SURVIVOR

All-Stars Episode 3: Shark Attack!

Previously, Jeff Proboscis's voiceover says, Rudder was voted off and some people online acted as if the terrorists have won. People should stop mixing up reality TV shows with real life and especially stop acting as if all military men are superheroes that can't do wrong and have to be worshipped blindly. Anyway, rant over, on with today's show. If you are a constant lurker in the spoiler community - like me - the "surprise" today would be far from a surprise. It is very easy to take the date of the passing of Jabba's mother, do the maths, and realize that Mrs Morasca passed away during the early stages of the filming of this show. Sightings and rumors are unanimous in pointing out that Jabba leaves the show at this very episode to be with her mother. While I find this episode tastefully done for a show that deliberately cast Jabba because Burnetto is hoping for a "drama" of this proportion to happen (and it does), I am not sure about the show's making it seem as if Jabba has some sixth sense to return to her mother to be by her side. This episode is like a Hallmark drama - too sweet, too emotional, and yet exploitative all the same at the end of the day.

Anyway, on with the show. Credits - who's the biggest wuss this season, Ethanol or Hagrid?

Stupid ukulele music "whoots" to the sunrise as day seven begins on Camp Ego Ego. Flies swarm over a sloth - is the sloth dead? No, it isn't - the sloth scratches its face lazily as the flies buzz around it. The scene segues into the scene of Lex pulling up his shorts to scratch his thigh without exposing anything I won't want to see, like the Bill Clinton tattoo on his Lex Junior. It's time for the seasonal Insects Are Biting And We Are Whining scene again that happens every season so that Burnetto can remind us that even if these Survivors can't start a fire, boil water, or build a shelter without waiting for Probby to hand them the flint, they are bitten by insects so yes, They Really Are Hardy Survivors. Lex Loser regrets scratching the insect bites because scratching makes the wounds tear open and when the seawater gets into them, ouch. But Hatch is scratching (that will teach him to go around naked - I wonder whether there are insect bites on his... oh, okay, I'll shut up now before everyone gets really grossed out). Jabba is scratching. So's Colby. Is this where I insert some crack about monkeys? Lex warns everyone not to scratch, but Jabba tries to cheat by rubbing her hands along her pants. Crazy Kathy tells her not to scratch as Jabba will get scars. Jabba tells her that she is not scratching. In her confessional, Jabba says that the bites make them all look like bigger freaks than they already are. Lex tells her to stop "itching" (huh?) because she only has to endure "half an hour" of itchies before everything will be okay. He is so concerned over Jabba's arms being no longer smooth like they used to be. Lex is so nice to the pretty ladies.

Jabba says that she hates everything, quickly adding that she doesn't hate the Egos, just everything else, and she wants to go home. Gee, that whine sounds a little familiar, don't you think? She takes a walk along the beach and the Wails of Foreshadowing and Sentimental Muzak comes on because people, Jabba is so sad. Crazy Kathy, the appointed Wise Woman Of The Episode because Sally Struthers is too expensive, says that Jabba isn't eating and her body is in a "tailspin". Jabba just wants to go home, Kathy says, and Jabba isn't drinking or eating properly even when Kathy tries to prod her into it. I guess this isn't the time to point out the fact that maybe "models" and "eating properly" don't always go together. Kathy concludes that Jabba has turned into some "wandering zombie". If Kathy is the designated Wise Maternal Woman, I don't think she's doing very well in that role.

Lex and Shii Devil point out how sad Jabba is, in case there are still two people watching this show that don't get the idea that Jabba is Really Sad Because There Is A Bond Between Her And Mommy That Warns Her To Go Home Quick. Jabba sits alone on some rock formation to contemplate the sea. A long lone walk, gazing into the sea - you can't get more Hallmark than that. All Burnetto is missing from his overproduced bad TV movie today is Jabba staring longingly at the seagulls that fly free. Jabba stares longingly at the seagulls that fly free. Oops, guess I spoke too soon.

