SURVIVOR

Pearl Islands Episode 6: Me and My Snake

Previously, Hagrid and Ryan O have love for each other, the Quacks have no love for Michelle, and Darrah shows her naked back to ask us to love her. The Morgons are still unlovable, the Quacks are becoming more unlovable, and Jon Fairplay and Osten vie for the title of the most hateworthy Survivor ever (Tooolllll who?). However, the Quacks' stupidly throwing their Immunity Challenge six days ago has unleashed something nasty within the Quacks, and this week, the disintegration of the Quacks continues for the audience's pleasure.

Credits. Man oh man, Ryan O's photo in the credits doesn't do that hottie any justice.

Night fifteen, the epilogue to last week's booting of Michelle. Oh look, a snake on the ground. I wonder what that means, hmmm? The Quacks come in to warm themselves around the fire. Trish says that Michelle left with "a lot of class", as if Michelle has any other option. Hagrid agrees and says that Michelle is a very good girl and says that he regrets that she is not with the Quacks anymore. He does remember that he voted her out, does he not? Hagrid voices-over that the first "real" Tribal Council for him and the rest "sucked". Trish says that she finds Probby's questions very "direct". Cokecasta and Sandra add in their agreement. Because the conversation is drifting away from Hagrid, Hagrid decides to stand in front of everybody, spreads his hands apart like the new prophet of Pearl Islands, and announces that he'd like to apologize if he offended anyone during Tribal Council. Er, I'm more fascinated (in an "I can't look away" manner) at the fact that his skirt is nearly transluscent as he stands before the fire. Anyway, in his interview, Hagrid spins a rather different story from his condescendingly apologetic tone that night - he says that the Quacks have given the Morgons a new boost of momentum by throwing that ill-fated Immunity Challenge, but at this point in time, Hagrid believes that he's the only person aware of that. Yeah, keep selling your myth, Hagrid, but I don't think I'm buying it anymore. Hagrid is coming off as way too pompous, self-important, and camera-conscious for my liking.

Then Hagrid talks to Balboa, that snake he adopted last week as the new mascot of the Quacks. (Because having a snake as the mascot for your tribe is the coolest thing, ever, really, even better than having a jackal, a hyena, or an alligator.) Hagrid says that he wishes that he has written Shawn's name on the paper instead of Michelle's. I hope he is just aware that the camera is watching and he is trying to score some cookie points with the future audience of his Hagrid/Barney crossover TV show for going against his word for Michelle, because the other alternative - he's the male version of Jan the Hen - is unthinkable.

In an interview, he says that now everyone in the Quacks is plagued by doubts after losing so many challenges in a row. For a while, people thought a Quack will win this, he muses. Um, really? That's news to me. Is there a rule in this show that says that a contestant from the strongest tribe will win the game? The last few winners of Survivor (Jabba, Porno, and InVeeSible) came from tribes considered the physically or mentally weaker one during their respective seasons. The irony of Hagrid talking about the Quacks is that right now, Burnetto is giving the Quacks the loser team editing. The members of Tampa Queens, Soochee, and Rothunk, the self-proclaimed "stronger" teams, will recognize the story arc Burnetto's team of editors are giving the Quacks. Right now, they all but brand "Loser" on the Quacks' forehead.

Day sixteen. Good morning, Balboa the Snake. Or rather, rest in peace, you sucker. Looks like being kept in a small gunny sack doesn't bode well for our reptilian familiar here, and now Bolboa is dead. Hagrid sighs heavily and tells Balboa sorry and adds, "It's a hard world". Oh, Hagrid, take comfort in the fact that Balboa probably wished that he was dead since having been forced to keep the Quack's company and now he is in a better place, a happier place too, no doubt.

Shawn Muggwitt, shirt hanging off him in that ugly beefcake way as usual, saunters up to Hagrid and asks how his snake is doing. I wonder if he wants to pet Hagrid's snake. Hagrid tells him that his snake is dead. Nothing like some really bad puns to start off the day, isn't it? Shawn enquires whether Balboa died last night, leaving off the question, "Oh Hagrid, is your halitosis that bad?" Hagrid nods an affirmative regarding the question of Balboa's time of death. "That's so sad," Shawn says. With all due respect, Shawn, what makes you think Balboa doesn't want to die once he's known all of you? In his interview, Shawn wonders why Hagrid is acting so emotional over a snake that Hagrid picked up only the day before. Now, I like animals but I cannot muster any fondness for the reptilian kind - you won't see me hugging a cobra any time soon - so I agree with Shawn there. Now someone please hit me in the head before I agree with this guy some more. I don't want to end up depressed and suicidal like Balboa.

