SURVIVOR

Pearl Islands Episode 9: Swimming with Sharks

This episode is good. Life is good. Hagrid is gone at last, and maybe now people will remember that there are other Survivors on this show. Unfortunately, the aftermath will see Hagrid fans masquerading as journalists and columnists trumpeting about how Hagrid is the most noble and pure and of course the best Survivor ever. If they cannot see how Burnetto has humiliated Hagrid thoroughly this episode, they are either as delusional as Hagrid or they clearly have high school issues that they channel irrationally onto Hagrid. Come on, I have high school issues too with popular and nasty kids, but does that mean I must be blind to Hagrid's faults? And what kind of troubled teen counselor acts like a bully like Hagrid anyway? But let's not have these losers spoil this great episode. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Hagrid Collapses Like A Hundred Tonne Goliath Fool, book your priority seats.

Probby: "Previously - " Whatever. You can read the recap yourself. Shut up, Probby. Burnetto, bring on the credits. Cokecasta is such an ugly wretch, isn't she?

Night twenty four, an epilogue to Ryan O's booting. Ooh, snake! A storm is brewing. Creepy music plays as a long snake slithers across the camp in a trail hammered into it by the snake trainer whom Burnetto paid ten US dollars to teach Homer the Snake here. Homer pause before Cokecasta that is sleeping on the shelter and then gives her a pass as it slithers away off-camera into its warm basket that it calls home.

Thunder! Lightning! Hagrid is awake. He pokes at the dying embers of the fire as he talks about how night time is the worst time for him. He doesn't explain why though, but I suspect it's because everyone's asleep and nobody's there to stoke his ego.

Lightning! Thunder! He goes on to talk about how he wishes that he can go without sleep until the end of the game. Thunder! Lightning! Burnetto must be trying to channel Hagrid as some Zeus fellow, with all that overdoing that storm and snake imagery thingie, but truth is, he only makes Hagrid look positively deranged here.

Lightning! Thunder! Burnetto getting a kick on the hiney from yours truly because the whole thunder and lightning thing is becoming annoying! Hagrid is now walking along the beach. I suspect that he and the cameraman must have deliberately set this whole nonsense up just to make this show even more of The Hagrid Show. He tells the camera that he misses his wife and kids. And then he starts talking to his wife. I'm not surprised that the subject of conversation revolves around how Hagrid is the best Survivor ever. "I am It!" he declares to his imaginary wife. Then he nods, maybe listening to his imaginary wife chiding him in the head, and mutters that he shouldn't be this arrogant, yes. Did someone order a large slice of deranged on Pearl Islands? Let's not even go into the discussion on Hagrid being the Best Survivor Ever, of which he is - only in his own head and in those of his delusional fan club, that is. How can you be the Best Survivor Ever when your strategy involves bullying and ruling through fear while expecting everyone to let you win just because you can catch fish? What is this? Survivor Minnow Island - Outfish, Outangle, Outcatch?

Hagrid goes on to show some love to Cokecasta and Sandra, and the camera pans on those two gargoyle witches asleep. Then Hagrid says that he always tries to direct what happens on the Bobo Camp (translation: tremble before Hagrid!) while being aware of what is going on around him. This arrogant statement, of course, is meant to be a form of irony, as we shall soon see how little Hagrid knows about or is in control of in this place. "I try to direct everyone's actions while keeping myself grounded and aware of what is going on around me," he says, "not settling ever for anything but first and letting everybody here realize that they are finishing in places of honor; to build them up to be a winner and still lose."

That's a sick speech. Firstly, the idea that someone will say something like this without rehearsing it in his head is bad enough. I suspect that Hagrid has rehearsed this speech, maybe planning to unleash it on the Final Tribal Council, so that makes him even more of a sad minger. How can someone be this... egostical?

More thunder, more lightning, and I am really starting to feel spooked. Then the camera pans on Hagrid sleeping on a rock. That guy's marbles are falling off his bag. What a sad loser.

It's a better morning on day twenty-five as the storm has cleared. Cokecasta passes a bottle of wine to Hagrid as she calls him "baby" in that sickening little girl voice of hers. After Hagrid's Poseidons Of The Demented act the night before, I seriously question the wisdom of letting Hagrid get his grubby paws on alcohol, but hey, it's Cokecasta we are talking about here.