Over at Camp Sobroken, Jerri decides to make a table. Hagrid watches her and makes a condescending sound. Because lil' girls doing carpentry is so cute, but wait until "real men" like Hagrid steps in and shows them how to do things, like making a house in a hole. He says that the camp is filled with "nervous energy" because people are guilty about Rudder's boot. Since he knows beforehand about Rudder's eviction and I don't see him warning Rudder about this, he's the one to talk about guilt, that hypocritical jerk. Jerri however says in her confessional that she actually feels good about the post-Rudder Sobroken as the four remaining tribe members are "family". Yeah, where Hagrid is the supremely irritating know-it-all fat jerk uncle that insists he knows the best way to do everything, Ethanol is the weasel uncle that everybody hates because he's just a snivelling and useless turd, JennaLoo is the annoying codependent shrew, and Jerri is the bitch trying to play nice. One big family that works well together indeed.

Hagrid catches a tiny fish for breakfast. Ethanol can't have that so he demands to know where Hagrid caught that fish. He then goes out to catch a fish of his own, only to fail again. Hagrid laughs as he watches from the shore because he's the bigger egomaniac of them all. He tells the camera that there shouldn't be a competition between he and Ethanol. Of course, if the situation is reversed, I'd bet that Hagrid will be the first to treat fish catching as a competition, so a big whatever to him. Jerri finds the men's competition funny. Ethanol returns from his excursion, this time with a story about how he almost caught a fish, only this time the fish hid in some "little nook". Yeah, Ethanol, I've heard that one too many times before. Hagrid, to the camera, wishes that Ethanol will stop because this competition will only hurt Ethanol's feelings. Picture me here hoping that the snivelling pipsqueak will catch a fish even if by accident just to spite Hagrid. Hagrid feels happy because his tribe is alright, which in Hagrid-speak means "a tribe, no matter how small, where he gets to feel that he's the best, if only in his mind".

Back to Ego Ego, an overweight naked man sees a shark, lets the shark bite him on the arm (it probably can't make out the puny ding-dong), swims around with the shark biting him for half an hour (or so he says), before clubbing the shark to death with a stone. This scene is hyped up with Jaws music and all, but the thing here is, one, it is a tiny shark and two, he could have just swam back to camp instead of flailing around as if he's being attacked by a voracious shark. He's not. It's a small shark that feeds on small fish and other sealife. Burnetto and Hatch try to make it sound as if Hatch has survived a shark attack, but the truth is closer to a drama queen terrorizing helpless sealife in a vain attempt to prop up his masculinity.

He returns to camp where he shows off his wound to his admiring syncophants and talks about how he bit the shark in retaliation when the shark bit him. Funny, I didn't see that in that blurry scene ealier where Hatch terrorized a poor shark. Colby wonders aloud whether one can call a gay man a stud. Hey, they call you a stud, so shut up, Mrs Jeff Proboscis. You know what they say, Colby: men in glass house should not throw stones. Shii Devil gushes in her confessional about how "Hemingwayesque" Hatch's "man versus nature" encounter is. I think someone needs to go out more often or at least read a really good book once in a while. Man versus nature? Nature lost the day it allowed Hatch to end up the way he is today. Jabba and she agree that Hatch is "impressive". Shii Devil clarifies to the camera that Hatch may not be "impressive downstairs", but everything else about him is "impressive". Just like the state of this tribe's absolute flatness, come to think of it, which is also very impressive when I think of it.

Crazy Kathy now demonstrates the fine idea of killing an already dead shark by placing it on some rocks and bludgeoning it clumsily with a machete. I think she's trying to hack it up, but whatever it is she is doing, she isn't doing a good job. Hatch brags about being the best provider that has everyone else worshipping the ground he walks on in gratitude before eating the fish ("It bit me, I eat him!") before sniffing like a drama queen trying too hard to ham it up to the camera. That's what I don't like about the All-Stars Survivor concept: it brings back Survivors that are so hungry for another shot of fame that they ham it up instead of actually playing the game. I won't be surprised if Hatch will at some point in the future dangle two remora fish, one from each nipple, and swing from tree to tree while screaming at the world to Look! At! Him! because he is So! Great! Amazing! and so desperate for public attention without realizing that he, like many of the contestants on this show, have long outlived his expiry date.

