SURVIVOR

All-Stars Episode 13: A Chapera Surprise

Previously, the Shii Devil manages to win the Limited Tool necklace when her boot is imminent. However, while Burnetto and the Shii Devil try so hard to pass this victory off as something like a crippled dying girl winning the Olympics (read: something so courageous and valiant it's worthy of its own Hallmark mini-series), actually it's more like an unwanted guest barricading herself in the dining room to stop the hosts from forcibly dragging her out and throwing her onto the streets. Having burned all her bridges with her own ineptness, this week she'll have to do some major scrambling to remain in the game. The odds? When pigs fly.

And now, credits. The season is almost over. Has it ever started for you?

Morning, day thirty-one. JennaLoo says that it is a nice day to be out. The Shii Devil tends the fires and gives a confessional, where she says that today is the first time that the Cheap Broken Egos encounter some pleasant weather around the camp but she is so blue because she has no friends around the camp. Boo hoo hoo, it's so unpleasant and horrible! And indeed, the poor Shii Devil goes around working on chopping things and gathering stuff alone, ocstracized by the other Cheap Broken Egos. I may feel sorry for her if she hasn't brought this situation onto herself.

JennaLoo tells the Shii Devil that the Shii Devil will have to cook the plantains that she has collected herself because JennaLoo is not having any of those and hence not cooking for the Shii Devil. Instead, she's preparing grilled coconuts for breakfast. The Shii Devil tells the camera that she's sick of JennaLoo because, er, JennaLoo refuses to cook for her, I guess. She calls JennaLoo a bossy bitch that barks orders to everybody. JennaLoo is shown telling the Shii Devil to work on the fire the way JennaLoo thinks should be done. The Shii Devil tells the camera that she wants to strangle JennaLoo. Oh stuff it, the two of them. They're both annoying Mouths Making Unpleasant Sounds.

Speaking of Mouths Making Unpleasant Sounds, Hagrid returns from his morning fishing expedition and immediately whines that while he catches fish, there's nobody to offer some help in cleaning the fish. He complains that he is feeling "used and abused" as he cleans a fish, adding that if nobody cleans his fish, he'd damn well clean one himself. He declares that from now on, the fish he catches will be eaten only by himself. Wow, just because no one is falling over his or her ass kissing up to him for catching them fish, he's throwing a hissyfit, and on the thirty-first day of the game too! You know what, I'm tired of pointing out how stupid he is. I'm sick of him. I'm tired of everything about Hagrid, period, so let's just move on.

JennaLoo notices later in camp that Hagrid is eating on a fish but there's no fish to be shared among the Cheap Broken Egos. This is of course the opportunity Hagrid is waiting for to announce that he's annoyed that nobody is crowning him the Most Deserving Winner In Life Ever award so he's no longer sharing the fish he's caught. JennaLoo tells the camera that Hagrid is fishing because he is a big guy while she would be "dashed on the rocks" if she tries to fish in the strong currents. Well, that kind of thinking only feeds into Hagrid's ego and makes him an insufferable asshole, if you ask me. JennaLoo adds that it irritates her that Hagrid decides to fish only for himself. Does that mean that when she cooks, she cooks only for herself instead of for everybody? Oh, I think she should, if only to throw into Hagrid's face that he never offered to cook so he can just stuff it if he wants to eat anything.

By the way, is it too much for him to ask them to clean the fish for him instead of playing pathetic passive-aggressive games like that?

She approaches Hagrid and informs him that she doesn't appreciate what he is doing. He tells her high-handedly that if she wants to fish, she can do it herself. He doesn't add that he will bite off the head of anyone who touches his spear, but I'm sure we all know the way his hot wind blows by now, don't we? JennaLoo tells him that he is fishing because he is the best fisherman they have (she doesn't say that he will bite off the head of anyone who touches the spear to fish for his or herself, but that's how Hagrid's hot wind blows). He brushes her off by asking her how many fish of his that she has cleaned. JennaLoo points out that she has done her share of fish cleaning "a bit". Taken off-guard because he is expecting a long apology, Hagrid snaps back by asking her how many fish the other Cheap Broken Egos have cleaned. JennaLoo tells him that he shouldn't vent his frustration on other people's laziness on people who work, but Hagrid isn't listening. "My little Jenna had the nerve to bitch at me about putting one of my fish on the grill. She's just getting really a pain in the ass, and I'm very sorry that I have an alliance with her," he tells the camera.

