SURVIVOR

All-Stars Episode 4: Wipe Out!

Previously, Jabba inadvertently starred in Burnetto's Cancer of the Week TV movie and the result - she, the episode, and her post-show interviews - really isn't that good. This week, it's back to business. Yeah, it's life, like, dude, life is so deep and all that, but it's back to cutthroat business this week in the Pearl Islands as the remaining All-"Stars" Survivors battle it out for the million dollar prize.

Credits. Shut that horrible music up, please. Oh well, when Burnetto has to pay more money to the imbeciles of ASSes, I guess he has to cut costs somewhere else.

Day nine, nighttime after Jabba's departure. So moved by Burnetto's Orchestral Wailing Of Lamentable Hopes (Fly, Jabba, Fly) soundtrack to Jabba's departure, the sky begins to weep, and I do mean weep as the storm of all storms break, flooding Camp Cheapora until Big Red Tom has to stand up and dramatically send a mayday cry because they need a boat. Alicia complains to her tribemates that they are living in a river. She tells the camera that she is amazed that when she was told that it was now "rainy season" in Panama, she isn't expecting, er, such heavy rain. Boy, it must come as a surprise to her, this storm. Ambore tells the camera that the booty they won in the last Reward Challenge (tarps, blankets, et cetera) are used to reinforce their shelter. The Robfather says in his confessional that some water manage to get into the shelter, he still manages to sleep well.

Well, I can see why as he and Ambore are shown cuddling in the night. "Oh, you're so warm!" Ambore gasps as roaming hands begin to play. Give me a break, you silly twit. Those two apparently don't care that their grandmothers are watching them as they caress and rub against each other. Eeeuw, gross. Big Red Tom tells the camera that some people will seize any opportunity to get romantic. Oh, that is what he calls romantic - sucking lips, licking unwashed teeth, rubbing dirty skin against dirty skin, inhaling stinky breath, ouch, it brings a tear to my eye, the romanticism of it all, I tell you. Rat Boy says in his confessional that Ambore and Rat Boy are definitely going to "do it" as they already have the mat and pillows, and he wishes them all the luck. Good luck, you two, on "doing it", because I'm sure Rat Boy and Big Red Tom are going to be leering at them from the shadows as they get down to business. I hope Rat Boy and Big Red Tom don't ruin the romantic mood too much.

Over at Camp Sobroken, the idiots are really suffering now as Hagrid's chi-chi Hovel In The Sand predictably turns into a swimming pool like Jerri and Raffa predicted last episode. Ethanol and JennaLoo are huddling together - my, aren't we all so gruesome twosome today? - while Jerri has curled herself into a ball and she is shivering pathetically. Hagrid walks around the camp and says that the camp is destroyed because of his folly, which he describes as the most stupid idea he has ever had. While legions of zealous Hagrid fans take the opportunity to declare that this is the Real Hagrid and He Is Redeemed so He Is Going To Win And Represent Disagreeable People With Self-Esteem Issues everywhere, I am still not warming up to him. Not until he apologizes to Jerri, at the very least. He declares that he will build them a shelter "today".

Meanwhile, JennaLoo has left the comforting asshole presence of Ethanol to comfort Jerri as she experiences a major meltdown. Jerri tells the camera that she is so cold, everyone is so cold and has been shivering for up to six hours because Hagrid's Hovel In The Sand took in water the moment the storm broke. She sobs pitifully and says that "it", which I guess refers to the million dollars, is "not worth it", this "it" I guess refers to the suffering she is currently experiencing. See, Hagrid, see? You are a major asshole, and you're not even here to comfort poor Jerri, you piece of bearded slime.

