SURVIVOR

All-Stars Episode 1: They're Back!

For a moment, I believe I must have switched on the wrong channel and got a Predator rerun when a helicopter flies over an ocean. Some woman's voice comes on over some radio, talking about airspaces being closed and walkways being secured in Spanish. What on earth? Has Godzilla somehow surfaced and destroyed the Survivor camp? More Spanish military speak about a Group One full force escort and intercept and high level of security being utilized. Military men, military ships - could this be? Has the world finally come to its senses and ship off the famewhores and irritating pestilence that are the contestants on this show to some prison island?

The helicopter camera zooms on a yellow-top boat on the ocean. There's a Survivor logo on the boat, along with "Saboga", which we later learn is the name of a tribe. Saboga is so boring. I'll just rename the tribe Sobroken, because as we shall soon see, this tribe is indeed broken when it comes to doing anything. More top secret military reenactment nonsense before we see another boat - Chapera. Or Cheapora to you and me. Cheapora's color is red. Then there's the green-top boat, Mogo Mogo. Which I'll just rename Ego Ego. Isn't this fun, people? First, Godzilla! Then, Osama! And now... Panama!

I hate this show already.

Before I go, allow me the indulgence to say that I am not keen at all on the idea of All-Stars. I don't want to see Hagrid again, that's for sure, but I also do not want to see Jabba, Ambore, Rat Boy, Alicia, Tuna Wesson, and the African BoyBoy Club members Lex Loser, Ethanol, and Big Red Tom again. At least on a "first-time" Survivor there is at least some semblance of spontaneous gameplay. Here, we have famewhores changed by their tacky fifteen seconds of fame now trying to regain that brief moment (Big Gay Hatch - I'm looking at you, you sad loser that seems unable to move past your Pulau Tiga victory). The only thing I'm looking forward to is my sexy and evil Robfather wrecking more of the wonderful havoc that he attempted in his aborted coup in Marquesas. So sue me, I have a weakness of evil and unscrupulous scumbags that look really good with vomit and drool dripping from their lips. But this hot momma is rooting for the Robfather.

Back to the show. Look, on the helicopter, there's Probby! Our host, Jeff Proboscis looking especially delighted as he would get to be with a shirtless and dirty Colby for the next few weeks, tells us that we are back at Panama, "in the Pacific off the coast" to be specific, and promises me that this show will be the greatest Survivor yet. I can believe that, if he's talking about the greatest when it comes to the weights of the egos combined. Apparently the whole All-Stars thing has been wrapped up in utmost secrecy. There are six Survivors in each boat, and each group is given only a canteen and very little information. Apparently these Survivors don't even know who the members of the other tribes are. Yeah right, as if these famehos don't talk to each other once they have received their ticket to sixteenth minute of fame. And once the tribes arrive at their respective islands, they will find only a machete for them to share. This, Probby says, "is the least amount of supplies" they have ever given a bunch of Survivors.

Probby wonders whether some Survivors will be "doomed" to repeat their mistakes. Then the show turns to Jerri Mantis. He wonders whether old relationships will aid or hinder some Survivors. I'm surprised they don't show the African BoyBoy Club when he says this. Or Ethanol and JennaLoo kissing on the tree, while the monkeys in terror flee, or something. Probby leans out of the helicopter and yells in that dramatic way of his every season, "Thirty-nine days, eighteen All-Stars, one... Survivor!"

Credits. Yup, they're really back, all of them. I want the Robfather to crush them all.

Probby now gives a run-down on who's who in each tribe. Because we care, really. At Ego Ego where Dramas, Physique, Domination, and Painful Frontal Obscured Nudity run rampant, there's Crazy Kathy who hopefully will learn to let her top fall off instead of letting prissy Mormon princesses beat her in the final Immunity Challenge. The train wreck that is Big Gay Hatch has his desperation to be famous again tuned so high that the inhabitants on a planet in a distant universe could pick up on their TV sets. Colby Donaldson-Proboscis will hopefully starve and become unkempt because really, he's hot only when he's in that condition. I wonder whose throat Lex Loser would want to slit this time. My money is on the Shii Devil who has a lot in common with Kelly, Lex's victim in Africa.

