SURVIVOR

All-Stars Episode 5: I've Been Bamboozled!

Probby says "Previously..." - Hagrid sinks the Sobroken home, Rat Boy gets voted out, and the Cheaporas seem to be as strong as ever. The Robfather and Ambore do the snuggle-wuggle in the thunderstorm, backed by the Panamanian windflute version of Have You Seen The Rain?, and oh yeah, Big Red Tom hates Sue Hawk and the feeling is mutual. It's the same old crock: the same things (storm, insect bites, hyped-up non-happenings) happen every season only to different people, I'm starting to suspect that this show actually takes place in a studio where everything and everyone is computer generated.

What's that, Burnetto? Today's episode contains some scenes meant for a mature audience? I'm sorry but mature and Survivor should never be placed together in the same context, ever.

Credits. Still not digging the music. I like the Robfather's triumphant roar though.

Morning, day thirteen. It's a wonderful morning, with clear skies and dancing clouds and all. A sloth slowly gives the camera the evil eye. Ambore and the Robfather are holding hands as the happy Cheapos check their tree-mail. Ambore explains somewhat unnecessarily (as Burnetto also shows the Cheapos reading the mail) as she leans against a tree in a "dead-eyed cow-lipped dingbat trying to look sultry while sporting dirty hair" pose that the tribe is instructed to build a raft using a bundle of bamboo provided. They are also provided with ropes and a paddle. Apparently the raft must be able to carry four people for some sort of race in the upcoming Reward Challenge. The Robfather thinks that he has done this before in Marquesas. Sue Hawk suggests that Big Red Tom sits out as he is the heaviest person in the tribe. "You'll drag the boat down," she tells him, and he answers cheekily, "I'm an anchor!"

"The biggest part of the challenge," Ambore concludes as she tries to pass herself off as Natalie Imbruglia's bad-hair-day sister, "is building the raft." I am stunned by her keen insight into the mysteries of life.

Obviously Sobroken hasn't learned anything from the Hovel In The Hole debacle, because Hagrid is leading the Brokeheads in building the raft. My hubby is more inclined to be kind as he suggests that maybe the other three Brokeheads find it really hard to tell Hagrid no; not because Hagrid is persuasive (hah, that will be the day indeed) but because Hagrid's temper is not something to be trifled with. He tells the others that they will build some outriggers to their raft. Jerri is skeptical as she remembers clearly what happens the last time Hagrid was in charge and led them all literally straight into a hole. She thinks that they are building a pontoon or maybe a catamaran. Oh please, she can only wish that it's a catamaran. Whatever they are building though, the raft is wide, square in shape, and stable when floating on the water. The raft also looks very cumbersome and slow, what with all those extra accessorizing that will only increase the drag experienced by the raft.

Hagrid preens and tells the camera that he feels good about the raft and he tries not to think about the Hovel In The Hole. He is staking his reputation on this raft, he adds, and pointing out the "unique design" and the fact that they have four paddles to give them an extra edge, he is confident that the Brokeheads will win this Reward Challenge. Oh, they would, if the Challenge calls for a tribe to make the biggest miscalculations through combined inadequacies of mental capabilities. I guess no one told Hagrid that it is premature of him to preen and crow like an arrogant rooster, not when he has already proven his inadequacies in the premature department in so many other ways already this season.

Over at Ego Ego, they are hard at work on the building of their raft. Of course, when it comes to work, the Shii Devil is nowhere in sight. Lex Loser, Colby, Big Gay Hatch, and Crazy Kathy discuss their raft-building strategy. Kathy's contribution is that they must use up every piece of bamboo, in case the men have funny ideas like trying to float four people on one bamboo shoot. After some discussion, they all decide that it's too much work to cut the bamboo and design a proper raft, so they'll stick to just bundling up the bamboo tighter together and hoping that it stays afloat. Colby is worried though because this raft will have to support the weight of Hatch, which he estimates to be 260 pounds (not counting the weight of Hatch's ego, obviously). It's quite telling that Ego Ego chooses to take a chance with Big Gay Hatch's weight rather than to sit him out and rope in the Shii Devil's aid. Hatch, meanwhile, tells the camera that the raft will float but he doubts that it will move fast. He is, after all, taking into account the weight of his ego when it comes to the actual burden the raft has to carry.