Now back to Sobroken, where they discover a chest at the place where they usually receive their tree-mail. They open the chest to discover that Burnetto has managed to trick Home Depot into paying for some product-placement on this show. Inside the chest are tools of all kinds - drills, hammers, chisel, saw, and more. The Brokeheads are excited. I don't know why they are excited because it's just a chest of tools and nothing more. Maybe they really enjoy making holes, bashing things, cutting down objects, and more. The badly-worded missive talks about how they must build a shelter and like Home Depot says, if they want to do it, Home Depot is here to help them! I'm sure that many people, after watching this show, would be rushing to Home Depot to buy tools to help them build a hole in the ground according to Hagrid's magnificent idea. Anyway, the tribe with the best remodeled shelter will receive mosquito nets, comfortable beddings and matresses, and blankets for their pleasant night's sleep.

For the first time Camp Cheapora makes an appearance. It turns out that they aren't washed out to sea during the night like I feared. They are very animated over their Challenge. Sue Hawk immediately announces that the Cheapos will fail in this Challenge for reasons only she will know. Big Red Tom argues with her over this, which leads to Tom calling Sue a hag from hell in his confessional. "How I made it to forty-eight without Sue Hawk leading me by the hand is a mystery," he says, much to my delight. "She's the bossiest woman I've ever been around," he says, adding that "her elevator doesn't go to the top floor." Seriously, what is Sue's problem?

The Robfather points out that he works in construction, so the Cheapos agree to follow his lead just like they should. Sue Hawk and Ambore sit out. Sue tells the camera that she sits out because her tribemates are stupid, saying that she hopes that they lose. Alicia lets the Robfather lead this time because as she tells him, "This is all about you!" The Robfather is full of confidence that nothing will go wrong because he's in charge. Nothing went wrong when he was in charge of Maramoomoo on Marquesas too.

The Robfather and Big Red Tom click very well, Tom explains to the camera, as they get down to work. Trading Spaces should come a-calling soon as the Robfather tells Alicia and Rat Boy to work on the "creative" aspect of the shelter while the boys work on the structure of the shelter. Rat Boy is not happy to be left out of the Robfather's all-male frat party, as he complains to the camera and later to Alicia that the story of his Survivor life is he never getting the chance to play with the big boys. Maybe it's because the big boys are creeped out by him and his wide-eyed staring at them in the showers, has he ever considered that notion?

Ambore crosses her legs, uncrosses them, and crosses them again as she watches her manly consort fix and build things. She cooes to the camera that she has initially thought that their "flirting" is nothing more than strategy on each their part ("Oh baby, that's right, do that to me... ooh, your strategy is so amazing, baby!"). Watching him however, she starts to feel that he's "pretty hot". It will be so much easier to flirt with him now, she says in fake coyness. Some people will say anything to justify their boinking on TV, I tell you.

Alicia is working on what seems like a rock garden. The Robfather says in his confessional that "Alicia thinks she's this architect for some Zen company or something." He says that her "vision" is "as deep as..." He pauses to search for the right phrase, only to shrug and smile in that devilishly sexy way of his as he says, "Yeah, that's about how deep it is." A nasty insult delivered in classic Robfather style - I love that!

Meanwhile, they all notice that Rat Boy is missing. Alicia shrugs and says that she has no idea where he went to. The Robfather says to the camera that Rat Boy is "useless all around" and acts as if he's on some "neverending coffee break". Okay, who kidnapped the Robfather and replaced Hunter in his stead? Rat Boy shows up finally and tells Alicia that he went to "grab something" and that something was "too heavy" to get it back to camp. Gosh, that sounds dirty. I'd suggest that Ambore look around really closely before taking off her clothes the next time she bathes in the river.

Alicia snootily points out that Rat Boy's absence is noted by everyone on camp. Rat Boy sheepishly wonders whether they need more rocks. Alicia cuts him off with a sharp, "You want to get rocks." Ouch. Rat Boy looks horrified, maybe because he realizes that he's truly without allies in this tribe. Alicia says that she is hot and tired because she has been doing her share of work so it's high time Rat Boy does his share of the work. Rat Boy slouches off, tail between his legs. So much for the "best Survivor to have never won", eh, Probby?

