Amazon Episode 2: Storms

Last week in Survivor Moronica: the women of Jamborees have no food, no shelter, not enough wood, a little fire, and no hope. This week in Survivor Moronica: the women of Jamborees still have no food, no shelter, not enough wood, a little fire, and no hope. Judging from the nudity-infested previews next week, the Jamborees will still have no food, no shelter, not enough wood, a little fire, and no hope. But they have lots of panty soup and time to kill chasing after the mysterious Granola Grabber. And the week after: women of the world beg Mark Burnetto to leave the useless bunch of idiots to fend for themselves in Rio Negro and never let them blight civilization again.

Also, Hosannah, the newly baptized Bride of Satan, has the honors of not just being a loathsome, despicable, hypocritical, and down right idiotic zealot, she is the only contestant to see her popularity on the official site poll shrink from a high seventy-something percent to a twenty three percent and falling. The men of the Tampa Queens have pulled together nicely, but the Jamborees, like a bunch of stereotypical idiot women who can't put aside petty feelings for the greater goal, are falling apart day by day. Maybe one day someone will take mercy and drop a Holiday Inn on their incompetent heads.

The episode starts with a scene of a crocodile. A sloth scratches his privates. Day four has started in Jamboree camp, and Janet says that they still have no shelter. The camera pans of the women half-heartedly trying to chop wood. The manioc floor has maggots in it, and they don't know how to cook them properly. And oh yeah, the taste is awful. High D reasons that they are just pulled apart by so many equally important priorities, such as they need time to get water, make fire, chop wood, eat, boil panties and buffs, chase after the Granola Grabber, pounce on C Girl, discuss whackjob theology, stare at the sky on lazy afternoons, and moan to the cameras that life suck and ohmigosh, Amazon is like, so hard. Yeah, so many priorities. I hope a capibara will come and terrorize them all. Queen Hippodeena designates one person for fire, one person for log, and another water. Jeanne says that they need a leader. We see the girls arguing about how high the (yet to be built) shelter roof should be. Shawna moans that they are not surviving but hey, at least they are still together.

Holy macaroni, do these women think they are applying for High School Reunion or something? How on earth could they be so woefully unprepared? No camping skills, not even realizing that they can use kerosene to start a freaking fire, no fishing skills, just bitch bitch bitch all day long? These aren't the underdogs, these are bitches that should be put out of their misery by simultaneously booting all eight of their incompetent bums in one Tribal Council!

I want to lie down now. I am so humiliated by representatives of my own sex on TV. Wait, these are not human beings. These are mutant walking capibaras! There, I feel so much better and start throwing popcorns and peanuts on the TV.

In Tampa Queen, my first husband Alex says that the men have finally figured out how to make gourment manioc cakes and they are enjoying themselves. "It's pretty cool!" he says. My, these men can cook while those women can't. At least this show breaks down one sexual stereotype. King Roger, whom I would divorce were I his wife, says that the last few days have been embarrassing. My second husband Dr Dave says that they have been settling down nicely and the camera pans on the sullen Danny Boy sitting at the back of the shelter, trying to make himself invisible. Poor Danny Boy, he must be missing his darling Ryan a lot. Don't worry hon, you'll be joining Ryan soon in the Loser Lodge, I'm dead sure of it.

Storm clouds gather over the horizon. Queen Elfreda is shirtless and channeling fifteen TV cable stations from each of his nipple while Rat Boy lies down on the shelter and spreads his legs. Eeuw. Then the storm finally breaks. The men huddle under the shelter and Alex says that while maybe it drips inside a little from the roof, all in all the men are dry.

Hysterical laughter from me as we look at the Jamborees drenched and trying to save their fire by covering it with huge leaves. Shawna pulls her raincoat thing closer around her and moans that she is so cold right now. And I am so warm watching you suffer. The camera pans in on the half-finished floor of the shelter, and I break into another round of hysterical laughter.

What do these women actually do all day long for four days now?

