SURVIVOR

Guatemala Episode 9: Secrets and Lies and an Idol Surprise

Previously, it was the time to merge and it was just like what you expected with the likes of Judd and Jamie being in charge. Probby announced that there was a hidden immunity idol out there. After much embarrassing subjugation by the Nookums and whining about how the "old" tribe was better, the Yowzas had to say goodbye to Brandon. Who would be the first member of the Jury? Find out at the end of the episode, folks!

Day twenty-one, night, Camp Yownook. The Yownooks are returning from Tribal Council and Jamie is not a happy person. Dramatically pulling off his sweatshirt - I must admit that his still beefy body is something nice to look at compared to the walking skeletons around him - Jamie complains to Rafe about Bobby Jon "bullying" him during the Tribal Council when Bobby Jon called him "no class". Rafe tries to calm him down by telling him that everyone here has made the Jury so they should all be pleased. The poor guy looks like he'd rather be anywhere rather than be at the receiving end of Jamie's tirade. Even Judd tries to tell Jamie to calm down by telling Jamie not to bring up Bobby Jon. Jamie says that he isn't when he actually just brought up Bobby Jon seconds ago to Rafe so there you go. Jamie clams up nonetheless and Rafe gives a small smile of relief. Rafe is the epitome of sleeping with the pigs in order to get his hands on the money. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. Judd tells Jamie not to go to bed "angry". I wonder whether that's some sort of invitation from Judd to Jamie for some hot angry sex in the shelter. Jamie insists however that he is not angry, it's just that his feelings are "hurt". Awww, poor Jamie. Bobby Jon is a bad, bad boy! Bobby Jon tells the camera that Jamie is indeed without class and Jamie is angry at him for saying things that are true in the Tribal Council. It looks like all these alpha males are going to have to go to bed angry tonight. Maybe they should all take Judd's advice and indulge in some hot monkey love to exorcise the negative feelings inside them. Hmm, Bobby Jon and Jamie. Ahem.

Anyway, back at camp, Jamie and Bobby Jon have a small confrontation with little drama where Bobby Jon tries to tell Jamie that it is not gentlemanly nor sporting to mock people during competitions. So says the guy who waved his legs in the end to taunt his rivals only a few episodes ago, eh? Jamie tells Bobby Jon that even if Jamie has no class, Bobby Jon shouldn't call him on that because it is not a gentlemanly thing to do. This is because, to Jamie, calling him "no class" is the same as calling him "white trash". Hmm, I sense some childhood insecurities in that scene. Has Jamie been drinking to drown his sorrows? That probably explains his nonsensical babbling at that moment. Bobby Jon and Jamie go on and on for a while in their roundabout manner. I'm sure you know by now how oblique Bobby Jon can be and Jamie is proving that he can match Bobby Jon in being oblique and nonsensical any time of the day. I am not even going to try sorting out their conversation. Bottom line is, Jamie announces that Bobby Jon has broken his heart and Bobby Jon apologizes to Jamie for doing so. Okay, boys, it's time to make up and get rid of the anger inside. Send the home video to me, please. I need something to watch on boring and rainy days.

Danni tries to play the mediator, obviously not afraid of being caught in some crossfire, by telling Jamie that Bobby Jon wasn't trying to judge Jamie but actually commenting on Jamie's behavior. Hey, nobody is making sense at this point so I'm not expecting much from her. Judd tells Jamie that Jamie is taking things too personally. Jamie insists that the others would feel the same as him if they are in his shoes. It's weird, really, seeing him trying to portray himself as the wounded party when he was the one acting like the evil stepmother to the Yowza Cinderellas in the previous episode. After some more roundabout babblings, Jamie and Bobby Jon finally make peace by shaking hands. Jamie says that he hates drama and instead of pointing out to Jamie that he started the whole thing, Bobby Jon generously commends Jamie for speaking from his heart. I have a hunch that these two men are going to be very good friends some time in the future because men can strange like that.

