SURVIVOR

Pearl Islands Episode 7: What the...? (Part 1)

So, how do you people like the twist? You know, Burnetto getting this marvelous idea to bring back booted Survivors for a chance to get back into the game? I like it from a viewer's point of view because it is something unexpected and fresh (as fresh as "I've stolen this idea from Big Brother 3" can ever be, that is). Anything that throws a wrench into the current two tribes is okay with me. However, I must also say that this episode may be where Survivor jumps the shark. There will always be people questioning the legitimacy of allowing the booted contestants to return. Some contestants may be consulting their lawyers right now to look over their contracts, who knows?

The Twist will taint any booted contestants that return to the game as well. I can't imagine any member of the Jury will make a winner out of the booted contestant, for one, unless this contestant does something really good to change their minds. Unlikely indeed, if the very petty Jury members of the past are any indication. Also, the viewer can challenge the legitimacy of the Outcasts' win in this episode. The current two tribes lack sleep or energy or good food or any combination of the above. Who's to say that the Outcasts aren't fed properly? Sure, Burnetto and Probby can say until the cows come home that these Outcasts are given a strict, limited diet. But they still sleep well on a bed, don't they? Also, away from the game and the pressures of winning, these Outcasts can relax their guard. Mentally, they will be rejuvenated and this is an added advantage for them as well.

And finally, some people are saying that the Challenge is rigged for the Outcasts to win. I am not too sure, as I will explain once I get to the recap, but you can also argue that Burnetto will need the Outcasts to win, or his whole Twist will be an anticlimax. He is gambling a lot on the Outcasts winning and it is naive to assume that he won't try to bend the rules for the Challenges if he could. Heck, the Twist has bent so many rules of the game already!

But it's all good TV, I'll concur to that, and I have genuinely no arguments about the Twist at all. Bring it on, I say, and let's do something this fun again for the next season!

Now on to the recap. Previously blah blah blah credits - bomp. The show has begun. Be quiet, people.

Night eighteen, Quack, an epilogue from last episode's booting of Trish. The camera pans on the Quack banner fluttering forlornly in the night breeze. Hello, retreating crab. Why is the crab retreating? Hagrid's loud "Who the hell voted for me?" may have something to do with it. "Who the hell voted for me?" our new Chairman Mao roars one more time as he stomps across the camp ground. "Jon?" he roars threateningly. There's no question about it: Hagrid is threatening and intimidating Jon Fairplay at this point. It takes only three seconds into the show before the last of my Hagrid love withers away and dies a graceless, pained death.

Jon, with full bravado, says in a timid and choked voice, "I did." He knows bloody well that Hagrid and everyone else knows that he voted for Hagrid.

"What the fuck was that shit?" Hagrid yells at Jon. What the fuck was that, Hagrid? That's Jon, voting for you, as he has every right to do in this game, you psychotic bully. In his interview, Hagrid says that Jon is the "biggest canonball" against him and so he wants to "kill Jon". Jon yells something back that I cannot catch because Hagrid is yelling at the same time. There are a lot of bleeped words that make the whole argument a chaotic mess. All I can surmise is that Hagrid actually makes Jon look like an angel in this scene, because there is nothing more hateful to see on TV than an oversized delusional, hypocritical lunatic with Chairman Mao complex intimidating a fellow contestant for doing what that contestant has every right to do. Unless Burnetto has it written in blood somewhere on the Rule Book that no one can touch Hagrid in the Tribal Council, anyone and his grandma has the right to vote Hagrid off the island if they choose.

I don't care if I'm the only one that finds right now that Hagrid is worse than anyone else on this island. I appoint myself the captain and driver of the Hagrid Hate Express. Come aboard and join me.

Incidentally, Hagrid contributes a lot to me welcoming the Twist later on. Anything that can screw up this man's king complex, especially (my fingers crossed here in hope) the return of Burtman, will make my day.