Back at Cheapora, they have finished their raft, which looks like a normal, typical raft, and Alicia and Big Red Tom are watching from the beach as Ambore, the Robfather, and Sue Hawk gives the raft a test run. "I say nice rack, er, raft," Big Red Tom chirps up. Alicia laughs in a somewhat forced manner, says that the raft will help the Cheapos win the upcoming Challenge, and asks Tom whether he has been drinking. The camera slyly pans to the nearly empty bottle of whiskey. The Robfather calls out to those two that the raft is like a waterbed. Big Red Tom cackles, saying that the raft is the best built "thing" since Alicia. Oh boy, the redneck idiot is back in full force.

Sue tells the camera that she will vote Tom out if she has the chance because he is a drunk, klutzy idiot. She says that she does not find his innuendos funny at all. Big Red Tom decides that he'll christen the raft, but this is before Sue Hawk announces that she's going to pee. She decides to slide along to one end of the raft to answer the call of nature in the sea, which makes the whole "look at me, I'm peeing!" declaration from her tad unnecessary. Big Red Tom mutters that Sue can kiss his ass because she is a hag. He goes on to say that the raft will sink now because Sue's actions will make a hole in the raft. This could've been funny if he isn't delivering his rantings in a venomous tone. But in the end he christens the raft the Suzy Q after his wife back home. I hope Suzy Q is happy that her husband has just named Sue Hawk's toilet seat in her honor.

Jeff "Craggen Jiff Pop" Proboscis greets them as the three tribes file onto the beach later that day. Hatch is audibly dismayed that Sue Hawk is still on the show. Probby asks the other two tribes to guess who is missing from Cheapora. Shii Devil grimaces when she gets it first. "Cesterino!" she says dramatically when she realizes who the person missing in Cheapora is.

Probby explains the rules of today's Reward Challenge. Each tribe will have two members each placed on a separate floating platform out in the sea. The two remaining tribemembers will have to paddle their raft to rescue these two members. The four tribemembers will then paddle the raft back to the beach, pick up the raft, and run to the finish line. The first tribe to cross the finish line wins - ta-da! - a set of fishing hooks. Okay, the Survivors don't seem too pleased with this, so Probby reveals another prize: a fishing spear. Now the Survivors are excited. Meanwhile, the first and second teams will get the next clue to the key to their rice chest (if they haven't opened their chest already like Cheapora did last week). And here's the catch: Probby says that the last team will be dissolved and integrated to the other two tribes. The losers will not even have the chance to go back and pack their things. Their personal belongings will be moved by Burnetto's minions to the new camp, but everything they have won in previous Reward Challenges will be lost. Am I evil to want the Cheapos to come in last and be forced to live in the decrepit Sobroken camp? Bye bye, shower and portable commode, hello Hovel In The Hole!

The Egos have to rescue Kathy and Hatch, Shii Devil sits out. The Cheapos have to rescue Alicia and Ambore, Tom sits out, while the Brokeheads will have to rescue JennaLoo and Jerri. And then they are off. Probby points out that the worst-looking raft (the Egos' Bundle of Bamboos) is actually faster than the rest while the Brokehead's raft, the USS Hagrid's Ego, is the slowest. Oopsie there, Hagrid! The camera pans on Ethanol the Supreme Diva all sweaty and bulging muscles as he rows - am I supposed to find him hot, Burnetto? Because he's not - any sexual fantasies you wish to indoctrinate in my psyche are doomed to fail because it is very easy to imagine the Supreme Diva whining and complaining his way through a shag before throwing up a list of performance criticisms as post-shag chit-chat. The race is almost anticlimatic: the Bundle of Bamboos is so far ahead, the Suzy Q in the middle, and the USS Hagrid's Ego so dismally far behind that it is obvious that the Egos will win this Challenge, the Cheapos will come in second, and Sobroken is doomed to dissolution, which are of course what happen at the end of the race.

As the Egos wait for the other two tribes to come in, they quickly discuss whom they should pick from Sobroken. Colby leads the others into deciding that Ethanol must go so he'll be the first chosen from Sobroken. Meanwhile, Sobroken shares a group hug because they are going to be separated for now and thus they are so sad, boo-hoo-hoo.

