SURVIVOR

Guatemala Episode 10: Sleeping and Eating with the Enemy

Previously, the boot order was like this: Gary or Jamie, and then Bobby Jon. Jamie won the Immunity Necklace that I've christened Waldo. Gary found Wally, thanks to Judd. Poor Bobby Jon found himself taking a hike without ever having a chance to do anything to stop it from coming. There are no more pretty, pretty eyes and gentlemanly crazy to make my Guatemala days warm again. Oh, let's just move on and wonder whether Lydia can be even more useless and stupid than she is in this episode.

Night, day twenty-four, fresh from Tribal Council. As the Yownooks return to camp, of course they swarm around Gary to ask him where he found Wally and whether he had Wally in his pants all along. The answer, folks, is that he found it inside a tree and he found it earlier today, before they head over to Tribal Council. For some reason, this leads Jamie to tell the camera that Gary is a sneaky fellow. Why, because Gary found Wally? That doesn't make him sneaky (other things about him do, though), that makes him wily. Okay, his reasoning becomes clear when he starts telling Cindy, Stephenie, Rafe, and Judd that Gary deliberately voted for Cindy to... um, confuse matters? Throw people off his track? Since everyone seems to know that Gary voted for Cindy, I don't think anyone is confused. Cindy tries to tell Jim that she really doesn't care that she got a vote from Gary because it's not like she can do anything about that anyway. "It's one vote. Whoopee-doodle!" she tells him as she shrugs her shoulders. Cindy tells the camera that Jamie likes to start arguments with the people around him and when she obviously doesn't get angry at Gary for voting for her, Jamie starts getting angry at her. Maybe all poor Jamie wants is a good old-fashioned lynching where they all get to string Gary up a tree, who knows? Cindy and later Stephenie try to tell him that what Gary did does not affect their gameplan and really, what he did didn't matter the least, but Jamie keeps telling them that it does without really explaining why.

And then Jamie goes off to confront Gary, much to Cindy's confusion. Jamie now tries to get Gary to admit that Gary is a liar because apparently two episodes ago Gary promised Jamie to vote out Brandon when Gary instead voted for Jamie. Unless there are some unshown footages of such a scene that they never showed on TV (which could be very likely given how they cram more important footages of people picking their noses at the expense of reels of unshown scenes of plotting and intrigue on this show), I don't remember Gary doing this in that episode. Whether he did or not, Gary is denying ever telling Jamie that he would vote out Brandon right now, which Jamie views as Gary's way of accusing him as a liar. In this confrontation, Gary is lying down and looking up at Jamie as if he doesn't give a damn what Jamie thinks while Jamie looks like he's about to start jumping up and down like a flea-infested chimpanzee. Judd comes between the two men to tell Jamie that Gary didn't call Jamie a liar and that Jamie should calm down. Jamie says that he and Gary are both calm, it's only that they are both "mad". Yes, mad. Gary, that evil man, calmly tells Jamie that he isn't mad. Oh ho, so only Jamie is the mad one! Judd tells Jamie to cram it because Jamie is losing this verbal battle with Gary very, very quickly and he's really coming off like a fool. Poor Jamie grits his teeth angrily and shuts up. Gary wins this round by remaining calm while quietly goading Jamie into foaming rabidly at the mouth. Bless him.

Day twenty-five. Straight to the Reward Challenge, people! Obviously Burnetto needs plenty of airtime to show these Survivors getting indulged in the upcoming Reward Challenge. Probby and his ugly hat both smile at the Yownooks while thinking inside their heads how they really should get married and move to Mexico where they would live the rest of their lives happily ever after in their lovely marijuana patch. With that hat, after all, Julie will never recognize him and neither would the tax man! Anyway, for this Challenge, the Yownooks will divide themselves into two teams, each team comprising two men and two women. The male pair will first run along an obstacle course in a mud pit, first climbing over a fence, then crawling under the next fence, before climbing over the next fence and collecting an urn of corn. They will then take back this urn along the way they came from - crossing the three obstacles again - and then fill up a pot with the corn they have collected. This is trickier than it seems because both men are tied together using a rope so they have to figure out how to get over or under the obstacle without spilling too much corn. Once the men return, the women take over and go out to get more corn. The first team to fill their pot to a white line near the mouth of the pot wins this episode's Reward: a helicopter ride to some mansion where they will get to eat, bathe, wash their clothes, and sleep in comfortable beds. Folgers is still desperate enough to be a sponsor on this show so the winners will get to drink Folgers coffee the next morning. Everyone has an orgasm on the spot when Probby describes the reward and Probby probably thinks that they are just admiring his hat.