Jon opens his eyes in disgust from where he is sleeping. In his interview, he says that those two's baby-baby-baby talks are making him sick and how strange it is that I am tuning into the same frequency as Jon for two episodes in a row now. Irony does play a big part on this season, doesn't it? He says that "absolute power" has corrupted Hagrid, Sandra, and Cokecasta and now they feel that they are invulnerable to everything. He goes on to say that he and Burtman have had a talk and they realize that staying with the 9-to-5 clique means that the two men will be "fourth and fifth" (he never says who will be fourth and who will be fifth, heh). So it's time that Jon and Burtman take matters in their own hands. Eeuw, I just put "Jon" and "take matters in their own hand" in the same sentence. I feel so unclean now.

Jon and Burtman collect water together. Or rather, Burtman is collecting water while Jon stand by and talk. They talk about the obvious matters like how they need T&A and Darrah to help them and Lil break the 9-to-5 clique apart. In his interview, Jon says that he is in a great position as he has two options here - Plan A will be he going with the 9-to-5 clique upon which he'll be expected to be happy with fourth place, or Plan B where he will go to with Burtman and thereon, all bets are off and he can "knock a grand slam" if he has the chance. "Screw you," he says to Plan A. Oh, Hagrid, I don't think people like your idea of "losing in honor".

Burtman in his own interview says that Hagrid's plan is high risk but also "high yield" (maybe it will help if I remind you that Burtman is in sales). He worries about getting found out by the 9-to-5 clique, which is understandable as Hagrid will go off like a volcano on anyone that dares threaten his sense of self-entitlement. He then wonders when he will have the chance to tell T&A and Darrah of this new plan of his, Jon, and Lil. He should expect no problems from getting the two women's support, as T&A and Darrah will really need this alliance to last any longer in this game.

The opportunity arises later that morning when Hagrid announces that he's going fishing. This is after he hands over an empty water container to Lil like some pasha ordering a too-old harem girl to dispose of it, that pig. He says to the camera that he is such a great guy to catch fish for everybody because any lesser being than Santa Hagrid will just catch fish and eat them himself. I hope he's not expecting to be canonized anytime soon. He goes to fish and sees a tiny shark, which he then says he wants to kill really, really bad. Whatever. Nobody cares, not when there's much more exciting stuff going back there at Camp Bobo.

Big Sandra and Cokecasta decide to go off to do whatever it is they want to do, stupidly leaving Burtman, Lil, and Jon alone with T&A and Darrah. This is the chance Burtman seizes. As Lil sits beside Darrah and T&A on the shelter floor, sewing some pants, Burtman tells Darrah and T&A of the new plan. Jon helps to explain how tight the 9-to-5 clique is and how they must all band together and act now or They Will All Be Going Home, Ugh Ugh Ugh. They will target Hagrid, but should Hagrid win Immunity, they will target Cokecasta. Lil chimes in that the 9-to-5 clique is expecting her, Jon, and Burtman to agree with them to target Darrah, as if T&A and Darrah need any more encouragement to side with the Burthound Gang here. Lil adds with what may be a hint of self-awareness that she's just going to fob off the 9-to-5 clique by playing the bumbling self-depreciating dotty lady like always. Heh. T&A and Darrah of course agree to join the Burthound Gang and everything start pumping fists and hugging. Except Lil, who quickly runs to the back of the shelter to put down her sewing and then run back to belatedly punch fists with everybody. Hee. Darrah says that she is glad to be given a reprieve because she is so sure that she is going. "Who is this woman?" hubby asks. I don't know what to say.

Hagrid comes back from his fishing trip. Aw, he didn't catch the shark. Wait, maybe you didn't catch Burnetto's Heavy Anvil Of The Day: Hagrid didn't catch the shark. He swam with a shark and he didn't catch the shark. He's going down people. Burnetto is such a subtle fellow, I tell you. Hagrid makes a move that suggests that he is unlacing his skirt as he walks back to camp, and I get ready to look away, but thankfully, the skirt stays on. Normally, if it's, say, Burtman doing the unlacing, that will be me with my eyes pressed right against the TV monitor glass as I howl at that man to take it all off, but since this is Hagrid, ugh. Hagrid says that he never gives up and he never surrenders. And he never shuts up either.

