SURVIVOR

Pearl Islands Episode 8: Shocking! Simply Shocking!

To the sound of the wind pipe thingie, Probby's voice comes on: "Pree-vious-ly..." Well, previously Lil and Burtman came back and unlike Burtman that manages to swallow his anger and sweet-talk up his old enemies, Lil lets bygones turn into Feuhrer-be-gone. Adios, Feuhrer! Now it looks like Pagong is on the menu.

Credits. Shawn looks so much nicer in the credits where he's silent, wet, and cute. Not that I miss him or anything.

Day twenty-two. Welcome to the Bobo camp. Not that it mattered whether they are the Bobos or Boondocks, because old tribal lines are still vividly drawn between the ex-Quacks and the ex-Morgons. It's early morning, and Hagrid is up already, working at the fire. Everyone else seems to be still asleep or just getting up. Scoutmarm Lil prays by the sea. Then she is done and she stands up to face the day, a more confident and determined Lil that believes she has found a new family with the Quacks. She tells the camera that she feels really good this morning because she's convinced that she did the right thing by jumping ship to the old Quack. There's no reason for her to stay with the Morgons, she says, repeating once more that the Morgons will ditch her when they have the chance. While she is talking, Burnetto shows Lil hugging people and generally being one of the tribe, a far cry from her situation in the old Morgon. Lil says that she should feel guilty about backstabbing the Feuhrer, but no, there's no guilt from Lil today. Sounding as if she's determined to convince herself as well as the audience, she says that she likes being part of the Quack tribe. Here, she's just Lil. No condescending "Oh, we like Lil, she's a hard worker, blah blah blah but see ya, Lil!" nonsense from the Quacks, unlike some tribe we've seen treating Lil that way. Here, she tells the camera, she is free to be Scoutmarm Lil instead of "the Cincinnati workhouse" having to prove herself all this time. She hugs Cokecasta, and the remaining three ex-Morgons give Lil a dark look from their places under the shelter.

But are we Giggles touched by this new Lil?

Hubby's "Since when did this show turned into Cheer Camp?" sums up our sentiments exactly. No offense to Lil, of course, but Lil honey, dear, just between us two senior broads, self-esteem issues are best worked out in summer camp, not on Survivor.

The Cheer Camp fun continues with Lil now telling Hagrid just how the Quacks have treated her so wonderfully, boo-hoo-hoo. She obviously hasn't seen the Quack camp that I did for the last few episodes. She vows loyalty to the Quacks. And the magnanimous Hagrid, in his grand self delusion, tells her that she must win Immunity as he is willing to boot out a Quack first in her place. Lil laughs: "Are you serious?" Hagrid nods, pleased with his show of kindness. Is Hagrid serious? He has essentially promised Lil that she will remain a spare in his alliance and unless she works her butt off, Hagrid will not protect her. He'll generously lets Lil remain until after the other three Morgons are out, but Lil is on her own from thereon. It's not exactly a thing you tell an alliance member of yours, but Hagrid is, as he's proven again and again, without much self-awareness. He tells Lil that she did the right thing by sticking it to the Feuhrer as she must not sell herself short to the Morgons. I guess settling for - let me count, one, two, three... - sixth in the hierarchy of the Bobos is considered a step-up from selling oneself short in this man's mind. Wow. But both Lil and Hagrid act as if they have made a Very Important Exchange about Loyalty and Alliance, and they both walk away happy.

Then, in what I guess must be a Scene of Dramatic Tension, I am treated with scenes of Lil walking slow-mo along the beach, Hagrid looking at her and then around the tribe, and then Lil looking at the Morgons, and then the Morgons looking back at Lil. The whole effect will have worked better if Burnetto adds in some appropriate music, like maybe the theme song from Mission Impossible (the TV series theme song, not the crappy movie version), because Scenes of Dramatic Tension lose their effect when the music that's playing reminds me of that time I stood in an elevator in the downtown supermarket while trying to balance two bags of grocery on each knee.

Ryan O walks to the beach and picks up a plate, I think, and then goes back to camp for breakfast. Nobody should look this good heavily bearded or with eyes this piercing shade of blue that inspire me to dip into overwrought romance-novel phraseology, I tell you. He says that he and the Feuhrer have a tight bond and it is a damper that you-know-who is sent packing last night. I don't care if he's one of the seven people that are disappointed when the Feuhrer went (the remaining six are firmly in the shallow end of the pool - at least, that's the excuse they gave me and they are sticking to it), I don't even care if he tells me that he has wet dreams of getting spanked by a granny-pantied Laura Bush, because Ryan O can tell me anything and he is still a criminally good-looking hottie. Maybe I'll call him up to fix the wiring in my garage one of these days. Ryan O says that he knows he's next on the chopping block and "it sucks". Come to momma, monkey blue eyes. I'll chase your blues away! My, that's a big monkeywrench you have in your hands, Mr Opray.

