SURVIVOR

Amazon Episode 3: Girl Power

Before we start, here's a moment of thought for our Malaysian neighbors who don't even get to see the gals bathing. At least us in Singapore get to see the bathing scene minus the part when Shawna, High D, and Jenna begin demonstrating breast examination techniques.

I love Mark Burnetto for trying to introduce lesboerotica into the average American primetime household fare. I expect to see Dr Dave, Alex, and Queen Elfreda soaping themselves up next week. Burnetto won't be so unfair as to deprive us preferring our eye candies of the XY variety, will he?

Anyway, let's kick off the theme song of this week's episode - which sounds just like the one for Thailand, hmm - before getting to the good stuff. Early morning, day seven, Tampa Queen. Rat Boy shoves his ugly face to the camera - good morning sunshine. We see guys chop down leaves. Queen Elfreda tries to do what seems like grabbing a branch only to lose his grip and sits down suddenly on the ground: "That hurts". Early morning "How to ride your hot stud crazy" lessons from Queen Elfreda. Aww, what will we do without him, surely?

Then someone is mad enough to shove the camera to Rat Boy. Who actually believes that we want to see this ugly Adam Sandler bitchsmacked-ugly moron talk so early in the show? We want to see Danny Boy soaping his glowing man pecs or Queen Elfreda demonstrating how to artfully create obscene things out of Amazonian cucumbers with his bare fingers. Not Rat Boy smirking his Rohypnol smile and telling me that he is certain that the ladies' shelter sucks and not as comfy as the guys' or that they are men and they don't care for comfort. Never mind that this idiot has contradicted himself, but why is he so onto the gals' shelter? Does he want to stay with the girls for group hair-braiding and lice-picking or something? "Sister High D, does the pink pretty ribbons look good wrapped around my 36D manboobs?" Dude, you've lost two out of three challenges. Bend over, hon, the gals are the ones in charge. Even if the Jamborees have no shelter.

King Dick and Danny Boy are so hating each other. King Boss is going on and on about Danny Boy not pulling his weight to Alex. Finally, King Dick goes off to collect water in a huff. I hope he slips and accidentally sits on a sharp tree branch. The men left behind all look at him and at each other. It's a look kids give each other when the teacher is out of the classroom for a short while. Poor King Dick doesn't realize one thing: when Danny Boy is gone, he himself will become irrelevant and there will be no Danny Boy to distract the others from the giant target painted on King Dick's back. The sloth on the tree also looks at King Dick. The sloth is cute.

Danny Boy says he and King Dick are not talking at all. He also says that King Dick smells like spoiled vinegar. I don't want to know.

King Dick says that he wants to karate-chop Danny Boy. A racist and a homophobe - how nice. I hope Queen Elfreda and the boys will gang up on this old saggy freak in the Amazonian showers and get down on that freak until he cries for his daddy.

Queen Elfreda and Danny Boy turn out to be pretty close friends. And they're really close, judging from their rendezvous where Danny Boy sits on a tree stump, the picture of a lost and confused virginal-looking muscle-brawn twinkie and Queen Elfreda, shirtless, pants hanging low to expose the top of his black Speedos, his Mirage Satellite nipples in full erect glory as he leans forward, arms holding branches at each side of him in a V-conformation like a Freudian imagery of penetration, to seduce Danny Boy. I have a DH Lawrencian hot flush moment watching these two.

To my delight, Queen Elfreda, who is born in Hong Kong, starts rattling to Danny Boy in Mandarin. I can't understand Mandarin well, but I guess the conversation goes something like this:

Queen Elfreda: I love hot Chinese boys. Will you show me your hot Chinese dumplings?

Danny Boy: Only if I get to sample those yummy Dutch baguette first.

Just kidding, lawyers!

Shattered gaydar aside, these two really don't help matters at all. Queen Elfreda just has to tell me that he and Danny Boy have a special and immediate connection. And believe it or not, romantic muzak begins to play as Queen Elfreda strings out Danny Boy's insecurities by talking trash about King Dick. Danny Boy tells me that Queen Elfreda is his best friend and ally in this good. I am so touched that after poor Ryan is gone, Danny Boy can still find strength to move on to a new sweetheart. This is so inspirational for all of us who have been hurt by love before!

Then Queen Elfreda straightens up and steps towards Danny Boy and... and... COMMERCIAL BREAK!

"Ah!" I cry out in annoyance and fling a cushion at the TV.

Mark Burnetto never let me watch anything fun - damn that man, damn him!