Day twenty-six. Lil reads aloud the latest Reward Challenge missive and it's something about running on a ship. A reference to The Titanic, perhaps? Burtman is sure that he will win it if it involves running or other athletics - promises, promises - and he expects to pass the reward to Hagrid if he wins, as a repayment for last episode's Reward Challenge. Hagrid says that Burtman has promised him this Reward if Burtman wins as a repayment of Hagrid giving Burtman "my breakfast, my wonderful breakfast". Man, I hate people that talk about themselves and their things in an overly-decorous and self-aggrandizing manner and Hagrid is running for the grand prize: my unbending dislike. Hagrid seems to have forgotten already that there is actually no debts left between Burtman and he. He gave that "wonderful breakfast" to Burtman in return for Burtman giving him the Mattel Sabre the previous episode. I bet he doesn't remember or care to. Hagrid goes on to say that Burtman and he are doing this to keep their alliance united. The things this man says to justify his own delusional megalomaniac sense of self-entitlement - sheesh.

Probby Oh Probby greets the Survivors as they walk into the clearing. This time, there's a big mock-up pirate ship nearby which will be this Challenge's setting. Probby asks the Survivors to team up in pairs. Two teams will go at one time, running through obstacle courses to complete the final task first. The obstacle race is reenacted by a very weird-looking body double of Burtman, by the way. The two fastest teams will compete for today's Reward: an "adventure" on a fishing boat where the winners can fish (and keep what they catch, of course), eat pizza, and drink beer. Yes, that's an "adventure" alright.

First heat, it's the Demi-Ashton couple Lil and Burtman versus Darrah-Cokecasta, the Accents Of The Damned team. Lil is slow and so is Darrah, but Burtman is the fastest of them all so the Demi-Ashton team triumphs over the Accents Of The Damned in net-crawling, rope-swinging, whatever bell ringing challenge. Next heat, it's Hagrid and Jon in the Huge And Mini team versus T&A and Sandra of the Skinny And Broad team. Sandra is really hopeless so despite T&A's really athletic and fast performance, it's Huge And Mini bagging this round.

Next, Demi And Ashton versus Huge And Mini. Hagrid trips at one point and blurred pixels suggest that he's not wearing anything under that skirt. It's a big blur, but unfortunately, the location of the pixels suggest that it's a big ass instead of a big... you know. Anyway, there is one additional obstacle course here, and that's the puzzle solving thing where they must arrange jigsaw pieces to form the skull and crossbow pirate insignia. Hagrid and Jon have problems though and not even Hagrid's pounding a piece onto the table in some attempt to fit the puzzle no matter what can stop Burtman and Lil from catching up and soon winning the Challenge. Lil is so happy that she hugs Burtman and plants a big whopper on his lips. Burtman pushes her away, telling him, "Quit doing that, Lil!" and we Giggles crack up laughing. You know, a Lil and Burtman elopement at the end of this season will be great. Just think of the Reunion!

In what seems to be a new practice this season, Probby asks Lil and Burtman whether they want to give their Rewards away. Lil quickly says that she's hanging on to her Reward. Burtman, however, says that he'll let Jon have the Reward. Uh oh, Hagrid looks angry. Then again, I don't blame Burtman. Lil is a loose cannon - nobody would risk letting her be with Hagrid on that boat with no one else keeping an eye on them, not when Lil seems to be more dotty and harmless than anything. How Lil came to play a key role in votes when she is a lousy and transparent player, I will never know. But like Jon said, it's all about the irony. He should know. He's going on a date with Lil.

As the Bobos walk back to camp, Hagrid is on full-blown whine mode. He says that this Reward is not "fun" because, I guess, he lost. "Painful! Painful! Painful!" he says theatrically. Along the way, he's giving Burtman the evil eye. Burtman tells the camera that he doesn't want Hagrid to win because he wants to tire Hagrid out until Hagrid can't perform well during the Immunity Challenge. How this applies to Hagrid and not Burtman as well, since they're both exhausted and not eating pizza and beer, I have no idea. Maybe he expects the Burtman Gang to cover his back should he loses Immunity. Or maybe Hagrid will get tired because at night he talks to invisible people about what a wonderful Survivor he is before humping away at a rock while Burtman sleeps with an adoring Lil's cheek rested on his mighty hirsute chest.