Sobroken is where the winners, the self-proclaimed leaders, and the dull reign supreme. JennaLoo and Jabba make an odd pair. The inexplicably popular and sleazy and dull Ethanol is back along with fricking Hagrid whom I still hate the sight of. General Rudder, another inexplicably popular Survivor whose appeal I never get, is back and if he's the geezer, Tuna Wesson is the hag. Only the wondrously bitchy and evil Jerri Mantis makes this dull, dull, dull tribe worth rooting for.

Then we have color! Fun! Deviousness! Cunning! My favorite tribe - Cheapora! There's my favorite evil man the Robfather, his lesser underling Rat Boy, the walking parasite Ambore, the hand-waving Alicia, and the whiny all-bark no-bite Sue Hawk. If that obnoxious walking apologia for ignorance and bigotry Big Red Tom isn't here, this tribe will be so perfect.

These people hug and cheer and high-five each other when they meet, because they are so happy. Rat Boy calls the Cheapos "ecletic" and he can't wait to start wheeling and dealing. Big Red Tom is barely coherent as usual, talking about how he is the odd old man out but this game is for the big boys only or something. Trust a redneck cattleman to think he has the biggest one of the lot. The Robfather reminds people that this game is going to be so cut-throat, it's not going to be funny. Shouldn't it be funny instead of not funny when the games gets cut-throat? The Robfather says that "nobody trusts anybody." He looks at the camera. He tilts his head and intones solemnly, "Nobody trusts anybody, do you understand?" Heh, now I remember why I like this guy. He's without scruples even as he can be so dim at the same time. Guys like him think they are all that, but in truth, it doesn't take much to make them do things our way.

Camp Cheapora. They find a piece of parchment attached to the tribe flag and this parchment turns out to be a truly badly drawn map to the water source and a mysterious "burnt log". I guess they've finally located Jon Fairplay's missing ding-dong. Alicia, in her confessional, says that the game is different this time around because the tribe members know each other or at least each other's gameplay. She talks about how she has to be careful of the preexisting relationships between other tribe members and ruefully acknowledges that her temper always brings out the worst in her. She knows she's very vulnerable if someone - say, the Robfather - pushes all her buttons and makes her wave her Angry Hand all over again. Awareness is always the first step to good things, so cheer up, Alicia. The Cheapos decide to go get water only to find that the water, as the Robfather puts it, is "highly contaminated". Big Red Tom is heard to compare the water to milk. I don't want to even ask. The rational action is to boil the water, but there's no matches to start a fire. The tribe is only given a metallic container and a machete. The Robfather says that this is like "being dropped off in the middle of nowhere" to fend for himself. Guess what, Robfather - you are being dropped off in the middle of nowhere to fend for yourself!

Well, there's no fire and no water, so what's a tribe to do now? Build a shelter, of course, as Rat Boy explains. The Robfather climbs a coconut tree - oh, to be tree in Panama! - to get fronds for the roof. Big Red Tom talks about how there are many ideas being bandied about and everyone wants things done his or her way. Sue tells them that she thinks that they must build the shelter right the first time so that they won't waste time repairing it. To the camera, she declares herself outspoken and believes that she will be the first to go. The Robfather tells the camera that once again, he's in the buffoon tribe. He seems amusingly chargined that he has to be the brains of the tribe once again. I love this man. There's nothing like self-confidence and a huge dose of delusional arrogance to make a really sexy villain.

From Camp Cheapora the show moves on to Camp Sobroken. Ethanol in his confessional declares that he is so happy because in his tribe there is a "mom", a "nice guy", a "military guy", and especially "the hot chick", which is Jerri. How nice for him to reduce everybody into cardboard characters for his dim-witted comprehension. I never liked this guy and I always believe that he is not a very nice fellow - the editing and the lack of screentime devoted to him in Africa only give off that impression. His throwing away uneaten food before the eyes of starving African children, for example, is one of the many hints that, to me, suggest that he's not the nicest man to have around. Now, he sounds even more smug and insufferable than before. He talks about how amazing that the "different styles of play" will come together. Come together to do what, he never elaborates. Maybe he's talking about them worshipping at his feet.