While a poor depressed animal finally finds his final freedom in the Quack camp, another animal descends upon the Morgon camp - a trained pelican brought in by Burnetto to terrorize the Morgons. Scary Jaws music comes on as a pelican swoops onto the beach and starts waddling towards the camp. Osten Powers is sitting on the beach trying to kill a coconut. He is sharping his machete using a branch thingie when he sees the pelican and starts eyeing it as if it's a shark in tux walking out of the sea to eat everybody. He flees when the pelican greets him in pelican-speak, "Hello, loser!" Then the pelican does what I always wanted to do myself, he takes a nasty peck at the Morgon banner. Then comes my boyfriend Ryan O to laugh at the pelican. "You don't need to do that," he tells the pelican. The pelican, annoyed, turns to snap his beak at the man. Ryan O laughs and goes into a mock fighting stance, saying, "Oh, you want to challenge me?" He does some mock boxing. The pelican makes some appreciative sounds. I want to marry Ryan O when I grow up. Camera pans on T&A laughing from her sitting in the shelter. The Feuhrer says that Ryan O loves animals so it is expected that Ryan O will like this pelican. Ryan O tells the Feuhrer that he's named the pelican Pete. Ryan O and Pelican Pete walk around the beach, goofing around a little, and I send a telepathic wedding proposal through the broadcast signal to Ryan O to tell him to get over here to my place and play kiss the birdie with me.

Then Ryan O decides to get back to his camp and to everyone's amusement (and to Osten's displeasure), Pelican Pete decides to follow him. Osten that starts poking at it with his stick. Even T&A tells him to stop that, but he persists, saying that he will take the machete and "chop this thing's head right the f**k off". Excuse me? The Feuhrer teases Osten that Pete just wants to sit on his lap, and Osten gets off the shelter to grab for his machete. Everyone else laughs and shrieks and jumps out of the way when Pelican Pete spreads his wings and hops onto the shelter floor. Darrah says that it is hilarious how Osten is scared of "every little thing". She adds, "He's scared of every little bug".

Osten begins sharpening his machete with a stone, his actions making a scree-scree-scree sound. Ryan O, realizing that Osten is dead serious about killing Pete, begins shooing Pete away, much to Burnetto's relief because Balboa is already bad enough and he doesn't want naked supermodels from PETA to start hijacking next season's camp site to protest. Osten says in an interview that he doesn't like animals because he's been bitten by a "couple of animals" and the next animal that bites him, he warns, will die. At the rate this man is going, he is lucky if cheerful women he encounters at the local K-mart won't order their cheery plump babies to bite this idiot when they meet him. He says loudly that he is going to kill Pete. Ryan O, pausing in his act of gently shooing Pete away, tells him to "just go sit down and stop f**king with your blade" because "you're not chopping anything's f**king head off unless we're gonna eat it, and we're not eating this one."

Swoon. What a romantic hunk. Marry me, baby, and I'm not even being facetious.

The Feuhrer says that Osten is being "an ass", calling Osten's sharpening his machete "the dumbest thing" he has ever seen. He says that he is embarrassed for Osten. Whoa, I am finding this guy hot and sexy all over again. Damn you, Burnetto, how dare you use that pelican to make me like Darrah, the Feuhrer, and T&A? This is manipulative editing and I resent that. I suggest you rectify this problem immediately by sending me Ryan O and the Feuhrer to clean the pool you will be getting me. Ryan O's interview has him saying that he's really "pissed off" with Osten because he doesn't understand why Osten is here if he is afraid of the sea and the jungle and the wildlife here. Another reason to love Ryan O over that self-aggrandizing megalomaniac Hagrid.

Ryan O finally says bye-bye to Pelican Pete. "See ya later buddy," he says. Now, see you later, dear Mr Opray.

Over at the Quack camp, Hagrid is finally putting his information that he learned from the Morgons to good use. Right now he is telling the others to lift the shelter floor above the ground to stop those bugs from attacking them every day. Trish says that personally she doesn't believe that Hagrid's suggestion will help much, but everyone is willing to go with Hagrid's plan nonetheless. Shawn says that lifting the floor an inch or two won't help. Or dear, is it wise to go against the rebel leader like that? Big Sandra says that Shawn is being deliberately obstinate and contrary.