Back to the argument. Jon is walking away, but Hagrid actually yells, "Damn it, look at me!" and takes up his meaty paw and slaps it on Jon's shoulder to turn the man around so that he can yell at Jon some more. Sheesh. Jon tries to explain just as Hagrid asked, but Hagrid yells him down, saying that Jon is starting s**t again. After yelling at Jon some more, he finally turns away and throws up his hands in disgust, as if he is the wronged party here. Hubby says that he'd enjoy nothing better than to see Jon, at some point in the future, happily hammering the last nail onto Hagrid's coffin. I agree. We both look at each other in horror as we realize that we'd just thrown our empathy to Jon Fairplay - Jon Fairplay, of all people - and we really don't like Hagrid at all. Anymore.

Hagrid's interview - as if he needs any more outlet to vent his delusions. He says that he is "ready to kill Jon". He wants to "grab that little scrawny ass by the neck and pop his head off him like a fucking chicken". In an unintentionally creepy sort of irony, his "Troubled Teens Mentor" tag flashes on the screen just as he makes this gesture of popping Jon's head off. As Jon retreats, Hagrid follows to yell at Jon some more for being an ungrateful little rat because Hagrid catches fish so how dare the "whole tribe" (his own words) turn against him!

Meanwhile, like the three witches of Macbeth, Shawn, Cokecasta, and the snitch Big Sandra warm themselves near the fire and listen to the war of words raging a distance away. Cokecasta says that Trish made a big mistake trying to topple Hagrid. If she still can't see that Trish is right after Hagrid's badly done Chairman Mao kingkong show, she's definitely still on meth and she probably still posts on Usenet under an assumed name. Sandra, as always, agrees with her. Shawn smugly says that Trish doesn't know how to play the game. Shawn is truly a master at this game, as we shall see. It is a fabulous gameplan to kill off your only hope at an alliance to sleep with the very people that can't stand you. Shawn is truly the master of grease and strategy - all hail! Hagrid gives a loud yell. Sandra hushes everyone and tilts her head at the general direction of Hagrid. "Listen," she says.

Things are slowly cooling down between Hagrid and Jon now. Jon says in his interview that he has never seen anyone go off on him like Hagrid did (hubby snorts in disbelief - this is Jon we are talking about, after all) and Jon is certain that Hagrid will kill him. How sad for you, Jon, and how even more sad for Hagrid. Jon vows that he will not forget what Hagrid did to him. And like a fool that just can't stop, now Jon is telling Hagrid that he voted for Hagrid because Hagrid said to vote for whoever that showed signs of jumping ship to the Morgons. When Jon saw that when Hagrid was so chummy with the Morgons, he therefore did what Hagrid asked him to do. Hagrid, however, claims that he said no such thing in the past, and we all know that Hagrid is infallible. Hagrid says that if he wants to jump ships with the Morgons, he would have made the Morgons stronger until the Quacks are "all dead". Which is rubbish, of course, because there was no way Hagrid could stay on and help the Morgons once Probby sends him back. Unless Hagrid grabs Probby's head and pop his head off him like a fucking chicken, I guess.

Jon and Hagrid make up by hugging. They are both as sincere as the goodwill speeches of a beauty pageant. Indeed, in his interview, Hagrid says that he is not finished with Jon yet and he will no longer trust "Jonny Pain In The Ass" now. Well, Hagrid, that's good, because I'm finished with you and as far as I'm concerned, all of you Quacks are stinky flotsams and I will rejoice the day all of you get swept out into the sea and away from my TV screen. I'd rather see the Feuhrer win than to any of you right now.

Day nineteen. The wind is blowing and the Morgon boat is adrift on the waters. A foreshadowing of the future? It begins to rain at the Morgon camp and the camera pans on a leg. Eeuw, it's Osten Powers, yucks, take it away from me. Then the camera turns to Darrah. She has wrapped her buff around her head so that one can see only her face. Yes, her butt is still planted on the shelter floor. Maybe it has grown roots by now.