The Brokeheads have a map indicting the location of the water source and the burnt log as well. Tuna calls Rudder to read the map. Rudder asks her whether she thinks he's Magellan. Tuna tells the camera that she's here because "it's part of being" (translation: I'm a desperate fameho) and she's not here for money (translation: I need another boob job) but for the life experiences (translation: I'm really a fameho). Hagrid just has to speak, and he says that he's the "new guy" - not to be confused with the "nude guy" who unfortunately isn't Colby - and feels rather threatened because everyone else knows everyone and he's the odd man out. He thinks he'll just "stand back" and let "the egos" do their thing. I have fifty bucks here saying that he'll never be able to "stand back" because when it comes to egos, Hagrid's the blimp floating up there in the sky of hubris. Hagrid adds that this is a new strategy for him, as opposed to his schoolyard bullying and steamrolling anyone that dares disagree with him on Pearl Islands. Since Hagrid is not the type to remain humble, I expect to see a beautiful explosion soon. You can't put Hagrid and JennaLoo in the same tribe without some huge conflicts cropping up.

Speaking of JennaLoo, she tells the camera that she already has a plan the moment she sees whom her fellow tribesmates are. She'll bond with Jerri Mantis, Rudder, and Hagrid, she says, and the new Cokecasta-Sandra-Hagrid (and Rudder) alliance will pick off Ethanol and Tuna one by one. Which makes sense: why let previous winners win again, right? Meanwhile, Jerri tells the camera that she is not pleased to be in the same tribe as Tuna because Tuna doesn't like her, as if someone disliking Jerri has ever stopped that woman before. She announces her strategy this time to mostly revolve around her keeping her trap shut. If she and Hagrid go on with this and stop talking altogether during the entire season, I think this will be my favorite season of all time.

The Brokeheads locate their water source and like the Cheapos', theirs is also contaminated. Jerri worries that the water will contain "brain parasites" that would put her into a coma. Rudder doesn't understand why they stop him from drinking the water straight away. He says that he has drunk plenty of "bad water" in Russia and Vietnam so the water here will be no trouble at all for him. How this man got past Burnetto's insurance people is beyond me.

Now let's see what is happening at Camp Ego Ego. Everyone is working on the shelter. Every season has a "good" tribe and a "bad tribe" and it looks like the Egos are the good guys to the disorganized "bad" Cheapos as they seem to be working very well together. Lex Loser has a confessional where he talks about being haunted by his failure to clinch the big prize in Africa. He's the only one that cares, because I sure don't, not when this guy is dumb and every inch a bully like Hagrid. Lex gives ugly tattoos a bad name. Colby addresses the Egos on the best way to erect a shelter - because Colby knows everything about erections - and tells the camera that no one has ever returned to the game twice. Probby sends a RSVP to him at once asking him to join Probby in a private clothings-optional viewing of the entire Pearl Island season. Colby goes on and on about some boring stuff like how different the game is this time around et cetera. Big Gay Hatch seems to be bonding with Jabba and Shii Devil. Jabba tells the camera that everyone here is a moron to return here and starve together. She misses out on "abandoning my sick mommy once again after crying all about it on the Amazon season" but I'm sure she's saving that one for a Rewards Challenge in the future. By the way, Jabba with High D make a fiendish but memorable gruesome twosome. Jabba alone, however, is just another dumb bimbo. However, without High D, Jabba doesn't seem to think that older women are jealous of her anymore, as she and Crazy Kathy walk on the beach and talk about a possible alliance between Lex Loser, Colby, and Big Gay Hatch that could jeopardize the ladies' survival on the game. Shii Devil joins them and a potiential Girl Power Alliance may be in the works.

