SURVIVOR

Exile Island Episode 7: An Emerging Plan

Previously, Shane wanted out from his alliance and asked the others in the alliance to release him from the vow he made on his son's name. How amusing that Danielle and Courtney couldn't release him fast enough from that vow. They wanted to band with Bruce and Cirie to kick Shane out of the tribe but the plan had to be postponed when the Cadavers won Immunity. They then decided to save Sally just to throw a wrench into the LaDida Boys' Club gameplay by sending Sally to Janu Island. Faced with no option but to cannibalize one of their own, Nick, Austin, and Terry decided on Dan. As we shall see, Terry wouldn't hesitate to abandon his allies without even giving them the courtesy of a warning, so I doubt he would lose much sleep over Dan's departure.'

Night fifteen, Camp Cadaver. It's pouring and poor Courtney couldn't get a share of the tribe blankets since Shane didn't like her and he didn't want to share. He only shares with the people he likes, you see, which at this point of the show will be only his reflection. Poor Courtney complains that she's cold but Shane isn't shedding any tear. Come to think of it, neither is anyone else.

Day sixteen, morning, Camp Cadaver. Courtney with a wet blanket around her (the joke tells itself in this scene, heh) complains to the camera, to Shane, and to Danielle that she's soaked everywhere, even in her "innards" (wow), thanks to Shane's refusal to let her share the blanket with him. She and Danielle share some moment of shared understanding and mutual dislike of Shane, and Courtney reminds the camera that she and Danielle would love nothing more than to see the back of Shane. Meanwhile, Aras and Shane have a private chit-chat of sorts where Aras in an apparent genuine tone says that he admires the way Bruce tidies up his Zen garden every morning. Bruce tells the camera that he's the tribe outsider so he may as well keep his Zen garden tidy while hoping for the merge to shake things up a little.

At Janu Island, Sally is half-heartedly looking for Wally, although she seems to be doing that just to pass the time. She's glad for her chance to avoid elimination and a part of her suspects that Terry already has Wally.

Over at Camp LaDida, the three remaining members of the LaDida Boys' Club are bemoaning the loss of Dan, their mascot, although Auston's worries to the camera reveal that he's more concerned about entering the merge on the side of the minority. He hopes that there is at least one more Immunity Challenge before the merge so that the LaDidas can win and cut down the numbers among the Cadavers. Knowing how things are for the Boys' Club, chances are they'd lose those Immunity Challenges anyway and embarrass themselves further. All that worrying intensifies when Terry returns with tree-mail. The bad poetry lets them know that they should look around their camp for something that doesn't belong there. Like a clue. Or a brain. Or even a dignified victory. Austin optimistically brings up Marvin Gaye in his confessional, saying that it's time for them to "get it on". Alas, not in that way, so don't get too excited, folks. They hope that it's food that they are looking for. It's quite sad when even they believe that food doesn't belong in their camp.

Instead, they find a boat filled with some firewood and a mysterious crate tethered at the beach. Yup, they're to paddle over to Camp Cadaver, where only then can the crate be opened, and Nick, in a stroke of unbelievable denseness, says to the camera that obviously the merge is here and he's excited to meet new people and get together with them. So say the happy sheep when they walk into the lion's den, eh? As the LaDidas pack, Terry tells the camera that they will entering the merge with four LaDidas to six Cadavers so they obviously have to pull someone from Cadaver to their side. Terry then talks about wanting to use Wally strategically but Terry is a big stupid moron who wouldn't know strategy if it comes up and rams a baseball bat up his ass so whatever, Terry.

The three men then get into the boat and paddle off to their uncertain future. Poor Sally, won't she be surprised to come back to an abandoned camp? Austin says to the camera that he's prepared to "bob" and "weave" like Sugar Ray Leonard. He's correct in the sense that the opponent is definitely going to take a punch at him.

Meanwhile, the Cadavers are living up to their namesake, doing nothing around camp, until they spot the LaDidas coming. Realizing that the merge is here, as Aras explains, and knowing how hungry the LaDidas are, the Cadavers quickly gobble up the rice they have cooked before the LaDidas reach their camp. That's so nice. While they're at it, they may as well sharpen the machetes to give the LaDidas a warm welcome. Aras still wants to pretend that he's not as much of an asshole as his tribemates so he confesses to the camera that the Cadavers are all "heathens" that don't want to share anything. Aras, stupid, the word is Heathers, after that movie. Meanwhile, Shane and Aras get the other Cadavers around and announce that the new plan is to Pagnong the hell out of the other tribe members. That's as good a plan as any, unless your name is Bruce and you should be flipping, but since I can't stand Aras and Shane and the ground doesn't open up to swallow those two, I have to just hope very hard that the good guys will win. Oh wait, this season has no good guys. What am I saying? Time to hit the bottle to get me through this season! Bruce tells the camera that he respects Terry and he is excited to see the others (which is what Aras is afraid of), but I won't be holding my breath expecting Bruce to actually play the game if I were you.