"Bulls**t rain, go away!" Ryan O sings, and at least, the first happy moment of this episode. He holds up the fishing spear but tells the Feuhrer that the rain will prevent him from fishing today. This is the cue for the Feuhrer to start talking about how the tribe is becoming weak because they lack protein. Well, Ryan O can always stick his spear in the Feuhrer and barbecue Feuhrer for dinner. Lots of protein for everybody! Ryan O stabs at a stingray like an enthusiastic young lad and I feel so jealous of the stingray. Ahem, forget I said that. Alas, the stingray gets away. "It's gone," the Feuhrer says in obvious disapproval. Ryan O turns to look sheepishly at Feuhrer and T&A. The Feuhrer concludes in an interview that the tribe has difficulty catching fish. Yes, it is hard to stand and watch Ryan O try to catch fish and then moan about how hard it is when the man fails to catch any. The Feuhrer wishes that Hagrid is here. I hope poor Ryan O doesn't catch that. I love the Feuhrer's brand of leadership: stand there, watch as everyone else fails, and then moan about tribe morale. I hate everyone on this show except Ryan O, who is too cute to earn my complete disdain. Marry me, Ryan, and I'll buy you lots of fish from the market every morning.

Having failed to catch fish, the Morgons have to settle for some roasted red beans for breakfast. The Feuhrer says that they can only eat so many beans. "Oh, why is that?" Ryan O asks and I don't think he's being facetious. "They suck," the Feuhrer tells him, and Ryan O files away in his mind this nugget of wisdom from his mighty leader for future use. T&A says that they are running low on the rice they took from the Quacks six days ago. Osten says that it is "imperative" that the tribes merge soon because other alternatives like getting their asses off and forage or fish for food are just blooming impossible. Ryan O says that he is glad that Nerd&Shoulders is not here any more because that guy will be an emaciated corpse by now, no doubt. The Feuhrer says that Scoutmarm Lil will not make it either. I marvel at these people: they must be a little psychic to say these things in light of what is coming next. Their timing is impeccable, if nothing else about them is. Except maybe Ryan O wearing a buff around his head and with all that sexy facial hair on his cute boyish face. Grrrrr!

Great, more interview from the Feuhrer. Why is he always talking? This time, he says that the game requires the Survivors to be mentally strong because thinking about the trials and tribulations the inept Morgons are facing will wear them down, as opposed to driving me into delighted laughter. Schadenfraude is underrated. The Feuhrer says in an annoying "I am a messiah" way that he can see that some of the Morgons are crashing and burning. Who else can that be? Cue camera shot of Osten. The Feuhrer says that he can see that Osten has "checked out" (yeah, I can see that, Mr Pointing Out The Obvious - there's one episode a while back devoted to what a loser Osten is). The Fuehrer sighs. "He will rally if we need him," he says. There's a few second dramatic pause before he adds, "hopefully."

If I want into a seminar and I learn that this guy is going to be the speaker, I want my money back, thanks.

There's chest mail at Quack. Hagrid and Shawn walk to retrieve it. The Quacks are mostly certain that the merge is here. Hagrid says that he is not ready to merge yet because he says that the Quacks right now is a "strong tribe". What's to stop this "strong tribe" (that has lost three members in three consecutive Tribal Councils) to take over in the Merge is beyond me. Methinks the idiot just wants to be the boss of everybody and he doesn't want pesky usurpers to challenge his throne. Shawn opens the chest and picks up a bunch of keys with a sheet of paper attached to the keyring. He reads the paper. It turns out to be a call for a Challenge, not an invitaton to merge. The bad poetry talks about being locked together and the losers will be dealt a "painful blow". Then again, if one can survive being locked together in the same cage with Hagrid, Shawn, Sandra, and Jon Fairplay, anything afterwards - eating burning coals, swallowing live snakes, listening to Clay Aiken - will be easy-peasy.

In another rivetting look into the lives of the Quack tribe, now the show decides to allow me a glimpse at how the Quacks fry coconuts, a delicacy that Big Sandra insists to taste like popcorns. Shawn cuts open a coconut and I can feel the blade on my skull, I tell you. I'm bonding with a coconut: I think this show is bad for my mental health. Jon tells Shawn that they shouldn't waste time making popcorns and instead they should... er, Jon doesn't offer any alternatives. Instead, he's just picking a fight with Shawn. As Shawn and Jon hurl childish insults to each other and Hagrid just has to join in, Sandra watches from the sidelines and says that she doesn't care if these people fight, as long as she's not the one that goes in the end. Sheesh, just what this show needs: another InVeeSible.