Rafe tells the camera that Jamie took things too personally and if Jamie doesn't learn anything from the experience, Rafe will personally make sure that Rafe will "change up the game". What, like he did in the last episode? Rafe talks the talk but he doesn't actually do anything, does he? I don't mind someone who sleeps with the enemy to win but I wish Rafe will stop trying to act like he's pained and tormented by his conscience when he's not going to do anything about it. In short, shut up or put out, Rafe.

Morning, day twenty-two. Lydia starts the day by pounding corn to serve as breakfast. Judd doesn't want any, complaining to the camera that he really doesn't mind living here apart from the food. Maybe next time Burnetto will consider adding a valet and a chef into the show. Judd points out unneccessarily that Gary, Bobby Jon, and Danni are on borrowed time where their presence in the game is concerned. He, Stephenie, and Jamie have a little pow-wow where Stephenie tells the other two that it is not easy to come this far into the game so they should try and stick with the alliance that has brought them this far. Judd says that the Yowzas will do the same thing if the tables are turned. The show then edits in this shot of Judd and Stephenie laughing diabolically like they've just been possessed by the spirit of Ming the Conqueror. I think Burnetto is trying to tell me that Judd and Stephenie are evil or something.

Bobby Jon, Danni, and Gary begin hunting for Wally the hidden immunity idol once they've had their breakfast. Danni and Bobby Jon give predictable confessions about how they know they are on the chopping block, et cetera, while Gary launches into a tale of how he personally rebounded in a past game against Detroit and led his team to victory. Some enthusiastic people out there have done some research and found that Gary's team didn't win. Whatever, Gary. He must be really desperate to regain his former glory if he starts making up his legend in his own mind. Anyway, Gary says that he is trying to do the same here to stay in the game. What, the lying? Oh, he means trying to find a way to stay in the game. As he searches, he tells the camera that he'd be happy if he finds Wally but if not, hey, at least he has tried.

It looks like Wally doesn't want yet to be found since it's now time for the Reward Challenge. Probby stands near a pole and awaits the Yownooks with his usual bored-witless smile plastered on his face. Once they are all here, Probby points out the pole and tells them that for today they are going to use... um, some sort of weapon that looks like a sprinkler, I suppose, to throw arrows towards the pole. Anyway, the person who gets an arrow closest to, if not into, the pole wins the best meal at an upcoming banquet at a reward lodge, which is steak and lobster. The person with the next closest arrow wins the second best meal and so forth. Also, the winner will get the clue to the location of Wally. See what I told you guys in the previous recap? There will be clues to that stupid thing because Burnetto doesn't want his grand twist to go to waste.

Judd begins and hits quite close to the pole. Bobby Jon flunks his throw. Rafe aims for a medium feast and his arrow appropriately lands in the middle between Judd and Bobby Jon. I hope he doesn't apply that principle for the rest of his game. Cindy's arrow lands just behind Judd's. Lydia's aim is worse than Bobby Jon's. Meet the deadweight that is destined to end up in the Final Four. You know there's one of those every season. It's like the Useless Cripple Old Bag Scout's Law or something that there has to be one useless turd in the Final Four every season. Anyway, to cut the story short, Judd gets the best meal and the clue to Wally. Lydia would have come in last if Jamie hasn't announced to Probby that he'd like to take the meal for the person who comes in last even if he actually comes in fourth place because he'd like to make amends to the other Yownooks. He says that he realizes now that they are all in the same tribe and he's sorry to realize that only now. Of course, he's trying to save his own butt by trying to take the heat off himself. At least he knows that he is annoying people left and right, I suppose. Probby asks Rafe for his opinion of Jamie's so-called selflessness and Rafe heavy-handedly talks about Jamie learning a lot about himself. Ugh, Rafe really should stop trying so hard to be high-handed and self-righteous when he's covered with mud like the rest of the pigs in his tribe. Probby says that Jamie is giving up "a lot" to make amends. Is this my cue to stand up and applaud Jamie? Maybe I would if this move manages to help Jamie advance in his game. I'd hold my applause for now because I think I'd wait and see how things pan out.