The teams are arranged as follow: Jamie, Rafe, Cindy, and Lydia versus Stephenie, Danni, Judd, and Gary. Yes, you guessed it, the team with the useless stump Lydia loses. I'm sure you can guess why. Rafe and Jamie have a good thing going and they have a considerable lead over Judd and Gary in the first round. And then Lydia and poor Cindy take over and soon Cindy has to drag Lydia along. Lydia wastes precious time on all fours moaning helplessly in the mud just inches before the pot, causing Stephenie and Danni, two athletic women in their own right, to make up for the loss of lead by the men of their team and even overtaking the other team. Jamie and Rafe once again catch up with Gary and Judd in the next round. And then they have to release Lydia and Cindy into the mud trench again and really, it's all over. Stephenie and Danni bring back enough corn to fill the pot to the designated level while Cindy is still trying to pull Lydia to the third obstacle. Jamie yells at Cindy and Lydia to keep going and finish the race but Cindy yells back that it is ridiculous and they are just wasting their time. Poor Jamie and his barely-hanging shorts are left holding a torch that sputters out quickly. Meanwhile, the winners are escorted, still covered in mud, into a helicopter that flies into the scene right on cue. Yes, they are seated in the helicopter all muddy and dirty. Cleaning up that helicopter will be a true chore in every sense of the word and I pity the fool who has to do it.

The mud-slathered winners go ooh and aah over the scenic panorama viewed from from their helicopter and Danni exclaims that this is her first time in a helicopter. And she's covered with mud from head to toe so I guess it's safe to say that this is indeed a rare first time to be remembered always. They soon reach this bungalow with a pool and plenty of rooms and furniture to be covered with mud. The owner, Louis or Luis or Louie depending on which of the four Survivors you ask - I'll just stick to Louie - offers his hand to these Survivors while taking care to stand a distance away to avoid getting mud on his shiny shoes. He must either owe Burnetto in a big way or he needs money badly to let these people pollute his house like that. The four clean up under the showers by the pool - oh, the poor maid who has to clean after them! - and Stephenie talks about being in no hotter foursomes than this one she is currently in. Judd decides to take off all his clothes before joining Gary, Danni, and Stephenie in the pool. I'd like to imagine that the wide expanse of pixel around his crotch area is because of the wideness of his bum and not due to any unnecessary girth or length of his penis. How come this show offers close-ups of the bums and breasts of the bikinied Stephenie and Danni and even Danni talking about two hot chicks in a shower but all I get is a bare-assed Judd? How come it is always these hideous men that get naked but not the hot ones? And really, why do these people like Burnetto assume that their audience are predominantly men when many of the fans of this show that I come across are women? Women need T&A too! Bring on the T&A! I want a Bobby Jon, Jamie, Blake, and Brandon wet T-shirt contest now! Anyway, back to the goaty foursome, they later eat, although thankfully the camera never zooms low enough to let me see whether Judd is still naked while they are all eating. Stephenie thinks that the losers waiting back at camp must be seething in disappointment. She specifically mentions Lydia.

Which is the show's cue to show me more of that stumpy useless bag of suck, of course, as if the sight of her sucky midget highness in a bikini top isn't bad enough for my health. Okay, we all know that Lydia sucks big time, but she decides that it's nicer to add at least twenty layers of moron icing to her stupid cake when she keeps talking to the other three Yownooks about how she sucked so bad at the Challenge on their way back to camp and even when they are all back at camp. She won't shut up. She then talks about how they should all be mad at her because they are missing out on good food, hot baths, and coffee. Rafe tries to tell her that losing is a team effort - he's generous, I'll give him that - but Lydia just keeps going on and on about how much she sucks. And she does suck! Rafe eventually chuckles that he would loved to ride that helicopter. Jamie, by the way, just glowers. In a way, I understand how he is feeling at that moment. I'd love to shove a salmon down Lydia's throat as well.

