the tide is high", not because they only have one-third of the map, as any halfway intelligent human being will wont to think. But Burtman is not a normal human being, he's rather stupid. Now they wonder what they will take from the Morgons. My suggestion? Ryan O. But that's just me. Shawn wants a water jug because he has an affinity for jugs. Jon Fairplay says that they must use this opportunity to hurt the Morgons - is he suggesting that they send Jon to the Morgons instead? Hagrid says that hey, wait a minute, they don't have to hurt the Morgons. (I agree - let the Morgons kill themselves. It's a matter of time.) They elect Big Sandra to be the looter. Michelle is glad it's Big Sandra that goes and not her, because the looter will have a target planted on her back should the Quacks find themselves at the mercy of the Morgons. Hagrid hugs Big Sandra, maybe truly fearing that the hungry and desperate Morgons will strike her down and eat her up for dinner.

Dejection at Tribe Morgon sees these losers staring at each other or at space. General Hottiepants says that it's not nice to be trashed like this. "We are at a subsistence level right now," he says. Cut the BS, lawyer boy, and just bury your head in the sand already. He worries about what will happen when some "young punk" from the Quacks come down and start bossing around. He tells Osten that he fears this punk may take the tarp that protects the shelter from rain, sun, and clue. Osten is horrified at the possibility and declares that if the tarp goes, he goes. Take the tarp, Sandra!

As they speak, the "young punk" is on a boat driven by Mr Yummy Shirtless Man making its way to Tribe Morgon. Big Sandra sits in the front, looking all set to loot, plunder, and pillage. The Morgons slowly straggle to watch the arrival of the interloper. She looks at Nerd&Shoulders and asks whether he is the Morgons' ambassador. Now that's funny in an unintentionally ironic way. What thoughts of plunder and pillage flee her mind though as she surveys the sorry conditions of the Morgon tribe. After checking around to see if the Morgons' haven't hidden the good stuff underground or something, she wonders how these Morgons get through. She tells them that the Quacks manage to get many useful items in the fishing settlement, leaving the unasked question hanging between them - "Why are you so stupid, Morgons?" - and finally in defeat asks for a water jug. At least Shawn will be happy, I guess. The Morgons tell her that they don't have a water jug. Silence as the wheels of Big Sandra's mind turn and turn and all turns lead to "I pity these fools" territory. Finally she says she will take the tarp. No doubt it will make a nice cover or a blanket. Ryan O looks annoyed as he petulantly tells her to get it herself. He doesn't know Big Sandra. Fine, she'll take it herself! "Yep," Tijuana chimes it - take it yourself, Sandra!

Big Sandra begins tearing apart the shelter to get the tarp. Crash! Down goes the palm fronds! There goes the flimsy bamboo walls! Ryan O complains that Big Sandra is ruining the precious First Wonder of the Morgons. If you ask me, they should all be cheering the destruction of that pathetic attempt at shelter, but then again, the Morgons probably have no other means or the smarts to build a better shelter, so boo-yah to all of them. Big Sandra tells them that she is lining the palm fronds nicely and neatly on the ground so that the Morgons can reuse them when they reassemble the shelter. Big Sandra says that she feels awful doing this until the Morgons start "running the mouths". Cue Big Sandra asking for a knife to cut the ropes holding the bamboo walls together and Tijuana churlishly answering that Sandra is not to cut anything or touch anything. Okay, so Big Sandra unties the ropes instead. She tells the Morgons that she doesn't want to do this and but she has to do what she has to do. Not really, Hottiepants tells her. Is he proposing that she takes him instead? It's an idea worth considering if Hottiepants isn't such an ass. Osten hits the knife hard on the sand. Big show for a little weenie, really. Finally she leaves with the tarp. Darrah, in her obligatory three seconds face time per episode, says that Sandra is a bitch that destroyed their shelter on purpose and the Quacks are all a bunch of bleeps. I know. If you all have lent her the knife your shelter may be still standing. Then again, maybe it's just better to dig a hole in the ground and sleep in it - anything is better than that shelter. Big Sandra may have done the Morgons a favor. If those idiots can overlook their bruised ego to pull their acts together... oh, who am I kidding here?

Osten keeps his word about wanting to go once the tarp goes. He announces that he is "spent" and he wants to quit. Now if only he keeps his word as well about being in "game mode" or being better than Nerd&Shoulders or being anything more than a whiny lil' bitchsnit. Hottiepants is dismayed and he tells Osten that the tribe needs people that are "digging" the game. Oh please, as if the Morgons haven't dug themselves in deep enough already! Tijuana is upset. She talks to Osten privately and tells him it's all mental and that they are all in it together (hint, hint) and he has to stay for her if not for the tribe. But Osten must be really far gone when he doesn't seem to get what Tijuana is offering him. He wails that he will get pneumonia from the cold. Excuse me if I'm not exactly sympathetic to a guy that strips down to undies and then complains that he will die from a cold. Tijuana says that she has done all she can and Osten will have to do what is best for him. Osten poses in the sunset - No Sympathies For Whiny Crybabies - and wonders why nobody loves him.