Over at Sobroken, Hagrid has a really great idea and he is shooting down everyone's opinion because he has a Really Great Idea. Hagrid announces that he's a "rehabber" - I thought he was a troubled teens counselor? - so he knows what he is talking about when he announces that everyone is building a log cabin today. The log cabin thing is still okay, but Hagrid loses it by announcing that they will dig in the beach so that the cabin is built halfway into the ground. Digging? On a beach? Jerri thinks it is a lousy idea but Hagrid just shakes his head like some poor martyr - oh, silly girls, what do they know about Hagrid's Eternal Wisdom, eh? Gosh, I hate that jerk. Jerri correctly points out that the submerged cabin will be in trouble when the tide comes in, but Hagrid insists that this idea is Original! Splendid!, and Wonderful! because it is his idea so it must be good. Jerri tells him that it is more important to build a shelter that they can sleep comfortably in, but Hagrid just keeps shaking his head as if he is listening to the stupidest kid in the world and we should be grateful that he's kind enough to pretend to listen to her.

Jerri calls Hagrid a "control freak" in her confessional as Hagrid thinks that it's his way or the highway. She points out that the shelter is a flood hazard. To her tribemates, Jerri is surprisingly very tactful and diplomatic as she tries to explain her concern. Hagrid again shoots her down by saying that he has been in this business for forty years so he knows what he is saying. Oh? I now suspect that this "rehabber cum troubled teen couselor" probably "rehabs" old houses by turning them into crackhouses where he "counsels" troubled teens by getting everybody high along with him. Jerri calls for a vote, but JennaLoo and Ethanol are staying out of this. Ethanol tells the camera that he can't be more delighted that Hagrid and Jerri are fighting. Oh stuff it, you emasculated pipsqueak - you have no part in initiating this argument so you're not smart like you think you are. Ethanol says that he thinks Jerri is right but he's not taking her side as he wants them to fight. I hope he accidentally sits on a sharp tree branch when their log cabin is flooded and they have to sleep on the tree branches as a result.

The Egos have lofty ideas - Lex and Colby want to build a treehouse. Or as Colby puts it, the floor plan is "up there". The treehouse will have a "nap area" and "kitchen area". I love the kitchen idea, especially. I can't wait for them to start a fire in the treehouse because with their incompetence, chances are they will end up burning the whole island to the ground. Colby also wants a "love nest" in the treehouse for him and Lex Loser when they want some quiet "the Dorks of Hazard" moments together. Why the love nest? Because, as Colby says, with Hatch in the tribe, there are lots of love around. Too much love, Lex adds. For two guys that are so afraid of coming off as even a little sensitive towards the feelings of the gay community, they seem to be oblivious as to how they are coming off like Hatch's newest bitches that want his "love" to spread all around. Meanwhile, Jabba and Shii Devil are making a list of what they want to be included in the treehouse. Among these things are a rock garden and a TV. Jabba says that they are not going to make a TV here. Hah, as if they even could, because if they could, I'll eat my hat.

Hatch and Kathy sit out. Hatch's confession, like all his confessions, sees him huffing and puffing about what an excellent idea it is that he chooses to sit out, blah blah blah. I'm starting to believe that Hatch croons about what a genius he is to his reflection in the mirror every morning as he pinches his pimples. "Wow! You pinched that zit! Amazing, Hatch old boy, you're the cunning genius alright to squeeze until the pus splatters on the mirror because you are still the sole Survivor, cackle cackle cackle..." Hatch mocks Shii Devil and Jabba's idea of "helping", which consists of making useless lists and probably taking sniffs from the bong Lex somehow smuggled in.

Shii Devil is now telling the two guys the marvelous ideas she and Jabba come up with: a hammock, a rope ladder, some pulley system, and a darling coconut phone. All that is missing is the talking bespectacled gorilla from that George Of The Jungle movie, but I'm sure Shii Devil and Jabba are certain that the two men will find one somewhere, somehow. Shii Devil is disappointed when the men rightfully ignored her suggestions. Meanwhile, Lex talks about how important a sound structure is because they have to accommodate "a 250-pound shark-catching gay fisherman". Lex emphasises the "gay" part of his sentence, in case the world doesn't get it. Gay is funny, see? What's even funnier is seeing men like Lex making fun of that gay gay GAY man in their tribe when he and Colby's interactions (rubbing wood, with Colby saying "It's getting hotter!", while their foreheads are nearly touching, for example) are currently the most gay thing on the show. And of course, there're all those fun Colby and Probby jokes floating around everywhere. Gay jokes? Lex is one of the main course on the politically incorrect ha-ha buffet. Eat up, folks! You too, Lex.