Burnetto continues the humiliating Hagrid Goes Crazy show by now showing Hagrid murdering a coconut, his eyes wild and red as he shows Cokecasta the coconut and tells her, "This is the outside. This stinks of rot and death. There is just so much rot and death here!" I don't know about death, but there's plenty of rot already, and it all comes from Hagrid. He says that he doesn't feel so secure anymore now that Burtman and Lil refuse to give him their prizes. Oh, so now he expects people to hand him their rewards that they have won fair and square? It must be tough to live in Hagrid's kingdom where everyone is expected to cater to his ego day and night. It's like something Jonathan Swift will write about, only while that Hagrid may be big, he's actually a puny lily Liliputian in the inside. He continues to murder the coconut, his words causing no doubt as to whom he is imagining he is cutting open with his machete. "Scum!" he mutters. "Bastard is going down! Play with the whales! Rot! Bastard!" he goes in some hard to catch litany. Where are the men in white coats when we need them? "Last goddamned thing I give to Burton! Except my vote!" he continues to mutter like a big pathetic baby. "Rot! Death! Bastard!" It's pretty funny and I have a good laugh at his expense, but seriously, Hagrid is acting like a big bratty baby and it's not well-done of him at well.

T&A and Darrah are working around the camp and T&A is whispering about how they are all dependent on Hagrid to catch fish, but maybe it's a good idea to vote him off after all. Lil approaches Hagrid and in her own pathetic way, apologizes to Hagrid for not letting him have the Reward. "You won, you should go," Hagrid tells her and I would bet all I have that he knows his saying that will only make Lil feel worse. Sandra, standing beside Hagrid, adds in her bitchsnitch voice, "What's done is done." Excuse me? So Bitch and Baby here expect Lil to hand over the reward to Hagrid? Why should she? Who the hell do Hagrid and Sandra think they are?

Lil, who is also fast becoming as pathetic as Hagrid, only in a more sympathetic way, is close to tears in her interview as she talks about how she regrets not giving Hagrid her Reward. She walks along the beach with Jon whom she has bonded with despite all odds, and tells him tearfully that she is a bitch. And thank God for that, he tells her. It's strange, really, but in that context, I can't help feeling that what Jon said is actually what he should have said. Lil tells him not to bring God into this, and adds that she should have given Hagrid her Reward because Hagrid fishes for the Bobos and he "deserves" it. Jon shrugs and tells her that what she did is no big deal, really. She wails that she doesn't want to make anyone angry and Sandra is giving her dark looks. Jon hugs her and she seems placated a little. Lil, I like you, but listen to me: you need help. And Jon, I must say, may not be that bad a guy after all. I still don't want to be in the same neighborhood as him, but now, he's not that bad at all. Lil confides in her interview that she has never taken any vacations and when she has a chance to get on that "pretty fishing boat" The Cavalry, she cannot help but to seize the opportunity to do so. And why shouldn't she? If anything, Hagrid and Sandra should be ashamed for bullying Lil into tears for something Lil has all the right to do. It is okay to feel disappointed, but to take it out on an insecure nervous wreck like Lil, man, that's really low.

Jon has managed to shake off Lil and now he is talking to Burtman in a private pow-wow. Burtman talks about the importance of their alliance if they both want to advance. Jon tells him that there is no way the each of them can win if they take anyone else with them to the Final Two. He's right, I must say. Burtman stands a chance only if he's there in the Final Two with a perceived rat, like Jon, or a fellow Outcast, like Lil, with Lil being handicapped by the fact that she's not as good at playing the game or providing for the tribe like Burtman. Demi and Ashton and the Rat all need each other despite their being very different people. Meanwhile, Sandra is sneaking about and listening to them in the bushes. How she can sneak around with a cameraman behind her and can still be overlooked by Jon and Burtman, I don't know, but she manages to hear some choice portions of their conversations. Something tells me that sneaking around to eavesdrop on people is something this bitchsnitch does very often in real life. Sandra quickly relays what she has learned to Hagrid. Apparently she believes that Jon and Burtman have a secret alliance and they are trying to recruit Lil to their darkside. Hagrid nods and tells her not to worry. Lil talks to him every morning, he says, and Lil will tell him everything. How delicious! This is the second time someone says that Lil is a dotty and sweet old lady incapable of lying - the Feuhrer said it and now Hagrid is assuming the same. Two men down because of the dotty and always truthful Lil. Jon, come over here and tell me again about irony, you evil moppet you.