How typically Hagrid that he calls someone morally flawed just because this person doesn't agree with him. Using Hagrid's logic, shouldn't Hagrid be banned from sleeping in the shelter, as it is the Robfather that ordered its construction? Let's see how Hagrid does making a shelter for himself (just give him a spade)! The tribe should just give Hagrid a taste of his own medicine by cooking for everyone except Hagrid and let's see how he like the taste of those apples. Then again, knowing him, he'll just throw a temper tantrum and call everybody lazy.

Hagrid tells everyone in camp that JennaLoo scolded him for cleaning a fish. That isn't what really took place, but Hagrid can't see anything beyond his own nose so I shouldn't expect anything more. The Shii Devil of course tells him that she understands him perfectly and agrees that people really shouldn't share what they don't feel like sharing, never mind that she will die if people stop sharing food, shelter, and water with this lazy woman. She reassures him that he is in the right and hence has nothing to feel guilty about. Hagrid and the Shii Devil discussing other people's morals and work ethics is like blind men in a glasshouse hurling bricks at the wall.

Because Hagrid throws a temper tantrum and acts like a spoiled brat, and because she has spoken to him, the Shii Devil now believes that the tribe dynamics are changing, as she tells the camera, and she still has "some tricks" up her sleeve so people shouldn't count her out. Yes, one meaningless reassurance of a spoiled brat and now she thinks she has everything in the bag. Stupid needs a broader definition to accommodate the size of the Shii Devil's head.

Thankfully, here ends one of the most unpleasant acts of this show and it's now time for the Reward Challenge. Jeff "Tuna Ham Sandwich" Proboscis welcomes the Cheap Broken Egos to the clearing which is the site for today's Challenge. This time, he will reveal the reward to them first. He brings in Ambore's mother Cheryl. No, she's not your reward, Big Red Tom, so settle down! JennaLoo is as excited and thrilled as Ambore, and they both go "Eeeee!" and cover their mouths at the same time. How creepy. The Robbrother comes out next, and he tells the Robfather that the Robfather has lost weight but the Robbrother will catch up as he is on the South Beach Diet himself. How cute. And how... um, cute when those two guys nearly kiss in the mouth until they realize that people are watching and the Robfather settle for a peck on the cheek instead.

The Shii Devil and her mother Lily embrace as the Shii Devil cries loudly. Bucky Bo comes out to greet his dad Big Red Tom and my, he looks cuter than he did on the video. Just think of a beefier Dr Dave of Amazon after boot camp with a tattoo. Or if it'll be any easier, just think "barnyard stud service". JennaLoo's even cuter brother Jai comes out and reassures her that all is good back home even as she squeals and jumps up and down while hugging him tight.

Probby pretends to forget Hagrid's wife, but JennaLoo remembers, which makes her a better person than me since Hagrid has been nasty to her all morning, and Probby brings out Hagrid's wife Laura. They then kiss, tongue, hump each other, and totally gross me out for ten minutes. Since this is Hagrid, I won't be surprised if he's just humping his wife just to show off to the others about how Morally and Carnally Superior he is compared to the others. Incidentally, JennaLoo, the person Hagrid regrets making an alliance with, is the only person cheering Hagrid on as he dry-humps his wife. She is really too good for him.

The Challenge involves gross food, but just as in Thailand, it is the Loved Ones that will participate in the Challenge. The gross food meals will be made up of dishes used in such challenges in previous seasons. The winner will get to go away overnight with the Cheap Broken Ego he or she is playing for. Probby says that winning this Challenge will "refill your tank" in preparation of upcoming days. Maybe I shouldn't read too much into the knowing smile the Robfather gives Ambore.