Probby just has to point out that Ego Ego and Cheapora will take turn selecting their new members like some school-yard game of pick-'em, which will surely rub off painfully on the humiliated Brokeheads. The Egos choose Ethanol - oh great, Lex Loser and Ethanol together again - while the Cheapos choose Hagrid. The Egos take Jerri next - Jerri and Colby hug uncomfortably as Probby cackles that those two are together again - while the Cheapos have to settle for JennaLoo. JennaLoo is given a long solo "Sole Survivor" pose shot as she waits to be chosen, which may or may not be a foreshadowing of possible future events. And with that, Sobroken is no more, good riddance.

Over at Ego Ego, the old Egos are teaching the two new tribemembers the camp cheer. Jerri gushes that she is so happy to be with her new tribemates. She and the Supreme Diva coo and praise the Ego Ego shelter accordingly. Colby however has a more sinister tale to tell in his confessional, as he says that Jerri is chosen because she is not close to Ethanol so she and Ethanol will always be outsiders in Ego Ego and hence easier to control or eliminate. Ethanol tells the camera that he starts anew every day and today is a new day. Or something. Shut up, freak. Jerri gushes in her confessional again how much she loves this new development because she doesn't miss Sobroken. Yes, and neither do I. Now if only we can dissolve Ethanol and Hagrid out of this show, life will be even better.

Over at Cheapora, JennaLoo and Hagrid admire their new shelter and ask for permission to try out the swing. JennaLoo complains that she used to have control in Sobroken and now she's lost it. I don't think she's happy to be in the same tribe as Ambore, another of Ethanol's ex, either. But look at the bright side, at least Jabba is gone or things will really get messy between the Supreme Diva, his two ex-girlfriends, and his new girlfriend. Hagrid says that Cheapora is the Taj Mahal while Sobroken was the Hobo Junction. Well, since he's the one that built that Hovel In The Hole and he's the one that built USS Hagrid's Ego, making him the biggest force behind the crumble of Sobroken, I guess he knows all about being third-rate. Alicia declares that they are really now going to annihilate Ego Ego. I don't think so. Hagrid, the Robfather, Big Red Tom, JennaLoo, and she in the same team will more likely result in more internal strife than before.

Day fourteen. Having had their third and final clue to unlock their rice chest, the Egos are hunting for the key. The key is hidden in the same manner as the Cheapos' key is hidden - ten paces away from their tree-mail. Jerri squeals in joy as she digs up the key for the Egos. She tells the camera that she hopes that her finding the key will allow her to be really a part of Ego Ego. How nice, Jerri is so sweet and lovely now. Who would've thought she and Ambore would trade roles this season? Unfortunately, when the Egos open their chest, they realize that due to their own carelessness, water has seeped into the chest and ruined half their rice supply. Jerri, never learning from Australia in this at least, dumps the ruined rice into the sea. Colby, watching her, has flashbacks to less pleasant times in Australia (not counting the part where he stupidly hands Tuna Wesson her million-dollar boob job) and whines to the camera that running out of rice is not a good thing, not at all. They still need fish, he decides.

Ethanol listens as Hatch talk about his fish-catching adventures. The Supreme Diva decides that he too can catch a fish. Hatch snarks to the camera that the Supreme Diva is trying really hard to toe along the pecking order (in which Hatch appoints himself the boss of everybody, of course) while trying to prove his worth to the tribe. "What worth?" is right. Ethanol is the worst winner in the history of this show as he has done absolutely nothing but to coast on the African BoyBoy Club where Lex Loser and Big Red Tom do all the dirty work for him. As it is, Ethanol manages to catch a puny fish with the spear. You know, I don't understand why he doesn't take something with him to catch more than one fish at a time. Does he expect people to be in awe of him just because he caught one puny fish? Ethanol is proud that he's caught a fish and more importantly, poached on Hatch's turf in the process. It's just one fish, for chrissakes! Hatch puts a show of mock outrage in his confessional as Lex Loser congratulates Ethanol for catching one stupid fish. No one but Hatch is supposed to get anything! So Hatch goes out and catches two big fish, causing Ethanol's face to turn the color of molten tar, only this time the dark hue of his face also has a distinct shade of green.