Jenna lies on the shelter floor and says to the camera about how other people don't have "a constant issue" back home like she does. She wonders whether her mother could die when she is out here because her mother has been ill for a long time now. Meanwhile, the Ego treehouse of love is finished and the tribe likes what they see.

Night falls over Camp Sobroken, where the four idiots are still at work, digging into the beach. Jerri wonders at the idiocy of sawing and nailing in pitch-black darkness where they can't see a single thing. Ethanol calls Hagrid's Hole In The Ground plan "ambitious", because stupid fools like Ethanol and Hagrid won't recognize idiocy when it hits them in the face. It's always "ambitious" to them because their ambition is to keep trying at doing stupid things until a miracle happens and they finally get to complete the impossibly stupid task they set out for themselves. And when they do, they are the greatest home-rehab teen-counselors and soccer players in the world. Hagrid is digging and digging and digging, looking like a man deranged that he probably is anyway. And then... thunk! He hits a huge tree trunk that he can't move out of the way. "My God, I could not believe the stupidity!" Jerri fumes to the camera. Only Hagrid, I tell you, can make Jerri look sane, wise, and smart. "I have a hard time just sitting back and listening to a bunch of people say it's too much work, it can't get done everybody's saying they can't do it," Hagrid fumes at the camera. Ethanol wonders about when they will get to sleep, Hagrid snaps at him, and Hagrid keeps digging away while the others put down their tools and look around helplessly. Jerri laments to the camera about the sorry state of the tribe and concludes by saying that Hagrid has gone mad.

Morning, day eight. Probby makes an appearance in a boat, where he introduces Raffa, the local construction expert that will judge each tribe's shelter. Their first stop is Camp Ego Ego, where the Egos are standing by in artful pose to show off their My Big Fat Gay Fisherman's Treehouse of Love. Raffa is one cool guy as he does what I secretly long to do. He grabs hold of anything he can get his hands on - be it pillars, windowpanes, anything - and rattles and shakes it so hard that the building noticeably shakes on its foundations. Colby tells the camera that he feels distressed about Raffa's actions as they'd love to have a standing shelter they can sleep in at the end of the day. Back at the tribe, he and Probby exchange a lingering smile as Raffa goes about his work. Nope, nothing remotely gay about that long and soulful look, no siree. Still, the building stands firm, Raffa approves, and the Egos applaud themselves for a job well done. Colby butchers that "mi casa" phrase upon which Probby beams in approval although he tells Probby that Raffa is "past" bribery. (Translation: don't try anything fishy with Raffa, Colby, Probby has his eye on you!) Nope, not even a little gay, that exchange.

Cheapora is the next stop. The Cheapos jump to their feet like idle schoolkids hearing the teachers coming around the corner and the Robfather plays the real estate agent trying to sell Raffa the house. Raffa shakes and rattles the place and he approves when he realizes that the shelter structure is very solid - he can barely get a squeak of protest out of the abused shelter. He isn't too fond of the swing, but he also approves of the simple but nicely done rock garden and that quaint checkerboard thingie the Cheapos have also built to complement the shelter.

The train wreck that is Sobroken is next and this is really funny. Raffa looks as if he's just stepped knee-deep into fresh cow dung when he first sees the Hovel In The Ground. I've seen makeshift war trenches that look better than that... thing. The other three Brokeheads can barely conceal their guffaws as Hagrid tries to sell Raffa what is essentially the ugliest hovel in the world. The interior of the hovel is dank and desolate, with the trunk turned into a foot rest, as Hagrid tries to claim. There is a single "table" to light up the place, if by "table" one means "the locked treasure box dragged to be dumped in the middle of the room". I especially love how Hagrid tells Raffa that the roof is designed to let "water and stuff" through in response to Raffa's pointing out that the roof is barely attached to the shelter. I have always wondered what it's like to live in a swimming pool. Raffa rattles the place and bits and pieces actually fall down. Hagrid fumes to the camera because Raffa is shaking parts of the shelter that are loose. He makes it sound as if Raffa is deliberately shaking the loose parts just to spite Hagrid which is just in character with Hagrid's tendency to blame all his inadequacies on the world being out to get him because he was some fat kid in high school. Raffa ignores Hagrid and walks away, leaving Hagrid to throw his hands up in the air. Probby tells the Brokeheads that Raffa will make his judgment and the winning tribe will receive the goodies dropped from a helicopter. The runner-up will receive the second clue to the location of the second key to their chest. The winners will also get a clue along with the main prize.