When the storm calms, it's time for the Reward Challenge. Jeff Proboscis is standing there in yet another boring denim/khaki outfit. Oh dear, Probby, don't you know you have to dress up for your audience? The freaks this season are so idiotic, the least you can do is to provide some much-needed male mojo this season. How's your darling Colbster? Maybe we can bring him out to cohost with you. It'll be like Joan Crawford and her daughter. Or maybe not. Anyway, he says that this challenge will test how well these people communicate, blissfully unaware that this is just what they have been demonstrating to us audience all along, ie they cannot communicate even if God telegraphs "You are all stupid!" across the sky in neon colors. The challenge is yet another stupid time-waster. Everyone gets into pairs, gets tied up together and blindfolded too, except one guy who will be the seeing-eye dog. Pieces of the puzzle are scattered all around, so it's up to the seeing-eye dog to bark instructions for the others to follow.

The reward? Fish bait. The Jamborees are noticeably excited. They'll need the bait alright, because seeing how incompetent they are, they may soon just have to eat those bait pieces raw just to survive.

Predictably, C Girl sits out.

I wonder what will happen if the gals were the ones at the Tribal Council last week and today C Girl cannot sit out. It will be hilarious, won't it? Keep up these puzzles, Burnetto, and watch as people write flames to CBS calling you a discriminating asshole against Poor Little Deaf Girl here once they send C Girl packing.

Not that I want to see C Girl packing. I want to see her turn out to be the uberbitch this season that will tear Hosannah the Bride of Satan a new one later on. She's not bad, actually, C Girl, if she gets her priorities in order and stop being so willing to be a victim.

I saw that Alex has a scorpion tattoo on his back, at his left shoulder. Ooh, sexy.

Anyway, the Bride of Satan represents the Jamboree - how apt - while Butch represents the Tampa Queens. Unfortunately, it is soon evident that Butch only knows King Roger's name. "Dave... uh, Daniel? Uh... no (who is that one?) Rob? Sorry! Oops! Dave, Dave - I mean - " he would go and the men have fun crashing into each other or tripping over pieces of wood because they have no idea what that idiot is saying to them. Butch must be a lousy school principal in real life. This will teach him to stop spending time smooching with only King Roger. Spread the love around, Butchie, love your fellow men! Or learn their names, at least. Anonymous one-nighters do not befit a man your age and maturity.

The Bride of Satan has no problem barking out orders. "High steps! Ten steps to the left! Come to my voice!" she will go, the school guidance counselor from hell, and needless to say, the Jamborees win this thing easy. C Girl jumps to her feet and does a strange windmill dance, where she swings her arms three sixty on their sockets and calls out, "We're having dinner tonight!"

Ladies, please. At least barbecue those worms before eating them, okay?

"If what I know about the Amazons are true, you will be eating well tonight," Probby tells the Jamborees as he hands them their dinner. Oh, that man is so funny sometimes. The Jamborees punch fist and the Bride of Satan is happy to take the jar of baits. After all, it isn't an idol and so Jesus will still love her after she touches that thing. The Tampa Queens watch in disbelief, their testicles shrinking to ten times their previous size, as they lose the second time in a row to a bunch of hopelessly inept and incompetent whinebags. Maybe they should all wear nametags until they get each other's name straight.

Night time, still day four. King Roger, who is fast turning into a King Dick in my opinion, announces that he is not accustomed to losing to women. "It's not my personality." It's not in your personality to be even remotely likeable, so shut up on the chauvinist yammerings, you twit. I hope the wife wises up after watching this show and makes you take out the trash, hang her undergarments to dry in the lawn in bright daylight, and buy tampons for the ladies of the whole family for life. Dr Dave says that well, seven guys don't want to lose to a bunch of girls. Davey, hon, if you see just how inept the girls are, you'll kill yourself in shame. Alex talks about them being pressured to win. In the background, Danny Boy blinks, probably missing his momma and wanting to go home where everybody doesn't hate him for humping on logs and loving it too much. Dr Dave concludes by saying that maybe they need to take a deep breath - they'll be alright.

Morning, day five. The Jamborees are awake. Still not dead yet. Sigh.

"Good catch, is it?" C Girl yammers.


The manioc has maggots. Still, they cook and eat it. Janet says that mentally, she can handle this game but physically, "it's taking its toll". Gee, Janet, maybe next time you shouldn't so easily dismiss what you see on TV as fake. This game really is tough. There are really horrible creatures and thunderstorms, Janet, and yes, there are no hotels or hot showers in the Amazon jungle! Really. The National Geographics specials aren't lying. Now go home and tell your students that life really is a jungle out there. Twit.