Morning dawns on the scene of disaster that was once Camp Sobroken. Ethanol, Hagrid, and JennaLoo hold hands like the last three survivors in a monster movie as they survey the extent of the damages, which is really extensive as the camera shows. Meanwhile, Jerri is still huddled up and making small whimpering sounds, probably cursing the fact that Hagrid hasn't been washed out with the debris and flotsam of the camp. Hagrid and Ethanol agree that the storm was "insane". No, the storm is sent to torture you fools especially for my delight. Ethanol tells the camera that other than the night where his father died, this is the worst night ever in his life. Hmm, call me nasty if you want, but I find it rather fishy that there seems to be an increase in the number of "dead family members" mentions on this show since Jabba used her tears to win a Reward Challenge in the Amazons and Jonny Fairplay extrapolated that technique into that overrated Big Lie. Stop milking the tragedy thing, Ethanol, this isn't the Oscars where people give you an award only after you had a stroke or after you're dead. JennaLoo asks whether someone will come and rescue them, prompting Ethanol to snap very nastily at her that this is Survivor so of course no one would. This is the first but not last time on the show where he talks in that diva tone to JennaLoo that doesn't deserve his crap. Hagrid and Ethanol should just do everybody a favor and go poke some angry babboons in the eye.

Jerri says in her confessional that she has no idea what the others are doing around her. She is dimly aware of the fact that they are disassembling what's left of the shelter, but she has been so wiped out emotionally by the storm that she has no idea and doesn't care about what the others will do now. Hagrid offers her a drink, which she refuses. Hagrid tells the camera that he needs her to recoup so that they can build the shelter and work on the fire. Hey, shove it, jerk, let the poor woman slowly recover from the ordeal that resulted from your own idiocy. I thought he said earlier that he's going to single-handedly build the shelter himself? I said it last time, and I'll say it again: shut the fork up, jerk, and while you're at it, back off from poor Jerri. She is right all along.

Gee, I never expect to feel so defensive about poor Jerri.

Over at Ego Ego, the storm has also left heavy damages on the My Big Fat Gay Fisherman's Treehouse of Love. Shii Devil describes the storm as an evidence that "Mother Nature is a bitch". Crazy Kathy tries to salvage the best she could from what's left of their camp and says that the Egos manage to retrieve their flint and find some twine to start a fire. Big Gay Hatch soon feels warm enough to go fishing. He brings back some eels, which he holds up to show to the other Egos as he walks naked back to the camp. This prompts Lex Loser and Colby to crack lame jokes about Hatch's "eel". How locker-roomishly juvenile, you two. Just touch it already if it fascinates you that much. I'm sure Hatch and PETA won't mind at all. Lex Loser says that there has to be six pounds of meat. He's referring to the eels they are now eating, in case I didn't make that clear. The eels that Hatch caught, by the way, not that eel. Lex is saving that meal for a happier occasion. Hatch gives a tedious self-congratulatory "They all need me!" confession, which Burnetto amusingly segue into Lex's confessional where Lex says that he can't wait for the tribe to get all three keys to their rice chest. With rice, he explains, Hatch's role as a provider becomes significantly diminished. Heh, heh, heh.

Later that day, Rat Boy collects tree-mail for the Cheapos. Ethanol collects the mail for the Brokeheads, while the joint-at-the-hip "Hell no! We're straight!" Lexy and Colby twosome do the same for the Egos. They all read aloud to their tribemates that the Reward Challenge will be all about give and take, take it all to make some friends happy, be clean, and be pretty. What on earth? Seriously, the person writing those awful lines of "poetry" should be ordered to get an urine test. Rat Boy has some fun by altering some lines to get the other horrified Cheapos to think that they will be eating bugs before reading the actual poetry. Sue even solemnly declares that she will and can eat anything, which after seeing her drink water with "brain parasites" I believe her absolutely. However, when Rat Boys and the rest start laughing when the joke is revealed, Sue, who looks as if they have just announced that Big Red Tom has knocked up her daughter, is not as amused at Rat Boy as the others. Meanwhile, Lex Loser thinks that they are facing some puzzle-based challenge today and nonchalantly suggests that Shii Devil should lead them as she's supposed to be the brainiest of them all. The terrified expression on Shii Devil's face is priceless. I don't think she will last long if Ego Ego has to start trimming itself as she is now practically a deadweight in her tribe.

