SURVIVOR

Pearl Islands Episode 4: Pick a Castaway... Any Castaway

Previously, I don't care. The show sucks. This week, I still don't care. The show sucks. On with the credits please. I need to wash my hair, so let's end this quick. Credits. Stupid people on parade. I have a feeling that the only job Osten will get after this show is to be that loser in an ugly chicken costume passing out cheaply printed KFC flyers to people at the corner in Topeka.

Sun. Beach. Waves crashing on the beach. The writing at the lower left hand corner of the TV tells me that we're at the Pits of Morgon, day ten. The waves are coming close to where the Morgons have set up camp, and the idiots have set up a flimsy sand barrier to keep back the tide. Needless to say, this sand barrier isn't working too wall, as anybody who has ever had his or her sandcastle destroyed by the incoming tide will know. The Morgons don't know, but that's because they are the Morgons. I wonder if Burnetto look up these people's IQs during the casting and deliberately lump all the idiots together just to spite me, that bastard.

Ryan O, Tijuana, and Osten are up. Ryan O, whose slurry voice is starting to really annoy me, says that the sea is rough and a storm is probably coming (hmm, I can't see that for that myself, naturally) and the "wall", as he describes that pathetic sand-Great-Wall-of-Little-China of the Morgons, isn't holding up too well against the tides. He says they need a bigger wall. And a bigger brain. Gee, maybe they can, I don't move, move the shelter a little behind to higher grounds? But that's hard work, and the pretty Morgons are too pretty and talented and popular for menial labor. Or better still, why don't they all hold hands like the Big Pretty Family they are and run straight into the sea, never to be seen again? Ryan O concludes that he finds the pitfalls the Morgons experience since Day One "almost comical". Yeah, I was laughing so hard, I accidentally smashed my head against the TV until my forehead is all bloody and blood covers my eyes and it's all good, because the Morgons are so-ooo-oooo funny. I have a strong hunch as to why this guy can have what seems like 200 jobs in the past when he's just 31. He's a cute guy, but man, he needs a keeper really badly.

The Himbo Haute converge at the beach to ponder the age old question of To Work Or Not To Work. The Feuhrer indulges in his now broken record talk of "low morale" and "devastated" feelings and what not. Shut up, already. He commiserates that their "last wall of defense" is about to be breached and they are feeling the impact of Scoutmarm Lil not being here. Hey, loser, you are not in an insurance commercial and we are not buying anything from you today. If this guy chases an ambulance and I happen to be driving the ambulance, I will go into reverse and reverse rear-end that bastard. Are lawyers ever this smarmy? I must also point out that his body hair is kicking in, full werewolf style, and it's not a pretty sight. Tijuana miserably tries to boil water. I don't know what Darrah is doing, but she looks pinch-faced as usual. I think she must be related to Helen from Survivor Thailand in some way, only without the wit and likeability to go along with the pinch-faced looks. Having to work since Scoutmarm Lil is no longer the slave of all works must be taking a toll on these pretty people, oh poor things. The Feuhrer concludes sadly that it's the world against the Morgons now. Well, he has that right, at least,

Now we move on to another of the seemingly endless problems that plague the Morgons: angry fire ants. Tijuana complains that these ants come out from under a log when smoke from the fire gets into the log. She says that as if the Morgons being stung by a zillion red ants is such a bad thing. The Feuhrer suggests that they need more fish. Oh, look who's stealing Scoutmarm Lil's schtick now!

Because even Burnetto is sensitive and humane to realize that I am close to leaping off the balcony if the Trials and Tribulations of the Morgons continue, the show now switches focus to the Quacks. Predictable happy canned flute music comes on - oh happy, happy days, or maybe not so happy, as the Quacks have a collective gloomy expression on their faces. Jon Fairplay fills up his water canteen. Even the really ugly gets thirsty sometimes, I guess. Burtman and Jon Fairplay start to argue. I can't catch what it is they are fighting about, because Jon's idea of arguing is to raise his voice until he drowns out the other person completely. I hate people like this and I hate Jon more because he makes those people I hate lovely in comparison. Trish says in her cozy interview that the mood in the Quack camp is "funky" and the morale is "on and off". I don't know how "funky" and "morale is on and off" can end up in that same sentence. Maybe Trish's interview has been edited in a way. Still, there's something about her that reminds me of that sneaky, under the radar bitch with a boob job, Tuna Wesson. Trish finishes off her train of non-sequitur thoughts by saying that she doesn't know why the Quacks are becoming testy with each other.