Later, Rafe and Jamie play that game that I know only by its Malay name - congkak - but it turns out that it is called "mancala" as well. How do I know? Well, thanks to Jamie later in the episode. Anyway, as they play mancala, Jamie tells Rafe that the Final Three should be he, Rafe, and Judd. He wants Rafe to give his word - or "swear" - to Jamie that he will go along with Jamie's plan. Rafe, who clearly doesn't feel comfortable or is good at lying, says clumsily that he doesn't feel comfortable swearing to Jamie his soul, allegiance, heart, and body (okay, maybe not body) because he'd like to think through the plan first. Rafe tells the camera that he doesn't understand what Jamie is thinking. Um, which part of "Rafe, Judd, and Jamie as Final Three" doesn't Rafe understand? Rafe thinks that Jamie is "losing it". Rafe always thinks that Jamie is losing it for three episodes now. Maybe it's time for Rafe to look into the thesaurus for a new way of saying "for some reason, I think Jamie is crazy because he wants to be in the Final Three, go figure". Anywa, Jamie tells Rafe to "swear" that Rafe will stick to the Final Six plan (you know, with Jamie, Rafe, Cindy, Judd, Stephenie, and Lydia). Okay, maybe the constant obsession with "swearing" on Jamie's part is creepy. Rafe tries to laugh and tells Jamie that he will. Jamie makes it clear that there will be consequences if Rafe betrays him and Rafe laughs nervously some more. Okay, now Jamie is officially crazy and stupid. Surely there is a better way to hold an alliance than to threaten people around him?

Still, Gary proves that he is perhaps only a little better at "strategizing" when at Louie's mansion, he stares deadly at the camera as he gives a confessional in his most wooden voice that has me convinced that he is a member of the living dead. He says that he will take the opportunity to "strengthen" his "ties" to Judd and Stephenie. Poor Danni must be feeling left out. By "stengthening his ties", what Gary means is that he is opening a page in his own personal Mein Kempf, where "Aryans" is crossed out for "ex-NFL players, or failing that, athletes". He asks those two and Danni over fish and chips whether they are happy with their alliance. Stephenie, obviously trying not to groan, says that Gary asked a hard question. I mean, really, they are in control and they are good to go, but there is a possibility that Judd and Stephenie are unhappy with their alliance, I suppose. Gary tries to shed some reason as to why Judd and Stephenie are unhappy: some of their alliance members - he specifically mentions Cindy and Lydia - are NOT WORTHY! Like a bad hack trying to sell Scientology to a bunch of Amish folks, Gary says that only the "most deserving" should win and it is only pure and holy that the "most deserving" get to go to the end where they will no doubt then let Gary take the prize because naturally he's the most deserving of them all. That's what these people always mean when they talk about "the most deserving", no? Still, if Gary's piece-of-crap shilling means the glorious boot of Lydia the useless stump, I'm all for Gary's brand of reality TV eugenics. As long as he doesn't suggest that he and Stephenie start making babies with superior genes, that is. Stephenie, naturally, thinks that Gary's idea makes sense. After all, she believes her own legend better than most and to Stephenie, the greatest and most deserving Survivor of all time is Stephenie. Still, she is comfortable with her current alliance, as she admits to the camera. Back to her, Gary, Danni and Judd, she asks the others who they'd vote out under ideal circumstances with no alliances between them. Gary and Danni do not hesitate to mention Jamie. As they all get ready to go off to their beds, Judd tells the camera that while he hasn't changed his mind about his alliance, he thinks that it's nice to know the "others", Danni and Gary, more. He's bittersweet about how the day turns out since knowing these people more means that he may end up having to betray those people that he has grown to like. "That's just the way it is. If I want to go a little farther in this game, that's just the way it's got to go," he concludes. I don't like him, really, but... amen, Judd.