As Rat Boy guessed correctly when he first read the tree-mail to himself, this Reward Challenge is a variation of the Amazon's toiletry Reward Challenge that led to the Jabba, High D, and Shameless Shawna PSA about checking your breasts for lumps. Probby greets the three tribes in a clearing where boxes are set up, one each for each Survivor. Instead of playing "guess who has the toiletry item that matches yours", the toiletry item is replaced by sponges, seeds, and pieces of flotsam that Burnetto's poor overworked assistant managed to scour the beach earlier today for. Each Survivor has four items in his or her box, and it is up to this Survivor to ask someone he or she believes to have a match for these two four items. The first tribe whose members successfully matched up their four items wins a portable shower device, Herbal Essences shampoo, and lots of nice pretty toiletry to make these people sparkly and clean, as well as a commode. I have rarely seen so many people getting this excited at the sight of a loofah before.

But first, inane chit-chat commences as Probby wants a round-up from each tribe about how they fare after the storm earlier that morning. The Cheapos' shelter manages to hold up well, as it turns out. Hagrid says that his Hovel In The Hole "could have weathered better" - I thought he designed the roof to let rain through so why is he complaining? - while JennaLoo says that the Brokeheads all got showers. The Egos talk about the eels and Hatch's role as a provider, prompting Crazy Kathy to liken Hatch to "King Neptune". And here I always thought Neptune is a god, not a king. Sue pipes up that Hatch's eels must be better this time around as back at Pulau Tiga, Hatch's eels were "all bones". Hatch cackles, saying that he deliberately gave the bony eels to her, which prompts Sue to say, "You have no bone to give me, Richard!" Hatch cackles and says, "That is absolutely true!" It could be funny if I'm not struck by how Hatch is so aware of his punchlines that he is already cackling and anticipating the canned laughter even when he's barely finished uttering that sentence.

Probby calls to a stop to the anatomy jokes before FCC starts calling up Burnetto's office and announces the rules for today's Reward Challenge. The first and second teams will also get the clue to the next key of their rice chest. So far the Egos and the Cheapos have two keys while the Brokeheads have one, by the way. Colby, who once claimed to be good at concentration challenges, sits out for Ego Ego. Rat Boy announces that "Mom and Dad" (Sue Hawk and Big Red Tom - imagine what a sitcom that will make!) are sitting out for Cheapora.

The Robfather peers into his box; he's the first one to kick off the Challenge. "Hey, pretty boy!" he calls out.

What would you know, both Probby and Ethanol immediately turn to look at the Robfather, those two shameless hussies!

"Who's 'pretty boy'?" Ethanol asks, trying to feign modesty at the last minute. Who is he kidding?

"You got a rock in there?" asks the Robfather with a devilish grin.

"You got a couple up here, don't you?" Ethanol answers, pointing to his head. I'm momentarily confused - is he saying that his head has some rocks that belong to the Robfather? Trust this guy to screw up even the most childish come-back. But he doesn't have a rock in his box.

So Hatch, who is next, of course asks the Robfather for his rock as the whole place erupts in giggles and guffaws.

Things get sped up from hereon. Ambore surrenders a sponge to Hagrid, Ambore takes a seed from Crazy Kathy, and Crazy Kathy retaliates by taking a shell from Rat Boy. Ethanol subsequently captures the Shii Devil's coral piece while Rat Boy takes Lex's coral piece. Just when I am starting to think that everyone here has X-ray vision or something, Lex loses his chance at retrieving a feather from JennaLoo (she doesn't have any), and Alicia takes the feather from him. Jerri collects a coconut shell from Hatch and the Robfather is right behind her to collect a driftwood from Hatch. Not that kind of driftwood, in case some of you are wondering. Hagrid collects... oh stuff it, does anybody out there actually care about who gets what? To make a long story short, Ethanol snaps at JennaLoo when she opens her box lid a little too high for his liking, boorishly telling her to just keep the box open all the time. You know what, toss Ethanol, I'm calling him the Supreme Diva from now on. Another less standout but still noteworthy moment comes from the Shii Devil asking Alicia for a feather that Alicia has already paired up with Lex's and surrendered to Probby. Someone isn't paying attention to the game, oops. Anyway, at the end of the Challenge, Alicia scores the final blow to give Cheapora their victory. Sobroken comes in second and Ego Ego third. Sorry, Lex, Hatch will still be the boss of you for at least three more days.