Jiggy flute music again and look, Shawn is fishing. Here, fishies, fishies! The scenery is amazing and it's now morning, day five, at Tribe Quack. Jon Fairplay watches eagerly as Shawn walks out from the water in a When Beefcakes Gone Rotten scene. I think I now know Jon's fairplay - seduce both Burtman and Shawn in a classic divide and conquer ploy! What a smart guy. Then Shawn announces the bad news: he has probably manhandled Hagrid's spear a little too hard, because now Hagrid's spear crown has popped off. He has looked everywhere, it seems, but the spearhead is gone.

"My spear is dead!" Hagrid growls. He says that the ocean is like a bathtub (his word, not mine) so it is impossible that Shawn can't find the spearhead. Hagrid reminds Shawn that he has said again and again that he wants to be only one allowed to touch Hagrid's Magic Spear. Now Shawn has popped Hagrid's spear and lost the bag in the process - how now, Shawn, how? Shawn tries to say that he doesn't make Hagrid's spear pop off like that on purpose, but Hagrid only spreads his hands like some bizarre crucification complex gone ugly. The poor Quacks have to hear Hagrid going on and on about how the Quacks are now without a source of meat because Shawn Popped Hagrid's Spear. Cokecasta backs up Hagrid though, saying in her voiceover that Shawn is "the biggest puss" she has ever met. Hagrid finally goes to look for his spear crown himself. Shawn also goes along with him. I am hoping that Shawn will find the spearhead and shove it to Hagrid's face, but it has to be Hagrid that finds it first. He yells and makes a lot of irritating noises as he gloats in a "See? See? I knew it!" manner. He says that it is a good thing that he manages to recover the spearhead, because Shawn will be out of the game otherwise. Er, I don't think so, Hagrid. You are funny but I think right now you're placing way too much importance on your own self in the social hierarchy of the Quacks.

Since by now the audience of this show must be bored to catatonia by now - let's see, spear fights, tarp snatching, what fun! - the show then cuts to Immunity Challenge time. Yup, we've skipped to day six. Probby prods Big Sandra into unwisely gloating that it feels good to loot the Morgons. Big Sandra will love it when somehow she ends up in a tribe switch to the Morgons. Probby then announces today's Immunity Challenge: "Just Say Aye If You Like To See Hottiepants All Tied Up And Shirtless Today".

Three persons from each tribe go into the waters. One sits on the raft, the other two stay in the water at each side of this person, and all three are tied up. The raft will be pulled towards the shore by the members of the opposing tribe via a pulley. Which means, the harder they pull, the father the raft moves from the shore. The first team to untie themselves must grab the ropes and a tube thingie from the raft, swim to shore, and with the rest of the tribe, open the tube thingie and get the two compass coordinates written on the inside and then use these coordinates to dig in a sand to uncover the flag that will allow them to take Bruce the Immunity Idol home for three days.

No, I won't repeat that again. Go draw a flowchart if you have to, but I am not repeating myself, so there! I also don't know what these unnecessarily complicated nonsense has to do with pirates. Maybe it's the pirates' doggies digging in the sand thing they're trying to reenact here.

Because he is the Feuhrer, Hottiepants sits on the raft with Ryan O, his first command, and Darrah at his side. At the other team, Hagrid sits on the raft while Trish and Michelle play the handmaidens of Hogwart. Tijuana and Osten, who are big in the motivation department, fall the moment they are to pull the Quacks' raft out (I know, I know). Meanwhile, Hottiepants is really good at untying himself, that kinky bastard, but Hagrid isn't too bad either. Unfortunately, while the Morgons lead on the swim back to shore, Ryan O has problems opening the tube - no doubt Hottiepants will be giving him some hands-on lessons tonight - and next thing I know, the Quacks are literally digging up a storm and winning Bruce for three nights. Lucky Bruce. I have to point out here that Nerd&Shoulders is digging like crazy while Osten Powers is pretty much standing there like a lifeless buffoon. But do the rest of the Morgons appreciate this? What do you think?

After witnessing the Quacks' open gloating - gee, this is becoming a bad habit, me typing this - the Morgons head back to camp where Hottiepants declares that the tribe is "devastated" (he has no idea how true he is there). Osten asks Nerd&Shoulders to vote him out. Nerd&Shoulders claims that he is shocked at Osten's request, but apparently the more he thinks about it, the more Osten's request makes sense. Gee, his ass is on the line and he still wants to make sense of the other guy. How magnanimous of him!

Hottiepants isn't as keen as Nerd&Shoulders when Osten asks Hottiepants his permission to be voted out tonight. Dar Morgon Feuhrer says that the tribe has "no chance" if a whiny able-bodied self nipple-pinching crybaby exhibitionist decides to boot himself out of the game. He says that just like how the Quacks need Hagrid (huh?), the Morgons need Osten, who has done nothing in the two challenges today, if the Morgons are to blaze their way to victory like Dar Morgon Feuhrer here imagines. Oh, Andy, admit it - you just want to get into Osten's pants like the rest of them. Osten brings up that pneumonia thing again and laments that when his body wants to stop, he just has to stop. Which brings me to another point: it's obvious that Osten is not only a lily-livered weenie, he can't be too good in bed either if this "I have to stop because my body is stopping" philosophy of his is anything to go by. I bet Osten Powers is a good lover only if the sole act of penetration involves a steroid jab.