Jenna is wearing a stupid straw hat and a pair of shades. It is one thing for Jerri Mantis to wear a blue two-piece in Australia and looks good in it, but what the heck is Jenna doing with that straw hat and shades in the Amazon? Does she want to look good when an anaconda swallows her? Idiot. She tells the camera that there is no food but the mood is high because of their recent victory. I guess they must be really high to be happy when despite having weathered a bad thunderstorm, they still aren't building a shelter for themselves. Will it take fatal pneumonia to drive some sense into these morons?

They try to fish. It's pathetic. Jeanne's great strategy is to throw the line into the river and pray for a fish to bite. There are fish in the river, plenty actually, but none is stupid enough to bite the bait. Finally she catches a fish, cheers, drops the line, and the fish swims away. Fish 1, Human 0. Jesus weeps in Heaven, eh, Bride of Satan?

The camera shows a crocodile wading into the river. Eat them all and end my misery, croc, please.

At the Tampa Queen's side, Alex and King Dick - no more Roger, he's King Dick now - are discussing homosexuality. I don't know about anyone else, but I have not encountered any straight guys who will willingly discuss this topic with another guy unless they are competing in college debate. Verdict? Alex must be at least curious while King Dick must be terrified by his rumbling sexy feelings for all those hard-muscled manmeat around him that the latter must vehemently enforce his Sceptre of Mighty Heterosexuality on Alex. Wait, that comes out in a way that will make King Dick swallow. Yikes, did I say that?

Anyway, King Dick is going on and on about how if "they" let him be, he will let "them" be. Fair enough, because I'm sure most gay men out there will rather drown in sulfuric acid than to play with King Dick after watching this show. But King Dick then proceeds to go on about how sex should be for procreative purposes only. Alex stumps him by declaring that then King Dick must have had sex only twice in his life, since he had two kids.

I love Alex. I want to have his babies. See, King Dick? By respecting gay folks, you can win the love of intelligent, vivacious heterosexual women out there easy. But it's your loss, King Dick, and oh yes, you're an ass.

Rat Boy grins gleefully as he watches from the sidelines. He tells the camera that he now knows to win Alex over in his coup against King Dick. Thing is, Rat Boy isn't even being subtle about this and he seems more eager to have an audience to admire his plans than to play low and scheme. I expect that he will flame out spectacularly like Boston Rahb in Marquesas. These self-professed schemers are never as devious as they think they are, and I don't think Rat Boy will be any different.

Danny Boy, still sporting that deer caught in headlight look, slinks into the background, hoping to disappear. Aww, poor thing.

Night falls. A crocodile watch from the depths of the shallow river as the Jamborees pick wood just a few feet away. Bite, bite, bite! Alas, no bite.

The sexy Immunity Idol looms over at night, looking like Hugh Jackman, only sexier and with more body hair, and the Bride of Satan stares it, horrified because we all know the sexy Idol is good while she is an evil spawn who is afraid of the powers of light and goodness. She may even be a vampiress for all we know. I mean, look at her hand!

That stupid bitch proceeds to preach and rant that idolatory is evil and that statue is evil. Queen Hippodeena says that that bitch is insistent that the sexy Idol of Holy Goodness must go. That is why she keeps on and on even after someone - Shawna? - sleepily begs her to preach in a whisper. But no, Bride of Satan says that unlike some religion (note to the Bride of Satan: by the way, Buddhists don't worship idols either, idiot), her Holy God thing disapproves of the idol thing.

What freaking ever.

I mean, look. Whatever she thinks of the idol, fine. But what the heck is she doing then, coming onto this show and then complaining about the idol? Every pre-merge immunity thing so far has been an idol. So what the heck is this Bride of Satan complaining about? Also, I think it is obnoxious of her to act as if everyone with her is a Christian or someone who must listen to her evangelize. It is as if just because she is among Americans, these Americans must then be Christians who will love it if she conducts prayer circles or shrieks "Thank you God!" or breaks into hymn every other minute. She completely loses me when she says that the storm came because her God is angry about the idol. Yeah, you stupid woman, it rains only over the Jamboree camp and God really cares about you fools trying to win a million dollars for your own selfish, materialistic purposes. Bride of Satan, here's a ladder - get over yourself!