Ryan O walks around, and Jon Fairplay looks after him. Hagrid looks after him. Hands off, he's mine! What, Burnetto? This is supposed to be a Scene of Dramatic Tension? I told you we need more appropriate music on this show.

Burtman is setting up the barbecue grill in readiness for the preparation of breakfast. Ryan O walks up to him and the TV explodes from the sheer dynamite reaction of having two indescribably hot, hairy, and nearly naked hotties in the same scene and damn, life is good, people. Thank you, God, for creating hotties and thank you Burnetto, for finding them for my shallow amusement. Ryan O asks Burtman whether he and Lil have a deal where voting goes. Burtman just answers evasively that he and Lil have a bond because they were Outcasts. Ryan O tells Burtman that Hagrid, Jon, Cokecasta, and Sandra are really "tight" and he suggests that Burtman and he team up. Burtman will bring in Lil, Ryan O will bring in "T and D", and they will smash all in their way. Isn't that a good plan, Burtman? Hmm, Burtman doesn't seem to think so in his personal interview. As he talks, the camera pans on to T&A, Jon, Darrah, and Lil, all of them looking at the camera and at each other. Deep Dramatic Tension, people. Ooh.

Burtman goes out to sea to catch fish for breakfast. The camera focuses on some slow-motion Burtman aquatic action as he swims around. Some people online have taken screenshots where Burtman's shorts made an impressive bulge, but take it from someone who is married to a man whose underwear is just the kind that Burtman is wearing: that thick material of those grampa boxers will not show anything and any "big bulge" you see is actually ripples made more prominent by the weight of the heavy fabric. It's not over seven inches long like some overdramatic people claimed it to be. You have no idea how disturbing it is to realize that a hottie like Burtman is wearing the same type of underwear that my, er, kinda-hottie-in-his-own-way hubby that is around twenty years his senior wears. If Burnetto wants to show me what a "predator" Burtman is, I'd suggest he put Burtman in some Speedos instead of the same pants that I hang up on the line to dry every morning. Hubby may be pleased that hotties share the same preferences in "real men's underwear" (oh please) as he, but me, not that much, I assure you. Then Burtman sees a string ray and die, stingray, die!

The stringray is still alive when Burtman drags it onto the beach. Burtman takes out his knife and stabs it repeatedly. Male near-nudity and senseless violence - TV can't get any better than this. As Lil, Ryan O, and Hagrid (come on, Hagrid has to be in every scene, don't you know?) come to look on, Burtman asks whether the stingray has any electricity. Ryan O, the electrician, assures him that the stingray won't shock if touched. Burtman, smart man, asks Hagrid to touch it. Hagrid reaches down to touch it, and what do you know, with its last dying breath, the poor stingray releases an insolent zap of electricity that sends Hagrid and the others jumping back a little, Lil screaming providing a nice touch to the scene. I'd like to think that even nature conspires to zap Hagrid senseless. Apparently all of them have never seen a dead stingray before because they then proceed to prod at it until it's really, really dead. And then they cook it for breakfast.

Lil says that the stingray is "shockingly good". Not to be outdone, Hagrid adds that the stingray is "shockingly good". I am seriously sick of this guy and how he just hogs screentime until there's just no escaping him, and for what? Is he saying anything that's worth my time? "This is a high-voltage meal," Hagrid says. I rest my case. Shut up, Hagrid, and go away. Come back only when you have something relevant to say. T&A says that "Food! Food! Food!" is very good, good, good. She is excited because back at the Morgon camp, she's always hungry and now, it's like a different world altogether for her. As she babbles about how great it is to be eating plenty, Burtman and Hagrid come back with enough fish to fill a pail. They clean the fish with a knife. Hagrid says that it feels good to feed the "sad" emaciated Morgons and he wants them to have all they want to eat. Of course, since he's voting them out anyway, he should have rephrased that to "eat all you can in the limited time you have, bitch!"