Day twenty-six. Stephenie, Judd, Danni, and Gary wake up, looking all clean and freshened up, to discover that there are Folgers coffee machine and several flavors of coffee beans waiting for them provided that they can deliver adequately some sales pitch passed off as "conversations to each other" and "confessionals". So yeah, drink Folgers, people, because Mountain Dew bailed out on this show a long time ago. Louis then shows up with a parcel that is about the size of... could it be? Yes, it's videos from home for each of them! Yay, bring on the sentimental tinklings of the piano of Lurve Lurve Lurve for it's time for everyone to meet the people that spawned these Survivors. Say hi to Judd's wife, daughter, and family. Danni is happy that she sees less of her family and more of her dogs because she worries about the dogs more than her family during her abscene. That makes sense, since she's away for only slightly more than a month and it's not like her family will secretly move away in the meantime and leave no clue as to where she can find them. The dogs however are a different story. Stephenie's video seems to feature the entire city or something because there are so many of them. Everyone cheers and gasps according to the program. After recapping so many seasons, it's hard to find new ways to describe the whole "My Family Is Still Alive! And They Love Me! Sob, sob, sob!" moments because there is really no way to do it differently every season other than to make fun of how the family members or friends look like. I'll just let Gary do the speaking when he tells the camera how touched he is to see everyone else's family because he has heard so much about them. Ah, but does he find them deserving as well? Does he? DOES HE? His video features his family doing some chanting for him at the end. Maybe it's a rallying cry for landscapers everywhere, I suppose, to pick up rakes and start weeding out the inferior, the weak, and the useless for the betterment of a perfect society.

Later that day, the four have to leave Louie and rejoin the undeserving folks back at camp. Stephenie brings back some coffee, especially for Cindy, because Cindy loves coffees - as much as she loves howler monkeys, I suspect - as her subsequent orgasming before the camera proves it. Yes, that's what my recapping this show has boiled down to: a freaking sentence that sums up all that is important about the show. Cindy loves coffee so, so much. Thanks a lot, Burnetto.

Jamie calls Judd aside for some paranoia-driven pow-wow where Judd reassures him that nothing has changed. Jamie asks him whether there is any strategy talk at all out there and Judd with a straight face tells him that everyone in the bungalow was just having fun. Gary shows up, no doubt to interrupt those two because he's sneaky that way, and Jamie changes the subject quickly. Gary tells the camera that he hopes that his becoming close to Danni and Stephenie back at the mansion (I'll just have to take his word for it, I suppose) will somehow help him in staying in the game a little longer. If it doesn't, hey, at least he tried and he knows that he'll be the next to go. How easy-going and simultaneously intense and creepy-eyed at the same time, this Gary.

Hey, it's now time for the Immunity Challenge. Unlike some other Challenges, this one is pretty interesting but like the others, impossible to recap. In the first stage, each Survivor is tied around the waist with a long rope. This rope is tied along, up, down, over, and over again along a fence-like obstacle the stretches along a path. The first four to untangle themselves (by moving along the obstacle while trying to unwind the rope) and cross the finish line will move on to the next round, which is the same thing only with an obstacle that now is three levels high so there will be climbing up and down and around as well. It's hard to recap this Challenge but it's worth trying to catch this episode again for if you happen to miss this episode the first time around.

Judd fumbles quickly off the gate: he's a big man so he can't possibly be expected to be as quick or nimble as the others. Lydia is, duh, completely useless. Danni also falls behind while Rafe and Jamie duke it out until Rafe manages to reach the finish line first. So he, Jamie, Stephenie, and Cindy (who narrowly beats Gary) will move on. In the next round, Stephenie is quickly out of the running while Jamie struggles heavily. It's down to Cindy, who may need Waldo, versus Rafe, who doesn't need Waldo, with Rafe narrowly beating her to Waldo. So Rafe wins Waldo thanks to his lithe physique and, I suspect, the strength and stamina hidden beneath his deceptively mild-mannered demeanor. Probby congratulates Rafe and sends them all back to camp. Poor Gary, he sulks. Maybe he will stare extra-intensely at Rafe all through the rest of the day.

Back at camp, Rafe realizes that he's won two Immunity Challenges and finished second in one other so gosh, he's going to be viewed as a huge threat so he will have to change his gameplay. Um, okay. Maybe he will now start mudwrestling everyone into submission. Meanwhile, Stephenie, Gary, and Danni decide that there's nothing better than to reopen old wounds so they rehash their failure to win Waldo. I'm... moving on to better things. Like Jamie and Judd once more discussing things. Jamie wants assurances from Judd repeatedly about their alliance holding and Judd tells the camera that Jamie is paranoid because he really isn't going anywhere. Maybe Jamie will get one vote from Gary but that's all as far as Judd is concerned. Jamie seems somewhat reassured by Judd and tells Judd that Rafe is Stephenie's "lapdog". Judd says that he is aware of this. Jamie tells the camera that he is aware that eventually the others will see him as a physical threat - as opposed to a crazy and scary fellow that they think of him at the moment - and Gary is his shield to the others catching on. So he is trying to oust Gary... why? What a moron. Be like Tom the Mighty in Palau! Use Stephenie and later Gregg as shields to his own physical strength until the idiots realize too late that there is no ousting him because it's too late! Especially when they were already in the Final Three, eh, Ian and Katie, those stupid, stupid, incredibly stupid twits? But no, Jamie instead corners Cindy and demands to know whether she's sticking with the Plan. She tells him that she hasn't heard any differently so there's no reason why she shouldn't stick with the plan. She tells the camera that Jamie is driving her crazy with his paranoia and he doesn't know when to shut up. Oh, Jamie. What happened to the "don't ruin the mood with words, pretty boy" policy to live by?