Jon Fairplay starts screaming at Shawn. I don't know what sets him off, but he starts screaming that he's had it with being the only person anything while everyone just stands around (and sure enough, at this point at least, everyone else just stands or sits there and watch him scream). Shawn tells him to calm down, which of course sets Jon off even more. Finally, Shawn just ignores him and gets down to work with Jon just screaming and screaming until Jon finally walks away, but not without a lovely (blurred out) finger gesture at Shawn. Big Sandra says that she's glad Jon "put Shawn in his place" because right now Shawn is in automaton mode, working practically by himself to pull apart the shelter. She adds that Shawn has to work anyway or they will all send him home. I used to think that this woman is sassy and fun, but now I think she's nothing better than a typical vicious-tongued office worker that talked behind everyone's back.

Day seventeen. Crabs crawl on the beach. There's an octopus in the sea. Fishies, hi fishies! The Quack camp has chest mail. Jon Fairplay reads aloud from a blue paper and this Reward Challenge has probably a food reward. "Ready, aim, fire," Jon reads aloud in his grating manner, "Who will be standing last?" Trish says that they need to get their momentum back after losing two challenges in a row. She tells everyone to kick ass and repeats that they are an united tribe. Yes, and I'm the new Queen of England.

Our darling bitchy host Jeff Proboscis is waiting on a beach. As the two tribes walk in, he asks the Morgons to take a look at the "new" Quacks minus Michelle. Again, I'm sure the Morgons are really concerned. The Feuhrer is wearing that stupid shirt again, ugh. Today's Reward Challenge will require each tribe member to aim, load, and fire a tiny pallet thingie from a cannon to one of the paper targets placed a distance away from the cannons. The targets are colored in the opposing tribe's color (in this case the Quacks shoot at red targets and the Morgons at the blue targets), not that it matters. Probby reveals the prize: grill and barbecue utensils, spices, three or four large lobsters, steak, a chance to loot the rival tribe's camp, and in Morgon's case, the second piece of the treasure map. Probby gives them a moment to plan "strategy" (like figuring out which end of the cannon is the correct end to aim at the target, I guess) and then gives them the word to go.

Jon Fairplay versus the Feuhrer. The Feuhrer grabs the base of the canon and spins it a little until he is satisfied with the aim. Nope, he aims too high and probably kills a seagull in the process. Probby asks Jon which target the fool is aiming at. "The red one," Jon says. Probby has to noticeably clench his jaw at that response. Jon misses. Big Sandra and Ryan O both hit their targets. T&A misses, Trish gets it. Hagrid and Osten both get their targets. As Darrah and Shawn step forward to their canons, Probby announces that the Quacks are "one target away from surf and turf". Darrah gets it, Shawn misses, and now both tribes are at a draw. Then the Feuhrer misses, Cokecasta gets it, Hagrid yells, "We win!", and the Quacks start cheering. I really dislike how the Quacks hoot and gloat like that - show some graciousness, people, to the losing tribe! The Feuhrer presses his palms to each side of his head at the same time as Trish yells, "Look at these steak, man!" - ouch, that must burn the Morgons' ears - while Shawn holds up a lobster as if he's never seen one before. Darrah frowns - or maybe that's just her normal facial expression - while Jon smiles evilly. Then the Quacks walk away, ungracious in victory, and Morgons walk home, defeated and dejected. Ah well.

A pelican flies overhead as happy music plays. "Surf and turf!" Trish calls out as the Quacks make their way back to camp. Then they eat. And eat and eat and eat. Big Sandra says that she bites off the steak right from the fork and "it's the bomb". Whatever. I hope all of you annoying twits get food poisoning.

Day eighteen, Quack. Hagrid walks up to a sleeping Jon Fairplay, bends down, and wakes that man up. He tells Jon that the man is selected to go loot the Morgon camp today. Incidentally, Jon has wrapped his buff around his forehead and he looks like a circus clown minus make-up. Jon says in his interview that he wants to have fun. Since the Morgon tribe morale must be low, he thinks it will be great to plan on "taking that morale and jumping on it just up and down so there's absolutely nothing come Immunity time." Remember this quote of his so that we can all laugh together later when Jon gets his comeuppance.