The three men at Camp Ego Ego are talking about this potential Girl Power Alliance while the ladies are away talking about a potential Boys Club Alliance. Heh. Big Gay Hatch confesses to the camera that the Egos are getting paranoid just like he wants them to. He wonders whether he should be paranoid, before making a dismissive sound. Watching him, I feel that I am watching a cartoon character instead of a villain that Hatch is reputed to be. To be honest, I always feel that Hatch's reputation is overrated anyway. He's the first winner, that's all he is. He was smart enough to ride an alliance to the finish and benefitted from Kelly Woggleboggle's turning Judas on Sue Hawk, but over the years, better villains have come and supplanted Hatch. Yet Hatch is one sad person that still clings to him being a Survivor winner a few years ago as a measure of entire his self-worth, and his desperate need to vindicate himself one more time is pathetic to watch.

Shii Devil and Crazy Kathy are speculating on what Lex Loser and Colby are up to. Ladies, they are here on this island for not even one day. Just what do you think those two men could be up to? Kathy tells the camera that while they talk, they never think to check whether anyone is listening to them. This is the cue for Hatch to emerge from the bushes to gloat that he has heard everything, because that's what the Smartest Survivor Ever does: reveal his strategy to bask in a moment of dubious glory instead of letting those women remain ignorant of his eavesdropping. But since the women haven't talked of anything too significant, game-plan wise, Kathy can still afford to laugh it off. Later, the Ego Egos treat the whole potential gender warefare as something to chuckle about. Lines have already been drawn, however, despite the easy camaraderie and Lex's nauseating nipple ring. Lex says that they should work together and plot later. Colby declares that all men and women are snakes, which I doubt is a wise thing to say. Hatch vows to stir everyone up and as we shall soon see, he does this by getting naked. I hope that he instead succeeds in uniting the Egos to boot his naked ass that nobody wants to see off the island.

Jabba and Shii Ann realize that Hatch is frollicking naked in the sea when they approach him and Shii Devil asks him whether he has a rock where she can use her knife on to start a fire. They gasp when they realize that he's naked and beat a hasty retreat. I am not keen on Hatch using his naked dingdong as a form of intimidation because it's juvenile as well as stupid. I mean, would any smart man flash his crown jewels at a woman carrying a knife?

Over at Camp Cheapora, the Robfather and Big Red Tom are rubbing woods where Ambore and Rat Boy are blowing hard. They are trying to make fire, just to make that clear so that your mind isn't thinking of something else. Alas, they don't succeed. Alicia complains to the camera that they need fire to boil water and the first tribe to do this will be better off when it comes to doing Challenges. Sue Hawk reminisces about her attempts to start a fire in Pulau Tiga, which isn't useful at all as she concludes her ramblings by saying that she's not cut out for fire making so sorry guys. "There's that positive attitude we are looking for!" the Robfather all but snarls at her. Sue talks about how she worked for two days straight back in Pulau Tiga so these people here have no idea how hard it is. I guess her rationale here is that while it's hard, it's okay when other people do it for her. Big Red Tom expresses frustration at Sue's unwillingness to give a helping hand. That was last time, he says, referring to Sue Hawk's wonderful adventures in Pulau Tiga, and "this is this time". No crap, ain't that the truth!

Sue selflessly removes her useless self from camp to get a drink because she refuses to let her body be dehydrated. Reasoning that she has drunk bad water infested with "beaver poop" in a Canadian before - it's news to me that waters in Canada are as bad as the waters in an island in Panama, oh you poor Canadians indeed - so this is no problem. She cuts a coconut and makes a scoop out of one half and begins to drink. When she returns to Camp Cheapora, Rat Boy asks her whether she really did drink from the water source. She says that she drank until she was full. Rat Boy calls her a "dumbass" and the Robfather laughs before giving the camera an exasperated look. I can sympathize. In his confessional, the Robfather says that he has to make sure that Sue remains healthy, even if his tone suggests that he really wishes that he doesn't have to, because as a tribe they need all the strong and able members to work together. Big Tom back at camp announces that when Sue dies, he doesn't want her body messing up the camp. Now you know why I love the Cheapos.