As the meet and greet of insincerity saying hello to desperation takes place, Sally's boat arrives to allow her to join the newly merged tribe. They then open the crate, which predictably enough contains food. This season the feast merely consists of fruits and some varieties of crackers and biscuits along with the all-necessary alcohol, a rather meagre selection compared to the literal banquet tables or picnic baskets that awaited tribes of previous seasons. The budget of this season is obviously at the bare minimal. Seeing the food, Aras regrets eating all that rice earlier. How will he eat all the food now? He has to share with the LaDidas and that must be eating at the poor man. Terry is meanwhile pleasantly surprised at how warmly he and his loser buddies were welcomed. He must be expecting the other tribe to wait with pitchforks and burning torches like he and Dan would obviously greet the other tribe if their positions are reversed. Terry is such a stupid, stupid man, it's not even funny how stupid he is.

Now it's time for Stupid to play off against Stupid in the Clash of the Stoopids as Shane and Aras sneakily decide to let Terry take the lead in building up a shelter big enough to accommodate everyone in the newly merged tribe and then get rid of him the moment the opportunity arrives. Shane voices over that Terry obviously doesn't have Wally. Says Aras, "We'll let Captain America take the lead!" And Shane says, "We'll let Terry build it and then we'll vote him off! Ooh, these two are so clever! Which special buildings did the casting people dig these bunch of brainpower-rejects out of again?

Stupid Terry thinks that he needs to get two Cadavers to the LaDidas' side. So he first approaches Bruce. That is a sensible thing to do and appropriately enough that is the last time I will use "sensible" and "Terry" in the same context ever again. Terry tells Bruce that the Cadavers don't want Bruce around so Bruce should hang out with the LaDidas instead. Now that will surely swing Bruce around, I tell you! Offer nothing to the other person, just tell him what to do - yup, that method works everytime. Terry sweetens the deal by telling Bruce that he'd get to the final five with the LaDidas. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that Terry is offering Bruce at best a fifth wheel position in the LaDida alliance, which means Bruce would go from becoming a Cadaver bottom feeder to a LaDida bottom feeder if he takes Terry's offer. But if Terry is a master at strategy, Shane one-ups that man even better when he tells the camera that he is worried about Bruce flipping because Bruce apparently in Shane's opinion is hungry for Terry's approval. So what Shane decides to do is to show Bruce that Bruce is the Cadaver boss so Bruce will never want to leave the Cadavers again. This masterplan sees Aras and Shane ambushing Bruce and plying him with ridiculously transparent "You're the man! You're the greatest!" schmoozings that only an imbecile will fall for. Speaking of imbeciles, Bruce announces to the camera that he's now in a power position, he's a swing vote, and he's in the best position ever in this game - all the usual nonsense a clueless pawn will yammer to the camera before the pawn gets two knives in his back, that kind of thing.

Later, the newly merged tribe work around camp and Bruce hangs out with the LaDida Boys' Club, where Terry again promises Bruce a final five position if he joins the Boys' Club. Meanwhile, Cirie and Danielle spot Bruce talking to Terry and wonder whether Bruce will really flip to the dark side. Aras and Shane would be so disappointed to know that those two women have so little faith in their abilities to pull wool over Bruce's eyes! Meanwhile, Nick demonstrates that he fits right in with this tribe of Einsteins when he swings the machete upwards to cut some ropes instead of downwards like non-Einsteins would do. He ends up hitting Bruce, who is bending over to hold the rope for Nick to chop, in the lips. Bruce gets a cut in his gum, which is pretty good considering that he could have suffered worse. Nick tells the camera that he thinks he's a goner because he has literally sent a machete to Bruce's face. Yeah, and it's too bad that it's Bruce and not Shane, because Nick would be my new best friend (as long as he shuts up and speaks only when spoken to) if that's the case.

Bruce tells the others that he's okay and he doesn't want to be the new Keith on this show. Shane is worried for Bruce, not because Bruce is a human being but because Bruce is only a number and Shane wants to keep the numbers on his side. Bruce on the other hand feels bad about Nick worrying over him and says that the injury could have been worse considering the nature of the accident. Me, I'm surprised that the self-proclaimed Wilderness Survival Guru that is Bruce would stand so close to Nick when Nick is using the machete in an obviously wrong manner. I hope he's not the one to tell Nick to use the machete in that manner.