Of course, after being bombarded with stupid commercials starring women with scary with teeth and men with scary shiny hair, I never get to see those two making money jungle screamin' love with Pavarotti's Nessun Dorma playing in a glorious crescendo in the background. Oh well, their love story, along with Ken Doll and Tooolll's from the last season, will probably be available along with the lesbian orgy of Jamboree in special DVD, Survivor XXX, available soon in good adult stores near you.

No, I have to see the wretched Jamboree camp instead. Jeanne is complaining about the dirty crusted pot - I guess they must have overboiled their underwear - and the panties hanging on beams and insects hovering over their food. Jenna or High D or somebody is heard to remark, "What's with our food? They (the bugs) always want our food!" See, hon, insects eat too, and if you don't cover your food, they'll sit on it, lay their eggs on it, the germs on their legs will fall onto it, and hopefully botulism will help you grow a brain. Someone takes a fistful of manioc flour - the flour has hardened into lumps. This is pathetic. I don't think any of these women's kids and hubbies or lovers at home will ever dare touch any food these women prepare in the future ever again.

The Bride of Satan rakes leaves. Hippodeena is heard to ask her what she is doing in some attempt at chit-chat.

Hippodeena tells me that her priority is water.

Jenna tells me that her priority is food.

Jeanne wants to chop wood for shelter.

Jeanne concludes that they really need a leader and after Janet's ouster last night, they returned to camp and decided to have a meeting today to get things done. Hippodeena decides to call a meeting. Shawna is asleep. Apparently she's going to do a Tanya/Jessie sick act on everybody. Jeanne, telling the others that Shawna is still part of the team, wakes the sleeping lady up and then "initates a leader" (sic) by nominating Hippodeena. She tells me that she and the Bride of Satan hope that Hippodeena will stir things up. Ooh, how Christian is that Bride of Satan today. She won't stand no idol in her house, no siree, and she will shove her hand at your face but by the will of God, she will set her fellow woman for a downfall. All hail the Bride of Satan! And to think people say that Christians on this show get a bad rep. With people like the Bride of Satan, one of these days Burnetto may inadvertently trigger the next Sodom and Gomorrah incident.

Hippodeena is aware of what the two Bitches from Hell are doing, however, but if that's what it takes to get anything done here, she'll do it.

High D says that still, the Jamborees is a good team: they kick the boys' butts and in the end, that's all that matters. As opposed to food, shelter, and hygiene, I guess.

It's Reward Challenge time. Jeff Proboscis announces that this challenge will test the contestants' memory skils. Big talk for what is essentially a Happy Family card game. Only this time, each contestant stands behind a box, and there are thirty-seven beauty items divided between the boxes. The contestants will call out to the person they believe to have, say, a shampoo and if that person has a shampoo, he or she will pass it to the person who asked. The reward for the team who collects all items will be the items themselves: shampoo, tweezers, toothbrushes, pumice stone, toothpaste, et cetera.

And here is where the Tampa Queens prove that their brains are firmly lodged in their tiny, wrinkled nuts. Instead of playing the game, the idiots instead find this challenge an excuse to flirt with High-D, Shawna, and Jenna. How pathetic is Danny Boy who believes that batting his eyelashes and saying the same come-on lines to both Shawna and High D one after the other will win him any favors. Alex just can't stop flirting with Jenna - although I must say that man, his prune-faced impersonation of Probby aside, can really lay it well and thick. Jenna playfully demands to know how he knows her name. Yeah, how does he know her name?

Jeff Proboscis, fearing that if this show goes under and he may have to replace Alex McLeod as the next host of Joe Millionaire, tries to do his Benny Hill pimp act. "Jenna's not showing anything!" he says, to which she says, "Not today, maybe tomorrow."

I give points to Butch for calling out Hippodeena and then referring to her as a "young lady", giving the woman a glowing smile on her face. In a challenge where the men are shamelessly and transparently humping their boxes while moaning out the names of Jenna, High D, and Shawna to the exclusion of the other women in the game, this man at least is playing a game. I confess I really think Dr Dave looks hot when he stands there with a big, flirtatious grin and brings it all on on C Girl. C Girl earns my approval when she actually flirts back, twirling her hair girlishly.

Damn, it's mating season. These people are so pathetic!

Even better is how every woman is telling Rat Boy no. Heh.