Celebration is in full spring in Cheapora. Big Red Tom, in fact, decides to break into the commode, literally, by wearing it as some sort of ceremonial necklace where his head protrudes from the, um, hole of the commode. To the camera, the Robfather speculates that this may not be the first time that Big Red Tom has his head in the toilet. As the Cheapos clean themselves in the sea, where Alicia is using Big Red Tom's back as a footrest, Ambore and the Robfather are going all kissy-wissy huggy-wuggy as he cleans her back. He voices his concerns over the camera that he fears that the others may get the "wrong idea" about he and Ambore, as if anyone and his blind doggy can't see by now that those two are a solid alliance that must be broken up at once if the other Cheapos value their chances at a million dollars. Sometimes so witty, sometimes so crude, sometime just plain dumb - that's my Robfather.

Cleaned up but by no means more sober, the Cheapos decide that it's time to find the final key to the rice chest. Apparently the third key is buried in a "shallow grave" ten paces away from the tree-mail box. This leads to the Cheapos to bicker over just how big a step should a pace actually be. Big Red Tom has a keen insight he wants to share with the world in his confessional: his pace is different from a midget's pace. I better write that down before I forget. Rat Boy describes the search as "the search for the Holy Grail met the opening of Al Capone's safe". Rat Boy has a bright idea that they have been digging in the wrong direction, so he moves ten paces towards the beach and starts digging. As the others watch him, stumped, he vows that he will dig up the whole stretch of beach if he has to. The Robfather dismisses Rat Boy, comparing him to a kid is "digging up a sandcastle" (what?) as if he's living in "la la land" (huh?). Rat Boy digs and digs - Burnetto's visual imagery is unmistakable - as he hopes to find the key and wins the approval of his tribemates. Unfortunately, the Robfather humiliates him by digging in the opposite direction from that of Rat Boy's and successfully finding the key. As the Cheapos crowd around the Robfather to clap his back and congratulate him, a dejected Rat Boy slinks back to them, weakly pats his hands with Alicia's, and hopes to blend in with the scenery.

They open the chest and not only is there rice but also whiskey. Yay, more drunken antics on this show - how wonderful! Later, as they eat their rice, Big Red Tom says that eating rice is like putting gas in the tank. Between him and the Robfather, the English language suffers a slow and lingering death. Alicia boasts to the camera that Cheapora is unstoppable as she can't see how the other two tribes can beat them as they are so ahead of the others. "I feel sorry for them. Not!" she concludes smugly. As evidenced from the episode editing pattern of previous Survivor seasons, pride always comes before a fall in Burnetto's kingdom, as Alicia will later learn.

Day eleven. Camp Sobroken is under extensive renovation today. Hagrid explains to the camera that they have built a temporary shelter that allows them sleep for a few hours the night before and now they are hard at work at rebuilding the camp which I guess I can safely assume will not be seeing any digging activity anytime soon. Jerri says that she is feeling much better after sleeping last night and says that things for the camp are improving. JennaLoo, she says, is collecting firewood while she herself is fixing the roof for the new shelter. Hagrid is of course fishing. Hmm, I think she's forgotten to mention someone in her tribe. I wonder what Ethanol the Supreme Diva is doing at that moment. Probably trying to flirt with some monkeys ("Do you think I am pretty? So pretty! Very pre-ee-ee-etty!") while picking lice from his crotch, I guess. Jerri says to the camera that she is in a better place now - she sounds as if she's giving herself an eulogy - but the storm really made her feel as if she was really going out of her mind. The Brokeheads eat. Oh, there's the Supreme Diva, just in time for the food. Jerri says to the camera that thinking and looking "far ahead" were the only things that kept her sane.

