SURVIVOR

All-Stars Episode 2: Panicked, Desperate, Thirsty as Hell

Previously, they're back. They're really back! Except for Tuna, who's back and gone again thanks to JennaLoo's plot to Eliminate the Ex-Winners One By One (Ethanol, You're Next... If I Can Make Up My Mind To Snog Or To Hate You, Love, LooLoo). And Probby promises that today, the Survivors will suffer from dehydration thanks to a lack of fire that leads to a lack of clean water. Suffering Survivors - now that's truly a horrible thought indeed.

Credits. I really think this season's music is the worst. The discordant screeching and the really hideous and rushed photo montage. JennaLoo's huge teeth in her photo is really scary.

Day four. Good morning, Sobroken. Oh look, there's a snake slithering on the sea. That's Rudder walking along the beach. There's Jerri sitting under the shelter with a big pout on her face. Hagrid kicks off the show with a whining session in his trademark monotonous, extra slow way of rambling - they have no fire and no Tuna, boo hoo hoo. Last night it rained very heavily and Hagrid explains that they ditched their contaminated water collected in their pot and use this pot to collect rain water instead. He has never gone this long without water, he laments. Jerri talks about how cold it was last night as she was soaking wet. She couldn't sleep, oh no.

Trust Rudder to put things in perspective when he begins reminiscing about his days in Vietnam. He tells the story of his wartime experiences on the Mekong delta, earning the classic dumb question that always come from the dumbest member in the audience - "Are you scared?" Today's lucky dumb goon is Ethanol. Rudder says yeah, he was scared all the time every day for the whole year during his sojourn there. Jerri in her confessional talks about how Rudder is really one of a kind because he drinks contaminated water without a care of slipping into a coma, a fate that Jerri is so worried about, and sleeps on the ground while the others whine and moan about the shelter and the cold. Naturally such behavior is inexplicable to these bunch of "Survivors". JennaLoo says that there is no stopping Rudder when Rudder wants to drink.

Rudder talks about how he once had to drink water from a river where six corpses are floating in it. The others go "Eeeuw!" but Rudder tells them that he even had ice with his yummy drink, as if that would make the others feel better. This water is no biggie for someone like Rudder. And besides, I really doubt that Burnetto would deliberately add brain parasites in the water source to send everybody into a coma - unfortunately - so Rudder knows the plot better than these bunch. It is also obvious by this point that Burnetto really loves Rudder and Rudder is given the hero editing today. Is this fair? Probably not. Is this fun to watch? Actually, yes, very. Rudder is one of the most overrated Survivors ever, but watching him now, I'm reminded of why I actually enjoyed watching him in Pulau Tiga.

Over at Ego Ego, Colby is giving the same whine about how there is no fire and no water to cry me a river. Lex Loser sighs. Jabba sighs. Shii Devil tells the camera that her tongue is turning white, it is so hot, and she is dying of thirst. Then comes the morning rain. Lex says that at first they just want to run back to the shelter to stay dry, but then it hits them: rain means fresh water. Woo-hoo! They dash under the rain and enjoy getting wet for once. Lex and Shii Devil are shown sucking thirstily at the water dripping down the fronds of their shelter. Shii Devil describes themselves as very thirsty animals and Lex says that he will even want to drink himself should it comes to that. Feel free to insert your dirty joke here.

Surprise, surprise - Big Gay Hatch is naked again. Lex says that Hatch's nudity doesn't bother him. In fact, he finds the whole nudity thing rather funny. That's the way - ignore Hatch. He loses two-thirds of his arsenal that way. Hatch pooh-poohs the cold and the rain because he is an invulnerable Force of Delusion, remember. Colby is spooked out over the fact that the Egos are actually getting comfortable with an overweight naked gay man pracing around the camp. What's to be spooked about, Colby? Hatch is too small? Too big? Now why the heck do I even say that to put horrifying mental images in my head? Colby thinks that Hatch wants them all to follow Hatch's lead and get naked, but nah, he doesn't think so. Two million broken hearts all over the world now rest on his conscience and I hope he can sleep well with that criminally selfish decision of his to keep his clothes on. Life is so unfair when someone like Colby keeps his clothes on while Hatch makes nudists everywhere weep in shame. The world needs a naked Colby.

