SURVIVOR

Amazon Episode 4: Trapped

This is one fascinating episode, if a bit slow moving. Thinking about it, this episode becomes even more interesting because of the huge amount of speculative material. Yes, I probably need to go out more, but with this season shaping up to be best since the original season, I have fun dissecting this one.

For example, in this episode, the entire dynamics of the Jamboree tribe is laid wide open. Does this mean that this tribe will be eaten alive by the Tampa Queens on the Pagong buffet after the merge? I can't see why else Burnetto will let us in on the Jamboree dynamics so early at this stage of the game. Of course, tribe dynamics can change - or not - but as it is, right now the Pretty Princesses alliance are rock solid with wild cards Hippodeena and C Girl trying to fit in. It's like a high school clique all over again led by three delusional creatures who believe themselves "cute". I sincerely hope that Hippodeena and C Girl know what they are doing.

After the credits have rolled, the camera pans in on Jamboree. Morning, day ten. Oh no, Shawna has finally kicked the bucket during the night... oh wait, her lips move. Then we see the other women all sleeping, mouths wide open in the midst of snoring to invite the flies to fly in and lay some eggs in their tooth cavities. Except there is a sound of someone sharpening her machete. Oh no, it's the Bride of Satan! She has a wild-eyed crazy look - with the Idol of Sexy Goodness back in their camp, has the Bride snapped and started hearing voices in the head telling her to behead the "heretical infidels"? "Lordy lordy, good day, Amazon!" she says and I sigh in disappointment. No beheading today.

She and Jeanne are all up and ready with their gear. Apparently they have decided to wake up before the rest and collect water and wood and start a fire, et cetera. They aren't being quiet about this: Bride of Satan can raise a holy din with her machete while Jeanne has fun pretending that firewood is her trampoline. Thwack! Crack! Thwack!

Finally, Shawna opens a sickly-looking eye thanks to the din. She murmurs that the Two Bitches are driving the rest of the tribe (read: her) crazy by bossing everybody around or giving them the evil eye when they believe that the Pretty Princesses, One Manly Bodyguard, and One Deaf Gal are not throwing their weight enough. I scratch my head. What happened to the Two Bitches' nefarious plan to let Hippodeena boss everybody around and get herself booted off? I guess their plan has really backfired and Hippodeena has become Hot Mama D with the Pretty Princesses. Even so, it's really stupid, if you ask me, for the Two Bitches to so openly flaunt their alliance. Two against the world is not exactly a very smart thing to do, unless you're Superman and Batman, but I don't think the Two Bitches are even close to being invincible, no matter how much the Bride of Satan believes that God wants her to be a millionaire like she said in the papers.

High D tells the camera that she is here to play the game. She'll take a breather and a nap and she guarantees that she will be ahead of the game compared to everyone else. Tell that to those lazybums Gervase and Brandon, you stupid woman. You know what, I think High D is too mild a nickname for her. How about "Heidi Ho"? Nah, too obvious. Hopefully I'll think of something as I go along.

Let's take a peek at the Tampa Queens and leave the Jamborees to their catfighting. Hello, naked torso. Good morning, Dr Dave and Queen Elfreda, my future toyboys! Nice firm torso you two have. What is that boring Butch doing sandwiched between you two on the boat? Get lost, Butch - someone toss him overboard and leave the scenery untainted by saggy male flesh and other uglies, out! I'll just pretend he is not there. Mmm, Dr Dave. Ooh Queen Elfreda. "Shirtless, touch me in the morning..." - is that how that song went?

The guys are fishing. They want more fish. I guess Rat Boy swallowed all the fish in their camp. Dr Dave says that it is not easy trying to feed seven guys in the Camp - they must get food quick. Mentally I do a headcount. No, there are six men left in the tribe. Butch, King Dick, Rat Boy, Dr Dave, Queen Elfreda, Alex: one, two, three, four, five, six. Mark Burnetto must be showing Dr Dave's confessionals out of context. That or the guys are still missing Danny Boy so much that they have bundled and tied leaves and twigs together to resemble a life-sized man and pretended that the ugly thing is Danny Boy who has never left. Everyone fights to get to sleep with "Danny Boy" every night. This is what you get when you leave a tribe of men to fend for themselves in the Amazon. They do funny things to each other.

