SURVIVOR

Exile Island Episode 8: The Power of the Idol

Previously, four LaDidas merged with six Cadavers and Terry masterfully tried to turn the tides by telling every Cadaver who would listen that they would gain a generous two extra weeks of safety if they joined Terry's coalition of stupid losers. Let's put it this way: when Terry approached Shane, who is not at all in danger, with this offer, Terry is officially a braindead. Meanwhile, Shane lorded it over the LaDidas in a show of pettiness never seen since... er, the previous season and Terry decided to jump ship and play for the endgame by hogging Immunities while his alliance mates can be cut down one by one. Even when he could have used Wally and get rid of Shane or Aras. Terry is however too selfish to share and too insecure to risk a worthwhile gamble, so yup, we'll just have to sit and endure a long and boring Pagong just because Terry is one dumb braindead. Bravo, Terry! Good job, braindead!

Morning, day nineteen. The body odor of Nick barely lingers in our newly-merged tribe of Gitanos when the brief relief of Austin and Terry to escape the boot (Terry is faking his relief since he has Wally, but Austin is genuinely relieved, so yes, Terry is a braindead jerk) is threatened by the overreaction of the Cadavers over his revelation in the Tribal Council that he was pretending to weaker than he was. Courtney dramatically wonders to the camera whether the Cadavers should have booted Austin instead of Nick. The world yawns. Does it matter? Nick today, Austin tomorrow, Sally the next day - what's the difference? Terry will stick with them forever and ever, of course, which will only serve them right since the Cadavers sent the braindead jerk to Janu Island twice. Meanwhile, Austin tells Cirie and Aras that he is surprised to be here since he was so sure that he'd go last night that he'd already thrown in the towel. Apparently he wanted to go out with gins blazing, hence his confession last night. How nice that he wanted to reassure the Cadavers that they were doing the right thing in booting him. Since they didn't, perhaps they would boot Austin the next opportunity that arises. You think? After all, Austin had told them that he was a physical threat. Austin wonders to the camera what he has done to his own gameplay. The answer should be obvious.

Later that morning, some of the Cadavers go snail-picking. Aras the philosopher compares the snails to the LaDidas, saying that Austin especially is a slimeball and he doesn't trust Austin. Somehow snails and slimeballs are one and the same in Aras' mind. Courtney says that she doesn't trust Austin and Aras tells her that they must not reveal anything to the LaDidas. Shane just watches. Then again, maybe he's just lost in some cigarette-withdrawal funk or something and he's actually seeing dancing cigarettes in his mind.

Elsewhere, our genius Terry tells Sally that he has a plan. He will pull a lady from Cadaver to their side to even the number to five-five! Sally looks dubious, as she should because entrusting Terry with anything is like giving a drunk pilot a plane to fly, only with Terry he'll be the only survivor of that plane crash and he has spare parachutes up his behind that he is keeping to himself for who knows what reason. Fool be the one who trusts Terry with anything. Unfortunately, Sally doesn't seem to be or seems capable of doing anything to save herself. Ditto Austin. So, children, who should we thank for this turn of events? That's right, Terry the braindead asshole. Terry tells the camera that he needs to pull someone over from the other side to even the numbers. And then they will crush the other side! Things will change! Just hope! And... and... hey, isn't this the same plan that Terry had in the previous episode? What are the chances, you think, that he will make the same useless promises to the Cadavers who are laughing behind his back?

Thank heavens, it's now tree-mail time. One bad poetry and then the morons will shut up for a while. Let's go to the beach where there are three colored paths that each lead to a boat. The tribe, according to our host Jeff Proboscis, will be split into teams of three. Each team has to move a hundred coconuts in whichever way they think will work into another team's boat. Once they have unloaded their coconuts, they will then paddle their heavily-loaded boat out to the sea to collect a flag. Then they have to head back to the beach, unload the coconuts in their boat into a net, and drag the whole thing to the designated finish line. The first team to do this wins a trip to a luxurious B&B establishment as well as a chance to send some people to Janu Island. Oh yes, Janu Island. I almost forget that it plays a part in this season, although Terry is making that Wally twist a complete flop so Burnetto will hopefully get some better luck next time with his twists.