Now the tribes file into the beach for their Immunity Challenge. They are still going to carry out the Immunity Challenge that was aborted last episode when Jabba wanted to go home. This Challenge is a seeing-eye dog challenge, which this show hasn't had in a while. Each tribe chooses a seeing-eye dog that will direct the other blindfolded tribe members to look for pieces of a puzzle scattered along the beach. The tribe members must collect fifteen pieces and place them within the designated area before the seeing-eye dog. Then they can remove the blindfolds and assemble the pieces to form a giant cube. First and second tribes to do this win the head and the backside of Gaia the sexy Immunity Idol respectively. Hatch guides the Egos because his one-eyed dog is the most talented of them all, Alicia guides the Cheapos because she can always wave her hand and boss everyone around, and Jerri guides the Brokeheads because Colby isn't there to remind people how much she screwed up a similar challenge in the Australian outbacks. Meanwhile, Shii Devil sits out - she always sits out, they may as well leave her behind at their camp the next time around - for Ego Ego while Rat Boy and Ambore sit out for Cheapora.

What ensues next is pure hilarity. I love how Jerri accidentally directs Ethanol the Supreme Diva to smack the puzzle piece he is carrying right at Colby's head. Take that, Colby, for ripping into her back in Australia! Although I'm sure that it's all really an accident. Lex Loser has a funny way of working - he bends his body completely to almost ninety degrees down his waist and stretches his arms straight ahead before him. Watching him stumbling in that posture is surprisingly hysterical. Hatch is doing a lousy job at leading the Egos as he sends Lex so far out that he can't even see the poor guy. Meanwhile, Big Red Tom gets hammered twice, very hard, by blindfolded people. Hagrid clocks JennaLoo and walks straight into a tree. The Robfather whacks Crazy Kathy. How fun!

The Cheapos are the first to collect the pieces, the Egos second, and the Brokeheads last. But the Cheapos are stumped, not because they are stupid like some people said, but because they are very disorganized in their task. The Brokeheads on the other hand work together like charmed clockwork and surprise, they are the first to finish the task. Sobroken wins Immunity! Ego Ego is still stuck at second place, but that doesn't stop Kathy from screaming and jumping straight at Colby to hug that man and clasp her thighs around the man's waist. If you think that is obscene, Probby agrees with you. If you have the chance, rewind that scene and watch for Probby's murderous expression as he looks at Kathy molesting his darling most precious. Someone is jealous, ooh. Meanwhile Hagrid roars in victory because he is not the type to do that irritating act of his only halfway. Hagrid, dude, you walked into a tree, okay? Quit that He-Man, Ugly of the Universe act at once.

Somehow the show has slipped to day twelve, which I know only from the Robfather's confessional about how the Cheapos have to start playing the game for the very first time on day twelve. Talk about sloppy transitions, Burnetto. Your budget cuts are really affecting the performance of the editors of this show.

A dejected Cheapora has to face the fact that they have to attend Tribal Council for the first time tonight. Well, it has to happen anyway , but in a way I understand - it must hurt to be on an upbeat and confident mood only to fall flat on the face by some stupid puzzle thingie that is above the mental capability of the tribe members combined. Rat Boy stupidly tells the Robfather that he is sorry that he sat out while everyone took "hard knocks" during the Challenge. When everyone's in a mood to hunt down and kill scapegoats, the stupidest thing you can do is to remind the rest of the tribe of how expendable and non-essential you are to the tribe. The Robfather, fortunately, is too disappointed to care about Rat Boy's false sympathies. In his confessional, Rat Boy hopes that the tribe's loss would make them realize how important he is to them. Wow, that is his strategy? That is the strategy of the best player that has never won Survivor? Isn't that plan as dumb as the plan where one deliberately sets one's own house on fire just to teach the kids not to play with matches?