Later that day, Probby leads the Yownooks to the lodge where their feast awaits them. Judd gets to sit at a special table reserved for the winner while the others sit around a long table. Jamie gets to sit at the very end because he's getting the loser's meal. No, they can't eat the dogs running around the place and before they even ask, Probby quickly explains that the dogs live in that place. Judd gets his lobster and steak, as he is promised, along with beer. Alcohol cleans the system, after all! Cindy gets a more balanced meal of chicken and vegetables along with the compulsory alcohol. Danni will be eating spaghetti. Stephenie gets Jamie's meal - burger and fries - to which Jamie insists that his "self-respect" tastes better. Yeah, he's been practising that line all day, I'd bet. Gary gets a slice of pizza. Strange, really, what makes spaghetti rank higher than pizza in the "winner/loser" ladder. Rafe gets the last decent meal, a ham and cheese sandwich. Bobby Jon gets a baked potato, Lydia gets a small fish (she actually cries in relief because she fears that she would get something worse like a cracker), and finally, Jamie gets a small bowl of nuts and water from the lake. Probby assures Jamie that the water is boiled. I'm sure Jamie doesn't mind. His self-respect, after all, will go well with the meal. Probby also invites Judd to invite a few people to share his table so that they can also partake in Judd's open bar as well as dessert. Okay, so Judd now has an open bar and dessert as well as his lobster and steak. That guy is going to be squatting in the bushes for hours after this meal, I tell you. Judd invites Stephenie - of course - and Bobby Jon, to my surprise. Judd says that Bobby Jon has been good to him since day one while Stephenie has been good to him since the tribe reshuffle. Hmm, Gary looks miffed. Is he expecting Judd to call his name? Probby hands over the clue to Wally to Judd and let these people pig out.

Stephenie unnecessarily explains how she, Judd, and Bobby Jon eat and drink and eat and drink some more. Still, she is nice enough to share her burger with Bobby Jon and Judd also shares some of his steak with Bobby Jon. It must be Bobby Jon's birthday. They must be fattening him up for the kill. Bobby Jon says to the camera that he tries not to act as if he's enjoying himself too much so as to not make the people at the Loser Section miserable or uncomfortable. He brings up Gary, in particular, and I suspect that it's because Gary all this while is staring at the Winner's Table like he wants to steal their food and eat them up as well. Judd, after ordering vodka and cranberry juice (more vodka, of course), notices Gary as well as tells Gary that Gary is "killing" him "over there, kid". Really, Judd calls Gary "kid". Gary chuckles fakely and pretends that he hasn't been staring at the Winner's Table with absolute loathing. He says that he won't look at Judd anymore. To the camera, Gary says that he doesn't like to see Judd and his two buddies pig out and get drunk at the table. I know, I've seen his face. Gary is creepy. But Judd and Bobby Jon getting drunk and acting up a storm is just as creepy. I suspect that these Survivors have to undergo some "How Are You Like When You Are Drunk?" test during the casting process and only those who act like complete twits under the influence of alcohol will be cast. I think I can live nicely without having to see Judd trying to drink only to end up dribbling cranberry juice down his beard.

Later that evening, the plastered and hammered Judd announces that he loves Bobby Jon like "a fat kid loves his cakes" after slapping Bobby Jon as Bobby Jon lights up a cigar like they have just, you know, had plenty of fun together and it was so good for the both of them. Judd also hugs Jamie hard. Then Judd and Bobby Jon mistake a tree for a stump and, er, decide to push the stump, I guess, with plenty of tomfoolery to follow. Poor Gary appoints himself the babysitter of these two. Good night, Judd and Bobby Jon, and cuddlecakes!