Day seventeen, morning. Bruce is also an art teacher so he creates a lovely tribal flag complete with birds and all for the newly merged tribe. The tribe's name is Gitanos, which Bruce explains is Spanish for gypsies. And what do gypsies have to do with the bunch of morons on this show, you ask? I'll let Bruce answer that. Elsewhere, Aras and Austin try to check out each other in a platonic non-gay way, which, given that this tribe is a spectacular gathering of know-nots and morons, ends up with Aras telling Austin glibly that Terry is the first to go and Austin too obviously trying to get Aras to skip to his side. Any twit would see that Aras has the least reason to jump ship but Austin is... well, Austin, I suppose. When Aras proves most stubborn to Austin's too-blatant questioning about who hates who and who wants to kill who among the Cadavers, Austin tells the camera that clearly it's not easy to crack open the Cadavers. Try a big stone on the head of Shane or Aras or both.

Just when the winner of the award for the Biggest Nincompoop Ever is becoming uncertain, Terry manages to emerge as a strong contender for the award when he now promises Shane a final five alliance provided Shane brings Cirie on board. Shane, of all people! It's like a president of a small third-world country offering Tony Blair a Senator position if Tony Blair would give up his job. Terry keeps talking about how Shane and Cirie will save themselves for the next two weeks if they join the LaDidas, which is insane because Shane, with Aras, is safest person in LaDida right now. Shane tells the camera that Terry's desperation is obvious. He correctly says that there is no reason for him to join the loser coalition under the moronic leadership of Terry. Just knock them all off! Still, Shane magnanimously concedes that he'd be doing the same thing if he's in Terry's shoes. He and Terry are equally stupid, after all.

Now Terry runs to Cirie with the same old stupid final-five alliance offer and Cirie laughs off that idiot in the confessional, comparing Terry to a dictionary salesman trying to sell something to Cirie when Cirie already has an encyclopedia at home. She's correct - Terry has nothing to offer the LaDidas. Especially when that moron is so stupid as to let the people he is bargaining with know that he's keeping Nick, Austin, and even Sally over these people even if they join him in the loser coalition. What that moron Terry doesn't understand is that Bruce and Cirie have more to gain by sticking with an alliance of four that are splintering into factions because they would have bargaining power when the two factions begin war on each other. Terry's alliance with Nick, Austin, and Sally seem all but etched in stone - who on earth would want to join that alliance when Terry isn't willing to offer them anything more than two weeks of safety?

Later, at the campfire, Terry has the temerity to ask Shane, "Are you in?" Shane just stares at that man, trying not to laugh, as he deadpans, "In... what?" Terry tells the camera that his "plans", if you can call them that, are not working but he is confident that someone will be stupid enough to go with his plan. Well, there are always Courtney and Danielle, I suppose, although I doubt they'd go with Terry's plans either.

Because this show is filled with very stupid people that it's best to make all the Challenges as physical as possible so that the stupid people won't feel too much inferiority complex when the season is over and they are branded as national dunces, it's now time for an Immunity Challenge where all you have to do is to hang like a koala bear from a bar (arms and knees around the bar, that is) until you're the last person standing.

Three minutes in, Cirie is out. I'm sure you are not expecting that. As the minutes tick, Courtney slowly uses only her legs to hang on to the bar, which makes sense in a way since she wouldn't cramp herself like she would if she sticks with the original arms/legs-around-bar position. Eleven minutes in, Aras the yoga instructor tanks. Either he's a very lousy yoga practitioner or he believes he's safe and he doesn't have to compete too hard therefore. Bruce and Sally are out around the twelfth minute. Shane by now wants to know whether Probby would be tempting them with food. Because budget has been slashed to a mininum this season, Probby doesn't have any thing to offer. Shane decides to keep his clothes on and lets go of the bar in the thirteenth minute. Danielle and Courtney join him. This leaves only Terry, Austin, and Nick on the bar. Austin tries to get Terry to drop out, which makes sense only if he knows that Terry has Wally, but Terry is not going to risk his hide for his tribemates the way he expects them to do for him, so Austin is out of luck. He's out first, Nick is next, and Terry therefore wins the Immunity Idol, which is in the form of an ugly necklace decorated with what seems like the representative bits and bobs of the remnants of what little of Terry's intelligence. A triumphant Terry has doomed the LaDidas as well as himself.