By the way, Dr Dave is starting to look really hot on the eyes. That lazy way he speaks, that indolent twinkle in his eyes, yummy. I guess when one is desparate for eye candy, even Bill Gates can turn into Pierce Brosnan in one's eyes. Besides, Dr Dave is a rocket scientist. That means he's good at getting a powerful ignition going and the lift-off is always superb, I bet. I think I need to study rocket science a little more closely. Physics has suddenly become most interesting.

Dr Dave launches into some really bad poetry about he and the fish. I laugh. I'm such a fool for a pretty face and a big rocket launcher. The other two men laugh weakly. Hey, you two, I'm the first in line. Wait for your turn!

The guys come home. Camera pans on full frontal torsal nudity that is Dr Dave's magnificent launch strip, complemented by the two huge satellite dishes on Queen Elfreda's equally impressive torso. No wonder guys love that rocket science, big missiles, and bigger rockets thing. I'm starting to see the appeal. I will never doubt Elton John's infinite wisdom again when he sings about how rocket men are burning out the fuse and how it is always a long, long time until touchdown brings them around again to find that they are not the men they think they are at home.

Disappointed at the lack of fish and too ashamed to admit that they prefer oysters to fish, the men decide to look for bait. Poor Rat Boy screams as he is pounced by his tribemates. Kidding. The men decide to look for worms. Hey, that's Rat Boy, the biggest and ugliest earthworm of them all. But I guess it'll be a bit hard to use Rat Boy to fish, so the men decide to dig up for worms. Queen Elfreda decides to just dig around their camp, but the other men, leery of bending over in the presence of Queen Elfreda, walk off to dig for worms - real worms, okay? - somewhere else. Poor Queen Elfreda bends over alone.

That's okay, Queen Elfreda says. His ego can handle it. I like this guy. How big exactly is that ego? He is aware that he is being excluded deliberately because of his close bonds with now-booted Danny Boy and Ryan. He needs a new gameplan, and he's thinking one up fast. He walks around, collecting leaves and all, a pure prime piece of dark satyr of the Amazon. Too bad he looks scarier than he's actually is. I'm starting to think that Queen Elfreda is actually a toothless kitten underneath his Dark Adolph facade. I guess I'll have to look for my evil, cunning, villain elsewhere. Still, this guy is hot. We'll see how he goes in the next few episodes to determine whether I should revoke his Queenly status.

The Tampa Queens find many tiny worms. Rat Boy's worm is the puniest in size. Dr Dave screams as he is almost stung by a baby scorpion (Alex, behave!). I'm suddenly glad that I didn't went through that plan with my friends when I was in college to barge into the boys' locker room to get some pictures.

Fleeing the Tampa Queens' worm-hunting, the cameramen show us what the Jamborees are up to all this while. Bride of Satan is caterwauling holy as she brings back a fish. High D is not impressed. Looking like Cruela de Vil's evil pomeranian, she compares the Two Bitches as "older and bigger women who want to work and who have more fat to burn" (what the - ) compared to the Pretty Princesses, who are the "cute ones who are more like the stay at home types" (what the hell?). I look at her acne-covered face, rat-like facial bone structure, Daffy Duck voice, and poodle from hell hair and adjust the TV's contrast a little. Nope, it's not my TV. She's still ugly. I wonder where that "I'm cute!" thing is coming from. Hmm.

The Bride of Satan, not content with being a sanctimonious bitch, decides to help the others set up a target on her chest by gathering them all close and preach about how the Lord values hard work and how in the end, beauty fades (Jenna gives her a subtle flip of the head at this one) and only character counts in the end. She just has to add, "My body is in its natural state" - a dig on the ballast balloons in the Pretty Princesses' chest, no doubt. I don't know why she is doing this, maybe Bride of Satan means well, but I'm sure even the most zealous evangelists should know that you don't preach the word of the Lord to bloody heathens like the Pretty Princesses. It's like telling cannibals to turn to a vegan lifestyle.