Ambore surprises me by actually doing something for once, when she approaches Big Red Tom while they are in the water to suggest an alliance between her, her consort, and Tom. She suggests that they vote out Rat Boy at the Tribal Council. Ambore's case is that Rat Boy is too devious and too smart to be kept around. Big Red Tom in his confessional thinks that Rat Boy is smarter than Alicia at the very least and the tribe can use Rat Boy for puzzle challenges, so he isn't so sure about Ambore's proposal.

Alicia is resting at camp and she tells the camera that she knows that Rat Boy is on the chopping block. Rat Boy is a nice guy, she says, but que serra serra. However, she is feeling nervous because usually people will talk about whom they want to boot. So far, no one has said anything, at least to her, and she is becoming paranoid as result. Maybe they are scared of her hand.

Next is a scene that the ever feuding Rat Boy and Robfather fans have been waiting, dreaming, and fantasizing about - a showdown where one will triumph over the other and prove that he is the ultimate Survivor Player Whose Name Is Rob. Unfortunately, it's an anticlimatic non-showdown in the sense that Rat Boy perks up and pathetically drools when the Robfather suggests that they form an alliance. They shake hands and Rat Boy tells the camera that while he isn't sure that he can trust the Robfather, he'll have the Robfather's back and hope for the best anyway. Why isn't he working on Alicia, Sue, and Tom? It will be very easy to make a case that the Robfather and Ambore represent a voting bloc that need to be broken up as soon as possible. After all, Robfather will always have Ambore's vote come the Final Two and vice versa. But I guess Rat Boy is still the nerd at heart longing to be accepted by the cool kid. This is where the Robfather has the advantage over Rat Boy - the Robfather gets the girl, leads the crowd, and is good-looking and charming when he wants to be. Rat Boy has proven that he likes to be considered one of the cool people if his hanging out with Alex, Jabba, and High D was any indication, so it is probably inevitable that he makes the mistake of trying to win over the Robfather, Cheapora's King of Cool, even if it is in his favor to bond with the fellow outcasts of the tribe instead.

The Cheaporas have dinner, and Rat Boy is noticeably sitting isolated from the rest of the tribe while they joke and banter. But he still doesn't get it. Oh dear.

The Robfather confirms that Betrayal and Treachery is afoot when he says in his confessional that he hasn't made up his mind yet whether Rat Boy, Alicia, or Sue will be the one to leave tonight. But when he does, he promises that the person he chooses will definitely be the one going home. Now, now, remember, Robfather, how your own cockiness became your downfall in Marquesas. We won't want you to repeat your mistakes now, do we?

Night, Tribal Council. At Probby's same old rantings about fire being life blah blah blah, the Cheapos lose it and start bashing his head with their torches. Nah, that's just my pleasant fantasy. Everyone sits down and chit-chat commences. Ambore and the Robfather becomes the main topic of discussion, which is Probby's not-so-subtle way of telling the other Cheapos that they have a couple in their midst, break them up now. Ambore tells Probby that she's young and she wants to have fun, but she's not here to play the dating game. The Robfather agrees, repeating that there can only be one winner and his priority is in the game. Ambore doesn't seem happy with his answer to Probby's question, judging from the annoyed sidelong glance she throws at him when he isn't looking. She is definitely screwing over the Robfather some time in the future. Burnetto doesn't drop such blatant foreshadowings every day. Big Red Tom is all for Ambore and the Robfather "cuddling" and "grinding" at night because he's forty-eight but he likes to watch. Alicia says that nobody can come between Ambore and the Robfather and she won't even try. Since everyone admits to knowing that those two are a couple - and they will be really stupid not to try and break them up - I won't be surprised if the Robfather and Ambore start to expect the other three to do all the work and fan and pamper them with grapes while they lounge all day in the shelter like members of royalty.