And he then proves that he is genuinely stupid rather than being selfish when he tells the camera that it's good to win this Dunce Necklace and has Wally as well, although he hopes that he will never has to use Wally. Um, hello, Terry? Let's talk about his favorite word, "strategy". If he lets Nick have Immunity and let the Cadavers vote for Terry, Terry can retaliate by getting the LaDidas to target either Shane or Aras. My choice is Aras since without him, Shane, Courtney, and Danielle will have no reason to even talk to each other. With Terry having Wally, that means Aras would leave at the upcoming Tribal Council. Wouldn't that make sense? Wouldn't that give Terry the advantage he wants? Terry has set himself up to having to win every Immunity Challenge from now on until the Final Four, where he will find himself fighting with three Cadavers. Even if he manages to win the final Immunity Challenge, he will then have to confront his ex-alliance buddies who will want to know why he didn't save them in the Jury. There is a possibility that he would awe the Jury with his caveman/dumbass "strategy" by being the strongest of the strongest, I suppose, but GOD, why use that long-winded labyrinthine "strategy" when Terry could get rid of a Cadaver leader provided he could get his head out of his ass long enough to fire up his braincells?

Terry wins the Most Stupid Survivor Ever Award even if he ends up winning the million dollars. What a dumbass.

Day eighteen, morning. Austin thinks he's the one to leave and he therefore asks Bruce to pray with him. Maybe God will be so kind as to compel Terry to give Nick Wally and salvage the mess Terry has created with his own hands... or maybe not since not even divine intervention can penetrate the cavernous hallow in Terry's skull, it seems. Austin says that he's hoped to show the Cadavers that he's not that much of a physical threat by deliberately dropping out earlier than Nick and Terry. For some reason he however believes that he will be leaving at the Tribal Council. Nick, meanwhile, just wants to make the Jury and hopes that Austin will go this week so that Nick will get what seems like his dearest wish in life. Aww, maybe Bobby Jon should give Nick a phonecall and some words of encouragement.

In front of the LaDidas, Shane calls a meeting among the Cadavers where the Cadavers then actually hold hands in a circle (I know, I know, I can't believe it either until I see those morons doing that with my own eyes!) as Shane lectures them about how proud he is of them today. Um, why is Shane proud of the fact that none of the Cadavers could beat the three LaDida men in the Immunity Challenge? I tell you, every time I'm starting to think that these people are really too stupid to live, they have to demonstrate to me that they are actually even more stupid than that. Courtney and Danielle propose to boot Nick. Shane would rather boot Austin but he says that he'd do what they wish. The better for him to moan and mope that nobody listens to him at the end of the day, I suppose.

Meanwhile, the LaDidas react to such open show of ocstracization by the Cadavers by wearing a cloak of self-righteousness that they have no right to. They say that they would never be as cliquish as the Cadavers, oh no! I'm sure Ruth Anne and Misty would beg to differ, boys. Sally says that one can be cocky but it's "cooler" if one isn't. Wise words to hang on to when one is on the losing side, those. They decide to cast a vote for Shane just to show Shane. I'm sure Shane will be crushed to receive those votes instead of laughing at them and telling them that nothing they can do will harm his gameplay thanks to Terry. Shane confronts Aras about the way the Cadavers are showboating and Aras says simply that the situation is just being what it is and Terry and gang therefore will have to just suck it up. Terry tells the camera that nothing the Cadavers can do will hurt him because they will all leave at the end of the day. Um, they won't, Terry. Do the maths. Three Cadavers will be standing beside you in the Final Four. Oh, that's right, Terry can't count. Silly me. Meanwhile, Shane says that they will be fine at Tribal Council as long as Bruce doesn't go into his "psychotic episodes". Unlike Shane, naturally, who is always the calm in a storm.

Night, Tribal Council. As expected, there is nothing new to be gleaned here apart from the fact that Austin decides to reveal his strategy of trying to look weak. Okay, he's as stupid as the rest of them. How nice of him to clear that up for me. Probby sends them off to vote and it's a predictable grand-slam of Cadaver votes for Nick. Wait, Probby says that Nick could be saved if he has Wally or if someone who has Wally passed it to him. Now there's a rule that I'm hearing for the first time, the passing on of Wally to someone else. Terry however is sticking to his "strategy" of winning Immunity Challenges while his allies go down one by one, so he's not giving Wally to anyone, ever, even if Wally becomes useless the moment he reaches the final four, which seems inevitable at this point. Nick leaves for Loser Lodge, just missing the first Jury spot, and Probby mutters some banal nonsense before banishing the remaining braindeads back to camp.

Nick's final parting words sees him trying to rally the youths of America into following their dreams and what not, which, coming from a loser like him, are pretty comical indeed. Adios, sweet eye candy.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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