Rat Boy says aloud that he can't wait for the merger. Jeff Proboscis tells the men that they really need to score, to which Dr Dave chimes in his agreement. My husband shakes his head and says that these men may as well toss the money to the ladies. I think, watching the men all but drool and give the game away to the women while trying vainly to show off their non-existent alpha mate potential, the likes of Richard Hatchetface and Porno will groan and bury their faces in their hands in shame. Guys, focus, with your big head, please. Who was it that was saying that no women is worth a million dollars? Oh my goodness, these women just have to stand there and these men lose all perception altogether the moment the blood rushes from their head to their tiny puny winkies.

It doesn't take long. Jeanne scores the final item, a shampoo, from Dr Dave, and the Jamborees have won once again. The ladies cheer and hug their reward. I don't think the men, staring at the women in a stupefied daze, even notice as the ladies deftly snip their testicles and run away with them.

Oh guys, you are all so easy, way too easy. Heh.

Night falls and we're at the Tampa Queen camp. Rat Boy is so excited. He is very excited. He is so "frat ugly boy who has never scored before finally getting to attend a party and stand at the corner drooling at the girls" excited. He is so excited because he gets to see the girls and talks to them, actually believing that when Jenna tells him that the girls talk about him and "it's all good" earlier, it's really all good. That is, "good" in a "Rat Boy is so hot, I wanna shag him. No, I will shag him first! No, me first! Me! Me! Me!" good and not "That freak is so stupid! I'll just flash him and he'll fish for piranhas with his penis for me!" good, although I suspect the latter is closer to the truth.

He goes on to say that although he fancies High D, he doesn't think she looks good. She has lost weight and looks kinda rough, she's more of a six rather than a perfect ten now. Which is good, he decides, because it levels the playing field for him. Hey, Rat Boy, newsflash: High D's breasts aren't natural, so they'll never sag and your breasts will never be bigger than hers. Is that what you're saying? I think it is, because after this show, I doubt you will ever get laid ever again, not even if the woman is desperate unless she has a fetish for repulsive ugly freaks who believe they are funny when they aren't even one miserable bit.

Dr Dave wants to get with Shawna. He also thinks Jenna has a sexy butt. Cue scene of Jenna's bikinied butt. If Burnetto is trying to show the devolution of the penis, he's succeeding beautifully. Alex says that Jenna has an expressive stare (read: vacant and dumb, just the way he likes them). Butch says that he is not supposed to look but Jenna, you know, is so - oh please, Butch, who are you trying to fool? You're King Dick's bitch! The only reason you will even look at Jenna is to ask her to lend you her bikini top.

Rat Boy completes his prime-time "Hate me, I'm a dumb prick" one-man freak show by saying that he doesn't like the Bride of Satan because he doesn't think Jesus even likes Survivor. Fair enough. I despise the Bride of Satan myself. Then Rat Boy has to say that Jesus will look after the Tampa Queens anyway because Jesus is a guy like the Tampa Queens.

Nobody notices Queen Elfreda, silent, never saying a thing, watching from the shadows. Then again, he's probably off somewhere comforting Danny Boy with some Mandarin-flavored "Oi! Oi! Hai me, ow me!" TLC, and we know all those TLC can't be shown on TV. It's okay, you two. We'll give you privacy, take your time. I'll just watch the commercials instead as we go to a break. (I hate this show.)

It's morning, day eight, and we take a look at the Jamborees. And I wish I haven't. Hippodeena, Jeanne, and C Girl are bathing. C Girl tells me that it's kind of a self-conscious thing to bathe before other people, and then she laughs as she says that she isn't invited to High D, Shawna, and Jenna's Pretty Princess lesbogorgia party. She even does a cute impression of the Pretty Princesses "checking each other out" (her own words, not mine). Oh my goodness, when I can stop laughing, let me repeat this: this season is the gayest season of them all.

High D thinks that the "old ladies" will get self-conscious if the Pretty Princesses bathe before them. Old ladies, she says, get insecure about seeing these sort of "hot, nubile bodies". I know, High D. When I see the very noticeable edges of those saline bags in your breasts, I feel so insecure. Your ribcage makes me want to stuff a Big Mac into your mouth. Your craggle front teeth makes me want to take a hammer and bash them straight for you. I'm so insecure and jealous of a walking albino ribcage with saline bag breasts, oh how sad.

At this point, tinkly porn music plays as Jenna bends over in the front and High D and Shawna at the back pour water on her or something. Shawna says that hmmm, she loves to get all half-naked in the Amazons, never mind those cute lil' fish that sneak up your urethra to lay eggs in your uterus, ooh, au naturel in the Amazon, ooh, Burnetto, close up on my sweet perky saline breasties as I rub them while modestly covering me nipples, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze - is that Rat Boy I hear wheezing and moaning from the bushes - oops, I think Shawna flashed a nipple. Okay, all this is not shown on TV in Singapore, but there are so many video clips on the internet if you care to look. I looked, if only to complete this recap, and I am still scarred from the experience. Saline implants are not sexy.