High D sniffs and says that she does not know where Bride of Satan is coming from at all - the Bride is probably just picking on the Pretty Princesses because the latter are cute and hot. Jenna adds that we shouldn't hate her and the rest of the Pretty Princesses because they have great bodies. She says that women can be so hard to get along with - how she wishes there are men she can manipulate in her tribe! Not that I advocate violence outside the confines of this website, but at that point I really wish TV is interactive and I can reach out and knock those two stupid delusional shallow women's heads together in a loud crack!, or rather, maybe a hollow thonk!, more likely.

Actually, if these idiots will open their eyes, they will realize that the Bride of Satan is more beautiful than all three of them combined. The Bride has better muscle tone (my hubby thinks her abs are pretty sexy), better facial structure, and she is way more charismatic than all three whining minnies here combined.

And High D is a physical ed instructor? How many chubby and plain girls under her charge has she driven to anorexia or worse? "Class, today we will play dodgeball, and all you pretty girls can stand one side and you - fatty deaf non-WASP ugly, yes, you! - you will be target as usual!"

The Pretty Princesses end up fishing together. High D says that it is only natural that pretty gals stick together - aargh, I want to really kick her scraggly pomeranian skeevy skank ass in the eye! Shawna is noticeably silent and even sickly as Jenna and High D prattle on about their delusional imaginary hotness. The only thing hot here is the level of annoyance I am experiencing. Still, realizing that three against four is still three against four no matter what, High D decides to enlist Hippodeena to their side.

After they approach her, Hippodeena tells me that she agrees to ally herself with them. She knows she has nothing in common with them, but she believes she can handle the Pretty Princesses better than she can deal with the tightly-bonded Two Bitches.

I notice that nowhere in this discussion does anyone even consider C Girl in their scheme of things.

At first it seems that Hippodeena aligning herself with the Pretty Princesses seems an awful mistake. But hubby and I have pondered over this and I think she may have done the right thing. The Pretty Princesses behave more favorably towards Hippodeena compared to the way the Two Bitches behave, and besides, Shawna is under the weather and should she get voted out - and I think she will soon - Hippodeena will be even more important to the Pretty Princesses. Besides, Hippodeena is not stupid. She sees through the Two Bitches' plan in "initiating" her as a leader, and I'm confident that she will hold her own among the Pretty Princesses.

Likewise, Hippodeena has another weapon: C Girl, who is fast becoming the Shii Devil of this tribe (read: wild card tribe outcast who, if courted right, can become a valuable ally and swing vote). Hippodeena may be fourth wheel in this current alliance, but I think she will have no problems calling the shots later. As for C Girl, this is a win-win solution: Hippodeena can be her key to finding some safety among the Pretty Princesses, thus protecting her from the Two Bitches. I hope she and Hippodeena can find a way to establish themselves, because there's no way this current alliance is anything but temporary. Once the men move in after the merge, watch as the Pretty Princesses latch on to Dr Dave, Alex, and - I don't know, Rat Boy? - somebody. Unless I'm greatly mistaken about these Pretty Princesses, there is no way they will stay united with Hippodeena, C Girl, and the Two Bitches and prevent the Great Pagong of their former tribe.

Jeez, it just hit me: this show is in danger of turning into Big Brother 3, where the men easily divide the fickle, shallow women and cannibalize them one by one, that is, until Lisa sees the light and aligns herself with the only sane - if fatally stupid - woman, Danielle, to stop Evil King Roddy's gameplan of seduction. I really hope Jenna, High D, and Shawna's alliance to each other is deeper than I suspect. I want to see a woman win this thing.

It is morning, day eleven. We see piranhas swimming in the river and a hawk flying above. Queen Elfreda places one foot on a branch and lifts the other to place it on a higher branch as he swings his rod. No, he's not peeing doggy-style, he's fishing. Duh, what are you thinking? Those guys haven't reached that state of devolution - yet. He says that he is a pro in this fishing thing, and makes his point by managing to catch a rainbow trout. Alex and Dr Dave in the boat cheer and punch fists as Queen Elfreda shows them his big trout. Queen Elfreda is happy. His trout is helping him bond with the guys and his actions are bearing fruit. He sniggers after he's said "bearing fruit". Everybody wants a piece of his trout!