Sandra and Cokecasta exchange disapproving head-shaking gestures as Shawn tells Jon to stop calling him an ass. Jon, predictably, calls him an ass and adds a few choice bleeped words for good measure. Shawn takes up a twig and breaks it over his raised knee. Too bad the effect is threatening gesture is ruined by the fact that the twig is thin and no doubt brittle as well. Jon screams at Shawn, "Are you threatening me?" More exchange of bleeped arguments, culminating in Shawn telling Jon not to cry, Jon saying he is not crying, and look, Jon's eyes are red and teary. What a cry baby.

The Reward Challenge can't come soon enough. How did the show come to this point, when seeing Probby's face becomes the highlight of this episode? Probby smiles as the tribes file onto their respective mats. Hey, there's a purple mat between the red and blue mats. And there is a cage structure behind each mat. Probby greets them and talks about how the Survibor have come this far and they do this by getting rid of their tribe members, among other things like giving up, killing shelters, staging failed coups, and throwing megalomaniacal tantrums. These booted tribe members are no longer in the game. "But that may soon change," Probby says ominously. "Your past has come back to haunt you!"

And in walk the booted tribe members in the order they are voted off in the clothes they wore when they were booted off. Hello, Nicole's dress. Don't know if she is still wearing that thong though. Hi, Nerd&Shoulders, I love your DIE, JERKS buff. Scoutmarm Lil is swathed in fabrics, a fact that will come into play later in the challenge, and I have tried to replicate her scowl in front of the mirror until my jaw aches but to no avail. Scoutmarm Lil is Very, Very Angry. Hi Burtman. Hi Michelle. Oh look, there's Trish!

The Morgons and the Quacks look more unhappy than shocked, although Ryan O grins in his always easygoing way (I believe he is genuinely affable about this game and life in general, and yes, he's still going to marry me) and T&A is also smiling, although in a slightly uneasy way.

Probby asks the booted castaways the name of their tribe.

"We are the Outcasts," the oh-so-imaginative Burtman says.

Dramatic thump in the background as Probby talks about how pirates that are cast adrift from the crew often die but sometimes they return - like now - for... "Revenge, baby!" Michelle finishes for Probby. She doesn't sound too threatening or even convincing. They should have let Nerd&Shoulders talk instead. "Die, jerks!" has a nice ring to it. Another dramatic thump as the camera focuses on Hagrid's face. Needless to say, he's not happy at all.

Probby goes on to explain how the game will be played from now on. The Outcasts will compete side by side with the Quacks and the Morgons. If Quack or Morgon wins, the other losing tribe will go to Tribal Council and send someone home. If the Outcasts win, both the Quacks and the Morgons will have to go to Tribal Council and send someone home from each tribe. In addition, the Outcasts will then go to Tribal Council to vote someone back into the tribe that has just lost one member. So, regardless of whether the Outcasts win or lose, one (if they lose to the other tribes) or two (if they are the winners of this Challenge) of them will be back in the game at the end of this three-day cycle. Probby says that the Quacks and the Morgons should have no problems defeating the Outcasts since the remaining tribe members are "most worthy" to come this far. Ouch, Probby. Remind me not to cross your path when we are looking for pantyhose and there is only one left on the sales rack. Probby adds that the Outcasts have been eating "limited rations" all this while. As I've said earlier, I doubt the Outcasts' "limited rations" matter when they have better sleeping accommodations. Probby also says that to give the Outcasts a chance at the game, they are immuned from eviction at the next Tribal Council.

The Challenge plays out like this. Each cage is separated into three compartments. One tribe member stands outside the cage. The remaining tribe members are divided up and tied up in each compartment in the cage. When Probby gives the signal, this tribe member will run down the beach to pick up a flag, run back to the cage and then dig the ground until he's burrowed enough to drag himself under and into the cage. He will untie the persons in the first compartment, and then they will also dig and burrow under the cage to the second compartment. Then they will have to assemble a pole from the sticks on the ground, use this pole to snag a key hanging from a stand near the cage, and use this key to unlock themselves into the third compartment. Then all tribe members will have to use more sticks to form a pole to get another key to free themselves from the cage. The winning tribe is the first tribe to get its members and the flag to the finishing mat.