Away from the Brokehead's earshot, but just within their sight because Probby is so evil that way, Raffa shakes his head and condemns every bit about the shelter. Jerri will feel some vindication when Raffa points out that the shelter will be flooded the moment the tide sweeps in. The Brokeheads see Raffa shaking their heads while they are huddled like miserable gits in the Hovel In The Ground and realizes that things aren't looking up for them. Look up, Brokeheads - the roof is falling down!

On the boat, Raffa has made his decision and Probby calls the cute helicopter guy to take to the air and drop the prize down to the winning tribe. Over at Sobroken, Hagrid pleads for the helicopter to drop something. How cute if a pelican drops something on his head there and then. Anyway, the helicopter flies away and Hagrid sighs. He tells the others he is sorry and Jerri says graciously that tomorrow is all that matters. Of course, he's oblivious at how badly he treated Jerri especially. I am also starting to wonder whether Hagrid's helping the Morgons move the shelter away from the sea in Pearl Islands during the time when Morgon won Hagrid in the Immunity Challenge in Episode Five is actually accurate. The Feuhrer said in post-boot interviews that Hagrid wasn't the guy that came up with the idea of moving the shelter away from the sea - the Morgons wanted to move it all along and they were not imbeciles waiting for Hagrid to come over and teach them all about survival. Even considering the Feuhrer's tendency to rewrite history, I am starting to believe him. The Hagrid that was edited as wise on Pearl Islands will never suggest the Hovel In The Hole idea. So a big screw you, Burnetto, for editing a big bully and a dumb idiot jerk to be some sort of hero in Pearl Islands.

After some confusion between the Egos and the Cheapos as to which tribe the helicopter is dropping the prize to, it turns out that the Cheapos are the winner for this Reward Challenge. A disappointed Lex says that the Cheapos' shelter has better be a damned mansion. He has no idea how close he is to the truth. Big Red Tom does some crazy dance, Alicia declares that this victory is the "pinnacle" of the tribe, and everyone cheers. There's some alcohol among the loot and everyone gets drunk and happy.

Over at Ego Ego, Hatch retrieves their clue for the second key from their usual tree-mail spot. Hatch says that oh well, the clue to the rice is so much more important anyway. You think? He said that he didn't care about rice and the treasure hunt last episode. Oops, I think someone is getting his own thoughts all mixed up.

The Cheapos are getting drunk. Sue doesn't drink though, prompting Tom to say that Sue's announcing that she doesn't drink is the best thing he has heard her say. Okay, that's enough, Tom, you're really getting annoying there. Alicia, the Robfather, and Ambore then snuggle up, with Robfather in the middle looking like some satisfied pimp while the two women cuddle up at each side - he's definitely the man, eh? And I think Alicia must be really feeling cold, or at least her top is cold, if you know what I mean. Ambore tells the Robfather to kiss her before his breath gets worse. The Robfather enjoys the "flirtation", as he calls it, but concludes in his confessional that there can only be one winner in this game. Take note - that may be one of the many potential foreshadowings on this show. A Robfather and Ambore Final Two perhaps? We'll see.

Night falls and a bad thunderstorm hits. Ouch.

Morning, day nine. Things aren't so good in Camp Ego Ego as their shelter aren't as sturdy as they thought. Lex holds Shii Devil and Jabba at each side as the wee helpless damsels cling to his manly warm over-tattooed body for comfort. Lex tells the camera that the "queen of storms" hit last night, damaging their shelter. They have no clothes that can keep them warm so everyone is freezing and miserable. Crazy Kathy shooes the two helpless damsels back to the shelter where she says is warmer. Jabba stuns them all when she announces then that she is going to walk away from this show. Explaining the situation back home about her mother, she says that she will not be able to forgive herself should something happen to her mother while she is away.