Big Sandra whispers to Cockecasta as they go about their early morning chores that she doesn't like how Burtman and Shawn Muggwitt always talk about how the Dynamic Duo are the ones that wake up the earliest to work the most around the camp. Giving Burtman an evil sidelong look, she says that it's not true - Big Sandra works too, see! Cokecasta in her interview says that she finds it quite "annoying" that the Quacks are winning all the time because she wants to get rid of somebody. By the way, Cokecasta is lucky that Darrah is on this show, because next to Darrah, her really annoying way of slurring/speaking as if she's high all the time comes off as tolerable.

Then Cokecasta and Shawn are talking. Cokecasta is drilling Shawn on his academic credentials and she even snidely asks if he graduates from the college he claims to have attended. Shawn, when interviewed, demonstrates how an otherwise nondescript pretty boy one vaguely recalls having seen on the some porn video cover will come off really lacking the moment he opens his mouth to speak. And speak he does, saying that Cokecasta has issues with him but Cokecasta will pay when everything will be "coming back to get her". I bet Shawn is the first guy that runs home weeping for Mommy the moment someone pinches his bum in a barroom brawl. Cokecasta retaliates by saying her interview that she can't stand the Michelle-Shawn-Burtman tirumvirate and she wants all of them out of the tribe. It occurred to me that if Burnetto hasn't been so sadistic as to make this show the Morgon Torture Showcase 24/7, I might have seen at least a little of the reason for the friction between Michelle and Cokecasta. So what actually happened, Burnetto? (Wait, don't tell me I have to sit through that expected "recap" episode midseason to find out the reason. I don't care that much.)

Burtman, however, gives plenty of reason for people to hate him. He makes unfunny cracks about Hagrid's skirt as he bends over (to do serious Real Man stuff in a non-sexual way, so don't get too excited, people). Hagrid straightens up and growls that he will "kill" Burtman whom he calls a "son of a bitch". My eager anticipation at seeing Hagrid chewing off Burtman's ear deflates when I realize he's only half serious. Hagrid, when interviewed, says that it's like high school all over again where all the "prettyboy jockass idiots" picked on him all the time. Shawn joins the fun by calling Hagrid the prettiest fellow in a skirt that he's ever seen. Both of the overly macho self-professed heterosexual males that are Burtman and Shawn don't seem to understand that their constant ribbing about Hagrid's butt crack and skirt-wearing tendencies arouses some questions from observers, such as why these two men are always staring at Hagrid's big fat butt, for example. But just like those overly-compensating jocks that think nothing of their slapping each other's bare butts in the locker room but sneer at anything remotely feminine in other guys, Burtman and Shawn aren't the brightest bulbs in the land. How sad that the box these bulbs come in isn't that pretty in the first place - or at least, Burtman's hairy chest is quite pretty, until he opens his mouth and then all pretty is pretty much shot down the drain.

Trish isn't too fond of the Burtman-Shawn-Michelle tirumvirate. In her interview, she wonders whether Burtman and Shawn are so cocky because they believe that they will never be voted off as they are like, dude, the strongest ever, dude! Trish believes that the Dynamic Duo ropes in Michelle because she's cute and those dudes like cute babes. Trish says that those three have no idea that they have alienated everybody else on the tribe.

It is time for the Reward Challenge, and not a moment too soon. Nothing like kiddie physical challenges to break the monotony of the people behaving stupid over nothing montage that is this show. Jeff Proboscis, always in khakis, always with a smile, always so cheerful, greets the two tribes as they file into the challenge site. He asks the Quacks to take a look at the "new" Morgon that is "minus another member", just in case the Quacks don't understand that when a losing tribe goes to the Tribal Council, one member is sent home at the end of the day.

This episode's positively rivetting Reward Challenge will require the tribe members to assemble sixteen pieces of jigsaw pieces on a table to produce an ugly painting of some piratey cliché. Eight pieces are scattered under the sea and eight pieces are buried in the sand. Each tribe member can either swim or dig. First team to get all sixteen pieces and assemble the puzzle will win - Probby pauses dramatically before pulling off the cover - an old-fashioned sewing machine and lots of threads and fabric (along with the treasure map and a chance to loot the losing tribe's camp). Everyone is happy because yay, clothes for everybody. Damn, if this show loses its blurred nudity, there's no reason to watch it anymore. Is it too late to swap the sewing machine and fabric with a casket of Kool-Aid?