It's time for Jon and Lil to go on their day of adventure. Everyone gathers to watch the gruesome twosome leave, with Hagrid voicing over that he hopes that Lil will look him in the eye and report to him everything Jon tries to tell her at the end of the day. Sure she will, Hagrid. "To the Final Three!" Lil says as she shares a toast with Jon on the boat. Yes, Hagrid, she will tell you everything. Jon tells her that yeah, see, she's glad she didn't give up the "bad boy" prize to Hagrid. Lil looks briefly uncertain, pondering at the "rammifications" of her actions. Jon assures her that there will be no rammifications. He will let her know all about the details of their Final Three plan until she has no more doubts or questions in her mind. Lil says that he may have to repeat the details to her a few times before she gets everything. Quit that self-depreciating act, Scoutmarm, and I mean it. Quit it now. Jon talks about getting rid of Hagrid and if Hagrid is Immuned, they'll get rid of Cokecasta. (Personally, if you ask me, Sandra is the more poisonous of the two women. I'd get rid of her first.) Lil worries about feeling guilty, upon which Jon tells her that she must leave her conscience at the door if she wants to play this game. She nods weakly.

"Are you happy?" he asks after a brief moment of silence.

"Yes."

"You should be. You're in the Final Three." Jon smiles.

Pizza and beer are served. Lil is cheered at the sight of food and says that she is easily excited by simple things. Which is Jon's cue to say that he needs to date more women like her. Lil chuckles and rests her head on his shoulder. This is probably where I will throw up and sue Burnetto for Disgusting Me Beyond Reason, but the thing is, I'm no longer repulsed by Jon. I even kinda find him... cute. It's amazing what hypocrasy from other holier-than-thou Survivors can do to make honest loathsome behavior attractive in comparison. God, this show is destroying my brain cells. I hope I am still sane when the finale rolls in.

Later, Jon admires himself in the mirror and remarks on how good looking he is. "Good looking" in this case refers to "at least the glass doesn't crack" kind of "good looking", that is. Lil, on the other hand, has gotten herself on what is best described as a Scoutmarm Dominatrix Skirt. She strikes a pose by the sails and announces to the world, "I am the Scoutmaster!" Jon says that she is drunk. It could be worse. At least Lil doesn't wave a giant trout over her head and scream, "By the power of Greyskull, I am She-Ra!" Anyway, she insists that she's had only three-quarters of a beer. Jon still says that she's drunk.

Now they are trying to fish. Lil asks what she should do when she catches a fish. Jon tells her to reel it in. She nods. And she says what may be the Anvil Of The Season should she end up the winner: "I'd really like to bring something home." If you remember Jabba from Amazon saying in the first episode that she wanted to win so that the boys would shut up, you will understand where I am coming from when I say that Burnetto has given us a big clue here - that is, if Lil ends up the winner. The camera shows a beautiful sunset, which is the show's way of telling us that the adventure has ended and it's now time to go home.

It is dark when Lil and Jon finally reach Camp Bobo. Burtman, Sandra, and Hagrid are waiting. They are disappointed when Lil and Jon come back empty-handed. What do you expect when drunkards try to fish? It doesn't take long before Hagrid grabs Lil aside for the interrogation. They lay down on the shelter floor side by side as Hagrid slurs that she will get to the Final Two if she sticks with him. Hmm, didn't Hagrid promise Shawn that the latter will get to the Final Two as well, and that was just the week before he booted Shawn out? Hagrid voices over that he is worried that Jon will lure Lil over to the darkside. It's quite funny actually - Lil and Burtman lured Jon to the darkside, not the other way around. Lil whispers some reassurances that she's sticking with the 9-to-5 clique and while she's an awful liar, Hagrid is too full of himself to notice anything amiss. He voices over that he's satisfied that Lil is still with them as Lil is "whole-hearted" and he could kiss and hug Lil because Lil is with him. Uh, yeah. Hagrid kisses her hand and turns his back to Lil to sleep and Lil looks up, her expression screaming "Ohmigod, I lied, I'm so going to hell for this." She really is an awful liar. But she still manages to pull wool over Hagrid's eyes, which says a lot about Hagrid's actual prowess as a Survivor.