What's a show without the Cheapos, right? "We've got water!" Rat Boy leads the others in a singalong tailored to the tune of Have You Ever Seen The Rain?. Rat Boy says that one would think that they are drinking champagne when they are actually just drinking rainwater. Is it me or Rat Boy's editing so far has been soft-hitting? The Cheapos sing like drunken frat loons while Big Red Tom wiggles his bum and waves his hands up in the air. Cheapora is turning out to be the love camp of the season. Who would've thought of this, especially with the people that made up this tribe?

Birds fly in the air as below, the Brokeheads discover a chest at their usual tree-mail spot. The message attached to the chest tells them to keep it dry as it is very valuable but they cannot open it. As if they could: there are three locks on the chest. This is obviously the chest where the Survivors would have to do things to earn the keys, just like the Pearl Island swines did to earn three pieces of a treasure map. The Brokeheads carry the chest back to camp. Jabba wonders whether an animal is inside because the chest is so heavy. She's a smart one, that woman. Colby tells her that no, it's not an animal, it's "like a gift". Where do they find so many intellectuals for this show?

The Cheapos study their own chest that they have brought back to the camp. Trust the Robfather to suggest that they smash the locks open right now. The others quickly shot his idea down, and he shrugs and tells the camera that maybe the others don't want to "upset pretty boy Probst or something". I don't want to even know this man in real life, but in the context of this show, boy, his tendency to ignore scruples to further himself in the game makes him one of my favorite Survivors to grace the show. Rat Boy is good but I doubt he would go as far as the Robfather when it comes to stirring crap in the pot.

It is now time for the Reward Challenge. The three tribes dutifully file in to the beach where Probby is waiting for them with a big smile. Probby asks the Egos and the Cheapos to look at the "new" Sobroken now sans Tuna. Hatch is especially delighted that Tuna is gone while Colby looks devastated. Who would he transfer his Oedipal complex to now? There's always Crazy Kathy, I guess. Today's Challenge is to build what Probby calls a "staircase to the stars". The stars are closer than I thought, because the Survivors are required to build only a staircase five rungs high. The rungs are five logs floating in the sea. The Survivors will have to swim out to retrieve the rung located farthest out, return to the beach to position the log on the stairs, sit someone out, the rest swim out again, repeat until only one Survivor swims out to collect the final log. The first tribe to retrieve five logs, build the stairs, and reaches the top wins a pile of blankets to keep them warm.

Cheapora sits out Big Red Tom while Ego Ego sits out Jabba. And then they are off. Oh, and Hatch is naked again, if you care to know. "Stay with your logs! You've gotta stay together!" Probby yells as I get to see blurry scenes of people underwater kicking their legs and swimming around their logs. It only proves one thing: nobody wears boxer shorts as good as Ryan O in Pearl Islands. I miss that guy and his cute tanline and his dancing lil' ding-dong shows. Anyway, back to this show, Rudder and JennaLoo seem to be having problems keeping up with their tribemates. After getting the first log, Rudder, Alicia, and Shii Devil sit out for their respective tribes. Jerri screams because this Challenge is really hurting her or something. The Cheapos have troubles hanging on to their second log, giving the Egos and the Brokeheads the lead. JennaLoo and Crazy Kathy sit out as the Egos and the Brokeheads dash out for the third log. By the time the fourth log is retrieved, the Cheapos are trailing while the Egos and the Brokeheads are neck to neck. Ethanol, the Robfather, and Hatch are the last swimmers for their tribe. JennaLoo tries to encourage Ethanol by telling him that she loves him. Oh please. The Robfather falters, Hatch tries, but in the end, Ethanol comes in first and the Brokeheads win the Reward! Hagrid hugs Ethanol and as two egos collide to shake the world hard, he tells Ethanol, "We've shown them!" Oh dear, I am not aware that the Brokeheads are out to prove the world something. Hagrid really needs to get over himself bad.

Probby now explains that there is rice inside the chests they received early today. But without the three keys, the chest can't be opened. And without fire, they can't cook the rice, although I'm sure Rudder and Sue Hawk will never let that fact stop them from eating the rice. So now Probby offers the Brokeheads a chance to exchange the blankets that they have won with a pot to cook the rice (the pot also has some verse etched on its side as a clue to the first key) and a flint to start a fire. The catch here is that should the Brokeheads exchange their prize, the other two tribes will also receive the pot and the flint. Petty egos are not match for hunger and a craving for heat so the Brokeheads don't even hesitate to trade their prize. There is much celebration among everyone, the camera zooming in on Jerri and JennaLoo's jubilant expressions. So much for Hatch's boast that he can start a fire without trying now. And so much for the rumor that he is almost disqualified later this season because he smuggled matches up his ass - we have evil Jeff Varner to thank for that rumor, by the way.