It's just a stupid wooden thing Mark Burnetto probably bought at some souvenir store for a few dollars. It is not as if they are conducting ritual sacrifices to that sexy idol. Does the Bride of Satan watch American Idol? Maybe we should tell her the bad news: she's in a show called Survivor, not Joe Evangelism. Maybe Jesus misdirected the Fed-Ex man carrying Bride of Satan's application.

She's lucky I'm not in the camp. Maybe one of the girls will deliberately stuff the Idol next to the Bride of Satan so that she will have a lovely new boyfriend to greet her in the morning. If I'm in the tribe, the Idol will be shoved down her throat and then the ratings will soar and break the roof.

I hate these psychotic evengalist sorts that deliberately place themselves in an environment where they are required to lie and cheat only to raise holy fuss about their "integrity" and in the case of Bride of Satan, "God". Shut up, woman, you are making Vecepia the InVeeSible coming off like a charm compared to your crazed rantings.

Commercial break. I hope someone has brained that woman with the Idol while I'm making myself some sandwich in the kitchen.

Morning, day six. Nope, still nobody has died in Jamboree.

C Girl and Jeanne decide to talk while collecting wood. Since C Girl can't read lips at night, she misses the entire Bride of Satan's sermon during the night, and she innocently asks Jeanne to recap the conversation. So Jeanne does. I wonder if the sneaky woman deliberately lead C Girl to a spot where Bride of Satan can overhear, but that's what that Satanic creature does when C Girl blurts out that Bride of Satan's paranoia is so stupid.

The Bride of Satan flies off the handle and starts screeching at C Girl for daring to talk smack behind her back. My loathing turns into outright hatred when that bitch shoves her palm at C Girl's face, knowing full well that C Girl needs to read her lips if C Girl is to follow what she is saying. What a despicable bitch! That action from the Bride of Satan is not only over-the-top and her hysterical screechings way out of line, that hand is an invasion of personal space and in fact, outright evil. "Don't get into my face," the Bride of Satan has the temerity to screech at C Girl before stomping away.

"I will not let it bother me," C Girl says but she has to wipe at her eyes.

Janet, listening all this while, could not meet her eyes.

C Girl tells the camera that if the Bride of Satan sees herself as a vessel of Christ, the least the Bride of Satan could do is to be a little nicer. Damn right, C Girl. Of all that talk about God-fearing Idol-hating, the Bride is all about the nastiness. Take my advice: tonight, take the Idol and shove it down the Bride of Satan's throat. The next time that bitch puts the hand on you, you walk away. Stand up for yourself, girl, and stop letting yourself be a victim!

A capibara. A snake. Scenes of nature from Mark Burnetto, if only to remind everybody of the more intelligent lifeforms in the Amazons.

During the storm previously, the Jamborees stuff all their belongings in the Community Barrel. Now they open it, pulling out everything from ugly grey teddy bears to everything but their brains and - gasp! Is that Granola bar at the bottom of the barrel? Scandal! Shocking!

Um, nice one, Burnetto. Not only have you planted this thing - come on, I know you did! - to drive these idiots into greater turmoil, you also manage to sneak in a product placement thing. Buy Granola bars, people - the food of idiot women everywhere!

The Granola Grabber has struck! So who is the Granola Grabber?

"Who brought this?" Jenna demands. Apparently it is not fair that someone is munching on power bars when the rest are starving. Because, you see, we must be united in stupidity. This is how cults work, I guess, only this particular cult is leaderless and hence is like a chicken with its head cut off. And then the Bride of Satan takes a stick and uses it to fling a good Granola bar into the fire!

I gape. Not just because apparently now the Bride of Satan has declared that it is a sin to touch Granola bars, but because these idiotic starving women have once more gotten rid of free food. How do they know that the Granola Grabber hasn't left the bar there out of pity for these idiot women? Maybe Santa Claus does exist. High D reveals that she is just as stupid as the rest of them by saying that it's not fair to eat it. After all, the guys don't have the Granola either. Well, dear, the guys also have shelter, food, wood (not that kind of wood!), and a pecking order. Tell me about fairness when you're all dying of starvation because the Amazon is like ohmigosh so tough.