Queen Elfreda dangles his trout before the other men. Butch embraces him in joy. Everyone else high-fives him and King Dick licks his lips as he watches Queen Elfreda flaunt the trout. We cut away from the imminent orgy to the Reward Challenge instead. Bastards!

Jeff Proboscis, in his now standard "blue denim for Reward Challenges, black denim for Immunity Challenges, and none at all for Colby" outfit, is standing in a clearing where he announces to the two tribes of the "value of fire" and how they "make fire" and "keep fire". Is he talking about how he and Colby manage to remain so firm and strong after all this while? As it turns out, he's giving a bombastic prelude to the actual instructions of the game: right there in the middle of the clearing are two wooden props with four rungs. each rung containing a rolled-up and tied-up banner. The rope tying the banner is connected to several pieces of wood hammered into the ground. The tribe are required to start a fire using flint, a magnifying class, and pieces of wood around the place. First tribe to make a fire and then move the fire around to burn all four pieces of rope - thus releasing all four pieces of banner to reveal "Probby And Colby On A Tree", I mean, the name of the tribe - wins a generator-powered fridge filled with thirty-seven cans of Coke.

Like the last thing these freaks need is Coke.

The freaks gasp. Coke! Coke! Coke! Say that fast and you will have what the Tampa Queens probably moan for during the cold lonely nights out there under the rainforest.

Oh, and this show is sponsored by Coke. Coke! Drinks for the new generation! Rat Boy and High D drink Coke, and so should you!

I think somebody from Coke is going to be fired soon.

Jenna sits out. I'm surprised. I thought she'd be a pro in taking big gulps and blowing it all out. Sorry, that is really mean. Forget I said that. I still think she's nasty though. Queen Elfreda gives a particularly energetic leap as he grabs for wood. The Tampa Queens and the Jamborees are hard at work blowing and puffing but the Jamborees start their fire first. Alas, the winds begin to blow at that point. Maybe Burnetto has hidden a giant fan thing somewhere among the bushes, that evil man. The Tampa Queens' fire starts just as Jamboree burns off their first rope.

Since the wind is blowing, the guys use their newfound comfort and familiarity of each other's bodies to huddle close and block the wind. Everyone begins rubbing Dr Dave's lower leg, especially Butch, because supposedly the fire is burning off Dr Dave and these guys just want to soothe the pain. Yeah right, is that what the guys say nowadays when they want to get laid?

Without the advantage of a mass trout-eating session to break down their inhibitions, the Jamboree refuse to huddle close. High D is in fact openly sniping at the Bride of Satan - "Just tell me what to do and I'll do it!" - and needless to say, powered on by the energetic rubbing of meaty sweaty male paws on hairy male legs, the Tampa Queens win the Coke stash. The elephantine victory song blares as Proboscis declares unnecessarily, "Tampa Queens win!" The ladies walk away - I'm talking about the Jamborees, in case you're confused - dejected as the Tampa Queens crack open their Coke and take a big gulp to remove the taste of trout in their mouth. The ultimate plug for Coke. Now who wants to drink Coke along with these freaks?

Back at Jamboree, Hippodeena says that their losing sucks. They are all huddling because they are disappointed and they need maybe ten minutes to recharge themselves. Hippodeena says that some people go downhill once they weaken and all it takes is one push to send them over the edge. In this case, deprived of Coke, Shawna is in agony because of withdrawal. She weeps. She tells them that she cannot go on anymore and she is too weak and she is too tired and yes, she wants Coke, grade A prime Coke of the purest quality - no fake Coke, please, she wants the real deal. Hippodeena tells her in a way one addresses very slow children that Shawna is dehydrated and she just needs to drink some water. High D rubs Shawna's legs, hoping that it will invigorate her the way Dr Dave is invigorated to inhale deeply and exhale hard. To the camera (wise move) Hippodeena snaps, "Shut up! Snap out of it! Just drink water like you're supposed to, and stop acting as if it's the worst day of your life!" Heh heh. I love this woman.