It's day twenty-seven and the show wastes no time in showing the Survivors walking into yet another clearing for the Immunity Challenge. This week's Challenge is again another one of those Challenges where the person targetted has no chance to save him or herself. But it's still better than last week's "Shove A Coconut Up Yours" Challenge because if people want you out, they need some skill in blowing darts to get you out. Probby gestures towards a large dart board divided into equal-area pie-chart area, each area for each Survivor. First, a Survivor has to hit his own area to obtain a "killer" status. Then, he can shoot a dart at any Survivor's area and if he hits the target, the target Survivor loses one to three "lives", depending on the location of the area where the dart blower hits his target. A Survivor has three "lives". Once these "lives" are used up, he's out of the game. If this targetted Survivor is a fellow "killer", he loses his "killer" status first before his "lives".

Lil misses. T&A misses, "Oh, that sucks!" Darrah misses. Jon misses. Probby asks Hagrid to step up and "show how it's done" and sure enough, Hagrid strikes his own area on the board and becomes a killer. Burtman gets killer status as well. Sandra misses. Cokecasta hits Sandra's area, but that doesn't count.

Next round, Lil, T&A, and Darrah miss. Jon becomes a killer. Hagrid takes out two of Darrah's "lives". What an idiot - he knows Jon and Burtman are plotting against him and here he is taking out Darrah. Burtman takes out one of T&A's "life". Sandra becomes a killer. Cokecasta still can't aim.

Third round. Lil, T&A, and Darrah still can't aim properly. Jon takes out Cokecasta completely with a bullseye aim straight at three, with a cheerful "Sorry, my bad!" to Cokecasta as she gives him the evil eye and takes her seat. Hagrid takes out two more of Darrah's "lives", sending Darrah to join Cokecasta at the sidelines. Burtman steps up and delivers the coup de grace - taking out Hagrid's killer status and two of his "lives" with a well-aimed blow. See, Hagrid? Brutus has struck. Et tu? Tu, you silly tu-ing fool! Sandra takes out Hagrid's last "life" and puts on a shocked expression as she presses one hand to her forehead. Is she pretending to be shocked? Is her action deliberate? I won't be surprised if the snitchbitch is faking it. Hagrid, stunned and horrified that he's not winning this like he knows he's supposed to, sits down at the sidelines.

Fourth round. It's official: Lil and T&A can't blow to save their lives. Burtman takes out two of T&A's "lives" - she's out. Jon misses. Sandra misses.

Fifth round. Lil misses. Burtman takes out Sandra's killer status and two of her "lives". Sandra takes out Burtman but since she's not a killer, it doesn't count as anything more than a futile "Yeah, screw you too!" gesture from her. Jon misses.

Sixth round. Lil misses. I think we can establish a pattern here. Burtman takes out Sandra. Yup, we can establish a pattern alright. Jon misses. Patterns, people, patterns!

Seventh round. Lil misses. Burtman takes out Jon.

Eighth round. "We're down to a familiar couple," Probby announces. Lil misses. Burtman takes out two of her "lives". Ninth round. Lil misses. Burtman delivers the coup de grace ("Oh my heart!" Lil says) and he wins Immunity and makes the gay community love him even more after this show. Lil hugs Burtman. Usually I'd say that this is probably because Lil has nothing to lose with Burtman winning Immunity, but I suspect that Lil, bless her heart, will hug Burtman anyway because it's just nice old Lil doing her thing. She is nice and she tries not to lie. She just needs a snake to guide her into doing it for her own good. Lucky for her, she has Jon and Burtman. Indeed, Jon is smiling at the sidelines, a nice contrast to Cokecasta's furious expression. Hagrid looks devastated. Well, that fool asked for it. He could have taken out Burtman first, but no, he wasted everything on Darrah. He's the best Survivor ever indeed. Heh.