Jeanne, who can give Rat Boy a few pointers about playing sneaky, plants in the Bride of Satan suspicions that Janet is the one who brought in the Granola. Yeah, that poor dying gran is eating Granola bars - that's why Janet is so tough - ka-pow! And of course, our Christian charitable Bride of Satan immediately spreads the word around for a stoning, naturally behind Janet's back. Because being upfront to clear the matter is not something Jesus will do in situations like this.

If it does rain away, Baby Jesus must really be weeping because nutcases like this bitch is getting on TV and driving the fear of God in all the wrong ways into the hearts of viewers.

Tree mail at the Tampa Queen camp. Queen Elfreda says that Brazilians can now get UPN thanks to his amazing satellite dish nipples. I mean, he says for the first time in this episode that the guys really want to win this Immunity Challenge or their weenies will drop off altogether. Shirtless Alex is with him. Mmmm, shirtless Alex is so what I need after the horrible shennigans at the tribe of idiots called Jamboree. Queen Elfreda, Nipples That Covered Tasmania aside, also has a pretty nice body. I hope they show these guys in Speedos soon, hopefully next week in the Porno Flesh Fest Dating Episode that they hinted at the trailers at the end of this episode.

Immunity time. Jeff Proboscis, still boring - come on, man, show us some skin! - is standing in what seems like a mock tribal settlement. This challenge will test their observational skills and memories, he tell the contestants. The freaks are given two minutes to explore the shelter, the pig farm, and the artistically arranged pile of fruits and roots before being quizzed. If the Jamborees are smart, they will also take note on how the shelter is built and follow it when they get home, but then again, they aren't smart, are they?

Shawna sits out on this one. I guess it must be tough trying to pick "the stupid one" to sit out when your tribe is all-round stupid like the Jamborees. Or maybe they just go "Eeny meeny mo".

The contestants walk out one by one to write on a board the answers to Probby's question. No looking back to ask for help from one's tribemates. The questions ask for numbers of objects, such as the number of rungs on the ladder, number of pigs in the pen (Butch gets this one correct - he's better at remembering pigs than his tribemates' names), blah blah blah. It's very rivetting to watch how the women predictably can't get their brain cells to work and get slaughtered by the men, six-four. (Jenna, High D, Hippodeena, and Jeanne are the only ones who remember some things at least from their surroundings.)

Woo! Tampa Queens win Immunity! Woo! The men are noticeably guarded in their exuberance. Woo! Stupid malnourished women lost! Bet everybody didn't see that one coming.

Happy now, Bride of Satan? You don't have to feel violated by the Idol of Purity anymore. Just think, if you can persuade the tribe to keep losing every week just to keep God happy, you'll have nothing to fear anymore! So now go back and say fifty "Hail Mary" to Baby Jesus, Bride of Satan, because you lost. One of you is going home, and yes, I will be praying that it is your deluded ass that will be sent packing home in a rotten leaky boat along a river infested with ravenous atheist piranhas.

Day six, morning. Good morning, Jamboree. Did God visit your camp last night now that the Idol is gone? Maybe He would have performed a miracle and today nobody will be going to the Tribal Council, Bride of Satan will win a million dollars (tax free), and she and God will set up the all-new BURN-IN-HELL-IDOL-LOVERS TV evangelist cable channel. Every Sunday morning there will live-telecast of gory but necessary Inquisitions conducted by yours truly, the Bride of Satan. I bet the world can't wait for the Bride of Satan to get it on, yes?

C Girl is chopping wood and demanding for the others to help her. Why is this woman acting like a petulant kid? She's an university graduate. Does she want to be evicted? She tells the camera that she is working with the laziest tribe ever. Hippodeena counters to the camera that she is just taking a break from working when C Girl gives them all the evil eye and starts ragging on them for being lazy. In the end, she goes out to chop some wood and then tosses them at C Girl's feet. The other women also begin reluctantly to work, but at that point C Girl stops and announces that she wants to go fishing. You can cut the quiet anger among the other women as Jeanne tells C Girl in a tight voice to get the bait and lines and go fish on her own.

C Girl tells the camera that they are excluding her and that Jenna hasn't spoken to her at all since the beginning of the show. Damn it girl, what do you expect from shallow types like Jenna who are here only to jumpstart a movie career? If she doesn't talk to you, you make her talk to you. Say hi. If she doesn't answer back, try harder. If they walk away, you follow them. Work with them. Be lazy with them and bitch only to the camera. Please, I like you, you are the sanest of the bunch here, so don't get voted off this early just because you like being a victim too much. Get some spine girl, think of the money, and if Jenna or High D don't care to talk to you, then talk to Jeanne and Hippodeena.