Shawn, Burtman, and the Feuhrer are the runners for their tribes. Upon Probby's "Go!", all of them start running. Burtman soon gets ahead of the others and my, I can watch his behind all day long as he runs. Then the men are digging. Michelle's "Dig, Burt-on!" is particularly loud. Burtman pushes himself under the cage and the camera pans to his crotch. Burtman seems very excited while he's pushing himself under the cage, if you get my drift. Thank you, cameraman. He does this by pushing himself along his back, a technique that Shawn also uses. The Feuhrer, on the other hand, pushes himself forward on his stomach. Those shorts slip, but damn, they slip only enough to show the top half of his butt cheeks from the side profile. The cameraman thoughtfully pans upwards so that the Feuhrer is only visible from waist up. I don't like this cameraman anymore.

Burtman unties Trish, Shawn unties Cokecasta, and the Feuhrer unties Ryan O, in that order. Burtman pushes Trish through the hole they burrowed and a blur has to protect Trish's underwearless dignity from the audience. That is, as much dignity as one can muster when Burtman's hand is pretty much at the center of the blurred region. You go, Burtman! Second base already - or is it third? - woo hoo! Hagrid, Michelle, and Osten are waiting in the second compartment of their respective cages, and soon all free Survivors are assembling their poles. The Outcasts get theirs first, the Quacks second, and the Morgons last. Then it's on to the third compartment and then everybody is assembling poles.

My hubby points out that there are six people on the Outcasts while there are only five on the other teams - he thinks this is unfair as the Outcasts have more hands to help in fixing the poles. I disagree - a sixth member means you have to spend more time releasing the extra person and I don't think the sixth member contributes any significant time bonus to the Outcasts. What I find unfair though is that the Outcasts, especially Scoutmarm Lil came into this Challenge armed with buffs and laces and strings. Lil seems to wearing at least four buffs around her waist alone. They use these extra strings and fabrics to create a much steadier pole out of the twigs they are given. The Morgons and the Quacks' poles break apart at least once early in their attempts to get the key, but the Outcasts' only snaps later, allowing Burtman to drag the key towards the cage instead of having to waste time repairing the pole with his tribemates. The Outcasts and Burnetto swear that the Outcasts are not told of this Challenge beforehand, so I guess Lil brought in so much extra fabric because it's cold. Right?

The Outcasts win! Triumphant music plays as these people start cheering, momentarily forgetting that soon they will have to claw each other's eyes out to get back into the game. I especially love how Nerd&Shoulders pounce on Nicole until the both of them fall onto the floor. Lucky guy, because I doubt he'll ever get Nicole to snuggle up to him in any other situation. Burtman hug both Trish and Scoutmarm Lil. Burtman kisses Lil's cheek, Lil rubs his hair and then rests her chin on Burtman's hairy chest. I don't blame her. It's a very nice chest.

Also great is how Probby walks to the Morgons' cage, where the people are still poking futilely in the air, so to speak, and gets down on one knee to tell them, "It's over." He commends everyone on doing a good job but the two fabrically-challenged tribes are going to Tribal Council, one tribe after the other, tonight. I cheer at the news. The look on Hagrid's face as he sits disconsolately at the ground? Three cheers for the Twist!

Probby asks the Outcasts how they feel because it's a challenge, being voted out and having to spend some time in a nice comfy bed and all in Loser Lodge. Burtman, the obvious leader of the Outcasts, says that revenge is indeed sweet as being booted from the tribe and knowing that you are deemed unworthy by your peers hurt the most. In short, watch out, Quacks - Emperor Burtman is back! Or may be back. I hope he'll be back.

Probby tells the other two tribes what will happen next. First, the Quacks go to the Tribal Council, and when they're done, it's the Morgons' turn. Finally, the Outcasts will go to Tribal Council to determine which two of them will be the lazarus awaken that will take sweet revenge on the tribes that rejected them. Triumphant music reaches a crescendo as the Outcasts cheer and the other two tribes walk home in defeat. Heh heh heh.

Still day nineteen. We're at the Morgon camp now, and the Feuhrer is not happy. He calls the other four members of Morgon and tell them that the "misfits" have no right to be in the game and he wants everybody to look him in the eye and promise to vote the misfit out at the next Tribal Council. Ryan O reminds him that the misfit cannot be voted out at the next Tribal Council. "Is this true?" the Feuhrer demands, and the other three people nod silently. Oops, someone is not paying attention during the Immunity... Reward... well, whatever that Challenge earlier was. Ryan O tells the Feuhrer that they shouldn't be so sad because when the opportunity comes, they will vote out the misfit on a "three-on-two" vote. I don't know how he gets this three-on-two vote thing. I'll have to teach him some maths before we get married, it seems. Never mind, I'm up to challenge.