Over at Sobroken, the Brokeheads are also trying to make a fire. Hagrid succeeds only in creating smoke. Hmm, now that's a many-layered sentence. Hagrid says that they need fire to boil the water. Gee, what a coincidence - the Cheapos need fire for that same reason! I wonder why the Egos need fire. Burnetto, fix your editing because all this repetitious confessionals are getting annoying. Hagrid says that they can drink water straight from the source like Rudder did, he guesses, but he doesn't want to die. Ethanol fails to make fire as well, although his grunts and moans during his attempts are really, really gross to hear. I feel so sorry for Jennifer Love Hewitt for the first time in my life. JennaLoo gives a pointless confessional to express her disappointment that there's more smoke than fire in Sobroken. Hmm, I think we have our first of Burnetto's Moments Of Heavy Irony right there. Rudder tries the bow-based method to start a fire only to snap the stick in half. JennaLoo sighs, saying that they will only get fire when God strikes a log around the camp with a bolt of lightning. I could have told her that God doesn't care about the plight of the Brokeheads - God prefers The Amazing Race.

Jerri is in the water with another really nice swimsuit thingie. Hagrid gets to enjoy the view as they talk about how they need something to boost the tribe morale. Maybe they can hire the Feuhrer from Pearl Islands; he knows all about tribe morales. Jerri tells the camera that everyone realizes that nobody is going to save them and they really have to save themselves. Should the UN call for an emergency meeting, Jerri?

Rudder and Hagrid on the beach, P-L-O-T-T-I-N-G. Rudder tells a sweating Hagrid that they should consider an alliance together. Hagrid tells Rudder that he has heard of Rudder being a man of his words. Rudder says that he is. Hagrid says that he too is a man of his words! Wow, I'm surprised that these two don't demand that their mothers thank them for having the privilege of carrying and giving birth to such wonderful men like Rudder and Hagrid. Hagrid tells the camera that with this alliance, they will go all the way, because an Alliance of Two Blowhard Buffoons against the world is definitely unbeatable to the glorious finish. He is so glad that Rudder manages to look past Hagrid's tacky clothes to see the real Hagrid. The "real Hagrid" in this case refers to the man Hagrid imagines himself to be in his mind, a magnanimous superhero the world loves and appreciates and caters to, because the Hagrid I am seeing is still a self-absorbed bullying twit that uses his high school issues as an excuse to whine when life doesn't go his way. Rudder points out to Hagrid that Jerri and JennaLoo are potentially in an alliance, ditto Tuna and Ethanol, so Hagrid and Rudder would have to look out for each other. Rudder confesses that he and Hagrid swear loyalty and what not to each other so the sun is shining and everything is alright. Burnetto is no doubt hoping that I am rooting for what he believes to be the two most likeable Survuvors ever, but in the case of Hagrid and Rudder, I beg to differ. Really differ.

Day two. Gosh, I'm starting to think that this episode will never end. At Cheapora, the Robfather is not a happy man. He says that he is dying because he didn't sleep the night before because there are insects and Ambore and all that rolling and tossing and turning and... oh, he doesn't think he can do this lack of sleep thing for another night! He says that this place is worse than Marquesas. Talking about the shelter, he wonders why he isn't allowed to boss everyone around as he's the one with the construction work experience in the tribe. Alicia begs to differ (surprise, surprise), saying that they should work on getting fire started before working on shelter. Ambore agrees with the Robfather (gee, another surprise) while Alicia tells those two that everyone else but them slept well last night. So the need to start a fire is apparently a majority decision according to Alicia. The Robfather talks about how weary he is after yesterday's efforts at starting a fire, upon which Alicia starts mouthing off about how he is yelling at her (he isn't), and they're off on a good early start in the morning.

Big Tom tells the camera that he has never heard so much "crybaby titty-sucking" all his life. Now that kind of phraseology is what they should ban along with Janet Jackson's Superbowl nipple tassel. He thinks that those bickering dweebs should just toughen up some more. Alicia finds a supporter on the shelter issue in Sue Hawk and drags Sue into her argument with the Robfather. The Robfather calls Alicia a drama queen in his confessional and Alicia fires back in her confessional that no one elected the Robfather as a leader so he and his "little in-pocket girl" Ambore can take a hike. The show however shows a montage of scenes that suggest that it is Alicia that goes around bossing her tribemates.