The first course is fried fish head which Probby claims to be a favorite dish of Malaysians. That's a lie. Malaysians enjoy steamed fish head served in curry and coconut milk. Get your facts straight, Probby. You're confusing fried fish head with fried pig intestines. Not that I like eating those porcine intestines, mind you. Cheryl flubs this one and she cries as she says goodbye to Ambore. Ambore tells her fondly that at least Cheryl doesn't have to eat anymore gross food.

Next up on the menu are live cockroaches, which Jai and Bucky Bo devour as if they are M&Ms. Eh. Lily can't finish her meal in time so she and the Shii Devil say their goodbyes before Lily takes her leave.

The Robfather should remember the next dish - fafaru, which he eats and later vomits up and still manages to look sexy while puking back in Marquesas. Oh I'll shut up now. The Robfather grins and calls out to the Robbrother not to smell that thing or he'll throw up. Unfortunately, the Loved Ones have to eat this one with their hands behind their backs - the better to smell the fafaru with, my dears - and finally, Laura can kiss Hagrid but there are limits to the things she can endure so she's out. Hagrid will have to hump a rock now.

Yay, fried tarantulas now. Alas, Jai takes a drink midway through his gourmet meal and Probby disqualifies him. Jai protests, but Probby repeats that he specifies that one can only drink water after one has finished the meal. Actually, what he said earlier is this: "You need to show me an empty mouth. Once I say okay, you're good. You can take a drink of water after that. Everything's got to go down." If you ask me, he doesn't actually say that you cannot drink before you've gotten everything down - you can drink after that but there's nowhere that he said you cannot drink under any other circumstances. Or maybe I'm just bitter that I can't see Jai shirtless now. Bucky Bo pipes up that he heard Probby said that Jai can't drink water while eating. Shut up, Bucky Bo, or I'll sic a herd of angry hippos on you.

Finally, live grubs. Bucky Bo as usual devours everything in his path with glee while the Robbrother chokes and flails around. The Robbrother calls Bucky Bo a sick person and leaves the clearing. Big Red Tom and his Terminator-Eater son are winners for this Challenge. Come on, people, show a little enthusiasm here! People? Hello? Anyone?

Probby tells Big Red Tom that he can choose a fellow Cheap Broken Ego and this person's Loved One to join him and Bucky Bo in the getaway. JennaLoo calls out at him to take Hagrid and Ambore nods to that. Why? What's so freaking special about Hagrid? He can hump his wife anywhere as long as he does it after the show is over. Big Red Tom has a heart for TV viewers everywhere however and he chooses the Robfather and the Robbrother to join him for an All-Manly Nitwits Getaway. All four men hug and cheer and Probby wryly speculates that the getaway is going to be "fun".

Hagrid looks sullen while watching from the sidelines. How dare Tom doesn't choose him? Doesn't Tom know who Hagrid is? Hagrid is the King of Fishermen, the Most Noble of Human Beings! Tom must be one of those kids that bully Hagrid when he was a fat kid in school. Hagrid hates this! Hate!

The getaway turns out to be at the old Cheapora camp. Boy, they should be glad that the Robfather built such a great shelter or they'll all be huddled up in Hagrid's Hovel In The Hole. There's plenty of beer and even pizza to go around, so the boys relax and settle down for an all-manly evening, which consists of them lounging around shirtless with a can of beer in one hand. This goes to show that men's idea of a great evening out will always be a shirtless oaf plopped on a seat with a beer can in hand, be it in front of the TV at home or in a distant island in Panama. Tom likes meeting his son but he tells the TV, "I wish it had been his mother or my neighbor's sister after I seen what a romantic setting it was." I hope both his neighbor and his wife aren't watching him say this. My hubby hopes that Tom's mother's only sibling isn't living next door to Tom. Why didn't Tom choose Hagrid? He explains, "I never seen a man slobber over a woman like he did his wife. There were slobbers hanging down in his beard!" That's Tom. He wants to sleep with his neighbor's sister but there are boundaries even for him where bad tastes are concerned.