Shawn Muggwitt, Cokecasta, and Michelle sit out for the Quacks. I bet Shawn is relieved that he doesn't have to do any puzzle-solving today.

Probby then gives the go signal, and woosh! Burtman and Ryan O run for the ocean. Alas, this time Ryan O is filmed from the side view from a distance away so there's no little junior making a cameo appearance today. Then again, even if it does make an appearance, it's probably so small that nobody can see it from the side. Is Burnetto trying to kill the last of my interest in this show? Burtman gets his piece first and Big Sandra starts digging. Cokecasta's supportive cry is "Dig like your name, Sa-AND-ra!" I don't know how "Sand-ra" and "dig sand" come to be synonymous with each other, so don't ask. Sandra gets her piece and Hagrid runs for the ocean even as Ryan O runs back with his piece and tags the Feuhrer to start digging. Tijuana is next while Trish digs in the sand, and Tijuana ditches her skirt and top before she runs to swim, giving me lots of blurred pixels, joy to some idiot that shouts "Yes!" (Jon, shut up please), and a new nickname for her: T&A. Probby remarks that T&A is "showing a little booty" (hubby snorts - a little?). T&A however experiences some problems in her swim ("I can't find it!") as she doesn't take a mask along with her. Trish gets her piece, Jon digs his piece out, and Burtman swims out and get his piece while T&A struggles to dive down long enough to grab hold of a piece of the puzzle. Big Sandra and Hagrid also get their respective pieces as T&A continues her attempts. There's seven pieces on Quack's side to Morgon's three. Finally, T&A manages to grab a piece and she straggles onto the beach and tags Osten.

Osten, who says that he can't swim (among a zillion other things he can't and won't do), runs to swim into the ocean. While wearing a mask that he leaves up on his forehead instead of over his eyes like any sane person with half a wit will do. When his team is losing. What is he trying to do? Is he that brain-damaged? There are some speculations that he is just putting on a show to avoid being seen as a threat, because no one is that pathetic... is there? Hagrid, Jon, and Burtman add three more pieces to the Quacks' stash. Ryan O calls out to Osten to put the mask over his eyes. Osten ignores him and tries to dive down. It doesn't take long before the girly screaming starts: "Help! I need help! I'm going down! I'm drowning!" And call me truly evil and book me a chalet in hell, but I actually shriek at the TV, "Someone push his head under the water so that he will shut up!" Probby asks Osten to hold on to that rope thingie that marks the area where the puzzle pieces are located while Ryan O and the Feuhrer go swim out and rescue him. Morons trying to save moron - if we're lucky all three will lose their way while swimming back to shore and end up in Mauritius. Finally, Osten is dragged back to shore where Probby brands his forehead with the scarlet P, P for pathetic or that word for kitty kat, you choose. Okay, Probby is too kind to do the right thing with Osten, he just commends the three stooges for their "great team work". Of course, it takes team work to suck collectively at all angles like the Morgons, so yeah, good job! Getting rid of the strong swimmer in the team (Scoutmarm Lil) for the "useful" Osten and Darrah - yeah, amazing job, just fabulous. Is the Feuhrer's middle name Enron?

The Quacks have several more pieces in the meantime and now Trish is digging for her piece while the Morgons try to catch up. For some reason, she's taking a long time at this digging. The fact that she's close to the water's edge and the waves are hampering her digging may have something to do with it. Ryan O grabs a piece out of the water and the Feuhrer digs for his piece. Then Darrah goes out to sea. Gee, for a useful member, she sure takes her time in contributing to the challenges. Trish gets her piece at last and Jon swims. The Feuhrer digs. T&A digs. Burtman swims. Darrah swims. The Quacks begin assembling the puzzle pieces. Osten digs. I'm glad to see that there's at least a limit as to how stupid he can be. Ryan O is too late - the Quacks win even as he returns with his piece! He falls onto the ground, face-down. Is he dead? The Quacks hoot and holler and cheer. Darrah looks pinched in the face. Probby announces that the Quacks have won six challenges in a row. He declares that Survivor Pearl Islands is cancelled because it's obvious that the Morgons just suck and there's no point any more and CBS will be putting the unjustly neglected Miss Match (even if it's an NBC show) in its time slot and I can go to bed happy. Except, of course, that never happened and the show is still sucking and I am still hurting inside.