After beating a hasty retreat, the Robfather and Ambore now pick up sticks and twigs for the tribe's fire-making. He asks her to be his ally, and Ambore, after some moments of faux-virginal demureness, agrees. I really laugh when he tells her so seriously that they will then have to stop being so obviously in an alliance and all activities like gathering sticks together today have to stop. A guy that plots with the glee of an Acme villain in a Looney Tune cartoon while carrying himself like some Machievallian overlord - what a guy! In his interview, the Robfather smirks as he talks about how he wants to be in alliance with Ambore because she's beautiful. Incongruously, he happily adds that he doesn't think she will screw him. Oh wait, he means that kind of screw. Anyway, file this scene under one of the undoubtedly many moments of Potential Foreshadowings on this show. Given Burnetto's editing history, there's a strong possibility that Ambore will sell out the Robfather at a later stage in the game.

At Ego Ego, Lex and Colby have big strong wood that they rub together but alas, still no fire. They aren't meant to be. Colby wonders what he is doing here. Hatch giggles and acts like the Joker in his confessional as he says that he knows how to start a fire "without even blinking". If the spoiler community is to be believed, he doesn't have to blink, only to remove that matchstick he smuggled in a tube up his anus into the game. He then camps it up for the camera, talking about how invulnerable he is - complete with dramatic pauses in his rantings and smug facial expressions - and to top it off, he's wearing a skirt. He comes off like a deranged crossdresser that has escaped from some lunatic asylum.

Lex Loser is hard at work around camp while Shii Devil is lounging around like a frail princess. Apparently she's ill and he's gracious about letting her rest so that she can recoup for the Immunity Challenge. Careful, Shii Devil, he has a thing for slitting the throats of people - he's nice to you until he thinks you are plotting behind him and then he goes on a berserk rampage. Hatch, meanwhile, announces that he's not going to work because he isn't in the mood. Lex, Shii Devil, and Jabba correctly deduce that Hatch is deliberately out to get on their nerves. Shii Devil says that Hatch is "the king" to which Lex cuts in and says, "When he was playing with a bunch of sheep." He accurately points out that Hatch's gameplan in Pulau Tiga would never work now. Shii Devil says that everyone wants to dethrone Hatch. She approaches Hatch and asks him why he always go off by himself. He says that he wants them to know that he's okay with them scheming, and if you believe that, come visit me in my castle in Andorra. Shii Ann tells the camera that she doesn't think that life would be fun should Hatch be eliminated. I certainly hope that she is joking. Another Hatch naked shot, which by now is becoming even more tired and boring than "Janet Jackson's nipple" and "Britney Spears kissing Madonna".

Hey, tree-mail! It's a flag. Rat Boy finds one for the Cheapos and while he is quite surprised that the Immunity Challenge is taking place later today instead of tomorrow, he shrugs. "We'll probably just be thirstier tomorrow," he says. Join up with the Robfather and Ambore, Rat Boy, and with Jerri post-merge, let's mow down everybody else to form the Bitchiest, Most Evil Final Four ever in the history of Survivor! He is wearing a dive mask when he gets back to camp and tells the Cheapos that he has "good" and "bad" news. The good news is that the pole that comes with the flag can be used on the shelter or to build a hammock (I think). The bad news is that diving will be involved. The Robfather thinks that the diving thing isn't that bad though. He asks Sue to come over and read the tree-mail because Sue has such a lovely voice, but Sue can't be bothered so the Robfather has to read it himself. Hmmm, thick Boston accent is never this sexy. Ironically, the flag talks about a tribe united - the Robfather stops to read aloud "U-nit-y!" to Sue at this, which makes me love this villainous freak even more than I ever thought possible - as well as "a man with flames". Rat Boy dryly suggests that the latter must refer to Hatch. Best. Tribe. Ever. Ambore speaks for the first time, telling the camera that she hopes to get fire. Rat Boy on the other hand is happy because he will now get to see who are in the other tribe. (He's not aware that there are three tribes, remember.)