Shawna begs to be evicted. If they end up in the Tribal Council, she will be "very tempted" to go. Hippodeena shakes her head. Oh no, she is not going to lose her core alliance just because Miss No Coke I'm Gonna Dieeee here wants out. The caring and loving members of her alliance are going to make sure she stays even if they have to personally sit on her until she shuts up and votes like they tell her to. Charming.

Over at Tampa Queen, everyone is high on Coke and they are so happy. Wait until they are sober enough to do the Maths. Six people, thirty-seven cans of Coke. Heads will roll as they will fight over who gets the last can of Coke. Dr Dave, the newly elected spokesperson for rocket scientists everywhere, says that they are all so invigorated by their victory, it's a huge "morale boost" for them. Looking at those shirtless guys huddling around the fridge, sticking their faces close as they stare at their Coke stash, I'd say yes, definitely, the morales are all boosting in Camp Tampa Queen alright. And who's better to talk about boosting than Rocket Scientist Dr Dave?

King Dick counts the number of cans and takes out one can and compares it to the girth of his - uh, I mean, he reads aloud the calorie and sugar content of the Coke. Entertaining stuff. This man must be a riot to have at barbecue outings. Everybody eats the trout Queen Elfreda brings to the camp - I guess they must have saved it for dinner - and Queen Elfreda eats the trout's eyeballs. "Mmmm!" "Oooh!" "Ahmmm!" The guys are trying to outvocal each other in expressing their pleasure at Queen Elfreda's trout like alpha walruses trying to catch the attention of the cows during mating season.

Dr Dave concludes happily that this day is the perfect day ever in Survivor.

Coming out of the closet always make one feel much more relaxed about life and all, I hear, especially when one comes out on national TV with five other newfound close friends who share great pleasure in trout and leg-warming activities.

Somebody burps loudly. I guess he swallowed the trout too fast.

It's night. High on Coke, trout, and a healthy dose of man-man love, the Tampa Queens' mass coming out continues. Rat Boy wishes aloud that there are girls here in a token resistance to his eventual plunge into his newfound lifestyle, only to conclude that he'd rather sing You've Lost That Loving Feelin' to his friends here instead. What follows is the most hideous rendition of karaoke massacre I've ever heard, and mind you, these men are all sober when they are declaring that each other has lost that lovin' feelin' in the house. An elephant's dying trumpeting have more of a melody than these shirtless touchy-feely men in the house. But if that's how they want to do their foreplay, what can I say? More power to the hoyay.

Rat Boy tells me that this whole experience is an interesting experiment as to what happens when you have only eight guys around (eight? where did the extra two heads come from... you know what, forget I even asked that) with no gals in the house. Well, duh, like Rat Boy will ever know what it feels like to have a woman around.

Butch says mistily that he's so much more comfortable around shirtless hard-muscled caterwauling Coke-guzzling men.

King Dick says that Rat Boy is really a cute fellow but quite pathetic too. Rat Boy's a twenty-four year old man who still lives and sings karaoke in his parent's basement. (Read: Rat Boy should damn well move to King Dick's basement!) Preach it, granddaddy!

Have fun, you guys! Just don't scare the capibaras too much with your orgasmic moanings and wailings, okay? We'll give you some privacy and go peek at what the Jamborees are doing.

It's almost 4:30 am and the Jamborees discover that they have tree-mail. It's of course time for the Immunity Challenge. It's a fishing thing, judging from the awful poetry in the missive. The gals are sure that they will kick butt and Hippodeena shoves High D's face to the camera. No wait, it's a piranha effigy thing.

Morning, day twelve. Jeff Proboscis, in black as predicted, watches from the riverbank as the tribes row up in their boats. He begins talking about the previous day they test the Survivors on how their handle fire (which I must say the Tampa Queens excel in in more ways that one) and today, they will test how the Survivors handle the element of water (which I must say the Tampa Queens should have no problems excelling in, and I say this is not fair, this challenge is stacked against the Jamborees - I protest!). Each team will be given poles, hooks, bait, knives, pliers, and nets to fish as many fish as they could. Winners will get to eat the fish they catch and bugger each other with the Holy Magic Idol of Manlove Woo-hoo.