Crazy Kathy tells the camera that if those men want to continue their pathetic penis-measuring competition, hey, more power to them. She'll just sit back and enjoy the fish, thanks very much.

Oh no! Burnetto reminds people that discretion must be applied as today's episode has material that are inappropriate for children! This doesn't take into account Thailand's Fatal Grindaction scandal, last week's Snuggly Wuggly In The Storm episode, the Pretty Pretty Princesses of Amazon bathing naked and massaging their breasts, and let's not even start with the whole Backstabbing and Betrayal modus operandi of this game. Just be careful, people - Burnetto says so!

Day fifteen. Tree-mail at Ego Ego! Jerri reads it aloud. Apparently it's something about needing your strength and speed to capture some flags. Hatch isn't too concerned about winning although he thinks that they will win in his confessional. Oops, he hopes that no one is listening in on his confessional. Yeah, yeah, you transparent camera-conscious media ho, whatever. Colby meanwhile believes that the tribe must stop relying on coming in second as being second will get you sent home, he says in a sage voice. Gee, I guess Mr Stating The Obvious here did learn something from Australia after all.

Probby awaits them in a clearing. He takes the two pieces of Gaia and puts them together, because now only one tribe will get the whole deal. I bet the Survivors will have fun putting together and pulling apart Gaia again and again for hours of pure entertainment. The Immunity Challenge today involves the two tribes running across horizontal beams to get to the platforms at the other side. There, they will collect one flag per person to put them up at the wooden pegs behind them at the platform where they started. First tribe to collect twenty flags wins Gaia. In the middle of the network of horizontal beams is a white-painted beam where two Survivors can duel if they want. The person that knocks the other down to the pit of water below can move on while the loser must go back to the starting platform and start all over again. Get that? On your marks, go!

Amidst the running and bobbling and trying to balance, Ethanol and the Robfather find themselves face to face on the Battle Beam. They glare at each other. Probby hypes up the event. Ethanol plants his feet steadily down on the beam. The Robfather goes into a half-crouch, legs planted wide, and then - wham! He rams straight into the Supreme Diva and down they go! Ethanol hits his face hard at the side of the pit that I can almost hear the crack that never came. It looks painful as Ethanol seems shaken when he unsteadily climbs out of the water. Probby however says that the Robfather lands in the water first so Ethanol is free to go while the Robfather must start again. Whatever - Ethanol, you've been owned by the Man, baby! Who's your Daddy now, huh? Who's the Daddy?

More balancing acts. Hagrid slides off the beam and straight into the water - ouch. Listen as his apologists insist that Hagrid is just pretending to be an idiot so that he doesn't get voted out. I mean, come on, do we seriously believe that this idiot actually has it in him to be as cunning as his apologists make him out to be?

Next showdown is between Hatch and JennaLoo. She nervously compares herself to David versus the Goliath. The Robfather yells at her to go for Hatch's legs but she can only grab his ankles before losing her balance and sliding off the beam. But she takes Hatch down with her, even if she falls first - hurrah! Hatch gets out and takes off his shorts. I know he gets naked in other Challenges, but I still feel that Probby should have never allowed Hatch to get naked here, in a competition that involves compulsory physical contact, which is the first mistake that will catalyze the subsequent chain of unfunny errors.

More balancing, running, and falling. Big Red Tom slips but he catches the beam with his hand and manages to pull himself up. His feet touched the water but Probby lets him continue. Oh well. Big Red Tom sends Ethanol down into the water. I can get used to this delightful notion of Ethanol falling down a lot into a pit of muddy water.

And then comes the Sue and Hatch confrontation. She knows that he is naked and her tribemates call out to her to take the other route back, but she insists that she's taking Hatch down. What happens next is censored by the local TV station, but I have read several reports that confirm the following events: Sue steps past Hatch and Hatch pushes his groin towards her, saying, "Want some, honey?" Sue actually falls into Kathy who's in front of her, and as she is on all fours, Hatch comes up and continues to grind against her backside. And only after the second grinding does Probby calls Hatch to stop, saying, "Come on, nobody cares about that stuff!" If I'm Probby, I'll be saying, "Turn around, Sue, and bite that pathetic piece of meat off with your teeth!" but that's just me. After Probby has spoken, only then does Hatch walk away.