Probby waits for them at the beach. The Cheapos walk in first, followed by the Egos. Lots of pointless gasps and greetings follow, including Hatch's openly dismissive "Consider them gone!" greeting to Probby. At the rate he is going, Big Gay Hatch is a heavy contender for the Most Idiotic Survivor ever. Then in walk to Brokeheads, causing genuine surprise to ripple through the Cheapos and the Egos. Colby looks especially displeased to see Jerri while Hagrid is happy because everyone is looking at him in interest. Now they talk about their first day. Nobody has fire so nobody can drink water. The water is therefore worthless, Probby concludes. "Well," Rat Boy starts to speak, and then pause when all eyes turn to look at him. Sue Hawk admits to drinking the water without boiling. Probby asks Rudder whether that is wise of her to do so, because we all know Rudder is the authority on everything in life. He has written a book, after all! Rudder says, "Yeah." Everyone laughs because it is Rudder and everything Rudder says is funny. Probby wonders aloud whether it is because the other tribe is drinking the contaminated water. "Yeah," Rudder says. Everyone laughs again. I look around for those signs they flash when they want the audience to laugh or clap but I can't find any. Those newfangled computers can hide anything in TV shows and movies nowadays, hmmmph!

Probby then announces the Immunity Challenge, which is similar to the first ever Immunity Challenge on Survivor. A tribe must dive down into the ocean to release a raft. There are torches on the raft that they have to use to light the wok-shaped plinths along the way. Then they carry themselves and the raft under a low platform, light one final torch, and voila, Immunity is won! However, since there are three tribes, this time around two tribes will win Immunity. The Immunity Idol - or Idols, in this case - is a statue that can be separated into two. Probby then explains what will happen should they lose Immunity, which is odd because we are talking about ex-Survivors here that have heard those same words so many times already.

Because Hatch believes that the world wants to see him naked again and again until there are no more eyeballs remaining in their sockets, he whips his skirt off, prompting Probby to announce that the season has officially started. Jabba, standing right behind Hatch, has a wonderful expression of distaste and she is so funny when she moves extra careful so that she would not come in contact with any inch of Hatch's bare skin. After all, Hatch doesn't even strip for peanut butter, so he must be really cheap indeed, so unlike Jabba.

Hagrid's superheroic stupidity fails to let him see that the raft has been freed so he dives down and struggles to free an already freed raft, causing the Brokeheads to trail behind the Cheapos and the Egos. Stumbling, lighting, JennaLoo almost falling off the raft, Ethanol pulling at a torch hard, and tumbling, eventually it is the Cheapos that come in first, the Egos second, and alas, thanks to Hagrid trying to be a superhero, the Brokeheads third. Guess who is going to the Tribal Council tonight? The Cheapos light their portion of the Idol. Sue and the Robfather, united in victory at last, perform a really adorably cute victory dance that has to be seen to be believed.

On their way back to camp, the Robfather announces that the Cheapos have won today because they are a team. They have issues at camp but they play as a team, he says, calling his tribe the biggest bunch of misfits one can assemble from the first seven seasons of Survivor. How true indeed, although I'd also add "underdogs" to his accurate description of the Cheapos. Since the Robfather says that nobody expects the Cheapos to win, maybe he is saying that they are all underdogs in a sense. Ambore says that they have won the first Immunity Challenge in the first All-Stars episode so it's... er, an achievement of sorts, I guess. Surely there is someone out there that finds this trivia noteworthy. The Robfather cautions though that while the tribe morale is high, they still have that pesky lack of fire problem to work on.