Back at Camp Ego Ego, Colby still can't believe that Tuna was voted off last night. Hatch in his confessional is acting his dramatics again. "Holy crap!" he exclaims, saying that it's obvious by now that there are big targets on the winners back. Except him, he adds before chuckling and saying, yes, even he. But he's still not scared. Meanwhile, Lex tells his tribemates that the tone of the game has been set and "this is business". I have no idea what he is talking about. Am I supposed to believe that these non-winners have never entertained the thought of weeding out the ex-winners one by one? That will be my first thought if I'm a non-winner allowed back into the game - I'm with JennaLoo on this. Lex must be more magnaminous a person than I expected.

At Cheapora, the Robfather says that the recent Reward Challenge was tough. Rat Boy tells the camera that Tuna is a fake so he is quite happy to see her go first. If the game is going to be played in a way so that the winners go first, it's okay with him because the last he checked, he doesn't have one million dollars. "Yet," he adds. The Robfather asks "Tommy" to go make fire together while Alicia watches with a sour expression on her face. She tells the camera that she knows how to start a fire using the flint but the "macho" boys "Tommy" and the Robfather don't want to listen. She watches the two men pile up twigs and sticks and asks whether they should build a nest on the pile. Big Red Tom says in his confessional that there are too many people on this tribe trying to boss everyone around and this "old farm boy" is just going to keep his mouth shut in the meantime. Meanwhile, Alicia is telling the Robfather to use the magnesium to get some sparks. The Robfather tells the camera that Alicia should learn to shut her mouth as she's constantly giving orders around. But in the end, they do get fire and a smiling Alicia and the Robfather are friends all over again.

Jerri and Hagrid try to start a fire using the flint for the Brokeheads but they aren't as successful as the Cheapos. Hagrid tells the camera that this turn of events is humbling because he always considered himself an outdoorsman. "I am... but with a lighter!" he concludes. That is really funny, hee!

JennaLoo and Ethanol are collecting water for the Brokeheads. If you aren't aware of the fact that these two are real-life exes, you probably have an inkling after this scene. JennaLoo confides to the camera that she feels bad for Ethanol because he is on the chopping block - that she herself has set up, mind you. She talks about how Ethanol's strong performance gave the Brokeheads their victory at the Reward Challenge but when she congratulated him after the Challenge, all he said was "Oh, right." To Ethanol, she tells him to hold on as he could last maybe a few days more. Ethanol rightfully tells the camera that he is quite annoyed by JennaLoo's cockiness, as if they keeping him around a few days more would make him happy. He is still a whiny and petulant pipsqueak with bad Jesus hair, but JennaLoo is quite ridiculous to feel awful for a man whose downfall she is plotting from the get go. I have a feeling that these two need to sleep together and then break up again a few more times before they get their emotions in order.

Back at camp, Jerri and Hagrid finally have some fire starting, and then Hagrid blows hard and poof! The fire is out again! This prompts the Brokeheads to blow harder until there is a small burst of flames that singe the front of JennaLoo's hair. But what's burned hair when there is fire, right? "We have fire! It's like the power of the Gods!" JennaLoo marvels. The camera zooms on Hagrid jumping up and down and waving his arms in the air as he squeals, "We have fire!" Hagrid makes me laugh twice today. What is the world coming to?

The Egos however have less luck at getting their fire started. Lex wonders aloud in his confessional what the problem could be. Is it their (lack of) energy? The wood? Shii Devil points out that a storm is coming - thunder crashes to back up her words. Lex suggests to the rest that they wait until the brewing storm is over before they start again. Crazy Kathy looks up quickly from her blowing the wood (no pun intended), gives Lex a scowl, and tells the others to keep at their work. Lex says that they need to save material that isn't being used at the moment, but hey, whatever. Crazy Kathy says that they need fire - they can't stop now! But at the end, they postpone their efforts, which leads to a scene of Crazy Kathy and her two female buddies cuddling and snuggling at night in an effort to keep warm. Crazy Kathy has one last confessional before day one ends: in a scene filmed in ghastly night vision, she announces that she is freezing because "our boys" didn't make fire earlier and she is having a great time here in Panama. Don't ask me why she can't try to make the fire herself.