The Robfather asks Big Red Tom what Tom thinks the other Cheap Broken Egos are up to. Tom speculates that Ambore is "getting high on life or getting low on the ground" - Ambore is actually sunbathing - Hagrid is "kissing the tip of his spear" - Hagrid is fishing - JennaLoo is "running that mouth like a bell clapper" and the Shii Devil is "trying to make an alliance with a bush, 'cause she's tried everybody else." Bwahahaha! You know, the Big Red Tom Show may not be that bad after all, I am starting to suspect, barring one or two moments where I have to pinch my nostrils tightly.

Night falls at what is turning out to be a very unexciting getaway, with the Robbrother and Bucky Bo bonding over a drunken rendition of Swing Low, Sweet Chariot as they put the Cheapora swing to use. I'm not making that up. The Robfather tells the camera that they have a great party and everyone is drunk. I don't know about the party but I can believe that part about everyone being drunk. Finally, the party breaks up and the family units get together to discuss strategy. Big Red Tom tells his son that he is banking his strategy on convincing the Robfather and Ambore to take him to the Final Three. Yes, Tom, that strategy worked well for you back in Africa... eh, wait a minute. The Robfather tells the Robbrother that his primary alliance is with Ambore. He relates Lex's dumbass move to keep Ambore over Jerri Mantis to the Robbrother and the Robbrother can't believe how stupid Lex is. Yes, I can't believe it either.

Meanwhile, Tom tells Bucky Bo that the Robfather and he have a Final Two deal. They actually have such a deal? Hmm, does Ambore know about this? Maybe she doesn't have to, because the Robfather tells his brother that he's committed to an alliance with Ambore even when the Robbrother tries to caution him about putting too much faith into Ambore. He however doesn't think that he can trust Tom as much as he can trust Ambore. How interesting that the Robfather starts out playing this Mastermind card only to end up coming off like a lovestruck fool who is slowly forsaking caution in favor of more foolhardy emotions. I don't know if he's slowly being edited to be a gracious loser who does the right thing for love, a pathetic cuckold, or a winner who wins for all the "right" reasons. I guess I'll find out eventually.

Morning, day thirty-two. JennaLoo and Hagrid welcome the four men as their boat dumps them back to the Cheap Broken Ego camp. Hagrid is particularly excited that the Robbrother and Bucky Bo are set to work when those two reach the camp, because brute strength is Hagrid's favorite - he doesn't have to think and hence he doesn't feel stupid then. Big Red Tom tells the camera that he is proud of Bucky Bo because Bucky Bo knows the meaning of hard work, unlike the Robbrother and the Robfather who don't seem to work as much. Hagrid tells the camera that he is taking Bucky Bo fishing, crowing in delight while trying to come off as condescending when Bucky Bo loses the tip of his spear ala Shawn in Pearl Islands. Hagrid is especially happy now that he can call the remaining spear his (oh, says who?) and he now believes that the tribe must keep him if they want to keep eating fish. Yes, tell that to the Pearl Island Bobos who booted his ass off anyway because the taste of dough is much better than the taste of fish.

The Robfather calls the two hillybillies Tom and Bo "dumbasses". While people who call Tom and Bo dumbasses on online forums take offense at the Robfather doing it on TV, I think the Robfather is saying things as he sees it. Come on, those two are dumbasses. As the two Loved Ones get ready to depart, the Robbrother speculates to the camera that with only five days left, some crazy scrambling and strategizing will be going around. Bucky Bo thinks that his father will fight to the end as long as Tom can walk. That must be a warning to that neighbor who is right now loading his bullets into his gun. The Robfather and Big Red Tom then wave and call goodbye as the boat takes the Loved Ones away from them.

Later that morning, the tribe receives tree-mail, which comes with a bucket. "You think this is a bucket of fun?" the note goes, "Build a fire, then go for a run! First with a flame in the sky, will be safe for the vote and someone else's goodbye!" Whoever wrote that should really be embarrassed because that is really bad even for a tree-mail. The Shii Devil says that she's still a "huge target", as opposed to being a free-for-all dartboard, and speculates that she "might" leave tonight if she doesn't win Immunity. Oh yes, she might. She's quite a perceptive woman, isn't she?