Okay, this is the point of the show where Burnetto stops being a smart guy and turns into a drama queen. He shows a scene of a lizard, still alive, being swallowed by a snake. Hmmm, I wonder what that scene is supposed to symbolize, other than PETA's upcoming ad campaign against Burnetto.

Meanwhile, the Bobos are walking back from the Immunity Challenge, and Hagrid has Sandra in his arms as they walk side by side. He voices over that the Challenge "pissed the hell" out of him because he's "clearly" the best dart-blower in the tribe. How does he know that? What an arrogant blow-hard of a sore loser. He adds that Sandra didn't hit him intentionally - it was an accident - but he suspects that Burtman knew what he was doing. Yes, Hagrid, Burtman knows what he is doing. Welcome to reality, O Omnipotent One, so glad you can join us before the show ends in fifteen minutes. Meanwhile, nearby, Burtman and Jon go through their plan one more time to confirm the booting of Hagroid and shake hands before parting ways. In his interview, Jon talks about how happy he is that Hagrid is going home. He has promised Hagrid not to vote for him, but he adds that promises are meant to broken on this game as fast as "a fat woman sitting on wicker furniture". It will be funny if it isn't all wrong. Shouldn't the furniture break instead of the fat woman? Jon, you need help. And since I actually find myself liking him this episode, I think I'll join him in getting help.

Snake keeps swallowing lizard. I still don't get it. What does all this mean?

Hagrid and Lil are walking along the beach. They are collecting seashells. At least, that's what I gather from Lil asking him about what needs doing around the camp and he telling her to collect seashells. In her interview, Lil says that Burtman and Jon keep reminding her that she has to get rid of Hagrid, but it grieves her to aid in his leaving as she really loves that fellow. Yeah, yeah, whatever, you can assuage your grief with Burtman once Hagrid is gone. I'll be happy for the both of us. Get rid of the asshole, Lil!

Now Hagrid is talking to Burtman and Jon as they walk down the beach. He tells them that T&A and Darrah need to go so that those two ladies won't interfere in Hagrid's Plan To Be Number One. It's tough selling a plan to other people, a plan that will benefit no one but Hagrid himself, but hey, that's Hagrid. His balls are big enough to fill up the empty space in his head. Hagrid says in his confessional that he's noticed that Darrah is resigned to leaving and that she has everything packed up already. He says that he has Lil, so if Jon and Burtman defect towards the Morgon women, he will still have three people with him and tonight's vote will be a tie. Back at the beach, Hagrid asks the other two men to punch fists with him and his two hags because it's the "Five" all the way, baby. Look, there's the iceberg, Hagrid. Full speed ahead, that's right, Hagrid.

Sandra, in her confessional, says that there's a possibility that Burtman and Jon will defect, but she can't see that happening until the two other Morgon women are gone. It's the Five all the way, she reiterates. Yes, full speed ahead indeed.

The snake has swallowed the lizard completely. I must say, the whole allusion thingie still eludes me. This overly complex show makes Dante's Inferno look like a Peter and Jane nursery read in comparison. Burnetto should seriously consider reducing the high degree of complexity and references to vague religious literature for the next season.

Night falls, marking Tribal Council time. Firstly, Probby brings in Ryan O and... and... hey, who is this blandie? Without that beard, Ryan O looks just like a short, cute, but rather unremarkable lad. He really should grow that stubble of his if he's serious about winning my affections. Then it's chit-chat time. When prodded by Probby, Sandra announces that the tribe cannot do without Hagrid because Hagrid gives them fish. She says that they will all have died without Hagrid, which is a lie because they can always barbecue this bitchsnitch for protein if they are too lazy to fish for themselves. Sandra points out that Burtman caught them only a stingray while Hagrid caught more fish for them. If she loves him so much, why don't we leave that bitchsnitch with her ogre emperor on this island and move the whole show to the old Morgon camp or something? Lil, affronted by the bitchsnitch's slurring her boyfriend Burtman, tells Probby in what may be the most direct statement she's ever made on this show that while Hagrid can fish, he's not the only person in Camp Bobo who can. Probby asks Burtman whether he and Hagrid are in some competition to be the only alpha male. Burtman says no, Hagrid is a better provider than he is. Hagrid smiles. Burtman adds that should Hagrid or Burtman be struck by lightning, however, the camp will still go on as usual. Hagrid stops smiling.