High D decides to go topless because the guys will never vote her out.

I must say, the Pretty Princesses are really good at this strategy stuff.

And this PSA against breast enlargement surgery is brought to you by SeeBS and Mark Burnetto.

And I think it's official: the Bride of Satan doesn't bathe. No surprises there.

Back at the Tampa Queens' camp, where the gigantic manboobs of King Dick and Rat Boy are 100% natural, Queen Elfreda and Dr Dave are scheming as they go fish together. Their scene is interspersed with Rat Boy shameless schmoozing Alex's ass. Queen Elfreda tells Dr Dave of Alex's alliance with the Two Old Farts with Rat Boy clinging on to them and tries to convince Dr Dave to join him and vote King Dick out. King Dick's personality, Queen Elfreda says, is worse than Danny Boy's. Maybe Queen Elfreda also offers to share Danny Boy with Dr Dave, but damn those censors, they always cut out the best stuff. Dr Dave and Queen Elfreda agree to keep this talk only between them.

Meanwhile, Rat Boy is calling Alex the best player. Oh please, Alex is trying too hard to play Ethan Zonker's strategy of being nice to everybody and let everybody kill each other until he is the last one standing.

Dr Dave is shocked. Gee, I mean, people are conspiring behind his back! Who would've thought that the men are turning on each other already? (Who indeed, ask my eyes as they study the ceiling.) I mean, with Rat Boy scurrying around like that so blatantly, who can be plotting and strategizing in this game, huh? Damn, Dr Dave, and you're a rocket scientist? What do you do, really - make sure NASA is spelled correctly on the uniform tags? Dr Dave is most surprised to learn of the Alex/Rat Boy alliance.

I wonder if this means that he and Queen Elfreda will work something out to counter the poisonous King Dick/Butch/Rat Boy/Alex alliance that is beginning to pick out the others one by one. At least the men are aware of this, as opposed to the idiot Pretty Princesses who seem unaware that three against four means that the three will definitely lose in a battle of the votes.

"But we're young and beautiful! We can't lose!"

"Sorry hon, we're older and gravity is on our side: we're sitting on you hard!"

Back to the men, Rat Boy snarks that Queen Elfreda and Dr Dave only manage to bring back three guppies. Queen Elfreda begins complaining that there are no spices and no "proper equipment" (good grief) to prepare a gourmet cuisine. Oh, Queen Elfreda, I know you are a good cook and a restaurant designer, whatever the last one is, but it is bad move to flaunt your "girly gay French ponce" side in a camp filled with insecure homophobic men. You have a death wish or something? I want you to survive the merge, form an unholy alliance with C Girl, pick everybody apart, win a million dollars and announce that you and C Girl are starting a colony for the hairy armpit and humongous nipple people of the world.

Rat Boy says that he has swallowed bigger fish in his fraternity. Er, Rat Boy, I hate to say this to you but (whisper) that wasn't fish. Did I shock you? You didn't know?! What, it was so dark that night? Oh, you poor thing!

Alex, who knew it wasn't fish all along but he doesn't have the heart to correct Rat Boy, says that Rat Boy is playing the goofy kid but he is on to Rat Boy, oh yes he is. Rat Boy is trying to persuade Alex to vote off King Dick, but Alex reveals that King Dick and his bitch Butch had approached him earlier to discuss voting off Danny Boy. Alex announces that he is the swing vote here. If he wants to maintain his heterosexuality, he really should stop saying that "swing" word so often.

Rat Boy is telling yet another Viagra joke. He thinks he is so funny, he misses the look Alex shares with King Dick. It's just a matter of time, Rat Boy. Nobody's fooled by your act.

At the Jamboree camp, the ladies are finally getting their act in order. Hippodeena, truly a queen, divides duties among the others as they sweep, clean, sharpen, fish, and cut. The women are in awe. Shawna says that Hippodeena may be bossy but she guesses that in this case, the Jamborees need to be bossed. I hope the Two Bitches' plan to axe Hippodeena backfires on them. If the Pretty Princesses see Hippodeena as their mother figure, the Two Bitches' days are numbered. C Girl, be smart please, and stick with Hippodeena.

The Jamborees manage to boil five pots of water, clears the debris from their camp, and they finally manage to use their bait to catch some fish. The Bride of Satan, predictably, shrieks the word "God" and "Jesus" like six million times before singing at the top of her voice. Never mind that annoying woman, it is heartening to see the ladies getting their act together, even if it is six days late in coming. Yo, girl power, people, girls rock!