Chit-chat drifts to the topic on what the tribe members are basing their votes on. Big Red Tom says that he will vote based on how the tribe can be stronger after this Tribal Council, confirming when Probby asked that he will vote for the most expandable Cheapo. If you ask me, then he should vote for Ambore; they all should vote for Ambore to weaken the Robfather's power, but these people aren't that smart, I'm afraid. Probby asks the Robfather what can cause the Robfather to be voted off. The Robfather grins and says that he has a big mouth and an attitude to match, and then turns to Ambore to ask for confirmation. Probby points out for the benefit of the slower members of Cheapora (Sue, pay attention) that the Robfather has just asked his "wife" for confirmation. Ambore agrees with him, by the way. Sue says that yes, she is worried that she will be voted out tonight as she is a bitch. Big Red Tom makes a "Hell, yeah!" expression at this. Sue's inner radar prompts her to turn and glare at the silly old fool who quickly drops his expression. They really need to do a sitcom together. Sue claims that she is a bitch because she doesn't suck up to people, yadda boring yadda yadda.

It's time to vote.

Rat Boy - Alicia. "I'm a little uneasy about this vote tonight but if everything goes through, I have a feeling that next time I see you there's going to be a big finger wagging in my face."

Sue Hawk - Rat Boy. Big Red Tom - Rat Boy.

Alicia - Rat Boy. "Rob C, you're a great guy and you're really funny. You bring a lot of comic relief to our tribe but coming to tribal council isn't very funny and I think we need from here on out is a little more seriousness." The Hand! The Hand!

The Robfather - Rat Boy. His parting words are not shown on TV, but I can't resist rubbing those rather insulting words on Rat Boy fans one more time. Here you go, people: "I saw you on the Amazon and I got to tell you: imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Listen buddy, this isn't personal, it's business. Plus, this island's big enough for only one Rob. See ya later."

Ambore - Rat Boy.

Rat Boy isn't so concerned when the first vote read is for him. The second vote read out is actually his own vote for Alicia. He pales when the second vote for him is read out, muttering softly a four-lettered word. He says this word aloud when the third vote for him is read out. When he is revealed to be the first person voted off Cheapora, he throws his hands up in the air as if he can't believe that they are going to boot him out. But they are, and he's walking down the road to Loser Lodge with his tattered pride nipping at his heels all the way.

Next week: the twist! The twist! Eeeee!

Rat Boy's parting words see him saying that he never has a fair chance at playing the game as he is "targeted unfairly". Yeah right. It's not unfair at all, not when he fails to adapt to a tribe that is very different from the people he is stuck with in Amazon. The Robfather easily adapts by changing his game a little so that he can come off as a leader instead of a rabble-rouser like he was in Marquesas. But Rat Boy, unable to recycle his old schtick, seems at loss as to how he can penetrate the ranks of Cheapora.

Let me illustrate the hilarious discrepancy between the gameplans of these two well-known schemers and liars. Their confessionals before the Tribal Council are edited for the TV show but the full confessionals not aired on TV are available if you log onto Survivor Insider at the official website (it's free).

Rat Boy's confessional before the Tribal Council has him worrying, "And my mind can get me in trouble; it has in the past. I'm just worried that maybe Rob is deceiving me. I read some books on psychology before I came out here."

The Robfather's confessional has him chuckling and saying, "It's painful to listen to Cesternino talk - that's how obvious everything he does is. I mean, he probably read like five psychology books before he got out here and he's using the examples from the book - the textbook - on the tribe! And I mean, people like Alicia and Big Tom noticing. Come on dude, you're not too smooth!"

Ouch.

Rat Boy concludes his parting words by saying that he isn't happy to be booted but he'd take his boot as a "sign of respect" for his smarts by his fellow tribemates. If it makes you feel better, Rat Boy, please do. But I think that for now, the Robfather has totally trounced you bad and it's time to go home and lick your wounds before you go around trumpeting that you are some super genius at the game.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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