Day eleven. A lone seagull flies over the sea to a no doubt more hospitable place, lucky seagull. A lizard looks at the camera, probably wondering why I am watching this wretched show, before lazily moving away to a more hospitable area, lucky lizard. Oh look, that's Cokecasta using a measuring tape to find out Hagrid's waist measurements (size 43). Big Sandra wants to make him a pair of shorts but Hagrid announces that he'd like to keep wearing skirts. Hmmph, put a man in a skirt for nine days and now he thinks he's Judy Garland. Cokecasta calls Hagrid "awesome" because Hagrid is so secure (or camera-conscious) to wear a skirt (I wonder whether she's heard of a thing Scotsmen wear called a kilt?). Cue scene of Hagrid using the sewing machine like a pro, and Cokecasta gushes at how wonderful that man is to know how to make his own garments. If Hagrid can cook, well, I'm sold. How much for Hagrid? I have twenty bucks. Can he come over and make me something like those DKNY outfits? While he's at it, he can cook me a nice meal whose name only French people or rich people can pronounce correctly.

Shawn Muggwitt, whom as we all are aware by now has a strange fixation at looking up Hagrid's skirt, grins in that "uh huh, I think I'm so funny, look at me grinning at my own brilliance, why isn't everybody laughing with me?" way of his as he walks up to Hagrid and asks Hagrid what he is making. Hagrid responds, "A skirt." Shawn thinks this is the funniest thing he's heard and says that when Hagrid is done, Shawn wants him to fix the hem of Shawn's pants. Because, see, a man sewing is like, haw haw, so funny according to the dimwit world of Shawn. I hope Hagrid takes a pair of scissors and turns Shawn's pants into a crotchless flaming fruit affair out of spite. Cokecasta wishes that Burtman and Shawn will stop bothering Hagrid. Anyway, Hagrid tests out his new skirt, lifting his arms up and making a twirl - he'll be natural on the Hogwart catwalk, I tell you - before reaching down to pat his crotch. "That's better," he says. How nice for him.

Now the Quacks want to look for the treasure as they have three pieces of the treasure map. I tell you, these Quacks sure know how to entertain me with their absolutely intriguing antics. As they walk towards where they think the treasure is, armed with shovels and hopefully some brainpower, Burton wishes aloud that they find candy and pina colada. Big Sandra wishes that the treasure is canned food as she has had it with rice. She swears that she will "go wild" if she sees rice inside the treasure chest. Jon Fairplay says that the Quacks have talked and dreamed about the treasure so much and he's had "more wet dreams about that treasure than any girl in Playboy". Playboy reports a drastic reduction in the number of women willing to pose for the magazine - even the most desperate fame-seeking women balk at the idea of Jon Fairplay abusing himself while licking at the pages containing their nude spread. To avoid a massive lawsuit, Burnetto has to publicly kiss Hugh Hefner's bunion-stricken feet and humiliated beyond belief, cancel this show and ask for CBS to replace it with The Amazing Race reruns. Life is fun again. Except the Playboy thing doesn't happen, the show is still not cancelled, and life can always be better. Gah.

The Quacks arrive in what seems like the middle of a jungle and start whacking at the trees around the place. Environmentalists worldwide will be amused watching these people destroying the ecosystem for what could easily be a box filled with Mountain Dew. The map apparently calls for them to seek out a "devil's fork". The camera pans at a prominent tree with forked branches. It occurs to me that on this show, sometimes it pays to look at where the cameraman is focusing at. In this case, the Quacks wonder where the fork that devil's fork is. Michelle and Shawn finally realize that the tree is right there, mocking them, and Shawn begins digging. Hagrid doesn't believe that Shawn and Michelle have located the treasure, and with Shawn, I don't blame Hagrid. Michelle points at the devil's forky tree, and Hagrid goes, "Oh! Shawn is a god!" Then everyone gathers to watch as Shawn hits something that looks metallic. The treasure! Burtman digs. Then everyone digs. Then, ooh, the treasure! As they work themselves into a frenzy of excitement, Trish yells, "Barbecued potato chips!" "Eight pair of trousers!" some guy yells. "Bacon and cheeseburgers!" a woman yells - honey, I don't think I want to eat any bacon and cheeseburgers that have been kept in that chest for who knows how long. Trish yells, "Clean underpants!" They can't actually pull the treasure chest out of the pit they have dug, but they can unlock the chest while it's down there, so it's still good. The chest opens, and the stupid yelling stops.