Hippodeena says that if C Girl goes, it's because of her attitude, not because of her disability.

C Girl, you hear that? Don't lose your few potential allies in this game and let the Bride of Satan chew you up and spit you out because you leave yourself vulnerable.

Janet wonders whether C Girl or she will go tonight at the Tribal Council. She knows that strategically, she should vote for C Girl (uhm, no, if you're toast, it doesn't matter who you vote for, dear) but she's voting for Jeanne because Jeanne tells everybody that Janet is the Granola Grabber. She also holds a pow-wow to say that she isn't the Granola Grabber. Personally, if I'm sure my fate is sealed, I would unleash a tirade of choice words on them all, especially on Jeanne and the Bride of Satan, but that's just me.

Tribal Council - night. It's not raining. See, Bride of Satan? God is happy you are all at the Tribal Council.

Probby is all snarks tonight, that lovable rascal. He asks Janet if there are some person that you look to for support. She answers that the Bride of Satan is a stable woman (hahaha!) who can be counted on for strength. Of course, it's easy for her to say, as if she goes, she doesn't have to fear that the Bride of Satan will decide that they are all heretics and it's time for an Inquisition.

Probby asks Hippodeena about the shelter. She gives the same old nonsense about needing time to get fire, wood, et cetera, and the idiot Bride of Satan chimes in: "Yes, yes" Probby nods but when the idiot women are done, he points out that it seems as if the women have no plans. No plans? Try no brains, Probby.

He asks C Girl what she thinks should be their biggest priority. I wince as C Girl unleashes an most unwise tirade about how she slaved hard to build a shelter while the others play and make thong soup.

Sensing the possibility of a PR coup ("Deaf Girl Wins Survivor!") slipping away, Probby hastily tries to plug in on the cracks in C Girl's gameplay. He asks whether she feels excluded, of which she answers yes. She doesn't know what is going on, she complains, and she isn't told anything. (To which I silently tell her, girl, you go swallow your pride and ask them, follow them, be their puppy if you must - it's all strategy. Anything but exclusion - Lone Rangers die fast in this game.) Having set the stage to manipulate the others not to vote for C Girl by playing the guilt card, Probby moves in for the kill. He asks Jenna - hoity-toity bikini craggle-front-toothed Heathers A1 bitch Jenna! - if they are deliberately excluding C Girl. I give a hoot of laughter at this: oh Probby, you evil man! From Jenna's pinched-face look as she sees the trap looming before her, I think Probby has at least done what little he could to divert the idiot women's attention from C Girl.

All this while the Bride of Satan is trying to cut in and mutter aspersions about C Girl. Someone please smack her mouth with the Bible. I think the bitch is forgetting her ten commandments.

In the end, voting time. High D votes for Janet, using the mercy expulsion reasoning. She votes in sync with Hippodeena, Jeanne, Jenna, and Shawna. I wonder if these women are in an alliance. Janet of course votes for Jeanne ("You can't stop and you're too aggressive"), while C Girl votes for "Jena", once using showing that she is getting way too overemotional. Not that I blame her, but C Girl, you focus on the money and you go kiss toes and lose your sense of ethics or pride if you have to. One million dollars, C Girl, and think of the looks on Jenna and Bride of Satan's face when you win!

Bride of Satan votes for C Girl. Of course, she can't blaspheme her beloved Jesus by writing "Christ" in vain, so she has to spell C Girl's name as "Krystie". Seriously, who dragged this creature from the zealotry trailer park? She's a guidance counselor in school? How many kids has she driven to suicide? Does she teach her children to push their hands into the faces of the people they are arguing with? What happens when her kids decide to audition for American Idol? I can't believe nobody voted for this horrid creature to be kicked off.

Anyway, Janet's out. She tells middle-aged women out there experiencing midlife crisis to stick to changing their hairstyles instead of going camping to the Amazons with two Heathers bitches (jury's still out on Shawna), the Bride of Satan, a professional victim, a lying sneak, and a bossy tarmagant. Personally, I prefer watching Survivor Amazon and mocking them mercilessly on my personal website but thanks anyway, Janet.