Morning, day twenty-three. The day begins with Danni complaining to Stephenie about Judd throwing up in the shelter and then snoring the night away. When Judd is awake, he insists that he threw up in the bushes. Gary and Danni say that he threw up in the shelter. Judd goes, "Oh." But he says that last night was a total blur to him, which is a convenient way of saying that he doesn't know anything should a tape of him squealing in delight as he is tied up and getting spanked by Bobby Jon ever surface on the Web. Later that day, Judd tells Stephenie that the Wally clue tells him that Wally is not hidden in the ground. Stephenie, who is so confident of winning that she never bothered so far to look for Wally and, come to think of it, try to win Immunity, tells Judd that maybe Wally is hidden inside a tree. Judd then decides that it will be sneaky of him to tell the others that Wally is hidden in the ground according to the clue. He tells the camera that he doesn't see the problem in lying. But the thing is, if he gets busted for telling a lie, he'd be exposed as a liar for trivial reasons and that would affect his standing with the other tribemates. Judd must be very confident with his alliance with Stephenie to burn his bridges like that. That is, of course, assuming that the others are stupid enough to believe him in the first place.

It's now showtime for The Jamie Show to start bugging his tribemates. As he plays one of many games that Rafe invented or improvised with Rafe, he tells Rafe in a voice that can be easily be deemed as threatening not to "screw with him". Rafe can only nervously tells Jamie that he is with Jamie all the way. Rafe tells the camera that he is very irritated by Jamie's paranoia that everyone is out to get Jamie and adds that he is starting to have doubts about Jamie's recent epiphany. Jamie later tells Gary that Bobby Jon is the next to go. Gary mumbles and stumbles what, to me, seems like his saying that he will vote with Jamie in order to save himself but Jamie later tells his allies that Gary will be voting for him. I wish Jamie is lying to get rid of Gary but from the way Jamie is acting, I suspect that his paranoia has gotten the better of himself again. Stephenie tells the camera that she'd give Gary the benefit of the doubt and she thinks that Jamie may have misunderstood Gary because she thinks that Gary is a little... well, she points at her head to let the camera knows what she thinks of Gary. I don't blame her. A man who lies ineptly for no good reason and then stares with loathing at other people who are eating happily - well, that man has to be a little weird in the head. Anyway, after Jamie leaves, Stephenie, Cindy, and Judd look at each other and are pretty much unconcerned about Gary. He is, after all, no threat to them. But Stephenie is concerned about Jamie, as she later tells Rafe. She and Rafe are concerned that Jamie is "losing it out there", not because they think of him as a friend but because they are worried that he would drag them down with him big time. She tells the camera that Jamie could ruin all their plans if he keeps behaving the way he is at the moment. She calls Jamie a "huge liability".

Bobby Jon returns with tree-mail later that day and apparently balancing will be involved. Oh, there's Gary, practising his balancing on the narrow ledge of the nearby ziggurat. Jamie tells the camera that he fears the possibility of Rafe and Cindy defecting to the other side to boot him. He wonders why Gary told him that Gary was voting for him earlier that day (heh) and concludes that nothing is predictable in this game and things can change very quickly during Tribal Council.

With that, it's now time for the Immunity Challenge. Once the Yownooks are in the clearing, Probby explains that there are several rounds in this particular Challenge. First, the Yownooks must go across a balance beam and untie two planks along the beam. The first four to do this will move on to the next round, where they must use the two planks over two ropes to cross. This is to say, they step on one plank, put the next plank in front so that they can move ahead, and then remove the plank behind them to place it ahead of them for them to make the next step along the "bridge". The first two to cross the "bridge" will then race across a two-rope bridge suspended over the water to compete for the the Immunity Necklace. Hey, that reminds me, I haven't come up with a name for that necklace yet in order to make my recapping easier. Let's see, there's Wally, so why not Waldo?

In the first round, Stephenie manages to complete it first despite taking a whopper in the head (yay) against the balance beam. Jamie gets through as well despite dragging himself along the beam in a way that can castrate him if he's not careful. Which won't be so bad even if he does, come to think of it. Gary and Rafe also qualify. In the second round, Gary is never in the running as he doesn't seem to know what he should do. Ditto Stephenie. It's Rafe and Jamie to the next round, where Rafe inadvertently performs a dive that can make an Olympic diver green - green with queasiness, that is, because Rafe painfully hits the water first with his head before the rest of his body follow with a loud splash. Even Rafe finds his dive funny. By the time he pulls himself out of the pool, Jamie has Waldo in the bag. Jamie is happy because now he is completely sure that he is safe at Tribal Council. Probby sends them back to camp to nurse their wounded egos and burning crotches.