Terry, Shane, and Austin are in one team while Cirie, Danielle, and Courtney are in another team. Aras, Sally, and Bruce are in the third team. Probby gives the word to go and then the morons are running all over the place with coconuts in their hands. Early into the Challenge, Aras tells Danielle to put the coconuts into the boat of Terry, Shane, and Austin. On one hand, it makes sense if we operate on the "stop Terry at all costs" principle. But on the other hand, this is a Reward challenge. Taking Terry, Austin, and Shane out means that Aras, Sally, and Bruce will be competing against Cirie, Danielle, and Courtney. Any team with Cirie in it automatically loses so Danielle, if she wants to enjoy that B&B Reward, should tell Aras to go somersault off a high cliff and keep loading coconuts onto Aras' boat. But Danielle of course obeys Aras since she's not exactly the brightest bulb in an already very dim box of bulbs. In the end though, it doesn't matter because Danielle and Courtney have Cirie in their team. They trail so far behind the other two teams, they may as well sit down and fan themselves instead of struggling to the point that they have to put coconuts into their own boat since it's the only one left, bwahaha. The two leading teams are dead even once they have retrieved the flag and get down to using the net to gather their coconuts to take to the finish line. Terry here makes a blunder where he thinks it will be fine to make a few trips to the finish line. On the other hand, the other team goes one-for-all and haul all the coconuts to the finish line in one go. Even when Sally having to dash back to the boat for the flag that she's forgotten to take along with her, Terry's team cannot catch up. Aras, Bruce, and Sally win the Reward.

Probby announces that the winning team can choose two people to send to Janu Island. Aras, without discussing matters with Bruce or Sally, nominates Danielle and Austin. That's right, send an enemy and a person you don't fully trust to a day together in an island so that they can plot mayhem - Aras is shaping up to be a serious contender to the title of the biggest moron in this season.

Day twenty, and it's raining. No matter, Aras and Sally are prepared to use "mind over matter" - huh, what mind? - and enjoy their reward even if it's raining heavily around them. Sally talks about how great it is to be sharing this reward with Bruce and Aras and I'd like to imagine that she's being a little sarcastic when she says that. Otherwise, eeeuw. Meanwhile, Aras explains that they have to wait for the boat to take them to this B&B establishment early in the morning. He also thinks that he has "exposed" his "athleticism" and "a lot of wit" in the Challenge. If "wit" is "sending two enemies away to plot", that is, and "athleticism" is "I convinced a dumb bimbo to add coconuts into Terry's boat". Is Aras the kind of guy that bathes once a month and then announces that he is the expert on personal hygiene?

Awesomely, the "B&B reward" turns out to be nothing more than a big and pretty bed with a canopy plopped in the middle of the beach like a sore thumb. It's raining so the bed is soaked, which is hilarious enough, but what's even more hilarious is the fact that the three miserable dimwits, after enduring a boat ride in the middle of the rain to this place, have to squeeze their wet bodies onto that soaking wet bed for the sake of showing the camera that they are "enjoying" their reward. The three however look genuinely happy when the food shows up, although in this case it isn't a feast as much as a miserable serving of beef, fruits, an assortment of snacks and cookies, and mimosa. Bruce tells the camera that it's food fit for kings, but it's more like food served as a half-hearted soiree event at some seminar.

Back at the camp, Terry is trying to get information from Shane with all the subtlety one can expect from this dumbass. He tells the camera that he is trying to ferret out the bottom feeders among the Cadavers that he can then turn to his side. He clearly assumes that Shane must be very stupid not to wonder what Terry's motives are when Terry starts interrogating him about the hierarchy among the Cadavers. Oh, Terry, he thinks he is so much smarter than the rest of the world when he's such a clueless dumbass, it's not even funny. Shane eventually suspects that Terry has Wally and Terry tries to act so sneaky and smug at the same time about it. Shane tells him what seems like an answer given to placate Terry, that the final four is supposed to be Shane, Aras, Cirie, and Courtney. Allow me to ponder awhile as to how Cirie manages to move so high up the hierarchy. Terry then tells Shane in what he hopes to be a suave way that Shane should bet a twenty on that final four. Terry then tells the camera that he has learned that Bruce and Danielle are the bottom feeders among Cadavers. Apparently Terry will use that information to win the war for the side of good or something like that. Since this is Terry though, the side of good will be completely wiped out except for Terry, who has been hoarding weapons of mass destruction that he mutters vaguely about using one of these days.