Big Sandra says dramatically that when the chest is opened, "a stench so awful, it smelled like death" hits her nostrils. That's just the stuff coming out of Jon's mouth, Sandra. Then the Quacks pull out a jar of Ferrero Rocher chocolates along with other things that they grumble are moldy and wet. The Quacks are definitely disappointed with their booty. The camera pans on the hoard, and there is sugar, some canned food, coffee beans, a few goblets that will come useful when one wants to shove something down Jon's throat bad, some candles and candlesticks, and some sodden-looking fabrics. I think I will be disappointed too if I were them. Shawn says that it's a good thing that there is chocolate to go around or they will "rip each other's head off" in frustration. Gee, Shawn likes to see himself as a violent man, doesn't he? Good thing there is chocolate, I guess, or Burnetto will be the first guy to show a real snuff show on TV. Burtman says in his interview that he wishes that the tribe will just grow up as they are being silly. Hmm, that's an actually intelligent thing to say. Maybe there's hope for him yet where there's none for that Mugwitt dimwit. Jon says that everything smells and points out that they have also receive some smelly and gross blankets, mosquito nets, and hammock from the chest. He describes this occasion as a "ghetto Christmas" where he wants a Hulk doll only to get his "sister's Ken doll painted green". If I'm his parents, that Ken doll will come without a head.

With the Quacks being such fabulous entertainment, Burnetto wisely decides to go back to the Morgons. Ryan O and the Feuhrer are walking along the beach after some early morning grooming ritual of picking lice of each other's body hair for breakfast. They want to go fishing using a fishing spear. Wow, they have a fishing spear all this while but they whine that they can't fish? The Feuhrer points out that the map of their island has a "dorsal fin" picture at one side of the island, so he thinks it's a good idea that they go fish at a shark-infested spot indicated at the map. Hopefully a "multitude" of fish will make the whole tribe happy for once. I hope the sharks eat him, because he looks pathetic wearing his business suit over his bare hirsute body and boxers - who goes fishing in that? Ryan O at least is wearing his jeans and a T-shirt. Then they are off, trampling through the shrubs. I send a psychic message to the sharks to get ready for an early breakfast.

T&A, Darrah, and Osten, the last two being the extra pinkies of the Morgon tribe, await the arrival of the impudent Quack looter. Osten whines that should this looter take the Morgons' last pot, it's "end of game" and the Morgons are all done for. It occurs to me that Osten will be very useful to the Morgons should they run out of place for toilet purposes, with his endless capacity to contain and spew BS like that. Apart from Jon, he's easily the most disgusting piece of stinking flotsam to ever grace this show. Darrah looks pinched in the face. You know what? From now on, "Darrah looks pinched in the face" will be shortened to just "Darrah" because I'm tired to typing that sentence again and again whenever the lazy Queen of Stiffs is given screen time as looking pinched in the face is 90% of all she does on this show. Ergo, "Darrah".

Trish turns out to be today's looter. She apologizes for what she has to do as she embraces T&A, and T&A grins and says, "Yeah, whatever!" Trish asks the three of them how they are doing, and I commend this Tuna Wesson clone at sounding convincing in her show of concern. T&A says that the Morgons are doing fine and that "our boys" are off fishing. Trish looks around the camp and she doesn't look too convinced at T&A's answer.

The Music Of Funny Chaos and Disorientation comes on. Oops, you will never imagine this, but the Feuhrer and Ryan O are lost! The Feuhrer sighs and compares this latest ordeal to The Blair Witch Project. Ryan O drinks from the canteen and realizes that he's drunk the last drop. Both men are horrified. The Feuhrer says nervously to the camera that it is "dangerous" not to have water. Somewhere, Scoutmarm Lil is watching this and laughing her head off.

Back at the Pits of Morgon, Trish is staring blankly at the shelter. T&A mistakes this as admiration and says that "our tough men" put that pathetic shelter together. T&A sounds like a Valley Girl nitwit - how Trish manages to keep a straight face is beyond me. Trish, that sneaky woman, says in a Very Sad Voice that "they" want her to take the lantern. She says that she asks the Quacks not to take anything, but... sigh, you know how it is, Trish is only a harmless old lady and her kind magnamimous suggestion is overruled by the other evil Quacks. "Darrah". Oh, and I think - think - she is happy that Trish takes only the lantern and the Morgons has especially added cooking oil in the lantern so the lantern probably won't work.