The Feuhrer says that they need to strategize because he doesn't want any of the misfits to take control of the tribe. It is amusing to note that while Darrah and T&A are looking at the Feuhrer in a "Did a pickle crawl up your ass and die?" way, there is a look of dawning realization across both their faces when the Feuhrer tells them not to fool around with the misfits. In particular, Darrah must be right now making a note in her mental checklist: fool around with misfit and topple majority to gain foothold in tribe. The Feuhrer insists that Nerd&Shoulders has "no right stepping on this beach again" and Lil, "God bless her", doesn't have any either. Um, Feuhrer, they have all the right. They won the Challenge, remember? Burnetto, not you, set the rules, so shut up and sucker up, loser. T&A has it in perspective: she says in an interview that the Feuhrer doesn't want to relinquish leadership in the tribe because he likes being in the driver's seat. Wait until Burtman shows up in Morgon, heh heh heh. I bet that possibility keeps the Feuhrer awake at night.

Osten tells them to vote him out. In what must be the truest words ever spoken by an idiot on this show, he says, "Because I don't deserve to win." His "temple" has nothing to offer, he says, and he is a "bag of atrophy" right now. I have a good laugh listening to him, because I've never heard someone calling himself a temple and a bag of atrophy at the same time. He says that he always give his 110% to everything he does, but right now he can't go on. Anyone that doesn't like it can kiss his ass (no thanks, buddy). He tells the others that it's been a pleasure to know and live with them and call for a hug. It is worth noting that Darrah is reluctant to hug Osten (he has to make the first move) and she positively glows when Osten announces his intention to leave. With Osten leaving, she will move in to fill the vacant slot in the Morgon alliance, and with her closeness to Ryan O, her position within the Morgon ranks has only been strengthened by Osten's leaving.

T&A says that she has nothing more to say to Osten to stop him from quitting. Looks like girlfriend here has seen the light and the light shines on the sign that says, "Osten is a loser". The Feuhrer says that he doesn't blame Osten for quitting, but quitting is something the Feuhrer himself will never consider under any circumstances. The Feuhrer believes that Osten will regret his decision. Yeah, Osten will, when even babies start calling him names in public, "Quitter! Loser!"

Osten sits alone and studies the ocean. And with that, we move on to the more volatile Quacks. I need a strong drink.

A crab runs away on the beach. How many crabs have there been on this episode alone? And why are they all running away? Take me with you, crabbies!

Big Sandra is worried. "Everyone is full of energy," she says of the Outcasts. She is not happy to see the Outcasts because she is worried that Burtman will come back and there will be blood spilled over their Betrayal and Treachery. Heh heh heh, remind me again why I love this Twist so much.

Shawn sits on the shelter floor and lifts his right hand to hold a branch above him. Don't ask.

Cokecasta asks everyone who they think will return. Sandra picks Lil and Burtman. Jon picks Burtman and Michelle. In his interview, Jon says that the Outcasts are losers. The Outcasts are happy to win because, as Jon puts it, the Outcasts are losers all their lives and getting this second shot at the game must be the first time the Outcasts ever been this lucky in life. I don't know what to say, except that I regret that I felt sorry for this guy early on in this episode and I will pay penance by getting Ryan O to give me the spanking I so deserve.

Sandra says that someone has to go home and asks the others who want to leave. Nobody says yes, predictably, and if she expects an answer, she's a bigger idiot that I thought. Hagrid says in his interview that he's not too worried about Tribal Council as he's not in danger. It is Shawn and Jon that are in danger, he clarifies. He's not sure whom he wants to send packing tonight though, even though he has a grudge with Jon for the latter voting him. A grudge that he told Jon earlier was forgiven and forgotten. Which probably didn't happen even if I had in on tape, because as we all know, Hagrid doesn't lie, he doesn't break his word, and he's an honest player that fishes for everyone and if you don't agree, he will wring you by the neck and pop your head off like a fucking chicken.