As much as the view is great, I am getting bored at this point, so it's a relief when the show cuts to Probby waiting for them at a clearing as the Survivors walk in for their Reward Challenge. Or, as Probby clarifies to them, "Individual Reward Challenge", which is wise as this season sees our Survivors behaving as if an entire tribe will win the million dollars instead of just one person. This Challenge requires the Survivors to take up slingshots and break three ceramic plates in order from the lowest plate to the middle plate to the top plate. The third ceramic plate, when broken, will cause the release the lever the ceramic plate is attached to so that it will light up a torch at the top of the "crow's nest". Or something. Let's just say the Survivors must break three ceramic plates first and be done with it. This Challenge is held in four rounds. The first three rounds are preliminary rounds where three Survivors square off and the first to break three ceramic plates from each round will square off in the fourth round. The winner of the fourth round wins - Probby gives a dramatic flourish - breakfast! As a "tease", he hands Burtman a plate of sweet roll and promises that there are more of those and then some more for the winner of this Challenge. Burtman eats some of the roll, passes it on to the person next to him, and so on until the sucker at the back of the line stares at an empty plate.

The first round sees Sandra, Ryan O, and Darrah squaring off. Sandra hurts her mouth while shooting from her sling, she says, and she has no idea that she has fulfilled my greatest and most secret fantasy. Sandra and Ryan O eventually square off at two plates each while Darrah keeps missing her target. Ryan O manages to break his third plate and sets the crow's nest on fire first, so he's moving to the finals.

Second round, we have Hagrid, Burtman, and Jon. Jon's aim zooms completely off-target for his first shot and he hits a target on his second shot. Unfortunately, he hits the target out of order and so he's out. "That's one more Challenge that Jon cannot finish," Probby cracks. I am waiting for he and Jon to lose it and start strangling each other and I suspect that I won't have to wait that much longer. Jon walks back to the line where Lil puts her arm around his waist and whisper something into his ear to console him. Eeeuw! Don't do that, Lil, it's disgusting! Burtman is a surprisingly bad shot, and in the end it's Hagrid that hits all three targets in three easy, consecutive shots. He's moving on with Ryan O.

Third round, Lil versus T&A versus Cokecasta. Cokecasta makes funny faces and her aim is way off-target. T&A and Lil square off. Lil's second shot doesn't completely release the lever, but Lil utters a prayer, laughs, and then kicks the air like the badass scoutmarm she has become, and voila, the lever moves up and Lil screams! In the end, Lil hits the third target first and she's also moving on. "Cincinnati's representin'!" Probby says in a futile attempt to be hip.

You know, this will be a really boring Challenge if it wasn't for the infectious and relaxed atmosphere of this tribe. Also, Lil is laughing and having fun, and damn if she doesn't make me want to laugh along with her. Gone is the dour martyr: here's a woman that is relaxed and just having fun and even displaying a mildly naughty potty mouth. Cool.

In the final round, Lil seems to be winning this as she hits the first two targets. Unfortunately, she keeps missing the third plate. Despite her saucy "I'm on it, baby!" jibe to Probby, she can't catch up as Hagrid smashes all three of his plates while Lil keeps missing her last one. Hagrid wins! "Nice job!" Lil says in what I feel is a sincere tone and hugs the man.

Probby, for reasons only Burnetto and he will know, announces that now Hagrid has the chance to pass this Reward to someone else. If not, Hagrid can take someone to come along with him as Probby says it is not enjoyable to eat breakfast alone. Hagrid says that he is passing the Reward to Burtman because Burtman gave him an Immunity that none of them needed yesterday. If you ask me, Burtman is getting the better deal out of this. Now Probby tells Burtman that he must choose someone (other than Hagrid) to take along with him. Burtman looks at the ground, thinking, perhaps, or maybe he's just admiring Probby's feet, I don't know. Or maybe the idea of he eating breakfast with his own tribe mates terrify him into petrified silence, for which I don't blame him if that's the case. "Take Lil," Hagrid urges, and Burtman nods, saying somewhat unnecessarily, "I'll take Lil." I'd agree that taking Lil is a nice gesture, as she came in second, but Hagrid, hush please. Stop pushing yourself into every scene on this show.

Day twenty-three, a pleasant morning. Burtman returns from collecting water for the tribe and refills the water containers. Aw, how nice, he's replenishing the Bobos' water supply before he heads off for his breakfast with Lil. ("Maybe he's just trying to delay the inevitable," evil hubby says.) In his confessional, he says that he finds it very difficult to be loyal to a tribe that has stabbed him in the back and voted him out before. He has openly voiced his allegiance to the Quacks, but he's actually doing this for the Outcasts. His loyalty is to the Outcasts alone, and in this case, Lil too, I guess. He describes all that loyalty to Quack claptrap is "a bunch of bull-" upon which he smiles and corrects himself, "lies." Burtman, if you're reading this, you can cuss all you want with me as long as you're cussing in all the appropriate contexts, if you know what I mean. He adds quite redundantly that the others will stab him in the back if given a chance.