Sandra rips Jon for being lazy, saying that he sleeps until noon and she has never seen him work. Sandra has a history of contradicting herself on this show and she has done so again. Wasn't she the one praising Jon for giving Shawn a wake-up get-to-work call only a few episodes ago? She's so desperate to save her overlord that it's pathetic and transparent. Jon shrugs everything off. "It's all about her, man," he tells Probby, leaving Sandra to shake her head furiously but without any rejoinder to his rebuttal of her baiting him.

Darrah says she's not surprised should she leave. She'll be disappointed, but not surprised. "Is this the same woman that gave one sentence in that strange accent earlier on?" hubby asks me.

It's time to vote.

Cokecasta walks to the voting booth. As she passes Ryan O, he glares daggers at her. I think I know why they dislike each other. Ryan O has hinted that Cokecasta is very rude around the camp and last week, there is an argument between these two (not shown on TV, shown only on Survivor Insider) where Cokecasta accused Ryan O long and hard of stealing some oranges from the Bobo stash. Episode 10's Survivor Insider will reveal that it is Sandra that stole these oranges along with other food stuff when no one else is looking. Another reason to hate the bitchsnitch Sandra. Anyway, the Coke Monster votes for Darrah.

Sandra - Jon. Hmm, either she's very confident that Darrah is leaving to throw her vote to Jon or she's playing a game. Time will tell, I guess.

Hagrid - Darrah. He says that a Morgon has to go tonight and both T&A and Lil worked harder than Darrah, so Darrah's the one leaving.

Burtman - Hagrid.

T&A - Hagrid.

Jon - Hagrid. Quoting the wrestler Ric Flair, he says, "To be the man, you've gotta beat the man. Woo!"

Darrah - Hagrid. Since this show rarely allows her to speak, I think I'll be nice and insert her confessional here. According to Survivor Insider, this is what she says: "I am voting for you because there is no longer a Drake alliance no more and I know you're going to be totally shocked by it. But thanks for the good fish and feeding my tummy." Not to be mean or anything, but I think I know why Burnetto chooses to keep this woman quiet as much as he can.

Lil - Hagrid. If you think she's a wishy-washy guilt-ridden woman though, take a look at her confessional, not shown on TV: "I love you dearly, you're the nicest guy around. But in order for me to stay in this game, I need to get rid of the biggest threats and you, sir, are my biggest threat. Thank you." It's hardly the sort of confessional I expect Lil to say and it makes me wonder if she's up to stabbing Burtman in the back with Jon some time in the future. Hmmm.

Probby tallies the votes and Hagrid looks stunned when he's revealed to be the latest loser to take the hike to Loser Lodge for Jury duty. Jon smiles as Sandra looks a little too shocked (hubby bets that she's faking it). Hagrid shakes his head like a messiah and says that he cannot believe that they are doing this to him as Probby snuffs out his torch. Believe it, loser. You're out. You're down for the count, hey, hey, hey!

Oh my, I sound just like Jon.

Next week, Jon cries, Cokecasta cries, and I cry because... well, I wrote this after actually seeing Episode 10 and it's official: I love that crazy fothermucker Jon for his despicable lie and I am so depressed over it.

Hagrid's final words: it's all about him, he's supposed to win and he doesn't win because nobody likes him and he was a fat kid in school boo-hoo-hoo - yo, shut up, dude. Really, you're embarrassing yourself. You lost because you are an idiot, you ignore the signs of mutiny in your delusional sense of invulnerability, you expect others to roll over and play dead so that you can win, you terrorize and bully other people into submission, you make a show of being better than other people than you lie and break promises as much as everyone else, and oh yeah, you got conned by Lil. Lil! How pathetic is that? Please don't channel your own high school issues by saying that you "never belonged" here. Did you see yourself? You are the bully on Pearl Islands, not the ocstracized fat kid. Here's my final word to you, Hagrid: here's a ladder, get over yourself, and get lost. Bye!

Phew. He's gone. Now, let's see how long Burtman will last in this game now, shall we?

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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