Meanwhile, the two "tough men" find themselves at a rocky beach where the sea is definitely rougher than that in their campsite. The Feuhrer says that maybe they have misread the map and ended up "too east" from the correct location. Ryan O stabs the spear into the sand in a tough show of frustration as the Feuhrer talks about how frustrated they are. Ryan O slurs that the others will be "a little upset" that the "tough men" fail to "bring home the bacon". At the rate these two are going, the others will be lucky if they bring home the greasy used wrapper from the butcher's trash bin, much less the bacon.

Night time at the Quackery Camp. Hagrid and Burtman are having a secret rendezvous, ooh. What are they talking about? Burtman is telling Hagrid that the both of them, being the strongest, will be sent packing the moment they make the merge. Burtman suggests that they deliberately throw the next few Immunity Challenges to kick out Trish and Cokecasta for the men's own survival. With this, Burtman has officially nominated himself for the Most Stupid Survivor award. Isn't it stupid to get rid of your own tribe members before the merge? What makes him think that the Morgons won't target Burtman and Hagrid after the merge? They will, make no mistake, so how will getting rid of Trish and Cokecasta now solve anything? And even better, why on earth is Burtman talking to a man he has mercilessly teased and ribbed for the last ten days? Macho Man here just wants to get rid of Cokecasta and trying to justify it as strategy, methinks. What Burtman says about the strong being targetted is valid, but the timing is all wrong.

Hagrid tells Burtman that okay, he can throw a challenge to keep them strong macho men united as one powerful team. I give him credit for not snarkily asking when they will get rid of Michelle for the sake of the Strong and the Mighty. In his interview, Hagrid tells a different story. "In a pirate culture, he will be dead!" Hagrid snarls, referring to Burtman. Uh, Hagrid, you are not a pirate, there is no pirate culture here, and you are going mad. Stop trying too hard to play to the cameras, Hagrid. Back at the rendezvous, Burtman wants reassurance from Hagrid that this pow-wow will stay between them and only them, saying that they can "run the game" as long as no one else knows of their agreement. Hagrid nods.

Day twelve. Jon Fairchild auditions for America's Most Imbecilic by sauntering up to the chest holding their Immunity Challenge missive and talking to it. If he thinks that this will land him in movies after the show, boy, he will be shocked because right now he is making Rob Schneider look like a talented thespian in comparison. Maybe he can play the mentally handicapped brother to Schneider's character in Deuce Bigalow II. The badly-worded missive talks about a chess game thingie. Michelle says that the Quacks are considering throwing this challenge to get rid of Cokecasta. Heh, you think, Michelle?

Because later, Hagrid will walk along the beach with Trish and Cokecasta and tell all about Burtman's plans to these ladies. This makes me suspect that not only is everyone else in an alliance against the Burtman Brigade, but the women like Trish and Cokecasta are actually the ones running the show. Hagrid says that Burtman has to go. Throwing challenges is the stupidest idea, he says, but he will do it if it means that the Quacks will remove a "little bit of cancer" from their system. He adds that with him on their side, the Quacks will never lose any Challenges. Hagrid, time for your meds. Lie down and sleep before you lose it completely. I foresee a time when Hagrid will collapse hard and fast from the pedestal he sets himself up on. He's funny but he also gets on my nerves when he starts buying his own myth, such as now, and then there's all that annoying "pirate culture" nonsense.

The Immunity Challenge will take place on what looks like Little Chiangmai: the tribes will stand at opposite ends of a pier structure and connecting these two piers are a network of planks forming what seems like a Chinese Checkers boardgame pattern. The Morgon's boat is tied to the pier where the Quacks are standing and vice versa. Each tribe will advance, one by one, one step at a time, along the plank network. If the next stepping point is blocked by a member of the opposing tribe, the two Survivors will have to duke it out. The one that fall into the water will have to go all the way back to the pier structure and start again. The winning tribe will be the one with all the members on their boat first. Probby holds up a tied-up scroll and promises a special reward in addition to Bruce the Immunity Idol to the winning tribe.