Okay, Burtman is a cute and hot lil' hirsute Ewok and all that, but what's all this "I'm in it for the Outcasts/Quacks/Morgons" nonsense? Newsflash, Burtman: the Quacks and the Morgons are no more. You're all Bobos now. Even so, don't give me that nonsense about how tribe members must stay loyal only to their own ex-tribe members. Unless you're going to split the one million dollars six ways with your fellow Outcasts, I suggest you quit yammering about tribe loyalty and start the backstab fest now. This is Survivor - outwit, outlast, outplay - where only one Survivor can remain standing to win the grand prize, after all.

Now Burtman is conducting a hushed pow-wow with Jon Fairplay. Burtman tells Jon that Jon is the fourth wheel in the 9-to-5 clique and he proposes that he and Jon team up to take out Hagrid. Jon agrees, saying that it will be "crazy" if Hagrid is allowed to remain on the island. Burtman wonders how they will tell Hagrid that he's leaving. Jon, whom I'm dismayed to say must be the smarter of the two, tells Burtman that they do not have to tell Hagrid anything and rightfully so. He reminds Burtman of Hagrid's temper tantrums and they both agree to keep a lid on their plan and sic it to Hagrid when he's least expecting it. They both part ways, apparently everything is good now between them. Jon, in his confessional, however, says that Burtman is just using him as they both know that Jon is a snake with no loyalty to anyone on this island and that Jon will be the perfect henchman in Burtman's quest to oust Hagrid. Jon smiles, commenting on how amusing it is that he, who played a part in Burtman's ouster, ends up becoming Burtman's biggest ally. "Irony definitely plays a strong hand in this game," he concludes and I find myself thinking that he's not that bad after all. I'm not too worried as I'm sure he'll do something to annoy me thoroughly before the episode is over, I will hate him again, and life will return to normalcy as I know it.

Lil is waiting for Burtman on the beach. As Burtman comes up to her and they walk down the beach while the theme song of Ashton and Demi: A Love Story plays in the background, they discuss - what else? - strategy. Burtman tells her what everybody should know by this point in time: Hagrid, Cokecasta, and Sandra are as thick as jello and they must break the 9-to-5 clique apart. Lil says to the camera that she is anxious for the food, but she is more eager to have a chance to talk to Burtman away from the others. She needs to talk, she says, because she wants to be kept in the loop. Hmm, not much of a player, aren't we, Lil? As they get onto the boat and away from the maddening crowd, Lil goes all "Oh baby, oh!" in excitement.

They are taken to a beach which Lil describes as beautiful and what-not and gasps at the sight of a gazebo erected for our couple's breakfasty pleasure. Both of them begin oohing and aahing at the breakfast buffet, Lil is taken by the flower arrangement at the table while Burtman molests some bread and says that he's going to "get sick like a dog" after this. They also find a bottle of champagne ready, although Lil says that she prefers orange juice and Burtman doesn't seem to understand why she doesn't want champagne. Lil goes "Oh!" as Burtman does that I'm-ejaculating-not-really thing with the champagne bottle (you know what I mean, I'm sure) and then they settle down and eat, the sexiest couple on Survivor since Colby and Tuna Wesson got it on in Australia (sorry, Probby).

As they eat, Lil says in her confessional that she decides to believe "this young man" because she has to believe him and put everything she has into helping him. It sounds like a strategy of the truly pathetic to me and I can only hope that Burtman remembers to help her while he's using her to help himself. Burtman says that he has Cokecasta and Big Sandra in his "back pocket" (oh, really?) and they must all band together to boot Hagrid now. Lil tells Burtman that she's sure that T&A and Darrah will back them in this plan of his, if only to save themselves. Burtman says that if Hagrid wins Immunity, they'll boot out Cokecasta instead. He tells Lil to befriend Cokecasta and Hagrid and convince those two that Lil is their meek and friendly dotty old lady that will do whatever they ask her to. Burtman believes that Lil is his "trump card". Lil frowns, wondering aloud how she is going to lie. Burtman starts to scold her, but she cuts him off with a sigh, "I know, I know!" It's quite cute, that scene, and I don't have the heart to frown on Lil joining this game when she doesn't want to lie. Yeah, this show is not some Bible Camp thing, and let's just leave it at that and let our gruesome twosome lovebirds eat their sweetrolls in peace.