Jamie now demands to Rafe that they go play mancala, which Rafe tells the camera is Jamie's way to saying that they need to talk strategy. I don't think the whole "let's play mancala" thing is fooling anyone, really, because Jamie has this sullen expression on his face. People will more likely suspect that these two are either in a lover's spat and Jamie wants some TLC now before they believe that those two are really going to play mancala. Okay, they are playing mancala, sort of, while Jamie growls to Rafe about whether there is some plot out to bring Jamie down and Rafe keeps his eyes on his hand as it moves around the makeshift mancala board while telling Jamie that everything is fine. Rafe assures him that he, at least, is still on board with the Final Six plan, but he jokes that he may change his mind if Jamie keeps asking him. Jamie says that if that happens, he would "murder" Rafe. He's joking, that Jamie, but being Jamie, that joke doesn't come out well at all.

Rafe now plays cards with Lydia using leaves in the place of cards and he tells Lydia that Jamie has egged him seven times in this day alone whether he is sticking with the Plan. He has had it with Jamie and he thinks that they should all boot Jamie out. Lydia is all "What should I do? What do you want me to do? What do I do? What do I think?" and I get so irritated watching her stupefied and confused expression on TV that I have some choice words for that idiot who thought it would be great to put her on this show. Lydia moans to the camera that she has been with Jamie since day one so of course she is torn about what to do. Luckily for our stupid little stump, Stephenie shows up and while she has reservations about Gary being a "smooth operator", she agrees with Rafe to kick Jamie out. They both turn to stupid little Lydia who looks at them with her "What do I do?" expression that begs to be smacked with a smelly salmon. What would Lydia do indeed? Maybe I would actually be in suspense if I actually believe that Lydia is capable of forming her own strategy in her head.

Night, Tribal Council. Okay, look away, people, because I'm going to a temporary lapse into fangirl mode the moment Probby invites the first member of the Jury to walk in. OOOH, BOBBY JON IS SO CUTE!!!!! Okay, you people can look now. I'm back to my usual self. Probby gets the whole bunch going about how much they love each other and how they will miss everybody when everybody is gone, which is hilarious because come on, we all know they don't mean a thing about what they are babbling. When it's time to vote, Probby lets them vote. Jamie votes for Gary because it's either him or Gary tonight. Judd votes for Gary. And... everyone else votes for Jamie, much to Judd's horror! Heh, heh, heh. How on earth did he manage to get himself out of loop? I guess I will find out in the next episode. Jamie gets up and gets his torch snuffed. As he leaves, he turns one last time to the remaining Yownooks and cries, "Blindsided! Nice! Now that's how you vote somebody out!" Maybe it's just me but I think he's genuinely pleased that they blindsided him, since he's that alpha male type who'd not be happy to lie down and wait for the others to boot him out. Hopefully he'll regain the rest of his cool over a few drinks at Loser Lodge with Bobby Jon. They'd talk about how they dislike Stephenie and let the alcohol take over and... um, be really good friends or something. Probby says that Jamie has given them some "good advice" - blindsiding is good, people, because the Jury will be so happy when they are blindsided - and tells them to take Jamie's "gift" to heart before banishing them from his sight. I think they'd rather see Jamie's absence as that "gift".

In his final words, Jamie is so angry with Lydia, saying that he will have difficulty in forgiving her. He concludes that it is so sad when someone good turns bad. So he thinks that Lydia sucks? Tell me something I don't know. In the meantime, goodbye, Jamie. I must confess that I find him increasingly nice to look at as the season progresses and I really hope that the game hasn't gotten to him the way that the editing seems to suggest that it has. Either way, the reign of the alpha males in Guatemala has officially ended. Long live... Stephenie?

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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