Day five dawns and the Egos are back at working at starting a fire. This time, they manage to get a small fire and Crazy Kathy is relieved in her confessional. Fire is everything and water and food, she says, a little incoherently perhaps but I think she manages to get her message through quite clear and plain. Now Hatch is reading the clue etched at the side of the pot. The clue says something about the key being tucked inside something dark and deep. Eeuw, Burnetto, that sounds dirty - fire that kid you underpaid to write those ditties now before this show gets into trouble. Crazy Kathy says that the Egos decide to look for the key now that they are fired up in the mood after getting the fire started. The team splits up in pairs to look around the rocks, crooks, and crannies along beach. It is Hatch that finds it in a small cranny he calls a "cave", being the pro at grubbing his paws into dark and deep places that he is, and Crazy Kathy calls him to put it back where he found it so that they can all see where he found it. Hatch rightfully ignores her and pulls the key out of the bag it comes in. In his confessional, he dismisses the whole event as "extraneous crap". This game is all about interpersonal relationships, he says. Now if only he can put his awareness into practice.

Rudder is limping in Camp Sobroken while the others watch him closely. Hagrid tells the others that Rudder walks like a tough and hardy old bloke, whatever the heck that means as Rudder right now is limping and looking far from tough and hardy. Rudder tells the camera that his legs are hurting when he walks. He doesn't know why but he's sure that he'll be okay within a week. JennaLoo asks him how his legs are doing. She tells the camera that Rudder can't walk or run because of blisters. "The bones inside are hurting," Dr JennaLoo, MD, tells the camera. Hagrid hopes that the Immunity Challenge will not require running or they are "all dead". Because Rudder is the superhero of the tribe that has showed his chops in the last few Challenges. Without Rudder, They Are All Dead. Oh dear.

Speaking of Immunity Challenges, it's now time for the tribes to file down to the beach again. Without much ado, Probby explains today's Challenge. Tribes will stand on their respective floating platforms on the sea. At Probby's signal, they will dive down and untie a "sunken boat" located at the floor of the sea. There are fourteen knots to untie. Then they must remove weights that are holding the boat down. When the boat rises to the surface, they must bail out water from the boat and then paddle it to the beach. First two tribes to reach the beach and cross the finish line win the head and the butt of the Immunity Idol which I'll call Gaia for the heck of it.

Alicia and Shii Devil sit out for Cheapora and Ego Ego respectively.

Probby gives the signal. Oh, and Hatch gets naked, the sun will rise tomorrow, and Monday comes after Sunday. Lex! Hagrid! Ethanol! The Robfather! So many men and not one single buttcrack. I want my Ryan O. Probby calls out at them to take their time as there are 2000 pounds of weights to remove from their sunken boats. From the Robfather's words, the Cheapos have untied their knots first and now they are pushing the weights off their boats. They are doing this underwater so lots of loose boxers and trunks but not one inch of peekaboo thingie other than Hatch's - bastards. In the end, it is Sobroken that gets their boat up to the surface first. They are bailing water as the Egos bob up next, Cheapos soon after. Jerri has a smart idea to kick water out of the boat while she is standing on it. Ethanol's idea is even better - he'll sit on the boat and move around until the boat at his end starts to sink! JennaLoo shrieks at him to get off the boat, but it is too late. By then Ethanol has helped the boat tip over and take in more water for the Brokeheads to bail out. And then they lose the bucket, forcing Ethanol to jump into the sea to look for it. The Egos' idea isn't bad either - they will row the boat and bail water at the same time. Needless to say, even with Hatch finally jumping off to push the boat along as he swims behind it, the Egos are waist deep in water and their boat is nowhere to be seen soon after they begin paddling. Only the Cheaporas have the brain to bail the water out first before they start rowing, and they have a clear lead over the sinking Egos and the literally and metaphorically sunk Brokeheads. The Brokeheads are off - finally - only to realize that they have left the paddle behind on the platform.

"Alright, everybody off!" the Robfather orders as soon as the Cheapo boat touch the beach. My, he actually looks like a glorious leader in that moment. They all pick up the boat and run towards Probby. "Alright, say it, Jeff!" he cries to Probby. Probby obliges. Cheapora is first! The Egos come in second. I'm quite amazed that people actually hug the naked Hatch. Oops, that means that the Brokeheads are last. Probby hands Gaia's head to Cheapora and her butt to Ego Ego and tells the dejected Sobroken that the tribe is going to the treehouse Tribal Council for the second time in a row. Ethanol shakes his head and Rudder looks exhausted.