Let's see what the rest of the Bobos are up to now. Sandra and Cokecasta are waist-deep in the water and Cokecasta is having her hair washed by Sandra. Won't Hagrid's ears burn if he hears them right now, because Cokecasta and Sandra are plotting to get rid of Burtman and Hagrid. Cokecasta suggests taking out Burtman before Hagrid as Burtman is obviously the stronger of the two. (That, and the fact that Cokecasta and Burtman obviously hate each other, not that she tells Sandra this.) Sandra wonders whether they should keep "the two women" from Morgons along with Lil. Cokecasta, looking intrigued, tells her that they must plan this estrogenic insurrection carefully. Sandra tells the camera that she and Cokecasta feel "vulnerable" plotting like this because the men provide fish for them. I don't know what to say - put these idiots on an island and it doesn't take them long to start thinking like cave people all over again, doesn't it? What, women can't fish, only men can?

Later, at a deserted-looking camp, T&A and Darrah are hanging around when Cokecasta and Sandra walk into the camp. Sandra says that she and Cokecasta are going out to forage for food and asks whether T&A and Darrah want to come along. In her confessional, T&A says that the cracks are showing in the Quack camp because Big Sandra and Cokecasta would talk about how they must learn to search for food "in case one of the guys gets hurt". It doesn't take much for one to read between the lines here.

Back at the Ashton and Demi's Gazebo of Love, Burtman and Lil are toasting themselves as they promise to bring each other to the Final Two. I can just imagine the apoplexy among the Jury if they have to make one of the two Outcasts a millionaire, heh. They will take Jon along to round up the Final Three. Lil overdoes that "I'm a lame strategy-free dame" act and asks Burtman to "hand-feed" her what she should do. Burtman promises that he will be true to her and swears it on his Scout's honor. Lil, naturally, approves. Then they decide to walk back to the boat to get back to the Bobos, none of them considerate or strategic enough to think of packing back some food for the others (the camera pans on the leftovers). As they walk back, they decide on what to tell others should they be asked about what they talked about earlier today. Burtman says that he'll talk about how Lil talked about nothing but Scouts stuff and bored him witless. The sad thing is, it is really easy to believe Burtman in this case. Lil begs him not to portray her as a bitch - maybe a dumb blonde, she suggests. Burtman tells her in a really sexy and tender tone that makes me swoon, "I'll never make you out as a bitch, Lil." Or maybe it's just Burtman saying something that has "make out" in it that makes me swoon, I don't know. Lil laughs and rests her cheek against Burtman's left upper arm, an arm she is clutching so tightly with both her hands. What a hussy. You know how postcards always have "Wish You Were Here" and chances are, it's usually not the case? Well, it's the case now.

Morning, day twenty-four. Hagrid is working around Camp Bobo, whacking away at some log with his hatchet. Burtman and Jon haul sticks back to the camp. Cokecasta dusts some clothes hanged out to dry and then picks up sticks to stock up on firewood. T&A and Darrah are lying on the shelter floor.

There's no "Uh oh" music here, but it's easy to imagine one and it sounds just like the honking of a clown nose as Hagrid and Cokecasta mutter to each other about those "lazy" ex-Morgons. Hagrid says that he plans to make Darrah and T&A clean some fish he will catch after this. Cokecasta, the self-proclaimed Queen of Work Ethics to Hagrid's King, declares in her interview that the Morgons are "unmotivated". The camera pans on Ryan O, T&A, and Darrah lying on the shelter floor giggling over some stupid joke. "Talking," Cokecasta announces imperiously, "is not acceptable 24/7 around here." While I understand why one can be annoyed when one's tribe buddies are lazy, there's no excuse to talk and act as if one owns the camp and sets the rules, is there? Personally, I think she and Hagrid are just looking for more excuses to justify themselves as superior human beings. And besides, who wants to work when one's head is on the chopping block? Not everyone is Scoutmarm Lil.

T&A, when interviewed, says that the Quacks work much more than what she believes is necessary. She loses me completely when she then says that working so much prevents her inner self from flowing free or something equally ridiculous. If she says something like, "They're kicking me out anyway so I'll be damned if I work my ass off for these freaks!", I will cheer her on. But what's this about letting one's inner self running free by not working?

Lil drags a large branch along the beach and says that she now feels how Jesus must have felt. Um, okay.

It's time for Immunity. Probby greets them as they walk into another clearing. He reminds them that seven of them will be on the Jury while the remaining two will advance to the final round where only one of them will win the million dollars. He then announces this week's challenge. Hoorah, it's pop quiz time, and as usual, it's a Challenge where the person on the chopping block has no chance at all to save himself or herself. In front of each Survivor is what Probby calls a "coconut holder" - more like a trough, really - and when one gets a question correct by flashing Probby the correct face of the Cube of Alphabets corresponding to the A, B, C, or D option in Probby's multiple-choice question, one will put a coconut in one's targetted opponent. When a Survivor gets five coconuts, he or she is eliminated from the game. The last one standing wins Immunity.