Over at the Pits of Morgon, Osten sits aside on the beach, probably looking nervously around for scary pelicans, as T&A and the Feuhrer wait for the Quack fellow to come drop by. Darrah is at her usual place - her butt planted on the floor of the shelter and the blanket covering her lower body. No idea where Ryan O is - fishing is my guess.

"Who's that?" the Feuhrer asks T&A as they watch the boat arrive. When both realize that it's that "rude" and "irritating" Jon, the looks of distaste on their faces are comical to watch. T&A whispers to the Feuhrer that they will have to grit their teeth and smile and hopefully Jon will get lost as quickly as he came. Heh, when even the Morgons hate you... Still, T&A manages to smile as Jon gets out of the boat and announces that he's early today. As Jon prances around, the Feuhrer says that he finds Jon more humble than expected. Jon tells them that the Quacks wants him to take the Morgons' pot. The Feuhrer is surprised as he expects Jon to take the portable shower. Jon says he'd rather swipe the pot, but adds that he'd like to have a shower. The Feuhrer diplomatically lets the man have some shampoo.

After Jon has washed his hair, he lets the Morgons know that he's been nicer than before and he hasn't been trash talking the Morgons. Isn't Jon such a nice guy? The Feuhrer says that he doesn't mind the trash talking, he's more demoralized by the tribe losing six challenges in a row. Jon moves in for what he hopes to be a coup de grace: "Well, technically, seven," he tells the Feuhrer in a voice loud enough to carry across the camp. He goes on to explain about how the Quacks threw that now infamous Immunity Challenge. And then, leaving the stunned Morgons to absorb this information, he leaves.

The Morgons, sans Ryan O, watch him leave. Darrah says that Jon is full of it. T&A says that the Morgons won that Challenge on their own. The Feuhrer agrees. In his interview, he says that it is "bad sportsmanship" to say that the Morgons "didn't win fair and square. "That little pissant came to ruffle feathers, and he did," he says. "Let the games begin," he goes on to declare, "let's take the gloves off!"

In a way, I have to agree with the Feuhrer. Just because the Quacks threw the challenge does not mean that the Morgons will automatically lose the challenge otherwise. It is very arrogant for Jon and the Quacks to assume that the Morgons will never win anything. If there's a difference between the two tribes, it's that the Morgons, while being inept campers, form an united front during Challenges now that they have gotten rid of those they deemed the pariahs, while the Quacks seem to be more concerned in upstaging each other for the limelight.

It's now time for the Immunity Challenge. This time around, Probby awaits in a clearing that have been rearranged and redecorated to look like the set from Boot Camp. But before they proceed, Probby points out the really severe insect bites all over Cokecasta's face. Cokecasta giggles and says that the bites are her new "freckles" and she adds that she doesn't really know why she's bitten so badly. It's the coke in the blood. The bugs are addicted.

This challenge requires three of the strongest members from each tribe to stand and hold a pole on their shoulders. Two remaining members will add weights (bags of sand, I guess) on the pole under the orders of the remaining two members of the opposing tribe. Each bag weights twenty pounds. Weights will be added until only one person is left standing. The tribe this person comes from will have the pleasure of Bruce the Immunity Idol's company for the next three days. On the Quack camp, Big Sandra sits out and Trish and Jon Fairplay direct while Hagrid, Shawn, and Cokecasta carry the weight of the tribe on their shoulders. The Feuhrer, Ryan O, and Osten are the Atlases of the Morgons while T&A and Darrah direct.

The Quacks target Osten and the Feuhrer, spreading the weights around equally while the Morgons unsurprisingly target Hagrid. Osten drops the weight at 180 pounds and he's out. T&A and Darrah exchange a look best described as "utter disgust". Hagrid is breathing hard and wobbling slightly at that point - he's carrying 200 pounds while the Feuhrer is carrying eighty pounds. It is bear noting that the Feuhrer has his legs placed wide apart compared to Hagrid's clamming his legs close, which is wise as this lowers the Feuhrer's center of gravity and helps him balance better. The Feuhrer is also wearing that stupid suit and while Hagrid also has some fabric padding his shoulder, I believe the Feuhrer benefits more from the shoulder pads of his suit jacket. Is this fair? In the long run, though, I doubt the amount of padding matters much in this Challenge. The Feuhrer has a distant look in his eyes, as if he has retreated into some inner zen place of his so that he can focus on remaining upright. I bet that's what helps more than any padding in the suit jacket.