To scare them, Proboscis holds up a dead small piranha. "Hey's that's mine!" Rat Boys cries out. Or maybe I misheard, sorry. Then Proboscis takes up a bigger dead piranha and shows the piranha's teeth. Queen Elfreda smiles and we realize that he may be quite mad that Proboscis has killed Queen Elfreda's marine kin. Nice smile, by the way.

Shawna sits out from the Jamboree's side, and then everybody grabs for rods and baits.

"You're jerking it too hard!" Rat Boys shouts when Alex jerks his rod too hard.

C Girl stomps on a fish's head again and again and again as the world stare in horror.

Proboscis asks, and High D explains that the Jamborees are cutting up the smaller fish they catch to be used as bait in the deeper waters of the river. Dr Dave says that as a rocket scientist, let him explain the dynamics between he and King Dick. King Dick will bend over and Dr Dave will apply pressure of his foot on King Dick's butt as he... uh, let's move on to something less risque. But thank you, Dr Dave, for proving that physics can really be sexy. King Dick, getting a first hand derivation of Bernoulli's principle (high velocity, low pressure, vice versa) from Dr Dave's capable tutoring, can only wheeze in agreement - "Yes, yes, force is the product of mass and acceleration - MASS me Dr Dave, accelerate, accelerate, mass me, mass me, MASS MEEEEEEE!"

"Son of a biscuit!" Bride of Satan curses.

"Did anyone call for soggy biscuits?" Butch asks hopefully. Okay, he didn't ask that. I made it up.

The Jamborees seem to be slower than the Tampa Queens though, especially when it comes to killing the fish they have caught. It's not too surprising when the scales reveal that the boys have caught more fish than the gals. "Tampa Queen wins!" Proboscis announces, and the Idol sighs as he is thrust back to the rough hands of the boys. He's probably wishing he is back with the Jamborees, where they at least let poor Sexy Hot Good Idol have a good night's rest.

Shawna doesn't look too disappointed. She's probably dreaming of pizzas and Coke already.

We see two toucans banging beaks before revisiting Camp Jamboree. Jenna helps Shawna stand, but Shawna collapses after a few weak steps. Shawna says that she feels really relieved that she may be going tonight. Feeling a little guilty over this, she adds that she may be the first contestant ever to want out.

Jeanne, looking like an even more evil version of Anjelica Huston's stepmommy character, slowly massages Shawna's arm as she says she will vote Shawna out for mercy reasons. Shawna says that she is certain that Jeanne and Bride of Satan will vote for her, and maybe C Girl, who is looking from a distance as Jeanne gives Shawna the Creepy Massage, will too. At this point, Shawna doesn't know what her allies are voting and she doesn't have the energy to care. She'll just do her own thing.

Hippodeena tells me that she is keeping Shawna. It's too bad, Shawna will just have to "suck it up" for the core alliance. Not that I want Shawna dead, but I have this ghastly image in my head that should Shawna somehow croaks during the night, Deena and the Pretty Princesses probably would just prop Shawna up and insist that Shawna is alive and be allowed to vote according to their whims. Hippodeena or High D will help carry Shawna - who is still alive, Probby, she is! - to the Tribal Council voting booth where they will even write down Shawna's vote for her. Shawna is alive, Probby! She is! That smell? Oh, she's too sick to bathe, you know how stinky people get when they don't bathe, hahaha. Why is Shawna so silent? She has a bad sore throat, poor gal. Her eyes closed? Well, there are some tse-tse flies that emmigrated from Africa, and they infect the poor gal with sleeping sickness. Shawna's alive, Probby, so we insist you let her vote! Now!

Shawna is their ally, and she will remain here. Forever! Bwahahahaha!