Question one. Who knows what a "pieces of eight" is? Four person do: Hagrid, T&A, Lil, and Cokecasta. T&A puts a coconut into Ryan O. Et tu, T? Lil adds another to Ryan O's trough. Hagrid adds his too. "Yeah, I'm doing good," Ryan O says. Cokecasta adds hers to Ryan O's as well.

Question two, Probby describes a keel-haul and asks them to identify the pirate punishment he's just described. T&A, Darrah, Sandra, Burtman, Jon, Hagrid, and Ryan O know this. T&A puts her coconut into Ryan O and poor Ryan O is out. Darrah lobs a coconut at Cokecasta, prompting Sandra to announce that nobody hurts her girlfriend and pops a big coconut onto Darrah's trough. Burtman targets T&A. Jon hits at Darrah. Hagrid hits at Darrah too. Ryan O gets his shot back at Cokecasta before sitting down on the grass before his trough.

Next, question three, Probby describes a pirate and asks them to choose whether he's just describe the tribes' namesakes Morgan or Drake. It's Morgan and T&A, Burtman, Jon, Hagrid, and Cokecasta get it right. T&A lobs at Burtman. Burtman pops at Darrah. Jon, bent on his A Man Scorned role, sends Darrah out with a fifth coconut on her trough. Hagrid gives T&A a coconut. Cokecasta gives T&A her fourth coconut.

Question four. Only T&A, Burtman, and Lil know or guess correctly that Panama is not a peninsular but an isthmus. T&A lops at Burtman. Burtman hits back with his coconut and T&A keeps giggling as Probby asks Burtman why he does that to T&A and Burtman says that, well, T&A did it first. Again, I am struck by how jovial and easygoing the tribe has been throughout this Challenge. Amazing, really, how they josh each other even as they plot and scheme behind each other's back. Lil gives Burtman his first one, saying loudly that all he did during their breakfast was to nod while she spoke. She's right - she's an awful liar.

Question five, T&A, Burtman, Jon, and Lil got it right. T&A with a laugh continues her assault on Burtman's trough with another coconut. Burtman retaliates, sending T&A out of the game. She's still laughing. Jon now violates Sandra's trough with his coconut. "I'm still pissed about breakfast!" Lil declares. As T&A cheers and yells, "Take him out, Lil!", Lil pops one into Burtman's trough, sending the man out for good. Hee! "Payback's a bitch, Lil," Burtman groans after he's stopped laughing. "And so am I," she tells him. Hee, hee!

Question six. Sandra, Lil, Hagrid, Cokecasta know more about barnacles than the others and today they are rewarded for it. Sandra gives Jon his coconut and Lil follow suit. Hagrid and Cokecasta give Lil their coconuts.

Question seven. Sandra, Jon, and Hagrid know what a privateer does. Sandra apologizes as she pops one for Hagrid. Hagrid predictably growls at her, and she says that she doesn't want him to feel left out as he's the only one without any coconuts. Hagrid is assured at once and calms down. What a brat - the only reason why nobody else outside his alliance coconuts him is because, as Jon and Burtman agreed, they want him to be caught unawares come his boot. Jon conks Sandra and Hagrid follows with another big one for Sandra.

Question eight. Sandra, Jon, Lil, and Hagrid know what a cutlass is. Sandra sends Jon out of the game, and he retaliates by sending her out too with his coconut. Lil apologizes and drops one on Hagrid. Hagrid drops her one in return, sending her out of the game.

Finally, it's Hagrid versus Cokecasta. Cokecasta deliberately drops this one - the question asks what a "pieces of eight" is, and it's pretty much a rewording of the first question and Cokecasta got the first one right. Hagrid wins immunity! Hagrid hugs Cokecasta. I think he's the only one happy at getting it, and the best thing is, he has no idea that everyone else wants him out.

Probby calls it an interesting day and sends everyone back to the Bobo Camp. I silently bid Ryan O a sweet and fond adieu. Ah, cruel world, we had so little time together, alas!

Birds, waves, whales, and a big babboon. The last one's Hagrid, chuckling and sniggering because he single-handedly won Immunity again. Or, you know, has the Immunity given to him by Cokecasta, but he's sniggering and gloating anyway because to him and his syncopants, he's the greatest in the world. Ryan O says to the camera that he is depressed because he knows that he will need a minor miracle to stay in this game. He releases his frustrations by brutally murdering a coconut while the others look on. Poor Ryan O.