It is day six and it's more doom and gloom at Camp Sobroken this morning. Hagrid whines about losing and you have no idea how much listening to him gives me the thrill of all thrills. JennaLoo says that the Brokeheads were so close to winning. Yeah, coming in last is really coming in close. Jerri says that they all didn't play smart. Jerri is very wise this season. Ethanol says that they lost because of "one stupid mistake". He's not only whiny and dumb, he can't count. Unless that one mistake is his presence in the tribe, that is, upon which I agree with him wholeheartedly. JennaLoo tells the camera that everyone blame themselves.

Not really, LooLoo. Hagrid and she take a walk along the beach where Hagrid says that he wants to smack someone. This someone turns out to be Jerri and Ethanol, whom Hagrid point out accurately as idiots that caused their boat to sink. JennaLoo still can't make up her mind whether to screw or screw over Ethanol and it shows on her face as she nods to Hagrid's diatribe. She tries to bring up Rudder's legs as an attempt to keep Ethanol around a little longer. In the meantime, Ethanol takes the spear he has made to get some fish for the tribe. He tells the camera that he feels vulnerable, he is a target, blah blah blah, and this is his attempt to prove his use to the tribe. But he returns empty-handed, although he says that he almost caught one fish and it was "this big". I know, Ethanol, I've heard so many men telling me the same story before. It was always "this big" too. Back at camp, Hagrid, Jerri, and JennaLoo are talking about the possibility of voting out Rudder. Hagrid says that Rudder is his ally and friend. To the camera, he growls that Rudder is a hero because he is here at his age when the experience is killing even Hagrid. Jerri says that Rudder has never complained even once since they arrived. Hagrid repeats that he is not writing down Rudder's name - ever. And then he takes the spear from Ethanol and what do you know, comes back with a fish. A small fish, but big enough to make poor Ethanol turn green with envy. JennaLoo points out that Ethanol can't catch a thing (hmm, I'll try not to read too much into that one) but Hagrid just goes out and wham, five minutes later he caught a fish. Ethanol tells the camera that he is looking for his niche and he's not doing it well. There's no BoyBoy Club on Sobroken after all, the poor thing.

Night falls and it's now time for the Tribal Council. Probby invites them in and lacklustre chatter ensues. The only memorable moment is JennaLoo saying that it is quite okay to vote out past winners because on this show, people also vote out providers and athletes. The game doesn't have to be fair, nobody says it is. Everything else is snoozesville.

It's now time to vote.

Jerri - Rudder. Her words this time are just as well-done and diplomatic as her parting words to Tuna. Too bad they didn't show her parting words on TV. Burnetto really doesn't want people to stop hating Jerri, I guess.

Rudder - Ethanol. Again, his words are short and simple and actually very funny. Wish they showed his words on TV as well.

Ethanol - Rudder. "It's an honor to be on your team. But this is strategical." He really did say "strategical". Tool.

JennaLoo - Rudder.

Hagrid - Ethanol. He talks about how he will never betray his ally Rudder, yadda yadda yadda.

Probby goes to tally the votes. Hagrid and Ethanol are very worried as Probby reads the votes. Rudder, Ethanol, Ethanol, Rudder... Rudder. Bye, Rudder! Hagrid starts to cry while Ethanol gives a Miss Thang sniff like the snivelling lil' bitch that he is as Rudder takes the long and winding road to Loser Lodge. Probby gives a long and really overwrought speech about how we all have to love Rudder because Rudder is a hero, blah blah blah. Listen, Probby and Burnetto, appearing on this show does not make one a hero so all of you can just stuff it. Rudder has his moments but he is one of those players that can only go as far as he did on Pulau Tiga and only Pulau Tiga. But he is definitely not a hero for appearing on this show, so stop being so ridiculous! Probby, this game is not "complicated" just because Rudder has to go.

Rudder has the best final words ever. He says that he was told that Ethanol would be going, so those two that voted him out has better stay clear of him as he has "a lot of friends". Stay away from bingo parlors, JennaLoo and Jerri, or you would be attacked by grouchy old coots and their walking sticks. Rudder has said the Word, and among the sorry losers of the Sobroken Camp, he may as well be the Word.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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