Hagrid collapses shortly after Osten. The Morgons begin, on the Feuhrer's instruction to "break someone", to lay the weight on Shawn and to a lesser extent, Cokecasta. The Quacks, who also has help from Big Sandra so everyone's technically cheating at this point, start focusing on Ryan O as well as the Feuhrer. Probby at one point remarks that Shawn has 120, the Feuhrer has 160, and Ryan O has twenty. The next round, Shawn gets 140, Jon tells him that the contest is made for him, and Shawn drops the pole. Jon, I told you you should have shut up a long time ago. "Come on!" the Feuhrer says, maybe for himself, as he is carrying 160.

Time passes as Cokecasta becomes the Morgon's remaining target. Probby announces that Cokecasta now has 160, which is the same weight as Osten and the Feuhrer. (I think Probby miscalculated as I'm sure Osten carried 180 before he collapsed - but never mind.) I must admit that Cokecasta is impressive as she is literally carrying the weight of her tribe here. But soon she begins falling over and while she is valiantly trying to hold still, it's obvious to all that she cannot go on much longer. By the next round, she's finished. The Feuhrer, who has been holding at 160 for far longer than anyone else on the line, finally drops his pole and collapses on the ground. T&A, in what I find a very moving gesture, falls on her knees and kisses the Feuhrer on the forehead. I must also confess that at this point I am cheering because both the Feuhrer and Cokecasta put on a show that can't be described any less than amazing. Cokecasta because she kicks Shawn and Osten's ass and the Feuhrer because he really meant it when he said that all gloves were off.

Probby says that the Feuhrer deserves to hold Bruce. "Well done, Savage," Probby says and then points out that there are tears in the Feuhrer's eyes. The Feuhrer kisses the Idol. Ryan O jumps around happily and punches the air. The camera lingers on the Feuhrer, red-eyed, touching the Idol almost reverently, and I must admit, in that scene, there is something about a teary-eyed man touching the reward that he worked valiantly to win that makes the Feuhrer looks like the most handsome and noble man to grace the TV screen. How silly. I'm sure I'll get over my swooning over the Feuhrer in, oh, a million years from now.

Probby turns his attentions to the Quacks. He knows they aren't planning to go to Tribal Council, he tells them (heh heh heh), but they are. Heh heh heh. He notes that after tonight, it'll be down to five-five on each tribe. I wouldn't say that out loud if I were Probby. After all, it won't do to arouse suspicions of show fixing in the minds of the cynical viewer now, will it?

There will be bloodshed on the Quack camp, as sure enough, back at camp, Hagrid is at his usual King Kong bluster thingie, growling and saying that Shawn's performance is a disgrace, or as he puts it, "the worst, pitiful-est ass peformance". "I want him off my island and my adventure," he concludes and hello, excuse me, Hagrid? Your island? Your adventure? Who died and made Survivor the Hagrid Show? I am starting to think that Hagrid is in dire need of a swift kick in the bum, preferably straight to Loser Lodge. I may miss him when he's gone as he's the most colorful contestant on this show, but right now, such arrogance deserves a comeuppance.

At the other end where it is peaceful and calm, Trish, Jon, and Sandra are talking. Trish says that Hagrid has too much power right now. She says that she loves Hagrid "personally", but she is worried that Hagrid is becoming too popular with both the Morgons as well as the Quacks. She asks what the other two think. Can they starve for a few days more until the merge? Sandra agrees to the plan but says that Cokecasta won't go for it. Jon is all for it. Trish and Jon decide that they will keep Cokecasta in the dark, tell Shawn only at the last moment, and it will be a four-one vote tonight with Hagrid being sent home. I would have loved to see that. Unfortunately, Trish and Jon for some reason fail to see Sandra's less than enthusiastic approval to their admittedly brilliant plan. Sure enough, Sandra tattles to Cokecasta, who then tells Hagrid, who then tells Shawn, and Shawn agrees to help Hagrid and Sandra betray Trish and Jon.

In a scene that will be amusing if the result isn't so disappointing, Jon and Shawn talk as they walk along the beach. Jon wants Shawn to vote out Hagrid. Nobody can beat Hagrid in the Final Two, Jon points out. Shawn, probably thinking he's so brilliant, says that he must do what the game wants to do. Both men are so transparent in their "Heh! I'm betraying you!" gloatings that were each of them less arrogant, he would have seen through the other person immediately.