I know Sue courted trouble by tackling Hatch when she can easily walk away, but I'm sure that what she has in mind is some friendly and harmless competition between two rivals. What Hatch did is demeaning and uncouth, even if he's just "joking". I mean, come on, any rational person will know that you do not shove your privates at another person without invitation. What Hatch did was a violation of personal space with a clear intention to humiliate his victim. He may think he's funny, but I say he's a pathetic jerk who's not above using his size and penis to intimidate people, especially women. And shame on Probby for letting Hatch's nonsense go out of hand.

The Robfather is next. Okay, he's a construction worker, which means he will have plenty of experience walking across beams, but dang, he's fast. If he lacks balance, he makes up for it by running to keep up his momentum. He meets Colby and without much ado, actually lifts Colby bodily off the beam before they both fall into the water. Man, that's definitely the sexiest scene of this season. The Robfather is so unbelievably cool and hot! Sue Hawk says that she's not even going to try - she's jumping off the platform so that the Robfather can get his turn again soon. The others all follow, jumping off the platform simultaneously so that the Robfather can run one more lap around the beams. He bumps into Crazy Kathy, who valiantly tries to save herself by straddling the beam. She's out of luck - down she falls! The Robfather gets the last flag and voila, the Cheapos has won one more Immunity Challenge!

Probby hands JennaLoo the Gaia idol, but the smart woman wisely hands it over to the Robfather. Suck it up, that's right, JennaLoo! Heh. Meanwhile, the Egos will have to head to their first ever Tribal Council tonight.

While walking back to camp, the Cheapos are dissecting the events at the Challenge. They are particularly proud of their simultaneous beam-jumping strategy that allows the Robfather to win them their victory. Hagrid tries to laugh off his lack of balance, which he himself brings up in the first place. But the Cheapos aren't in the mood to talk about Hagrid, so Sue brings up her hope that Hatch will be voted off tonight. She, Alicia, and the Robfather agree that what Hatch did to her earlier was "disgusting". "Disgusting!" Hagrid chimes in, trying desperately to bring the conversation back to him. Oh stuff it, you big lummox. The Robfather tells his tribemates that he would have enjoyed kicking Hatch's naked ass. In his confessional, he says that he may not be the strongest man on the show but he's the toughest. Sue crows that the Robfather "got" Colby. In his confessional, the Robfather dismisses Colby. He tells the ladies that Colby is not as tough as they think he is. Normally a strutting rooster is not an appealing sight in any way, but the Robfather... he... er, never mind.

Over at the less jubilant Ego Ego, the Shii Devil gives the same canned spiel about how tough it is to have to vote someone off, boo-hoo-hoo. I'd have thought she'd be happy to cut away at her competition for a million dollars. Meanwhile, after Colby gives some confessional about some convoluted reason as to why his gut is telling him to follow his gut (shut up, dude), he and Ethanol take a walk to discuss the booting of Hatch. Colby calls Hatch the "cancer" of the tribe (I see he has found a new mommy figure to parrot after already) that will "grow and spread" if they let him. Colby is such a lummox - does he listen to himself as he speaks? They decide that Hatch is too dangerous to keep around even for his strength. Colby tells Ethanol that Hatch will expect the Egos to vote out Ethanol tonight, however, so everyone, including Ethanol, must play along with Hatch's misassumption. The Supreme Diva is not happy to play the bait. He wonders aloud in his confessional whether he's the one being played here, not Hatch. He concludes that he has a fifty-fifty chance of staying so he has nothing to lose by going along. Also, it's not as if he has any choice in the matter.

Colby and Jerri are now talking in a private pow-wow. He tells her the same thing that he told the Supreme Diva: if Hatch asks her to vote for Ethanol, she should play along and agree. Jerri agrees. In her confessional, she questions the wisdom of allying herself with three men that will eventually kick her ass in the Reward and Immunity Challenges. Now Colby is dealing with Hatch. Colby is feeding Hatch some lie about he telling the Supreme Diva that the Diva is leaving tonight because the Diva is a force to be reckoned with in Challenges (pot, kettle, black). Hatch of course agrees that Ethanol must go.