Crabs scuttles on the beach. Burtman takes a drink. Ryan O tells him that he has "worked too hard" to come this far to go down without a fight. Burtman doesn't seem to be listening to him though. Ryan O now walks along the beach, telling T&A and Darrah that they can try and work Lil to their side and target one of Hagrid's groupies. It'll be perfect, he says. Too late, dear, you should've smooched over Lil's ego three days ago. Maybe then the Feuhrer will still be here and Ryan O will be sitting down peachy as the Quacks scramble for a piece of humble pie.

Hagrid is talking to Jon. He tells Jon that Burtman is with them because he's told Burtman that if Burtman crossed him, he'll kill the man. My, it's nice to see a tyrant at work, especially a tyrant that deludes himself into thinking that he's the new Jesus of the Caribbean when he's in fact Chairman Mao. Jon, of course, assures Hagrid that Burtman will be loyal to Hagrid. Hagrid dismisses Ryan O as "the leader of the weak". Hagrid confesses that he's worried of Ryan O rallying T&A and Darrah and then drawing Burtman and Jon in an alliance against Hagrid, Sandra, Cokecasta, and Lil. I have a great laugh listening to him. He has everything upside down. Doesn't he get it? Ryan O is far from this Napoleon Bonaparte figure Hagrid is portraying him as. Burtman is the Judas here and he has willing accomplices in Lil and Jon. Cokecasta and Sandra are also contemplating a mutiny in Hagrid's cabbage patch. Everyone from Hagrid's so-called alliance is gunning for him. Burtman doesn't want Ryan O, in fact, he wants Ryan O gone for the same reason Hagrid wants the man gone - they are both afraid that Ryan O will side with the other man and form a six-person alliance against the other. And here's the punchline: T&A doesn't want anything to do with Ryan O anymore, as things will later prove. Darrah knows when to jump a sinking ship. So basically we have two Goliaths gunning down on Ryan O when they could have easily used Ryan O to their advantage against the other fellow. The Bobos are like a pride of lionesses fought over by two idiot male lions. Each male wants to be the only alpha male standing, and it's pathetic. Don't Hagrid and Burtman know what an unstoppable team they would be if they actually ally themselves with each other? Men and their egoes are so bewildering sometimes.

Now Jon and Cokecasta are talking. She is telling him that they should target Burtman first and then Hagrid as Burtman is the stronger person of the two. (The fact that she hates Burtman is again unmentioned.) Jon warns her that Hagrid is coming and she wisely changes the subject to Ryan O. Jon says that Ryan O is the "least trustable" guy in the tribe and Cokecasta looks as if she's thinking in her mind, "But what about you then, asshole?" I have to hand it to Jon though - when he says he will help Burtman, he actually does. By deflecting Cokecasta's attention (and hence Hagrid's) from Burtman to Ryan O, he has given Burtman a little more time to plot. Indeed, Cokecasta's confession shows that she's confused by what she should do. She says that she hasn't given her word to anyone yet, so she won't exactly be lying to anybody here. Now I know why she used her full name and college email address when she went on Usenet to score some meth. Because lying is like, oh my God, so bad.

Now we have Burtman, Cokecasta, and Jon talking. My, so much scheming going on - my mind is reeling from all this intrigue! Burtman tells her that Ryan O is plotting against the 9-to-5 clique by coming to Burtman and suggesting a Very Bad Plot. Burtman acts as if he can't believe that Ryan O would suggest such a despicable plot. Who does Ryan O think Burtman is? Burtman will never betray Hagrid, oh no! Ooh, you cunning man, you're really orchestrating Ryan O's boot to the hilt, aren't you, Burtie? Jon, in his confessional, sniggers and says that he has no loyalty in this game and he will stab anyone in the back to advance, blah blah blah, same old story, whatever. At least he's honest about his strategizing instead of being hypocritical about it like the 9-to-5 clique, I guess. The camera shows the Survivors getting dressed up and even grooming each other in preparation for the Tribal Council. Jon concludes his confessional by saying that nobody should trust him. That one ranks up there with "The sun is hot" as the most obvious statement of all time.