The two tribes get tree mail. It's time for the Immunity Challenge. The missive's main point is "Coordinate as a team or face Tribal Council tonight".

C Girl is in a good mood. "I'm so excited," she jabbers and laughs. What an adorable lady. They'll kick the boys' butts, she promises - you wait and see, people! Boot camp music comes on as the Jamborees get down to business: donning their boots, checking their equipment (ahem), getting all psyched up.

The boys take out that wretched Magic Eight Ball and asks which girl will get with which guy. Whoever designed the penis must be overcompensating for the man's brainpower deficiency.

The Jamborees march in a single file to the Immunity Challenge spot.

King Dick asks the Magic Eight Ball whether Jenna will give an old, homophobic, racist freak who looks like curdled sour milk a look. Dr Dave asks if he and Shawna will ever get naked together, and the stupid thing flashes "It is certain" to him. Of course, the only way he will get naked with her is when Dr Dave is moaning on a bed and Shawna is slapping on her latex gloves for a "Get that candiru fish out of my rectum, please!" proctology examination, but he doesn't know that, the rocket scientist he is. At the Immunity Challenge spot, the men slouch up and grin stupidly as they puff up their chest to get the Jamborees to look at them. Pathetic, truly pathetic.

Jeff Proboscis points out that the guys have stuck some colored feathers on the Holy Sexy Idol of Good Powers. The Jamborees say that they will get rid of them the moment they (minus the Bride of Satan) get their hands on it.

The challenge revolves around the teams getting locked up in cages. They will first have to untie some knots in a specific order to release a machete. Then they must use the machete to cut some knots holding a wooden rod against the cage door. Once the rod is released, the bar can be used to fish the keys lying around the cage over so that they can unlock the various locks keeping them in. I guess Mark Burnetto is under orders to reuse the wooden cage prop as often as he can to cut down costs.

Thanks to Dr Dave's inability to chop the knots (he saws at the knots instead) with the machete, the Tampa Queens have problems getting the wooden rod free (heh, did I say that?). He presses his forehead against the cage, maybe recalling his physics lessons about torque, equilibrium, force balancing, F=ma, whatever, as the Jamborees dash out of their cages to swoop up another victory over the Tampa Queens. "Oh boys, you forget this!" And thus along with the feathers, the Jamborees hand over what is left of the Tampa Queen's dignity.

It is a fine day to be a woman.

"Believe in yourself!" So says the mocking banner of Butch as the guys wake up on day nine. Man, the Tampa Queens moan that they are licked. They sit together, dejected, under the shelter. Rat Boy says that he will ally with the alliance with the most numbers. Danny Boy asks Alex if he's going, and Alex says that he is. When Alex votes with the Two Old Farts, Rat Boy will also throw his weight with them. Knowing this, Danny Boy probably tells Queen Elfreda later and Queen Elfreda tells Dr Dave, I think, as later Danny Boy will be voted unanimously off the island.

At the Tribal Council, Rat Boy and Dr Dave complain that they are hungry. Their fish were smaller than those the Jamborees caught. Apparently it took Queen Elfreda and Dr Dave eight hours to catch the three guppies. Is this because they have no bait? Why not use those guppies as baits for bigger fish then? Idiots, them all, I tell you.

Danny Boy talks about being ocstracized but waxes lyrical about Queen Elfreda and how they share a bond and talk in Mandarin and all. Camera pans to Queen Elfreda's horrified face (pure comic moment) as Danny Boy inadvertently plants a target on Queen Elfreda's back. There will be repercussions, as next week's preview will show. I think we can say that Queen Elfreda and Danny Boy will no longer be an item after this incident.

But more stupidly, Danny Boy has forced Queen Elfreda to vote for him - Queen Elfreda has to or be marked off even more severely as the next to go. Unless he and Dr Dave work something out, both men are doomed anyway. In fact, all of them are doomed unless they vote off the annoying cancer that is Rat Boy.

So Danny Boy gets to go. In his parting words, he says that King Dick should stop making payments on his reality check. Or something. He must be distraught over losing after playing so badly in this game. But it doesn't matter, I'm sure. Ryan awaits with open arms in the Loser Lodge, so I guess this is a happy ending of sorts for Danny Boy.

Bye Danny Boy. I'll miss your steroid showcase torso and your baby face cuteness, but all's fair in love and life. You're stupid, so you're booted off. Bye!

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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