Burtman and Hagrid sit out on the challenge along with Trish on the Quack side.

After the tribe members have arranged themselves on the Chinese Checker board, Probby gives the call for them to go ahead. Osten versus Michelle. The moment Osten grabs her, Michelle happily jumps into the water. Osten puffs up at his first victory in ten days, but really, Michelle is the most subtle person ever, I tell you. Ryan O versus "NYC", which is Probby's bewildering nickname for Shawn. Why "NYC", Probby? Is it a reference to "New Year's Day, NYC, Jan 01 2000, men's washroom - don't tell Colby please"? Ryan O falls. Probby: "Shawn doesn't even get wet." I... let's move on. Jon versus Osten next. Jon jumps upon first contact - another subtle fellow. Probby: "Jon takes a bath!" The Feuhrer versus Michelle. Michelle grabs Feuhrer as she falls - now that's a better bluff - but since Michelle hits the water first, the Feuhrer can advance. Shawn pushes T&A off but T&A trips Shawn as she falls - you go, girl! - and they both fall into the water. Shawn get to advance though as T&A hits the water first. T&A comes out of the water to reveal that she wears only blur pixels under her skirt, so T&A she is. Shawn sits in the Quack boat and Probby asks the tribe why the two strongest Quack men are sitting out on this challenge. They tell him it's a group rotation thing. Yeah, right. Ryan O throws Michelle into the water. He joins Osten and the Feuhrer in the Morgon boat. T&A flings Jon into the water and joins them. Darrah pushes Trish off, and her bum is exposed. Never mind. Jon, Michelle, Cokecasta, and Darrah are now the only ones left on the board, and Darrah can walk around the planks to avoid all three Quack members. She joins the rest of her tribe on the boat. Probby announces that the Morgons have won immunity! Or rather, the Quacks have given the Morgons immunity! Jon openly winks and grins at Burtman as the Morgons cheer and T&A wipes at the tears rolling down her cheeks. Okay, I am touched at that moment, but I smirk a little as I imagine them right now watching this show on TV and realizing that damn, the Quacks pretty much offered this victory to them on a silver platter.

Probby proceeds to hammer home why the Quacks have inadvertently dug themselves into their own grave by reading the scroll. The scroll is probably empty and Probby have orders to issue separate "rewards" for separate winning tribes, I bet, because Burnetto loves the underdog thing and you can bet he will make sure that the Morgons will not join the dodos in that special place reserved for extinct species. Since Morgon wins, Probby announces that the Morgons can "pick a Castaway, any Castaway" from the Quacks to join them for the next three days. This Castaway cannot vote and accordingly cannot be evicted at Tribal Council and he or she will participate in the next Reward Challenge for the Morgons. The Morgons are all grins as the Feuhrer picks Hagrid. Hagrid frowns as Cokecasta rests her head on his chest in a melodramatic "don't leave me!" gesture. Hagrid stands up and tells the rest, "It's all good, baby. It will only be temporary." He then proceeds to climb onto the Morgon boat. Probby says unnecessarily that he thinks that the Morgins like Hagrid. The Morgons laugh. The Feuhrer punches the air with his fists. Hagrid sits on the boat, actually looking pleased, because this whole event only solidifies his belief that he is a Very Important Person indeed. It's a wonder the boat doesn't sink under the weight of his ego alone.

Day twelve. The Quackery. Burtman sits down and watches as Big Sandra and Cokecasta crush coffee beans. Cokecasta in her voice-over says that Hagrid's absence is "unsettling". She knows she could be going tonight and for her sake, she can only hope that Jon Fairplay is on the side of the 9-to-5 clique instead of the Burtman Brigade. Shawn tells Jon that if they boot out Cokecasta, the Burtman Brigade can discard "those old people" Trish and Big Sandra's votes - that is, Sandra and Trish will have no say over their fates in the tribe. Geez, why do men always underestimate women on Survivor? Haven't they learned anything from Jabba and InVeeSible? Cocky men tend to fall really hard on this show unless your name is Fatman Hatch or Porno. Burtman is sure that Jon Fairplay is on their side and it will be a four-against-three vote with Cokecasta leaving tonight.

But Jon is now talking to "those old people" all about Burtman's plans, which Hagrid has already told them earlier. Poor Jon is already irrelevant. Cokecasta says that Jon claims to be on the 9-to-5 clique's side, but she's not sure about trusting the man entirely. Jon tells the two women that the Burtman Brigade believe that Michelle will be the 9-to-5 clique's target. Oh, those macho men - do they believe themselves so invulnerable, so important?