Now, Sandra thinks it will be soooo funny to ask Shawn and Jon to come and beg, er, "explain" why they shouldn't be booted out tonight. "Let them fight!" she says with glee. Hagrid and Cokecasta giggle - ooh, what a lovely idea! The Hagrid Hate Express leaves at ten, plenty of seats in first class and they are selling out fast, so get your tickets now, people.

Hagrid now calls those two men over. I am amused that Sandra has, without effort, gotten him to do her dirty work for her. Should either Shawn or Jon get on the Jury, who do you think they will blame for this humiliating debacle the 9-to-5 clique put them through? And while we're at it, why doesn't Hagrid just take a gun and start shooting at the two men's legs and order them to dance for the 9-to-5's amusement? He tells them that he's not made up his mind yet who to boot and the two men can now come over and state their case. Sandra tells them not to fight and says that they have two minutes to speak. More seats will be added in the Sandra Spite Compartment and Cokecasta Vomit Carriage to accommodate the sudden increase in demand for choice seats. Jon and Shawn don't even have the dignity to say "fuck off and die" (in this case, I don't think anyone will hold it against them if they do say these words to the three spiteful gargoyles that turn into Raging Asshole Mode when given even a little power in their tribes). Shawn calls Jon a traitor and Jon says he's more hardworking than Shawn. It doesn't matter though. This is just a puppet show for the 9-to-5 clique's amusement and I do hope Hagrid's troubled teens are not watching their mentor turn into a raging, psychotic bully on TV. Jon, in his interview, hopes that Hagrid holds no grudges against him, but he doesn't think so really. Yeah, and neither do I.

Tribal Council time. Probby greets the Quacks as they sit down, "Well, I think the walk in says it all."

"Two days in a row," Hagrid says in his gravel and insincere bass. Stuff it, freak - you've outlived your shelf life and your hypocritical BS is really getting on my nerves. Cokecasta is glad she hasn't made enemies out of anyone at the Outcasts. Sandra says that Burtman's speech makes her fear of his return because he will be very, very driven. You have no idea, Sandra, how much I pray to the dark gods for Burtman to return just to spite you all. She tells Probby that they haven't sure who to vote yet, and as expected, Probby doesn't believe her at all. He prods that spiteful bitch until she reveals that either Jon or Shawn is leaving. Shawn begs the tribe to "wash the slate from the past" and vote for Jon out. "Wash the slate from the past"? Good heavens. Jon says that he cares more about this tribe than himself. I don't think even his mother believes him. Time to vote, and they can all shut up and get lost from my TV screen soon after for the rest of the week. Phew.

Hagrid - Shawn. Cokecasta - Shawn. Sandra - Shawn.

Shawn - Jon. "Jon, I'm voting for you, because like I said before, it doesn't matter what you say here and now. You and I know the truth. Basically you've been backstabbing everyone including myself. So this is why were here again. Goodbye. If it happens that way."

Jon - Shawn. "fuck you!" Now he seems sincere.

Bye bye Shawn. Jon smirks. Probby tells them to look at the bright side: the Morgons are next! Yeah, that will really ease their minds, Probby. Probby adds that soon the Quacks will have a new member and what they do now will "define their destinies". Probby, stop that. You're not making sense anymore.

Shawn's exit words: he wishes that it was a merge, Jon is a backstabber, but hey, what can he do? "Game, set, match," he says with a shrug. Seeing how he himself set the game by voting out his own alliance members of Burtman and Michelle as well as Trish that could save him from Hagrid, the only one check-mating Shawn in this game is Shawn himself. Better luck on The Bachelorette or Joe Millionaire, loser!

Thunder. Rain. The Morgons. I think they are all related in a karmically vague way. Looking at the sodden Morgons and not so dry himself, Probby remarks that the Quacks' Tribal Council took place under better weather conditions. Then they all talk. The Feuhrer talks about how Osten wants to quit. Probby turns his attention to Osten. "You've had enough, Osten?"

Osten says that his body is exasperated. Yeah, his body and the rest of the world as well.