Day twenty-four. A triumphant Jamie tells Stephenie that Gary must go because Gary is gunning for Jamie. Stephenie doesn't want to get involved too much and besides, it doesn't affect her game in any way should either Bobby Jon or Gary goes, so she agrees with Jamie. As she tells the camera, she would consider getting rid of Jamie but he has Waldo so, hey, whatever. She gets Rafe, Judd, and Cindy to agree to a Gary boot as well but she wonders whether all this is a little too easy. Hey, but why look for trouble when there is none, right? Heh. Stephenie tells the camera that a Gary boot makes sense because Gary is a physical threat and is good at winning Challenges. Gary tells the camera that he knows he is on the chopping block. He meets up with Stephenie and asks whether he is on the block and Stephenie tells him a fib about Bobby Jon being the one on the block. Not convinced, Gary decides to look for Wally some more. Bobby Jon, meanwhile, approaches Jamie and Judd... and tells them to target Stephenie. Sheesh. Sure, he's right in telling them that she's dangerous because she would be hard to beat in the Final Two, but Judd and Jamie don't need to get rid of Stephenie at this point of the game. Still, those two assure Bobby Jon that he is in no danger at Tribal Council - not yet, anyway - and Bobby Jon tells the camera that, oh well, he has tried to warn them about Stephenie's "million dollar grin".

Judd is doing some Wally-hunting on his own later that day, and Gary, that sneaky fellow, is spying on Judd. Gary realizes that Judd is looking up at the trees all the time so it's obvious that Judd lied about Wally being hidden in the ground. And it's obvious that Judd is a stupid moron who thinks that he is smarter than he actually is. As time goes by, Rafe and Stephenie realize that Gary has gone Wally-hunting and she laughs that it will be "amazing" if Gary finds Wally. Yes, that will be amazing indeed. Gary then shows up, saying nothing, and they all ignore him and go about doing their own things.

Night, Tribal Council. Probby and the Yownooks talk about lying where Gary insists that he has never lied before, not about being a landscaper, no siree. Judd unknowingly gnaws at his own ankle when he says that he has never lied as well. "Not yet," he says. Only Cindy has a brain when she says that to play the game, everyone has to be a liar at some point in the game. Take that, Creepy-Eyed Gary! Oh, and Probby then asks whether anyone has Wally. Let the cymbals and dramatic gongs of Ultimate Unbearable Belt-Tightening Suspense play as... ka-bang! Gary stands up and produces Wally! Stephenie squeals in surprise and delight like she knew all along that Gary packs a six-incher in his shorts. Judd looks hoisted on his petard while Gary hands over Wally to Probby. Bobby Jon, well, he knows that the writing is on the wall for him.

Indeed, Probby sends them all to vote without any further discussion but there is no need for discussion. Jamie casts a vote for Bobby Jon, actually apologizing to Bobby Jon instead of giving his usual petty barbs to the people he casts a vote for. Really, these two will be the best of friends in the future because they are pretty much the same guy, only one is more crazy than the other. Bobby Jon casts a vote for Stephenie as does Danni. Gary, for who knows what reason, casts a vote for Cindy. Everyone else sends Bobby Jon a vote and, sniff, poor Bobby Jon's lifelong dream has come true. This is not right! Rewind, dang it, rewind! Someone go back to the time when Gary was looking for Wally and knock him unconscious or something! This is not right! Bobby Jon is supposed to win over Stephenie, dang it! Poor Bobby Jon leaves for the Loser Lodge as the first member of the Jury and Probby banishes the others back to camp after yammering some nonsense about how he really has nothing to say to these people.

In his final words, Bobby Jon talks about how surprised he is to be booted because he never knew that Gary had Wally and decides that maybe God decided that it just isn't meant to be that he wins the money. Goodbye, Bobby Jon. Now I really have nobody on this show to even half-heartedly root for, sigh.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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