I don't want to talk about the next few scenes. Let's just say it's a truly horrid montage of a drunk Jon Fairplay screaming, howling, shouting, claiming to be a puppetmaster (the cryptkeeper, more like) because he has three or four different alliances going, and running naked into the sea to play with Burtman. And Burtman still thinks wearing a skirt is degrading? Someone please take an ugly stick and beat Jon unconscious, because I really can't stand watching that punk on my TV.

It's now night and Tribal Council is starting. Probby watches as the Quacks file in, asks them to light their torches and comments that fire is life and all that. Probby waits until the Quacks are seated and then fires his first shot at the imbecile Jon: what does Jon think of the current situation of the Quacks? "Awesome! Awesom! Awesome! Happy tribe! Can't be better!" Jon begins talking. Probby gives him a wonderful Evil Stare of Bitchiness and asks that man point-blank in a tone that will make even the most acerbic drama queens around cringe in delight, "Jon, are you loaded?" "Yeah," Jon nods, unaware, as fools his kind tend to do, that he's just been giving the verbal finger by Probby, adding that it's not a happy day here but he wants to make everything as "happy" as possible. Happiness is me seeing Jeff battering him in the head with the battle-ax shaped torch douser, and happiness still eludes me.

Michelle insists that everyone's a friend. Sheesh. Cokecasta neatly avoids Probby's attempt to get them to confess to throwing the Immunity Challenge, reiterating the duty rotation thing so that every tribe member has the chance to participate in the fun and games. She's even less convincing than Michelle. Burtman, when asked, says that it is great that the Quacks keep winning but you can't control the game unless you vote people off. Um, okay. Probby then returns to Jon, snidely pointing out that Jon has proclaimed himself to be a "good strategist" and asking Jon what he is basing his vote on tonight. Jon grins and says he's looking at astrological signs for guidance. In a brief few seconds of silence, Probby's quiet fury reverberates across Pearl Islands and the people of Panama close their windows tight in fear of an impending earthquake. Rumor has it that some of the footages that end up on the cutting room floor has Probby yelling at Jon to "shut the f**k up" and watching Probby's disgust at Jon pretty much emanating from him like a golden aura, it's very easy to believe that rumor. "Is it a respectful way to treat someone you have been living with for twelve days?" Probby demands to know. "Maybe, maybe not," Jon answers glibly. Use the torch douser, Probby, use the douser!

It's now time to vote.

Trish - Burtman.

Big Sandra - Burtman.

Cokecasta - "Bert". "You're the biggest threat we have. See ya, buddy."

Michelle - Cokecasta.

Burtman - Cokecasta. "Christa, this is a tough game about making strategic decisions. Indecisiveness will get you nothing but a one-way ticket home."

Shawn - Burtman. Horrors! Et tu, Muggwitt?

Jon Fairplay dances his way to the voting booth - the most disgusting freak to ever grace this show, definitely, and scribbles down his vote - Burtman. "Too much of a threat." He makes that two-finger waggle gesture with each hand. I'm told that this is the trademark sign of the wrestler Booker T. If I get that wrong, my excuse is that I don't watch wrestling that much. "Can you dig that, sucker?" he adds as he adds his vote to the pot. Jon, I have seen funny confessionals from Rat Boy and let me say that you are no Rat Boy, just one truly repugnant freak that is funny only to yourself. And he is smirking when Probby announces that he's tallying the votes, sitting there with his arms crossed so that he has that two finger thing on each shoulder. God, enough with the bad theatrics already, buffoon!

Burtman is shocked when he's evicted. Michelle is close to tears. Jon is smirking openly - is it wise to show one's cards this early in the game? Big Sandra just looks nonchalant. Probby waves them off, his parting words being that the self-professed "one big happy tribe" will have some things to talk about for the rest of the night.

Burtman's parting words? He says he is a threat, he can understand, but he wishes the Quacks good luck as "it will be harder" without him in the tribe. Yeah, they will have a hard time without those stupid Hagrid ribbing from a man that stupidly decides to throw a challenge and ends up getting thrown out of the tribe. Rome has Caligula, Pearl Islands have Burtman. All hail Burtman - the king of fools!

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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