Scoutmarm Lil gets it right when she talks to Nerd&Shoulders and they both watch as Osten "I can't go on" Powers happily plays catch-my-coconut with Ryan O. She calls Osten on for having a "piss-poor attitude". You go, Lil! Nerd&Shoulders tells Tijuana of his talk with Osten, and Tijuana is devastated because her bedbuddy wants to quit. Honey, seriously, you can do better than a man whose breasts are bigger than yours. To think I thought that guy sexy last week. What was I thinking? What are you thinking? Still, even Tijuana can't sway Osten, and in the end, she concludes sadly that Osten has what it takes but he just doesn't want to take it and it "pisses" her off. Or something.

Morgon Tribal Council. Oh good, the show is ending! Probby grins. "Here we go again." Say that again with a pained voice and that will be my sentiments exactly. Probby asks Dar Morgon Feuhrer what the biggest challenges faced by the tribe are. Hottiepants says that it's sleep. He says that nobody is sleeping because they have to rebuild the shelter after Big Sandra's King Kong act on it. Ah, but Probby reminds the Feuhrer that the latter has been complaining about the lack of sleep since the last tribal council. Big Sandra tore apart the shelter only the day before. "So what did you do for the first five days?" he asks in mocking gravity. Nerd&Shoulders says that Morgon's biggest weakness is that they lack "focus" and they need teamwork. The Morgons agree. Teamwork will start by their uniting to boot Nerd&Shoulders back to his grocery store.

Probby asks Hottiepants what he wants to do now and Probby reminds the Feuhrer that it is common for the rabble to execute the leader in the past. Hottiepants nods at the latter and says that they will work at the problems in Morgon tomorrow. And maybe if that fails, tomorrow after this tomorrow. Every day is tomorrow in Dar Morgon Feuhrer's world. Probby asks Scoutmarm Lil for her opinion of the Morgons. She looks as if she will love to throw herself at Probby and beg and scream to be removed from the tribe, but she just says that she gives the tribe an "A+" for spirit and says that they lost to the Quacks "very close". Probby laughs nastily at that last one, reminding her that the Morgons will still be digging right now if the Quacks haven't won the Immunity Challenge. He tells her that the Morgons are on a downward spiral, so really, Lil, what is the problem? She says they need to fish more. I say she needs a few lessons from Big Sandra about growing a spine.

Osten says he doesn't want to go camping anymore. The world weeps at this great loss.

Lil says she will vote based on who is contributing to the tribe. Hottiepants wants to get rid of the weakest link - is he voting himself off now? Nerd&Shoulders says that he votes for a person only because that person asks him to, but he won't tell Probby who. Because Probby doesn't watch the whole unedited footage of the last two days and this day before the Tribal Council so he doesn't know, Tijuana doesn't know, Lil doesn't know, nobody knows. Oh, Morgons. Even the most likeable ones are such simpletons.

The Feuhrer votes for Nerd&Shoulders.

Lil votes for Osten. She doesn't think Osten's problem is physical. She can't forgive Osten for giving up on them.

Tijuana votes for Nerd&Shoulders.

Ryan O says, "You're a great kid. You've got a bunch of heart. You just don't have the strength for this game. I'll see you when I'm out of here." He writes Nerd&Shoulders' name on the parchment. That's a nice thing to say, actually. He's also the only one that does not call Nerd&Shoulders "Skinny Ryan" on the parchment. I'm all for name-callings when it comes a tribe of fools like the Morgons, but such thoughtful refrain from insulting a man when he's down charms me over. He's a bit dim and he has a hopeless infatuation for Dar Morgan Feuhrer, but he is nice to people in general and he gets naked and he has a cute lil' cocktail sausage weenie. Men like him is what "It's not the size that matters, it's how you use it" is especially thought up for.

Osten - Nerd&Shoulders. Creep.

Darrah - Nerd&Shoulders. She still hold hopes of embalming Osten Powers when the man finally catches pneumonia.

Nerd&Shoulders - Osten. Only because Osten asks him to, of course.

Nerd&Shoulders closes his eyes and sighs as he stands up to get his torch snuffed. Scoutmarm Lil is close to tears as Nerd&Shoulders walks down the Path of Shame, alone like the Morgon pariah that he is. She probably knows that she's next if Morgon continues to lose challenges. Probby just tells them to go back to camp and wishes them a curt goodnight. And they all go back to camp, where hopefully pneumonia will strike them down and make them all suffer the way I have suffered this episode.

Nerd&Shoulders says that he regrets not making friends with the right person and he really did try his best, so he apologizes if he has let down anybody. No, no, don't feel that way, Nerd&Shoulders. Life handed you lemons on this show by sticking you in a tribe of fools, and getting out before the ship sinks completely is... well, not as good as a million dollars, definitely, but seriously, you're never as bad as the Himbo Haute and their followers say you are. Have fun watching the tribe disintegrate completely!

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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