Tribal Council time. Probby calls the tribe cocky and asks Big Sandra of her opinion in their defeat. She says that they thought they would never lose as they had a great meal before the Challenge and the Morgons are demoralized. (May the Quacks never learn of Jon's inadvertent spurring the Feuhrer on during the looting.) Probby commends Cokecasta on outlasting Osten and she demures, saying that she truly hates letting her tribe down by dropping the pole.

Then it's time for Hagrid to dive off the cliff right into the Absolutely Disgusting abyss. He starts talking in his most dramatic voice about how he feels sad that the tribe is no longer united and how people are conspiring behind him. Oh, really, that's rich. How dare people lie and betray on a show called Survivor! Of course, Hagrid's own betrayal of Burtman doesn't count, neither does Sandra's betrayal of Trish, and neither does Hagrid's abetting the throwing of that Immunity Challenge that he calls the most stupid idea ever, because Hagrid is King and He Shall Not Be Held Accountable for the very sins he calls his other tribe members on. He goes on to say that he despairs as he feels "unneeded" by his tribe as he catches them fish and all. How dare the tribe want to vote him out? He's doing everything for them!

Hagrid, it's official. I don't like you anymore.

Trish says that she is "surprised" that Hagrid feels this way. Hagrid rolls up his eyes and shakes his head in that very annoying way of his. Trish tells Probby that it will hard to vote someone out. Jon grins at her, no doubt admiring Trish's ability to say all this with a straight face.

Big Sandra tells Probby the person she is voting has told so many stories that nobody can keep them straight anymore. For a while, I wonder whether this mean but useless backstabbing bitch is talking about herself as frankly, who's the person that agreed to vote out Hagrid today only to turn around and stab Trish in the back? Right now the Quacks are coming off like bad TV evangelists, always clinging at straws to condemn each other for the very sins they themselves commit and justify with flimsy reasons, and I really don't like any of them any more. Trish stares at Sandra suspiciously as Jon laughs.

It's time to vote. Everyone's confessional gets air time today.

Cokecasta - Trish. "You stabbed us all in the back. You have no idea how to play this game. But good try. See ya later." Oh please. Trish knows how to play the game. She's just stupid enough to place her trust in Sandra.

Jon - Hagrid. "Everybody's got a price. Everybody's gotta pay, because the million dollar man always gets his way." Yes, it's a wrestling quote.

Sandra - Trish. "I always said you were a snake from day one. You can't be trusted. You told so many stories around that you don't even remember who you told what to. So good-bye, adios!" No, she's not talking to her reflection in the mirror.

Trish - Hagrid. "Rupert, I'm voting you out for two reasons. The first is that I think you've been too tough and too hard to beat in the individual immunity challenges. And I'm also voting you out because I think you just have too much power with the other tribe. It just seems to me that you're straddling both tribes, so that concerns me a lot. I think you're a great guy - a really wonderful person. And I've enjoyed getting to know you." Nicely put, Trish. This is what I call an elimination speech that is honest, straight to the point, just perfect.

Hagrid - Trish. "I cannot believe that you turned on me so quickly. Everybody on my tribe tells me that you want me out, that you lied right to my face. I can't take that." And I can't take you any more. Please go away.

Shawn - Trish. It's not shown whom he votes for, but Survivor Insider footages show that he votes for Trish. "The game's over for you. It's my game now. Goodbye." Funniest gibberish ever.

Trish looks surprised when she is given the boot. Jon's shocked and horrified realization that he's now the Michelle of the tribe, however, is priceless. The beauty of this is that he's inadvertently put in the same spot that he mocked Michelle mercilessly for last episode, and even better, the "puppetmaster" has pulled the strings of his own defeat. He saved Shawn two episodes ago only to have Shawn backstab him today. He tried to browbeat the Morgons only to fuel their determination to win. Is there anything on this show that Jon did right?

Trish, in her final words, says that she's still supportive of the Quacks and she hopes one of them wins in the end. "You kept a secret and that's the beauty of this game. You just never know what's going to happen. I knew this, going into the game," she says. "I still consider you guys friends and I think you guys are going into the merge and just kick the Morgans' butt. Thanks for playing with me and I had a great time." Easily the best exit speech ever from a woman who knows how to play this game without involving horrific self-justification and other nonsense. Hagrid can learn from Trish in this.

Next week: the past shall return to haunt them all. Ooo...

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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