Jenna tells the others in their alliance that they will have to recruit C Girl to help them keep Shawna. C Girl who is walking around them and reading lips at the moment looks surprised when Jenna finally deigns to address her in person and asks her to keep Shawna. Hippodeena is gunning for a Bride of Satan expulsion because the Bride is "too powerful".

C Girl is torn. On one hand, she tells the camera, the Bride of Satan catches fish for all of them. Shawna wants out. "We're making her trapped," she concludes but damn if she isn't looking happy. That gal still have a stab at being a villainess this season. I can only hope.

They are at the Tribal Council now. Prodded by Proboscis, High D says that she is - they are - surprised at losing twice in a row. Their winning streak seems to be over. Jeanne says that they have elected Hippodeena as leader, and the Pretty Princesses concur to Probby that that move is a good one. Hippodeena snorts quietly in disgust as Jeanne continues her schmoozing she's learned from the Evil Penny School of Fakeness about how the Jamborees now have even delegation of duties and all.

Proboscis asks the Bride of Satan if she's the mother figure of the group. Saying that she has sons and is a bit of a tomboy herself, she leaves the mothering to Jeanne and Hippodeena. She's more of a spiritual advisor.

Proboscis then asks Hippodeena, the elected leader, if there are tribe members who really shine and who don't. Hippodeena singles out C Girl as one who is even doing better than ever. Wise move to win over C Girl, especially since we know that C Girl places much on being accepted by her tribemates. Hippodeena says that Shawna is one person who isn't doing well. They need strength, Hippodeena continues, to go beat the boys. She hopes that Shawna will get back her energy soon.

At this, the Bride of Satan nods. But not so fast, dear: Hippodeena is playing the game. She will vote for the Bride's expulsion ("You're my biggest competitor."), and backing her are High D, Jenna, and yes, C Girl. The Bride of Satan votes for Shawna ("But only because you asked me to" - aw, that's actually quite a nice thing to say) along with Jeanne. Shawna votes for C Girl.

I've been trying to figure out what Shawna is doing, voting for C Girl. A rather convoluted possibility is that Shawna doesn't want to vote against her allies and she can't vote for herself. Maybe she is assuming that C Girl will vote along with the Two Bitches to kick her out. She wants out so bad, she cannot risk voting for the Bride of Satan and tips the hand towards a Bride of Satan boot. Factor all this in, her only option is to vote for Jeanne or C Girl. Her vote for C Girl serves two purpose. One, she is explicitly telling her former allies that she is not voting with them: she really wants out. Two, her vote for C Girl will leave no doubt to her former allies' mind of C Girl's vote, ie if C Girl voted for her, there will be a tie, and if C Girl votes with the rest of her former allies, the Bride of Satan will go. Either way, C Girl's position will be revealed to the rest of the tribe and to Shawna if she stays.

Then again, I'm probably giving this girl way too much credit. She probably just hates C Girl.

But she doesn't count on one sneaky counter from Burnetto: Proboscis never reveals her vote. Her former allies have no way of knowing how much she wants out unless she wails at them (and even then, they probably won't listen) and now Shawna will be forced to stay forever and ever and ever to be the puppet of the Pretty Princesses. Even Burnetto wants her to stay. Also, by not revealing Shawna's vote, the others will probably never know which way C Girl voted. Damn you, Burnetto! This show is turning into the Island of Dr Moreau - I love it!

As mentioned, the Bride of Satan gets the cut. Jeanne looks close to tears as she watches her only ally leaves, knowing very well that unless she really do something drastic, she'll be the next to go. High D lifts her chin defiantly as the Bride leaves while C Girl smiles to herself - an evil smile, I must add.

As the Bride of Satan bursts into "Hallelujah!" in her parting words, we shut the TV. Interesting: the women are really beginning to cannibalize each other and in most unpredictable ways too. Recruiting an older woman and the deaf girl to their side? Unexpected. Insisting that a really ill ally to stay no matter what? Gorgeous trainwreck TV. I hope the gals pull together when Jenna works her magic next week on the drooling, pathetic Dr Dave so that the Jamborees can divide the men to pieces and eat them up one by one. Either way, I can't wait to see what next will bring.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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