Day three. The mood in Camp Sobroken is understandably downbeat as JennaLoo talks about how horrible it is to have to go to the first Tribal Council. It's horrible! She, Hagrid, Rudder, and Jerri have a pow-wow where she suggests that they eliminate one of the two former winners. Why give them more money? Jerri feels a little guilty because she's very into this idea as she wants the winners to know what having your torch snuffed out feels like. Hagrid isn't giving his full commitment though, prompting JennaLoo to worry about Hagrid's gameplan. Ethanol and JennaLoo are talking privately now where Ethanol tries to tell JennaLoo to take him to the end because nobody would vote him a winner. I love how JennaLoo pretty much tells him that she wants him out no matter what. In her confessional, she says that none of the other non-winners here want to give the winners any chance at winning the money even if these non-winners won't admit it. "Sorry guys, get the hell off our playing field - it's our game now," she declares fiercely. I like this - here is one Survivor that doesn't try to pass her intentions and emotions under some hypocritical nice and moral BS. Ethanol can learn a lot from this woman.

Tuna now talks to Ethanol and tries to think of a way to pull Hagrid in and fend off the hungry vultures out to pick their carcasses and boot out JennaLoo instead. Boo-hoo-hoo, poor Tuna. So Ethanol tells Hagrid privately to come play with him and Tuna in the smelly pile, reminding him of how JennaLoo and Jerri were in the past seasons. Which is somewhat amusing because when it comes to loyalty, JennaLoo and Jerri have track records that are better than Hagrid's, Ethanol's, and Tuna's combined. Ethanol tells Hagrid that he is a man of his words and Hagrid can trust him, blah blah blah. He leaves behind Hagrid who then takes the opportunity to tell the cameras that once more, he is an Important Person, a Swing Vote, blah blah blah. He spends the rest of the day being watched by Ethanol and Tuna. I bet he likes the attention.

Night falls, and along with night comes a thunderstorm. Probby talks about how wet the weather is and how fire represents life and how he should just shut up or find a new variation of the speech. Then it's chit-chat time. What's to say about the inane chit-chat? Highlights include Hagrid coming here for his wife and children (the money - NEVER!) and Rudder is seventy-five years old (and he's old, did you know that?) and everyone is sad and miserable and Ethanol thinks that people not wanting him to win again is because they have something against him. Er, no, Ethanol, it's nothing personal - it's because everyone else wants the money, you idiot. JennaLoo says that she will never give an ex-winner should she make Jury. She gets my applause when she calls the ex-winners' talking about how they are here for the challenge as pure BS because it is easy to say such when you have already won a million dollars. JennaLoo is taking this game a little too seriously to Che Guevarra levels but hey, it's good money we're talking about here so you go, JennaLoo! Meanwhile, Ethanol moans about how unfair it is that people are targetting him, because winning sports teams aren't disqualified from playing again next year, et cetera, which is rubbish because nobody here is disqualifying him and most certainly, nobody is stopping him from trying to make alliances to save himself. All he and Tuna are doing is to whine and moan because - gasp! - someone thinks that they don't deserve the money and That Is So Unfair. Shut up and play the game already, you two whiny windbags!

Oh, and while the Survivors are getting soaked, they are also rinsing their wet fabrics to drink the rainwater because remember, they don't have fresh water. Good for them, but poor me for having to see JennaLoo slobber into and sucking at her clothes.

It's time to vote.

Ethanol - JennaLoo. "Jenna, Jenna, Jenna! You love this little power position you're in and your mouth just keeps going and going and going. But you better be careful because it might bite you in that big old butt of yours. So we'll see..." Ethanol, meet a screwdriver. You're both tools.

JennaLoo - Tuna. Jerri - Tuna. By the way, Jerri's words to Tuna, not shown on TV, is very polite and very well-done indeed.

Tuna - JennaLoo. She cheers Hagrid on, if you must know.

Rudder - Tuna. I love his short and simple words to Tuna (not shown on TV). Hagrid - Tuna.

Bye Tuna Wesson! In her parting words, she talks about a great three days and how she doesn't enter on an "equal playing ground" - whatever. In the meantime, Probby sends the Brokeheads home while reminding them to give him back their torches (heh). The Brokeheads, wet and cold, straggle out into the darkness.

Next week: Survivors suffering! Thirsty! Hungry! Even dying! My heart breaks for them, it really does.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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