In her confessional, Kathy explains that Jabba's mother is currently in some "cancer rehab home" and she feels that Jabba shouldn't have come here. Meanwhile, the so-not-gay couple of Lex and Colby discuss this momentous decision of Jenna. "Life is so short. You blink and you're gone," the insightful Lex tells Colby. Colby isn't shown answering, "Dude, that's so deep!" but I can easily imagine him saying that, heh. In his confessional, Colby says that until now, Ego Ego has not lost any challenge because everyone is contributing. I guess he doesn't want Jabba to go? Meanwhile, Kathy calls for a pow-wow where everyone listens to her as she tells Jabba not to let her downcast emotions become the "cancer on the tribe". I would be annoyed at this poor and insensitive choice of words if this scene isn't so obviously inserted out of sequence. Burnetto wants me to hate Kathy for some reason, hmm.

It is now time for the Immunity Challenge. The set-up looks like some... block building, I guess. But we'll never know as after some inane chit-chat about bug bites, Jabba breaks down and announces that she needs to go home to be with her mother. Probby asks her whether she has any news from home about her mother and she says she hasn't, she just has a "feeling" that something is wrong. I think that's a lie. I don't think Burnetto is so callous as to keep Jabba in the dark about her mother's detoriating health. Jabba says that she has a "feeling" whispering in her ear about this, a feeling that I suspect comes from Burnetto or even Probby. She says that she shouldn't have come - she thought she could do this and her mother wanted her to, but now she realizes that she is wrong.

Probby decides to ask the others what they think about Jabba's wanting to leave. Alicia immediately says that "some people" shouldn't be here and she wouldn't have come here if her mother is ill. Kathy or Shii Devil, I'm not sure, is heard defending Jabba by telling Alicia that Jabba has already admitted that she made a mistake in coming here. Ambore cries and hugs Jabba. Probby asks Jabba whether the harsh living conditions here have anything to do with her decision to leave. She denies that, saying that her mother is the sole reason for her wanting to quit. "I need to be there, sitting by her bed, whether she's awake or not," she announces. The Robfather, when asked, says, "I don't think it's right to even question her motives. We don't know what she's thinking, or how she's feeling. I'm not one to get emotional, and I know inside right now, I feel butterflies, so I say we just support her decision and go from here." Heh, he feels butterflies. But aww, that's a nice thing to say, the Robfather.

Hagrid? "I feel bad for her, but you know, to quit..." He lets his voice trail as he shakes his head like a scolding schoolteacher. Hagrid, shut the f**k up, asshole. You have no right to judge Jabba and to imply that she's a quitter - screw up, you self-important useless piece of lard. Big Red Tom? "Before I left, I told my family I made a commitment. I was coming here, not staying home. If they all got killed in a car wreck, don't call me. I'll be there after it's over. Now, I made that decision for Big Tom and a lot of people are different than Big Tom." Not only does he expect his dead family to call him when they're dead, he... oh never mind. At least he's not calling someone a quitter like some useless piece of dung.

After some empty chatter, Probby asks Jabba whether she can stick around for some symbolic Tribal Council. She says that she cannot wait that long. So Probby calls out to the boat that has been conveniently waiting nearby (if this whole scene isn't staged, maybe the boat driver has "feelings" too). And Jabba leaves as the Aria of Blatant Moments Of Despair swell. The screen fades to black, upon with a sentence appears to tell me that Jabba's mother passed away eight days after Jabba's return. And then there's a gauzy shot of Jabba like some heroine in bad sentimental TV movies, before Kathy comes on to talk about how this incident involving Jabba reminds the Survivors that there is more to the game than just a game. Or something.

While I think Jabba did the right thing by leaving (I also feel that she shouldn't be here, but like I always say, what's done is done and Jabba tries to rectify that mistake at the very least), I wish Burnetto hasn't tried too hard to milk Jabba's personal problems to create some bad "feeling" TV movie. He's not kind to Jabba this way, because one can easily argue that Jabba quitted because she couldn't take it and the mother is just an excuse. It's not a nice thing to say, but come on, there are some of you that entertain such notions, right, especially after Jabba's performance on Amazon? If Burnetto has openly come out and reveal that he has told Jabba of her mother's detoriating condition, the audience will think better of her. Jabba just isn't a typical Sally Sweet Hallmark heroine material - she was a selfish and spoiled primadonna whose victory in Amazon was much ridiculed and this image of hers stay in the minds of many viewers. By exploiting Jabba for some touchy-feely drama crap, he has done Jabba a great disservice. Still, apart from this ill-advised attempt at grabbing some Emmies, the rest of the episode is well-done and entertaining.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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