Darkness falls, and it's Tribal Council time. Probby kicks off the inane chatter. Lil loves the Bobo tribe. Cokecasta calls out the ex-Morgons for being lazy and Darrah, for the first time, speaks for more than one line by rebutting Cokecasta with a lame "I intend to do it later anyway" speech. Hagrid gives a truly irritating speech about how hard it is to live a tribe that doesn't suck up to his ego 24/7 and inexplicably insists that they - including him - can do better. Do what, I have no idea as Hagrid never elaborates, but I suspect that he's talking about people sucking up to him. Everyone suck up to him harder now! And of course, he will also attempt to suck up to himself even better along with the rest, the magnificent team player that he is. Burtman says that he feels really close to the Quacks now. Probby manages to keep a straight face upon hearing this outright lie, so either it's Botox in action or that man is one good actor.

Probby reminds them that the person voted out will be the first member of the Jury, so they will have to consider carefully their decision before writing down on the parchment. It's now time to vote.

Sandra - Ryan O.

Cokecasta - Ryan O.

Hagrid - Ryan O. "I'm sorry we weren't on the same team. I know you would have done good with me. I would trade you for a bunch of my guys, but it's your time to go." Gotta love this man. Condescending yet insulting at the same time - he has that skill mastered to an artform.

Darrah - Ryan O. Her confession is not shown on TV, but I'll put it here anyway because it reveals what a pompous little idiot she is. "Ryan, I'm voting for you only so that I can leave you a message. Thanks for respecting me, for respecting that I have a boyfriend, and thank you for also being a good friend." Damn, her kiss-off-and-die message cost the receipient a million bucks - talk about a high-maintenance invisible girl.

Jon. He writes Ryan O's name and "Gone! Gone! Gone!" (which he also says to the camera) under the name. Like all his confessionals, this one is also taken from wrestling. "Gore! Gore! Gore!" is the wrestler Rhino's trademark motto.

Ryan O - Cokecasta. "Didn't like you before, didn't like you now. You're just a plain, simply a bitch. Can't think of anything else to say - see you later!" Ooh, so much sexual tension there. Gag.

T&A - Ryan O. Her confession is not shown on TV as well, but here it is, according to Survivor Insider: "This vote goes out to you. I told you when I first met you that I don't know if I should trust you or not, and I was right on. You betrayed me and our alliance, that alliance could have gotten you further in the game but you chose not to. In the end, I am sending this vote with a big smile, in the hope that you are gone from here. On a personal level, you're a great guy and you've made me laugh. I was glad to get to know you." What is this betrayal that she talking about? Speculations from the online community suggest that this "betrayal" comes from the Feuhrer having a three-person alliance with Darrah and Ryan O. For the last episode, Survivor Insider has a clip showing the Feuhrer saying that he suspects T&A of colluding with Lil to oust him and he has a back-up alliance with the other two guys as Plan B. If there weren't a merge last week and Morgon lost the Immunity Challenge, T&A would be the one to go. It is speculated that Darrah must have blabbed about this alliance to T&A and now girlfriend is on the vengeance path. But "betrayal" seems a little too strong a word to describe this turn of events, right? I bet there's something Burnetto isn't showing us. Maybe Ryan O cheated on Darrah with T&A and then made the move on Cokecasta and now every woman hates him, who knows?

Burtman - Ryan O. Again, they did not show his confession on TV, but it's too good not to leave out: "This is purely a strategic vote based on my current alliance. I wish I could have guaranteed that you would be around longer than some of the idiots I'm stuck with." Heh heh heh.

Lil - Ryan O.

Aww, Ryan O goes. His eyes were red, and I know that feeling, hon. Cokecasta smiles gleefully while Darrah just looks like she always does - expressionless. Ryan O turns after Probby has snuffed his torch and tells them, "You're all invited to the wedding of me and Mrs G." Nah, kidding, he actually tells them that he'll be back. Which he will, of course, next week, as a member of the Jury. And then he's gone. Sigh.

Probby tells the remaining Survivors that from now on, every one of them will be held accountable for his or her actions. (Somewhere, Jabba snorts and says, "Oh, please!") "All of your actions will come to play," he says, "You've just voted your first member of the Jury." And then he sends them away.

Next week: Hagrid scares the sharks and Lil cries over something she regrets. Maybe she finally realizes that she's on Survivor and not Camp Kumbayah.

Ryan O, in his final words, wishes Darrah and T&A "lots of luck" and Lil "not so much". Talk about bitter. He talks about how he thought he would make it to the end and how humbling this experience is. And one last attempt at soothing his ego, no matter how puny that attempt is, he adds: "And to the others, remember: I'm on the Jury." And for the sake of his ego, we'll pretend for now that a Jury on this show is a very prestigious position. Good night, Ryan O. You're beautiful, even if you have no decent gameplan on this show, and in the world of reality television, being beautiful and inoffensive is A-OK with me. Say hi to Pelican Pete for me, pretty boy. And now we're done until next week.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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