The Challenge involves each Cheap Broken Ego starting a fire in a container, then filling a bucket that has a hole with water so that the weight of the bucket will help the container at the other end of the see-saw contraption to move up and light a fuse and ignite a wok located at the top of the contraption. The drawback here is that each person has a limited number of matches to work with. How many, it's never made clear. But once the person is out of matches and he or she still hasn't cleared this Challenge, this person is out of the game.

Hagrid and Tom get their fires started first, with the Robfather close behind. Soon they are rushing to fill their buckets with water. The Shii Devil prefers to work on her fire to make sure that the fire will burn strongly. It's not a bad strategy, as it soon shows. The Robfather gets his fire airborne first, but the fire dies out before it manages to light the wok. Oops. Worse, he's out of matches so he's out. He throws a mini-tantrum; poor guy really wants the Immunity badly. Ambore is soon out of matches despite never actually getting anything done. Hagrid and JennaLoo are without matches as well. This leaves Big Red Tom and the Shii Devil battling it out for the Limited Tool necklace. In the end, the Shii Devil is too slow and Big Red Tom beats her to the Limited Tool necklace. He wins Immunity! Big Red Tom begins to dance his happy dance of jiggly bellies and bouncing saggy manboobs. This really has been the Big Red Tom Show tonight.

Back at Camp, things aren't as glum as expected as everyone knows who is leaving tonight. The Shii Devil however digs herself deeper in her delusions as she tells the camera of how the others need her as a swing vote. Big Red Tom is the swing vote, actually - they don't need the Shii Devil. She's just shark food. She goes to Big Red Tom to ask him to suggest to Ambore and the Robfather that JennaLoo leaves tonight. Why JennaLoo? Because the Shii Devil doesn't like her, of course. If the Shii Devil is thinking, she'd be working her best to get Tom, JennaLoo, and Hagrid together to boot either Ambore or the Robfather. But noooo, let's boot JennaLoo because the Shii Devil can't stand her. Stupid woman. Stupid player.

Big Red Tom tells her that he doesn't mind seeing JennaLoo leave, but he can't do anything to help the Shii Devil here. He doesn't say that he doesn't see the need to even listen to the Shii Devil, but he's polite that way. To the camera, he says that he's actually worried about JennaLoo usurpring his place in the Final Three alliance with Ambore and the Robfather. I don't understand why he like everyone else banks all his eggs on the baskets of Ambore and the Robfather. Do these two have incriminating photos of the other Cheap Broken Egos or something to get the others to so happily give them a guaranteed spot in the Final Three?

The Shii Devil tells Hagrid that Tom has agreed to vote out JennaLoo. I wonder what she will say when those two men compare notes and realize that she's lying. It can happen, after all. Hagrid steals a line from Big Sandra from Pearl Islands by saying that he hates JennaLoo (because she doesn't nod her head to everything he says) but he doesn't care who goes as long as it isn't him. It's sad when the only strategic thing this oaf says all season is stolen from from the winner of a previous season. Hagrid says that he will go along with the JennaLoo boot provided that the Shii Devil can get everyone else, especially the Robfather and Ambore, to go along with it.

Stumped at all avenues, nonetheless the Shii Devil insists to the camera that she is trying to get some alliances off the ground because she feels that the tribe is ready to turn on one another. Has she been actually paying attention to the reception her "offers" are receiving from Tom and Hagrid? They are far from ready to commit themselves to her, especially when her "strategy" is to eliminate JennaLoo, an elimination that will not benefit everyone else, strategy-wise, in the long run.

Ambore is making the Shii Devil's hair pretty while the Shii Devil tells Ambore that everyone should vote JennaLoo off because Big Red Tom agreed to do so as he hates her. Ambore also hesitates to commit herself - she needs Big Red Tom to approach her personally. And because Big Red Tom never agreed to vote JennaLoo off, the Shii Devil runs into a dead end with Ambore as well.

Ambore tells the camera that she is willing to go along with the JennaLoo boot because she's in All-Stars and this game is "hardcore"... or something. I'm sure she has something to say amidst the vapid stream of consciousness flowing from her mouth. I'm sure. JennaLoo comes up and sits next to these two women and the Shii Devil quickly says that they are discussing what they all want to eat to celebrate the Shii Devil's booting. JennaLoo isn't entirely convinced. She tells the camera that she is very, very annoyed with the Shii Devil. "She opens her mouth and I feel like putting a gun in mine," she says. That's actually quite funny, I find.