Probby asks the Feuhrer what he thinks of the game. Has this game helped him find out what he is made of? The Feuhrer vaguely agrees in his roundabout corporate boardroom style, saying that one's body shuts down because the mind can't take any more of the stress. Probby turns back to Osten and asks Osten if the man thinks that the Feuhrer's words have any merit. Osten calls his body a car. First a temple, now a car. Apparently the car is out of gas. Probby brings up Burtman and his speech during the Challenge. Doesn't that speech send off any twinge of conscience in Osten's mind? No. Osten insists that his car is running on empty.

Probby now asks T&A what she thinks is wrong with Osten as Osten has been wanting to quit since the second episode. T&A says that Osten is not willing to risk his health. She does say that she will keep on going until she's dead. Probby then turns to Darrah and points out that she's become so thin that she's falling out of her top. No, try harder at pretending to be straight, Probby, and maybe then will the tranny, Ryan Seacrest, and Colby rumors come to an end. Darrah says that she will not quit - "you all are going to carry me away because I am not going to leave until I have to". Ooh, is that mortician humor? It's kinda funny. And don't ask how long it took for me to decipher her words. It's too long, that's all I can say. Ryan O tells Probby that he won't quit either, but magnanimously adds that Osten can do what he wants to do.

Probby clarifies that he is not picking on Osten - Osten cuts in to say that he doesn't mind - but since all the other Morgons have said that they will not quit no matter what, Probby wants to know if Osten still wants to quit after listening to his tribemates. Osten says that he is not quitting, he is just "stopping". I guess to some people there's a difference between those two in this situation. Osten repeats that he thinks the health of his temple/car/waste of Steroidal flesh/whatever is more important than a million dollars and that the "means" does not justify the "ends". Maybe this guy should leave - he can't be mentally stable if his speech is getting garbled up like that.

Probby takes a deep breath and delivers the coup de grace. "Let me ask you something, Osten: have you ever wondered what the hell you're doing out here?"

Osten talks about how he wanted to give himself a shot at this game so that he will not spend the rest of his life wondering about what-if's. Of course, now he will wonder what if he's not such a whiny loser, but that's another story and one I don't care to find out. Probby asks the Feuhrer for his opinion. Gee, Probby cares way too much about the Feuhrer's opinion. Colby will be so jealous, the poor man. The Feuhrer says that quitting will bring about its own what-if thingies as well but he will not pretend to know what it feels like to walk in Osten's shoes. Or something. I don't think I can translate this man's corporate boardroom shark style of speaking any more without bursting a blood vessel in the head.

"Well, Osten, I don't pretend to know what you are thinking either," Probby tells Osten. He goes on to say that he has attended so many Tribal Councils but this is the first time someone wants to "lay down the torch". Not true, there are contestants in the past that wanted to quit, the most recent being Shameless Shawna and Jabba during last season, so Probby is exaggerating here. He gets confirmation from the other four Morgons that their decision to let Osten go is unanimous. Well, if that's the case, Probby says, there's no point in wasting time any more. He asks Osten to get his torch. "Per your wishes, Osten," he says as he lifts that torch snuffer, "go home!"

The world cheers. It's time for balloons, free-flow champagne, sex orgies, and doves flying in the sky. Osten is gone, Probby sent him home after a through raking through hot coals - someone declare this day a public holiday for everybody! Thank you, Probby - thank you!

Probby puts Osten's torch on the ground and turns to the rest of the Morgons. "With all due respect to Osten" - read that as "none at all" - "people worked too damned hard to get in this game and fight to stay alive." He says that Osten's leaving may be the best thing that can happen to Morgon (aside from Lil or Nerd&Shoulders returning and sending the Feuhrer into apoplexy) and he promises that Morgon's "new" member will want to be in the game. He doesn't add though, "and kill all of you because all of them hate your guts!"

The Morgons leave. I see Ryan O removing his hand from where it has been holding Darrah's hand all this while and I compose a hate mail to Darrah. Then, mortified, I quickly burn the letter before my shame is exposed to the world. Probby promises that the Outcasts' Tribal Council is next and the words "To be continued..." flash on the screen. Burnetto, I don't know if you notice this after six seasons, but every episode of this show is a continuation from the last.

Osten gets no final words. I wonder whether he will be invited to the Reunion show after the finale.

Who comes back next week? Stay tuned!

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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