Meanwhile, Lex Loser is working Kathy and the Shii Devil. Looks like the Panamanian BoyBoy Club is off on a head start. Shii Devil seems shocked that someone would vote Hatch out - to think I ever considered this lady smart! - while Kathy reminds Lex that she's okay with the plan to boot Hatch but Lex must also keep an eye out for Colby. Kathy describes Colby as sneaky to Lex. Lex nods at this before trying to weakly justify that booting Hatch out is a plan he has been harboring all along. I don't think Kathy is fully placated by this. When Lex is gone. Shii Devil asks Kathy whether booting Hatch is wise as this will leave those two women alone versus the three men and I assume Jerri too. And now Jerri is having a pow-wow with the Shii Devil and Kathy. So much wheeling and dealing - my head reels from the intrigue! She tentatively suggests that if the ladies are considering the idea of booting out Colby tonight, count Jerri in. In her confessional, Jerri acknowledges that a part of her wants to take revenge on Colby for her ouster in Australia. There's a good chance that eventually one of them will be the downfall of the other this season: Burnetto loves this kind of twists in his storylines. Kathy tells the camera that she isn't too happy with the fact that the decision to oust Hatch is made by two men who then proceed to make everyone else toe in line with their decision.

Jerri, the Shii Devil, and Hatch are now pow-wowing. Oh, I can't keep up! Hatch explains to the camera that Jerri tells him that there is a nasty plan afoot to vote Hatch out tonight, a plan which he of course is strongly against. He correctly guesses that the Panamanian BoyBoy Club is behind this. Jerri sneakily suggests that they can counter this dastardly plan by voting out Colby. Hatch agrees to this. Shii Devil, Hatch's biggest fan, predictably voices no objections. Hatch plays for the camera, saying that for daring to cross him, Colby must go "bye bye now". Then Hatch is now talking to Kathy, persuading her to go along with the plan to vote out Colby. He argues that Colby will dominate physical challenges just like he did in Australia. Kathy says that she needs to think and asks to be given ten minutes to do so. To the camera, she wonders how she ends up once again in the position of swing vote and wonders whether she should follow her gut instincts or loyalty or something.

Night, Tribal Council. Inane chatter ensues. The only memorable exchange is Colby complaining that some people in Ego Ego are just coasting on other people's efforts. He doesn't name names, but Shii Devil rolls up her eyes nonetheless at his comment, heh. Seriously, what is she doing here anyway? Colby, channeling Burtman of Pearl Islands, says that someone is getting duped today, only he isn't sure who. Kathy concludes the chit-chat by saying that she will take down the big guys, which could easily be Colby as well as Hatch. Hmm, who is it?

It's time to vote.

Ethanol - Hatch. Shii Devil - Hatch.

Hatch - Colby. He says that Colby should have trusted him as he is on Colby's side.

Jerri - Hatch. Lex - Hatch.

Colby - Hatch. He says that his gut instincts tell him not to trust Hatch.

Kathy is trying to hold back laughter as Probby goes to "tally the votes". Probby reads the votes. Colby. Colby looks puzzled - shouldn't that be Ethanol? I guess the ladies have been going over some plans of their owns before agreeing to play with the BoyBoy Club. Time will tell if this BoyBoy Club will rule, Kathy will be Dim Kim, the Shii Devil be the new Kelly, and this season becomes as dreadfully dull as Africa. But the next votes are all for Hatch. "I've been bamboozled!" Hatch exclaims as he walks to get his torch snuffed. He pats Colby's shoulder as he passes Colby. Colby grins and says that they have played Hatch good. Hatch agrees. Hatch dances down the long and winding road to Loser Lodge, and Kathy laughs.

Next week: Colby versus Shii Devil, Sue Hawk versus Probby, and this should be really good.

Hatch's final words... oh stuff it, I can't be bothered. He's had his fifteen minutes of fame extended to painful lengths, and as far as I'm concerned, I'm done with him already. Adios, farewell, and get lost, jerk!

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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