Later, Aras, Sally, and Bruce return where the three rather stupidly talk about what a wonderful meal they've had. Sally even shows off her bloated belly, which in the current state of the other tribe members, could easily get her voted off if she's lucky. Shane is expectedly bitter with jealousy as he mocks the three happy people to the camera while Cirie is also jealous. She also says that she has to win something or she will die in this place. Cirie winning something? Nah, I can't see that happening either.

When night falls, it seems that Austin and Danielle are forced to stay up to two nights in Janu Island. It is raining heavily and those two are not happy at all.

They are still unhappy and it is still raining when day twenty-one arrives. They can't start any fire in the rain so they end up huddling under a tree for what shelter they can find. They are convinced that this is the worst experience ever for them but on the bright side, the two of them think they've bonded together and Danielle even tells the camera that Austin could be her back-up plan if something happens to her current alliance. This will be great if Danielle and Austin will actually do anything about their newfound buddy-buddyhood and make Aras realize what a fool he is to send those two together to Janu Island. But they won't so I'm resigned to being disappointed some more.

Back at camp, Sally and Terry are collecting water when Terry, bombarded with Sally's hopeful questions about the chances of Austin finding Wally, reveals that he has Wally. He has to also add that he found it in twenty minutes. Terry so wants to be loved, it's so obvious. There's nothing better than a loathsomely stupid but vain short dumbass, I tell you. Sally is excited as she tells the camera that Terry can pass Wally to her or Austin and... oh, they will all be saved! My heart breaks for her. She doesn't know that Terry is like that stupid ugly designer of the Titanic in that James Cameron movie who will brag and boast but will stand by and watch everyone fall even when he has the means to help them. Because it can't be said enough, Terry is a loathsome stupid dumbass.

Immunity Challenge time! A miserable and sickly Austin and an equally sorry-looking Danielle are brought back to join the others as Probby explains the rules of this Challenge. It's hard to describe this Challenge - let's just say it's a maze where you'd have to do all kinds of physical activities to navigate through. Or, to make things even simpler: this is a Challenge that Terry will win. That loathsome stupid dumbass. Ahem. Only a limited spots are available for those wishing to move on to the next obstacle course stage.

Probby gives the word to go and the Gitanos are off. First thing they have to do is to dig a hole in the ground deep enough to allow them to go under the first obstacle, which sees Aras trying to dig faster by bopping his backside up and down like he's raping the earth. Sally manages to squeeze through first, followed by Courtney. Their clothes give way in the process, showing lots of exciting pixels. It's strange how Burnetto loves to give his supposedly all-male audience of this show plenty of skin but he then chickens out and pixellates those bits of exposed skin so that nobody will complain about the show. What's the point of getting these people to show skin then? As Aras continues to thrust his ass into the hole he has made into the ground, Terry and Shane sneak through. Aras, Cirie, and Bruce are eliminated from the race.

Next, it's a puzzle challenge where they have to arrange grids according to a set of rules. Austin gets this first, followed by Sally and Terry. All three get to move on, leaving the Cadavers all by the sidelines. It's now a dash across the rope bridge that takes out Austin, leaving Terry and Sally to duke it out in a cage maze. Terry manages to emerge from the maze first so ooh, he wins the Dunce Necklace again! Sally hugs Terry happily because she believes that he can pass her or Austin Wally. Or, she wishes. Little does she know that Captain Ahab here is willing to sacrifice his entire crew so that he can escape to rant and moan another day.

Back at camp, Danielle confronts Aras about his sending her to Janu Island and Aras delivers the brand of asshole that he always misguidedly believes is some kind of sensitivity on his part - he says that he sends Danielle out there because she is a tough person and he hopes that she is "comfortable" with his decision. Danielle tells Aras in a gloating manner that she and Austin have bonded "for life", no doubt hoping to make Aras squirm a little.