The Shii Devil now tells the Robfather that booting JennaLoo will be wise as it will break up the Hagrid-JennaLoo alliance. He agrees, but points out that he has solid deals with those two, leaving unsaid the implication that he has no good reason to jettison his deals with them in favor of a deal with a canon fodder. She warns him that the Tribal Council would be interesting because she will reveal some "secrets". Like what? The Hagrid-JennaLoo alliance? The Robfather-Ambore alliance? Are these alliances still "secret" anymore?

Night, Tribal Council. The Cheap Broken Egos take a seat before Probby and Lex then walks in, followed by his Mohawk, then Crazy Kathy, and finally Alicia. Probby then gets them to talk about hard work, which is exactly the kind of nonsensical BS losers like Lex, Hagrid, and Kathy use to make themselves feel good despite crashing badly at the game. Then they talk about paranoia in camp which everyone agrees is on the rise. Hagrid as usual gives the most stilted and pompous but utterly banal answers, such as "Paranoia at times started to rip our tribe apart!" Hagrid justifies his actions with the fish as "stepping up and saying 'Mine'", which in the normal world translates to "being a ragingly childish asshole".

And now the Shii Devil decides to speak up. First, she accuses JennaLoo of being the instigator of the whole Fishgate non-scandal, calling JennaLoo a bossy tarmagant who wants things done her way and only her way while monitoring the food. JennaLoo should let Hagrid eat all the fish he wants, the Shii Devil proclaims. Um, yes, if everyone follows her philosophy, she'll be dead by now because then there'll be no leftovers for her to eat. Hagrid has a triumphant expression because the Shii Devil is such a wise woman (translation: she agrees with him).

Then the daring woman exposes the darkest secrets of the tribe. Gee, do you know that Ambore and the Robfather have an alliance? How shocking! Ohmigod, JennaLoo and Hagrid in an alliance? Shock! She doesn't understand why none of these two alliances want to take her and Big Red Tom as swing votes. Well, they want to take Big Red Tom, the thing here is that they don't want the Shii Devil, period, because they don't need her. "You got everything out?" Probby asks her. He doesn't sound too rivetted by her daring revelations either. No, she declares. She now says that she is not sure of whether she wants to vote for the person that annoy her the most or the person that she is sure would win to "out" this person to the tribe. Yes, the tribe really cares about what the Shii Devil thinks, I'm sure. "By making that vote, I will be making a statement," she says after announcing that she'll vote for whom she thinks will win this stint. What statement? "I am a pompous ass who overestimates my intelligence"?

Probby asks Big Red Tom whether he wants to give up his Immunity. "That's the ignorantest (sic) thing that's been said here tonight," he tells Probby, "uh, no offense." Heh heh heh. It's now time to cut the BS and vote.

The Robfather and Big Red Tom give their collective middle fingers to the Shii Devil.

JennaLoo - the Shii Devil. "And if you're wondering if you can eat and how much you can, because you think that I monitor that? Eat a lot, Shii Ann. Eat a lot." You go, JennaLoo!

Hagrid and Ambore vote for the Shii Devil.

The Shii Devil - Ambore. "This vote is for you, out of respect. You are the mastermind right now, so from one Shii Devil to another, this is the vote I'm casting tonight." Uh, right. Okay. Whatever, Miz Shii Devil. Be off with you.

Probby tallies the votes and reads them aloud. Bye, Shii Devil! She has made herself utterly, indescribably obnoxious these last few episodes and I am glad to see the last of her. Probby tells the others to reflect on the Shii Devil's words - ha ha ha - and sends them away.

Next week: Hagrid and Tom fight and the Robfather causes trouble in paradise. Yay!

The Shii Devil's final words see her saying that she wants to warn others of Ambore and... uh... whatever. I've had enough of her empty-vessel arrogance. Let's just move on.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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