Terry and Austin now have a talk where Austin is thrilled enough to call Terry a "stud" when Terry reveals that he has Wally. Terry, of course, acts like he's a stud all along when he's most likely an insecure stupid ass who lives to hear people praise him all day long. If he's on Big Brother 5, he will be bald Eric the stupid crapass "Cappy". Maybe those two seething morass of insecurities know each other? Terry says that he intends to use Wally as a bait to get Danielle to their side. But he also wants Bruce to come along as well. I hope he isn't expecting Danielle to persuade Bruce to come over like he seems to be saying to the camera. Terry and Austin now tell Bruce that Bruce is at the bottom of the pecking order among the Cadavers. Bruce seems surprised to know this and indignantly declares that the Cadavers all suck if what Terry and Austin tell him is true.

Aras has a valid concern: the obvious target now is Austin but if Terry has passed Wally to Austin and the LaDidas vote for Aras, that means Aras will be booted. He therefore calls for a pow-wow among the Cadavers in a hope to get them to target Sally as a "surprise" boot. Like he always does, he once more telegraphs his motives to the people around him without intending to. Courtney correctly deduces that Aras just wants to save himself and accuses him of this, adding that they are foolish not to get rid of Austin now when they have the opportunity. She announces that she's not going along with Aras' "stupid plan" and Aras snaps back that she needs to respect him more. Like the way he's always respected her, I suppose. Things heat up until Cirie steps in to separate those two. Courtney tells Cirie and Danielle that Aras wants Sally gone so that the women will be reduced in numbers and would never band together to take out the men. Does Courtney realize that there are four women left compared to five men in the tribe? She tells the camera that she won't lose much sleep if they vote for Austin but loses Aras in the process. He has to go some day, she feels, and any day is as good as any.

As Aras and Courtney exchange evil eyes, Aras rants to the camera about how the women of Cadaver are not protecting the men (read: him) and this is a short-sighted form of disloyalty, he feels, since everyone will be so sorry if he leaves. Yeah, who will win the team Immunity Challenges if Aras goes... oh wait. Elsewhere, Terry and Austin offer Danielle a sneak peek at Wally as they make her the offer of her joining them in return for Wally. Terry sweetens the deal by saying that nobody lies, cheats, or steals in the Naval Academy. Except, this isn't the Navy so just shut up, Terry. Danielle lies to the camera about how tempted she is by this offer.

As Aras and Courtney bicker over the option to boot out Sally or Austin, Austin tells Terry that perhaps Terry should hand over Wally to Sally or Austin. Yeah, Terry, think about that, Mr Let Me Watch My Men Die While I Claim To Be So Full Of Integrity ASSHOLE. Meanwhile, Aras dramatically overstates his situation by talking about some huge split vote with the Cadavers over who to vote, Sally or Austin. He says that he's crossing his fingers and hoping not to get a "whammy".

Night, Tribal Council. Aras behaves like a hypocritical sanctimonious oaf when Probby and Cirie confronted him about sending Danielle to Janu Island after she helped him win the Reward Challenge by loading coconuts onto the boat of Terry's team. He tries to say that sending Danielle away is for the good of everyone and really, Aras must think very highly of his BS skills if he thinks he can pull that one off. He can't. Austin and Danielle confirm their bond but stop shy of saying anything that can threaten their current alliances with other people. More pointless chit-chat follow until it's time to vote.

After all that's been said and done and hinted at in this episode, the Cadavers once more band together solidly to send a LaDida packing. This time, it's Austin. No, Terry didn't give him Wally. Terry is a stupid loathsome dumbass. By the way, Shane's voting speech is not shown but I have to mention it here since it's... interesting: "The creepy Christian goes home!" Heh. Or eeuw, I suppose, depending on how you look at it. Austin gets his torch snuffed and heads off to Loser Lodge as the first member of the Jury, but not before talking about how he was pleased that he never sold his integrity and angered Jesus and what-not in his parting words. Er, what is he doing on this show again if he wants to keep his integrity and make Jesus happy?

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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